It’s an issue most of us experience throughout life: estranged partners, snarky bosses, bored co-workers, aloof family members and back-stabbing friends.
Our desire for love, attention, approval, and acceptance from others seems to be embedded into the very fiber of what it means to be human. And yet more and more of us are starting to realize that waiting around for our entire lives grovelling at the feet of others isn’t time well spent.
Welcome: the self-love movement. Even the very thought of “self-love” send shivers down our spines because it is so foreign to us, and yet it makes so much SENSE on a visceral level. And yet despite how appealing learning how to love yourself more is, it seems like a Herculean task in the face of the lives we have built for ourselves.
For example, how can you learn how to love yourself more when people label you as being selfish and neglectful? How can you learn how to love yourself more when your environment is positively toxic and depressing? How can you learn how to love yourself more when you have no positive role models? How, how, how?
In One Paragraph: What is Self-Love?
In short, self-love is complete forgiveness, acceptance and respect for who you are deep down – all your beautiful and hideous parts included. When you love yourself you take care of yourself, you honor your limitations, you listen to your needs and you respect your dreams enough to act on them. When you love yourself, your happiness, health and fulfillment are all of paramount importance because you realize that without loving yourself, you will never be able to genuinely love others.
How to Love Yourself More in an Age of Naysayers
On an unconscious level most of us hear the same things in society. These subliminal messages sound something like this:
- You have to make people like and accept you – just like us.
- You have to put others’ needs above your own all the time with no exception – just like us.
- You have to conform to the status quo and fit in – just like us.
And surprisingly:
- You have to be unhappy and discontent – just like us.
This last one is strange, isn’t it? But the reality is that most people don’t truly like being happy: instead they prefer comfort, stability, security and control. This child-like mindset is precisely what makes (most) people so hesitant to support your self-love journey because it directly contradicts what they have invested so much of their effort into: comfort and mediocrity.
The truth is that when you start practicing self-love, you become a social heretic. You stick out. You stop fitting in. You cease being one of those misery-loves-company pack members who thrive on self-pity and cynicism. And suddenly this puts you in a very uncomfortable position, a position where you have to choose between taking the narrow path, or the wide, easy path.
Some of us give up. Others of us persist, but end up withering under the weight of social pressure. But then some of us continue on that lonely path, being comforted by a few on the way, but otherwise battling against the constant onslaught of “you’re not good enough,” “you should be like us,” “you aren’t worth it,” “you’re so selfish.”
Loving yourself, TRULY and UNCONDITIONALLY loving yourself in this era, is a breathtaking accomplishment. It is a rare achievement that many claim to have developed, but few have actually achieved. Here are a few tips you can take away from this article that I have personally learned on the-path-less-taken:
1. Learn to be discerning and say “NO, that’s not true.”
You will hear a lot of things on your path; some consciously and some unconsciously. You will be told that your body isn’t slim enough, your face isn’t pretty enough, your personality isn’t charming enough, making mistakes is unacceptable, taking care of your needs is selfish … yadda, yadda, yadda. Not all of these untrue and unhealthy perceptions will be immediately obvious. Some of them will creep into your mind and belief system, polluting your self-perception. In fact, many of these toxic perceptions probably have already.
Not many people talk about discernment when it comes to learning how to love yourself more. “Discernment” is largely a dull-sounding word, but it is SO important. For instance, how can you tell truth from lies without learning how to be discerning?
To learn how to be discerning you need to question everything. Yes, this can be tiring, but it is worth every ounce of your effort. Why? Because being discerning will help you to sort through a lot of mental rubbish, antiquated beliefs and harmful ideals. Learning to say “NO, that’s not true” helps you to discover what the truth actually is. And the truth is always grounded in unconditional love.
2. Realize that other people are scared and in pain.
How can a person who only knows conditional love give you unconditional love? That’s like expecting a baby to climb a mountain. It doesn’t happen, and it can’t happen. Therefore, what is the point of mourning the impossible? What is the point of getting wound up and unhappy over the people in your life who not only don’t support you, but also speak against you? Their very actions speak of the abject lack of true love they have experienced. Isn’t that so very sad?
Most people not only don’t possess unconditional love, but they’re also caught up in an Underworld of fear and pain. This fear and pain is sourced from the illusion that they are separate from life – that they are humans having a life experience, rather than Life having a human experience.
Once you realize that people are scared and in pain, it takes out the sting from their disapproving stares and mistreatment of you. Once this realization hits you, you stop reacting to their negativity and start feeling compassion for them – and it is this precise compassion that befuddles them and sometimes is enough to motivate them to try the same path.
