“Emotional violence is another kind of abuse … it’s not about words because an emotionally abusive person doesn’t always resort to using the verbal club, but rather the verbal untraceable poison.” ~ Augusten Burroughs
It was after reading the above passage in a book I recently completed by Augusten Burroughs that I stopped dead in my tracks. Emotional abuse? This concept was something completely new to me. The words settled like lead inside of my head. What I had discovered in those precise few moments, was the exact description for the subtle abuse I was, and still am, facing from my estranged parents. I read on:
They may, in fact, speak very kind words to you. And appear nothing but supportive to those around you. Their covert abuse is administered in small, cunning ways over time. So the impact is gradual, not fist-to-the-eye immediate.
What struck me about this quote is the fact that emotional abusers are very passive, very subtle, very quiet.
The tricky thing with emotional abuse like anything quiet and unobtrusive is that it can be overlooked easily, blending into the background of life. Luckily, however, it can lead traces of something “not being quite right” in your relationships – something wrong that you just can’t quite put your finger on.
My hope is that this article will help introduce, or reintroduce, you to the world of emotional abuse. If you do decide to continue reading, please consider introspecting and reflecting on yourself and the people in your life. It could make all the difference in the world.
Emotional Abuse: The Devil’s Quiet Sister
Emotional abuse is also known as psychological or mental abuse. Its aim is to control, belittle, isolate and shame other people into subservience. This happens little by little over time, so that the victim’s sense of self-worth, self-confidence, self-concept and own ideas and perceptions erode.
Many emotional abusers operate under the guise that they are “teaching”, “advising”, “correcting”, and/or “guiding”, and therefore fly under the radar, spreading their poison for years upon years.
Types of Emotional Abuse
Emotional abuse rarely just involves criticisms or put-downs. I’ve listed some more kinds of abuse below that you should be wary of. Also, be a bit careful when you read this list. For instance, you may find one or two symptoms of emotional abuse apparent in your life, but it doesn’t necessarily make your relationships absolutely and utterly emotionally abusive. The more symptoms you recognize, the more likely you’re experiencing emotional abuse.
1. Control and Domination.
- They may control your money and your spending.
- They may treat you as an inferior person.
- They may make you feel small by reminding you of your faults and shortcomings.
- They may make you feel as though they’re always right, and you’re always wrong.
- You may feel the need to “get permission” for everything you do, or decision you have to make.
- They may give you disapproving, or condescending looks and comments.
- They may “chastise” you, and treat you like a child.
- They may control where you go, who you interact with, and/or what you do.
- They’re excessively possessive and jealous.
2. Isolation and Neglect.
- They may have difficulty taking responsibility for their actions. Instead, they deflect the blame onto you.
- They may have no regard for, and no interest in, the way you feel.
- They may use “the silent treatment” to punish you.
- They may withdraw affection from you to punish you.
- They may become deliberately emotionally distant from you for long periods of time.
- They purposely neglect to share important pieces of information with you.
- They may neglect to give you privacy, or purposely disrespect your boundaries.
3. Bullying and Humiliation.
- They may call you names, or label you.
- They may belittle your success and triumphs.
- They may mock, impersonate or otherwise talk to you in sarcastic ways.
- They may accuse you of things that you never did.
- They may degrade or subtly humiliate you in front of other people.
- They may frequently make jokes at your own expense.
- You may feel intimidated or scared when voicing an opinion.
What to Read & Where to Go to Find Out More
If you are experiencing emotional abuse, or if you’re the one inflicting it, I’ve composed a list of resources that can help assist you with this quiet killer.
- The Emotionally Destructive Relationship by Leslie Vernick
- Emotional Abuse on Helpguide.org (including numbers you can call for help)
- Stories and experiences with emotional abuse (a community)
- Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse by Dr. Gregory L. Jantz
- How To Stop Being Abusive (an article)
- How to Deal With Emotionally Abusive Parents (an article on WikiHow)
I’d appreciate any comments or stories of your own. I read every one of them. ;)
Sometimes the reasons can be very complex and staying safe & well emotionally can be more difficult than simply identifying abuse and isolating yourself from it.
A past relationship became emotionally abusive because my partner at the time developed some kind of disorder- so he was both a victim of that, and an abuser of me – but it wasn’t his fault or mine. I felt really sorry for him and wanted to help, but couldn’t.
I know it was a disorder because he would clearly display disturbed or paranoid thinking during an episode and be very emotional. Then he wouldn’t be able to remember afterwards at all. Often he’d trash the room but then be confused afterwards about the mess as he didn’t remember creating it. He also had an aversion to a lot of physical intimacy, which subsequent partners certainly didn’t have, and he became very depressed.
