Emotional violence is another kind of abuse … it’s not about words because an emotionally abusive person doesn’t always resort to using the verbal club, but rather the verbal untraceable poison. – Augusten Burroughs
It was after reading the above passage in a book I recently completed by Augusten Burroughs that I stopped dead in my tracks. Emotional abuse? This concept was something completely new to me. The words settled like lead inside of my head. What I had discovered in those precise few moments, was the exact description for the subtle abuse I was, and still am, facing from my estranged parents. I read on:
They may, in fact, speak very kind words to you. And appear nothing but supportive to those around you. Their covert abuse is administered in small, cunning ways over time. So the impact is gradual, not fist-to-the-eye immediate.
What struck me about this quote is the fact that emotional abusers are very passive, very subtle, very quiet.
The tricky thing with emotional abuse like anything quiet and unobtrusive is that it can be overlooked easily, blending into the background of life. Luckily, however, it can lead traces of something “not being quite right” in your relationships – something wrong that you just can’t quite put your finger on.
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My hope is that this article will help introduce, or reintroduce, you to the world of emotional abuse. If you do decide to continue reading, please consider introspecting and reflecting on yourself and the people in your life. It could make all the difference in the world.
Emotional Abuse: The Devil’s Quiet Sister
Emotional abuse is also known as psychological or mental abuse. Its aim is to control, belittle, isolate and shame other people into subservience. This happens little by little over time, so that the victim’s sense of self-worth, self-confidence, self-concept and own ideas and perceptions erode.
Many emotional abusers operate under the guise that they are “teaching”, “advising”, “correcting”, and/or “guiding”, and therefore fly under the radar, spreading their poison for years upon years.
Types of Emotional Abuse
Emotional abuse rarely just involves criticisms or put-downs. I’ve listed some more kinds of abuse below that you should be wary of. Also, be a bit careful when you read this list. For instance, you may find one or two symptoms of emotional abuse apparent in your life, but it doesn’t necessarily make your relationships absolutely and utterly emotionally abusive. The more symptoms you recognize, the more likely you’re experiencing emotional abuse.
1. Control and Domination.
- They may control your money and your spending.
- They may treat you as an inferior person.
- They may make you feel small by reminding you of your faults and shortcomings.
- They may make you feel as though they’re always right, and you’re always wrong.
- You may feel the need to “get permission” for everything you do, or decision you have to make.
- They may give you disapproving, or condescending looks and comments.
- They may “chastise” you, and treat you like a child.
- They may control where you go, who you interact with, and/or what you do.
- They’re excessively possessive and jealous.
2. Isolation and Neglect.
- They may have difficulty taking responsibility for their actions. Instead, they deflect the blame onto you.
- They may have no regard for, and no interest in, the way you feel.
- They may use “the silent treatment” to punish you.
- They may withdraw affection from you to punish you.
- They may become deliberately emotionally distant from you for long periods of time.
- They purposely neglect to share important pieces of information with you.
- They may neglect to give you privacy, or purposely disrespect your boundaries.
3. Bullying and Humiliation.
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- They may call you names, or label you.
- They may belittle your success and triumphs.
- They may mock, impersonate or otherwise talk to you in sarcastic ways.
- They may accuse you of things that you never did.
- They may degrade or subtly humiliate you in front of other people.
- They may frequently make jokes at your own expense.
- You may feel intimidated or scared when voicing an opinion.
What to Read & Where to Go to Find Out More
If you are experiencing emotional abuse, or if you’re the one inflicting it, I’ve composed a list of resources that can help assist you with this quiet killer.
- The Emotionally Destructive Relationship by Leslie Vernick
- Emotional Abuse on Innerbody (including numbers you can call for help)
- Stories and experiences with emotional abuse (a community)
- Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse by Dr. Gregory L. Jantz
- How to Deal With Emotionally Abusive Parents (an article on WikiHow)
I’d appreciate any comments or stories of your own. I read every one of them. ;)
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My name is Isabella, i am from USA i had little issues with my husband and he left home after we had quarrels, i miss him so very much. I have tried to reconcile with him but he went ahead to settle down with another lady who have been trying to still him away from me, she work in the same office with him.I told my friend about what i was going through and she said i don’t need to worry that there is powerful Priest who can help me prepare a spell to bring him back to me without much delay. I contacted Priest Ajigar and in just 4 days he really help me, we are back together again and also the kids are happy that their father is back home. I am so happy and would also advice you to contact his through his email: priestajigarspells@live.com) i have experience his powerful spell is so real and genuine.
