Note: this is an informal, blog-styled post sharing personal thoughts and reflections in a non-linear and non-problem-solving way. If you want to learn more about meaning and purpose in a more structured article, see Meaning of Life VS. Purpose of Life (the Difference!).
A few weeks ago, in the LonerWolf Howl newsletter, I sent an email that got a lot of feedback from our community entitled Embracing the Death Spiral (+ One Crucial Question).ย
In this email, I spoke about the fact that we had both come down with Covid for the first time, which brought up a lot of deeper questions and reflections. As I wrote:
Spiritual Wanderer Course:
Being a lone wolf and a spiritual wanderer is a sacred calling in life โ a unique and alchemical path of awakening. You donโt need to feel lost, alone, or stuck on your journey any more. Itโs time to meet your soulโs deep needs for clarity, self-acceptance, and empowerment. Let us show you how โฆ
And Iโll be honest: it was a lot. Things avoided inevitably came up out of the blue to be processed, mentally and emotionally. Newer unanswered questions emerged. Unexpected shifts erupted. Other than the obvious physical side to it, Covid was surprisingly psychological.
Iโm going to be expanding on a few of those reflections today.
What is the Death Spiral?
The Cambridge dictionary defines the death spiral in a pretty somber way, which Iโm not going to get into here because, in true lone wolf style, Iโve chosen to define it differently.ย
To me, on a personal level, the death spiral is an experience in life where old habits, behaviors, and identities start to crack apart and crumble. We often feel stuck in a limbo or an in-between space.
In the tradition of Tibetan Buddhism, this in-between period is known as the Bardo, which is a space where the soul resides between death and rebirth. We can also enter this Bardo many times during the course of our lives (not just when we die) according to spiritual teacher Pema Chรถdrรถn.
Signs that youโre going through a death spiral include, for example:
- Realizing that things that once worked no longer work now
- Noticing that long-established patterns are now dissolving and composting beneath you
- Feeling lost
- Feeling demotivated and low-energy
- Loss of meaning or purpose
- Being in a liminal state of not knowing โwhat next.โ
In the death spiral, the desire to grow, expand, and take up more space becomes almost painful.
I like using the term โdeath spiralโ because the way of life is indeed spiralic: it ebbs and flows.ย
Shadow & Light Membership:
โญ๏ธโญ๏ธโญ๏ธโญ๏ธโญ "Receiving these messages is a beacon of light and hope for me in currently very challenging times. The words of wisdom speak right to my soul, guiding and encouraging me further on my path. I highly recommend Shadow & Light to everyone who seeks to develop and cultivate a relationship with the Inner Self." โ Karin
We observe life and death all around us in the seasons, in the birth and demise of animal life, in the explosion of stars and the formation of new galaxies, and in the rise and fall of the sun and moon.
ย We, too, go through death spirals; ones that are both small and large, internal and external โ and we experience this many times throughout the course of our lives.ย
My Experience With the Death Spiral Right Now
As I write this, itโs mid-November 2023, and I can say without a doubt that Iโm in a death spiral right now.ย
This isnโt the first time, and it wonโt be the last time, but the hardest part of this death spiral for me is how it demands that I take a brutally honest reflection on my own work and contribution to this world.ย
Not only that, but the death spiral asks me to find what isnโt working, what isnโt filling my cup any longer, and what I need to let go of โ which, quite frankly, feels freakinโ scary and like the house around me is collapsing.
After working so hard for many months on the Mindful Shadow Work book and Chakra Shadow Work Journal, I finally managed to cross the finish line earlier this month. I launched them to the world, and I now cross my fingers and hope people love and review them well. I believe they’re both dynamic and powerful creations.
Bam โ I completed my goal!
But then, I fell ill with Covid (literally the same week as the launch), was forced to slow down, and also faced the lack of direction and purpose that I feel deep down in my wider work but have ironically buried in the shadow through my workaholism tendencies.ย
I donโt have the full picture yet, and Iโm not at a level of complete clarity, but I learned that something is missing in my work here on lonerwolf. I discovered that I was entering a death spiral.