In the years since I have read descriptions of BPD and the ‘dissociation’ that comes with it & think that’s probably what it was or something similar. He wondered if he might be bipolar, but when we saw a doctor for his depression she just said he was an ‘alpha individual’ and to avoid stress. The severity of the situation wasn’t clear to her because he presented as very calm, bright and loving.
It was difficult to identify what was happening to the man I loved at the time or to recover afterwards. Anyway, I’ve had residues of depression about it for more than 10 years – and I hope soon there will be a lot more support out there for partners of people with BPD or, whatever similar problem he had. It was quite a traumatising thing to see him ‘losing it’ on a regular basis & would give me the silent treatment, or silent phonecalls if I was out, and trash the room. I’m sure it must be even more upsetting if your partner is deliberately cruel and conscious of what they are doing. That just wasn’t really the case with me.
Best
A
Just want to say “ABUSE” is wrong no matter the rhyme or reason. If you are hurting another person it may not be a crime, but it is a sin in the eyes of GOD. It doesn’t matter how many labels you put on them or what group you put them in, they have one purpose to seek whom they can devour. The bible is clear and you don’t have to be religious to know whom is out to steal, kill and destroy. He is the father of this earth and he will never reason with you. He may be an abuser because he was abused, your sister, brother or grandma is no excuse. Mental illness comes from the same source or root. That source is simply the powers of evil spirits. Unless there is brain damage, it is clear evil to inflict pain on anyone and not feel regret. There is only one source that can raise you up from an abusive maniac and that is the one with the power over him. Man can’t fight evil spirits alone or reason with them either. Look to your father in heaven for help. It want be easy but it’s the only solution if you are afraid to leave or if you are unable to leave. I’ve suffered abuse my whole life and believe me you know your abuser better than anyone else. It’s not up to family or friends to decide how to handle your situation. Surely, it’s not your fault if you stay with someone that you know will kill you if you leave. Anyone that says you are weak and allowing abuse if you stay with an abuser is ignorant. The only choice some victims have on a daily basis is to live in hell or die leaving. That is not really a choice at all. Nobody has the right or authority to judge your situation unless they have walked in your shoes in your house. Stand strong, pray and you will survive !!
What’s up, after reading this remarkable paragraph i am also delighted to share my experience here with friends.
Well feeling a bit overwhelmed. I knew sonme of the actions were emotional abusive. However with proper boundaries I think I am making progress especially because what happened in my childhood s being transferred to the children. This seems really bad now ut of control. I was raised within a family where I was the scapegoat in addition my mother made it a point that I was the property of my little sisters(twins). The thing was I had to do whatever they commanded. I th9ught I got past all of that. My relationship with my older sister and one of the twins is severely restricted because of problems they cause. I had moved to a different state for a couple of decades . Guess my hope that things would be somewhat different was unrealistic. However my one little sister seemed to have moved past that idealism that I was less than everyone or so I thought. She offered me a place to live which at the time I desperately need still am in a position not to moved out. Now she has 2 grown daughters who over the past few years have gone back and forth with doing things that were wrong if not abusive. The one neice struggles with addiction. So I had frgiven a lot over the past few years. Right now she is abusing again but she is getting ridiculous along with her sister. Recently i was informed I am to clean after them c0ntinously. My little sister had my older sister take pictures of the basement where my niece who struggles with drug abuse was living to shame me into cleaning up the huge mess she makes. I do not go in the basement because I decided I was not going to cobntinue to clean up crap and stuff when she decided she was going to get clean or whatever. The other thing is they have taken stuff from me even stole clothes that d8id not fit them but because they did not want me to have them or gave them to others. They broke up faNS AND OTHER HOUSEHOLD ITEMS LIKE EATERS AND SUCH THAT i BROUGHT FROM ANOTHER STATE WITH ME. nOW THE YOUNGER NECE TOLD ME THAT i WAS TO GO TO WORK COME HOME AND CLEAN C0NTINOUSLY AND IF i WORK FAST ENOUGH i MIGHT HAVE 10 MINUTES TO READ A BOOK. i WAS NOT TO WATCH TV OR LISTEN TO MUSIC BUT TO CLEAN. tHEN i WAS TO TAKE MY PAYCHECK AND BUY THEM THINGS FOR THE HOUSE LIKE CERTAIN FOODS IF THEY DIDBN;T WANT ME TO EAT THEY WILL TAKE IT ABND LOCK IT IBN THEIR ROOM. sHE JUST KEPT REPEATING THIS WAS THE LIFE i WAS BORN INTO i NEEDED TO ACCEPT IT AND STOP COMPLAINING. i THINK THS S AN EXAMPLE OF SEVERE FAMILY ABUSE…. so I was happy to read this and to validate my feelings that this type of treatment is wrong it is not me… Thank you for posting. I will be finding a way out of this then I will moved to another statre cause I can not continue to stay here as I see it they see me as their slave I see it as it is not a healthy place for me to be. I think I need to just give up that sense of belonginess I strive for all m life .
