I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone. – Robin Williams
There is a particular type of loneliness not often discussed, but is nevertheless still painfully real.
It’s the feeling that no one truly sees you.
It’s the feeling of being surrounded by others, but knowing that none of them witnesses, hears, or understands you.
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Sure, you may strive to do that for them. As an empathic lone wolf, you may act as the counselor, confidant, and caregiver to those who gravitate towards your kindness (within your own limits, while honoring your own solitary nature).
You may see, hear, and feel others deeply.
But then, you realize that no one does that for you. You are a side character in their story, a wallflower on the main stage of their life, a ‘thing’ for them to use to feel better.
Even those who do make somewhat of an effort don’t really understand your quirks, eccentricities, or deeper nature.
You are a curious oddity, an amusing outsider, not someone who can be related to on an authentic and open level.
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What “The Critics” Say
The “tough-skinned” cynics out there might say, “You’re being overly sensitive, snowflake. You’re not that special.”
But this isn’t about specialness. This is about something all humans crave for: deep connection. Which in this age of hyperdisconnectivity is becoming more prevalent.
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The bitter misanthropists out there might say, “Yeah, what do you expect? Humans suck. So stop expecting something from them that you can’t get.”
To which I say, yes, some humans suck. But let’s not get trapped in the black-or-white thinking trap here. Having such a negative approach to humanity only serves to deepen feelings of inner alienation, resentment, and loneliness, which is unhealthy and pointless.
And the clever psychoanalytical-minded folks out there might say, “You have attachment wounds. You need to draw boundaries and cut out of your life everyone who makes you feel that way.”
My response being: that’s not always possible. Sure, you can set boundaries with others. But you can’t always cut people out of your life, especially if you depend on them for a job, housing, or some other fundamental human need.
Also, sometimes burning bridges goes against your innermost values. Sometimes it would do more emotional or psychological harm than good.
So what do we do in situations where we feel like no one truly sees us?
How to Find More Peace When No One Truly Sees You
The truth of the matter is that we have limited control over others. We can’t force them to truly witness us, see, or hear us. We can’t change their behavior.
Unfortunately, many people fall into unconscious psychological games of trying to manipulate others into seeing them (by playing roles such as the complainer, the provocateur, and the martyr). But this is ultimately a waste of time, energy, and sanity.
Here’s a better approach:
Step 1 – Let go of the illusion …
The first step to finding more peace when no one truly sees you is losing the hope of control. Let go of that illusion totally.
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You can’t change others because that must come from within them first.
What you do have control over is your own relationship with yourself.
I’m sure you know this already, but like all truths, it needs to be repeated, sometimes hundreds of times, before truly internalizing it.
You do have control over how much you see yourself – how gentle, kind, and good-humored you are towards yourself when life gets tough, and also when life is going well. So focus on that.
Step 2 – Do this 1-minute practice
Having dealt with the pain of not feeling truly seen, I recommend practicing mirror work.
The beauty of this practice is that it helps you to start fulfilling that deeper need that others haven’t met.
Sure, getting a high-quality (and expensive) therapist or finding a truly attentive and reciprocal person is the ideal situation. But not all of us have that good fortune – nor the time, energy, or money for such endeavors. However, you can learn to do this practice for yourself.
I encourage you to commit to a 1-minute mirror work practice each day. You begin by looking at yourself, straight in the eyes, and saying one of the following statements (or one you make up that resonates with you):
- I see you.
- I see your worth.
- I see and value myself.
- I see, value, love, and respect myself.
I have been doing variations of this practice for about five years now. It has deeply helped me to work through some of my core childhood wounds of feeling unworthy and unlovable.
Place a hand over your chest, gaze at yourself gently, and persist even when the practice feels weird or pointless. You’ll start feeling more at peace with yourself, sometimes immediately, other times after a few days or weeks.
Step 3 – Boundaries
Of course, set boundaries where necessary. As an empathic lone wolf, you naturally draw “energy vampires.” So give yourself the permission not to be the counselor, confidant, or caretaker.
Learn your limits and how to say “no” (I recommend keeping a private list with at least 10-15 variations). Some of my favorite ways to say no include “Thanks for thinking of me, but I won’t be able to,” “I don’t think this is the best fit,” “I’ll have to sit this one out,” “I’ll have to take a rain check,” “I won’t be able to, sorry,” or simply “no thanks.” The grey rock method (aka, be as boring as you can as a form of boundary setting and self-camouflage) is also one of my favorites.
Remember that you are inherently worthy just as you are. You don’t need to play any roles to be lovable or valuable. Sometimes, you don’t even need to give an explanation for why you don’t want to do something. Please internalize that and know your worth.
Step 4 – Discover your core wound and how it undermines you
Often, the desire to be truly seen by another masks a desire to truly be seen by ourselves.
We try to get our needs met by pushing people away or drawing them to us (or both), when really what we need is to understand who we are on a core level, and what causes us to repeatedly enter wounding situations in the first place.
