We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak. – Epictetus
You pick up the phone. It’s Jill. Again.
“Hi sweetie, just thought I’d give you a call! How are you?”
“Good thanks Jill. And you?”
“Oh, terrific! I wanted to tell you about my blah blah blah blah blah …”
We’ve all had those people in our lives who seem to talk about themselves ad nauseam. Once given the opportunity to talk about themselves, they’ll snap it up in an instant showing little regard or interest in what you have to say. Ever. And if they do, you know it’s a fake mask of politeness.
These people are the conversational narcissists in your life who hog every conversation you have, leaving your head spinning. Basically, talking to a conversational narcissist is like putting your head in a blender.
So, do you have a conversational narcissist in your life? There’s only one way to find out …
How To Spot The Conversational Narcissist
Not all narcissists are obnoxious or dislikeable people – in fact, many of them can be charming and appealing – and others are deeply wounded people … the only problem is that you hate talking to them. Why? Perhaps because you can pick up on the following character traits:
1. They have an exaggerated sense of self-importance.
2. They’re usually absorbed in fantasies of power, success, beauty and/or brilliance.
3. They have unreasonable expectations of other people, i.e. that everyone else should unquestioningly comply with them.
4. They overrate the importance of their achievements.
5. They crave constant validation, admiration and respect from the world.
Keeping these symptoms in mind, it’s no wonder that the conversational narcissist loves drilling you with every detail of their lives ad infinitum.
Which Kind Of Conversational Narcissist Do You Know?
There are two types of CN’s. These are the:
Active Conversational Narcissists & Passive Conversational Narcissists.
So let’s explore the first.
Active Conversational Narcissism
This breed of narcissist always ends up shifting the attention onto themselves in conversations. They do this by giving a few “supportive responses” so as not to appear rude, but end up using more “shifting responses”.
Please note that it’s normal and healthy to share stuff about yourself, as long as you direct the conversation back to the other person. At least, this is what the common law of conversational etiquette says.
Example 1 – Supportive
Person A – “I’m going to buy a puppy today.”
Person B – “Really? What breed are you wanting to get?”
Example 2 – Unsupportive
Person A – “I’m going to buy a puppy today.”
Person B – “Really? I was thinking about buying a puppy for my daughter as well!”
Person A – “Oh, yeah?”
Person B – “Uh-huh, I thought that a golden retriever would be … blah blah blah”.
Passive Conversational Narcissism
This subtle form of conversational narcissism occurs when you share something, and the conversational narcissist withholds their supporting responses until the conversation fizzle’s out.
Supporting responses are for instance: acknowledgments that indicate you’re listening, e.g “uh-huh”, “OK”, “Hmm”. They’re also statements that demonstrate active listening such as “that’s awesome!”, “why did you do that?”, “what are you planning to do now?”
Passive conversational narcissists withhold these statements, showing disinterest so that the conversation ends up dying – and is directed back to them. Score!
Example:
Person A – “I’m going to the casino tonight!”
Person B – ” (Pause) … oh, right … (pause)”
Person A – “I’m really excited because I won $200 last week!”
Person B – ” (Silence) …”
Person A – “Have you been there recently?”
Person B – “Oh yeah, I went a few weeks ago with my friends, it’s really interesting because we … blah blah blah”.
How To Interact With A Conversational Narcissist
Talking to a conversational narcissist can be draining and tedious – especially if you see there’s nothing in it for you. How about changing the way you look at things? Don’t worry, I don’t like the thought of changing something in myself either, especially when it’s the narcissist who should change!
The fact is: you can’t change anyone, so give up trying now. The only thing you can change is your outlook and perception. For instance, you could see talking to a conversational narcissist as a form of interpersonal training. You could also see it as a way to forge many great qualities such as patience, self-control (forbearance) and focus that all come with listening to a self-absorbed, insensitive and egotistical person.
According to the research I’ve done, the best way to interact smoothly with a narcissist is as following:
1. Don’t demand much. Don’t expect much.
2. Accept that you have to listen. A lot.
3. Don’t worry about boosting the narcissist’s ego with your acknowledgments (it’s not possible anyway).
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4. For swift conversation, resist the temptation of challenging the narcissist’s thoughts and desires.
5. Smile and keep quiet a lot.
I don’t necessarily agree with this way of approaching narcissists all the time – but if you’re not in the mood to stir the pot, these five rules will help you ease the tension that comes with talking to them.
