One of the most painfully common, yet neglected areas of discussion when it comes to the path of awakening to our deeper Self, is losing all our friends. Winding up alone.
Perhaps youโve always struggled to make friends, or once upon a time had friendships but have since lost them.
Maybe youโre an introvert by nature and tend to have one or two friends at a time, or an ambivert who shifts like a chameleon based on the circumstance. Maybe youโre even an extrovert who thrives on social interaction.
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Whatever the case, undergoing a spiritual awakening โ a call to reconnect with your deeper Self โ has a way of both slowly and suddenly destroying the connections you once held dear.
These friendships can either slowly fade through time, like a withering flower in a pot of stagnant water. Or they can suddenly disappear in thin air as if an atomic bomb has gone off in your life.
However youโve experienced the loss of friends, I want you to know that youโre not alone. Youโre not weird. And youโre certainly not crazy.
The question is, why do we lose these connections? How do we find new friends? And if we canโt find suitable connections, what do we do with ourselves?
Table of contents
Why Do We Lose Friendships on the Path of Awakening?
There are a number of reasons why we may wind up alone at some point in our lives:
- Weโve actively distanced ourselves from our previous relationships because they feel unhealthy, empty, or no longer fit our needs.
- Our friends donโt understand what weโre going through and canโt relate to the โnew versionโ of ourselves โ they can only connect to the role they were used to us playing. As a result, they phase themselves out of our lives.
- Thereโs a lack of understanding and shared values on both sides: we can no longer relate to them, and they can no longer relate to us.
On a more meaningful level, losing friendships:
- Helps us to โstart overโ by releasing old identities, values, and aspects of the ego that weโve outgrown
- Clears a space in our lives to go inwards, reflect, and discover who we truly are at a deeper level beyond surface masks
- Creates more opportunities for the healing and illuminating power of solitude
Losing friendships on the path of awakening is an extremely common and painful experience.
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I used to have lots of friends growing up, even as a shy child. But once I started going through my dark night of the soul and spiritual awakening at the age of 19, I wound up alone.
I began actively distancing myself from old friendships because they just didnโt make sense to me anymore. They felt hollow and actually made me feel more lonely than not having them.
So what I decided to do was to let them go. I have made few friendships since (I’ve tried, but they didnโt go as planned) and a few private online friendships. But overall, I donโt have the degree of friendship connectedness I once had. Eventually, Iโd like to when the time is right in life.
As you get older, itโs harder in some ways to make friends. Busy schedules, responsibilities, mouths to feed โฆ add the โIโm introspecting in my cocoon so I can look into the deeper layers of my soul and find the truth of realityโ into that mix, and it can become really hard to find kindred souls.
How to Find Friends โ and If You Canโt, What to Do Instead
We know that if we embrace our ideals, we must prove worthy of them. And that scares the hell out of us. What will become of us? We will lose our friends and family, who will no longer recognize us. We will wind up alone, in the cold void of starry space, with nothing and no one to hold on to. Of course this is exactly what happens. But thereโs the trick. We wind up in space, but not alone. Instead we are tapped into an unquenchable, undepletable, inexhaustible source of wisdom, consciousness, companionship. Yeah, we lose friends. But we find friends too, in places we never thought to look. And theyโre better friends, truer friends. And weโre better and truer to them. โ Steven Pressfield, The War of Art
Hereโs a weird thing about me. I might write a lot about spiritual topics, but I donโt actually like spending time around overtly spiritual people โ the stereotypical love-and-light kind, anyway. Why?
A โspiritual personโ role is still a role, one that is more elaborate and in many ways more self-righteous and detached (in many but not all circumstances) than the everyday personโs identity.
In other words, itโs harder to relate to and feel truly connected with the spiritual people that Iโve come across in person (and online). I donโt know if itโs different for you and where you live, but for me, the most off-putting places are yoga classes, meditation groups, and spiritual centers.
I donโt feel like I can be myself in these spaces or around these types of people (too much toxic positivity, new age babble, cultish behavior, and so on). So I donโt go anymore.
I find that I enjoy the company of more down-to-earth people; those who are curious, autodidactic (self-learners), creative, and quirky. These are the people I vibe with the most.
Iโve always connected best with eccentric people โ the outsiders and ones that donโt fit in well. The square pegs in round holes. The โoutcasts.โ
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Here are a few questions to help you find friends after youโve lost them on the awakening path:
- Identities and roles aside, who am I deep down? What type of person do I genuinely feel comfortable around?
