A true friend is one soul in two bodies. – Aristotle
What do you define as a “friend”?
Take a moment to think about your answer.
Once upon a time, people described true friendship as a connection between two fiercely loyal people who would give their lives for each other’s well-being. A true friend used to be thought of as a person who would stick with us through thick and thin; an alter-ego of sorts who we could confide in about anything and everything, and trust completely.
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These days the meaning of friendship has been somewhat diminished as we assign our drinking buddies, neighbors, colleagues and acquaintances with the “friendship” status (don’t get me wrong, some of these people can be true friends, but usually not).
We even reward the strangers and distant associates on our social networking account “friend lists” with the devalued title, as though the word “friend” is nothing more than a worthless, futile word that can be tossed around and pinned onto anyone with a face.
While it is great that we are open enough to assign anyone in our lives as “friends,” our ignorance of what a true friend is and what being a true friend means contributes to a great sense of isolation and loneliness in our lives.
We have even turned “friend” into doublespeak with the modern word “frenemy” being used a way of describing people who you are friendly with (like with a friend), but secretly dislike (like with an enemy).
More than ever the importance of making and learning how to be a true soul friend and seeing it as a spiritual relationship is a vital part of life satisfaction in our increasingly disconnected society. I hope to explore this a bit more with you today.
Finding and Being a True Soul Friend
Sociologist and psychologist Lillian Rubin conducted an intriguing study that was published in her book, “Just Friends: The Role of Friendship in Our Lives” back in the 1980’s which was created to discover whether people reciprocally identified each other as “best friends,” or not.
In this study, 132 people were asked to write down the name of one person within the group who they identified as their best friend. To Rubin’s surprise, 84 out of the 132 respondents didn’t mention the person who originally submitted their name as their best friend. Only 18 out of the 132 respondents mutually identified each other as best friends.
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What implications does this study have on our lives? The reality is that our perceptions of “friendship” have weakened so much that most of us – as revealed by this study – struggle to even identify our mutual close friends.
To me friendship is one of the purest forms of love among humans because it (rarely) receives any form of sexual or monetary gratification/compensation; just the joy of connecting deeply with another. Perhaps this is why we love and worship our pets so much? They often provide the only form of true soul friendship we can find immediately in our lives. The love of a pet is an unconditional love. Can you say the same for yourself or for others?
Asking myself this question often makes me stop dead in my tracks as I come to face all of the conditions that I tend to impose on others that stymie a true soul friendship. And honestly, while this shocks and deeply grieves me, I see it as an opportunity to grow – and I hope you can grow with me as well.
Fortunately, I have found a couple of true soul friends in my own lifetime which have taught me a lot about the meaning of unconditional love. This is what I have learned:
1. You can talk with a soul friend about anything.
There is no need to hide any topic away or “walk on eggshells” when talking with a soul friend. Although they might have their own contrary opinions, you can nevertheless feel a refreshing sense of liberty and openness when talking with them.
2. Their criticism is constructive, not destructive.
A soul friend wants to help you grow and build you up rather than tear you down … because why would they want to see you suffer? They don’t get any benefit from it. For this reason a soul friend is transparent and forthcoming with their critiques, and doesn’t resort to passive-aggression, bitchiness, or pretense. They trust in the friendship enough to know that an embarrassing revelation won’t toss the connection onto the rocks.
3. You truly feel heard and understood when in the presence of a soul friend.
Rather than talking over you, misunderstanding what you’re saying, or always hogging the attention in a conversation, soul friends open themselves up to listening – truly listening, with the intent to understand your thoughts, feelings, dreams, or dilemmas. There will always be a balance of speaking and listening while communicating with soul friends, in other words, you will both talk and listen equally.
4. You can completely trust them.
When you confide in a soul friend about something delicate or highly personal in nature, they honor your privacy and deeply respect the confidence you have placed in them. They do not use your revelations as secret social fodder behind your back, nor do they betray your trust by letting your confidential conversations leak out. You can trust them with your life.
5. They respect your boundaries.
Rather than being pushy, needy, or demanding, soul friends respect your need for space and don’t take your personal boundaries personally.