On the other hand, if you’re wanting to end a conversation with them quickly, I’ve found the following techniques work wonders:
- Talk about something really boring, and keep repeating what you’ve just said in different ways. You’ll look a bit manic, but oh well.
- Stop giving supportive statements and use reverse psychology instead, i.e. become either an active or passive conversational narcissist yourself.
- Set a time limit. After half an hour or an hour leave the conversation, no matter what.
I’d love to hear any stories you have about conversational narcissism. So feel free to share below!
Thanks everyone for sharing your stories, they help me to see that the frustration I’ve felt with some people was not unreasonable. M calls daily, sometimes up to 4 times a day. Worse, every weekend she feels suicidal because her hubby and sons just want to watch tv. I used to take her seriously because one of my good friends killed himself and I don’t ignore cries for help but M just cries wolf! Folks like her just can’t accept that life is unfair and that you dont get what you want. One of M’s constant gripes? That people who are happy have it easy and never suffer? Oh yeah? That’s coz they don’t complain like her. Yeah, she HATES it when others are happy. I don’t answer her calls and she texts oh you must have a good life now so you’ve abandoned me…. oh God help us
M insists that I confide in her, but she doesn’t listen! Even worse she imposed her values in what I say, e.g. I’m a first generation Asian immigrant and while I am “American” in every way a Jersey girl can be my family does have some customs which are “foreign”, and Mmlijes to poke fun at these, demanding that I be more American. Basically if she doesn’t get or understand something she just tunes out. And not just me, she insists that her husband and sons attend to her every whim that it’s job to make her happy. Her sons have no student loans and are working, instead of being happy for this she claims that they make her feel suicidal because they’re not giving her grandkids. Ooh, poor thing!
M always calls me and complains about not having grandkids and says that anyone who’s not married and settled by age 30 must be abnormal, she says this because she’s fed up wth her sons—both under 30– are still single. She does not care that her comments really hurt me because I’m 47 and single. She says that she wants me to be happy and would love to see me married but whenever I do tell her about guys I’ve dated and are still dating she gets all negative saying oh that won’t work out. And she has an uncanny way of calling me whenever I’m on a date. It never occurs to her that I’m hurting because I’m worried I may not be able to have kids, she doesn’t ever ask about my elderly dad and how sad he could be , it’s always about her and how unfair life is to her as if no one else is suffering. I’m fed up I no longer answer her calls.
An acquaintance in my group of friends always turns conversations towards herself: her achievements in academics, family, hobbies, career … While some of us find her overbearing I am the only one who seems to dislike her and avoid her if I can. She is 34 and I am 40 and she goes on about how old she is, criticizes the school my son goes to, shoots down many of my opinions, cuts me off to give her own opinion and if we sit next to each other in a group talks as loudly as possible until I can no longer converse with others. Now I just don’t go to events where she will be and some of my friends support me by arranging other events with me instead. This person is very helpful to others and maybe this is why some are really friendly with her. Does anyone else know a conversational narcissist who is reasonably well liked but you feel like you are the only one who totally can’t stand them?
Yup, I can so relate!
It’s tempting to stay with these people because they can be helpful but there’s no such thing as a free lunch, if you accept a favor from them you pay a hundredfold in aggravation. Stand your ground and follow your Intuition
I relate to this! My friend is this way. I don’t know if she does it on purpose but it’s sooo annoying!
If I text her at all she will completely ignore everything I say so she can force the topic to be about her.
I’m always finding myself extremely annoyed when I talk to her, and sometimes end up being completely passive the whole time she talks, because I know there is no point in trying to talk about anything else since she will always end up directing everything at herself. I’ve even mistakenly ended up talking about myself a lot when talk to her because I’m trying to get her to talk about anything new!
It never works, of course. She never shuts up about herself. “Me, me, me!” so obnoxious!
