Emotional violence is another kind of abuse … it’s not about words because an emotionally abusive person doesn’t always resort to using the verbal club, but rather the verbal untraceable poison. – Augusten Burroughs
It was after reading the above passage in a book I recently completed by Augusten Burroughs that I stopped dead in my tracks. Emotional abuse? This concept was something completely new to me. The words settled like lead inside of my head. What I had discovered in those precise few moments, was the exact description for the subtle abuse I was, and still am, facing from my estranged parents. I read on:
They may, in fact, speak very kind words to you. And appear nothing but supportive to those around you. Their covert abuse is administered in small, cunning ways over time. So the impact is gradual, not fist-to-the-eye immediate.
What struck me about this quote is the fact that emotional abusers are very passive, very subtle, very quiet.
The tricky thing with emotional abuse like anything quiet and unobtrusive is that it can be overlooked easily, blending into the background of life. Luckily, however, it can lead traces of something “not being quite right” in your relationships – something wrong that you just can’t quite put your finger on.
My hope is that this article will help introduce, or reintroduce, you to the world of emotional abuse. If you do decide to continue reading, please consider introspecting and reflecting on yourself and the people in your life. It could make all the difference in the world.
Emotional Abuse: The Devil’s Quiet Sister
Emotional abuse is also known as psychological or mental abuse. Its aim is to control, belittle, isolate and shame other people into subservience. This happens little by little over time, so that the victim’s sense of self-worth, self-confidence, self-concept and own ideas and perceptions erode.
Many emotional abusers operate under the guise that they are “teaching”, “advising”, “correcting”, and/or “guiding”, and therefore fly under the radar, spreading their poison for years upon years.
Types of Emotional Abuse
Emotional abuse rarely just involves criticisms or put-downs. I’ve listed some more kinds of abuse below that you should be wary of. Also, be a bit careful when you read this list. For instance, you may find one or two symptoms of emotional abuse apparent in your life, but it doesn’t necessarily make your relationships absolutely and utterly emotionally abusive. The more symptoms you recognize, the more likely you’re experiencing emotional abuse.
1. Control and Domination.
- They may control your money and your spending.
- They may treat you as an inferior person.
- They may make you feel small by reminding you of your faults and shortcomings.
- They may make you feel as though they’re always right, and you’re always wrong.
- You may feel the need to “get permission” for everything you do, or decision you have to make.
- They may give you disapproving, or condescending looks and comments.
- They may “chastise” you, and treat you like a child.
- They may control where you go, who you interact with, and/or what you do.
- They’re excessively possessive and jealous.
2. Isolation and Neglect.
- They may have difficulty taking responsibility for their actions. Instead, they deflect the blame onto you.
- They may have no regard for, and no interest in, the way you feel.
- They may use “the silent treatment” to punish you.
- They may withdraw affection from you to punish you.
- They may become deliberately emotionally distant from you for long periods of time.
- They purposely neglect to share important pieces of information with you.
- They may neglect to give you privacy, or purposely disrespect your boundaries.
3. Bullying and Humiliation.
- They may call you names, or label you.
- They may belittle your success and triumphs.
- They may mock, impersonate or otherwise talk to you in sarcastic ways.
- They may accuse you of things that you never did.
- They may degrade or subtly humiliate you in front of other people.
- They may frequently make jokes at your own expense.
- You may feel intimidated or scared when voicing an opinion.
What to Read & Where to Go to Find Out More
If you are experiencing emotional abuse, or if you’re the one inflicting it, I’ve composed a list of resources that can help assist you with this quiet killer.
