Stop Being Nice: The Art of Setting Boundaries Without Guilt

“I’m a people-pleaser.” 

Perhaps you can relate to that statement, perhaps not. I know that I can.

Yet the truth is that we’re all groomed to be people-pleasers from a young age. It’s part of the social fabric of getting along with others, which is valuable and necessary.

After all, if we didn’t want to be viewed positively by others and got a special kick out of being hated, we’d probably be suffering from some kind of dark personality disorder or be in jail.

The issue arises when we make our self-worth dependent on others’ liking us. 

It’s one thing to prefer being liked. It’s another thing to be obsessed with what others think about us.

And “being nice” is sometimes (okay, often) a cover for trying to manipulate others’ perceptions of us favorably. 

In comes that magical 10-letter word: BOUNDARIES. 

But what does setting boundaries look like when you’re a pathological people-pleaser or “nice guy/gal” – and how do you set them up to last? 

Why You Fail at Setting Boundaries (And Why It’s Not Your Fault)

Christmas, birthday parties, get-togethers, chance encounters, networking events, family events … these are some of the many situations that require you to flex the muscle of setting boundaries. But how well do you fare?

I’ve got to admit that setting boundaries is often still a struggle for me.

I still feel the dread in the pit of my stomach when it comes to drawing a line and saying no. I still cringe at the awkward feeling of declining offers or requests for my energy that I have no interest in fulfilling.

Perhaps through time and experience, this will get easier? I don’t know. I hope so. 

But here’s what I’ve learned about why so many of us sensitive solitude lovers often fail to set boundaries (and why it’s often not our fault):

• We haven’t been educated enough on what healthy boundary setting looks like (note: it’s not about ghosting people, being avoidant, or slamming the door in someone’s face)
• We aren’t in touch with our core needs and values, so we just drift along and “go with the flow,” even if that flow is against our deeper wishes
• We lack preparation and don’t have enough go-to strategies for setting boundaries, so we wind up freezing or feeling overwhelmed 
• We don’t realize that setting boundaries also occurs internally with our own thoughts, and isn’t only an external experience

I’ll explore these points a little more soon, but first, let’s quickly examine the consequences of having weak boundaries.

If You Don’t Start Setting Boundaries, This is What Happens

In her manual The Set Boundaries Workbook, therapist, social worker, and writer Nedra Glover Tawwab defines seven consequences of lacking boundaries:

1. Burning out – physical, mental, and emotional exhaustion
2. Feeling resentful – festering anger at being mistreated or taken for granted
3. Frustration – chronic annoyance at others
4. Anger – hostility expressed outwardly or suppressed and directed inwardly
5. Superhero syndrome – the underlying belief that you can do everything without the support of others 
6. Anxiety – tension that arises from saying “yes” all the time 
7. Depression – feeling hopeless that life will ever change or improve

How many of these can you relate to?

How to Start Setting Boundaries When You’re a People Pleaser (Without Guilt)

A life without healthy boundaries limits your ability to live your life on your own terms. What you want for yourself is clouded by what others say, think, and do. What you need is dimmed because of what others need. When you don’t own and manage your life, others will do it for you. – N. Tawwab

When you don’t own and manage your life, others will do it for you … Ooof, that last sentence packs a punch, doesn’t it?

If you’re a sensitive lone wolf like me, setting boundaries sounds easy in theory, but it’s harder in practice.

When you’re attuned to others’ needs and the subtle changes in their energy, it’s all too easy to let your boundaries slip. Or be non-existent in the first place.

Here’s what I’ve learned:

1. Boundaries require a healthy dose of solitude – because only in solitude can you find who you are and what you need

In his book Bradshaw on The Family: A Revolutionary Way of Self-Discovery, counselor and teacher John Bradshaw writes,

A mature person is one who has differentiated himself from all others and established clearly marked ego boundaries. A mature person has a good identity.

To have a “good identity,” one that is differentiated from others, you need to tune into your own internal voice.

You can’t do that when you’re bombarded with social commitments and the entertainment slop of endless social media streams. You need real solitude.

Without being alone, how can you discover who you truly are and what you truly want? 

Taking time to sit alone with your thoughts and feelings is the best way to do this.

Take a walk in nature. Sit on your porch alone with a cup of tea and a journal. You need a strong inner foundation to make setting boundaries a solid reality. 

2. Discover what healthy boundaries look like (and find a role model)

With people I don’t know that well, I have an avoidant attachment style, so my immediate response is to avoid and escape from uncomfortable situations. But that’s not what true boundary setting is (and it’s something I’m slowly undoing).

