Having a martyr complex is like having a get out of jail free card.
It allows you to evade guilt and shame, bypass self-responsibility, and perhaps most importantly (and tragically), it allows you to dodge real life self-growth. Having a martyr complex essentially involves pointing the finger at other people or situations in your life and blaming them for your illnesses, disappointments, crushed dreams, and emotional turmoil.
So what is a Martyr? Do you have a Martyr in your life? And most importantly, do you tend to exhibit Martyrdom?
Firstly, What is a Martyr?
Traditionally a martyr is understood as a person who is willing to die for their country, religion or beliefs. These days, a martyr refers to a person who unnecessarily sacrifices themselves for others, while ignoring their own needs.
What is a Martyr COMPLEX?
What is a martyr complex? A martyr complex is a destructive pattern of behavior in which a person habitually seeks suffering or persecution as a way to feel “good” about themselves. We all have the capacity to be martyrs, but martyr complex sufferers adopt this as a daily role, often to the detriment of their relationships.
Having a martyr complex is a way of life as it taints every interaction a person has towards others and their role in the world. I say this because I have not only personally wrestled with a martyr complex in the past, but in the present, I also frequently speak with and mentor self-imposed martyrs.
Why Do People Develop Martyr Complexes?
Why do some people become self-imposed victims, and others become self-possessed champions? There are a number of potential reasons why, and all of them might help you to develop a more compassionate understanding of others and/or yourself:
Childhood experiences mold us significantly, and often martyr complexes develop out of adopting the twisted behavioral patterns and values of our parents. For example, if our mother/father were self-imposed victims who gave up all of their hopes and dreams for us, it is likely that we would adopt the values of being “selfless, sacrificial and kind.” As our parent’s and family members were like gods to us when we were little, we unconsciously adopt many of their traits.
Societal/cultural conditioning also contributes greatly to our tendency to develop certain complexes throughout life. For example, making a simple comparison of South American and North American tradition reveals a lot about differing cultural expectations. Latina women, for example, are traditionally expected to be motherly, nurturing, self-sacrificing homemakers. American women, on the other hand, are frequently encouraged to be active, successful, and even a little selfish, business women. Our cultural roots determine many of the thoughts and feelings we have about who we are, and who we “should” be.
Self-esteem and the subsequent development of our core beliefs is also a major contributor to developing a martyr complex. The worse we feel about ourselves, the more we tend to try covering this up by making believe that we are “kind, loving, compassionate and caring.” The martyr role is essentially a dysfunctional coping mechanism that requires serious shadow work. Being a self-imposed martyr also removes the need for us to take responsibility for our lives by scapegoating other people as the cause of our failures and disappointments.
The Martyr Complex Checklist (18 Signs)
Here we’ll examine the martyr complex more in-depth. All signs and examples will be phrased in the third person.
1. The person has a martyr as their hero, e.g. Joan of Arc, Francis of Assisi, Gandhi, Jesus, or perhaps a parent or grandparent who abandoned all of their hopes and dreams in “service” of the family.
2. They were born into a culture/country/family that has very strict gender roles, religious creeds, or expectations.
3. They display signs of low self-esteem, e.g., inability to receive love or affection, negative body image, excessive judgmentalism, moodiness, etc.
4. They were abused as a child emotionally, psychologically or physically (e.g., by a parent, sibling, family member, church member, teacher, etc.).
5. They have stayed in an abusive relationship or friendship, even despite their ailing health and well-being.
6. They refuse to accept responsibility for the decisions and choices that have caused them pain or suffering.
7. They portray themselves as righteous, self-sacrificing, the “nice guy/girl,” the saint, the caretaker, or the hero.
8. They blame the selfishness and inhumanity of other people for their repression and oppression.
9. They seek to reassure themselves of their innocence and greatness.
10. They exaggerate their level of suffering, hardship and mistreatment.
11. They have a cynical, paranoid or even suspicious perception of other people’s intentions.
12. They have an obsessive need to be right.
13. They have a hard time saying “no” and setting personal boundaries.
14. They assume that other people can read their mind.
15. They emotionally manipulate or coerce people into doing what they want by portraying themselves as the noble sufferer.