Yes, I have been emotional abused for many years and I still haven’t found happiness and peace. I struggled with my emotion everyday. I just trying to find ways to recover and find myself and be happy again!
I need help. My husband (diagnosed with psychotic depression for which he refuses treatment) of 20 years is medically disabled from cancer treatments and has been home-bound for almost 10 years. He is still a wonderful man but has become so verbally and emotionally abusive that no matter what I try to do it doesn’t work; my mother (who is a narcissist…and a GREAT one) has controlled, manipulated, lied etc. all my 46 years…she has ruined my life and turned me into a “Yes girl”. I also have a daughter from a previous marriage that is great but treats me with no regard until she needs something and to top it all off, I adopted my stepson (I’ve been his mom since he was 4) and he was diagnosed as a sociopath. He is a “good man”…he has his appearances set but he moved to a different state and…long story short…ended communication with my husband and I because he knows we know and he knows we know the truths he won’t tell his wife, etc. So he didn’t even let us talk to her…we weren’t invited, etc. I don’t understand!!!!! He always told me and treated me to back up that he loved me and adored me, etc. I would go through it all over again to give him a good life but I’m so depressed, despondent and every time I even try to talk to ANYone now, all i do is stutter, mumble apologize and go hide somewhere and go over everything I did wrong and cry. my life has no meaning, I thought i am a good person I have a good heart and put everyone in front of my own needs. I know it all stems from my mom (my older brother has had to end contact with my mother and enabling father) but why do I have to have EVERYONE in my life that I love, treat me like dog poo? I have no friends left and my life is nothing but taking care of everyone else…I have no idea what happiness is and the only reason I’m not “pushing daisies” is because I believe in God and that he loves me and I would never offend His Will by doing that. I would also like to think that someone…somewhere out there…might miss me or need me and I’m not there for them. Please help me….I don’t have health insurance and I can’t afford counseling because of my husband’s medical needs. Please anyone, tell me there’s hope…please.
I am so sorry you are having such a difficult time. It is hard to cope sometimes, but it is great that your faith sustains you. Mine do pies too. Life is tough! I think the best advice I can give you is to STOP WORRYING ABOUT OTHERS SO MUCH! Find, in this crazy life what makes YOU happy…be selfish to a certain extent, because you are worthy of happiness. I’ve learned, don’t let other people’s problems, the abusers, define who you are. Step back and look at who you are and realize you are a good person who deserves more out of life than to be treated with so much disrespect. You are in my prayers…and you are worthy! Don’t let other people define who you are…and for goodness sake, don’t worry so much about them…it’s their problem, not yours. It’s Ok to be caring, loving, compassionate, but not at the expense of who you are…find that person! You will be that much more happier fir it…
I really need to proof…not *fir…but for, *mine does too, not mine do pies too. I hate spellcheck…good luck to you…
Those magic spell comments above are hilarious
I feel deeply for people that have experienced this. Thank you Luna for writing this and for mentioning the Augusten Burroughs book.
The relationship with my mother has been a very trying one. She is abusive in many ways, however just recently as I’ve checked back into a therapist, I’ve realized her emotional abuse has determined her as my silent killer and has been the worst for me. Her belittling, kick me while I’m down mentality, calling me a weak person, stupid at times and treating me like a child has really hit the had enough bar in my life. I’ve allowed it to affect every aspect and because of that my life has been in shambles. When do you say enough is enough and walk away from your mother because of the detriment it’s caused. :'( Even though she has seen how weak and hurt I’ve become, she still continues to beat me to a pulp
I feel your pain Ash, my mother is the same way and had my spirit broken by the time I was about 3 years old. My brother (4 years older than I) had to end contact with her and my enabling father…it took him until he was 50! My mother isolated me as a child and literally tried to stunt my emotional growth and she did nothing to help me find myself…making sure I was “an extension” of her. Everything I wore, said, did or accomplished was HER glory…or embarrassment. If I did the things she wanted she loved me; if I didn’t she embarrassed me or set me up to look bad…she even had me admitted in a mental ward when I was a teenager because I was “starting to think for myself”, which I was told I couldn’t. I live across the street from her now….to take care of her and my father (both elderly) and I have no life. She wants to make sure if she’s miserable, so am I. And that’s the key there Ash, THEY are so unhappy with themselves (whether they blame others or not) that the children they control must feel worse, so they can feel better. I think it’s too late for me but if you find the chance to be happy, to heck with your mother’s “consequences”…take it and bask in happiness…before it’s too late!!! God Bless you!!!
