Emotional violence is another kind of abuse … it’s not about words because an emotionally abusive person doesn’t always resort to using the verbal club, but rather the verbal untraceable poison. – Augusten Burroughs
It was after reading the above passage in a book I recently completed by Augusten Burroughs that I stopped dead in my tracks. Emotional abuse? This concept was something completely new to me. The words settled like lead inside of my head. What I had discovered in those precise few moments, was the exact description for the subtle abuse I was, and still am, facing from my estranged parents. I read on:
They may, in fact, speak very kind words to you. And appear nothing but supportive to those around you. Their covert abuse is administered in small, cunning ways over time. So the impact is gradual, not fist-to-the-eye immediate.
What struck me about this quote is the fact that emotional abusers are very passive, very subtle, very quiet.
The tricky thing with emotional abuse like anything quiet and unobtrusive is that it can be overlooked easily, blending into the background of life. Luckily, however, it can lead traces of something “not being quite right” in your relationships – something wrong that you just can’t quite put your finger on.
My hope is that this article will help introduce, or reintroduce, you to the world of emotional abuse. If you do decide to continue reading, please consider introspecting and reflecting on yourself and the people in your life. It could make all the difference in the world.
Emotional Abuse: The Devil’s Quiet Sister
Emotional abuse is also known as psychological or mental abuse. Its aim is to control, belittle, isolate and shame other people into subservience. This happens little by little over time, so that the victim’s sense of self-worth, self-confidence, self-concept and own ideas and perceptions erode.
Many emotional abusers operate under the guise that they are “teaching”, “advising”, “correcting”, and/or “guiding”, and therefore fly under the radar, spreading their poison for years upon years.
Types of Emotional Abuse
Emotional abuse rarely just involves criticisms or put-downs. I’ve listed some more kinds of abuse below that you should be wary of. Also, be a bit careful when you read this list. For instance, you may find one or two symptoms of emotional abuse apparent in your life, but it doesn’t necessarily make your relationships absolutely and utterly emotionally abusive. The more symptoms you recognize, the more likely you’re experiencing emotional abuse.
1. Control and Domination.
- They may control your money and your spending.
- They may treat you as an inferior person.
- They may make you feel small by reminding you of your faults and shortcomings.
- They may make you feel as though they’re always right, and you’re always wrong.
- You may feel the need to “get permission” for everything you do, or decision you have to make.
- They may give you disapproving, or condescending looks and comments.
- They may “chastise” you, and treat you like a child.
- They may control where you go, who you interact with, and/or what you do.
- They’re excessively possessive and jealous.
2. Isolation and Neglect.
- They may have difficulty taking responsibility for their actions. Instead, they deflect the blame onto you.
- They may have no regard for, and no interest in, the way you feel.
- They may use “the silent treatment” to punish you.
- They may withdraw affection from you to punish you.
- They may become deliberately emotionally distant from you for long periods of time.
- They purposely neglect to share important pieces of information with you.
- They may neglect to give you privacy, or purposely disrespect your boundaries.
3. Bullying and Humiliation.
- They may call you names, or label you.
- They may belittle your success and triumphs.
- They may mock, impersonate or otherwise talk to you in sarcastic ways.
- They may accuse you of things that you never did.
- They may degrade or subtly humiliate you in front of other people.
- They may frequently make jokes at your own expense.
- You may feel intimidated or scared when voicing an opinion.
What to Read & Where to Go to Find Out More
If you are experiencing emotional abuse, or if you’re the one inflicting it, I’ve composed a list of resources that can help assist you with this quiet killer.
- The Emotionally Destructive Relationship by Leslie Vernick
- Emotional Abuse on Helpguide.org (including numbers you can call for help)
- Stories and experiences with emotional abuse (a community)
- Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse by Dr. Gregory L. Jantz
- How To Stop Being Abusive (an article)
- How to Deal With Emotionally Abusive Parents (an article on WikiHow)
I’d appreciate any comments or stories of your own. I read every one of them. ;)
I think this is my life?
