Learning how to love yourself can be pretty f*cking hard.
I’m going to be realistic here.
While many articles, books, speakers, and teachers paint an ethereal glow around self-love … that only occurs AFTER you have gone through the down-and-dirty inner work and soul-searching.
For example:
- How can you learn how to love yourself more when your mind is literally at war with itself?
- How can you learn to love yourself when you hate what you see in the mirror?
- How can you learn how to love yourself when your environment is positively toxic and depressing?
- How can you learn how to love yourself when you have no positive role models?
- How can you learn how to love yourself more when people label you as being selfish and neglectful?
How, how, how?
While I don’t profess to know all the answers, I have been on this bandwagon for years. I’ve experimented a-hell-of-a-lot with myself, worked through a lot of my own trauma, and helped others do the same – with some delightful and surprising results.
Although this article won’t directly answer all the questions above, I have provided the tools, techniques, teachings, and resources you will need to make the big changes – all tried and tested by yours truly.
So from my heart to yours, I sincerely hope this article helps to catalyze deep and nourishing changes in your life.
Table of Contents
- What is Self-Love?
- 18 Profound Benefits of Self-Love
- Why is it So Damn Hard For Us to Love Ourselves?
- Is Self-Love Selfish?
- What Science Says About Self-Love
- The Dark Side of Self-Love
- How to Prevent Others From Dragging You Down
- Is it Possible to “Love Yourself Unconditionally”?
- How to Love Yourself More
- Learn to be discerning and say “NO, that’s not true”
- Be your own best friend
- Change the way you perceive your flaws
- Practice loving all that arises
- Learn the art of self-care
- Be your own advocate and stand up for yourself
- Explore the core beliefs that keep you small
What is Self-Love?
In short, self-love is the forgiveness, acceptance, and respect for who you are deep down – all your beautiful and hideous parts included. When you love yourself, you take care of yourself, you honor your limitations, you listen to your needs and you respect your dreams enough to act on them. When you love yourself, your happiness, health, and fulfillment are all of supreme importance because you realize that without loving yourself, you will never be able to genuinely love others.
18 Profound Benefits of Self-Love
Self-love illuminates, improves, and deepens every aspect of life. Here are some of the MANY benefits of learning how to love yourself more:
- More tolerance of your flaws and weaknesses
- More self-confidence
- More self-forgiveness
- Healthier mindset (and less self-sabotaging thoughts)
- Improved ability to discover and fulfill your personal destiny
- Increased love, acceptance, and compassion for yourself
- Increased love, acceptance, and compassion for others
- Improved relationships
- Improved friendships
- Improved work life
- More authentic connections with people
- Enhanced joy and gratitude for life
- Increased playfulness, creativity, and spontaneity
- More self-trust
- Healthier and wiser choices
- Increased access to new opportunities
- Improved mental health (and less anxiety + depression)
- Deeper access to one’s soul and spiritual path
I could probably go on for another few pages. But these are the most immediate benefits that come to mind.
Why is it So Damn Hard For Us to Love Ourselves?
The short answer is that we were raised in a society (and likely a family) that didn’t teach us about self-love.
All throughout our early lives, we were taught how to read, write, calculate, build, theorize, study and analyze life. We were taught how to say “please” and “thank you,” as well as what was acceptable and unacceptable to others and society at large … but most of us failed to be educated in one essential dimension of life: self-love.
Something that continues to shock me about my own upbringing was the distinct lack of emphasis on respect for oneself and acceptance of one’s flaws and virtues alike. As a child I can’t ever recall being taught the value of loving oneself; of setting healthy boundaries, knowing how to say “no” and “yes” when you mean it, and learning how to take care of yourself, even at the expense of others.
If you were raised in a culture and society similar to my own, you were probably taught to “put others before yourself” and not give much consideration to your own needs. Self-denial and self-sacrifice were two of the main values taught in our childhoods, and continue to be emphasized as the markers of a “kind, caring and worthy human being” to this very day.
Unfortunately, as I learned later in life, these two values taught me nothing more than the profound emotional and psychological pain of being a self-imposed martyr with no real understanding of how to take care of myself – or others for that matter.
The result of not being taught the value of self-love in childhood and adopting the socially acceptable guise of being a martyr is depression, bitterness, anxiety, resentment, and profoundly flimsy self-esteem.