16. They don’t take the initiative to solve their problems or try to actively remedy them.
17. When the Martyr’s problems are solved, they find more “problems” to complain about.
18. They actively seek appreciation, recognition, and attention for their efforts by creating drama.
Examples:
1. Jessica is in a relationship with Paul who is an alcoholic. Her friends have constantly advised her to leave the relationship for her health, but Jessica keeps insisting that she will “change” Paul and help him to be a better person – despite his reluctance to improve himself.
2. Antonio is constantly staying overtime at work without being asked to. When one of his colleagues is promoted to the position of regional assistant manager within the company, he guilt trips his boss by pointing out how “hard he works and how much he sacrifices” without getting anything in return.
3. Melissa is trying her best at university, and yet her mother is frequently asking her for help within the house. When Melissa explains that she “has a lot to do” because of her university study, her mother starts complaining how selfish and unthoughtful she is, and how she “has given up everything to get Melissa where she is.”
4. Jake and Flynn own a restaurant. When Jake suggests that Flynn “take a break,” Flynn responds by saying, “Without me, this place will fall apart. I have no choice but to stay here.”
5. Valentina and Rodrigo have been married for 20 years. When Rodrigo suggests that Valentina start painting again, Valentina says, “How can I? I have to continue taking care of my children; I have too much to do,” even though both of their children are self-sufficient teenagers.
How to Deal With the Martyr Syndrome in Others
As we’ve seen so far, those who suffer from the martyr syndrome believe that:
- They must willfully suffer in the name of love
- Everything will fall apart if they aren’t there to hold it together
- They are responsible for everyone else’s well-being and happiness
- Other people are responsible for their unhappiness, hardship, and mistreatment – not them
- Because they sacrifice so much, other people must agree with, obey or appease them 100% of the time
- If they are no value to anyone, they are worthless
Those suffering from the martyr complex also possess a deeply neurotic core belief that “they are bad” and thus must reassure themselves of their innocence through self-sacrifice and displays of self-aggrandizement.
Unfortunately, the Martyr’s deep-seated belief that they are inherently “unworthy” means that they unconsciously attract/set up situations where they will be abused or taken for granted – consequently manipulating and guilt-tripping others – thus reconfirming their belief that they are “bad” and therefore deserve “bad things.”
Essentially, if you live with a Martyr, you’ll find that they are constantly finding ways to prove that they are good, while at the same time inviting situations that make them feel “bad”; for example, staying in abusive relationships, allowing themselves to be used, stirring up unnecessary arguments, creating drama.
So what can you do if you’re on the receiving end of a martyr complex? We’ll explore that below:
1. Stop accepting excessive gifts, favors, and expressions of effort or sacrifice from them
The more you take from a Martyr, the more they’ll expect from you, and the more likely they will feel resentful towards you and create drama in the future. Of course, I don’t mean completely rejecting anything a Martyr has to do or give to you – I actually recommend that you accept something from them once in a while just to let them know that you aren’t completely snubbing them. But ensure that you don’t rely on the Martyr because you could very well be perpetuating their complex. This is very important. You need to learn to be as self-sufficient as possible.
For example, if you live with a parent or family member that is always cooking for you, tell them honestly that you would prefer to cook your own food for most of the week and give them a reason why (e.g. you want to be more independent, you want to learn how to cook, etc.). On the other hand, you could volunteer to help each time they cook, taking away their individualistic desire to self-sacrifice.
2. Acknowledge or agree with them, but don’t fulfill their need for pity, approval or sympathy
For instance, if you have a friend who tells you how she stayed up all night knitting a blanket for the local fair that you run, don’t give her pity or sympathy (after all, that was her own choice). Instead, acknowledge details about the situation, e.g. “Yeah, it’s going to be a big fair” or, “It must look really nice” or, “What yarn did you use?” NOT, “Oh, you poor thing” or, “Wow, you must be feeling so tired” etc.
