One of the most painfully common, yet neglected areas of discussion when it comes to the path of awakening to our deeper Self, is losing all our friends. Winding up alone.
Perhaps youโve always struggled to make friends, or once upon a time had friendships but have since lost them.
Maybe youโre an introvert by nature and tend to have one or two friends at a time, or an ambivert who shifts like a chameleon based on the circumstance. Maybe youโre even an extrovert who thrives on social interaction.
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Whatever the case, undergoing a spiritual awakening โ a call to reconnect with your deeper Self โ has a way of both slowly and suddenly destroying the connections you once held dear.
These friendships can either slowly fade through time, like a withering flower in a pot of stagnant water. Or they can suddenly disappear in thin air as if an atomic bomb has gone off in your life.
However youโve experienced the loss of friends, I want you to know that youโre not alone. Youโre not weird. And youโre certainly not crazy.
The question is, why do we lose these connections? How do we find new friends? And if we canโt find suitable connections, what do we do with ourselves?
Table of contents
Why Do We Lose Friendships on the Path of Awakening?
There are a number of reasons why we may wind up alone at some point in our lives:
- Weโve actively distanced ourselves from our previous relationships because they feel unhealthy, empty, or no longer fit our needs.
- Our friends donโt understand what weโre going through and canโt relate to the โnew versionโ of ourselves โ they can only connect to the role they were used to us playing. As a result, they phase themselves out of our lives.
- Thereโs a lack of understanding and shared values on both sides: we can no longer relate to them, and they can no longer relate to us.
On a more meaningful level, losing friendships:
- Helps us to โstart overโ by releasing old identities, values, and aspects of the ego that weโve outgrown
- Clears a space in our lives to go inwards, reflect, and discover who we truly are at a deeper level beyond surface masks
- Creates more opportunities for the healing and illuminating power of solitude
Losing friendships on the path of awakening is an extremely common and painful experience.
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I used to have lots of friends growing up, even as a shy child. But once I started going through my dark night of the soul and spiritual awakening at the age of 19, I wound up alone.
I began actively distancing myself from old friendships because they just didnโt make sense to me anymore. They felt hollow and actually made me feel more lonely than not having them.
So what I decided to do was to let them go. I have made few friendships since (I’ve tried, but they didnโt go as planned) and a few private online friendships. But overall, I donโt have the degree of friendship connectedness I once had. Eventually, Iโd like to when the time is right in life.
As you get older, itโs harder in some ways to make friends. Busy schedules, responsibilities, mouths to feed โฆ add the โIโm introspecting in my cocoon so I can look into the deeper layers of my soul and find the truth of realityโ into that mix, and it can become really hard to find kindred souls.
How to Find Friends โ and If You Canโt, What to Do Instead
We know that if we embrace our ideals, we must prove worthy of them. And that scares the hell out of us. What will become of us? We will lose our friends and family, who will no longer recognize us. We will wind up alone, in the cold void of starry space, with nothing and no one to hold on to. Of course this is exactly what happens. But thereโs the trick. We wind up in space, but not alone. Instead we are tapped into an unquenchable, undepletable, inexhaustible source of wisdom, consciousness, companionship. Yeah, we lose friends. But we find friends too, in places we never thought to look. And theyโre better friends, truer friends. And weโre better and truer to them. โ Steven Pressfield, The War of Art
Hereโs a weird thing about me. I might write a lot about spiritual topics, but I donโt actually like spending time around overtly spiritual people โ the stereotypical love-and-light kind, anyway. Why?
A โspiritual personโ role is still a role, one that is more elaborate and in many ways more self-righteous and detached (in many but not all circumstances) than the everyday personโs identity.
In other words, itโs harder to relate to and feel truly connected with the spiritual people that Iโve come across in person (and online). I donโt know if itโs different for you and where you live, but for me, the most off-putting places are yoga classes, meditation groups, and spiritual centers.
I donโt feel like I can be myself in these spaces or around these types of people (too much toxic positivity, new age babble, cultish behavior, and so on). So I donโt go anymore.
I find that I enjoy the company of more down-to-earth people; those who are curious, autodidactic (self-learners), creative, and quirky. These are the people I vibe with the most.
Iโve always connected best with eccentric people โ the outsiders and ones that donโt fit in well. The square pegs in round holes. The โoutcasts.โ
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Here are a few questions to help you find friends after youโve lost them on the awakening path:
- Identities and roles aside, who am I deep down? What type of person do I genuinely feel comfortable around?
- Where can I find that type of person in person (or online)?
- How can I show up regularly in that space, same place, same time, each week, to build a bond?
Consistency and familiarity are the keys to establishing new friendships. The last question is important because if you can show up in the same place, at the same time, in a place with the right people, youโll inevitably make new friends.
Incidentally, thatโs why religion works so well (not that I’m necessarily promoting it) โ itโs great at connecting people through an accepted ritual of showing up at the same place, same time, every week.