However, even though you may not have been taught how to love yourself growing up, the door of opportunity is still open to you.
But before we walk through that door, let’s explore one massive myth associated with self-love (and perpetuated by the same society that taught you to be an externally-focused martyr) …
Is Self-Love Selfish?
Every now and then you may hear explicitly stated or implied that self-love is selfish. Perhaps you live in a family that condemns any form of self-care and celebrates toxic self-sacrifice and martyrdom. Or maybe you work in an environment where self-love is scoffed at or seen cynically.
Whatever the case, it’s important to nip this massive misconception in the bud.
Self-love isn’t selfish. Why? Because without taking care of yourself, you are incapable of truly taking care of others. Self-love actually benefits other people, not just yourself. When you are able to genuinely love and accept yourself, you are able to love and accept others much more fully.
To use an analogy, how can an empty cup be used to quench the thirst of another? It is impossible. Likewise, it is impossible for us to give love if we haven’t first filled ourselves. Simple.
It is a well-known psychological fact that mistreatment of yourself results in the mistreatment of others. As professor of educational psychology Kristin Neff writes:
Self-compassion involves treating yourself with the same kindness, concern, and support you’d show to a good friend. When faced with difficult life struggles, or confronting personal mistakes, failures, and inadequacies, self-compassion responds with kindness rather than harsh self-judgment, recognizing that imperfection is part of the shared human experience.
Neff talks more about self-compassion (or self-love) in this video.
So the next time you start feeling guilty for dedicating time to yourself or caring for your own needs, remind yourself that by practicing self-love you are actually strengthening your ability to love others.
What Science Says About Self-Love
Numerous studies have shown that learning how to love ourselves is beneficial.
Here are some examples of findings that have been discovered:
- Self-acceptance is the key to living a happier life (source)
- Self-compassion results in making better health decisions (source)
- Being kind to yourself results in less anxiety and depression (source)
- Self-compassion reduces the stress that leads to procrastination (source)
- Self-care can help you reach your goals (source)
- Self-love can support you through adversity (source)
Contrary to popular belief, learning how to love yourself isn’t new age woo woo – it is actually one of the smartest decisions you can make in your life.
The Dark Side of Self-Love
Yes, learning how to love yourself more might feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
But it’s not always sunshine and roses.
The truth is that most people will not want to support you. Not only that, but society at large will continue to bombard you with toxic subliminal messages, such as:
- You have to make people like and accept you.
- You have to put others’ needs above your own all the time with no exception.
- You have to conform to the status quo and fit in.
And when it comes to those around you:
4. You have to be unhappy and discontent – just like us.
The reality is that most people don’t like being truly happy: instead, they prefer comfort, stability, security, and control. Why? Because safety and predictability is the most comfortable way to live according to sociocultural standards.
Unfortunately, the childlike mindset of needing to seek safety is precisely what makes (most) people so hesitant to support your self-love journey. When you walk the path less traveled, you directly contradict what others have invested so much of their effort into – comfort and mediocrity. Inevitably, you become a threat. By challenging people to reconsider their choices, actions, and mindsets through your behavior, you unintentionally trigger self-doubt in others. And very few people are brave enough to honestly look at themselves and change.
The truth is that when you start practicing self-love, you become a social heretic. You stick out. You stop fitting in. You cease being one of those misery-loves-company sheeple who thrive on self-pity and cynicism. And suddenly this puts you in a very uncomfortable position, a position where you have to choose between taking the narrow path, or the wide, easy path.
Some of us give up. Others of us persist, but end up withering under the weight of social pressure. But then, some of us continue on that lonely path, being comforted by a few on the way, but otherwise battling against the constant onslaught of “you’re not good enough,” “you should be like us,” “you aren’t worth it,” “you’re so selfish.”
Loving yourself, TRULY and UNCONDITIONALLY loving yourself in this era, is a breathtaking accomplishment. It is an exceptionally rare practice that many people talk about, but few genuinely know how to walk the talk.
How to Prevent Others From Dragging You Down
As we’ve just explored, you will inevitably be faced with people who disagree, disapprove or outright challenge your desire to make self-love a way of life. Here is how to see the bigger picture and prevent them from bringing you down:
1. Realize that other people are scared and in pain
One big part of learning how to love yourself more is learning not to take so personally other people’s treatment of you.
