“I would rather be alone with dignity than in a relationship that requires me to sacrifice my self-respect.” – Mandy Hale
By now, I’m sure you’re aware that the World Health Organization has declared loneliness a “global public health concern.”
It’s old news, but the phrase “loneliness epidemic” hangs in the air like a dark cloud for many people, myself included.
What I dislike about this term is that it can taint aloneness with the fear of becoming lonely.
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It frames loneliness as a sickness to be cured instead of an invitation to look more deeply into WHY many of us feel so lonely in the first place. (Soul sucking late stage capitalism and the erosion of our society due to social media and sociopathic organizations, perhaps? Ding ding ding!)
In many ways, trying to avoid being alone (and part of the “loneliness epidemic”) can make us want to stay longer in relationships, friendships, and social connections that are unhealthy, simply so we can avoid being lonely. Avoid being “another statistic.”
We’ve developed a collective fear about being alone, reinforced by terminology like “loneliness epidemics” and perhaps also the forced isolation of the COVID period.
But I’m here to encourage you to choose loneliness rather than staying in a dead, abusive, or misaligned relationship.
Sometimes, loneliness is the better of two evils – the price you pay for not betraying yourself and listening to what your heart and soul truly needs.
Sometimes, loneliness is the crisis you need to break open new worlds of possibility that exist just over the horizon. The only catch is that you need to walk alone.
When faced with an empty, manipulative, or emotionally vampiric relationship, choosing loneliness is an act of self-sovereignty. It’s a reclamation of your inner power. It’s an assertion of your deeper strength.
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Being alone is better than being with the wrong person. It’s better than holding on to something that died years ago.
Because there’s always an “opportunity cost” here. By choosing the company of another, you’re giving up on a deeper and more respectful relationship with yourself.
So ask yourself, what are you willing to sacrifice here?
***
These reflections are short, but I hope they’ve given you some valuable insight or food for thought.
“Choosing” loneliness in the face of abuse is often easier said than done. So if you need support, see these domestic violence hotlines.
If you have been contemplating leaving or ending a relationship or friendship, I hope whatever decision you make is based on loving self-respect rather than fear.
Tell me, at what point do you know that being alone is better than being with someone? Share with me the biggest red flag by leaving a comment below. I read and try to respond to as many responses as I can!
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What do you mean by “soul sucking late stage capitalism?” Just wondering.
Rampant consumerism, destruction of nature, rising inequality, disintegration of mental/emotional/spiritual well-being
Some years ago, I realised that I am asexual. As a matter of fact, I have always known, but I bought into ideas like “you haven’t found the right guy yet”. The guilt and my natural empathy lead me to all sorts of crazy platonic relationships/ friendships with guys who were not available- committed to their work, girlfriends, boyfriends, themselves, plans, whatever- while I was trying to find a place next to them and prove that sex isn’t everything- love is. After a huge argument with one of them, I realised that I had spent so much time and energy on supporting other people’s dreams, egos etc and trying to prove that I’m in my own small way “normal”, that I had actually abandoned myself. I always thought I hadn’t, but I had. After that, I began making changes, doing all the things I never did because I was afraid that other people wouldn’t approve and in general, I feel happier than ever! As a matter of fact, I came to realise that I was afraid to admit that I liked being alone. I was afraid that other people wouldn’t understand and so, I used to pretend that “loneliness is awful”, “I hate being single”, “This guy is super hot! I’m dying to have sex with him!” etc. Now I feel like myself after a very long time- and I ‘m getting to know her better and better everyday. (A book I found extremely useful was the “Single at heart” by Dr Bella DePaulo). What I think is that happiness is very closely connected to freedom. When we are allowed to choose and our choices are sincerely respected, we are happy. During the 20th century, a lot of people felt restrained, because they couldn’t have sex, they couldn’t have orgasms, they couldn’t be with the people they wanted and they rebelled against this situation. Now, we are demonising the opposite- in various ways. But nobody can be really happy without the freedom to choose and without being allowed to find his/her own path and his/her own sense of balance. (How much time alone is enough? How many friends are enough? How much sex? How many erotic partners? Is it better to be married or unmarried? With or without kids? Single or in a relationship? Who do we want to spend our free time with? What is our purpose in life?) It’s very sad when we assume that lacking something in our lives means we live miserable lives. We assume that a loner has nothing to do with their lives, they have no reason to get out of bed etc, while this may not be true. This person may be absolutely happy living the way they do. They may have chosen not to be partnered, not to live with someone else, not to have kids, not to have sex etc, because it feels great to them! And they may also love doing other things in their lives, apart from sharing it with a romantic partner, for instance. We just don’t all have the same priorities in life and I guess this is absolutely fine!
