A true friend is one soul in two bodies. – Aristotle
What do you define as a “friend”?
Take a moment to think about your answer.
Once upon a time, people described true friendship as a connection between two fiercely loyal people who would give their lives for each other’s well-being. A true friend used to be thought of as a person who would stick with us through thick and thin; an alter-ego of sorts who we could confide in about anything and everything, and trust completely.
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These days the meaning of friendship has been somewhat diminished as we assign our drinking buddies, neighbors, colleagues and acquaintances with the “friendship” status (don’t get me wrong, some of these people can be true friends, but usually not).
We even reward the strangers and distant associates on our social networking account “friend lists” with the devalued title, as though the word “friend” is nothing more than a worthless, futile word that can be tossed around and pinned onto anyone with a face.
While it is great that we are open enough to assign anyone in our lives as “friends,” our ignorance of what a true friend is and what being a true friend means contributes to a great sense of isolation and loneliness in our lives.
We have even turned “friend” into doublespeak with the modern word “frenemy” being used a way of describing people who you are friendly with (like with a friend), but secretly dislike (like with an enemy).
More than ever the importance of making and learning how to be a true soul friend and seeing it as a spiritual relationship is a vital part of life satisfaction in our increasingly disconnected society. I hope to explore this a bit more with you today.
Finding and Being a True Soul Friend
Sociologist and psychologist Lillian Rubin conducted an intriguing study that was published in her book, “Just Friends: The Role of Friendship in Our Lives” back in the 1980’s which was created to discover whether people reciprocally identified each other as “best friends,” or not.
In this study, 132 people were asked to write down the name of one person within the group who they identified as their best friend. To Rubin’s surprise, 84 out of the 132 respondents didn’t mention the person who originally submitted their name as their best friend. Only 18 out of the 132 respondents mutually identified each other as best friends.
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What implications does this study have on our lives? The reality is that our perceptions of “friendship” have weakened so much that most of us – as revealed by this study – struggle to even identify our mutual close friends.
To me friendship is one of the purest forms of love among humans because it (rarely) receives any form of sexual or monetary gratification/compensation; just the joy of connecting deeply with another. Perhaps this is why we love and worship our pets so much? They often provide the only form of true soul friendship we can find immediately in our lives. The love of a pet is an unconditional love. Can you say the same for yourself or for others?
Asking myself this question often makes me stop dead in my tracks as I come to face all of the conditions that I tend to impose on others that stymie a true soul friendship. And honestly, while this shocks and deeply grieves me, I see it as an opportunity to grow – and I hope you can grow with me as well.
Fortunately, I have found a couple of true soul friends in my own lifetime which have taught me a lot about the meaning of unconditional love. This is what I have learned:
1. You can talk with a soul friend about anything.
There is no need to hide any topic away or “walk on eggshells” when talking with a soul friend. Although they might have their own contrary opinions, you can nevertheless feel a refreshing sense of liberty and openness when talking with them.
2. Their criticism is constructive, not destructive.
A soul friend wants to help you grow and build you up rather than tear you down … because why would they want to see you suffer? They don’t get any benefit from it. For this reason a soul friend is transparent and forthcoming with their critiques, and doesn’t resort to passive-aggression, bitchiness, or pretense. They trust in the friendship enough to know that an embarrassing revelation won’t toss the connection onto the rocks.
3. You truly feel heard and understood when in the presence of a soul friend.
Rather than talking over you, misunderstanding what you’re saying, or always hogging the attention in a conversation, soul friends open themselves up to listening – truly listening, with the intent to understand your thoughts, feelings, dreams, or dilemmas. There will always be a balance of speaking and listening while communicating with soul friends, in other words, you will both talk and listen equally.
4. You can completely trust them.
When you confide in a soul friend about something delicate or highly personal in nature, they honor your privacy and deeply respect the confidence you have placed in them. They do not use your revelations as secret social fodder behind your back, nor do they betray your trust by letting your confidential conversations leak out. You can trust them with your life.