Ask yourself, how can a person who only knows conditional love give you unconditional love? That’s like expecting a baby to climb a mountain. It doesn’t happen, and it can’t happen. Therefore, what is the point of mourning the impossible? What is the point of getting wound up and unhappy over the people in your life who not only don’t support you but also speak against you? Their very actions speak of the abject lack of true love they have experienced. Isn’t that so very sad?
Most people not only don’t possess unconditional love, but they’re also caught up in an Underworld of fear and pain. This fear and pain are both sourced from the illusion that they are separate from life – that they are humans having a life experience, rather than Life having a human experience.
Once you realize that people are scared and in pain, it takes out the sting from their disapproving stares and mistreatment of you – and it frees up the energy to provide yourself with more self-love. Once this realization hits you, you stop reacting to their negativity and start feeling compassion for them – and it is this precise compassion that befuddles them and sometimes is enough to motivate them to try the same path.
[Read: Why are People Abusive, Unkind and Malicious?]
2. Realize that how other people treat you is a reflection of how they treat themselves
It hurts to be the only one in your social circle trying to take responsibility for your life. It hurts to be rejected by your friends, family, or both because you are taking a different path. Learning how to love yourself more undeniably HURTS BADLY sometimes, and other times it feels blissful and wondrous. But if there is any lesson you can take away from the way people treat you, it is this: their actions often mirrors how they treat themselves.
Do you think that a person who mistreats you thinks they are superior to you? More often than not the answer is a big fat “NO.” They mistreat you because they are threatened by you in some way, shape, or form. Unless they are clinical narcissists or psychopaths, most people are deeply insecure and fearful. The more you go against the grain, the more threatening you become to them. Understand this, and your ability to practice self-love will become much easier and clearer.
Is it Possible to “Love Yourself Unconditionally”?
Unless you have reached a high level of spiritual maturity and Oneness, unconditional self-love is not something that comes naturally. Instead, you must work for it.
As spiritual beings having a human experience, our lives are characterized by highs, lows, and plateaus. In some periods of our lives, we’ll celebrate who we are and feel confident in our abilities. In other periods, we will feel insecure, ugly, fat, messy, unlovable, and altogether shitty. This is all NORMAL. In fact, you might go through this cycle within one week or even a day!
The important thing here is to embed self-love deeply into your spiritual practice. Then, when the time comes and you’re challenged, you’ll be able to practice mindfulness and awareness. Instead of getting swept up in self-loathing, you’ll be capable of practicing self-compassion. Instead of neglecting your body, you’ll know when to practice self-care. Do you get the picture?
Yes, you might experience mystical moments of complete self-love and acceptance – but these are fleeting moments that don’t last. To make self-love and acceptance more of a consistent experience, you have to practice it consciously every.single.day. No excuses!
So the message here is this:
Don’t be upset if you alternate between self-love and self-hatred. It’s normal to go through ups and downs. But the more you practice embracing yourself each and every day, the more you’ll be able to deal with what life throws at you.
Relax.
Give yourself a break.
Remember that “attaining” self-love can be just another thing you use to beat yourself up and feel like a failure.
So slow down. Go easy on yourself. And as author Matt Kahn writes, “Whatever arises, love that.” This means you can practice accepting and forgiving all things that arise in you, including insecurity, shame, guilt, and self-judgment.
We’ll explore more how to do this later.
How to Love Yourself More (7 Practices)
Here are a few tips you can take away from this article that I have personally learned on the-path-less-taken:
1. Learn to be discerning and say “NO, that’s not true”
You will hear a lot of things on your path; some consciously and some unconsciously. You will be told that your body isn’t slim enough, your face isn’t pretty enough, your personality isn’t charming enough, making mistakes is unacceptable, taking care of your needs is selfish … yadda, yadda, yadda. Not all of these untrue and unhealthy perceptions will be immediately obvious. Some of them will creep into your mind and belief system, polluting your self-perception. In fact, many of these toxic perceptions probably have already.
Not many people talk about discernment when it comes to learning how to love yourself more. “Discernment” is largely a dull-sounding word, but it is SO important. For instance, how can you tell truth from lies without learning how to be discerning?