Another example could be your partner telling you “I spent all morning scrubbing the kitchen – 3 hours non-stop. Now my fingers are swelled up.” In response to this, you could acknowledge or agree, e.g. “Yes, I noticed that it was really dirty. I would have liked to help” or, “It smells nice – did you use tea tree oil?” NOT “Wow, I’m sorry that I didn’t do it earlier!” or, “Thank you so much, you’re an angel.”
With the Martyr, it is much better to express your appreciation of them through actions rather than through words. Also, by not giving the Martyr pity, approval or sympathy, you don’t set yourself up to be guilt-tripped or manipulated, and you don’t actively enable their self-destructive behavior. Instead, they have no choice but to deal with the unnecessary extremity of their actions.
3. Be courageous and speak to them honestly
First of all, you need to realize (and probably already do) that being honest with anyone feels uncomfortable. If you open up to the Martyr in your life about how you feel, you will likely be met with denial, tears, or offense – or a combination of all three. Even so, if you care about the Martyr in your life, you need to plant that seed within them, letting them know that they really do have a problem which needs to be worked on. Here are some do’s and don’ts when it comes to having a heart-to-heart with the Martyr in your life.
Do:
- Organize or find an appropriate time to talk (that is not full of distraction or drama). The kitchen and bedroom is a good place, as well as the outdoors (in a quiet place).
- Open the conversation by telling them how much you value them and appreciate their effort.
- Follow by letting them know that you’ve noticed how their behavior tends to be unnecessarily self-sacrificing, and the detrimental results of this behavior on both you, your family/friends, and them.
- Be aware that they will most likely go into denial instantly. On the other hand, they will probably point the finger at you and start criticizing your flaws to take the attention off them. Be aware of your own tendency to get offended and defensive (which will ruin the entire conversation), so acknowledge what they say, agree with them, but re-establish what the conversation is about.
- Give them clear examples of their behavior. Be aware that they will try to argue their case, and listen to it (because there is a chance YOU could be wrong). But also remember to keep on-course and give them good reasons why you are bringing the subject up.
- They might lapse into self-pity, in which case you can comfort them, but also talk to them about the need for them to take time to love and appreciate themselves rather than always expecting others to.
- If they agree that they have a problem, talk about how to resolve it. E.g. They could go see a therapist, or they could enroll in a self-help course, or buy a book on the topic. You could even volunteer to let them know in the future when they are slipping into the Martyr role to give them helping hand.
Don’t:
- Don’t become defensive, angry or argumentative. YES, it is tempting, but you need to start the conversation from a place of calmness and understanding. People who suffer from martyr complexes are almost always completely unaware of what they’re doing. Their behavior is the result of a lack of self-awareness and self-love.
- Don’t criticize THEM personally, only their BEHAVIOR. Talk in terms of “I’ve noticed that the behavior you show …” or “Your behavior is unsettling …” INSTEAD OF “You are manipulating me,” “You’re always doing this …”
- Don’t talk to them when they are already stressed out or busy. Plan the conversation for the right time and place.
- Don’t expect the conversation to go perfectly. Likely it will be challenging, and you might need to revisit it quite a few times before it sinks in. In other cases (in the instance of old people), the conversation could be completely pointless in terms of expecting them to change. But being open about how you feel really helps to clear the air and it helps to encourage the Martyr in your life to be more self-aware in the future.
Keyword: Understand
Understanding why a person in your life has a martyr complex is the best way of forgiving them, loving them and living with them. This doesn’t mean that you need to approve what they do or allow yourself to be manipulated, but it does mean that you can experience more freedom and happiness, not letting pent up emotions ruin your mental and emotional health.