I was looking for a site to read over. I know that I an suffering from emotional abuse by my family. My sister was sexually abuse by my father and her daughter was sexually abused by my brother. They hate me for just being, the older we get the more they hate me. They/we are distant now since mom is passed on. My father passed on a few years ago and the service was marred as they once again hated me for I guess looking just like him. My brother has been in prison now for 17 years and I go to see him NEVER telling my sister and niece (my niece was 9 and is not 40). I live 10 minutes away from them both but never ever see them. I text on holidays and they respond….so hurt by it all and they feel I do not care because I go to see my brother. I have to forgive him but I shall always remember how this situation has changed my life by just being his daughter and his sister. I have no one to talk too. I hide it all very well, but I think I have been found out by my actions. People think that I have emotional issues – I have to work but some see through me……time to move on.
Ive been dating this guy for 6 yrs., on & off.my needs & wants are only important to him if they co-inside with whatever he feels HE NEEDS OR WANTS..
LATELY, THOUGH, IVE BEEN GIVING BACK TO HIM A LITTLE OF WHAT HES BEEN DISHING OUT…
AND guess what? Now ive become the abuser.He cant say anything to me without me throughing his abuse in his face, sarcasticly ofcourse..
We keep breaking up & getting back together & everytime we get back together less & less of what we ALMOST HAD is ripped even further away..i keep taking him back & saying i forgive, but i make damn sure he knows I WILL NEVER FORGET!
I want to walk away, so bad, but im so afraid that nobody will ever want me again. After all im 52 & not getting any younger, or better looking.
#I’ve become the man i hate to love, but love to hate..HELP ME!!!!
My wife has complete control over my life I cannot do anything without her approval she hates my family even though she contributed to their terrible relationship but takes no fault in it. I cannot speak with my family unless it is on speaker phone and she can hear it. If they call and I am not by her I am not allowed to answer it.
I have no power even when she is wrong she won’t apologize even when she hits me or says horrible things to me. It was my fault that she did those things.
I left the room she was in because she was verbally assaulting me and my son was in the room and I didn’t want him to hear the F word over and over. So when I left she then sent him into the other room and had him tell me “you are a horrible daddy for walking out” I asked him why he would say that and he said because mommy told me too.
I then addressed that with her and instead of her apologizing or admitting that was wrong she simply said well you only listen to him so I will just tell him what to say.
I don’t know how long I can go on but I have children with this person and I fear what she will do if I attempt to leave. I also know that when I am there at least the kids will be loved and told positive things as she is very negative with them.
I am completely under someone’s thumb and don’t know how to protect myself or my kids of the potential backlash I need help to find a voice and a backbone but i have just been beaten down for so long I have no idea where to start.
I moved to a new country over 5 years ago. I met my partner through work and have been together for over four years. I lost my dad a year ago. Though he has been supportive in his way, it is not enough. I went home to the funeral with my brother. The day my dad died my partner said he felt a bit relieved it happened that day not later in the week as he had a big tournament later in the week. I came home to an empty house when I landed back in the country after the funeral as he was at the tournament. I had even asked him to come back early but he didn’t. A year in my work is stressful but I am getting through it. I bring work home and talk too much about it which can lead to us disagreeing. I went to counseling to help with My grief and work stress. But my partner wants to know if I have talked about him. Last night he got really mad because I forgot to control what I talk about and brought up work. He was so angry gave me his solution to my work issues and made it clear if I don’t do that he doesn’t want to hear about my issues any more. His views are so black or white, no space for emotion or feelings. His opinion or thoughts are fact in his eyes. He scares me. He shouted down the phone to his mum when she sold some of her belongings that he had said he wanted. When we were voting in a national election he wanted to know who I was voting form but I find that a private thing and had not made my mind up. But he made it clear if he finds out I voted for the party he hates he will finish it with me. I was brought up in a loving home. Not perfect we fell out over things but we have respect for each other. My parents gave out to us but shouting and screaming was so rare you would have had to have something terrible. But with my partner he raises his voice frequently and snaps at me so often, he gets annoyed and frustrated so easily. It scares me.