To learn how to be discerning you need to question everything. Yes, this can be tiring, but it is worth every ounce of your effort. Why? Because being discerning will help you to sort through a lot of mental rubbish, antiquated beliefs, and harmful ideals. Learning to say “NO, that’s not true” helps you to discover what the truth actually is. And the truth is always grounded in love (but again, you will have to discover this for yourself).
The more clarity you have, the more you will be able to support and stick up for yourself.
2. Be your own best friend
Are you your own mortal enemy? If most of us spoke to others the way we spoke to ourselves, we would have no friends! You are with yourself 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. You are with yourself through all the glory and all the pain. Doesn’t it make sense to be best friends with yourself? Wouldn’t that make your life so much easier?
To practice self-love, it is important for us to consciously change our relationships with ourselves, and treat ourselves with compassion and consideration just as we would with a best friend.
So my question for you is this: how close are you with yourself? Do you give yourself pep talks as a best friend would? Do you treat yourself to fun and exciting activities you love? Are you there to hold your own hand when things get messy? If your answer is “no” or “rarely” or even “sometimes” it’s time to do things differently. Explore what it feels like being your own best friend. What one activity can you do this week that honors this philosophy?
3. Change the way you perceive your flaws
As spiritual teacher Jeff Foster puts it:
Don’t judge your sadness, your depression, your feelings of unworthiness so quickly, and don’t judge the sorrows of another, for you really don’t know what’s best for anyone, for you really don’t know more than life itself. That which you reject (in another or in yourself) may actually be much-needed medicine, a misunderstood teacher, inviting you to a self-love deeper than you ever thought possible. It may be a threshold guardian, a gatekeeper of a forgotten kingdom!
Instead of seeing our guilt, jealousy, anger, fear, and sadness as a terrible curse, see them as opportunities to grow. Realize that everyone struggles with these universal human emotions. We ALL feel insecure at times, and that’s perfectly OK.
I remember how difficult it was for me to change the way I perceived my imperfection. Every time someone pointed out a flaw of mine or criticized me in any way, I would feel depressed, angry, and defensive. One day, my partner said, “Instead of getting all sad and mopey, why not see this as an opportunity to grow?” To be honest, I wanted to punch him in the face right there and then. But after a few months, I thought “what the hell!” and gave it a try. And what a humungous difference it made to my life. Instead of getting defensive, I would feel the sting to my ego but another part of me would feel gratitude, gratitude for the chance to grow.
So give this mindset trick a spin. See what happens when you start perceiving your imperfection as an opportunity to grow. See what happens when you meet inner challenges with gratitude.
4. Practice loving all that arises
Critical and condemnatory self-judgment is the antithesis of self-love. The core reason why we struggle so much with self-love in the first place is that we JUDGE and REJECT ourselves.
Don’t get me wrong. Self-judgment is not always a bad thing. We need to be able to measure up our ability to achieve certain tasks at work, as well as understand our strengths and weakness to make smart choices. Not only that, but self-judgment can actually save our lives (e.g. “hmm, I’m too distracted after drinking alcohol so I probably shouldn’t drive on that busy ass highway.)
But, here’s the thing. Self-judgment becomes toxic when it is used to negatively scrutinize, minimize, bad-mouth, shame or otherwise harm ourselves. Unfortunately, most of us are in the habit of doing this. Thanks to our conditioning as children, it is actually socially acceptable to give ourselves shit because that’s what everyone else has been doing for a long time.
One powerful – but not necessarily easy – practice, is learning to love all that arises. And when I write “all” I mean everything! When I write “love” what I mean is embracing and accepting the nice and nasty, comfortable and uncomfortable things within you. I also refer to this as radical self-acceptance.
As writer and teacher Matt Kahn explains:
Instead of trying to shift your feelings, just love the one who can’t stop feeling. Instead of trying to resolve each fear, simply love the one who’s always afraid.
Instead of trying to not take things personally, just love the one who came here to make like personal. Instead of trying to prove your worth, simply love the one who feels worthless, lost, ashamed, and alone.
Instead of trying to leap forward in evolution, just love the one who feels left behind. Instead of having something to prove, simply love the one who came here to play.
Instead of bossing yourself around and measuring your progress through spiritual obedience, just love the one who refuses to listen. Instead of trying to believe, simply love the one in doubt. Instead of trying whatever you attempt, just love the one who needs permission to be.