[Read: Why are People Abusive, Unkind and Malicious?]
The Spiritual Awakening Process eBook:
Discover profound insights and practices that will help you to access deep levels of love and freedom. Explore soul retrieval, shadow work, and more. Start your Spiritual Awakening journey now!
3. Realize that how other people treat you is a reflection of how they treat themselves.
It hurts to be the only one in your social circle trying to take responsibility for your life. It hurts to be rejected by your friends, family, or both because you are taking a different path. Learning how to love yourself more undeniably HURTS BADLY sometimes, and other times it feels blissful and wondrous. But if there is any lesson you can take away from the way people treat you, it is this: their actions often mirrors how they treat themselves.
Do you think that a person who mistreats you thinks they are superior to you? That is illogical commonplace reasoning. More often than not the answer is “No.” They mistreat you because they are threatened by you in some way, shape, or form. Unless they are clinical narcissists or psychopaths, most people are deeply insecure and fearful. The more you go against the grain, the more threatening you become to them. Understand this, and your path becomes much clearer.
So …
What is your experience with self-love? I don’t know about you, but I’m inspired, challenged and comforted each time you drop by and leave a comment, so I’d love to hear your story below.
Very relevant for me now. Standing in my power, newly and feeling like I am wrong about it! Aletheia your comment about the person feeling insecure bc I am going against the grain helped me so much. I was falling for a man who is such a charmer, but I saw him for all he is, and protected myself. As sad as I am, I did the right thing… and he cannot get over it; he’s being such a b*t#h about it! That makes me sad too, but so be it. Gotta put me first! Thank you so much!! Love your articles…
OMG- THANK You ever so much! Constantly we are being bombarded w/messages regarding “self-acceptance”– inevitably followed by some pap about how Others will be DRAWN To us due to our (what, exactly? “Inhibitions”-??) Well, I’ve been confused throughout my entire adult life about what the heck was going wrong- particularly in group situations (I’m “young-ish”). I’d also noticed how self-deprecating women will be sometimes, but really I never learned how to bond over insecurities; my own imperfections are simply facts, not personal failings. What has truly been devastating, however: I liked myself at a heavier weight; but whenever someone close w/me realized this: GONE. It was like rejecting something So intimate and vulnerable which made me happy. That’s the worst thing right now for some reason, but it really has been Hilarious at times, the lengths to which people have gone to make sure I end up being a total pariah. I thought this dynamic was Entirely unique to me, as I don’t wish harm on anyone- it is Such a relief to FINALLY understand that I am not alone. (Anymore!)
Thank you for this article and your wonderful site. So many thoughts this awakes. I am only starting to see exactly how important it is to love yourself and how hard it is to do, when you´ve learned most of your life to mostly do the opposite, from society, family etc… lately I have sometimes had moments of real compassion towards myself, and it feels like a revolution.
I´m wondering about selfishness… I understand that when you start taking care of yourself, all the people around you are not going to like it. I think I´ve been giving most of my energy away to make other people feel good (suffering form CFS now and am an empath quite surely) and don´t really know how to protect my energy. On the other hand, I can be truly selfish in a cold way sometimes. I know it´s some kind of protective mechanism. All my partners have told me that I´m selfish, so probably I partly am, but it hurts because deep down I know it´s not the real me and I really want to help everybody and I feel so much compassion for them.
Sometimes I find it really, really hard to know, if I´m making a decision out of self-love or out of this kind of selfish protecting-armour, which only makes me alone and isolated. I don´t want to be cold and isolated, but I don´t want to loose myself in other people´s energies either. Can you help me with this?
I am exactly the same way. I just learned it is called an INFJ or empath “door slam”. I have just started to care about me and it hurts so much when people get mad at me if I do or say one good thing for or about myself… I finally am getting a little self esteem. The people I have always been so loyal to, and I always go out of my way to try to cheer them up or make them “happy”… Literally want to see me unhappy. It’s painful to realize they don’t love me like I love them. I have done so many things for other people that I wouldn’t even do for myself my whole life. Now that I put a tiny fraction of my energy and love on ME, they are all starting to disappear. But it doesn’t even matter because I realize that Im not really missing out on much, because it was a ONE-WAY relationship anyway. The only thing to grieve it the loss of the person I thought they were. As empaths, we have a tendency to project our good qualities on others. We think, they are good people, and they didn’t mean to hurt us. Well sometimes it hurts to face the fact that people are not all good…
But then it can lead to an awareness and you will spot these types of people so easily, and you will be able to love yourself enough to only let people into your life who want to see you happy, and see you doing well.