The final question to ask is: What are my values? Does this person share them? If you donโt share the same core values (for instance, creativity, compassion, faith, or loyalty), your friendship wonโt be that deep.
If youโre fine with surface-level friendships, thatโs fine. There are different friendships for different circumstances. There are friends of convenience, casual friends, close friends, best friends, and many other types.
But if youโre like me, you enjoy deeper connections, which is why knowing your core values is important. One great way of discovering these is by asking yourself, โWhat is most important to me in life? What couldnโt I live without?โ
When You Canโt Find Friends (What to Do)
Sometimes youโre in a place in life where itโs hard to make friends in person.
Maybe you have no space, energy, or time after your busy work week. Perhaps there are too many responsibilities on your plate, like being a live-in carer to a parent, partner, or child with a disability.
Maybe geographically you live in a very isolated place (like where I live) or in a city or country with people who donโt share the same interests or values as you (as in the case of a free spirit living in a highly religious or conservative country).
Maybe youโre still highly traumatized and your nervous system doesnโt allow you to relax around others, or youโre still sensitive and tender after going through an existential crisis or dark night.
Whatever the case, sometimes the cards arenโt in our favor. Sometimes life asks that you seek friendship in alternative ways.
In this situation, I take comfort from what Anne Frank writes in The Diary of a Young Girl,
The best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely or unhappy is to go outside, somewhere where they can be quite alone with the heavens, nature and God โฆ As long as this exists, and it certainly always will, I know that then there will always be comfort for every sorrow, whatever the circumstances may be. And I firmly believe that nature brings solace in all troubles.
Other than taking solace in nature, animals, and your connection to the Divine, there is always the online world.
There are many communities out there and spaces to directly connect with others in an ongoing way. I like to think we have a cool micro community here that gradually shows up in the comments. :)
Amid all of this, learning to be your own best friend through the power of self-love and inner work in general will help you to be a good friend when the time comes to befriend another.
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Losing all your friends can feel like a tragedy, something shameful, painful, or depressing.
But it can also be a gift in that it offers you the chance to start over, begin anew, and find people who do resonate with you on a deeper level.
Tell me, what has your experience been with losing friends on the awakening path? What has helped you find connection again? Comment below. You never know who you may help!
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You sound very much like a woman after my own heart! And that feels rather good!
Beautifully written, as always. I finally realized that I am not a square peg trying to fit in a circular hole, rather Iโm a star and others were dimming my ability to shine โจ
Thank you, thank you. Iโve been going through this in a huge way, friends and family. Thank you for always being so real and authentic. It is so beautiful and refreshing.
The best quote from my favorite n the first novel I had read when I was a child. She had Kitty as her best friend, a true story. In such a situation one can have a Kitty like her. Thanks for this quote.
Thanks for sharing this :)
Fascinating article you’ve written. I stumbled upon on it when I saw it was on the front page of this website. Thank you for your honesty and views on friendship.
It seems most people care more about either themselves or romantic relationships. From my experience, I sobbed about losing friends. Since I left secondary school, I lost many friendships. Some so-called friends were fake and pretentious. Others were secretly backstabbers. To be honest, I have not made a new real friend since my school days. I usually avoid people of a my age because they are either juvenile, conceited, busy with work, in drugs, or followers of society.
And you’re right. As we age, it’s harder to make new friends. I still yearn to meet a person who has a similar creative mind and have a deep connection with.Yet I still have to deal with trust issues. In the meantime, I’ll stick with dogs. They are loyal.
Are you my doppelganger? No really, your experience mirrors mine almost perfectly. Thanks for your own honest and vulnerability, Ella ๐
Thank you, Luna! Your words are kind. How odd? I guess we do!
This is one of the most hope-inspiring articles I have read in a while. I, too, have lost lots of long-term friends (like people I’ve known even 10-20+ years) the past couple of years. I have struggled with the trauma of abandonment/betrayal and trusting myself to be a good judge of character: to choose people that will accept me as my vulnerable, authentic self and to feel safe enough to allow myself to become emotionally attached to anyone else again.
I’m sorry to hear that, Katie. It’s a tough and painful experience, especially with friendships you’ve had for that long. I have struggled with a loss of self-trust as well, and am currently on the journey of regaining it. Much love to you. <3
The last couple of weeks i have seen this topic re occure in different places. The most explained reason for losing friends that is been giving is that you simply dont vibe the same frequency anymore. You’ve outgrown each other. Something i have experienced a couple of times. Where the people had other goals in life which i didnt share, and they seemed not be interested in growing at all. I wrote it somewhere recently, usually when i do tip too around in letting people back in to my life, making friends, these are usually the people you have to eventually break yourself free from to protect your own well being(or thats what left of it). People that just simply refuse to grow or heal in any form and you have to lower your own vibe to meet them. Or the people that feel like as if they play the mind games, while they present themselves as spiritual and on the healing journey etc. In my situation, All of them are repeating old patterns. To be honest, i dont know what to do with them. Maybe the lesson is not learned yet. Nonetheless, I feel perfectly fine on my own these days. The occasional smalltalk when out and about doing my shoppings is enough social interaction. The only thing that would be interesting, is a safe community where you can have the raw and honest, conversations that comes along with the journey. Ive noticed in the communities where i do participate. A lot of people choose to stay silence and i also notice that the people who do speak up, are, how you say that respectfully? Not on the same healing level as i am. Not to be arrogant, but they havent been able to learn and apply the things that i have been able to learn and became important to me. That gives a different dialogue, and still feels for me i have to lower myself to meet the conversation. Unfortunately, thats not working either.