6. They value forgiveness and don’t hold on to resentments.
A soul friend is aware that no one is perfect (including themselves) and therefore they prefer not to hold onto bitterness and resentments. If they are angry or hurt, they prefer to talk about it directly and openly rather than hiding it away. While they will forgive you of your shortcomings, they know where to draw the line when repeatedly betrayed.
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7. They see the best in you.
One of the most precious gifts that a soul friend gives in a friendship is unfailing kindness and goodwill. While you might feel ugly, your friend will remind you of your beauty. While you might feel talentless, your friend will remind you of your many skills. In this way, they pick you up when you feel low, reminding you of your inner beauty, power, and capability.
8. Your soul friend is with you through thick and thin.
A true soul friend is with you through your darkest nights and brightest days. As loyal, compassionate companions they are by your side when you are at your absolute worst, offering a helping hand and shoulder to lean on for support – and also when you’re at your most happy and successful, cheering you on in the sidelines. Regardless of what point you’re at in life, soul friends are the most loyal companions, confidants, and comforters.
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Who is a soul friend to you? How can you be a better soul friend? And how can you go about inviting such meaningful connections into you life?
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Friendship is such a wonderful thing. I think in today’s world we are taught to depend on social interaction. This makes finding others a very high priority. And someone’s when high priority things take so long to be fulfilled, our standards change in order to fit the bill. The commonly accepted definition of a friend has changed. We are taught to find that “perfect person,” but we aren’t told how hard that can be.
I sometimes wonder if its normal to want to walk alone. I wasn’t always a person who found solitude as enjoyable. But the more things I experienced and the more I learned, the more I changed.
And now I’m faced with a dilemma. Everyone around me tells me to take it easy. They say I’m too intense and often get unnerved when I drift off into thought. On myriad occasions, I’ve been told that I sometimes just stare and that this is creepy. I wasn’t always like this. And I can be super energetic and friendly too. But then people tell me I’m too excited and need to calm down, lol.
But what really made finding friends hard was realizing my interests simply did not resonate with everyone. I liked doing things other people found way too difficult. I found fun in activities that tax your mind and this put me in an interesting situation.
I knew that in a good friendship, people listen to each other. So I would take interest in others to show I cared, because I did. But then when I wanted to say something, they were either too busy or not interested.
I know they say you need others in your life to be hapoy, but I’ve found great success on my own. I just wonder sometimes, if maybe I’m just a solo type of person. Which way do you go?
Could I be so lucky? I have a Soulmate, my wife , who I have been together with for 31 years We share everything, we are empathetic and there are no secrets(except at birthdays and Valentines day etc) and we follow all the criteria you posted above.We even hold hands.
Also, I met a woman 25years my junior recently and according to the criteria you posted on Twin Flames she fits Exactly, even down to the “Earthquake” bit. There is a very strong father/Daughter bond between us and she is strongly Empathetic.
i have read conflicting data on soul relationships on the internet and I wonder can you point out the differences?
……or should I just shut up and be grateful? :-)
Lucky ducky. :)
Yes, I did write on the differences (in my mind) between these terms: https://lonerwolf.com/soulmates-twin-flames-kindred-spirits/ This is just my perspective remember.
Those deep, intense connections that can be found through a true soul friend definitely seem hard to find these days. I have always struggled to find authentic, loyal friends who can match the emotional and intellectual depths that I crave. My only true soul friends at this point are my boyfriend and an online friend living in another country.
I had another friend in my physical life who almost fit the bill completely, except she offered her presence only when it was convenient for her or when she needed something. She completely ignored me the rest of the time. Although we connected on a soul level, I recently decided to stop settling for her disrespectful ways and feel increasingly more indifferent toward her. Some people appear to prefer quantity of friendships over quality, which means they have a tendency to take some really awesome friendships for granted. I’d prefer being friendless over being taken for granted by someone whom I initially thought had so much potential to be a wonderful friend.
Another issue I’ve noticed with friendships is that for many people, they’re based on superficial interests. There’s nothing wrong with it if people enjoy those types of friendships, but it leaves me feeling terribly bored and unsatisfied if I feel like I can’t be fully open and have in-depth conversations on a variety of topics. I have experienced a lot of loneliness because the type of company I prefer to keep seems extremely rare, but I am so incredibly thankful for the two true soul friends I’ve known for a few years now.
