One of the most painfully common, yet neglected areas of discussion when it comes to the path of awakening to our deeper Self, is losing all our friends. Winding up alone.
Perhaps youโve always struggled to make friends, or once upon a time had friendships but have since lost them.
Maybe youโre an introvert by nature and tend to have one or two friends at a time, or an ambivert who shifts like a chameleon based on the circumstance. Maybe youโre even an extrovert who thrives on social interaction.
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Whatever the case, undergoing a spiritual awakening โ a call to reconnect with your deeper Self โ has a way of both slowly and suddenly destroying the connections you once held dear.
These friendships can either slowly fade through time, like a withering flower in a pot of stagnant water. Or they can suddenly disappear in thin air as if an atomic bomb has gone off in your life.
However youโve experienced the loss of friends, I want you to know that youโre not alone. Youโre not weird. And youโre certainly not crazy.
The question is, why do we lose these connections? How do we find new friends? And if we canโt find suitable connections, what do we do with ourselves?
Table of contents
Why Do We Lose Friendships on the Path of Awakening?
There are a number of reasons why we may wind up alone at some point in our lives:
- Weโve actively distanced ourselves from our previous relationships because they feel unhealthy, empty, or no longer fit our needs.
- Our friends donโt understand what weโre going through and canโt relate to the โnew versionโ of ourselves โ they can only connect to the role they were used to us playing. As a result, they phase themselves out of our lives.
- Thereโs a lack of understanding and shared values on both sides: we can no longer relate to them, and they can no longer relate to us.
On a more meaningful level, losing friendships:
- Helps us to โstart overโ by releasing old identities, values, and aspects of the ego that weโve outgrown
- Clears a space in our lives to go inwards, reflect, and discover who we truly are at a deeper level beyond surface masks
- Creates more opportunities for the healing and illuminating power of solitude
Losing friendships on the path of awakening is an extremely common and painful experience.
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I used to have lots of friends growing up, even as a shy child. But once I started going through my dark night of the soul and spiritual awakening at the age of 19, I wound up alone.
I began actively distancing myself from old friendships because they just didnโt make sense to me anymore. They felt hollow and actually made me feel more lonely than not having them.
So what I decided to do was to let them go. I have made few friendships since (I’ve tried, but they didnโt go as planned) and a few private online friendships. But overall, I donโt have the degree of friendship connectedness I once had. Eventually, Iโd like to when the time is right in life.
As you get older, itโs harder in some ways to make friends. Busy schedules, responsibilities, mouths to feed โฆ add the โIโm introspecting in my cocoon so I can look into the deeper layers of my soul and find the truth of realityโ into that mix, and it can become really hard to find kindred souls.
How to Find Friends โ and If You Canโt, What to Do Instead
We know that if we embrace our ideals, we must prove worthy of them. And that scares the hell out of us. What will become of us? We will lose our friends and family, who will no longer recognize us. We will wind up alone, in the cold void of starry space, with nothing and no one to hold on to. Of course this is exactly what happens. But thereโs the trick. We wind up in space, but not alone. Instead we are tapped into an unquenchable, undepletable, inexhaustible source of wisdom, consciousness, companionship. Yeah, we lose friends. But we find friends too, in places we never thought to look. And theyโre better friends, truer friends. And weโre better and truer to them. โ Steven Pressfield, The War of Art
Hereโs a weird thing about me. I might write a lot about spiritual topics, but I donโt actually like spending time around overtly spiritual people โ the stereotypical love-and-light kind, anyway. Why?
A โspiritual personโ role is still a role, one that is more elaborate and in many ways more self-righteous and detached (in many but not all circumstances) than the everyday personโs identity.
In other words, itโs harder to relate to and feel truly connected with the spiritual people that Iโve come across in person (and online). I donโt know if itโs different for you and where you live, but for me, the most off-putting places are yoga classes, meditation groups, and spiritual centers.
I donโt feel like I can be myself in these spaces or around these types of people (too much toxic positivity, new age babble, cultish behavior, and so on). So I donโt go anymore.
I find that I enjoy the company of more down-to-earth people; those who are curious, autodidactic (self-learners), creative, and quirky. These are the people I vibe with the most.
Iโve always connected best with eccentric people โ the outsiders and ones that donโt fit in well. The square pegs in round holes. The โoutcasts.โ
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Here are a few questions to help you find friends after youโve lost them on the awakening path:
- Identities and roles aside, who am I deep down? What type of person do I genuinely feel comfortable around?
- Where can I find that type of person in person (or online)?
- How can I show up regularly in that space, same place, same time, each week, to build a bond?
Consistency and familiarity are the keys to establishing new friendships. The last question is important because if you can show up in the same place, at the same time, in a place with the right people, youโll inevitably make new friends.
Incidentally, thatโs why religion works so well (not that I’m necessarily promoting it) โ itโs great at connecting people through an accepted ritual of showing up at the same place, same time, every week.
