Our inner voices. They’re incessant, subtle and ever-present.
Often we’re unaware of the internal dialogues that go on inside of ourselves, the self-talk that plays repetitively like broken records inside our minds. Unfortunately, however, this internal dialogue frequently consists of self-derisive and self-sabotaging thoughts and beliefs about ourselves and our capabilities.
It’s not surprising then, that many of us feel paralyzed and exasperated when we try to self-actualize and self-fulfillย ourselves creatively. ย We can’t seem to accomplish anything without constant internal interjections of criticism, hopelessness, and worry. ย Our days are garnished with thoughts such as “I’m useless“, “I’m not made for this“, “I could have done that better“. ย And consequently … we feel exhausted and defeated – by ourselves!
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But we weren’t made to be our own worst enemies. ย Where does such doubtful and self-defeating negativity come from exactly? ย And how can we live more self-fulfilled lives?
(Please note: we all have subpersonalities, and not all of them are negative or harmful. Please see our archetypes article for a more bird’s eye perspective.)
Table of contents
The Four Subpersonalities
I first discovered the idea of the Four Subpersonalities 3 years ago, in Edmund Bourne’s book about Anxiety & Phobiaย .ย At that time I was struggling to overcomeย whatย I believed was a bad case of general and social anxiety. Since then, I have largely overcome this fear by becoming mindful of my negative self-talk – and the Four Subpersonalities that exist in differingย degreesย in all of us. ย These Subpersonalities are:
- ย The Worrier
- The Critic
- The Victim
- The Perfectionist
The one thing these Four Subpersonalities share is the ability to induce anxiety. ย They voice the different kinds of negative dialogues that occur inside each one of us.
How They Cripple Us
Below is a list of each subpersonality dissected and put under a microscope. ย Consider this question:ย which one is the most predominant in you?
The Worrier
Main Function: ย Promotes anxiety and fear.
Description: ย This person tends to catastrophize and imagine the worst-caseย scenarios promoting anxiety, fear and even panic attacks within themselves. ย They tend to always be on edge, watching for signs of trouble.
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When those signs of trouble arise, the worrier tends to:
- Anticipate the worst.
- Overestimate the chances of something horrible happening.
- Fantasize about the worst possible catastrophesย occurring.
Key Expressions: ย “What if…”
Examples: ย Typical dialogue includes thoughts like: ย “What if they hear me stutter and think I’m an idiot – and don’t give me the job?!”, “What if he doesn’t call me, and I feel distraught and shattered?”, “What if I put myย workย on public display and everyone laughs at me,ย thinkingย I’m a failure?”
The Critic
Main Function: ย Promotes low self-esteem.
Description: ย This person isย extremelyย judgmentalย of themselves. ย They put themselves down constantly for any flaw, limitation, or failure they perceive in themselves. ย They fall into theย mental trapย ofย overemphasizing their weaknesses and filtering out their strengths.
Key Expressions: ย “Can’t you ever do anything properly?”, “Why do you always do that?”, “That was stupid!”, “Should be…”
Examples: ย “There are so many flaws in this novel of mine, I’m such a poor writer!”, “B+? ย I could have done way better!”, “I’m such a weak person compared to _____. ย I should be better.”
The Victim
Main Function: ย Promotes depression.
Description: ย This subpersonality creates helpless and hopeless feelings. ย It is that part of you that believes you have an inherent defect that makes you unworthy and incapable. ย It tells you that nothing will ever change, and circumstances areย irreversibleย and incurable. ย The Victim consequently places obstacles and barriers between themselves and their goals, depriving themselves of self-satisfaction.
Key Expressions: ย “I’ll never be able to …”, “I can’t”.
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Examples: ย “It’s too late to do that now … I’m too tired/old/unpracticed/unskilled”, “I’ll never be able to get a pay rise, so what’s the point of trying?”, “I can’t do that – it’s too hard for me”.
The Perfectionist
Main Function: ย Promotes stress and burnout.
Description: ย This person constantly pushes themselves to do bigger and better, always telling themselves that they aren’t doing well enough. ย They derive their self-worth from external achievements, driving themselves with the mantra that they “should do” thisย orย “should be” that. ย When they fail to do something that doesn’t conform with their high standards, they are intolerant and self-derisive. ย The Perfectionist does not forgive or forget, creating great pressure and anxiety for themselves.
Key Expressions: ย “I must”, “I should”, “I have to”.
Examples: ย “I should be competent – I must get this done well”, “I have to always be selfless and caring”, “I should be the best at this recital – I have to do well”.
