Emotional violence is another kind of abuse … it’s not about words because an emotionally abusive person doesn’t always resort to using the verbal club, but rather the verbal untraceable poison. – Augusten Burroughs
It was after reading the above passage in a book I recently completed by Augusten Burroughs that I stopped dead in my tracks. Emotional abuse? This concept was something completely new to me. The words settled like lead inside of my head. What I had discovered in those precise few moments, was the exact description for the subtle abuse I was, and still am, facing from my estranged parents. I read on:
They may, in fact, speak very kind words to you. And appear nothing but supportive to those around you. Their covert abuse is administered in small, cunning ways over time. So the impact is gradual, not fist-to-the-eye immediate.
What struck me about this quote is the fact that emotional abusers are very passive, very subtle, very quiet.
The tricky thing with emotional abuse like anything quiet and unobtrusive is that it can be overlooked easily, blending into the background of life. Luckily, however, it can lead traces of something “not being quite right” in your relationships – something wrong that you just can’t quite put your finger on.
My hope is that this article will help introduce, or reintroduce, you to the world of emotional abuse. If you do decide to continue reading, please consider introspecting and reflecting on yourself and the people in your life. It could make all the difference in the world.
Emotional Abuse: The Devil’s Quiet Sister
Emotional abuse is also known as psychological or mental abuse. Its aim is to control, belittle, isolate and shame other people into subservience. This happens little by little over time, so that the victim’s sense of self-worth, self-confidence, self-concept and own ideas and perceptions erode.
Many emotional abusers operate under the guise that they are “teaching”, “advising”, “correcting”, and/or “guiding”, and therefore fly under the radar, spreading their poison for years upon years.
Types of Emotional Abuse
Emotional abuse rarely just involves criticisms or put-downs. I’ve listed some more kinds of abuse below that you should be wary of. Also, be a bit careful when you read this list. For instance, you may find one or two symptoms of emotional abuse apparent in your life, but it doesn’t necessarily make your relationships absolutely and utterly emotionally abusive. The more symptoms you recognize, the more likely you’re experiencing emotional abuse.
1. Control and Domination.
- They may control your money and your spending.
- They may treat you as an inferior person.
- They may make you feel small by reminding you of your faults and shortcomings.
- They may make you feel as though they’re always right, and you’re always wrong.
- You may feel the need to “get permission” for everything you do, or decision you have to make.
- They may give you disapproving, or condescending looks and comments.
- They may “chastise” you, and treat you like a child.
- They may control where you go, who you interact with, and/or what you do.
- They’re excessively possessive and jealous.
2. Isolation and Neglect.
- They may have difficulty taking responsibility for their actions. Instead, they deflect the blame onto you.
- They may have no regard for, and no interest in, the way you feel.
- They may use “the silent treatment” to punish you.
- They may withdraw affection from you to punish you.
- They may become deliberately emotionally distant from you for long periods of time.
- They purposely neglect to share important pieces of information with you.
- They may neglect to give you privacy, or purposely disrespect your boundaries.
3. Bullying and Humiliation.
- They may call you names, or label you.
- They may belittle your success and triumphs.
- They may mock, impersonate or otherwise talk to you in sarcastic ways.
- They may accuse you of things that you never did.
- They may degrade or subtly humiliate you in front of other people.
- They may frequently make jokes at your own expense.
- You may feel intimidated or scared when voicing an opinion.
What to Read & Where to Go to Find Out More
If you are experiencing emotional abuse, or if you’re the one inflicting it, I’ve composed a list of resources that can help assist you with this quiet killer.
- The Emotionally Destructive Relationship by Leslie Vernick
- Emotional Abuse on Innerbody (including numbers you can call for help)
- Stories and experiences with emotional abuse (a community)
- Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse by Dr. Gregory L. Jantz
- How to Deal With Emotionally Abusive Parents (an article on WikiHow)
I’d appreciate any comments or stories of your own. I read every one of them. ;)
Emotional abuse is hard to define , but describes my whole life. Subtle cuts where.there should have been a compliment. Jokes where empathy would be appropriate. Isolation when family would have been war rented, lies where the truth would be much easier. Unchristian unkindness and self righteousness. Good themes for functional interaction huh?