Donโt get me wrong, I love exploring the spiritual awakening journey, and in particular, the dark side of humanity, and I always will. Shadow work is something deeply important to me and I continue to stand by it.
But I need to expand. Lonerwolf needs to expand. I need to grow, evolve, and explore new areas.ย
Would you like to save this?
We'll email this article to you, so you can come back to it later!
Your information will never be shared.
Iโve been exploring the psychological, emotional, and metaphysical aspects of the spiritual journey for over a decade now. Yes, I’ve done 10+ years of consistent hard work and effort โฆ and yet Iโm beginning to lack more and more purpose and feel increasingly stuck.
The Power of Meaning and Purpose
This crisis of feeling lost, aimless, stuck, stranded, uninspired, and empty that I’m experiencing has led to a lot of reflection and discussion with Mateo, who is experiencing similar feelings.
And these conversations have led me to realize how essential meaning and purpose are to our lives โ they are literally the bedrock on which I build a sense of fulfillment, joy, and well-being.ย
In fact, what I do here is my spiritual path. My work is my gift to this world and something I feel like Iโll be proud of on my deathbed. And it can feel damn scary when thatโs challenged.ย
Without having a strong meaning each day โ without feeling inspired, directed, and focused, I feel adrift. Feelings of being overwhelmed and impotent come up as I observe the situation of the planet and society, and I realize how powerful having a meaning is in that it gives you a sense of agency.
It makes you feel like youโre helping or creating small ripples of change โ it gives you a sense of purposeful empowerment. Because even if youโre not the savior of the planet (which no one can be), youโre still doing something.ย
One Key Reflection
As my attention has begun shifting away from the trauma-healing aspect of the spiritual journey โ which Iโve written incessantly for years and years on end โ Iโve begun thinking more about meaning and purpose.
What does it mean to have meaning and purpose? How do you find them? Why are they so important in this day and age? And why are we going through a meaning crisis as a society?
Iโm still reflecting on these questions, and if you have any insight, feel free to share it in the comments.
For those familiar with tarot, Iโm personally experiencing an eight of cups + death period:
So what Iโve decided to do is begin reading Ikigai, a well-known book that talks a lot about how to find your reason to jump out of bed in the morning.
And the one key reflection from that book that I want to share comes from death camp survivor and psychiatrist Viktor Frankl, who writes:ย
Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms โ to choose oneโs attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose oneโs own way.
This quote comes from a man who survived one of the most horrific experiences in the history of humanity โ the Holocaust. He survived it by finding a sense of meaning and purpose which was constructing his own form of psychotherapy known as logotherapy on scavenged pieces of paper in the death camp he occupied.ย
If that isnโt a damn trial by fire, I donโt know what is โ and while there are so many paths, theories, and healing movements out there these days, when push comes to shove, when shit hits the fan, they often lack the power to help us find true rootedness and sanity, in the moment.
Please reflect on the above key quote by Viktor Frankl and find what it means to you.
Last Thoughts
Iโm hanging out in a space of confusion, uncertainty, and lostness right now. Perhaps you are, too. If so, I hope you feel comforted in knowing that youโre not alone.
Meaning and purpose are essential to a life well lived, and Iโm going to continue reflecting deeply on this topic. Who knows what will come out of it?
Spiritual Awakening Bundle:
โญ๏ธโญ๏ธโญ๏ธโญ๏ธโญ "This was probably one of the best purchases I made in a long time โฆ These are some of the most valuable texts Iโve ever read, and I'll never forget the path they started me on. Thank you so much for writing it and putting it out there for us to find." โ Heloรญsa
Whenever you feel the call, there are 3 ways I can help you:
1. The Spiritual Wanderer Course: Need "big picture" direction, clarity, and focus? Our Spiritual Wanderer course is a crystallization of 10+ years of inner work, and it can help you find your deeper path and purpose in life as a spiritual wanderer. You get 3+ hours of audio-visual content, workbooks, meditations, a premium test, and more!.