Whatever arises – love that.
This seemingly ‘simple’ radical acceptance practice actually takes a lot of effort and can be strengthened through daily practices such as mindfulness and meditation. You can apply this philosophy to anything in life – even the inability to love all that arises is an opportunity to forgive and accept yourself!
5. Learn the art of self-care
Most of us are terribly disconnected from our bodies, minds, hearts, and souls. We live in a world that encourages us to be externally-focused and outwardly driven. But learning how to love yourself is about going in the opposite direction and taking some of your energy and directing it inwards.
There are endless ways to practice self-care. I explore 39 different ideas in my self-care article, but to get you started, I recommend starting with your body. Spend time each day connecting with your physicality and explore what you need. Perhaps you are tired and need more sleep, maybe your muscles ache and you need to do some stretches, or you might even need a good nutritious meal. These practices may seem simple, but they send a very direct and powerful message to your conscious and unconscious mind that you are worthy of being cared for!
6. Be your own advocate and stand up for yourself
Being your own advocate means exploring what your needs are and respecting them, which is a form of self-love. What is non-negotiable or a deal-breaker in your life? What are your deeply cherished values? What are your boundaries? We all have them. Standing up for what you believe in is a form of self-respect.
In order to be your own advocate, you need to explore what is making you feel unhappy, depressed or overwhelmed in your life. What lines are being crossed? In which areas do you feel used or taken for granted? What makes you feel unsafe? You might like to explore these questions in your journal (and if you don’t journal already, check out my journalling article to get started).
Remember that being assertive about your needs and values isn’t a synonym for being an obnoxious asshole. You don’t need to be loud, angry or emotionally reactive to be an advocate for yourself – that approach will backfire very quickly. Instead, healthy assertiveness is about honoring yourself while at the same time being respectful towards others. Some mantras or affirmations that you might like to repeat to yourself to practice healthy assertiveness include:
- “I calmly and firmly honor my needs”
- “I respect my needs in a gentle and assertive way”
- “I allow myself to say no clearly and respectfully”
- “I honor my needs, values, and feelings always”
- “I create clear and consistent boundaries that protect my energy”
- “I have the right to defend my needs and desires”
You can also take these mantras/affirmations and create some of your own!
7. Explore the core beliefs that keep you small
First, I want to start by saying that this is DEEP work. Although it may not seem like it at first, diving into the dark nether regions of your mind is an act of self-love.
Excavating your core beliefs (the main ideas you have about yourself) can and will transform your life if you know how to do it properly. For a more in-depth overview, check out my core beliefs article. However, for the sake of clarity, I’ll give you a few helpful examples of core beliefs. Common ones include “I am bad,” “There’s something innately wrong with me,” “I’m not worth it,” “I’m unlovable,” “I’m irrevocably broken.”
There are many ways to uncover and change your core beliefs (which I explore here). One practice I have recently discovered is how powerful the use of a mirror can be. Stand in front of a mirror in your house and designate at least ten minutes to stand alone and undisturbed with yourself. Then, simply look at yourself. Gaze into your eyes. What emotions and thoughts emerge? Mirror work is one of the most direct and dynamic ways of uncovering your self-talk and core beliefs. Pay attention to inner dialogue that sounds like the following: “I look so ugly,” “This is stupid,” “There’s something wrong with me,” and notice what type of thoughts and feelings you keep having. Then, enfold your body in a hug, look at yourself and say, “It’s okay, I am here for you, I accept you” (or whatever feels the most loving and authentic to you). Write about your experience in your journal.
21 Empowering Self-Love Quotes
To end this article, I’ll leave you with a few other perspectives on learning how to love yourself from a variety of writers, thinkers, poets, psychologists, and mystics.