How to Deal With the Martyr Complex Within Yourself
So what if you are actually the one struggling with the martyr syndrome?
Don’t worry. We all have our shadows, and you’re certainly not a terrible or horrible person (so please don’t think that!). You are a well-intentioned, yet misguided person who has probably been unaware of this issue for a very long time. And that’s okay.
The very fact that you’re reading these words right now and are willing to change shows how sincere you are in regards to changing your life and the life of others. Well done!
Below, I’ll offer some suggestions which will help you put to rest self-martyrdom:
1. Find a new role within your friendship/relationship/workplace
This is extremely important. As a species, we all have varying roles in our friendships and relationships. Some people adopt roles of authority, others adopt roles of equality and others accept roles of submission.
Your role has been the self-sacrificing nurturer; in other words, your role has been elevated ABOVE other people because other people have become dependent on you in one way or another. Thankfully, you can change this. You need to step out of your nurturer role and explore different roles that are authentic to you and feel honest. Here are a few examples of healthy roles:
- The lover
- The confidant
- The buddy/mate
- The adventurer
- The comic relief
- The helper (don’t get this confused with over-extending yourself)
- The peace maker
There are many other roles out there – but always ask yourself, “Is this a healthy role? Am I elevated above, below, or am I acting as an equal to this person?” Always seek roles that create equality both for yourself and for the other.
2. Take responsibility for yourself
Learn to take responsibility for your decisions, feelings, and actions. Although it can be painful and hard to do, taking responsibility allows you to draw a line between what you can and can’t change in your life. While taking self-responsibility can be difficult, it’s also very empowering. Instead of blaming others for your suffering, you’ll know that your happiness is no one else’s responsibility but yours – and you’ll therefore feel inspired to make positive changes in your life.
3. Prepare yourself for backlash
There will be mistakes, and there will also be people in your social circle who are confused, perhaps even alarmed or annoyed by your behavior. When a person in a friendship or relationship suddenly changes their role, there is inevitably a bit of drama. The best way to reduce the drama is to straightforwardly tell your friend/s, family members, partner or even colleagues that you are going through a period of self-growth that requires you to experiment. Clear, open communication is the best way to make your path a bit smoother. But don’t expect it to be. You might find that a particular connection in your life is not serving you because it is actually enabling your martyr role.
What can you do in such a case? If it is possible to repair this friendship, partnership or relationship, do so. Communicate, be patient, but don’t allow any person to hinder your healing process. After all, YOU have to live with YOURSELF for the rest of your life. Do you want to live an exhausting lie? Do you want to lie on your deathbed and reflect on a half-lived life? Or do you want to take the chance to start fresh, clear the slate, and experience the joy and freedom that comes with expansion?
The point is that you have to deeply, sincerely want to change, EVEN at the expense of potentially losing important relationships in your life. Be patient and give yourself time to think about this.
4. Practice inner work and involution
Involution (as opposed to evolution) is about shifting your awareness from the external world to the internal world. It’s about making self-growth and actualization your priority and letting go of the masks, pretentions and toxic behavioral patterns that make your life a living hell.
Two of the paths of inner work are self-awareness and self-love, and these are vital to healing the martyr syndrome. Cultivating these two properties can take months to even years. But know that the more these qualities are honed, the more clarity, confidence, and capability you have to truly love and receive love without conditions.
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To help you become more self-aware you might like to start by asking someone you trust to help you out. You could sit down with your partner, explain your feelings and discoveries, and ask them to do a big favor for you: point out any time that you are slipping back into the martyr role. Let them know that you might be pissed off, defensive or hostile towards them for doing this in the future, but this is only because of your delicate self-esteem. Remember to thank them continuously for their effort.
Alternatively, you could keep a journal every day noting down your progress. You need to religiously write in this journal every day (even if you don’t feel like it), exploring what you did, how you felt and what you think in general.
Lastly, you can couple these self-awareness exercises with the cultivation of self-love. This article on how to practice self-care will give you some ideas.