- The Emotionally Destructive Relationship by Leslie Vernick
- Emotional Abuse on Helpguide.org (including numbers you can call for help)
- Stories and experiences with emotional abuse (a community)
- Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse by Dr. Gregory L. Jantz
- How To Stop Being Abusive (an article)
- How to Deal With Emotionally Abusive Parents (an article on WikiHow)
I’d appreciate any comments or stories of your own. I read every one of them. ;)
I’m being gaslighted now. My wife is good to. I didn’t know it was happening until a nurse at the VA noticed I was upset and ask what was wrong. I teared up and told her and she that is emotional abuse known as gas lighting. Right now she hasn’t spoken to me in days. When I go to bed she get up and goes to the couch. She acts like I have the plague. At one point I lost 30 lbs in a month. Recently got in a fight and gotten bit by the person and should’ve gotten stitches. She is a RN in the Air Force and I ask her to evaluate it. She acted like I Was Whoopi Goldberg in Ghost. I ask her didn’t you take a hypocritic oath that requires you to help any one who needs help. I had buried alot of emotions for years and last year when we we’d those emotion woke up cause I was in love for the first time so I am emotionally inmature at 54yrs. I m a gaslighters dream victim. I read somewhere that gaslighting and being punch affect the same spot in the brain. I told her I would rather be punched in the mouth than being ignored. I’m waiting for the military lawyer to call me now. Thanks for listening i almost made it through without crying.
God bless you , I to was my husband’s victim for 38 years I’ve just learned about gaslighting after our divorce a few months ago. He had me thinking I was crazy, and for one year after my sisters suicide he wouldn’t speak to me and would give me the most evil and coldest stares I’ve ever seen he wouldn’t even touch me to hold me to help me with my grief. I couldn’t even leave the house I was beyond devastated. He wouldn’t even buy groceries, I had to eat stuff that was out of date but he could care less. He was a master manipulator, until I finally figured him out. But I came out the other end, I survived I refused to be his victim anymore. I have thousands of stories to tell about what he and his family put me through this was just one example.
Hey mona I hope you are happy now and living your life
Just a bit of a shout out to people reading this page – please remember its not just women who go through this.
its 5am on a wednesday where i am. i havent slept all night, because mind has gone back to a family i lost 3 years ago, simply because i dared to stand up to a child abusing sister who had been abusing me for 30 years. Try as i might… i just cant get rid of the anger and pain, and when it happens to men, its not just their families that go, its all their friends too.
I dont know why i looked this up or why im making this comment…
I just dont want anyone else on this planet to feel how i feel right now.
Thank you for your courage in sharing this. I think in some ways, emotional abuse is shrouded in even more shame for men, and the fact that you’ve spoken up about it is a testament to your inner strength (although it might not feel that way). I urge you to reach out for help from someone who can hold space for you, like a counselor or therapist. Asking for help is a sign of strength, so please please do it. You deserve to find peace of mind and understanding ♡
My two daughters and I just two weeks escaped a household where we were the victims of abuse. For five years the girls and I were permitted to only use half of the home we lived in though to others the emotional turmoil was both a shock and met with doubt as well. Our abuser is a manipulator and a drunk and my husband of 39 years. The souls of my girls and I were slowly dying a little each day. I thank God for sending us an Angel who offered us his home and protection after we left and it’s not until you look back that you see what you’ve endured.
I truly hope you are flourishing now Patricia ♥
Great post! We are linking to this great post on our site. Keep up the great writing.
Hi. My name is Mackenzie Issler. I just recently realized the fact that I was raised by gas lighters. My mom and stepdad are both guilty of it. It happened so often that I would isolate myself in my room because I would have rather been alone than spend time with them. I was able to think of a scenario of something that happened for at least 22 of those types of emotional abuse listed above. I’ve started reading around trying to understand the concept more to figure out what to do next. This article really described the feeling that i’ve never been able to describe before so clearly and it made me feel like how i’ve been feeling all this time wasn’t just me overthinking or being paranoid. It actually is real and my feelings are valid.
my mum is a malignant narcissist who raised me as a scapegoat and a now full blown child abuser daughter who abuses our mutual niece. I can remember having issues waaaaaaaaaaaaay back at 8… and its only now i remember actually going to a therapist, being asked what my issue was, starting to speak, then being told NO! WE ARENT HERE TO TALK ABOUT YOUR SISTER WE ARE HERE TO TALK ABOUT YOU! (thats *not* the therapist saying that)
every time i wore cologne my entire adult life i got told ‘you smell like youve been f….g w…s’ which was funny once 20 years ago, but when i was wearing suit jobs…. turned into a multiple time daily thing, and any reaction would be met with ‘it was just a joke you dont have to get angry all the time’ well it stopped working on me, so instead she told our niece who was wearing my cologne ‘you smell like a f…. w… honey.’
i threatened her with the CPS but the childs mother has been raised by said narcissist to always blame her brother, and my good sisters useless husband actually allows himself to be abused by this atrocious human being across the dinner table.