Oh God, I’m shocked. I think I’ve been emotionally abusing my father. I’m doing so many things on the list like telling him he’s stupid. And that I’m always right, then giving him looks when he does something wrong. And he himself has said he feels confused what to say because of my unpredictable, (to him) behaviour I guess. I also give him the silent treatment and demand to control how and with whom he spends his time. Oh God, this sucks. Now I really need to do some serious work on myself again.
I feel I am now to the point where one more petty text or call to my parents (whom I’ve been living with for 3 yrs as a single mother with my three children, all under 12 yrs old) will just be the final abuse that I can no longer after yrs of their covert abuse of manipulation, gaslighting, mental & emotional, isolation, cruel ways. I’m always on the defense & their always on the offense. It’s just very a lonely existence i start to believe maybe they’re right, tho I know deep down that they are NOT! I’m just tired of fighting this fucked up battle and think maybe if I’m not here then my kids will be to persevere (cause my “issues” are hindering them and I’ve been deemed selfish) …I just don’t know what to do.
Edit:
*final abuse that I can no longer take anymore and just end it.
Ugh! So many typos up there…sorry!!
EDIT AGAIN:
*…one more petty text/call FROM MY THREE OLDER SISTERS (btw, I’m 35 & youngest out of 4 girls)
Hi Leah,
It sounds as though you need to get out of that toxic environment ASAP. As for you not being here, but your children being here, I can tell you straight away that you NOT being here will be a greater horror to your children than you being here. No matter how many issues you have, your children need you. Have you tried talking to a counselor? There are many hotlines out there for those undergoing emotional distress. There are some good numbers at the end of this article: https://www.psychguides.com/guides/mental-health-hotline/ if you need immediate support.
Wishing you strength and courage,
Luna
I just ended a two year relationship, and I can say that I’ve experienced almost everything on that list, except for one or two things.
My exgirlfriend is bipolar, and suffers from other mental health disorders. Plus a lot of trauma from her life, which she self-medicate for. She’s always told me that she has one foot out the door in relationships, because she expects to be heartbroken. I guess I’m just not sure if she was gaslighting me, or if she was just constantly testing my endurance in our relationship.
I’ve tried everything I could to be supportive and understanding, to the point where I put my own life on hold to take care of her when she felt like the world was crashing down around her, which I didn’t mind because I could see how she grew as a person, and got her self confidence back. I felt like i had met my soulmate.
From the beginning though she was very jealous, and possessive. I felt like everytime we where not together, she was expecting me to be unfaithful. One time she even accused me of having an affair with my best friend, because my phone had run out of power, and she couldn’t couldn’t call me the rest of the night! At other times, she would to cross-examine me about girls on my fb. Some had post a like on my posts others were old friends I barely talked to anymore. She wanted me to delete these persons, which I did after failing to get her to understand that they where just friends. She told me me, that that’s what you do in a relationship. Of course, that only applied to me.
On the other hand, when i tried to tell her that her overtly flirting behavior with guys that literally posted that they wanted to have sex with her on her Facebook profile was very disrespectful to me and our relationship, I got brushed aside. I was told I was overly sensitive, that I was stalking her, or that i was blowing things out of proportion. Not to mention all the times she was with another man, when we had a fight, which she convinced me was my doing, like it was my doing she started taking xanax again, and drinking and what not. Everything was my fault, it seemed. In the end I told myself that she was probably right, and agreed to not say anything more about any of it. But we got more and more distant because I just didn’t feel like I could speak my mind about anything, without my words being twisted or told I was not measuring up.
It was not all bad, there’s a hundred things I could mention about her that I love, but in the end I just had had enough of being told I was worth less than dirt, being taken for granted and mind-fucked, even though I did everything I could to make her happy. Probably more than than I should.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to write a novel. I guess I just needed to write it down and get it out of my system. I guess I’m trying to understand what went wrong.