***
I’d love for you to share below what you have learned about having a martyr complex, or dealing with people in your life who struggle with one.
Is it possible to have a mild version of this?
I don’t expect return for helping because I heard of a word meaning, ‘give without expectation of return’ and found this so beautiful I wanted to live my life by it, but I always shoehorn myself into the role of helper even if this is extremely inconvenient for me. It is hard sometimes, to let the other person carry the bag. I have to remind myself they want to help as much as I do. (Or even more! It’s impossible to truly know.)
I berate myself for actions that are normal (Eg, not volunteering to help parents do laundry) Where does this stem from? Perhaps guilt. Guilt for existing, guilt for breathing in precious oxygen, feeling like I’m a waste of resources. . It’s strange, because I know I would help even if I experienced no guilt, which confuses matters further. Do I have a martyr complex or not?
Sorry for rambling, I’m confused, and am not sure what questions I’m asking. I think I might have a lack of self-worth, rather than a martyr complex. Would you agree?
It seems like my wife is narcissist and martyr at the same time. It seems like she manipulates me awfully into doing everything instead of her. Recently, I have made a huge effort to break the contact and she lives separately now with our daughter. I felt perfectly fine after that and something happened to me. It seems like my personality healed or maybe I have found my inner wolf. I feel life like never before. Do you think it’s possible to change such destroying patterns of her behavior or it’s just the end?
The Universe’s mycelial network is amazing. The right message when it’s needed the most, right on cue. I love that the LonerWolf collaboration (Luna and Sol) are are so in tune! Thank you, as always.
I admit that I have played this role damn near my entire life. Always doing things for others, with the expectation that it will be appreciated and returned, and that I will be loved for it. I falsely accept blame, I talk bad about myself if someone is upset with me, I demand attention (positive or negative), I am cynical and think “what’s the point in getting excited about anything, when nothing good lasts forever and it all falls to shit eventually.”. I am also very forgetful, and have a hard time remembering things from my childhood… even though I’m fairly certain that nothing particularly bad (or good) ever happened to me. I AM A MESS, and I KNOW it. There is a huge difference between being humble and this… And I have a hard time seeing where that line is. If my boyfriend and I are fighting, it devastates me and everything else in life suffers. He has tried to help me with this, but I am terrified to let him in and so I push him away and try to convince him I’m not worth the trouble. My parents were always working when I was young, and my sister and I were always competing for their attention… That is my main theory of the cause. I think I have a good understanding of my malfunction, but have no idea where I should start. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
there are seven types the martyr is one and the guy who invites you to be one is the other – kill him (not literally – figuratively) and you’ll win join his group and he wins because hes just a type like you
I recognise martyr traits in myself, and in others, since becoming more self aware and taking the time to observe my relationships in the past year or so. Because I’m already currently working on so many things in myself, I feel very impatient towards others who exhibit martyrdom and the related emotional manipulation – to take on a sense of responsibility in letting these other people know how their behaviour affects me seems so overwhelming right now, and almost hypocritical! So I will probably avoid any such conversations for now.
However, I’m also noticing some resistance from my partner as I try to change my martyr role and become more independent – my partner automatically takes on the role of pitying me, even when I don’t feel like I’ve said anything worth pitying (I think he is overprotective actually) – and sometimes I fall in to the pattern of “yes, poor me” because he has triggered me, but more and more I am getting irritated at him for pitying me and not giving me space to be independent, self-empowered, and self-responsible. This article has helped me to recognise I probably need to be more careful with what information I share with my partner until he fully feels the shift in me and can shift in himself in response. I’m not sure what I can say when he starts pitying me though – any ideas?
Being human is so messy and complicated, but it sure is fulfilling doing this work. Thank you so much for your guidance <3
Oh I love your posts and I am very sad that some people from my life who need them don’t know English. I noticed that if they read the information on internet, they take it much better. On the other side, if I was to tell them the same thing, they immediately react defensive and nothing I say goes through. I guess that ego feels threatened by another person, but not by a machine.
