“I would rather be alone with dignity than in a relationship that requires me to sacrifice my self-respect.” – Mandy Hale
By now, I’m sure you’re aware that the World Health Organization has declared loneliness a “global public health concern.”
It’s old news, but the phrase “loneliness epidemic” hangs in the air like a dark cloud for many people, myself included.
What I dislike about this term is that it can taint aloneness with the fear of becoming lonely.
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It frames loneliness as a sickness to be cured instead of an invitation to look more deeply into WHY many of us feel so lonely in the first place. (Soul sucking late stage capitalism and the erosion of our society due to social media and sociopathic organizations, perhaps? Ding ding ding!)
In many ways, trying to avoid being alone (and part of the “loneliness epidemic”) can make us want to stay longer in relationships, friendships, and social connections that are unhealthy, simply so we can avoid being lonely. Avoid being “another statistic.”
We’ve developed a collective fear about being alone, reinforced by terminology like “loneliness epidemics” and perhaps also the forced isolation of the COVID period.
But I’m here to encourage you to choose loneliness rather than staying in a dead, abusive, or misaligned relationship.
Sometimes, loneliness is the better of two evils – the price you pay for not betraying yourself and listening to what your heart and soul truly needs.
Sometimes, loneliness is the crisis you need to break open new worlds of possibility that exist just over the horizon. The only catch is that you need to walk alone.
When faced with an empty, manipulative, or emotionally vampiric relationship, choosing loneliness is an act of self-sovereignty. It’s a reclamation of your inner power. It’s an assertion of your deeper strength.
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Being alone is better than being with the wrong person. It’s better than holding on to something that died years ago.
Because there’s always an “opportunity cost” here. By choosing the company of another, you’re giving up on a deeper and more respectful relationship with yourself.
So ask yourself, what are you willing to sacrifice here?
***
These reflections are short, but I hope they’ve given you some valuable insight or food for thought.
“Choosing” loneliness in the face of abuse is often easier said than done. So if you need support, see these domestic violence hotlines.
If you have been contemplating leaving or ending a relationship or friendship, I hope whatever decision you make is based on loving self-respect rather than fear.
Tell me, at what point do you know that being alone is better than being with someone? Share with me the biggest red flag by leaving a comment below. I read and try to respond to as many responses as I can!
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What is this about being alone! tut tut!
I have always been alone, even in a crowd, with family members, or just with my partner, mate, and confidant. Being the last child of three, I have seen the best and the worst of family life and society. Always setting aside what I silently want and need to complete the growth and essence of me, myself, and I. The three-in-one that has been through deception, restriction, and sociopathic norms. Yet deep within the illusions and confusions, a part of me likes alone time for debriefing and offloading the crap and inner rubbish, to ask myself what the F***k do I really want, and in my own slightly disabled way go and do those things, putting aside any untoward comments. assumptions, narcissistic value judgements, which may try to block my way.
To break the spell and not be alone with someone special over time and tide takes heaps of insight, lowering of some more selfish expectations within, while working out the wilderness within this favourite and special partner. Both learn the extent of boundaries on many levels, with the highs and lows, thrills and spills of love life, and how love and forgiveness, renewal, and renegotiation always help one to bend like a reed in the ebb and flow of relationship wind and life. A partner can be as self-reflective as being alone, with similar benefits, as long as you allow time-out zones for both to regenerate in reclusive activities that regenerate the mind, body, and spirit, or (let’s the dust settle).
While being alone allows you to be you, to completely relax and unwind from each other or from the working day or weekly grind for income. After a time, self-reliance in thought, word, and deed clicks in, making sure only you have the last word on everything.
Which seems totally selfish, yet self-love is needed to rebuild the bonds of inner need emotionally, mentally, and done your way, which acts as a clearance and energetically increases to higher vibes to open the heart to Source.
When you happen to run across this quote from an old Robin Williams movie: “I used to think that the worst thing in life would be to be alone; now I know that it’s being with someone who makes you feel like you’re alone,” and it really, REALLY resonates with you.