2. Shadow & Light Membership: Want weekly intuitive guidance to support you on your awakening path? This affordable membership can help you to befriend your dark side, rediscover more self-love, and reclaim inner wholeness.
3. Spiritual Awakening Bundle: Looking for a collection of all our essential transformative resources? You get five enlightening ebooks, seven in-depth journals, plus two empowering bonuses to help you soul search, heal, and awaken.
I too am in a Death Spiral. (in my perspective…) I have been killing off my Primary Soul’Id (one of my human soul id’s/identitys) – the ego storyline that has been my lifetime constant up until now.
This particular Soul’Id storyline effectively rules my relationship to day-to-day life … my expectations, my manifesting fears, my reactions, my beliefs, my dramas … my inner-voice that replays the same ‘storyline’. It is, until now, my ‘i’story (/history).
This Soul’Id was exhausted … it wanted to die … together (my collective Soul’Ids – all facets of the Soul Diamond) put that ‘one’ to sleep … RIP. That ‘i’story storybook, was fully read, acknowledged, witnessed, then closed, and placed up on the ‘is’story bookshelf.
We each ‘is’ “the Creator” in human form on earth. However: we ‘is’ Not “the Creator” of any’Thing (the “things” are of Gaia – the “things” [our body] are Not our “possession”) ; we ‘is’ Not the conscious in-control Creator of our Life … but … we ‘IS’ “the Creator”, in total Free-Will, of our own “Story” of our Lifetime … our “Matter-of-Perspective” as a Soul in the Earth World of 3D “Matters”.
You have Sovereign Free-Will on Earth (only) of Your Story / Your ‘i’story (history) … & especially of how You Perceive Your Story re’Acts to the dramas of your Life.
The ‘Death Spiral’ is the Death of ‘one’ of our personal ‘storylines’ … a ‘storyline’ that as an ‘Actor’ we repetitively play out on the ‘stage’ of our life. At its “Death”, we no longer act out the ‘script’ of that ‘one’ of our free-will choice storyline.
But now we must choose (“purpose”) a new storyline script … spin your “soul diamond” … centre in your 3rd-eye a new facet of your soul diamond … Be that Soul’Id … Be “the Creator” of a new original “i”story.
That is your Creator gift to Creator Source … & that is your Creative gift to the expansion of “All” Life.
And, a little secret … ‘is’ your new chosen Soul’Id storyline, a script of “Service-to-Self” or “Service-to-Others” … this Soul Choice is Your Vote for (the theatre of) Your Souls Next Lifetime Experience.
Iโve been working towards helping protect endangered species but something just snapped. Maybe itโs fear over a health issue. I donโt know. Suddenly all my feelings went dead on me. I donโt feel like myself anymore.
Even noble goals can crumble when emotions vanish and everything turns bland.
I hear you Bill. Maybe it’s a sign to turn inwards and see what’s going on. There’s nothing wrong with changing direction and seeing what your soul wants now, others will inevitably be there to help protect these endangered species.
Maybe you just spend too much time focusing on the shadow side? Psychology in particular seems to be a totally negative lens. It’s all about pathology rather than resilience. One of the few books I’ve found that focusses on the positive (without denying the negative) is Caroline Myss’s Defy Gravity- Healing beyond the bounds of reason.
Also, maybe you are approaching a new season-in my humble experience there is a season for deep spiritual searching- and then a season for coming back to a more practical manifestation of what you have learnt- maybe a natural karmic cycle of (a) spiritual search/connection (b) thought/intellectual ordering (c) physical manifestation/action. I find I feel out of sorts if I get stuck in my own thoughts too much rather than being out amongst people and the world outside, or if I’m stalling off creating stuff and action that manifests the spiritual change.
As you say this sometimes means losing your current identity, or radically redefining it, which can be scary. Who will you be if you are no longer Loner Wolf?
Does that help, make sense?