PS: 111 comments and time is 3.33. Honestly this is one of the most useful articles I ever read. I love that you also give us advice on how to deal with people who suffer from this syndrome. Mum won’t get away with it this time :)))))))))))))))
Ozana, what great timing. :) And with your mother, it’s generally better to approach the issue indirectly. The more direct you are, the more defensive they will get as it will be an affront to their ego. So it’s best to be compassionate but firm, and take into the advice given in this article. I hope that helps. :)
Hi Aletheia, I recognise the martyr complex in some people I know, but in others I see extreme selfishness and lack of consideration for others needs. I’m wondering what the other end of the spectrum would be if it were a complex? Thanks!
I’d say the opposite of martyrdom is narcissism. Although keep in mind that not everything in life is black and white. Martyrs can be narcissistic, and narcissists can be martyrs. There’s some crazy Dr. Seuss logic for you. :P
Your articles have been of great help to me in my journey to self growth. And this article is one of those that help me through. I am suffering from this Martyr complex all my life. I could say this is what I had always been. But I am currently on my way to breaking free from this suffering as i have come to a deeper understanding of my Soul’ s journey.
Many many thanks to the writer/s of this site. Bless you always.
I’m so glad to hear that Menchie. <3 much love!
As two old cookies, we both seem to be in the Martyr role. As a believer in Saint Francis and coming from parents that reminded me of how tough things were during their lives, I can understand how I have turned out. My wife too has come from an abusive background and she knows well the submissive role is applied and how this can tie one down in relationship with her.
Yet some how , my need to be a good fellow and please her every need (love knows no boundaries) I have until recently been locked into constantly resolving issues with her and giving, and giving more, to my own detriment. The answer for me was to seek the internal via meditation, then apply this to my relations with my wife, letting her know factually what was really happening and how I truly felt . Without again becoming the good fellow victim, locked onto every problem, ailment and past issue and canning myself for not coping better. As fault finding,and judgements, were my ways with criticism made, me look the perfect angel in our world view of things and each other.
Meditation can be a great help and can clear the mind/doors of perception terrifically. Thank you for sharing Mr John. :)
Oh my this article is just what I needed! I have struggled with the Martyr Complex within myself my whole life. I’m currently working on self development and growth and this article has helped me become more self aware of how I’m a martyr and why I’ve attracted certain situations and people in my life. I also just realised that my Dad struggles with the Martyr Complex himself, which is interesting insight. Thank you so much Althea, This article has really helped me with my self growth and awareness and I’ll definitely take on your advice :) xx
Sorry I mean Aletheia*
Thank you, Rachel! I’m so delighted to hear that this article has helped you. :)
Wow. Thank you for this thought-provoking article. I was raised by a martyr, my mother, who learned to be a martyr from her mother.
I know there is likely a lot of the martyr influence in my life, and I have been trying to learn how to cultivate self-esteem to break out of being the martyr. I haven’t yet been successful, though. I’ve been to a lot of therapy, but just haven’t made much progress.
I’m not sure what to try next.
Have you tried anything recommended above, Joy? And what type of counselor did you see? Some styles of therapy aren’t suited to dealing with the martyr complex.