I found out not last week i now have a second niece or nephew.
But the gaslighting in my family is that wide spread that no one from my *extended* family even bothered to tell me, and there have been deaths in the family since i saw them last too.
At this point in time… im isolated and struggling yet again, because it doesnt matter what i do, i keep coming back to the same point, that all of these rights and laws and feelings i apparently have…. all fake. The locks on my home got changed because someone didnt like me trying to defend my own niece, illegal. My sister shuts our niece in her (sisters) room because shes in a crap mood, illegal. She thinks its appropriate to call her a nasty name like that, and my entire family gatekeep me *out* of their therapy sessions, and whatever clown theyre seeing has clearly told them to block me because im the bad guy…. *based on a complete lie*
im 41 now, and it effectively put my father into an early grave, and is going to put me there as well eventually…
Thank you, Mackenzie. I was especially touched by your comment “It happened so often that I would isolate myself in my room because I would have rather been alone than spend time with them.” The world outside my room was a battlefield. At home and at school. At family reunions (mother’s side), I’d eventually return to my room, because people ignored me. I’m 71 years old, and I’m just beginning to realize how I was gaslighted so often during my life (and still am) by people I love. The pain of wondering whether I was really a “karen” or was manipulated into it still haunts me.
I was 17 and met a guy who I will name Billy. I met Billy at a party and he was HOT! Tall, dark, HOT and so SEXY! He and I talked and we exchanged numbers. Billy texted me I think you’re very cute. I blushed. Billy told me I was beautiful. Billy went to play games I left to do stuff around the house and Billy called. We talked for hours. I remember feeling so happy hearing his voice. Billy asked me out a week later and I went. Billy took me out again and it was so much fun. The third time, Billy introduced me to his parents and they loved me. I enjoyed seeing Billy as I started to like him. I liked hanging out with Billy and he liked hanging out with me. We started dating and Billy was perfect and so romantic. I was falling for him really fast. My heart was racing everytime I was nearby him and he felt the same way. We said I love you to eachother and talked about a future together. We talked about kids, house, cars, pets, everything. Little did I know he was going to be my worst nightmare. Billy started to act weird around the second year of us dating and I thought he’s getting tired of me. So I asked him what was wrong. He told me I was fat and had to go on a diet. I remember crying and he begged for forgiveness which I did because I loved him. Billy started to comment on my appearance so I thought maybe I’m not what he wants anymore. Maybe I am fat. Billy told me I needed to fix a few things so I starved myself thinking maybe I’ll lose weight. I lost weight but felt so sick. I was dizzy, shaking, heart was racing and felt like I wanted to faint. I eventually started eating again and he told me you look fat again. You’re going on weight watchers. My heart was broken. His parents who I loved hated me because I’m a different religion and would always say why are you with her? She’s not what you want. I remember feeling like crying because of that. He started to take control and make fun of my appearance again. He was possessive and couldn’t allow me to have friends or talk to anyone. He would call me every minute and be like where are you? He tried to hit me once during an argument. I had no idea who Billy was. I thought my life is over. Billy proposed to me when I was 19 and then told me it was all fake and said he never wanted to marry me because he wasn’t sure if I was Mrs Right. Billy made me cry so many times during arguments and the insults. I remember telling him I was having some minor work done of Invisalign and he told me don’t do it. You’re not going to be sexy anymore with straight teeth I love you just the way you are. I wasn’t allowed to look good for me. Couldn’t wear shorts, tanktop, dresses or anything lowcut. Billy accused me of cheating with ex bfs, my best friend, the mailman, the paperboy and random strangers off the streets who I don’t even know. I got a haircut and highlights along with the Invisalign and he said go back to the old you. I hate the new you. He would check my phone, Facebook, KIK, twitter and whatever I had opened to see if I was cheating which he accused me of like 