This is an older article but has really helped open my eyes. My first love, I guess you can call it, whom I have been “on and off” with for the past 2 years seems to be emotionally abusive. I used to show him so much love, always asking to make plans and spend time together, always showing him compassion, patience and understanding. His ways are extremely subtle but hurtful. He would constantly and consistantly avoid our plans wether it involved initially seeming excited and enthusiastic about spending time together (getting my hopes up) just to cancel at the very last minute, or completely acting like he didn’t care about my proposition to spend time together by saying something to hurt my feelings. I’d feel so bad and worthless that he kept cancelling and getting my hopes up just to crush them, but he’d say how much he wanted to but that he just couldn’t or was busy and that we would soon, giving me hope that he really did care and wanted to be with me, spend time with me, etc. He’d lie and tell people me and him were not together and it would get back to me,… Read more »
My father is like this, this passive behavior he does and undermines me is ruining my confidence. He likes control. He took my insurance check to replace my damaged loss car and won’t give it to me because he thinks I am unreliable and irresponsible yet I am an adult who can make proper decisions in life. I am good at decision maker knowing what I must do but this is so wrong on what he does. I don’t need him to constantly fix things but he doesn’t know when to stop.
No matter what I do I get the blame for it I can sense when he is just being fake because the energy he projects is wrong when I see his aura i see little blackish grey clouds full of negativity. It drives people crazy… My mother is no hope because she instigates it. I am 26 years old and I don’t need to always need their permission to do thins but they expect it.
I never knew that this could be there in my family but now it has become a clear picture. I loved your article! I already have a dysfunctional family, my parents are emotionally abusive and my mom has anxiety issues and all of this has created chaos in the family. I feel like no option is way out is left except to bear but I have read that it would lead on to more if not diagnosed and done with at right time. What can I do? Please help!
Your article is very informative.
Luna… Tell me how to become a better emotional abuser! :)
Ever since I can remember, my mom has done literally every single thing listed above, and she continues to this day. My school grades were often D’s and F’s. I failed two classes last year. But today, I was just complemented by my teacher about my amazing improvement and now Honor roll status. I also just got student of the month at school-so yay. Recently, I have moved away from my mother’s home and I now live with my father. My father is incredibly kind and just plain amazing. He has NEVER lied, broken a promise, or earned my distrust. I have a loving step mom and an adorable, super cool little brother as well. The only issue is…. everyone (but my dad, step-mom, lil bro on my dads side and grandparents) keeps pushing me to go back to the way things were for me and appease the attacker (my mom). I’m tough though. I will never give in, never give up, and never surrender in this battle of wits. Great article BTW.
This is a kind of ‘ps’ to my prior post.
The other difficulty with this sort of abuse aside from the confusion it causes is the guilt. You know, my parents – they’re ‘nice’ people. And they brought me up! They spent – how much money? They ‘fed’ me, clothed me … and there I am complaining about them! ‘Snitching’ on them to other people. Nobody is perfect they say. How can I say terrible things about them (things that would in any event be denied by other family members).
Well it’s true. Nobody is perfect. And I don’t want my parents to be punished. I prefer to talk about this to others outside the home. It is so difficult to deal with this sort of abuse.
I am a ‘victim’ of emotional and to a lesser extent physical abuse by my parents. I ought to say at this point that this has never been openly acknowledged. And this is very very different from being in an emotionally abusive relationship with a partner or spouse. You can leave a spouse, you can never leave your parents. Not emotionally. You probably didn’t even meet your spouse until you were in your twenties. Your parents were with you from the start. And the abuse begins then. I want also to say that I am not ‘young’ though it feels like I am stuck in a sort of time warp. An eternally troubled teenager. Never able to fully become a man. Always being pushed back down every time I try to stand up. My parents are in their seventies and all too healthy. Physically at any rate. It is also probably not helpful to suggest that their abuse is fully conscious. It is more a case of insecure people muddling along in life. I doubt that they are doing it with deliberate intent. Much of the crap that comes from them is stuff they have learned from their own childhood… Read more »
Oh, thank you *so* much for this article. I recently left a relationship with a man who used to do pretty much every thing on the above lists – and yet who fiercely denies that he did anything other than love me during the eight and a half years we were together. Rather, he believes that I made it all up so that I would have an excuse to leave him. Anyway, reading articles like this and recognising the behaviours is so helpful in reaffirming my decision whenever I experience a moment of uncertainty. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.