How To Free Yourself & Find Self Fulfillment
Which subpersonality was the most dominant in you? ย It could have been two of them equally – this is normal. ย Or it could have been just one like me (The Perfectionist). ย
Now that you have an idea of the Four Subpersonalities, you may be pondering the best course of action. ย As author Ray Bradbury suggested in his bookย Zen in the Art of Writing: don’t think – just do! ย This is one approach that requires no mental action or analysis. ย
However, some find this approach ambiguous, and as to how it is done, whether through meditation or some other self-prescribed method, is entirelyย up to your own devices. ย
There are other ways to counteract the negative self-talk of our subpersonalities. ย These come with 1) being mindful of your thoughts, andย 2) interrupting your thoughts with any of the following questions:
1. ย Are you being objective?
2. ย Is this always true?
3. ย Was this true in the past?
4. ย Are you looking at the big picture – or simply focusing on the details?
5. ย What are the objective odds of this happening? ย Why? ย Why not?
6. ย What is the factual evidence for this?
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7. ย Truthfully, what’s the worst that could happen? ย Why is this so bad? ย How would you deal with this?
ย ***
When trying to free yourself from the negativity of your subpersonality/s, the goal is to a) challenge, b) look for evidence, and c) maintain an objective state of mind. ย The biggest creator of pain is subjectivity. ย Once you use these 7 questions to challenge your subpersonality/s, you will almost certainly find how little truth your self-limiting talk has in reality.
If this article inspired any thoughts in you, I’d love to hear about them below.
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Honestly, I fight each one of these.. but my worst one is “The Worrier”. I worry ALLLLLLLL the damn time.. it never slows. Never stops. I’m always worrying about every little thing.
Ex. My kids eating hard candy. (If I see it.. I stop them.
Riding bikes when they are outside scares the hell out of me. (I had a dream a long time ago that my oldest was hit by a car while riding his bike. But he HATES riding bikes.. my middle child LOVES riding his bike and looks just like my oldest son. So, I’m not wondering if he was the one I was thinking about but hadn’t had him yet.)
Even when they are running on pavement I tell them to slow down.
I’m a “spaz” about everything :( So badly that I tell myself to shut up. I don’t even like them going swimming since I’ve heard about “dry drowning”.
Oh, wow. I feel that I have three out of these four. I’ve never been a perfectionist, but I definitely tend to play the victim, criticize myself to death, and worry about all the endless possibilities things could go wrong. Jeeze, way to go, me.
Thank you for this article! I can see the Critic and the Perfectionist with a touch of Victim in myself. This has been very helpful. I am just starting this path of self discovery. I have suffered from depression/social anxiety all of my life and recently started therapy and medication. I was an alcoholic for most of my life-over 30 years and am now in recovery. Thank you again for writing this. I know this will help many people.
My subpersonality is the worrier 100% I always call it the “what if” syndrome lol it started when I was about 17 and crippled me through my 20s. Panic attacks daily anxiety that never ended…. I’m a lottle better now at almost 34 then I used to be. Ive still got work to do though. Thank you for sharing such insightful information!
THANK YOU! A REVELATION! :-)
I truly loved this article. I love your sense of humor and positive attitude.
All the things you’ve listed are true. And I am sure they could work with someone normal (is there such a thing as normal? haha). Thing with me is I am mentally disabled and I find most of the things listed above are going to be next to impossible. I am seeing a shrink and on meds, but still those doubts, that low self esteem, the need to have a true friend and a family who will not speak to me are crippling my efforts, I try so hard every day to wake up and thank God, I appreciate all the little things people tend not to notice,. I am always polite and friendly to all people. And honestly I depend upon the kindnbess of strangers, But during the last 6 years I have lost everything my home, job, car my boyfriend of 20 years I lived in shelters under bridges starved been beaten reobbed rapped. did drugs. So much has happened so quickly in my life that it caused a major mental breakdown. I am now on ssdi wich isn’t enough to even feed me for the month after rent in a rooming house. Yet I try so hard to find the good in life. I must stop regretting, living in the past, get off my depressed ass and do something before I self destruct. Thank you for all your advice . I cant wait to laugh again and find out who the hell I am . because who I was before is gone and I feel like I am starting over as a person. I am praying to God for you and that your readers take heed of all your advice. Don’t let youself be miserable for too long or you will never get out of that situation. Take care and good luck to you all
Wow…I have the Worrier mostly. I always here her but then i say, ‘it is okay, stop worrying, so what?’ It actually helps lol She/Me becomes silent and it is as if I AM my inner self. Which is probably true :D I also here this too ‘Stop worrying, be calm, shhh, relax.’ And then I do.