Friendship has always been more important than romantic love and family, at least for me. I’ve only had four persons that I considered friends throughout my 28 years of life. I cared for them, was loyal, kept their secrets, tried to help them whenever I could, and made them feel loved and important. But sometimes I think I must be doing something wrong. I recently ended a friendship of 10 + years when I moved to another country -or maybe the friendship was over long before or never really started. My so-called “best friend” ended up being a liar, a hypocrite, and a fake. You see, we worked at the same company for over a year, sometimes seating next to each other, having breakfast and lunch together, and sharing our frustration with work and joys in our personal lives. But he lied so many times and made so many excuses that I began asking if he was a true friend. I’m writing this because I want closure. As of now, I have no friends but myself and am taking some time to figure out what mistakes I made and reevaluate what is best for me. Still, friendship will always remain an essential part of my life and I still have hope in it!
P.d. Mateo, tus artículos y los de Luna son un bálsamo para mi alma. ¡Siempre me pongo feliz al leerlos! Espero sigan escribiendo por muchos años. Un gran abrazo a ambos.
I had a friend like that as well … in fact, I was reflecting on this person last night and realized that I never quite knew when she was telling the truth, or when she was quite lying. Very unsettling. This is a time of rest and reflection for you. It is great to hear that you are honoring the gifts present in this period of your life.
Spanish, I see. :D
Luna this is Glynnis. Do you EVA get my messages. I’m just wondering because I NEVA get a reply from you. Am I DOUNG something wrong. Am I on the right page. To leave reply.??????
same here having fake friend. well she was fake to me and i’m not to her. i think she’s fake without knowing. going through it now. she ran away when you call them out on their fakeness of never being available and trying to put blame on you for disrespecting them. She’s my soulmate friend yet i wonder if she don’t know it due to the poison of desiring romantic relationship. I too value friendship more. Even though these people are special to us, they too can be fake it seems. They can’t fake the feelings they have. You can’t fake body language of the eyes and energy intention. seem the way they repress it is to be a ghost. out of sight out of mind.
In college Luna, I have an amazing soul friend. We are both artists and she is one of the best people i’ve met in my life. I am a writer and she is a painter, a singer, an actress, a writer, and a scholar. She is very gentle, soft-spoken and an absolute sweetheart. We sit together in solitude and talk about personal topics and she never judges nor harshly criticizes. Her kindness and friendliness is extremely genuine and mild-mannered and not overly-sappy nor does she ever patronize me. We are like two playful children who love using our imaginations and love children’s books and childlike pleasures. She loves cats as much as I do and she is very similar to a cat. Like a cat, she is warm and friendly and non-judgmental nor does she have extreme anger outbursts or meltdowns. She is Christian but she is completely open-minded to all faiths and she never has any self-righteous tendencies. She embodies the best qualities of Christianity and she is a wonderful friend!! I consider her to be a soul friend and a lifelong friend!!
Zane, that makes my heart warm. Friendship is such a pure form of love, and I hope the two of you remain close for a very long time!
There are just a few people these days, who are more interested in true friendships than just having the usual guys hanging around.
This article is very good and I’m hoping more people will read this.
Thank you
I really love how you explain, “More than ever the importance of making and learning how to be a true soul friend is a vital part of life satisfaction in our increasingly disconnected society.”
I totally agree with your beautiful insights about true friends…..I however would like to take “best” out of your equation. I have more than several soul friends (of course I have been here many years) and could not and don’t want to label any of them as the “best”. Please keep writing….your work is wonderful!
Currently, I don’t think I have real friends. I TRY to be a real friend. I’m generally fiercely loyal, a good listener, and dubbed “non-judgmental”. I’ve been considered a “best friend” at least four times in my life. But, on the flip side, I can be needy, sensitive, and jealous. I’ve been told to let go of the friends who aren’t making time for me and make new friends. Probably true, but it also feels like the equivalent of being told to buy a new toy that got broke. Of course, unlike toys, people aren’t sold in Toys R Us with with a hundred replicas.