Best regards, Thomas
I know how you feel
My father has done about 10 things on this list to me ever since I was a child and it’s never stopped. I’m 32 still living at home with no career. The effects have been utterly devistating to me. It resulted in me being sexually molested at a young age due to my inadequate self esteem. I’ve never really had any friends. I’ve never had a girlfriend that I actually wanted or was attracted to in the slightest. I am hopelessly addicted to nicotine, caffeine, marijuana, alcohol, and I would probably take anything honestly. I have not saved a penny in over 10 years. My physical health is failing and I will not last much longer. Then he will have succeeded in what he has been working on- to kill me. I have firmly established that he is a terrible person and that he hates me. It has culminated in today me finally telling him that I hate him and it’s over. Death will come for everyone.. and some people have mostly suffering their entire lives.
God, you sound similar to me. I’m 36 and still miserably living with parents, it’s sad. LOL I have two older brothers, both them and my parents do these things. I have suffered from severe depression and have had multiple suicide attempts and yet they do this knowing the possible out come. And yes any psychologist defends them and criticises me. I have had this occur and bullying in most jobs I have had and nearly every so called friend etc. It makes you hate intensely, I have come to hate people and the world. And they wonder how and why people snap and go on rampages. lol
Thank you for this article. I’ve been suffering in an emotionally abusive marriage for 21 years. A little over a year ago I got so sick and my body became so riddled with pain that I nearly died. I went to every doctor and specialist out there and no one could find anything wrong with me that was visible after many many scans, MRI, blood work, even holistic Integrative Medicine. By the hand of God I was lead to look into mind-body illnesses. It was through that process that I discovered the truth of my situation as I had to become very introspective. It has been a battle since then. I have asked him to leave for the second time. It has been nearly two months. I feel Stronger Everyday. As I try to interact with him over smaller things for our children I realize more and more what he does to me. So, I’ve decided to go minimal contact. I only discuss with him how he will spend time with the kids and when I have to do that I am very quick to get off of the phone and not share anything personal or engage in any real conversation. Narcissistic emotional abuse nearly killed me. I was blind to it for 21 years. I just knew I didn’t feel good and it didn’t feel right. I’m emotionally numb and my body is riddled with unexplainable pain. But I believe that I will heal. I will not only survive; I will Thrive. Another book that I would recommend is called ‘when loving him is hurting you’. I cannot remember the author at the moment. But if you Google the book title you should easily be able to find it. I bought my copy from Amazon.
Thank you for your articles; they are thoughtful and I can see and feel your sincerity. I grew up in the Mormon faith and see that many unhealthy patterns of thinking and self-doubt still exist. I’ve always deferred to the leaders for truth; I was never right if they were right. I just left a very emotionally abusive relationship. The woman accused me of cheating for texting female friends and colleagues. She would turn on a dime as far as moods and anger. Being fine one minute and then angry and accusing me the next. I felt constantly attacked and was blamed for her anger. After 7 months of this pattern of behavior, I could no longer stand it. I told her off and let out all my pent-up anger toward her for constantly blaming me for her insecurity. When she would leave my home and go to her home in a different state, we would both start talking with other people. Here’s the difference – it was justified by her, and I was the one who had ‘many women’ in my life. She would do the same things and I was to blame. My esteem to a huge dive and I have to admit that I’m feeling very low. Finally, it was all my fault and she abandoned me, not even telling me, just removing all her remaining cloths from my house without telling me her motives of never seeing me again. I believe she was borderline personality. She was the most controlling woman in my life, ever. I knew I should have left her 6 months ago, but she had a very sweet side to her. I feel a deep sense of being used, betrayed, and worthless because of being with this woman. She also left another man, prior to me, and told everyone he was abusive. She manipulated my emotions and used me. I know I need to heal. I tried to help her with her depression, get her life together, and she would tell me how much she loved me but turn on me the minute her insecurities screamed that I was cheating (I wasn’t – just talking to females I know). I felt like a child. She wanted to check my phone, social media, and I was always the one wrong. She never saw her side. I am guilty of getting extremely angry and telling her off about her inequality of rules. She messed with my head by telling me she loved me, wanted to spend New Year’s eve. together, and then had no intention of doing so (she took all her belongings). My head is rattled; I blame myself for my angry venting of her double standards (i.e., it was ok for her to talk to ex boyfriends; but I was cheating if I talked to a woman). She attempted suicide or had ideations on more than one occasion.