Setting boundaries also doesn’t look like totally ghosting someone (aka, not acknowledging their existence –  although this can come in handy with toxic types) or aggressively slamming doors in their faces. 

Healthy boundaries do look like finding the middle ground between rigid (brick-wall) and porous (non-existent) ones. 

With healthy boundaries, you have freedom, flexibility, and assertiveness to let people into your inner circle or keep them out, at will.

Here’s an analogy:

• Weak or porous boundaries are like an open communal square. Anyone can come and go. It’s overwhelming and chaotic.
• Rigid boundaries are like a fortress with a 50-foot-wide moat. No one can go in or come out. It’s suffocating and intimidating.
• Healthy boundaries are like a house. You get to choose who comes in and out, and when.

Take a moment to consider which one of these examples you relate to the most. Then, go find a role model.

Therapists who talk about boundaries are generally good people to model yourself after, as a big part of their job is learning to master strong personal boundaries. 

3. Get in touch with your core needs and values so you have an anchor in life 

A huge cornerstone of the journey of healing and self-fulfillment is defining what you actually need and value on a core level. And yet, this is one of the most overlooked necessities for living a good life.

Without this fundamental inner anchor, it’s easy to feel guilty when setting boundaries. It’s easy to get persuaded to do things against your true desires or let people in who are toxic for you. 

When you don’t know who you truly are or what your Soul needs, why not just “go with the flow” and conform to others’ beliefs about who you should be?

Finding your core needs and values begins with defining the 3-5 non-negotiable qualities you need to live a meaningful life. 

It can be an intimidating process, which is why I’ve broken it down for you in an easy step-by-step way in my 🌟 Needs Inventory and ❤️‍🔥 Values Clarification Crucible exercises. These are available in the Soul Work Compass Course, which you can start any time. ;)

4. Have some go-to strategies prepared (yes, I’m talking about creating a master list)

Be prepared for tricky situations that will push your limits, like Christmas gatherings or family events. 

I find it helps to have a list of options or “tools” to use. I’ve called mine a “decision tree,” which is organized in a way that describes certain situations and ways I could respond.

For example:

• If [toxic person] says or does this, use the grey rock method (which is being as boring as you can to repel them!).
• If [certain person] invites me to the event I don’t want to go to, say no to them in one of the following ways: “I’ve got too much on my plate,” “I appreciate the offer, but I won’t be able to make it,” “I’ll sit this one out, but thanks for thinking of me” etc.
• If [family member] wants to come over, outline the exact days and times I am and am not available.

You get the picture. If you want to start with one simple place, create a master list of ways to say “no” (I recommend including at least 10 variations).

5. Set boundaries in your mind with your own thoughts (it’s not just an external behavior)

We often think setting boundaries is exclusively about others. But it’s as much about our relationship to ourselves than anything else. 

Learning the art of setting boundaries without guilt is about being aware of our own thoughts. It’s about emotional intelligence and cognitive awareness. 

Do you ruminate over old conversations? Do you regret not doing or saying _____? Do you replay events in your head and worry that you may have offended someone?

In the Enchiridion, Stoic philosopher Epictetus writes some words that form the foundation of modern CBT therapy,

Some things are in our control and others not. Things in our control are opinion, pursuit, desire, aversion, and, in a word, whatever are our own actions. Things not in our control are body, property, reputation, command, and, in one word, whatever are not our actions.

In short, don’t worry about what others think – that’s not in your control! The only thing in your control is your own choices, behaviors, and mindsets.

The less worry and emotional enmeshment = the more peace = the better you can set boundaries. 

If you’re a sensitive and empathic person, this is vital to learn. It not only saves your sanity, but it also liberates you to direct your energy in ways that feel more fulfilling.

I explore how to set stronger mental boundaries in greater depth in Chapter 15, Healing the Mental Realm, of my book Awakened Empath, if you need more guidance. 💜

***

In the words of therapist and writer Beverly Engel,

If you live your life to please everyone else, you will continue to feel frustrated and powerless. This is because what others want may not be good for you. You are not being mean when you say NO to unreasonable demands or when you express your ideas, feelings, and opinions, even if they differ from those of others.

Setting boundaries is an inner and outer job. It’s an essential skill for a life well lived. I hope this guide has inspired you to find that for yourself.

Tell me, what’s a novel or unique way you’ve set boundaries in the past? I’d love to hear what has worked for you. Please share in the comments. ;)