Emotional violence is another kind of abuse … it’s not about words because an emotionally abusive person doesn’t always resort to using the verbal club, but rather the verbal untraceable poison. – Augusten Burroughs
It was after reading the above passage in a book I recently completed by Augusten Burroughs that I stopped dead in my tracks. Emotional abuse? This concept was something completely new to me. The words settled like lead inside of my head. What I had discovered in those precise few moments, was the exact description for the subtle abuse I was, and still am, facing from my estranged parents. I read on:
They may, in fact, speak very kind words to you. And appear nothing but supportive to those around you. Their covert abuse is administered in small, cunning ways over time. So the impact is gradual, not fist-to-the-eye immediate.
What struck me about this quote is the fact that emotional abusers are very passive, very subtle, very quiet.
The tricky thing with emotional abuse like anything quiet and unobtrusive is that it can be overlooked easily, blending into the background of life. Luckily, however, it can lead traces of something “not being quite right” in your relationships – something wrong that you just can’t quite put your finger on.
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My hope is that this article will help introduce, or reintroduce, you to the world of emotional abuse. If you do decide to continue reading, please consider introspecting and reflecting on yourself and the people in your life. It could make all the difference in the world.
Emotional Abuse: The Devil’s Quiet Sister
Emotional abuse is also known as psychological or mental abuse. Its aim is to control, belittle, isolate and shame other people into subservience. This happens little by little over time, so that the victim’s sense of self-worth, self-confidence, self-concept and own ideas and perceptions erode.
Many emotional abusers operate under the guise that they are “teaching”, “advising”, “correcting”, and/or “guiding”, and therefore fly under the radar, spreading their poison for years upon years.
Types of Emotional Abuse
Emotional abuse rarely just involves criticisms or put-downs. I’ve listed some more kinds of abuse below that you should be wary of. Also, be a bit careful when you read this list. For instance, you may find one or two symptoms of emotional abuse apparent in your life, but it doesn’t necessarily make your relationships absolutely and utterly emotionally abusive. The more symptoms you recognize, the more likely you’re experiencing emotional abuse.
1. Control and Domination.
- They may control your money and your spending.
- They may treat you as an inferior person.
- They may make you feel small by reminding you of your faults and shortcomings.
- They may make you feel as though they’re always right, and you’re always wrong.
- You may feel the need to “get permission” for everything you do, or decision you have to make.
- They may give you disapproving, or condescending looks and comments.
- They may “chastise” you, and treat you like a child.
- They may control where you go, who you interact with, and/or what you do.
- They’re excessively possessive and jealous.
2. Isolation and Neglect.
- They may have difficulty taking responsibility for their actions. Instead, they deflect the blame onto you.
- They may have no regard for, and no interest in, the way you feel.
- They may use “the silent treatment” to punish you.
- They may withdraw affection from you to punish you.
- They may become deliberately emotionally distant from you for long periods of time.
- They purposely neglect to share important pieces of information with you.
- They may neglect to give you privacy, or purposely disrespect your boundaries.
3. Bullying and Humiliation.
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- They may call you names, or label you.
- They may belittle your success and triumphs.
- They may mock, impersonate or otherwise talk to you in sarcastic ways.
- They may accuse you of things that you never did.
- They may degrade or subtly humiliate you in front of other people.
- They may frequently make jokes at your own expense.
- You may feel intimidated or scared when voicing an opinion.
What to Read & Where to Go to Find Out More
If you are experiencing emotional abuse, or if you’re the one inflicting it, I’ve composed a list of resources that can help assist you with this quiet killer.
- The Emotionally Destructive Relationship by Leslie Vernick
- Emotional Abuse on Innerbody (including numbers you can call for help)
- Stories and experiences with emotional abuse (a community)
- Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse by Dr. Gregory L. Jantz
- How to Deal With Emotionally Abusive Parents (an article on WikiHow)
I’d appreciate any comments or stories of your own. I read every one of them. ;)
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Something that is becoming epidemic in our society today is the emotional abuse of grandparents. It is abuse to the grandchildren also and is more common than people realize. The parents punish the grandparents by keeping the children from them. The kids don’t know what happened to their loving grandparents…did they just stop loving me? It is a passive aggressive way to control and punish the grandparents. It is sick and an awful, devastating experience.
No respect for people anymore. No one talks about it, like the grandparents ought be ashamed! Who should be ashamed and put on the public square for viewing? The selfish, controlling parents who think it’s ok to devastate their own children to get what they want. Abuse comes in many forms, but take away the “little loves of my life” and you damn near snuff out my life.