Ive been married for 30yrs almost.Got with my husband at age 14 and hes 9yrs older than me.Two children & 2 grand! It wasnt till about 7-8 yrs ago when i noticed the not rite feeling in my gut,meth being a major factor i hope in being gaslighted?
All though that factor is gone im still very hurt with looseing a sister that took part in manipulating me and i want to keep my husband?
Is there any documented cases such as mine and or is there any rite way of getting through to the only man youve ever loved , so he can see from the outside in on how obvious it is after 7yrs that he is the one sending messages from my emails as me
Editing, redirecting, deleting my contacts making alias accounts connected to mine ect–
4 different cell fon companies later that will not help you with 3rd party applications , no return senders or phisming sites.
How can i make him see so he can want to help me save us.
I’ve been estranged from both of my parents now for over one year. I only just turned 21. My relationship with my father was always toxic and I knew that; my mother, though, came as a complete surprise. It was like all at once I realized her own toxicity and control over me. I dismissed it all before as my mother just being a mother…protective, over-bearing, intrusive, stubborn. But then everything changed. I saw her standing outside my bedroom door when I spoke on the phone, listening in on my conversations. I suddenly felt the invasion of her insisting I leave my bedroom and bathroom door unlocked at all times, often coming in while I was changing or completely naked. I realized she never let me drive not because she just wanted to do my a favor, but because she didn’t want me learning how to do it on my own (I didn’t actually learn how to drive until I was 19 after I separated from her). I thought her encouragement in school was because she wanted me to succeed, but soon I felt that she only showed me affection when I did something academically spectacular like a show pony. I felt like she grew increasingly jealous of my boyfriends…I never understood why. Then things all just hit a breaking point. She went insane. Started accusing me of doing drugs, stealing from her, etc. Started taking my phone for long periods of time and not letting me have contact with anyone. Which might be an acceptable if you’re a teen, but I was in college…and oh yeah, I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING WRONG. I was literally the most goofy two shoes kid ever. She verbally berated me every day. It got to where I wouldn’t even leave my room. I had dishes piled up by the door because I knew I’d I went outside she would start attacking me again. I became depressed, and she yelled at me for that, too, because she said I was “only acting like that” because I knew it would hurt her. It went on and on and on…until I snuck away and got a dorm in college. Things just fell apart after that. She started following me around on campus, into my school buildings to “talk” to me. She kept putting things on my car and trying to find me. I was afraid of her. One day I just cut it all off, and I haven’t spoken to her since. Everyone tells me I should be over it by now and just go home to my “mommy” because she “misses” me. I just can’t. With the holidays getting closer, I feel so confused like I SHOULD go back to her because she’s my mother. But I just remember what she did to me (and what I’ve listed is the PG stuff…it was so much worse…). I appreciate reading stories like this online, from people who are also estranged from their parents so I know I’m not crazy for doing this. It makes me feel less alone.
Nice Post. Thanks!
Thank you so much for explaining what I could not put into words that happened to me. I wish you eternal happiness. My father never called me a whore but it was passively implied. My mom was cold and distant and didn’t see any problems. At 16 they sent me to therapy because OF COURSE I WAS THE FAMILY PROBLEM. I couldn’t put into words to the therapist the exact problem. I’m 50 yrs old now. I hope younger people get help sooner.