This article makes me calm to read and understand more about my true-self that i have been so wrong for all this time. Thanks so much for this, it reveals more things that should’ve been known by most societies. So much insight and lessons to try out in real life. Love it! keep it up.
I’ve struggled with self-love for quite some time as most people, trying unsuccessfully because I didn’t respected a lot of my self boundaries and the like, conforming with “trying” and hoping that one day I could get it right, instead of really “getting the bull of the horns” and putting myself into it. As an (unknowing by then) empath I came across with a lot of narcissist people (including my mom) but the one that really made a blowing difference for me was a borderline guy that I met on the net. Things happened in such a way that he made me think of him as my twin flame and I wouldn’t have believed that if it wasn’t for a lot of sinchronicities and things that meant a lot to me.. even to this day.. as I haven’t met him on real life I can’t be completely sure but as much as it costed me to realize that I’m better staying away and on my own, that’s how I ended up in here with you guys and I’m very glad that I did as you have and continue to helpe me to pick up my pieces and inspire me to make of my life something a lot better and worth living for with knowledge and insights about life that deep inside I always wanted to know. I thank you both from the bottom of my heart and ask you to please keep up the terrific work!!
Love and light hugs
Dana
Thank you so much for this article! Every word sounds familiar in a way that was needed badly. Just knowing there are others like me might just be enough to get me through wat seems like an impossible journey. It is clearly written by people (a person) I would get along with instantly! Reading this article made me love myself just a little more. What i like most is that there’s no hate or blame towards other people involved. This is the first time I visited this webpage, but I’m sure I’ll be visiting it a lot.
Yes! All of what you say I have been on my own path of the same realizations and actions…thanks for validating and clarifying and supporting!!! See, all you need is a positive article sometimes, to help you continue on your path even when you don’t have anybody supporting your self love :) At this point I have accepted my journey of self love as being difficult for my family to comprehend, but they don’t have much choice but to adapt even if they don’t fully understand. I’ve accepted that they are not people that I should keep close to me, as narcissism is in the family, and I would like to heal my own narcissism and my childhood trauma. Love and light! :)
“For example, how can you learn how to love yourself more when people label you as being selfish and neglectful?”
– First step: actually consider the idea that you’re being selfish and neglectful, and if you are, work on yourself. You’ll love yourself better when you know you’ve recognized your flaws and worked on them rather than ignoring the possibility of flaw in the first place. Notice I said you’ll love yourself better, I didn’t say you’ll love yourself more. It’s a matter of quality, not of quantity. Excess of self love is what got you to be selfish in the first place. Question everything you read. This site isn’t an exception. Neither is my comment.
“Learning to say “NO, that’s not true” helps you to discover what the truth actually is”.
– Wtf? Blindly denying something doesn’t create truth, it just generates opposite belief.
“How can a person who only knows conditional love give you unconditional love?”
– Ask this question to yourself. Do you expect unconditional love from someone? If so, is that a condition for giving your own unconditional love? Can you see the paradox? Good. ‘Cause unconditional love is a silly concept and doesn’t exist.
“Do you think that a person who mistreats you thinks they are superior to you?”
– Well is the person actually mistreating you or are you just fearful and insecure? And are those insecurities founded on actual things you need to work on or just lack of self perception? How do you find that out? Through the perception of other people. Maybe people who are experts in the area you wish to evaluate and have no interest in making good or bad comments. Yes that will exclude your friends and kind strangers. “Nemo iudex in causa sua” – you’re not the judge of your own case.
Question everything and question yourself. Admit that you’re wrong when you’re wrong but admiting is not enough as it only works for yourself. It has no impact on others. It is in your own interest to make the world a better place since you live in it and will benefit from it, immediately and in the long run. In order to have a good impact in yourself and others you need to act good and not just think good. Improve yourself. Everyone will win.
“He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby becomes a monster.”
– Nietzsche
I think for us, the biggest challenge has been shifting our perspective. We’ve both struggled with body issues in the past, but have come to learn to appreciate our bodies for what we’re capable of doing (rather than how we look). That’s actually the message behind our fitness blog, and why we started blogging in the first place – to teach more people how to appreciate themselves and love themselves. Thank you for what you’re doing!