Wow! What a great article! I had my mom and ex in mind during reading and it sadly confirmed that this is what I lived with during my long years with them. Unnecessary fights that strained our relationships. Wish I’d pointed out “its the behavior I’m seeing” instead of thinking it’s THEM. Very confounding to love people who never want to work on themselves even when it’s pushing people away. The crazy thing is that I’m reading this article this morning and not wanting to get out of my cozy bed, so I drifted back to sleep. Then I had a dream about my step-kids (my exes kids) and how I used to think they were a problem and in the dream I treated them badly and then kept repeating to myself that I am a horrible person! Then they morphed into some other kids I used to take care of and I was yelling at them and thinking and saying horrible things about them and myself! It felt like Venom taking over me and then – feeling this horrid reality needed to stop – I FORCED MYSELF AWAKE. The last cry of “I am a horrible person” became distant as I realized I had dreamt the Martyr Syndrome and where it may have shown up in my own life. Then I went back and looked at the Involution and healthy list – and I’m elated to realize HOW MANY HEALTHY ROLES I AM. I am the comic relief, the confidant, the adventurer, the peace maker… at least in my family… and boy have I let them make me feel wrong and insane for being those things. Thank you for allowing me to unpack all this here! I meant to tell you more about me in your survey so here it is! I downloaded the Shadow workbook so I will be working through that. Thank you both so much!
Rasika, good on you! You’re making so much progress. :) I love that your dream helped to awaken you (how magical is that?)
Thank you for this. I am exhibiting signs 3, 4, 5, and 13. I have been told this as well (not very kindly I might add). But you have provided some good strategies I can commit to. Thank you again – your work is fantastic!
Thank you so much Robin <3 I always love reading your comments and experiences around this website. x
I have been searching for this article my whole life. I have always known that I had this issue rooted in me. And finally I found it, and its solutions. Being a Martr has greatly affected the course of my life. I am at a point where I am questioning my dreams and aspirations as I followed a path of someone else, and never really went deep into ivolution to discover what I really ever wanted. Self love and self care died a long time ago because all my money and efforts always go to family, friends and partner. As I speak now, I do not have anything of my own, no clothes, house, general stuff. I never say no to anyone and I end up suffering ALL THE TIME. To who ever wrote this, I read it, and im crying as I write this review, to how true this information is. I now want to begin a journey of self care, self love , standing my ground and being pricipled on my own values. I wish I had someone to talk to on this (martr symptom?) but I will do it and do on my own. I guarantee you, you just saved a life!
Bonolo, I am overjoyed to hear this! I’m so glad this article could help you finally understand what your issues have been – and what to do next. Please do keep us updated on how you’re going.
With love,
Luna
Had no idea this was a thing. Just literally learned the word martyr from a horoscope and I don’t really believe in that stuff, but it’s crazy how accurate this relates to me I feel like. I don’t think my martyr is too serious, if I have any though. This really gave me a new perspective on things. I didn’t know this kind of stuff bugs people, lol. But when I look at it, I’m just looking at myself holding it down for those I care about, you know what I mean? But then in ways I feel other ways too. Is it possible to feel something without being able to explain it, but you know what it is? I may not know how to fix it but I know it’s there. “… tell your friend/s, family members, partner or even colleagues that you are going through a period of self-growth that requires you to experiment. Clear, open communication is the best way to make your path a bit smoother. But don’t expect it to be.” I don’t really want to tell people, but I really want them to know about things, you know? I trip myself out thinking about stuff like that sometimes. Thanks for hearing me out, I guess. I kind of trip a lot. Trip when I should, and don’t when I shouldn’t. But I’ll figure it out.
You write, Sione, ” I don’t really want to tell people, but I really want them to know about things, you know?” You can always communicate passively through actions rather than words if you’re getting more interested in self-growth. Your loved ones will start to get the message.
Well I have to say I have heard comments like “stop being a martyr” but I never knew it was an actual problem. I live with one and it completely drains me everyday where my husband can ignore it so easily. I have grown up seeing it with my grandmother treating my mother. And now my mother doing it to me as she lives with me. Everything I have read fits exactly with what this complex is about. It’s very hard because the martyr bestows so much guilt upon me that I am resentful about it. In fact, nothing I say makes any sense. She is defensive, excessively cries and tries to turn it around and blame me. We all need our own space. I really don’t have the energy to take this on. I’m not a psychologist and can’t see how I can help this situation.
Anonymous, why not plan for a break from her – as in, a holiday of some kind. In that way, you can clear your head and regain your energy. Otherwise, you could always seek counselling/therapy.