“Emotional violence is another kind of abuse … it’s not about words because an emotionally abusive person doesn’t always resort to using the verbal club, but rather the verbal untraceable poison.” ~ Augusten Burroughs
It was after reading the above passage in a book I recently completed by Augusten Burroughs that I stopped dead in my tracks. Emotional abuse? This concept was something completely new to me. The words settled like lead inside of my head. What I had discovered in those precise few moments, was the exact description for the subtle abuse I was, and still am, facing from my estranged parents. I read on:
They may, in fact, speak very kind words to you. And appear nothing but supportive to those around you. Their covert abuse is administered in small, cunning ways over time. So the impact is gradual, not fist-to-the-eye immediate.
What struck me about this quote is the fact that emotional abusers are very passive, very subtle, very quiet. I would even go so far as saying … very introverted in their approach. This single moment led me to wonder: is this the introvert’s favored form of abuse? And also … do I unwittingly border on emotional abuse when I’m upset with someone? And also … who else shows signs of being emotionally abusive in my life? I know, I know, it all sounds very intense and extreme, doesn’t it? Guess that’s just me.
The tricky thing with emotional abuse like anything quiet and unobtrusive, is that it can be overlooked easily, blending into the background of life. Luckily however, it can lead traces of something “not being quite right” in your relationships – something wrong that you just can’t quite put your finger on.
My hope is that this article will help introduce, or reintroduce, you to the world of emotional abuse. If you do decide to continue reading, please consider introspecting and reflecting on yourself and the people in your life. It could make all the difference in the world.
Emotional Abuse: The Devil’s Quiet Sister
Emotional abuse is also known as psychological or mental abuse. It’s aim is to control, belittle, isolate and shame other people into subservience. This happens little by little overtime, so that the victim’s sense of self-worth, self-confidence, self-concept and own ideas and perceptions erode.
Many emotional abusers operate under the guise that they are “teaching”, “advising”, “correcting”, and/or “guiding”, and therefore fly under the radar, spreading their poison for years upon years.
Types of Emotional Abuse
Emotional abuse rarely just involves criticisms or put-downs. I’ve listed some more kinds of abuse below that you should be wary of. Also, be a bit careful when you read this list. For instance, you may find one or two symptoms of emotional abuse apparent in your life, but it doesn’t necessarily make your relationships absolutely and utterly emotionally abusive. The more symptoms you recognize, the more likely you’re experiencing emotional abuse.
1. Control and Domination.
- They may control your money and your spending.
- They may treat you as an inferior person.
- They may make you feel small by reminding you of your faults and shortcomings.
- They may make you feel as though they’re always right, and you’re always wrong.
- You may feel the need to “get permission” for every thing you do, or decision you have to make.
- They may give you disapproving, or condescending looks and comments.
- They may “chastise” you, and treat you like a child.
- They may control where you go, who you interact with, and/or what you do.
- They’re excessively possessive and jealous.
2. Isolation and Neglect.
- They may have difficulty taking responsibility for their actions. Instead, they deflect the blame onto you.
- They may have no regard for, and no interest in, the way you feel.
- They may use “the silent treatment” to punish you.
- They may withdraw affection from you to punish you.
- They may become deliberately emotionally distant from you for long periods of time.
- They purposely neglect to share important pieces of information with you.
- They may neglect to give you privacy, or purposely disrespect your boundaries.
3. Bullying and Humiliation.
- They may call you names, or label you.
- They may belittle your success and triumphs.
- They may mock, impersonate or otherwise talk to you in sarcastic ways.
- They may accuse you of things that you never did.
- They may degrade or subtly humiliate you in front of other people.
- They may frequently make jokes at your own expense.
- You may feel intimidated or scared when voicing an opinion.
What to Read & Where to Go to Find Out More
If you are experiencing emotional abuse, or if you’re the one inflicting it, I’ve composed a list of resources that can help assist you with this quiet killer.
- The Emotionally Destructive Relationship by Leslie Vernick
- Emotional Abuse on Helpguide.org (including numbers you can call for help)
- Stories and experiences with emotional abuse (a community)
- Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse by Dr. Gregory L. Jantz
- How To Stop Being Abusive (an article)
- How to Deal With Emotionally Abusive Parents (an article on WikiHow)
I’d appreciate any comments or stories of your own. I read every one of them. ;)
I believe I am an abuser.
my father has been emotionally abusive for as long as i can remember towards both my mother and myself.my parents have been together for 50 years and my mother denied or covered up the abuse.when i would come home from school at 3 pm
my mother worked until 10 pm to get away from him.and my father would lecture and scream at me til 10 that i was lazy and selfish until my mother came home and then hed scream and lecture her until 4 in the morning.often hed threaten to leave or kill himself and hed make my mother actually grovel at his feet to get him to stay
I’m abused by my father,and can’t get any help,it’s gotten to the point where I’m very ill,and can’t emotionally life myself back up,my dad would call me names,belittle me and blame me for everything I don’t know what to do..I’m dying on the inside..and idk whats going on physically,I just know I’m terribly sick from all the sadness over the years
I am in a marriage with someone that abuses me emotionally. I started to recognise it some time ago but I thought I could ‘help’ them. I learned about psychological conditions, read help books and did as much as I was able to try and help them heal. Many times I tried to involve them in conversation about it and about how we could work on it. Denial and recrimination. This person is a deeply wounded soul, there is no doubt about it. Sadly nothing changed, the behaviour continued and I began to sink into a depressive, empty state, enduring rather than living with joy.