Do you want to meet the love of your life? Look in the mirror. – Byron Katie
Compassionate toward yourself, you reconcile all beings in the world. — Lao Tzu
To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance. – Oscar Wilde
You have been criticizing yourself for years, and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens. – Louise L. Hay
The more self-love we have, the less we will experience self-abuse. Self-abuse comes from self-rejection, and self-rejection comes from having an image of what it means to be perfect and never measuring up to that ideal. Our image of perfection is the reason we reject ourselves; it is why we don’t accept ourselves the way we are, and why we don’t accept others the way they are. – Don Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements
Your problem is you’re too busy holding onto your unworthiness. – Ram Dass
When I loved myself enough, I began leaving whatever wasn’t healthy. This meant people, jobs, my own beliefs and habits – anything that kept me small. My judgement called it disloyal. Now I see it as self-loving. – Kim McMillen
If you can discover your essential beauty, in spite of all your problems and imperfections, you are on the way toward well-being. A preliminary step is simply to accept yourself with all your failures and imperfections. You must get the ego out of the way—the thought that you are so exalted that in your refined state you would be perfect. Acceptance is the beginning of genuine and honest self-love, a requirement for perceiving your own beauty. – Thomas Moore, Dark Nights of the Soul
You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection. – Anonymous
You alone are enough. You have nothing to prove to anyone. – Maya Angelou
Loving yourself isn’t vanity. It is sanity. – Katrina Mayer
Being true to who we are means carrying our spirit like a candle in the center of our darkness. If we are to live without silencing or numbing essential parts of who we are, a vow must be invoked and upheld within oneself. The same commitments we pronounce when embarking on a marriage can be understood internally as a devotion to the care of one’s soul: to have and to hold … for better or for worse … in sickness and in health … to love and to cherish, till death do us part. This means staying committed to your inner path. This means not separating from yourself when things get tough or confusing. This means accepting and embracing your faults and limitations. It means loving yourself no matter how others see you. It means cherishing the unchangeable radiance that lives within you, no matter the cuts and bruises along the way. – Mark Nepo, The Book of Awakening
Self-love isn’t always so poetic; sometimes it’s a nice big triple backflip kick in the ass. You’ve got to call yourself on your own nonsense; on the incredibly efficient way you can be self-destructive. – Steve Maraboli
And I said to my body, softly, “I want to be your friend.” It took a long breath and replied, “I have been waiting my whole life for this.” – Nayyirah Waheed
The relationship with yourself sets the tone for every other relationship you have. – Jane Travis
I now see how owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do. – Brene Brown
Self-love, self-respect, self-worth. There is a reason they all start with “self.” You can not find them in anyone else. – Unknown
If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete. – Jack Kornfield
Self-love is the foundation of our loving practice. Without it our other efforts to love fail. Giving ourselves love we provide our inner being with the opportunity to have the unconditional love we may have always longed to received from someone else. – Bell Hooks
The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are. – Carl Jung
To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don’t need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself. – Thich Nhat Hanh
So …
What is your experience with self-love?
What has been the hardest part of learning how to love yourself?
I don’t know about you, but I’m inspired each time you drop by and leave a comment, so I’d love to hear your story below.
Luna & Sol, you are my spiritual guides!
I am not a visitor to your website but a permanent resident here. I am on a path of self re-discovery, I remember being happy without reason in past, but I lost myself a few years back when I got married to a guy with dismissive – avoidant type attachment style. I have been married for long have kid but I never got the very thing that I longed for throughout my life i.e. Deep,intimate, passionate love which could find expression physically as well.
Recently when I was very high in emotions and strongly connected to myself… I simply touched myself , my skin, face, limbs etc. and I cried. I felt the deep caring, understanding, sensual touch I was longing for my whole life… I felt I had reached my destination. I totally used to loathe myself with very low self esteem a few months back when I started my inner journey.
All thanks to you!
Hi! I loved this article. Lastly, I was a little worry about self-love because I detected that I do not forgive myself when I made a mistake. With any insignificant mistake I bringing back over and over for a long time and I can forget it. Usually, I do not feel guilty for anything that I’ve decided but when something spontaneously occurs and I make the ‘wrong’ action, I hardly forgive myself.