100% on point! The psychology can keep you stuck in victim consciousness powerless, still identifying as the small one… The egioc mind & all its attachments, delusions, & misinterpretations must be surrendered to the True One! Dont get stuck on traumas.. These are stories with distorted perceptions misaligned with the Truth of who YOU really are… Yoiu have to feel it to heal it but you dont need to adress every trauma of the past to do so… Shedding Light of Awareness on every though & story in the Now will dissolve past traumas as you gain deeper insight & no longer identify with them as you… Getting caught up in the darkness can be a never-ending journey or at least the long way for sure…
We can certainly get caught up in the darkness, and also equally caught up in the light (if not more so). I always strive for the middle way, although that can be elusive sometimes. Thanks for this insight Brian.
Hi Juliet,
I am aware that I focus a lot on heavy topics โ I do this mostly as a form of service to help others. But I also recognize that it can sometimes take a toll on my well-being. Although I’ll still focus on pain points, I also want to focus on areas of joy, as well as intentional living. Who knows what kind of content will come out of that, but it’s what I feel more drawn to now. :)
You are bang on point with this article Aletheia.
So much so that I don’t wonder if what we are experiencing is a current of a greater death spiral affecting this world.
As if Gaia herself is undergoing what a lot of people are experiencing at the moment.
This is the age we are in the Kali Yuga, the turning cusp of Aquarius.
All pointing towards times of great upheaval and change.
Death of the old and the bringing in of new ways of being.
I find it a bit mind blowing to hear someone’s words describing what they are going through echoing almost exactly the feelings I’m experiencing in my life right now.
I’m sad that you guys are going through such a difficult time but it truly makes me feel less alone ( I know I’m so selfish ๏ปฟ๐๏ปฟ).
Hopes and prayers to you guys that these transitions aren’t too painful and that you find that strength that I know lies within you both to carry you over the river to the far shore.
Just remember the immortal words of that wise sage Dory.
Just keep swimming ๏ปฟ๐๏ปฟ
๏ปฟโค๏ปฟ
Kali Yuga, yes! I’d heard of this vaguely, but it does add an extra layer of depth and meaning to this process. Thank you for sharing that Nick, and also for your sage words. We’re in this together! Let’s all keep swimming ๏ปฟ๐๏ปฟ
Thank you for the honest article. I very much appreciate your work and sharing. I too believe meaning and purpose are vital and many of us search for them – I have come to realise that discovering our purpose does not have to be a huge thing. And that we do not have to put loads of pressure on ourselves to find it. It can just be in the person that we are everyday. Being the person who greets others with a smile, ask how someone is and really listen, pick up some litter that you walk past, ask ‘are you OK?’ if you see someone upset in the street or making positive conscious choices as a consumer. For me, my purpose at the moment is working on myself to become a happier human (I don’t always succeed by the way!) and I see the ripple effect on my world and the people around me who perhaps in turn may do the same if they see the positive benefits.
I really love your comment, Julie. So much beauty in this simplicity. I really admire it. Thank you for this inspiration ๏ปฟ๐๏ปฟ
This was an interesting article. Victor’s words strike deeply.
Thanks Lala ๏ปฟ๐๏ปฟ
I canโt remember a time in my life when I did not feel like I was in a hopeless death spiral. I wonder if I was just born on the downslope of that entropic process on this planet. I question if the concept of sustainability is even possible. I wonder why we are intelligent and conscious and if they have limits. What the hell are black holes?! What is exceptional leadership? Does it matter? Can anyone effect real change? โBusy nessโ is intolerable. I ache for pure consciousness. I strive for it until my brain hurts. All that seems to have meaning and grounding for me anymore is Nature, tapping into โthe creator.โ Animals. Love. Exceptional human expression. Striving to purify myself. Realizing that if we all did that we would be in a better collective place. Can we change other people? Should we even try? Are we the best we can be ourselves? Does anything we do even matter? Is my consuming existence just contributing to the problem? Would I make the most positive contribution if I just disappeared?