- Where can I find that type of person in person (or online)?
- How can I show up regularly in that space, same place, same time, each week, to build a bond?
Consistency and familiarity are the keys to establishing new friendships. The last question is important because if you can show up in the same place, at the same time, in a place with the right people, youโll inevitably make new friends.
Incidentally, thatโs why religion works so well (not that I’m necessarily promoting it) โ itโs great at connecting people through an accepted ritual of showing up at the same place, same time, every week.
The final question to ask is: What are my values? Does this person share them? If you donโt share the same core values (for instance, creativity, compassion, faith, or loyalty), your friendship wonโt be that deep.
If youโre fine with surface-level friendships, thatโs fine. There are different friendships for different circumstances. There are friends of convenience, casual friends, close friends, best friends, and many other types.
But if youโre like me, you enjoy deeper connections, which is why knowing your core values is important. One great way of discovering these is by asking yourself, โWhat is most important to me in life? What couldnโt I live without?โ
When You Canโt Find Friends (What to Do)
Sometimes youโre in a place in life where itโs hard to make friends in person.
Maybe you have no space, energy, or time after your busy work week. Perhaps there are too many responsibilities on your plate, like being a live-in carer to a parent, partner, or child with a disability.
Maybe geographically you live in a very isolated place (like where I live) or in a city or country with people who donโt share the same interests or values as you (as in the case of a free spirit living in a highly religious or conservative country).
Maybe youโre still highly traumatized and your nervous system doesnโt allow you to relax around others, or youโre still sensitive and tender after going through an existential crisis or dark night.
Whatever the case, sometimes the cards arenโt in our favor. Sometimes life asks that you seek friendship in alternative ways.
In this situation, I take comfort from what Anne Frank writes in The Diary of a Young Girl,
The best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely or unhappy is to go outside, somewhere where they can be quite alone with the heavens, nature and God โฆ As long as this exists, and it certainly always will, I know that then there will always be comfort for every sorrow, whatever the circumstances may be. And I firmly believe that nature brings solace in all troubles.
Other than taking solace in nature, animals, and your connection to the Divine, there is always the online world.
There are many communities out there and spaces to directly connect with others in an ongoing way. I like to think we have a cool micro community here that gradually shows up in the comments. :)
Amid all of this, learning to be your own best friend through the power of self-love and inner work in general will help you to be a good friend when the time comes to befriend another.
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***
Losing all your friends can feel like a tragedy, something shameful, painful, or depressing.
But it can also be a gift in that it offers you the chance to start over, begin anew, and find people who do resonate with you on a deeper level.
Tell me, what has your experience been with losing friends on the awakening path? What has helped you find connection again? Comment below. You never know who you may help!
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I have always been a bit of a loner, a “lone wolf” as you put it. But I have been married to my best friend form more than 50 years. Several of the other good “friends” I had abandoned me when I left the religion that we shared. In the three plus decades that have passed since then I have had many acquaintances, mostly people I worked with. We got along fine but, for the most part, I was never in their homes and they were never in mine. Four I would call friends have abandoned the US for fear of the fascist takeover. Something I fully supported as they are at risk of being mistreated, oppressed, even arrested, for various reasons. The friendships that come and go in a life are very often things we have little control over. Enjoy them while they remain in your life. Remember them with fondness when they drift away for whatever reasons. But always keep in mind that the friendship is not likely to last as long as we might like.
“Enjoy them while they remain in your life. Remember them with fondness when they drift away for whatever reasons. But always keep in mind that the friendship is not likely to last as long as we might like.” โ yes, great wisdom here. Hold them with a light grip. What comes will come, what needs to go, will go. I appreciate you sharing your insight and experience here Tj ๐บ
Iโve never had many friends but I for the last 50 years, I shared a special friendship with a couple of people. In the last few years one of these has drifted away, or perhaps I am one that has drifted. Like you say, after experiencing โthe dark night of the soulโ priorities change. I guess this long term relationship has brought me a lot of sadness to see it coming to an end and I have a hard time knowing what to do about it. We keep trying to connect but there is something vital missing here. I think what you say, that in this case, the person just gradually takes themselves out of the picture. In the meantime, I have connected with other people more in tune with myself in the last few years which has been satisfying and comforting. All I know for sure is, I need to keep allowing the changes in myself to move freely, no matter how lonely I might feel at times.