While someone’s baseline temperament might be fixed, their character and behaviour isn’t necessarily.
I was once very gregarious because I wanted to immerse myself in life and experience the world in a way no book can provide. Ultimately that fried my nervous system because I’m not calibrated for that kind of existence, but it was still worthwhile.
But if you’re constitutionally a lone wolf, you have to embrace that, because that’s your truth and authenticity and the only way to live sanely.
I’m sure there’s people who think my present day love of solitude indicates some grave antisocial tendencies, brokenness and imbalance. But actually I’ve never been happier and more fulfilled — I’m not seething in the darkness visiting conspiracy forums and poking needles in voodoo dolls.
I have only ever been with one woman in my 53 years of life, we have a beautiful daughter who I love dearly, I thought we were a happy family but my partner wasn’t, she told me that she actually hated me towards the end of our relationship which I couldn’t see, maybe that’s my Asperger’s making it difficult to read people. She’s now happily married to some other guy and apparently she’s very happy, good luck to her. I’m now on my own and I’ve never been happier, the true love of my life is pike fishing now and it’s a love that never tires.
Google AI:
Being alone is the physical state of being by yourself, which can be a positive or neutral experience, while loneliness is the negative emotional feeling of being disconnected from others.
You CAN be alone without feeling lonely by enjoying the solitude, but you can also feel lonely even when surrounded by people if you lack a meaningful connection.
Being alone
Definition: A physical state of solitude, where you are physically by yourself.
Experience: It can be a positive choice for self-reflection, relaxation, and personal activities.
Examples: Being in your own home, taking a walk by yourself, or working on a hobby alone.
Being lonely
Definition: An emotional state of feeling isolated and disconnected from others.
Experience: It is an emotional pain that arises from a perceived gap between the social connections you have and the ones you desire.
Examples: Feeling misunderstood or unseen even when you are with friends or family.
I agree 100% about the power that comes from being alone vs lonely. I love being alone, and have had the courage to travel on my own, go camping on my own, walk in the silence of nature on my own ( ok often accompanied by my doggy). Loneliness is real and painful but it is an opportunity to go deeper as a person. I socialize with an exercise group, play ukulele with a group, etc etc but value my alone time too.
So true, I left a covert narcissist to live alone in a small town well away from her. Life is very difficult as I am dealing with a spiritual awakening and all the trauma I have endured (I was born to a narcissist and traumatized by her). I do little work but door dash as I am both depressed and anxious (spiritual work helps but is not enough).
I was never more lonely than I was in my marriage. After I left I realized I would 100% prefer being alone to being in any relationship where I didn’t feel like my best self and loved and cherished. I examined my past relationships and saw the limitations of men and these were not limits I ever wanted to live with. I feel so much better by myself. Sure yeah sometimes I’m lonely but really? I’m mostly at peace.
The biggest red flag for me in a love relationship is when I become aware that my partner and I are increasingly living separate lives, i.e., we are mostly co-existing like roommates. That is a deeply disappointing and lonely way to live. Being actually alone by comparison is a relief. At least there is no more living an emotional lie, and there is the freedom to change and grow and be all of yourself.
The point is that we have reached an era in which self-knowledge is essential. We must be selective and remain true to our core identity. With the decline of organic relationships, we have gained a certain freedom, but at the same time, we have grown more distant from one another. Today, conversations often revolve around mental health and the importance of connecting with others. Yet, few address the issue of toxic relationships — whether romantic or friendly.
We must be discerning and know exactly what we want, as new challenges constantly arise. It is possible to feel lonely even when surrounded by people. When we abandon our true selves to follow the herd, we forget who we are — and the deepest loneliness comes from realizing that, in trying to belong, we have erased ourselves.
Solitude, therefore, becomes necessary to reconnect with our essence in a world where the echoes of emptiness can deceive us like a siren’s song.
“ the deepest loneliness comes from realizing that, in trying to belong, we have erased ourselves” — this is so powerfully said. Yes!!