She drives me insane!!!! I literally cannot spend too much time with that girl. First if all, Everything is about her. If the conversation isn’t about her, she doesn’t wanna talk about it. Then, she never walks beside anyone. I hate going anywhere with her because she walks in front of you instead of beside you, you can’t even talk to her. She walks like you’re on a leash or something, and she doesn’t look back. And if you wanna point anything out to her you’ve gotta scream at her from almost a block away! And she thinks she knows Everything! Even when the topic is something she knows nothing about, she doesn’t listen! Every time I hang out with her I just end up irritated and wanting to get away. She’s draining! I find myself becoming the passive conversational narcissist whenever she opens conversation, because I already know she’ll be talking about herself for 2hours, and I already don’t want to listen. But then I feel rude! She’s blinded by the vail of her own vanity and it’s pushing me away. I know that I can’t change her, perhaps some tips? Before our friendship is ruined.
Yup! These folks know it all
Preaching to the wrong choir they are
ahhh I completely can relate to this! My mum is a conversation narcissist. She has been like this for as long as I can remember. I can’t express my emotions to her especially if there is something she has done to upset me. If I do say something within seconds of me communicating why I am upset, my emotions and statements are completely deflected and disregarded and we end up talking about how I have made her so upset by saying this to her. Whenever I bring anything up I say it in a calm, warm and direct way, yet it gets no where. This also happens in everything on an every day basis. A few examples I can think of that have happened recently are, if I say I have a headache , there will be no response to what I have said she will go straight into talking about how she has a headache and. blah blah blah, if I say im sick its the same thing, she doesn’t ask anything about me or if she can help in anyway she just magically has the same symptoms as me and then it all becomes about her. another example is telling her about something at work and I won’t even get more then a distracted hmmm and then she starts talking about something she experienced at her work. It is so so hard and emotionally draining.. she is my mum though so I just have to push on and sadly I should of really learnt by now that I can’t get much support or conversation from her.
Samantha,
Omg…ditto to almost everything you said in regards to your mum. My Mom is the same way minus the sick stuff part. The part about trying to express how you feel when she’s done something to upset you & then it just ends up turning into how upset you’ve made them by expressing yourself…ugh!! I feel your pain and frustration!
In response to Samantha and April, my mum is exactly the same as well it’s so disappointing to try to get any sort of support or validation from her. I’m chronic chronically ill but she manages to make everything about herself there is not one symptom I have that she doesn’t pretend to have as well. She doesn’t even think it’s selfish to shift the conversation to be about her. If you guys ever want to talk I would love to be friends and compare notes Xx
OMG! I finally found something that describes my sister to a T! I have to live with her and I am finding myself getting more and more angry and frustrated. She is 66 and I am 58. She will talk my ear off or turn every conversation towards her or as I say she makes it about her every time and when I try to talk most of the time she does not focus on what I am saying and it feels like she is ignoring me. I cannot say anything about what she is doing or she will blow up at me and call me names so I keep quiet most of the time until I snap and go off on her about something.
We also live with a brother who has ADHD and is 60 years old and it is getting worse. He does not pay attention to anything we say and we have to keep repeating ourselves. He is being treated for Bi-Polar Disorder but the medication is not making him focus.
I have a full plate! My 28-year-old son lives with us too and he has Schizophrenia but I have the least problem with him. He keeps to himself in his room and does not talk to anyone.
We all have been living with each other since 2011 and I am afraid that my sibling’s toxic behavior may have contributed to my son’s illness.
I am sorry I am sounding narcissistic right now but I am so fed up with my siblings and now because of my job we are moving out of state in about a week.
We are all we have, none of us can live on our own due to finances and my sister is disabled and needs us but we are all getting older so I don’t know what our future holds and I am rambling because I have no one to talk to about this.
Thanks for listening.
Narcissism is an over-used and so distorted term as ADHD, so it`s filled with more clichees than reality. It sometimes seems to me that it`s the newest Fashion to lable all unpleasant behaviours as “narcisstic”.
Lack of empathy, communication problems, self-centeredness, seeking attention etc. CAN be parts of narcissism, but most of the times occur in people with a different diagnosis (e.g. ADHD, autism, other personality disorders) or just healthy people with temporarily mental issues/trouble or false strategies (e.g. attention-seeking by talking more).
I would advise to use the term narcissist less inflationary/excessively in general, otherwise it becomes just an empty insultion instead of a decent classification of specific personality problems that need help instead of clichees/prejudice.
It’s just a label. Doesn’t it sound SO much better than saying someone “just doesn’t know how to communicate”? Why they are a conversational narcissist. How about an article on how we have become a society that has to soften everything and turn everything into a word salad that means nothing. Good article though. Narcissist… hardly. Dad just doesn’t know how to communicate.