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$3There are roughly five main types of core wounds (inspired by the work of Vienna Pharaon):
- The worthiness wound
- The belonging wound
- The prioritization wound
- The trust wound
- The safety wound
Each of these wounds causes us to behave in certain ways around others, and they’re supported by equally venomous toxic core beliefs.
I help you to discover which of these five core wounds you have, and the top three negative core beliefs you uniquely possess, in my Core Wound Inventory and Belief Deconstruction exercises available in my Soul Work Compass Course. This course offers many deeply illuminating exercises that help you to discover who you are on a Soul level and what your authentic path in life is.
In the meantime, you can ask yourself, “What unconscious belief about myself am I reinforcing by letting myself spend time around those who don’t truly see me?” or “What wound within draws me to those who misunderstand or undervalue me?”
By finding your core wound and working to heal it, you’ll discover that not only do you feel more peace within yourself, but you’ll no longer draw as many vampiric people.
You may even start attracting those who see and appreciate you for who you truly are. While this isn’t always the case, you will nevertheless feel more grounded and less dependent on others truly seeing you or not to feel valuable.
***
Feeling like no one truly sees you is one of the loneliest feelings in the world. It can make you feel invisible, insignificant, isolated, and worthless.
But you’re not alone in feeling this way.
Focus on what is within your control – your actions, your self-perception, and your healing. Become your own best friend, because at the end of the day, that’s who you spend the most time with and what ultimately counts.
Tell me, have you felt this feeling? When does it arise for you? What advice would you give to someone in this situation? I’d love to hear in the comments – you never know who you may help by sharing. ;)
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The loneliness that comes from not feeling truly seen is indeed… unique, to say the least. Being introvert and neurodivergent, I guess it made for a lot of my grief in my younger days. It took me a while to learn about it, to realize that this, too, is a loneliness that worth my attention, one that caused a wound that I need compassion to heal.
I thought I had always been the first to be there for myself – I had always been my first ally, friend, and even lover. But even now, I find myself still learning how I have to do it, again and again, learning this lesson in a new depth… so, thank you for the lovely article. As always, your article often touches me in strangely timely way.
Talk about the mirror practice, though; I have found that as a (strongly suspected) autistic, I don’t always feel comfortable facing myself on the mirror. Especially the eye-contact part; I feel this with other people too, how making eye-contact often feels intrusive.
BUT, I also found that I always feel more comfortable facing my shadow instead of my reflection on the mirror. I remember one night back in college, I probably was tired, lonely, or even depressed – I looked at the wall where a table lamp had cast my shadow on, and I reached out my hand to it while in my heart I declared something along the line of, “I’ll see you soon” or “I won’t ever leave you.” I just thought that it’s something interesting to share.
I notice that I do feel that way sometimes, but the thing is, I don’t mind it much. I do feel that I am not truly seen and unserstood with all my depth, sometimes I am stereotyped by many, sometimes contrastingly. Some view me as a prototype close-minded religious person, others as a confident intellectual hardworker, some as a liberal open-minded sceptic. They, especially close family, fail to address my depth (just like how I do theirs sometiems), and it’s okay most of the time for me. I do actually feel amused sometimes by their blind assumptions on me, but sometimes very irritated. I can’t help but appreciate when someone decide that I am too complex to be put in one frame.
Lonely. I do feel it. But over the few last years, I have practiced a lot of “on-the-wave” relationships. I have learnt to appreciate being an encouraging side-story in many people’s lives. Many of them respected my boundaries, inter-shared laughter, wisdom and meals with me but went on in their life travel. I never heard of them again. Some I did consider a little bit as my dearest friends, but they said they needed a lot of time away. I respect that. While I value a profound relationship, I am no longer desperate for it. That is largely due to what you mentioned here:
“Focus on what is within your control – your actions, your self-perception, and your healing. Become your own best friend, because at the end of the day, that’s who you spend the most time with and what ultimately counts.”
It seems like what I really NEED on a social level is to be among people with shared values and dedication. Profound relationship, for now I can have it for myself.
Thank you for sharing this; I find that you described many things that I also feel but failed to put in words myself. Especially on the part about how I can’t help but be impressed and appreciative of anyone who manage to see that we are too complex to be framed and defined by few short words. As well as the part where I’ve come to accept that there’s still meaning behind an encounter or relationship, even if they are brief, or not frequent or intense. I suppose our commentaries here would be such example;we might not going to hear from each other ever again, but reading your comment have made me strangely warm at this moment, and I’m grateful for that ^^)
So many thruth in your post and the comments. Sets me thinking a geat deal, in a real positive way. Thanks to all of you. Luna and Sol, it’ s been 4 years now that I read your newsletters and it has helped me so much, and I really appreciate that you give so much for free. I’d really like to donate to you but I don’ t know how, since I’ve got no PayPal account. I used to have, 10 years or so ago, but lost access to it and can’t re-install it because in order to create a new password I need to get into the account, which I can’t – I can’t recall the while process but I didn’t get far and always got to a point where I needed the old one. I’m not a digital queen, you see. So if there’s any other way to donate to you, please tell me.