Thankfully you are self-aware now! A lot of the unkind behaviors that we show towards ourselves are often unconscious. But now that you know what’s happening, change can happen. Thank for reading Marie. :)
I have this to say, Aletheia, you seem to be growing by leaps and bounds. Your last few articles are decidedly different. You’ve taken off the gloves and decided to not be so uptight and politically correct as you used to be. There is a lot more of your heart felt honesty to your writing that used to be missing. You now say it like it is. From your heart. Not something you used to do. You now remind me of a haggard mother, who has decided to stop placating whining children and has resorted to telling them the reality of things. I find the new you refreshing in your latest pieces. Good for you. I like it. Now if your groups only ran the same way. I wouldn’t know anymore if they’ve changed. I was banned for pretty much taking the attitude you now display. PC isn’t my strong suit. Though I sometimes miss them sorely, life has other plans that are better for me in the long run. Life is like that and I accept it. I look on my time there as a stepping stone to my own inner growth. But this isn’t about me. It’s about you. Keep up the good work. I’ve grown to enjoy what you have to offer. It used to be I enjoyed Sol’s articles more (he’s very down to earth), but I must say you’ve come a long way. I no longer cringe when I see that it’s you are the one doing the writing of the current article. I love the fact that you are growing into who you really are and are learning to be at peace and in love with yourself. There is beauty in this as you walk your own path. Much love to you, fellow traveler, as you journey forward and unfold into the unique blossom that is you. You are definitely coming into your own. No longer the girl, timid and following in another’s footsteps and being out shown. You’ve stepped into and embraced being a woman. Your writing shows you are speaking out and letting your voice be heard. I think in the process you are healing and leaving your victimhood behind. You no longer sound wounded as you once did. You speak from a center of strength, of an intimate knowing in the knowledge you put forth. Kudos.
“You now remind me of a haggard mother, who has decided to stop placating whining children and has resorted to telling them the reality of things” — that part was pretty funny. I’m not sure whether to feel offended or pleased with your message. But thank you for taking the time to share your perceptions of me and my work. I’m glad they’re starting to resonate with you more. :) As for the groups, our lonerwolf facebook group has been tidied up. But running 5 groups on facebook with over 40,000+ members each can be hard. I cannot be on the group 24/7 and have to practice self-care and look after my boundaries. I don’t always have control over what the moderators do, so I’m sorry to hear you were removed for speaking your mind. Perhaps you could send me a message on facebook and explain the situation. If that is not of interest to you, I thank you for participating anyway. Best wishes, Lynnette.
Fantastic Article. I have just written a book, and am currently trying to get it published. I will refer people to this article and your work if that’s ok. I too worked out Learning to Love ourself can be difficult… Life viz., intimate relationships and work for me, took advantage of my giving nature. Of course I always had a voice and objected but I am an empath, and didn’t know a lot of the important self-protective things. I eventually worked it all out: I identify with much of what you said here. In my 50s I do love myself: I know who I am, what I’ve done, how hard I’ve studied, worked, tried, loved, my honesty, integrity and the compassion I feel especially for those in need and are lost or hurting. There are elements of me I’m still trying to improve upon but I remind myself to love what comes up, then rationalise, and self-love. I’ve made my peace with who I am and remind myself as and when required.
Loved this article – thank-you Luna & Sol :)
I think it’s beautiful that you’ve come so far, B. Thank you for sharing <3
So inspirational. I inherited a familial and astrological DNA that allowed for much self love from as far back as I can remember. I did notice the contrast in how others were unable to show love toward me. The flip side of my self loving and others loving is that i wondered why others were unwilling to love me back. I eventually learned that they were unable but by that time had all but hid my light from anyone’s view including my own. I came out for a while when I met my “twin flame” then ran back into hiding after the burning. I’m coming back out now in part like a child and in part like I’ve already experienced the extremes of the purist Love and the purist hate so there’s no more surprises. My spidy senses are all trained up and just giving out compassion like it’s all I have left. Thanks for forging the way for us all to be reunited back to our True selves.
Thank you, Michelle
The hard part is the struggle whit your miserable social instintive side, which resists to this titanic change. The beautiful part is to continue, fall and continue. be bad and well at the same time, it is possible? . whit the self-love consciousness activated. thanks Aletheia
Just take it one step at a time. ;) It can be a hard journey, but many of us are going through the same thing, so you’re definitely not alone. Big hugs
Yes, this seems very foreign to me even though I’ve been attempting to learn to love myself, I don’t find anything worth love about me. I really wish my heart would stop beating so that I may become nothing more than energy in the universe again. Despair has engulfed my heart and I just want this life to be over.