The final question to ask is: What are my values? Does this person share them? If you donโt share the same core values (for instance, creativity, compassion, faith, or loyalty), your friendship wonโt be that deep.
If youโre fine with surface-level friendships, thatโs fine. There are different friendships for different circumstances. There are friends of convenience, casual friends, close friends, best friends, and many other types.
But if youโre like me, you enjoy deeper connections, which is why knowing your core values is important. One great way of discovering these is by asking yourself, โWhat is most important to me in life? What couldnโt I live without?โ
When You Canโt Find Friends (What to Do)
Sometimes youโre in a place in life where itโs hard to make friends in person.
Maybe you have no space, energy, or time after your busy work week. Perhaps there are too many responsibilities on your plate, like being a live-in carer to a parent, partner, or child with a disability.
Maybe geographically you live in a very isolated place (like where I live) or in a city or country with people who donโt share the same interests or values as you (as in the case of a free spirit living in a highly religious or conservative country).
Maybe youโre still highly traumatized and your nervous system doesnโt allow you to relax around others, or youโre still sensitive and tender after going through an existential crisis or dark night.
Whatever the case, sometimes the cards arenโt in our favor. Sometimes life asks that you seek friendship in alternative ways.
In this situation, I take comfort from what Anne Frank writes in The Diary of a Young Girl,
The best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely or unhappy is to go outside, somewhere where they can be quite alone with the heavens, nature and God โฆ As long as this exists, and it certainly always will, I know that then there will always be comfort for every sorrow, whatever the circumstances may be. And I firmly believe that nature brings solace in all troubles.
Other than taking solace in nature, animals, and your connection to the Divine, there is always the online world.
There are many communities out there and spaces to directly connect with others in an ongoing way. I like to think we have a cool micro community here that gradually shows up in the comments. :)
Amid all of this, learning to be your own best friend through the power of self-love and inner work in general will help you to be a good friend when the time comes to befriend another.
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***
Losing all your friends can feel like a tragedy, something shameful, painful, or depressing.
But it can also be a gift in that it offers you the chance to start over, begin anew, and find people who do resonate with you on a deeper level.
Tell me, what has your experience been with losing friends on the awakening path? What has helped you find connection again? Comment below. You never know who you may help!
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This article was really right on time. I’ve been struggling with a heavy feeling in my heart for while. I’ve been clearing up my friendship circle in the last 4 years. There is still a not too close friend in my life and honestly I never really wanted to maintain a close friendship with her. I know that it’s rude but 10-12 years I was not answering her calls sometimes because I did not feel like talking. As a result her husband accused me for not being enough good friend. At that moment something broke inside me but I was too much people pleaser and felt guilty. She was always very superficial for me and 4-5 years ago when I started rearrange my friendship, I thought that I could give another chance to make this relationship grow deeper but only mainly because she was so much insisting on being friends with me. Some time ago I realised that we have grown so far from each other that I do not want to talk anymore, actually we don’t have anything common and I’m not interested in sharing superficial life happenings like where did she travel etc. She texted me some weeks ago asking if I will be available on a date some months later and I texted back that I’m not sure about my schedule. I really do not want to meet her. How can I maintain this situation in an honest but kind way?
So my last sentence would be like: how can I handle this situation in an honest and kind way? I would not like to maintain this friendship anymore in any form.
The timing of this article was uncanny. I’m in the early stages of what I’ve come to understand is the dark night of the soul. I’m 67 years old. After a lifetime of work, marriages, relationships and now retirement, I find myself more alone than ever before. I’ve never minded the alone time, I don’t now. I only question why now. Your article makes me believe that this is a purposeful introspection point in my life. Time to really assess where I am and how I got here. To love me for all of the decisions that I’ve made, both good and bad. And I shall. I think it time to focus on raising my vibration. And, at the end of the day, you walk alone into the next phase of existence anyway.
For me, that was a very hard phase to go through, it lasted years, my children included in the loss . Nasty divorce . Now I’m at a point where I know that the people who are in my life are here for love, peace, and purpose . We gravitate toward people like us who are searching for a better way to be at peace …and find it
Thanks for your wonderful articles
Altheia, I have the same “weird thing” about me, too.
Loosing friends could be a positive and or a negative. This depends on the friendship circle that you have. Whether friends being a positive, negative or draining. You have the power to discern which friends you associate yourself with and when to socialise with them either together or one on one. This way make it easier on your self and less draining. Your insight has taught so much information on the different ways of treating each and every friend in their own unique way. Thank you for sharing this.
