Feeling Like No One Truly Sees You? Do This to Find More Peace …

I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone. – Robin Williams

There is a particular type of loneliness not often discussed, but is nevertheless still painfully real.

It’s the feeling that no one truly sees you. 

It’s the feeling of being surrounded by others, but knowing that none of them witnesses, hears, or understands you. 

Sure, you may strive to do that for them. As an empathic lone wolf, you may act as the counselor, confidant, and caregiver to those who gravitate towards your kindness (within your own limits, while honoring your own solitary nature).

You may see, hear, and feel others deeply.

But then, you realize that no one does that for you. You are a side character in their story, a wallflower on the main stage of their life, a ‘thing’ for them to use to feel better.

Even those who do make somewhat of an effort don’t really understand your quirks, eccentricities, or deeper nature.

You are a curious oddity, an amusing outsider, not someone who can be related to on an authentic and open level.

What “The Critics” Say

The “tough-skinned” cynics out there might say, “You’re being overly sensitive, snowflake. You’re not that special.”

But this isn’t about specialness. This is about something all humans crave for: deep connection. Which in this age of hyperdisconnectivity is becoming more prevalent. 

The bitter misanthropists out there might say, “Yeah, what do you expect? Humans suck. So stop expecting something from them that you can’t get.”

To which I say, yes, some humans suck. But let’s not get trapped in the black-or-white thinking trap here. Having such a negative approach to humanity only serves to deepen feelings of inner alienation, resentment, and loneliness, which is unhealthy and pointless.

And the clever psychoanalytical-minded folks out there might say, “You have attachment wounds. You need to draw boundaries and cut out of your life everyone who makes you feel that way.”

My response being: that’s not always possible. Sure, you can set boundaries with others. But you can’t always cut people out of your life, especially if you depend on them for a job, housing, or some other fundamental human need.

Also, sometimes burning bridges goes against your innermost values. Sometimes it would do more emotional or psychological harm than good.

So what do we do in situations where we feel like no one truly sees us?

How to Find More Peace When No One Truly Sees You

The truth of the matter is that we have limited control over others. We can’t force them to truly witness us, see, or hear us. We can’t change their behavior.

Unfortunately, many people fall into unconscious psychological games of trying to manipulate others into seeing them (by playing roles such as the complainer, the provocateur, and the martyr). But this is ultimately a waste of time, energy, and sanity.

Here’s a better approach:

Step 1 – Let go of the illusion …

The first step to finding more peace when no one truly sees you is losing the hope of control. Let go of that illusion totally.

You can’t change others because that must come from within them first. 

What you do have control over is your own relationship with yourself. 

I’m sure you know this already, but like all truths, it needs to be repeated, sometimes hundreds of times, before truly internalizing it. 

You do have control over how much you see yourself – how gentle, kind, and good-humored you are towards yourself when life gets tough, and also when life is going well. So focus on that.

Step 2 – Do this 1-minute practice 

Having dealt with the pain of not feeling truly seen, I recommend practicing mirror work.

The beauty of this practice is that it helps you to start fulfilling that deeper need that others haven’t met.

Sure, getting a high-quality (and expensive) therapist or finding a truly attentive and reciprocal person is the ideal situation. But not all of us have that good fortune – nor the time, energy, or money for such endeavors. However, you can learn to do this practice for yourself.

I encourage you to commit to a 1-minute mirror work practice each day. You begin by looking at yourself, straight in the eyes, and saying one of the following statements (or one you make up that resonates with you):

• I see you.
• I see your worth.
• I see and value myself.
• I see, value, love, and respect myself.

I have been doing variations of this practice for about five years now. It has deeply helped me to work through some of my core childhood wounds of feeling unworthy and unlovable.

Place a hand over your chest, gaze at yourself gently, and persist even when the practice feels weird or pointless. You’ll start feeling more at peace with yourself, sometimes immediately, other times after a few days or weeks.

Step 3 – Boundaries

Of course, set boundaries where necessary. As an empathic lone wolf, you naturally draw “energy vampires.” So give yourself the permission not to be the counselor, confidant, or caretaker.

Learn your limits and how to say “no” (I recommend keeping a private list with at least 10-15 variations). Some of my favorite ways to say no include “Thanks for thinking of me, but I won’t be able to,” “I don’t think this is the best fit,” “I’ll have to sit this one out,” “I’ll have to take a rain check,” “I won’t be able to, sorry,” or simply “no thanks.” The grey rock method (aka, be as boring as you can as a form of boundary setting and self-camouflage) is also one of my favorites.

Remember that you are inherently worthy just as you are. You don’t need to play any roles to be lovable or valuable. Sometimes, you don’t even need to give an explanation for why you don’t want to do something. Please internalize that and know your worth.

Step 4 – Discover your core wound and how it undermines you

Often, the desire to be truly seen by another masks a desire to truly be seen by ourselves. 

We try to get our needs met by pushing people away or drawing them to us (or both), when really what we need is to understand who we are on a core level, and what causes us to repeatedly enter wounding situations in the first place.

There are roughly five main types of core wounds (inspired by the work of Vienna Pharaon):

• The worthiness wound
• The belonging wound
• The prioritization wound
• The trust wound
• The safety wound

Each of these wounds causes us to behave in certain ways around others, and they’re supported by equally venomous toxic core beliefs.

I help you to discover which of these five core wounds you have, and the top three negative core beliefs you uniquely possess, in my Core Wound Inventory and Belief Deconstruction exercises available in my Soul Work Compass Course. This course offers many deeply illuminating exercises that help you to discover who you are on a Soul level and what your authentic path in life is.

In the meantime, you can ask yourself, “What unconscious belief about myself am I reinforcing by letting myself spend time around those who don’t truly see me?” or “What wound within draws me to those who misunderstand or undervalue me?”

By finding your core wound and working to heal it, you’ll discover that not only do you feel more peace within yourself, but you’ll no longer draw as many vampiric people.

You may even start attracting those who see and appreciate you for who you truly are. While this isn’t always the case, you will nevertheless feel more grounded and less dependent on others truly seeing you or not to feel valuable.

***

Feeling like no one truly sees you is one of the loneliest feelings in the world. It can make you feel invisible, insignificant, isolated, and worthless. 

But you’re not alone in feeling this way.

Focus on what is within your control – your actions, your self-perception, and your healing. Become your own best friend, because at the end of the day, that’s who you spend the most time with and what ultimately counts.

Tell me, have you felt this feeling? When does it arise for you? What advice would you give to someone in this situation? I’d love to hear in the comments – you never know who you may help by sharing. ;)