Yes, this reminds me of the saying, “your vibe attracts your tribe.” But what if many others don’t share your vibe … where is your tribe? That’s why I’m grateful for spaces like this and the internet as a whole. It might not be as good as in-person connection, but there’s still a soul resonance that occurs through reading these words, where heart connects with heart through time and space. Thanks for sharing these thoughts, Evelien ๐
Just read that, thank you. Yeah, it’s interesting that you said you don’t like hanging out at spiritual places. I’ve stopped going to my yoga class, of 15+ years, I had outgrown it, and the people, and I was ‘called’ to volunteer and participate in a spiritual community….as The Heyoka that I now embody – the sacred clown – to inject a bit of mischief! These places take it all too seriously….and I’ve seen a lot of spiritual bullshit! At least I can laugh about it and inject some fun and mischievousness! And people are guided to me for energy healing – that is one of my many missions since my husband died and I woke up four years ago. At the moment though I feel very alone, although we’re never alone, you know what I mean. It seems I’m just shining too brightly for most people…even for spiritual people…but I just have to trust the process and The Universe will send my new mate in divine timing….and any other ‘mates’ ….friends….who I am meant to be with. And I am very aware of the signs and synchronicities which are becoming more mystical and magical. Keep going magical ones โจ๏ธ
Keep being mischievous, Sunya :-D Thank you for sharing this.
I can so much resonate with this weekโs newsletter. I used to have many friends although I was shy. Gradually became more and more alone through circumstances and also some friendships that just didnโt work for me anymore. Then for years of spiritual working I made a new kind of friends but after the death of my husband (now 20 years ago) I moved to another country to start a new life. I have since tried spiritual groups, meditation groups etc but I just donโt feel any connection, too much show, too little real deep and honest conversation, so I have stopped trying to find friends. I sometimes feel a bit lonely although my connection with spirit and my inner self is much stronger, I miss the personal touch, but I am on the whole a lot happier and I believe that the right friends will come my way when the time is right. I prefer to be alone than lonely in a group.
โI prefer to be alone than lonely in a groupโ โ well said Jennifer! Thank you for sharing your story.
Loneliness is a familiar feeling to me, yet it seems to me that I have managed to overcome a big deal of it. I am in my early twenties, and the past decade was something in which I faced identity crisis and a deep loneliness. It was not only a normal feeling of not finding friends, it was about craving to find friends, leading a false life so that I please others.
In my childhood, I was often called by many people as “weird” by my teacher, “Extraterestrial being” by my peers at school, and other things that implied I was inherently not fitting. Interestingly, I was also called ‘mentally retarded’, and other times ‘a genious’ (and am still called both of this), which adds to the fun, because it explains so much things about my identity ‘worth’ confusion, the message that I automatically internalized, in any case, was that I am a ‘one of a kind’.
This stuff made me refuse this thought, and crave fitting in, being what I am not, holding values I despise, changing my self depending on circumstance. Yet, I only felt more humiliated from those whom I wanted to like me.
What helped me overcome, thankfully,
and that was faith! I rediscovered the religion I grew up in, Islam, as if I have never done that before. Whole most of my peers have families that teach them religious practices (superficially in my opinion), mine was not religious, yet, Thanks God, I managed to find solace in my relationship with Allah (God in Arabic). I was at the same time beginning to be more intimate with myself and with my God, a God who is absolutely merciful, compassionate, wise, and just. My quest with knowing God helped me realize that I don’t have to be something else to be valued as a worthy soul, needless_ God knows my soul even better than I do. If humans only see the surface, God sees the depth of me, and so I don’t feel much loneliness since I attach my life to God, who guides everything, and have absolute mercy over us.
My relationship with people is no longer based on their perception of me, it is now based on the love and mercy that God wants me to spread.
Now, few friends, but good ones, not intimate, yet enough for me now. I find my intimacy right now with my self, and who created my self.
Still growing and facing grave challenges though, but at least I have my compass, the Quran (the words od God), and life.
By the way, I have read the suggested book in your website, “the body keeps the score” by Bessel Van der kolk, and it’s amazing. As an educator, it is precious information!
I canโt believe my ears hearing the terrible names you were called, Haytam. Iโm glad youโve found more solace in your religious beliefs. And that book is an excellent suggestion :)