I put on a happy face on the rare times I leave my apt. but when I come back home I just want to sob. All the reading I’ve been doing on this site for the last two years can bring me short solace, but it always comes back to my deep loneliness and sadness at losing what I thought was my Twin Flame. He’s just not that into me, for 8 of the 10 years we were together. I spent 6 of those years with no intimacy because he “doesn’t want to put in that much effort” for his menopausal wife, and apparently all those “friends” through whom we met were far more important to him than his life with me. I don’t expect I will ever find a healthy relationship at my age, and with my lack of self love. I’m super deflated and depressed, but I am here so I guess that means I’m still making an effort. Yay me.
May I add that I have fast cycling Bi-polar disorder, so in an hour I may be loving the heck out of myself, until a trigger moment puts me back down. I am still working to balance my cycles with Lithium Orotate as opposed to Lithium Carbonate which requires much higher, and harmful doses. To be sure, I will NOT commit suicide and, I will continue to use the tools that are given on this site to improve my overall outlook on my life in general. Thank you again for providing these tools. <3
Not a professional but I’d recommend researching “quiet BPD”…. Your description seems to fit that & mental health professionals often misdiagnose. A different form of treatment may work wonders… At the very least it’s worth considering.
Good luck xxx
I’m sorry to hear that you’re feeling this way Lori — and thank you for clarifying your message. I was starting to get concerned. But here you have many wonderful tools which I hope can provide you with some sense of relief — I know for me, and those I have encountered walking this path — such approaches are powerful and make deep changes. The key is to be consistent and make self-love a daily habit. Even just a quick smile at yourself in the mirror and an “I’ve got you” makes a big difference. <3
I am an Empath and after an extremely traumatic and abusive relationship with a Narc & his Malignant Narc foodsource, I was essentially utterly broken.
Lots of bad things occured and I decided to seek out counselling and to make real efforts to improve myself and my life.
People seem to misunderstand my efforts and the way i present myself and i realise i have been attempting to practice self love.
I have also been writing a sort of diary/book of what happened and im realising i have attracted several Narcs through my life. Male & female.
I always thought i was a domestic abuse victim 1x. Now i see i have had 3 abusive relationships, my parents were a narc team and some friends (now ex friends) were narcs also.
Im going to read as much of your work as I can as I proceed forward getting better.
Best wishes
L
This is key: “Once you realize that people are scared and in pain, it takes out the sting from their disapproving stares and mistreatment of you.”
When I was younger, I remember relating this way to people and it did have a positive effect on people.
I remember one person in particular who was very upset about something (i.e. triggered) and she lashed out, but I could see through it and tune into what was driving her behaviour.
She was just genuinely upset.
And I remember her responding in awe.
She was like: wow, you are so compassionate and understanding, and you never say a bad word about anyone. You don’t judge.
I’m really sorry for lashing out at you, I was just really angry. You didn’t deserve that and I feel really bad about it”
I had this ability to see through people and listen quietly to what they had to say (i.e. emotional receptivity) without absorbing it.
Because there was this knowing that it wasn’t personal. It wasn’t about me. The person was just in pain.
It takes work to operate on that kind of level.
I’m grateful for having experienced that kind of state.
I’m hoping that one day I’ll be able to relate like that to people again and stay calm and observe, be receptive but without absorbing people’s negative energy.
I love this. It’s very inspirational. Thank you!
People pleaser, me. I wrote this last night.
–I’ve got nothing more to look for
I must be near the end
Seems the messages from heaven have
Nearly reached the end
–I spent the night in emptiness
I couldn’t see tomorrow
I wish not to see the day again
It all amounts sorrow
–If efforts made me wealthy
Mine would be a pile
Of wanting to do all things
And watching people smile
–My efforts lay in vain
Upon a hill of waste
–I can’t believe I failed so much
My days were spent in haste
To serve the others first before me
I stood aside to let them pass
–and now my pile of deeds
Have overcome my needs
The dead and rotten hill
I lie awake in darkness still
–for all is gone. My hope, my Sun
That shined so brightly on my soul
Where courage went, I do not know.
Where comfort went, I do not know.
–I know someone before
No brighter one could be
She faded off and vanished
I chased her to the sea
–Nothing left behind her
No footprints in the sand
So who would stand to say
How much they missed her helping hand.
Val okla city
I love the article.. I too have begun this journey of self love ❤
How do I confirm my perception is reality, or that reality is not my perception. I don’t believe a whole group of people are in pain,, or don’t have self love. This may be true for the instigator, but some people go along because they are weak minded individuals