It feels like there is always something I’m missing in the world of friendship, but it seems very few people have more of a clue than I do, so trying to get advice that makes sense is hard. Mostly, I’m told to “socialize more”, and make new “friends”. The main complaints about me is I don’t “talk enough”. Which is true. But I’m more interested in what they have to say, generally, than what I have to say because I listen to my thoughts all the time. So, ironically, one of my flaws is that I’m a listener (which makes sense that conversations should be two way). Then, I guess, my next flaw is that I’m TOO loyal. I continue to keep in touch well after they’ve lost interest, or moved on. Like, after I turned eighteen, I moved closer to see friends I had in middle school, only to realise they won’t make time for me. Oops. Or recently, where I tried twice to WALK to a friend’s house for their birthday (they live over 130 miles away). The first time I’d only walked few miles before almost being fined for walking by the freeway, the second time I’d walked over 12 miles, but I had someone drive me home because I realised I didn’t feel safe sleeping outside. I don’t have a car. I think I probably made myself sound crazy by admitting those adventures to said friend because I haven’t heard back from them.
It’s confusing because it seems the more I care about someone, the creepier I seem. And I seem more like an obsessive stalker (I’ve looked up the legality of that, I’m not a stalker). And even if I seem “needy”, I try not to be. I’ve tried to give months distance between visits. I’ve tried being patient. I mostly keep to myself. I try understand that the beginning of adulthood is a vulnerable time for people to figure out what they want in life.
Hmm… I think I need to take the “self-love” articles seriously. Because I’m incredibly afraid of abandonment, but I think I’m abandoning myself. I keep being told to “socialize more”, but really I think I need to focus on my own interests because at my current state, the more people I have in my life, the more drained I’ll feel. It’s funny, because most people consider me a mellow, indifferent person, but I relate to a lot of the traits of an “excruciatingly intense person”.
Dear Hayley, you don’t know me, but I did read your comment here.. It sounded very familiar with many of the struggles that I have had myself throughout my life – being quiet, being the counselor, only being wanted when someone needed to talk to someone understanding, considered too honest, too intense and too serious. I couldn’t help it. I grew up needing to be serious and observant to survive. I couldn’t afford the leisure of letting down my guard or being like others. I didn’t seem to know how either.. Don’t get discouraged. If you pull back, observe without judging, we have a chance to heal.
Sometimes we need time to heal. That fear of abandonment is actually a great sign for me to know “Hey, I need some alone time to accept how “I” feel, what my aspects of myself are. Who are you if you think about who you were before you were born and who will you be after you are dead. I say that because when people need to find themselves – that’s what they need to know – what is unchangeable. What do you think? We tend to forget, that if we give too much – it puts pressure on others. It’s not that they necessarily don’t care for you. It’s that they don’t know how to respond. NO ONE can know what you feel in your head or your heart or what you need to feel content. Give that to yourself.
There was decades that I would feel but I am so alone! I have been alone. I’m doing what everyone says about being independent. I’m still alone.
Its not about being independent. It’s about knowing what your capabilities are. Both logistically and spiritually. I have had a lot of PTSD therapy. That has helped me more than anything because of the power of visualization. It has helped me find a real picture of who I am. Try this: Find a memory of a time when you were Nurturing. Visualize how that felt inside, what did it look like. When you find the memory and you hone in on how it really feels, then meditate on it while tapping your opposite shoulders with both hands back and forth. Internalize it. The go through the whole process another day again with a memory of when you were Protective. Then another day with a memory of when you felt spiritually blessed or had an experience. Internalize how all this felt and the confidence of your knowledge that you are capable in all these areas. When you bring these memories together – make them your counsel. Follow their knowledge above everyone else’s because they know you best. They will become your very first close friends. Hang in there. When you are hurting, remember the different aspects of yourself. What you are good at. and focus on another aspect. Our friendships are only a small aspect of who we are. Our lovers are only a small aspect of who we are. Treasure them but keep them in perspective. Refrain from putting anyone on a pedestal because it will hurt everytime and it won’t be their fault. It’s not so bad as we often think. Blessing to you. And have sweet dreams – both day and night. I hope this was useful to you.
Thank you so much for taking your time to comment. I’ve just read it and I’m seriously crying right now.
Good night to you, too.
I have many “friends” on FB but I do know who my real friends are. Normally I do not accept a friend request unless I personally know the person, although I have on rare occasions made an exception because of things we have in common which means a lot to me.