Thank you for writing this article. This is the perfect day to discover my sub personalities. My Special Ed teaching career is on the line. I have allowed my anxiety and self-doubt to control my ability to correct and learn from my mistakes. Teacher evaluations frighten me and have cost me my first two teaching jobs. Give me a standardized test, no problem, I will ace it. Having my job on the line, brings on an almost PTSD type reaction. I love what I do. Until a principal or district rep. enters my classroom and starts deciding if I am an effective teacher. It’s difficult to pinpoint, but after reading this article, I think I am sabotaging myself. I have always had problems with rejection as well. It helps to share this, as I am deeply ashamed and feel like a failure. I fought so hard to earn my degree and now this…
It sounds like your inner critic has gotten the best of you. My coach told me that when you feel exposed, like you when you have to deliver with a rep. in the room, superfast negative thoughts fly through your head; so fast, you’re not really aware of them. Beside the advises out of the above article you could start practising thinking positive thoughts that work for you repetetively, like “it’s just teaching, just chatting with lovely children; I love this” or whatever works for you. It feels artificial at first, but repeating your favourite positive thought like a mantra in moments of stress (speaking in public e.g.) works for me!
And stay focussed on the ‘content’, in your case teaching, because it will distract you from your anxiety.
Lastly, do not focus on the physical effects of the anxiety, like “my breathing is getting higher, my hands are trembling” because it has adverse effect.
Many many people deal with things like this! You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of!
You sound passionate about your job and that’s what matters! Go for it! You can do it!
Love, Anja
Thank you for your words of wisdom, Anja! I will definitely try a mantra.
Another aspect of these self-sabotaging sub-personalities is that this stuff can become entrenched into our subconscious minds as beliefs if we entertain these lines of negative and limiting self-dialogue long enough…
It is also said by some others, too, that the self-dialogue in our mind each day, along with many of our thoughts is that….they are not all our thoughts, originating from us. Some say at least some of our thoughts and self-dialogue come from so-called “archons”, the Demiurge, the real life Matrix, etc…
It’s kinda hard to know just what to say about that though. If it is true to even some degree or whatever, it could add a hell of a twist to things.
Regardless, we can get a grip on all these limiting and defeating self-dialogue, thoughts, and beliefs. Awareness is a BIG step; questioning these kinds of thoughts and such is another key step to overcoming them.
And thank you and Sol for writing about these kinds of things in an easier to understand way : )
<> gnosticteachings.org/scriptures/gnostic-scriptures/672-thโฆ
I found your reply fascinating so did some quick searching. I am sure you are much more versed in the topic than I am, having my interest just piqued. :) But I found the above quote/writing beyond interesting. It all comes back to us, the interlocking parts of us that we are responsible for being aware and conscious of.
The Archons of the Twelve Aeons, their Lords and their Authorities, their “Angels and their Archangels, are represented within ourselves by the distinct autonomous and self-conscious parts of our own Being.”
“The powers of the Rulers of the Aeons, and those of the Fate and those of the Sphere are found within our own Soul.”
the quote didn’t copy in above comment. kinda defeats the purpose ;)
Really good article. I struggle with all 4 Subpersonalities, mainly The Victim. I’ve had generalized anxiety disorder for over 10 years, and told I always self sabotage everything I do. It’s true :(. Being a HSP living in a negative environment with negative family members doesn’t help. I want to change my life so much but that voice in my head telling me “it’s too late” just won’t leave me alone. It doesn’t help that I have an extreme phobia of ageing (I’m 26 and dread the feeling of time passing and growing old physically). Which is probably weird to most. I don’t want the ‘typical Middle aged life’ of most mundane humans, in fact I don’t feel human at all. /sigh every day is just a struggle trying to find anything meaningful or happiness in this world.
I know where you are coming from Scarlett. The environments we find ourselves in play a very BIG role in our general peace of mind and health. If we struggle with emotional and mental balance, constant sources of negativity can be just enough to tip us. I’m not sure exactly what your environment is, but I have never regretted leaving the poisonous atmosphere of my family, although it can be hard at times. I have experienced the most self-growth and strengthening since leaving and becoming my own established person.
I am happy to read this, even if it is from a few years ago. I severed ties with my toxic mother and most of my family a little over a year ago, and sometimes I have fears and worries about this. It gives me a wonderful feeling of hope and encouragement to see that a similar situation worked out well for you.