I could definitively relate to this articleโฆIโve lost a lot of friends along this spiritual journey. And, as I think back, it was always around the time I experienced a Dark Night of the Soul. And now, having just come out of my last DNOTS 4 years ago, I find myself very alone. I am the Hermitโฆliving in solitude, with everyone at a distance. Like I cannot seem to connect with anyone anymore. Conversations are so surface level/fluff, meaningless content that I would rather not have any at all. I cannot seem to find people with whom I can connectโฆon a deep, meaningful level. In the meantime, I will feel into the questions you asked in your article Aletheia and see what comes up for me. Thank you ๐๐
My dear Lonely Wolves,
You have no idea how relieved I how was to read this post, after a lifetime of maladapted misery. I had come to the conclusion that I am the โcommon denominatorโ, whether or not due to the narcissistic adults that dominated my formative years. I have been buffeted from abortive relationships to failed friendships to full-scale abandonment from the tribes of both my late husbands (abandonments fully packaged in blame, bitterness and greed). I recently had to give up hope that my longest standing friend of 28 years (who is the only one I could think of to nominate as my next of kin) would genuinely respond to my attempts at getting back on track, even though I bestowed generous gifts of money to send out this message.
I never did well in group settings either, only lasted 3 years in the Choir (more that I thought I would) and the dynamics of any group activity repel me. Like yourself I only feel comfortable with the โalchemyโ of the written word, as you so beautifully put it, and am grateful for the dawn of the online age who facilitated for me a few rare but precious exchanges, such as Lonerwolf.
I am mercifully retiring next week and can heave a sigh of relief at no longer having to pretend and skirt around with bosses and colleagues. What made all my jobs so miserable was never the volume or degree of difficulty of the duties involved, but always, always, the falseness of the people. I always had a genius level of BS detection which made things even worse. Even right up to last week I had a fight to put up a stop to any attempts at a ghastly โretirement bashโ that a few were railroading despite my clear wishes. I would be very surprised if any of them were to try and get in touch once I am gone, but if someone did so for genuine and sincere reasons I would not turn them down.
So in fact, after much reflection on how scary it would be to be โhome aloneโ, I realised that this is exactly what my inner self has been screaming out for, like a starving new-born.
And then this amazing thing happened yesterday, exactly as you say: โsame place, same time, every weekโ. I volunteered to help out at my local hospice shop to start something even before I finish work. The lovely couple who run it were so thrilled with me being there I just couldnโt believe it. I have not felt that kind of appreciation for so long. And when I offered to help out every Saturday morning they seemed so over the moon, I felt something stir inside me, from a very, very, long buried deep place. I felt that maybe this is the beginning of a new friendship.
As you say: โSame Place, Same Time, Every Weekโ
With much much love,
Marie-France ๐ซถ
Thanks for this Alithea,
Since 2020 I have found less and less people I can communicate with, or who are even aware of the things I have become aware of. It’s so strange. At first I posted informative videos that I had seen (on YouTube )on Facebook to say “Hey, do you know this stuff is happening ?” [without actually making a comment mostly ] and I just got criticised, even by my family !
Ive always much preferred 1:1 relationships and tend to find I haven’t got much to say in a group. Also I have always been a people pleaser and as I am a bit of a ‘Jack of all trades ‘, Ive tended to play the role of helper, and friends have called on me to assist in all kinds of projects, and I have enjoyed being able to help.
In 2020, at the start of all the covid stuff, I suddenly got a very painful hip and was no longer able to be as active, or as useful to others and that, combined with a new awakening has served to cut me off from old friends and even my grown up kids, who can’t relate to me anymore.
The message I was getting from my body was . . stop DOING all this physical stuff !
There’s something more important you need to be doing !
Without the painful body stuff going on, I suspect I would have carried on in the same vein til I dropped ! Now I have come to believe my priorities are to practice SURRENDER,
BEING HERE NOW, and RAISING MY VIBRATION, and for that I need space and I am grateful to have much less to distract me.
Despite feeling lonely sometimes (usually when I am comparing my life with someone else’s ) I think its all ok, and the message I am getting from various teachings , including yours Alithea, is that it is a natural/ common part of awakening.
So thankyou, it is good to be reminded.
Aletheia, itโs late and this article continues to haunt me. Is there hope for finding people who resonate with you? On line communities, offer temporary relief from feeling alone, but it is not the same as the day to day experience of friendship. Someone to walk with, when words arenโt necessary. I am getting married on Saturday, the 24th to a wonderful man who reads the Bible every day, who accepts me as I am, supports my every dream, though he may not understand it, in general he loves me, but we are not aligned spiritually. Itโs not a problem when so much else is offered, but it doesnโt mean I donโt still miss connection of another sortโฆ. I have my grown children, but they are partnering up and needing me less. Do I learn to accept that this is the life I will lead? Or do I continue to try to find people who not only accept me, but understand me?
I have very few friends now and it feels very lonely sometimes. With some of my friends our lives moved in different directions and we grew apart which was sad. Some of my closest friends now live far away which is even harder. The others I found out the hard way were fair weather friends, happy to be around when it’s all sunshine and rainbows but disappear very quickly during the dark times and I’ve had plenty of dark times lately. I learnt that some people are loyal to you, others are simply loyal to their need of you and if they no longer need you or you can no longer provide what they need then they have no further use for you. It is hurtful but I know it says far more about them than me, still this journey can be very lonely at times.