I now realise that I can’t actually heal this person, only they can and that it is time to heal myself. I am disassociating from them now and paving the way to end the relationship, there is no resonance between us now and I feel it is broken beyond repair even were they to change suddenly after all this time. They are confused that i am visibly becoming stronger but continue with the destructive behaviours nonetheless. I am preparing to be painted as the ‘bad guy’ which is likely inevitable but thankfully, in a way, he has isolated me and us so much there isn’t a social group to worry about turning against me.
I still feel love for this person, but as a carer now and not a mate. My only hope is that they will one day find joy in themselves and manage to let go of the negativity with which they currently cloak their being.
I have rediscovered the joy of me suddenly and shall move forward nurturing that.
My soon to be ex-husband does everything on all these lists – crazy. And you are right, it’s subtle, over time the damage adds up and i’m in the process right now of rebuilding who I used to be as a person prior to meeting him at 19. Thanks for posting this.
This reminds me of my mom. Every single time she thinks I’m being aggressive (or in her mind, overpowering), she gives me the silent treatment, mocks me, talks behind my back in Polish, and/or tries to take away my phone and laptop and claims it’s for my own good. I can’t take it.
On top of that she even reminds me to take my meds. I’m sick of it. It rattles me every time it happens. I suffer from anxiety and panic attacks. I also have a form of high functioning autism.
She always makes it all about her, and how she suffers under my abuse. I want to move out so badly, but where would I live? I’m also afraid that I caught onto some of her toxic traits. I love her so much, but, I’m worn out.
I’m currently living with the mother of my 2 children. Both are beautiful boys, Ryan, is 3 months and the Richard is 23 months. The eldest child sometimes can not sleep well, starts crying and suddenly wakes up in the middle of the night and doesn’t want to sleep. The mother who’s not currently working is taking care of Ryan while Richard is at the daycare. He is a lovely boy who loves to dance and enjoys been with other kids and around its friends and family. The problem is that her mother is constantly screaming at him, yelling “don’t do this, don’t do that, don’t throw your food out of the plate, etc etc”. It is a constant, at night she gets mad when Richard cries, she gets so mad to the ping of treating Richard like shit, even throwing him to the bed while screaming like a nuts person “If you keep on crying i’m gonna send you to your crib alone in your room, i need to sleep!” But she says this yelling, screaming loudly that i think the neighbors can hear it. She’s even got to the point that hit him, while in the attempt of making him go to sleep. Last night it got worst, she even got mad if Richard moved his legs, she got so mad that charged at him with the intention of hitting him, i got so scared that i stepped in grab her by her hands and yelled at her “don’t even think about hitting him!” I also while on screaming her at me and me at her grab her by her neck. I don’t think i did good but i certainly don’t know what to do. She is constantly screaming at the kid and i have to talked to her before about is not good the way she is treating the good, even if the kid does something wrong you can not educate your child insanely yelling at him. She calms down for a few days but then she stars doing the same thing. I’ve also kept quiet while looking the way she screams at him, to see if this ways problems don’t get worst than before, last night i just couldn’t hold it, i just couldn’t see how she jumps at the kid with intentions to hit him while i do nothing. I don’t know what to do, some advice is greatly apreciated. Thanks.
Im in a very difficult plsce, my parter stsrted by being abusive and he is changing hus ways, but im broken from the oadt abuse. I feel like i have ptsd after all the emotional abuse i have received from my parents, a, boyfriend and ex husband and niw him. I feel like i have been hurt so much that im constantly triggered and react to certain behaviours or words. I have lost all my self steem and feel lost and confused. I don’t know anymore what a healthy relationship looks like
Thank you for your article, wow it was a light bulb moment reading this.
1yr and half with my man now
Today I feel broken inside, a miserable emotional shell.
He has explosive episodes every 2 weeks over the smallest things. In the beginning I used to apologize to keep the peace, he made me feel like a bad person and I even got to the point of being suicidal a couple of times. I’d tell him how this was affecting me but he would keep going destroying my every being. He didn’t care, he just wanted to get his point across and hammer me down.
First comes the silent treatment, no affection, I dont see him for days or weeks, his anger is relentless, abusive texts (no swearing just put downs and picking me apart, manipulation of my mind, he tries every angle) he attacks me for having affairs, makes up things in his mind that I have done.
yesterday it was 4 hrs of angry texts, my pleas to stop go unheard.
Every girlfriend he’s had is ‘crazy’ I wonder why? Has he pushed them that way?
The lies are non stop, and he never admits when he’s caught out.
In good times he’s the most loving, caring, amazing man I’ve ever met, my soul mate. Oysters and champagne, laughing and fun, movies and cuddles, we fit so perfectly. When he’s happy he spends lavishly, offers to buy things and I refuse but he still goes ahead. Then days later I get punished for it. Tells me I am ungrateful. He booked us a trip, our first one together. Then yesterday cancelled it because he said I haven’t shown I appreciate it enough. Constantly tells me how much money he’s spending on me when I never even ask for it.
He’s got 4 kids and I love them like they are my own, I have one child. Lost my job recently and he’s put me down for not having money, I’m applying for jobs every week and have my own business but it’s slow right now.
Today I took a tough stance with him, asked him to get help with his anger issues and stress. He denies everything, it’s all my fault he says and I’m the cause how of he acts to me.
The hardest thing is saying goodbye to someone who you love so much. I’ve been so patient and kind to him. I’m always reading up to get advice, changing the way I react to situations, giving him space. But at the end of the day I can’t change him and I can’t make him get help if he doesn’t think he needs it.
This stuck in my head the other day.. “You can deny reality but you can’t deny the consequences of denying reality”