A guy I work with is constantly interrupting people when they are working and trying to focus. He literally walks right up to busy people and tells them about his kitchen remodeling project, his son’s band concert, his wife’s pay raise, his favorite sports team, what he cooked for dinner last night, what he did on his vacation, and on and on and on … EVERY SINGLE DAY. You can place your hand on the doorknob because you need to get somewhere, and he will not even notice and will instead start a whole new topic (usually about himself) — and you must wait for him to finish, which is usually 30 or 40 minutes later.
My mother, who is 85 years old, is a conversational narcissist and it drives me nuts! I love her to death and she is a good woman but for many many years she feels the need to always get the conversation back to her. It doesnt matter what subject you are talking about, she doesnt *engage* in the conversation but immediately brings up something she herself has done. She even has *stories* or conversations that never happened just so it can be about how grateful someone is to her for something. All of us in the family knows she does it and we have gotten pretty good at moving the conversation along to give her less time to make it all about her. She will tell the same story to you over and over and over and the story wont even be true and we all know it but it is always about someones gratitude towards her .
Like I said, we are used to it and otherwise, she is a good person and well liked by people and it wont be apparent if you only see her every once in a while but after she is here for a few days it really starts to grate on me. Luckily, she is in good health and her mind is sharp so she doesnt have to live with me.
Lucky for her.
I had a roommate for a few years that is a conversational narcissist. It took some time to notice, but when I did I couldn’t unhear it. Every single sentence that came out of her mouth was a shifting one if it wasn’t about her. I recall some pretty big milestones in my life that I would try to share with her (graduating college, getting my first career job, etc.) and I couldn’t get more in depth than the first sentence of mentioning it. Does she not realize that she does it and just thinks she is contributing to the conversation, or is she is doing it on purpose? Should I say something or will that do nothing?
I think I’ve been dealing with people like this, it’s not a in real life group but I’ve always felt drained and not heard except by a few of the people there that are definitely not on the “me, myself and I” dynamic or toxic in any way and I only trust
and value them there. They care about everyone and the relationship isn’t one sided, we can talk about anything without worrying about being cut off or not heard.
I once asked how was everyone doing and one of the possible conversational narcissists who’s often really aggressive and arrogant made sure to say about how they did this and that so good without even asking something like “what about you?” as I’ve been away for a few days, and that was when I realized that I shouldn’t even ask anything anymore. I mean, why even? There’s also others with a victim mentality that lashes out at people when they don’t hear what they want or only remember that I exist when their friends are away and need something or literally only talk about themselves, always cut off and ignore others that don’t join their narrative, this one besides being awfully rude, immature, short tempered and generally toxic, shares every single thing of their life that is really personal as if they believe everyone is THRILLED to know, and if you don’t say what they want……. brace yourself for the yelling and guilt-tripping, yikes. They don’t show interest about anyone unless if they can show off how “nice and supportive” they are and some give short, bored answers or random emojis when it’s not about themselves and also the impression of faking and overexaggerating their achievements, this feels really annoying.
For me a relationship has to be a 50/50, give and take, I’ll listen to you but you’ll also listen to me. Also I feel a lot better when I’m not there so I can say that I’m finally done with them!
I called a family member. Didn’t ask how I was, how I feel or what I’ve been doing. They spent an hour talking about their PERFECT life then said they had to go, bye! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
I just met a new friend who I think is a conversational narcissist. We have only known each other about a month but all she talks about is herself, she seeks constant validation. She repeats stories all the time. I don’t know what to do it’s mentally draining and she is needy, she wants to talk every morning and it’s just the same chatter over and over
I’m dealing with this and it’s driving me crazy. She is the wife of my husband’s friend and we meet up quite frequently. Sometimes she stays at my house or I have to stay over at her place as our husbands our out of town for some meeting, etc. It’s like listening to 2-3 days of
narcissistic conversation. She just talks about how caring and loving her husband is, or how health-conscious she is or how good she is at fashion, make-up or organising home. Everytime I speak up something about ourselves, she starts talking about herself and her husband on topic. So, I just try not to speak anything about ourselves… I just keep listening and smiling and sometimes I try to ignore a little. But I’m not that sort of person. It’s really very difficult for me to be with her. I know I can’t change her and I don’t want to. I can’t even avoid meeting her because her and my husband are close friends and I have to maintain the socialization.