Learning the concept of self-compassion right now
There are so many articles like this. I read them all the time. But they never say how to get there. They are always written by someone who has been through the journey, saying “you need to think this way and reject that way”. But I don’t understand how to do that. I can’t just change my mind. I can attempt to reject a thought but when it’s so entrenched in my way of being, this is a superficial action like putting a band aid over a deep infected wound. I’m really trying but I’m lost.
Thank you for a wonderful well written that was written just for me to read and hear, when I am used to being rejected often, but I have been told to remember I am different to make a difference in the world by being a beacon of light that attracts many people from all walks of life.
Awesome article. I live in a household where my parents constantly chastise and reprimand my brother and I for trying to live our own ways and not going with the status quo or living how they expect us to. I’m beginning to realize how miserable they are,and I believe they unconsciously like being miserable themselves and spreading their misery around too. Your article hits it right on the head how expecting unconditional love from someone who can’t even love themselves is impossible,and really makes me sad how many people live and die believing it is.
Thanks Lupe. It is unfortunate, but the very realization is enough to end resentment and birth compassion.
Good article, Aletheia! You and Sol are just two of a growing number of aware and becoming aware people getting messages like this out there that people need!
You and Teal Swan ought to get together sometime ^^. Teal has this simply analogy of a cup. If your “cup” of love is empty, or nearly that, how much are you going to have to give to others? Teal’s new book Shadows Before Dawn is about self-love. It has helped me out a lot :)
Luna and Teal — that would make a strange combination, haha
I feel great each time I read your articles. Keep it up Luna/Sol. A feeling that can’t be expressed in words. That’s what I feel. Probably, I’m in that path right now.
You can tell that you’re on the right path when you no longer have to think or analyse, you just *know*. This is wonderful to hear Sammy, thank you for reading!
Lovely article, your articles always make me smile, brighten up my day and reassure me that I’m on the right path. That being said, my journey to self-love has been awesome, but it’s very challenging. I feel so fragile to all the judgmental and negative energy, especially from my friends and my Mom. She tells me I wear my hair wrong, I’m too thin, I’m disrespect and selfish… It hurts and it upsets me. But I happen to follow the advice you mentioned and say things like, “That’s not true” or “I don’t agree, I think I’m fine the way I am.” I like to think that this path is like being a warrior and you are going to have to battle every day to stay strong and true to yourself, but it’s worth it!
Thanks again, and much peace and love to everyone on their journey!!
It’s not always necessary to say to others “that’s not true” or “no” but in some contexts it is useful. Generally, it is better to develop this into a silent mental habit that eventually becomes unconscious. I hope that tip helps!
I am finding it easier, as an evolving empath, to deal with most ppl on a subconscious level first. I’m silent for the first few seconds & use my mind to connect with theirs & ask to only deal with their higher self. It doesn’t always work,
but it often does. If it doesn’t work the first time or when I start to feel I’m dealing with less than their higher self I mentally ask again to deal with only HS. I have, on occasion, had someone launch a mental attack because they were so protective of their HS. but, that doesn’t often happen, (IMHO) as few ppl, at this point in time, realize they have a HS. Love you Guys. You’ll never know how much you have helped me on my path to awakening, Keep doing what you’re doing.
A weeping heart finally realising that love has to come from within, to end the pain of love foolishly awaited.
So incredibly well timed and received with gratitude, Aletheia
Thank you Veldmuis <3
Thanks for a great article. My first hurdle on the path to self love was to let go of the brainwashing that to love your self was to be vain.
Oh, Luna. You don’t know how helpful this article is in my self-love journey X) Great advice!
I’ve been through a lot of things since i started to love myself more. to appreciate myself more and the struggle was not easy. The pain when i try to embrace my hideous side and till now sometimes i still strive. You see how unstable i am in self-love and i am working on it.
But when i reached that self-love state, i f***ing love it! That kind of feeling, when i don’t need another human to make me feel happy/tranquil and make my friends think i am a lil bit “crazy” for not socializing for awhile lol
p.s. even though this article is for everyone, but somehow i feel like this article is made for me lol
“p.s. even though this article is for everyone, but somehow i feel like this article is made for me lol” — when I receive a comment like this, I know my work has been done, :D
Haha. You really did a wonderful job and thank you for that :)
How can a person have self love when constantly being rejected?
By releasing that self-respect is not, and can never be, dependent on what other people think, say or behave towards you. Believe it or not, you can love yourself despite how other people treat you. Yes, it is mighty hard at first, but the process is worth it completely.