And as for being considered weird by others – that’s fine by me. Just the other day a co-worker of mine asked me why my partner and I don’t live together. We do, but both in his and my home. I told him that we’ve got no internet in my home, an old remote farmhouse, and my partner keeps his home because of the internet. The co-worker was completely baffled. “What, no internet? How can you have no internet? I wouldn’t move anywhere where there’s no internet!” He is young. I am considered a weirdo but that’s fine.
Thanks so much, Sabine. Keep being true to yourself. Life without connection to the internet is necessary for everyone, at least once or twice per month. It’s a wonderful reset! Also, we both really appreciate your desire to support what we do, which as you know, takes a lot of resources to maintain. You can use a credit card, Apple Pay, or Google pay to donate via this link https://Donorbox.org/lonerwolf/ Thank you so much 🙏
It’s good to have a hobby/pastime or something that interests you, that you do on your own because it strengthens your independent solitarian self. You have reason to be, sense of purpose being alone, on your own by yourself, not shame, alienation, disconnect.
But of course this may not come that easy, so maybe it’s time to examine something enjoyable to do in solitude. Take a risk at something new, and if it doesn’t go well, try something else.
This is great advice David, thank you. :)
I fully recognize myself in this description. Actually, I learned to love and value myself through EFT (which I highly recommend). The thing is, I still try to understand why people behave this way, especially after we shared so many special moments… or so I thought. But here is the catch : do people who act from their own core wounds can always understand or explain their behavior ? Looking for answers there seems like a waste of time. Better to read a good book with a nice cup of tea and a purring cat in your lap or take a walk in nature!
“But here is the catch : do people who act from their own core wounds can always understand or explain their behavior ?” – Most people aren’t this self-aware. So, in reality, they aren’t conscious of why they’re thinking, feeling, or behaving the way they are. As you say, it’s much better to derive your sense of joy and satisfaction from what’s within your circle of control, rather than what isn’t (like reading books, taking walks, and drinking tea!).
I made two ceramic plaques for my two adult children this Christmas, one said “Be kind to yourself”, the other said “Be.you.to.the.full.” After making them for someone else I now realize they were for me. I needed to be reminded to be me to the full, and to be kind to myself in the process.
I love this. Often we give to others what we need ourselves. Thank you for sharing Carol 💜
But what about if it’s not other people’s fault per sé? Sometimes it even people who love me can’t quite understand me, because the way I work is so fundamentally different from theirs. Also, I know myself on a very deep level, but often others aren’t willing to plunge that deep, neither in themselves or in others, so you are diving alone. And that gets lonely. But I don’t think there’s anything you can do about it, except wait for the day someone who also does that comes along. And then sticks around long enough for that need to be seen to be satisfied.
Yes, this is a good observation, Finley. Sometimes we aren’t seen even by those who do love us. Also, sometimes we don’t allow ourselves to be seen — we hide behind unconscious beliefs and patterns that bar access to others. At the end of the day, regardless of whether we are seen by others or not, the responsibility dwells with us to see ourselves. That’s all we have control over.
Oh, that’s a good one too. I hadn’t thought about about that, but that’s definitely worth considering.
And about the last bit: yes, that’s true. It sure is better for our sanity, haha
I’ve done all the inner work and tending to my wounds. But in this age, I’m sorry, but humans as a whole are selfish and uncaring dotes. It’s all ME ME ME!! So I maintain my solitude and I avoid all humans except as a necessity and being 74 I know the end is near and I can’t wait to feel its embrace. I refuse to help, care, or even think of another ever again. It’s become, just me and my dog so mote it be. Now please, may we have the swan song.
I think dogs (and many types of animals) see into the heart and soul of humans. So if nothing else, they are here to bear witness.
What I appreciate most about these articles is the depth that resonated with my essence and worldview, and their alignment with reality — for example, the point about paying for therapy. Another point worth highlighting is that we cannot completely distance ourselves from toxic people and environments because of work and social commitments. Above all, we must know ourselves as well as possible and learn to discern what is truly ours and what is merely others’ opinions. This exercise can work wonders; it is a cathartic process of reaffirmation. I don’t use the same phrases, but I try to remember who I am at my core. In fact, I simply let go — of opinions and of fatigue — because empathizing, by giving your spiritual energy to others, can end up exhausting you. That’s why you need time alone to recharge and realign your energies so you don’t feel completely drained. Fortunately, the pain of rejection, exclusion, and alienation has forged my identity and freed me from the need to be seen or validated by others. It’s much more about giving than accumulating. I give only when I am full and willing, from the heart — not out of obligation or habit. Otherwise, I save it for when I am truly whole: mind, body, and spirit.
“ I give only when I am full and willing, from the heart — not out of obligation or habit.” — Brilliant. So many of us need to learn this lesson. I appreciate you sharing this, Hans :)