My wife is like this, she probably thinks I’m like this. I try to talk to her about this and she just tells me I turn everything into her fault. If I look upset and she asks why, within two sentences she’s talking about how my mood makes her depressed…. Whenever we leave an event and am trying to quietly process she just goes on and on about what the whole event meant to her. It’s exhausting for sure.
I don’t know how to address this.
I currently been in a relationship for three years fist 7 months OK, but now I find Ive lost my voice. I find that all that the person I am with is just constantly talk about himself and what he does and how others told him how good he was and how he is wanted in all he does and it’s just a constant daily thing with him to talk and talk and talk, about all what he is now getting involved. I feel like I’m just hear for him to hear how good his own voice is. And will just sit there and it’s like his had a life were everyone has attended to all his needs ( must be coffee time) Mind you can be sweet
I am going through this also!! I think it’s actually ruined things now to the point of turning me off and I want to end the relationship due to feeling smothered. Are you heading the same way?
Same here! Ugh. We need a support group! Lol.
yes! lol a support group is exactly what we need! I was in a relationship once with an otherwise nice guy…but he could NOT listen to anyone else! He would sort of shutup while I was talking, but then right back to talking about himself as though he was waiting for background noise to die down.
Well, I tried to ‘work on this in the relationship’. OMG, right. He admitted he ‘talked too much’ and I think for the sake of relationship he did try, but didn’t know how to change that.
I have always liked people who talk a lot. I am more of a listener. That can be a problem–I DO listen and sometimes babblers say things that turn me WAY off them or let things out they probably could have thought about first.
At any rate, yep, I need support group.
So do they; Support group for compulsive talkers; On & On Anon
ha ha
This is definitely my fiance, yes thats what I said and I have grown tired of hearing him talk about himself in such grandiose ways. I read several of your articles, before I found the one that fit him to a T. He is so skilled at pulling you and making you feel sorry for him, obviously after 4 years ive found myself sitting there holding his hand, stonefaced not being able to share a cry with him or sometimes even care at all and it has stated to make me feel like somethings wrong with me. I love him, I mean he seems as though he cares for people to the point of physically fighting in there defence, but I have realized thats to pull the attention to himself. The only reason this relationship even works is because I’m reserved, quite. I don’t want the spot light on me in any kind of way and I’m often embarrassed by his antics but this is not the first time ive found myself in this kind of a relationship. Why do I seem to be attracting the same conversational narsissist or have I answered my own question, in the reserved and quite type. I suppose I am perfect I leave plenty of open space for him to spread his wings. Im glad I found this to read, it has helped me with my morning and my life in general. Thank you
This resonates within me deeply. I had to re read this several times. I even hand wrote it out on a notebook in order for the words to properly soak into my core. For you see, I’m married to such a person. A man I love. He was raised in a strict fundamentalist Christian ‘cult’ and his upbringing has shaped him in so many ways. One is the way he holds a conversation. This article has helped me tremendously, yet has also brought me deep sorrow. Is there no hope for him to change? Is it a price I must pay to be in this relationship? Ten years. A whole decade of ‘non conversation’. I feel as if I’m drowning in loneliness because I am unable to have a true heart to heart conversation with my husband. Shoot, I can’t even mention the weather without him somehow responding with something that has to do with himself…. *sigh. Any advice, thoughts?
I understand this and it is hard when you love someone but its a very lonely life and you have to consider if that is what you want?? personally I have a similar problem and I beginning to find it draining my self worth although I am now looking at setting boundries and looking at how to deal with this and do the best for myself … hope this helps a little.. xx
TRY 38 yrs of it! I get so sick of it. I try to talk about things i like, but he just sits there staring into outer space, unconcerned. I have even told him that i try to talk to him about things i have no interest in and he’s fine with that, as long as it’s about what he’s interested in. they see no problem cause they’re getting their needs met. I feel like he thinks i should talk to him about what he wants and talk to my girlfriends about what i like. It’ s eroding intimacy ….big time. I even try to get him to open up about himself on a deeper level to try to understand him, but he has no fears, no regrets, no problems. never asks me if he’s meeting my needs, like i do him. he just thinks everything’s hunky dory. guess it’s too late for him to change now. i either have to find other ways to connect, which has always been through sex. he doesn’t want that much either anymore. so now what?