The thing you mentioned about your partner being relieved that your father died at a time convenient for his tournament speaks volumes. Someone with empathy would never say that. The hard and honest truth is that if you continue your relationship with your partner, overtime it will affect your sanity, self esteem and self worth. A narcissist by definition lacks empathy. This might be your partner. If you are okay risking your sanity then stay in the relationship. Perhaps he will go for counseling but he doesn’t seem like the type. You should make it a priority to protect your mental health. If you are not financially dependant on him then that gives you a much easier escape.
I’ve been telling my husband he’s emotionally abusive for years or he is a narcissistic personality. Forwarded some information to him about the two, and we both agree he’s an emotional abuser. Has he tried to learn anymore about it and/or how to change interactions with me, no. I’m tired of it, I tried to divorce him years past, but he begged me to come back.. and I did.. like a fool. I love him, and want it to work, but I’m tired. Now I just here on the computer or don’t interact with him at all, which I think he prefers it this way.
I believe I am an abuser.
Why?
I mean, why do you believe this? And if it relates to specific behaviour, why do you do it?
my father has been emotionally abusive for as long as i can remember towards both my mother and myself.my parents have been together for 50 years and my mother denied or covered up the abuse.when i would come home from school at 3 pm
my mother worked until 10 pm to get away from him.and my father would lecture and scream at me til 10 that i was lazy and selfish until my mother came home and then hed scream and lecture her until 4 in the morning.often hed threaten to leave or kill himself and hed make my mother actually grovel at his feet to get him to stay
I’m abused by my father,and can’t get any help,it’s gotten to the point where I’m very ill,and can’t emotionally life myself back up,my dad would call me names,belittle me and blame me for everything I don’t know what to do..I’m dying on the inside..and idk whats going on physically,I just know I’m terribly sick from all the sadness over the years
I am in a marriage with someone that abuses me emotionally. I started to recognise it some time ago but I thought I could ‘help’ them. I learned about psychological conditions, read help books and did as much as I was able to try and help them heal. Many times I tried to involve them in conversation about it and about how we could work on it. Denial and recrimination. This person is a deeply wounded soul, there is no doubt about it. Sadly nothing changed, the behaviour continued and I began to sink into a depressive, empty state, enduring rather than living with joy.
I now realise that I can’t actually heal this person, only they can and that it is time to heal myself. I am disassociating from them now and paving the way to end the relationship, there is no resonance between us now and I feel it is broken beyond repair even were they to change suddenly after all this time. They are confused that i am visibly becoming stronger but continue with the destructive behaviours nonetheless. I am preparing to be painted as the ‘bad guy’ which is likely inevitable but thankfully, in a way, he has isolated me and us so much there isn’t a social group to worry about turning against me.
I still feel love for this person, but as a carer now and not a mate. My only hope is that they will one day find joy in themselves and manage to let go of the negativity with which they currently cloak their being.
I have rediscovered the joy of me suddenly and shall move forward nurturing that.
My soon to be ex-husband does everything on all these lists – crazy. And you are right, it’s subtle, over time the damage adds up and i’m in the process right now of rebuilding who I used to be as a person prior to meeting him at 19. Thanks for posting this.
This reminds me of my mom. Every single time she thinks I’m being aggressive (or in her mind, overpowering), she gives me the silent treatment, mocks me, talks behind my back in Polish, and/or tries to take away my phone and laptop and claims it’s for my own good. I can’t take it.
On top of that she even reminds me to take my meds. I’m sick of it. It rattles me every time it happens. I suffer from anxiety and panic attacks. I also have a form of high functioning autism.
She always makes it all about her, and how she suffers under my abuse. I want to move out so badly, but where would I live? I’m also afraid that I caught onto some of her toxic traits. I love her so much, but, I’m worn out.