I am glad that mental and emotional abuse is being discussed and treated like a real form of abuse, because it is. My parents divorced shortly after I was born. I lived at my mom’s and went to visit my father in occasion. I loved my father, but I never felt safe or comfotable at his house. As a young child I would scream and throw temper tantrums about not wanting to go to my dad’s house. I never told my mother why I didn’t want to go until I was a teenager. He belittled me little by little until I felt that the gum under my shoe was more important than myself. He constantly would point out every negative thing I did and get extremely aggressive. I almost never knew what I did wrong, but always thought it was my fault. Why couldn’t I just be the good kid he wanted? But my mom faught for me to get my freedom. I haven’t seen my father in almost three and a half years, yet he still gets to me. I question on if I over exaggerated the abuse or if it was right to leave. The hardest part is dispite the way he made me feel I still love him. I don’t want to love him, I don’t even want to like him. I know what he did was wrong but I always wonder if I could have done something else to have prevented it. The pain he caused me might have stoped but I can still hear his voice calling me worthless. The pain of me,tal and emotion abuse is real and it must be stoped because it haunts people for the rest of many people’s lives.
You know, people talk about the person being emotionally abused being accused of pulling back, not be affectionate, not giving the abuser the strokes they need, that’s why it is Ok for them to abuse us in their narcissistic ways. However, how can a abused person feel anything but contempt and after years of abuse, eventual resentment toward the abuser? I owe him nothing, I do not deserve the abuse, even if I were at times wrong. No one deserves to be disrespected; especially by someone who is suppose to love them and be their friend. The emotional abuser is anything but a friend…
I have a sister who has been emotionally abusive to me for many years. One of her favorite methods is shaming and she likes to tell me the negative comments other people make about me. Often the other people are family members so it is especially hurtful to me. Today I have decided I just can’t allow her to abuse me anymore and I need to cut the emotional strings. In essence, I’m done.
I think the best thing to do is just to talk to the person with an open heart, if it’s a loved one just feel their intention, it’s not neccesarily intentional to be abusive to you, but they’re hurt themselves so it’s a way of them communicating this to you. Just because you are conscious, they may not be, or they haven’t come to that realisation because you simply haven’t talked and got to that point together. They may not be the type of people to Google they’re thoughts and feelings so you have to remember not everyone is aware of how they are being treated and how they are treating others. I remember being unaware while I was receiving the abuse. I couldn’t even explain it in simple words until I left and calmed my mind, but now I’ve left I realise I need to go back and make it right.
On the other hand if it’s a friend who’s abusive, you need to stop allowing them to abuse you. Change the way you are around them, how you react and how you allow them to talk to you, this will build confidence and major strength in a matter of seconds. You need to show them you’re confident and don’t ‘need’ them, then it will stop. But it HAS to be from a place within you that is pure, and not from a childish place like if you were to be sarcastic. Have the courage to say what you want with confidence, they will then realise that you command respect and they will have to respect you.
Instead of communicating our problems online, we need to communicate them to eachother.
If you don’t you’ll spend your life running away from those types of people because you’ll attract them no matter what, face it now and move on.
Think about it, if you run away and avoid an abusive person, how do you feel? You feel attacked and hurt, so, weak, essentially. Remember, the person treated you badly because you let them so if you don’t find inner strength now you remain weak, only attracting the same situation over and over. While being in this state you can only attract the same situation because the vibration remains the same and people will read your vulnerability. And what have you learnt other that when you come into this situation with people the thing to do is run away? Doesn’t sound right to me.
Again: If you don’t deal with it now you’ll spend your life running away from those types of
people because you’ll attract them no matter what, face it now and move
on. Not only will you learn and grow yourself but so will your so called ‘abuser’. Remember we’re all human at the end of the day. Stop looking for excuses and stop being a victim and follow your inner strength.
The WikiHow article speaks heavily about both saving your money for a new place to stay as well as turning to your friends for support. My ‘recommendations for ways to help improve the article’ is as follows — “Who does one contact, or what method does one pursue, to get out of a parent-to-offspring abusive relationship? I’m twenty-six years old, I’m without a confidant of any kind (as I’ve been socially retarded my entire life), I have no education, no source of income and I was never taught how to drive.”
– AMLeedle@GMail.com
The WikiHow article speaks heavily about both saving your money for a new place to stay as well as turning to your friends for support. My ‘recommendations for ways to help improve the article’ is as follows — “Who does one contact, or what method does one pursuit, to get out of a parent-to-offspring abusive relationship? I’m twenty-six years old, I’m without a confidant of any kind (as I’ve been socially retarded my entire life), I have no education, no source of income and I was never taught how to drive.”
– AMLeedle@GMail.com
I sent you a question regarding my comment being hidden. Can someone please direct me to a link detailing your terms of service and, at the same time, try their best to describe to me exactly which of those terms my comment has violated?
The WikiHow article speaks heavily about both saving your money for a new place to stay as well as turning to your friends for support. My ‘recommendations for ways to help improve the article’ is as follows — Who does one contact, or what method does one pursuit, to get out of a parent-to-offspring abusive relationship? I’m twenty-six years old, I’m without a confidant of any kind (as I’ve been socially retarded my entire life), I have no education, no source of income and I was never taught how to drive.”
– AMLeedle@GMail.com