I was in an emotionally abusive relationship a few years ago. It has been hard to distance myself from this person because he first cheated on me with my twin sister then he went on to marry her so he is my brother in law. Half my family thinks he is a jerk but they keep quiet about it and the others are mad at me for “not getting over it”, it in their minds is just a few mean words. The toughest thing about trying to heal from it is finding people who understand what emotional abuse is and that it is not just the occasional fleeting put down. I am still so angry about all of it and I do not know how to deal with my ex when he is at family events. He will not claim responsibility at all beyond saying we both did things we regret. Family loves him because he is charming. I do not know how to handle it. I see forgiveness quotes on how I will be happier if I let it go but how do you let it go and still say what happened to me was wrong and I am worth more than than when you are the only one who cares about what happened.
I left an ex partner who does every single one of those behaviours and more ….
He still contacts me for access to our child…he persists until I give in. He “pretends” to habe no malice or animosity towards me. I soften to negotiate contact. I become disarmed amd charmed …UNTIL…I take control and say No to his demands terms and conditions – he pulls me into his denials ” its everyone else excuses” then his belittling his lack of remorse and his telling me im the crazy one…im the trouble maker im the problem. He then tells everyone else that hes the innocent victim so I suffer abuse from them. Then he shouts at me to leave him alone as I cause problems in his life (aka the truth) and then I have months again of the silent treatment. Until he sees fit to contact again. (Because I have stopped begging him to talk about things )
He is showing his passive aggressive emotional abuse more so now as I went to the child maintenance service as an agency who could deal with this person amd he has denied paternity.
Its ongoing head games crazy working amd emotional hurt and abuse towards myself & my daughter.
I worked in the oilfield for years. I met a woman that asked me to come move in, share her home, share her cars, share her life and the only way it would work and trust me was to do these things.. She’d get upset n cry and make me feel guilty until I complied with her requests.
Yes, I met every single request, even the one that included introducing my 3 year old daughter into her life. Needless to say, everything was fine for a year, and my daughter loved her etc.
Shevwas aware that I had a ex-wife with 2 children I had a functional parental obligation with. Well the exwife lost her home, and the 2 oldest children came to stay for the summer. It was great if you let her tell it, because everything on the surface was good.
Up until the times my children explained to me and I witnessed almost all of these thing that you discuss in this article happening to all 3 of us. We’re always wrong, have no voice and stress her out but she isn’t capable of adding to our stress the least bit. As time went on, I grew frustrated hearing her tear down an 11 yr old 9year old and myself. Once I decided to end it with her, EVERY TANGIBLE item was hers, and I had nothing for myself or the kids.
I got irrate once I discovered I was duped. I help build her dream and met all of her needs selflessly and sooooo easy. I did everything her way and didn’t realize I wasn’t growimg or developing myself because I was focused on the whole we are a team what’s yurs is mine and what’s mine is yours lifestyle.
We left with $900 and only the clothes on our back. 1 man and 3 kids. How does this happen with a gainfully employed, responsible adult? Covert Abuse is how.
She’s upset because I called her a few choice words and names as I exited.. And somehow she and her family believes she supported myself and the 3 kids. How does support leave you broke with No car and looking for a place to go with nothing but the clothes on your back and leave behind a large condo and 2 cars?
Covert Abuse is how. Keep the items, We’ll keep our sanity and make due..
My mother and father in law are both emotionally abusive. They have been living in the home with us for the better part of 3 years and I went from a strong, independant, confident person to a complete shell of myself. Living away from my family, having two small children and growing up with the mantra to ” always respect my elders” meant I felt trapped, isolated and alone. My MIL was controlling our finances through the family business and everyday was like having rent inspection. I stood up in a fit of rage one day and told everyone how I felt and lashed out at everyone around me and they brushed it off as post natal depression ( this was not the case) I am still in the same situation but have worked hard at becoming independent in every way- financially, physically by playing sport and mentally by making decisions without asking permission. It has had a great strain on our marriage and my kids have witnessed my passivised self which I am not proud of. Thank you for the article and giving me a place to share my hidden self.