Lots of love to everyone!
“What I think is that happiness is very closely connected to freedom. When we are allowed to choose and our choices are sincerely respected, we are happy … We assume that a loner has nothing to do with their lives, they have no reason to get out of bed etc, while this may not be true. This person may be absolutely happy living the way they do. They may have chosen not to be partnered, not to live with someone else, not to have kids, not to have sex etc, because it feels great to them!” – This is so quote-worthy! I love it. :D Thank you so much for your sharing your thoughtful opinions and perspectives here, Georgina. They were refreshing to read. ;)
Thank you. I needed to hear this message today. I’ve been trying to break free from a manipulative gaslighter for 39 years. Even divorcing him 3 years ago but he stays away just long enough for my heart to soften towards him, then slowly creeps back in to my life. Within a day being in his presence I’m full of anxiety and hate the person I am when around him. I’ve finally decided last month to go forward without fear of the future and break it off completely with him, but again my feelings towards him were softening bc I have not had much communication with him during this past month. I know what I need to do for my peace, joy, happiness and self respect. So thank you for this clarity today. I will reread when I feel weak.
I am happy to hear that you’re developing a stronger resolve now, Patty. Stay strong 💪
My wife of 20 years finally manifested her permanent childhood nannie/grandmother imposed belief system. Birth til age 8 grandma nannied my soon to be ex wife by getting her foot in the door due to gerardia illness. Mexican Spaniard culture takes in their elders in need so parents both worked while mother in law brainwashed their only child. These are grandma’s repeated words to her over 8 years. YOU CAN NEVER EVER TRUST A MAN. THEY WILL ALWAYS ABANDON YOU. PUT YOUR CHILDREN FIRST AS “THEY” WILL NEVER ABANDON YOU, ESPECIALLY YOUR GIRLS BECAUSE YOU HAVE RIGHTS TO FIRST FOOT IN THE DOOR WHEN THEY HAVE A BABY.
Grandma was sent to Catholic nuns to raise as a young girl when her mom died from Spanish flu and logger trade dad couldn’t take care of her and no relatives to take her in. Dad abandoned her…..
My wife asked me if she has abandonment issues because of the 13 yr old Paiute Indian girl kidnapped by her dad’s grandpa who forced/enslaved her to be his wife.
Good article, thank you.
The loneliness trick is a well known card to play when one is greedy for other peoples money, attachment, time and energy. The red cross, the salvation army ALL of those state subsidized places that claim to be doing – oh! – social work are feeding off of the same dynamic. It is more than pathetic. The only way to steer totally clear of this self serving mess is TO SERVE YOURSELF YOUR WAY and avoid those responsible for it.
WALK YOUR OWN PATH.
In the beginning you will encounter some dark hours, hours of longing, hours of SOLITUDE. Slowly you get used to being with yourself and stick with it. In time you´ll find that in that solitude lies you most precious gift: The gift of you.
May you walk in solitude till you see yourself clearly and learn to love what you see.
Then, if you wish, you may return to love others in their company.
Love and strength.
“May you walk in solitude till you see yourself clearly and learn to love what you see.
Then, if you wish, you may return to love others in their company.” – A beautiful blessing and benediction here, Alma. Thank you :)
thank you for this and for speaking about, im sure, what many people feel. I was in a dead, narsissistic controlled, soul draining relationship for well over a decade. i lost myself many times over, wearing masks of every sort trying to make my partner happy. As a Cancer female, we give and give until theres nothing left to give… and then we give some more. My health declined severely, i had no strength left and then one day, i shut down. i stopped caring. And although i felt stuck, without options, i stayed. 3 more years passed before my eyes and i was finally at my wits end, i finally jumped. i cant express enough how much of that loneliness has subsided since leaving. i have a whole new outlook on life now, its like seeing everything around me for the 1st time. i hope others in similar situations will be able to do the same. It’s a beautiful world out here, when you decide to live.