5. They respect your boundaries.
Rather than being pushy, needy, or demanding, soul friends respect your need for space and don’t take your personal boundaries personally.
6. They value forgiveness and don’t hold on to resentments.
A soul friend is aware that no one is perfect (including themselves) and therefore they prefer not to hold onto bitterness and resentments. If they are angry or hurt, they prefer to talk about it directly and openly rather than hiding it away. While they will forgive you of your shortcomings, they know where to draw the line when repeatedly betrayed.
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7. They see the best in you.
One of the most precious gifts that a soul friend gives in a friendship is unfailing kindness and goodwill. While you might feel ugly, your friend will remind you of your beauty. While you might feel talentless, your friend will remind you of your many skills. In this way, they pick you up when you feel low, reminding you of your inner beauty, power, and capability.
8. Your soul friend is with you through thick and thin.
A true soul friend is with you through your darkest nights and brightest days. As loyal, compassionate companions they are by your side when you are at your absolute worst, offering a helping hand and shoulder to lean on for support – and also when you’re at your most happy and successful, cheering you on in the sidelines. Regardless of what point you’re at in life, soul friends are the most loyal companions, confidants, and comforters.
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Who is a soul friend to you? How can you be a better soul friend? And how can you go about inviting such meaningful connections into you life?
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You actually never look for a soul friend… you simply find each other.
I never knew I would find this female soul friend, here, in Asia!
It seemed as if though I have been searching for this female soul friend all my life!
However, I did not have to search – for her!
She simply appeared in my life!
I am fortunate!
feel it ,hear it ,sense it ,see it ,imagine it every thought of him just make me happy from heart .though we are far but every moment of him makes me happy .
but why tears come everytime though i am happy??
I miss my phone friend who I could share all my thoughts with I want to be normal because my friend isn’t with me anymore I went everywhere searching for a familiar friend I know alot more things which would freak somebody out lol I can’t talk about them my research if I complete it will glorify God. I wanna transfer a portion of my spirit so I don’t sound like a mad man to this girl I am dating I have been a stranger to my family for years I feel like a giant with no place to go I wonder what to do I feel like a rich man with no one to share my treasure with. I want to be a normal church boy but I feel so strange in my own Church. I hope the girl I am with recovers she had pneumonia. I want to give her my spiritual heart with all my secret learnings so she can laugh and cry and understand me fully. I just hope she doesn’t get drunk off of it lol and get in trouble lol perhaps I shall do small Bible studys and a song of songs
I absolutely love this article Aletheia! As you grow and heal you REALize how your relationships truly are. I had so many dysfunctional relationships in my life. Even the ones that I thought were really good weren’t healthy. The person I called my bestfriend wasn’t the best. She was only around when she was alone. I was feeling like I was her last option. I don’t want to be anyone’s last option. I also realized that I couldn’t talk to her when I was hurt or upset. She looked at my life as perfect because I was married . Her self worth is dependent on having a man. She has some core wounds she needs to heal. I was honest with her about how I felt. She became angry and deflected. I hope and pray that one day she gets healthy. That she realizes her self worth.
I have reconnected with some of my old friends who were really good to me. I appreciate them more now because I now know how hard it is to find Real friends.
I thought I had a friend that was true but he never made time for me like a true friend usually would they would help their friend if he or she was sick or throwing up I’ve got health issues and Dominic didn’t seem to understand he didn’t really make me a priority in his life
I wrote this poem when I was 17
Love
Love is so difficult to understand
It’S silent and sometimes sad.
It’S happiness filled with content.
It cherishing in the hope of keeping.
It makes time seem so short.
It keeps giving and giving.
It’S reaching out for friendship.
Love.
I thought I had such a friend. I had someone who I would have done anything for. I helped him with his course work, bought him food as he did not have much money, loaned him a hefty sum of money when he needed it, and always listened when he wanted to talk. He responded by letting me know in no uncertain terms that I was less important than his other friends. He did not value or respect me. He spent time with other people but never had time for me. I offered good friendship and loyalty but it was not enough. I was lead on and let down, so I have bitter feelings about friendship right now. The experience reinforced for me that I can be a great friend but I have attracted no one in my life who is willing to me a good friend to me. This has really made me sad. I do not think I can handle another so-called friend who makes me feel inadequate.