Your very existence is helping hold the light for the world. Unclutter yourself from all the past beliefs and extraneous thoughts that donโt serve you anymore. There you will find your key to clarity. The brain cannot comprehend that which your heart/soul already knows.You have to peel back the layers/mistruths that have been laid on you by society and heal in order to hear your guidance and true self. Believe me, as a collective we are definitely making real change. ๐
Beautifully put, Amy โค๏ธ
Lots of love to you. Iโm feeling it too. But Iโm also feeling hope and excitement and growth amidst the confusion and death. Loads of love ๐
It’s a beautiful contrast in some ways. Thank you for sharing Amber, lots of love ๏ปฟ๐๏ปฟ
I’m feeling this so much right now, rudderless, aimless, unmotivated and no idea what I’m meant to be doing, everything seems a bit pointless and I’m self sabotaging myself constantly. It feels very much like a void state, as otherwise I’m happy, peaceful and grateful for everything I already have. Not sure where it’s going but I’m just sort of floating at the moment and I know it will evolve as it’s meant to! Thanks for this great article, I love all your work! ๐
You describe this experience so well, Laure. You’re not alone ๏ปฟ๐๏ปฟ
i am done with the matrix and society. I want to disappear into the woods. I hate work. It’s a waste of time. I hate going to a cubicle and wasting my precious life time just to make money so that i can barely survive. I won’t be able to afford a house until god knows when. The cities are awful and dangerous trash. I feel so goddamn unhappy and helpless. And why isn’t anyone talking about how awful it is seeing your Mom aging. How heartbreaking and depressing it is. Realizing how fast time flies and that i will be old in a few decades. Life is unfair and it sucks. Why am i even alive? I can’t even end myself because that would kill my mother. I am really starting to feel tired of life. And so much injustice and suffering in this world. I can’t take this anymore. If there is a god i hope i will find a way to hurt her/him. I hate the Universe. Nothing and no one gives a shit about us. Nature gets destroyed and no one cares. Animals suffer and they can’t talk. Can’t tell you what’s wrong. If life isn’t the most cruel joke i don’t know what is
Hi Lostgirl,
I’m sorry to hear of the pain and suffering you’re experiencing. Have you looked into the experience of the Dark Night of the Soul https://lonerwolf.com/the-dark-night-of-the-soul/ ? It sounds like you’re going through this.
While there is indeed a lot of heartbreak and depressing realities in the world, there is also joy, beauty, and kindness. We get fed so much negativity from the media (because it sells and grabs our attention) that it skews our ability to see the light, and instead we become consumed in the darkness. Our minds then start seeking out and ruminating on all the cruelty and evil in the world. We also lose touch with our soul essence that is beyond both of those extremes.
Work is a tough one, and I know the feeling of working in a job you hate and making scarce money. Just know that if you set your mind on finding freedom, on exploring alternative avenues, on exploring your Ikigai, you can transform the situation for yourself.
I hope the words of Viktor Frankl, who survived the worst horrors and still found strength to move on and find goodness in humanity, a comfort. I know they are to me.
If you are feeling suicidal, please do reach out to find some support. There’s always a compassionate ear available: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines
Big hugs โก
Thank you for your reply. I might check those articles out. I don’t think anything will help. It just is what it is. I might kill myself in the near future or i won’t. I will see. Suicidal prevention does nothing. Bla blah blah does not solve anything. But thank you for your kind words. Do good in this world for me. By that i mean take care of animals and the environment. Promise me you will do that! Especially when i’m gone. I don’t care about most humans anymore. They are the worst. But forests,lakes,mountains,the ocean and our furry friends do matter. Please never stop caring about them!
Please donโt kill yourself. You think it will end your unhappiness by ending your consciousness, but death is NOT the end of our consciousness. And what we all experience after death is informed by the reality that we created while were still alive. In other words, your Afterlife wouldnโt be any happier than your current life is. At least as long as youโre alive, there is ALWAYS the possibility of change, no matter how bleak things may seem at any given moment. (โWhere thereโs life, thereโs hope,โ as the old saying goes.) Death would put an end to that possibility and to that hope forever, and (for suicides) would simply become a state of unrelieved misery. That really isnโt what you want, is it?