I’m currently living with the mother of my 2 children. Both are beautiful boys, Ryan, is 3 months and the Richard is 23 months. The eldest child sometimes can not sleep well, starts crying and suddenly wakes up in the middle of the night and doesn’t want to sleep. The mother who’s not currently working is taking care of Ryan while Richard is at the daycare. He is a lovely boy who loves to dance and enjoys been with other kids and around its friends and family. The problem is that her mother is constantly screaming at him, yelling “don’t do this, don’t do that, don’t throw your food out of the plate, etc etc”. It is a constant, at night she gets mad when Richard cries, she gets so mad to the ping of treating Richard like shit, even throwing him to the bed while screaming like a nuts person “If you keep on crying i’m gonna send you to your crib alone in your room, i need to sleep!” But she says this yelling, screaming loudly that i think the neighbors can hear it. She’s even got to the point that hit him, while in the attempt of making him go to sleep. Last night it got worst, she even got mad if Richard moved his legs, she got so mad that charged at him with the intention of hitting him, i got so scared that i stepped in grab her by her hands and yelled at her “don’t even think about hitting him!” I also while on screaming her at me and me at her grab her by her neck. I don’t think i did good but i certainly don’t know what to do. She is constantly screaming at the kid and i have to talked to her before about is not good the way she is treating the good, even if the kid does something wrong you can not educate your child insanely yelling at him. She calms down for a few days but then she stars doing the same thing. I’ve also kept quiet while looking the way she screams at him, to see if this ways problems don’t get worst than before, last night i just couldn’t hold it, i just couldn’t see how she jumps at the kid with intentions to hit him while i do nothing. I don’t know what to do, some advice is greatly apreciated. Thanks.
See if she is open to family counseling. Try and understand the actual root cause of her aggression. Perhaps she was beat as a kid, or she may have a condition. Its likely that there is an underlying problem. I mean a mentally healthy parent doesn’t scream at a toddler since they understand that will emotionally scar the child. They certainly don’t beat the child (a whip on the butt is considered different by some).
Try to take her on a date or put her in a good mood. Remind her of her good qualities. Affirm her that you care about her. When she gets comfortable and happy let her know that you are worried about her because you care. Ask her why does she think its a good idea to beat and scream at her child. Try and get her to go deep.
Most importantly pray to God to give you clarity and to show you the way. Also pray for her.
Im in a very difficult plsce, my parter stsrted by being abusive and he is changing hus ways, but im broken from the oadt abuse. I feel like i have ptsd after all the emotional abuse i have received from my parents, a, boyfriend and ex husband and niw him. I feel like i have been hurt so much that im constantly triggered and react to certain behaviours or words. I have lost all my self steem and feel lost and confused. I don’t know anymore what a healthy relationship looks like
Thank you for your article, wow it was a light bulb moment reading this.
1yr and half with my man now
Today I feel broken inside, a miserable emotional shell.
He has explosive episodes every 2 weeks over the smallest things. In the beginning I used to apologize to keep the peace, he made me feel like a bad person and I even got to the point of being suicidal a couple of times. I’d tell him how this was affecting me but he would keep going destroying my every being. He didn’t care, he just wanted to get his point across and hammer me down.
First comes the silent treatment, no affection, I dont see him for days or weeks, his anger is relentless, abusive texts (no swearing just put downs and picking me apart, manipulation of my mind, he tries every angle) he attacks me for having affairs, makes up things in his mind that I have done.
yesterday it was 4 hrs of angry texts, my pleas to stop go unheard.
Every girlfriend he’s had is ‘crazy’ I wonder why? Has he pushed them that way?
The lies are non stop, and he never admits when he’s caught out.
In good times he’s the most loving, caring, amazing man I’ve ever met, my soul mate. Oysters and champagne, laughing and fun, movies and cuddles, we fit so perfectly. When he’s happy he spends lavishly, offers to buy things and I refuse but he still goes ahead. Then days later I get punished for it. Tells me I am ungrateful. He booked us a trip, our first one together. Then yesterday cancelled it because he said I haven’t shown I appreciate it enough. Constantly tells me how much money he’s spending on me when I never even ask for it.
He’s got 4 kids and I love them like they are my own, I have one child. Lost my job recently and he’s put me down for not having money, I’m applying for jobs every week and have my own business but it’s slow right now.
Today I took a tough stance with him, asked him to get help with his anger issues and stress. He denies everything, it’s all my fault he says and I’m the cause how of he acts to me.
The hardest thing is saying goodbye to someone who you love so much. I’ve been so patient and kind to him. I’m always reading up to get advice, changing the way I react to situations, giving him space. But at the end of the day I can’t change him and I can’t make him get help if he doesn’t think he needs it.
This stuck in my head the other day.. “You can deny reality but you can’t deny the consequences of denying reality”
Lisa: Google sociopathic traits. He has them all and there’s no treatment. You need to leave.
You should read Psychopath free.. it’s an eye opener!
He is the one with the problems.
Break free heal yourself before you get into another emotional abusive situation.