Why Do We Lose Friendships on the Awakening Path? (& What to Do)

One of the most painfully common, yet neglected areas of discussion when it comes to the path of awakening to our deeper Self, is losing all our friends. Winding up alone.

Perhaps you’ve always struggled to make friends, or once upon a time had friendships but have since lost them. 

Maybe you’re an introvert by nature and tend to have one or two friends at a time, or an ambivert who shifts like a chameleon based on the circumstance. Maybe you’re even an extrovert who thrives on social interaction.

Whatever the case, undergoing a spiritual awakening – a call to reconnect with your deeper Self – has a way of both slowly and suddenly destroying the connections you once held dear.

These friendships can either slowly fade through time, like a withering flower in a pot of stagnant water. Or they can suddenly disappear in thin air as if an atomic bomb has gone off in your life.

However you’ve experienced the loss of friends, I want you to know that you’re not alone. You’re not weird. And you’re certainly not crazy.

The question is, why do we lose these connections? How do we find new friends? And if we can’t find suitable connections, what do we do with ourselves? 

Why Do We Lose Friendships on the Path of Awakening?

There are a number of reasons why we may wind up alone at some point in our lives:

• We’ve actively distanced ourselves from our previous relationships because they feel unhealthy, empty, or no longer fit our needs.
• Our friends don’t understand what we’re going through and can’t relate to the “new version” of ourselves – they can only connect to the role they were used to us playing. As a result, they phase themselves out of our lives.
• There’s a lack of understanding and shared values on both sides: we can no longer relate to them, and they can no longer relate to us.

On a more meaningful level, losing friendships:

• Helps us to “start over” by releasing old identities, values, and aspects of the ego that we’ve outgrown
• Clears a space in our lives to go inwards, reflect, and discover who we truly are at a deeper level beyond surface masks 
• Creates more opportunities for the healing and illuminating power of solitude

Losing friendships on the path of awakening is an extremely common and painful experience.

I used to have lots of friends growing up, even as a shy child. But once I started going through my dark night of the soul and spiritual awakening at the age of 19, I wound up alone.

I began actively distancing myself from old friendships because they just didn’t make sense to me anymore. They felt hollow and actually made me feel more lonely than not having them.

So what I decided to do was to let them go. I have made few friendships since (I’ve tried, but they didn’t go as planned) and a few private online friendships. But overall, I don’t have the degree of friendship connectedness I once had. Eventually, I’d like to when the time is right in life.

As you get older, it’s harder in some ways to make friends. Busy schedules, responsibilities, mouths to feed … add the “I’m introspecting in my cocoon so I can look into the deeper layers of my soul and find the truth of reality” into that mix, and it can become really hard to find kindred souls.

How to Find Friends – and If You Can’t, What to Do Instead

We know that if we embrace our ideals, we must prove worthy of them. And that scares the hell out of us. What will become of us? We will lose our friends and family, who will no longer recognize us. We will wind up alone, in the cold void of starry space, with nothing and no one to hold on to. Of course this is exactly what happens. But there’s the trick. We wind up in space, but not alone. Instead we are tapped into an unquenchable, undepletable, inexhaustible source of wisdom, consciousness, companionship. Yeah, we lose friends. But we find friends too, in places we never thought to look. And they’re better friends, truer friends. And we’re better and truer to them. – Steven Pressfield, The War of Art

Here’s a weird thing about me. I might write a lot about spiritual topics, but I don’t actually like spending time around overtly spiritual people – the stereotypical love-and-light kind, anyway. Why?

A “spiritual person” role is still a role, one that is more elaborate and in many ways more self-righteous and detached (in many but not all circumstances) than the everyday person’s identity. 

In other words, it’s harder to relate to and feel truly connected with the spiritual people that I’ve come across in person (and online). I don’t know if it’s different for you and where you live, but for me, the most off-putting places are yoga classes, meditation groups, and spiritual centers. 

I don’t feel like I can be myself in these spaces or around these types of people (too much toxic positivity, new age babble, cultish behavior, and so on). So I don’t go anymore.

I find that I enjoy the company of more down-to-earth people; those who are curious, autodidactic (self-learners), creative, and quirky. These are the people I vibe with the most. 

I’ve always connected best with eccentric people – the outsiders and ones that don’t fit in well. The square pegs in round holes. The “outcasts.”

Here are a few questions to help you find friends after you’ve lost them on the awakening path:

• Identities and roles aside, who am I deep down? What type of person do I genuinely feel comfortable around?
• Where can I find that type of person in person (or online)?
• How can I show up regularly in that space, same place, same time, each week, to build a bond? 

Consistency and familiarity are the keys to establishing new friendships. The last question is important because if you can show up in the same place, at the same time, in a place with the right people, you’ll inevitably make new friends. 

Incidentally, that’s why religion works so well (not that I’m necessarily promoting it) – it’s great at connecting people through an accepted ritual of showing up at the same place, same time, every week. 

The final question to ask is: What are my values? Does this person share them? If you don’t share the same core values (for instance, creativity, compassion, faith, or loyalty), your friendship won’t be that deep.

If you’re fine with surface-level friendships, that’s fine. There are different friendships for different circumstances. There are friends of convenience, casual friends, close friends, best friends, and many other types.

But if you’re like me, you enjoy deeper connections, which is why knowing your core values is important. One great way of discovering these is by asking yourself, “What is most important to me in life? What couldn’t I live without?”

When You Can’t Find Friends (What to Do)

Sometimes you’re in a place in life where it’s hard to make friends in person.

Maybe you have no space, energy, or time after your busy work week. Perhaps there are too many responsibilities on your plate, like being a live-in carer to a parent, partner, or child with a disability.

Maybe geographically you live in a very isolated place (like where I live) or in a city or country with people who don’t share the same interests or values as you (as in the case of a free spirit living in a highly religious or conservative country).

Maybe you’re still highly traumatized and your nervous system doesn’t allow you to relax around others, or you’re still sensitive and tender after going through an existential crisis or dark night.

Whatever the case, sometimes the cards aren’t in our favor. Sometimes life asks that you seek friendship in alternative ways.

In this situation, I take comfort from what Anne Frank writes in The Diary of a Young Girl,

The best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely or unhappy is to go outside, somewhere where they can be quite alone with the heavens, nature and God … As long as this exists, and it certainly always will, I know that then there will always be comfort for every sorrow, whatever the circumstances may be. And I firmly believe that nature brings solace in all troubles.

Other than taking solace in nature, animals, and your connection to the Divine, there is always the online world.

There are many communities out there and spaces to directly connect with others in an ongoing way. I like to think we have a cool micro community here that gradually shows up in the comments. :)

Amid all of this, learning to be your own best friend through the power of self-love and inner work in general will help you to be a good friend when the time comes to befriend another.

***

Losing all your friends can feel like a tragedy, something shameful, painful, or depressing. 

But it can also be a gift in that it offers you the chance to start over, begin anew, and find people who do resonate with you on a deeper level.

Tell me, what has your experience been with losing friends on the awakening path? What has helped you find connection again? Comment below. You never know who you may help!