Whether you take your life or not is your choice, but I sincerely hope you don’t. Just looking at all the kind, compassionate, and supportive messages here for you here below this thread warms my heart. I hope it warms yours too. You matter, and you’re seen. ๏ปฟ๐๏ปฟ
What a beautiful quote from Viktor. Attitude plus gratitude for me is the key and it is all there inside to tap into, it doesnโt cost anything. In a previous death cycle I found Lonerwolf and it fed my spirit .. The time of contemplation in the death cycle is a gift to just be and life will guide me through. Iโm an OAPso have been in this cycle several times in life and have come to recognise and appreciate what I once heard that โold age a privilege denied to manyโ. If I compare myself to others I could see unfairness or lack so I donโt. Iโm important and here for a reason – I donโt know what that is, but I trust that by living as best I can I am achieving it. I try to fix everything on times when my mind runs away with me and I get into a state of panic, then I remind myself, in the nicest possible way, to mind my own business, and I feel lighter. Itโs only my mind that stops me so I work on getting control of my thoughts, after all thatโs all they are unless I give them power. I can love, suddenly feel joy, anger or deep sadness and compassion, and every emotion in between, do what I can within my means then leave the rest to whatever force created me, is bigger than me and my limited vantage point and life, and life becomes manageable again. I too come from a very damaged and abused place, starting pre verbal, where the only thing I could do by eventually in my late thirties was cry, any corresponding feeling had long been disassociated from, but there was always a light shown to me to guide me in tiny little ways and little by little a moment at a time I found me again. Thereโs a beautiful song by Dolly Parton called โTryโ for anyone interested. With love and gratitude to Luna and Sol, and to everyone for each has a gift to guide someone elseโs way. Namaste I see the light and love that is you ๐
Well, now I’ve heard Dolly sing “Try” for the first time and I loved it! It’s a great inspirational message, and you just got to love Dolly! Thank you, Davina!
This is deeply inspiring, Davina. I love what you write here: Iโm important and here for a reason โ I donโt know what that is, but I trust that by living as best I can I am achieving it. This itself could be a wonderfully healing mantra or affirmation. Beautiful. Thank you for sharing here ๏ปฟ๐๏ปฟ
Hey Lostgirl.
Its a horrible place to be in when you look out at the world and all you can see is pain and loss.
You aren’t alone.
If you are in a very dark place it’s sometimes impossible to see the light that you bring to the world.
It’s like there’s a black shadow over your eyes that stops you.
But that light is there trust me.
You would not be feeling the pain of the world around you so severely if you didn’t have that kind of light within you.
Maybe you yourself are the torch you need to light your way.
And just as an afterthought I should probably listen to my own advice too as I’m just as guilty of falling into despair and risking leaving the world empty of whatever gifts i may have to bring.
Hope with all my heart that we can find what we need to get us through.
Lots of Love
๏ปฟโค๏ปฟ
Iโve been where you are. Your pain is seen and it is valid, especially to sensitive loving souls. I know you want the pain to stop and that is valid as well. You are here because you are necessary to the change that we all want to see. You donโt have to do anything at all to hold light for the Earth except be. I sense there is a part of you inside that does believe in the world and yourself because otherwise you wouldnโt feel sad/hopeless about it. You are not alone. The only way out of our darkness is through it. Healing ourselves adds to the light and is the most important thing we can do as humans. Youโre not responsible for all the rest. Iโm finally, after nearly 50 years, recognizing that I donโt want to die and give up on the world. Itโs been hell getting here but every bit of work and healing Iโve done was worth it. Still going through more stuff but step by step Iโm clearing it. You are loved more than you know and are so important. People do care about all that you mentioned and so do you. You can do this.๐๐ Big hugs!
Dear lostgirl,
I’m sorry to hear you are so angry. Although, I do understand. I’ve been there too. I see you’ve already gotten a lot of replies. I hope you can take some hope out of them. You are not alone. There is hope. Much love. <3