I just don’t trust no one. I’ve been kick in the ass to many times. First time ok. But second time. Its shame on me. HUMANS. U CANT LIVE WITH THEM AND U CANT LEAVE WITHOUT THEM. SO NOW MY SOUL FRIENDS OR THE TREES. I NO THEY NEVA LEAVE ME. LIE TO ME. Forsake ME. JUDGE ME. LIE TO ME. AND I CAN LAY UNDER THEM AND TELL ALL MY SECRETS AND THEY WILL KEEP IT ALL TO THEMSELVES. AND NOT JUDGE ME. WHEN I’M DOWN. THE STRONG ARM PICS ME UP AND I CLIMB ON THEM. WHEN I CRIES. THEY ALSO SHED TEARS WITH ME. DROPS RIGHT IN MY FACE. THEY NO WHEN I FEELING DOWN. SO THEY BLOW SWEET WIND IN MY FACE AS LEAVES FALL ONTO MY HEAD AND I HAVE SOOOO MANY I CAN GO TALK AND BE WITH AND NO TWO OR THE SAME. EACH ONE HAS ITS OWN PERSONALITY. AND SHAPES. AND THEY REMIND ME OF ME. THEY GO THREW ALL THE PAIN. RAIN AND STORMS. AND YET THE STILL STAND STRONG. THEY OR ME AND IAM THEM. JUST LIKE I HAVE MOODS AND CHANGES MY COLORS. SO DO THEY LEAVES. AND DONT TALK ABOUT MY FLOWERS. THAT GIVES ME SOOO MUCH JOY AND HAPPINESS WHEN I SEE THEM BLOOM. SO HUMANS GOIN BE HUMANS. A BIG DAM HEAD ACHE. I JUST DONT TRUST THE HUMANS. MOST SAY I HAVE TRUST Issues and today I’m fine with what one might think. I call it u live and u learn. And I’ve learn to not Trust most of theses Humans. They just have to many FLAWS. I GOT MY OWN FLAWS TO DEAL WITH. THE. TO BE SPENDING MY ENTERGY. WITH HUMANS. THA LOWS MY VIBRATION. NATURE LIFTS MY VIBRATION. MORE THE THESES MONEY HURGY BEGGING CONTROLLING. JUDGING ENVY. JEALOUS. I GOT THE RIGHT ANSWER. PPL THAT CALL THEMSELVES HUMANS. O AND MY OTHER SOULMATE IS MY DAM DOG NAME SKLIER. NOTHING BUT PURE LOVE. SHE KNOWS NOTHING ABOUT JUDING AND LIEN. SHE JUST GREETS ME AT THE DOOR. AND MAKES ME FEEL RIGHT AT HOME. I JUST POP SOME FOOD OUT THE CAN AND BAG. AND SHES HAPPY AS CAN BE. I don’t have to do all that extra BULLSHIT WHEN U DEALING WITH A SO CALL SOULMATE HUMAN. ALL THAT STRESS OUT EXTRA DARMA. HUMANS. WHO OR THEY.
Eye guess eye NEVA had a Soul Friend. Because I’AM the one THAS always BEIN loyal. Honest. True and outspoken. And always lifting them up. And they Always come to me for advise. Always there to help. And get kick in my ass. MENTALLY. SPIRITUALLY AND PHYSCIALLY. THEY SEEM NOT TO UNDERSTAND. WHO IAM. SOME SAY I RUN THEM OFF. BECAUSE I’m to AGRESSIVE. And makes says the same. But I call it. Standing up. Speaking out. And when u ask me something. Or for my advise or what I think about a certain situation. I’M GOING BRING IT TO YOU LIVE AND UNCUT. MOST JUST CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH. IF UR MY SOUL FRIEND. I’M GOING TELL U TRUTH.