“All I know for sure is, I need to keep allowing the changes in myself to move freely, no matter how lonely I might feel at times.” โ Yes, absolutely. Thank you for sharing this wisdom Marion ๐
I have a rare personality type INFJ. Once I learned this some things began to make sense, but more than a personality type is my soul type and that seems to go deeper. I have belonged to Christian communities, where I found people genuine but in need of more love than they might be willing to admit. I have attended Satsangs, Kirtans, Meditation groups, lived in yoga communities, and I find a very similar tendency to want more than they give. To play at being peaceful. I simply do not connect with someone until I see who they are. Until I experience them in some significant way. For example I went to you, Luna, for spiritual guidance in the form of an animal guide. I have had numerous experiences with animals, from touching a wild moose, to swimming with a massive turtle on the Hawaiian islands, I was wondering which of these animals was my spirit animalโฆLuna told me a Chameleon. I felt disappointed. I shot off an angry letter, not expecting a reply, but I got one almost immediately. You explained the guidance from this animal in such a way I experienced a new way of seeing. I value that ability so much, to bring me to a new perspective. Luna would be a friend I would value. A nurse I knew when I worked at a Psych Hospital once told me she collected minds. She had 4 minds to date and she decided to add mine. She explained how my perspective was so different than her own she wanted to be able to refer to my perspective when needed. I was young at the time, she was older, I see now how precious such an encounter is. In the end, having met hundreds of people in my life, with all my travels and relocating and still I find it is seldom I meet someone like Luna.
Thank you Luna for this weekโs observations. I have lost many friends along this path. Some I have walked away from, some betrayed me and destroyed the friendship, a few have survived. I have been reading your work for years and would love to consider you a friend. You speak to me as if you were. You share, are vulnerable and care.
Thank you for this, Carol. I too have an INFJ personality type (although apparently Jesus and Hitler had this personality type as well, so I’m taking it with a grain of salt ๐ ).
The nurse who “collected minds” initially alarmed me when I read what you wrote, but I can see that you mean perspectives โ I think that is a powerful and useful thing to do. That’s one of the reasons why reading is such a joy.
With love to you ๐
Iโve lost literally EVERYONE & EVERYTHING!! Down to my own mother & oldest son! My entire life & world view changed! Is it lonely at times? Sure! Would I change it? Nope! Do we complain occasionally about living in an area where the ppls morals, values, & beliefs definitely do not fit w ours . Despite all this, Iโve lived through so much crap that I have found peace in the solitude! Firstly, Iโm not alone. I have my husband who has grown with me & along side me. We realized that we needed to start making more conscious choices in every area of life! Now, we donโt waste our time trying to force relationships with ppl. If itโs not right, itโs not right & im ok with that. We HAVE to start realizing when a relationship has run its course! Too many stay in unhealthy or just stagnant relationships due to misguided loyalties, & beliefs that one Must keep childhood or local default friends forever! This isnโt mean. Itโs like this : 2+2=4 . If it doesnโt, the equation isnโt right!
We dream of settling down in a rural area w land & gardens & animals. Neighbors not necessary lol. Itโs true, the quote you used by Anne Frank , nature is the most healing & thatโs all we need! Nature IS God.
“We HAVE to start realizing when a relationship has run its course!” โ yes, absolutely. And it’s often nothing personal either. I learned that with a friendship I had for five years. One day I just came to the realization that I had grown in a different direction, and that’s fine.
I hope you find your dream rural area, Candis :)
I still have a number of childhood friends that are close to me but having moved away from my hometown years ago made me lonely. As my spiritual life deepened, I felt people, aside from my 2 children, could not understand me the way that would make me feel connected. My work naturally exposes me to many people, but I still felt lonely for deep friendships. I began to pray consistently to find friendships that are deep, even in my midlife. I’ve been blessed by two beautiful friendships in the last 3 years, one that came by an unexpected route but I feel was divinely set.
Beautiful. Consistent focused prayer is amazing like that ๐
Thank You Aletheia, Wow great article. All my life even when I was young I never had many friend and the ones I did were superficial friendships. Then when I went on a spiritual practice of Buddhism even though I had friends in the practice I for some reason felt unconnected to them. I seemed to see things from a different perspective than most everyone I met. To this day when I have struggled in life especially because I haven’t had a real relationship in 12 years There is only one or 2 people that I actually open up to! If there guidance doesn’t move my heart it doesn’t work for me, I’ve learned this through many life experiences. I have become pretty well self reliant and motivated through my faith and religious study and practice. Love your article touched me because everything you said was spot on! Appreciate You!
I felt the same way when I used to attend a local Buddhist center. The people there were nice, very friendly … but I just couldn’t connect to the religiosity.