10,000% of the time and I never did because I never will. Billy insulted me in front of my friends, family and coworkers. Billy wanted me to get fired because he didn’t like that I was working. Billy hated my family for no reason. Billy left me threatening voicemails and text messages saying if you don’t hangout I’ll hurt or kill you. I felt threatened. Billy had horrible road rage and always blamed me for everything saying if you weren’t here I wouldn’t have done this. Billy called me fat, stupid, worthless and was trying to steal my friends. He didn’t want me to talk to my friends or family. I remember feeling so down about myself that I thought about suicide. I was having trouble sleeping, eating, thinking, and doing everything I love. He insulted everyone in my hobbies and tried to make me quit them. I cried all the time and thinking what am I gonna do? I had a plan. I called my best friend and said I need help getting out of it. The best friend who I will name Jimmy was asking if I was okay. I remember telling Jimmy I felt lost. I was suicidal. I didn’t know what to do. Jimmy said end it. So I had a plan and it was perfect because I told everyone that Billy was abusing me and they were shocked. I was waiting until Billy called to talk and then end it. So he called, got really mad and started cursing, screaming, threatened to hurt or kill me and then I hung up the phone and told my mom. She said you want it over? I said yes. Please end it. So she did. I was crying from tears of joy but I was also heartbroken because I dumped Billy but I had too. I told Jimmy and other friends and some stayed while some left. I felt a weight lifted off of my shoulders and I’m eating again, sleeping, thinking and no suicidal thoughts. I did talk to Billy once after the breakup and I have started dating again. I’m not letting Billy ruin my life.
Great article, I am so happy to have it cross my path! I definitely have something to share. Bit of background- my parents are the type who should never have had the privilege of being parents. But I survived a lifetime of abuse. Came out the other side a bit broken and dysfunctional and in need of professional help. At my lowest and darkest point, I was finally connected with a counsellor. Our first session went well, and I felt like she might have the skill to teach me how to find myself -my “orphans”, if you will- and heal the inner child who was hated for merely being born. After 18 months of therapy, I’m feeling stronger than I ever have. Then my therapist starts saying things to me like “I shouldn’t have feelings about what you tell me, but I can’t help but feel angry towards (so and so) for what they did to you”, and “You are in my thoughts a lot, I’m so concerned about you”, and my favorite “I probably shouldnt be saying this, but i consider you more of a friend than a client”. That last one triggered some unease, which I should have bloody listened to. I sensed that she was trying to insert herself into my life as someone I can trust and who would be a good friend. It made me squirmy- my intuition was punching me in the gut- but I pushed it down, as I was still in need of counselling and she was good for me. Day finally came when the purpose of her “grooming” me was revealed… she needed office help. An office admin. Being disabled and of low income status, I agreed. My gut was displeased. After I helped get her organized enough that she could expand her client base, she started ignoring my communications, cancelling our appointments to have other meetings with people she wanted to impress, and criticising the quality of my work. (Keep in mind I have a disability and do the best that I possibly can. She was supportive of this at first. Or maybe I should say “supportive”.) She became the type of person whom I sought treatment about. She knew what to say and when to draw me in, and then once her practice grew enough I was unreliable, not performing tasks well enough, ignored regularly, and was merely “the help”. She triggered nearly every issue that I had been seeing her for. And then she fired me and skipped out on paying my last check and severance pay. Luckily I have also been following Lonerwolf for some time, and have worked to heal myself with different modalities than my “therapist”. So this crap-storm hasn’t set me back as much as it could have. Abuse can certainly come from anyone, even the last person you’d expect. Had I listened to my intuition, I could have spared myself this soap opera. But lessons can be learned anywhere, right? Thank you for sharing your fantastic articles and tools. It has helped me save some of my sanity <3