I am a Cancer moon and rising, so I can relate to that struggle, Crystal. I’m so glad you took that courageous leap and are doing way better now 💜
This is one of my favorite quote:
If you feel lonely being alone you in bad company.
Nice, I like that one too. ;)
This email arrived directly off the back of my saying to afriend this very day! That I would rather be alone than have to minimise myself and accommodate another that wasn’t as invested as I am. I have to say that being alone for me has proven to be much less lonely to me than being stuck in trauma cycles of abusive relationships. In the beginning it felt lonely, despairing, empty, but I now view this season as a scared pause, and soul realignment strategy for me. Finding myself and my voice isn’t lonely, it’s scared growth.
“Finding myself and my voice isn’t lonely, it’s scared growth” — I think it was ‘sacred’ you were going for here? But I love this part that you’ve written nonetheless, Stacy :)
I get comments from my friends saying I’m lonely. I’m really not. Being an introvert, a sensitive and an empath, being alone is a blessing. Being out and about with people especially soul suckers. Ugh, is terribly draining and a lot of work to keep my protection up and working at an even strength to get through even an hour some days is definitely a challenge. With all the negativity and anxiety, and health issues, and I can go on and on. It’s heartbreaking and earth shattering at times the anger and frustration out there I can’t be around it. Believe me I’ll take being alone any day over the mess that sits outside my windows and doors. I don’t work (Thank Goddess) and I can choose my solitude. Other may not have ability. I am very blessed in that. I know. Just because someone chooses the be alone. Does not mean they are lonely by any means. I’m happy, free, and I do have people over and I do get out in nature (when others are normally asleep… Lol). I’m not a shut it. I just prefere my solitude way more than being around what’s going on with people at the present time.
As the saying goes, “you do you boo” ;) So long as you feel happy and empowered, that’s what counts.
I can’t express to you the synchronistic meaning of this message enough. The email had been waiting in my inbox (surviving as always my daily purge of spam and product emails), until I got home from a lovely catch-up with my best friend. She, who is still healing from a recent divorce, and me, who is officially separated and labeled “co-parent” in a 14-year-long relationship about to leave and stay with my brother for a month. The literal words “alone doesn’t mean lonely” were used in our conversation. We talked about a lot, but ultimately how choosing ourselves has been the hard but worthy path. So I just wanted to thank you for everything you do, and especially for this perfect moment. I found your site and wisdom early in my awakening and have treasured every moment of your guidance along the way. I know you know, but just wanted to put into writing that your work is important and that you’ve certainly cultivated gratitude in me. Within, Without, With Love 💗
Thank you so much for sharing this, Katie. May your path be blessed with healing, joy, and freedom as you open this new chapter in life. 💜
As a retired home health nurse in rural TX for almost 30 yrs, loneliness can definitely be seen as an illness. I suspect, actually I know, the reason it became a focus of the WHO was specifically how loneliness affected the elderly, more specifically homebound elderly. Sometimes besides the infrequent visits of the nurses, our patients only saw humans with delivery of meals on wheels for months at a time. Our outcomes proved over and over, loneliness was killing our patients faster than heart failure. But there’s no definitive test. I can’t say how younger populations fare, but I know that being alone is often responsible for my sadness 😢
but there is a difference between being alone and feeling lonely. loneliness is generally felt when yearning for anothers company, campanionship, etc. which basically deems your happiness dependant on others- while being alone, involves ones own being, thoughts and is more self reflective. It allows for one to become self reliant, self seeking, content in ones own skin; allowing self care, self love and a whole different approach to living. just my opinion here of course. i totally see your point about the decline in health as i have both worked in the medical field and also cared for my Mother whose depression and lonliness definitely made her diagnosis of early onset Alzheimers harder to manage. best wishes to you and yours.. happy holidays
Thanks Jodi for sharing. Yes, loneliness is definitely an illness and has provable negative health impacts. But as Crystal points out, there is a difference between loneliness and aloneness. Solitude is healing – isolation isn’t. The point of this article is to highlight the fact that the fear of being alone shouldn’t prevent someone from leaving an abusive or dead relationship.