Thanks for opening up and sharing this, Jim. It’s nice to not feel alone in these quirks. I appreciate you too โก
Of the 3 cards pictured at the beginning of article there you say 2 of Swords but the picture is 3 of Swords. Yes Iโm a Virgo. Okay going to read article nowโฆ.
On Good Friday I had to put down my 10 yo Tuxedo Pit. I was in crisis for the two days leading up to Good Friday and for 8 days after – sobbing, not eating or taking my meds, some raging. I have two people I consider friends here that I meet up with 3-4 times a week at the Dog Park. They knew I was upset (via texting). But the first time I see them back at the Dog Park after Good Friday with my other dog letโs just say I was not treated as a close friend and my feelings were ignored. This is the second time I felt put in my place as a casual not close friend by one of them. I havenโt talked to her since. Iโve seen her but avoid being near her. Iโm not angry anymore but itโs not worth the effort to mend fences (sheโs leaving the State end of June so I would have lost her anyway). So this article was a timely read. Thinking about what type of friend Iโd like to make – I wonder if I really want another friend. Iโm 100% Lone Wolf. I would prefer being friendly with a chauffeur, a housekeeper, a handyman, a nurse but Iโm not rich. Iโm old and I need help. I left my small group of family and friends in California in 2008 – another bad decision it feels like now.
My condolences โ fur family are family, and losing one can be the same or sometimes worse than losing a human family member. ๐พ
Lol I noticed that twoโ ! Even read it twice!
Hahaha, yes, my bad. Blame new parent chronic sleep deprivation!
I lost most of my friends suddenly seven years ago, during a painful crisis where I learned that many of the people who I had supported when they were in pain were not willing to be there for me when I needed it. I have since met people who feel like kindred souls from time to time, but something always disrupts the connection: a move, a reassignment, a realization that I don’t have the resources to keep showing up to wherever it is we are meeting… I feel very much like something important to me is missing. I wish just “being alone with the universe” was enough. Some days it is. I don’t know what this time is trying to teach me. It hurts and has been hurting for so long.
That sucks, Lane. I hope you find the clarity you’re looking for. In the meantime, please know you’re not alone in feeling this way ๐
I reached a point where I had to set some firm boundaries and also care for a family member. That resulted in the loss of most friends and family members, which, in hindsight brought more peace than anything. This was over ten years ago and I feel like Iโm just now coming out of the fog and finally starting to anchor into myself. I struggle to let people in and make connections, but have a couple close people who I feel completely safe with. Iโm ok with that, but would like to continue healing and being open to letting people in. This journey has been intense, thatโs for sure.
I’m glad you have a couple of close people who you feel safe with, J. โก This journey can feel like a hurricane/earthquake/tsunami at times! It helps to have kindred souls in some form nearby.
I didn’t necessarily have friends, just one person who was closest to me from childhood to my teenage years. But along the way, we drifted further and further apart, because I wasn’t the popular type. After we finished school, we each went our separate ways and grew apart. Along the way, I realized that I had different tastes and world views. Many years later, we spoke again, but it wasn’t like before, the person had changed completely, or rather, perhaps he had never changed, he had just assumed who he really was, an ambitious, arrogant and unscrupulous person. It was a cold, distant reunion, there was no longer a why. At first, the rudeness seemed painful, but in fact, today I realize that the problem wasn’t with me, but with the person who got lost in the illusions of ego and greed. That’s where we realize that there’s a point of no return, or as Heraclitus used to say: “No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it’s not the same river and he’s not the same man.” Everything changes, yet some people completely lose their essence and prefer to live superficially, while others keep it constantly evolving and living authentically as they are, facing challenges with courage and learning at every step of their lives. Many may think that living alone is bad, however, it is when you discover self-love and authenticity that you know true freedom and self-worth, thus understanding that you don’t have to diminish yourself to fit into anyone else’s world and, when people come along who like and accept you for who you truly are, that’s when deep and meaningful bonds begin.
Thank you for sharing, and sorry to hear that your friendship didn’t work out, Hans. I don’t see a problem with creative ambition, but if someone comes across as arrogant or overly ego-centric, I can see why it would be hard to connect. The only constant is change, as you say. Reminds me of this quote,
โEveryone has their own path. Walk yours with integrity and wish all others peace on their journey. When your paths merge, rejoice for their presence in your life. When the paths are separated, return to the wholeness of yourself, give thanks for the footprints left on your soul, and embrace the time to journey on your own.โ – Anonymous