The Primal Core Wound: Why You Still Feel Broken, Unseen, and Alone

Suffering from the same old destructive mental patterns. Never finding a sense of authentic purpose. Toxic invalidating relationships. Feeling disconnected from your deeper Self. Existential dread, loneliness, depression, and burnout … 

All of these afflictions can be traced directly back to the primal wound of separation.

The separation from being truly loved. The separation from being truly seen. The separation from being truly valued.

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When we aren’t truly seen, loved, or valued as children in our precious uniqueness – when we become mere objects in the mental projections of our caretakers or “things” to use and control – we experience a deep inner fracture of the psyche.

This fracture is known as “splitting” in various psychological fields, and it causes us to unconsciously adopt an artificial role in order to survive and be “acceptable.”

This role is known as the false self. 

Let’s explore this more.

Why You Still Feel Broken, Unseen, and Alone (the I-It Relationship)

The deepest core wound that you and I carry comes down to not being seen, valued, and related to as a uniquely lovable human being, but instead being treated as an object – as an It – in the eyes of those who raised us. 

This primal wound can be summarized by the following words of philosopher Martin Buber (emphasis mine):

In the I-Thou relationship, the other is not an object but a presence.

Contrast that with:

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I-It can never truly be a relationship – it’s always about detachment, control, or use.

To summarize:

When we encounter another individual truly as a person, not as an object for use, we become fully human.

So what happens when we are treated as an “object for use” growing up?

The result is that we develop a big, gnawing, aching wound at the center of ourselves, one that we try to cover up, pretend isn’t there, and run from our entire lives.

This core primal wound manifests as feelings of emptiness, hopelessness, worthlessness, isolation, numbness, and despair, destroying our sense of love, purpose, and sanity.

When we are treated as an “it” and not a “thou” – when the very ones that were meant to love us exactly the way we were reject our uniqueness, our lovability, our humanity – we are severed from our ability to see and cherish ourselves truly.

Lacking this empathic attunement and sensitive mirroring as children, it’s no wonder that so many of us grow up feeling lost and alone.

It’s no wonder that we have an epidemic of mental health issues, addiction, self-hatred, and disconnection from our Inner Light, our Deeper Self. 

My Experience With the Primal Core Wound 

Now that the two of us are experiencing firsthand what it’s like to be parents to a young child, I see just how precious and fragile our earliest days, weeks, and months are.

I also feel a sense of deep grief, rage, and loneliness emerge when I contemplate my upbringing and the gaps of empathic connection I still feel to this day. 

I was raised in a fundamentalist religious household with parents who, while doing their very best with the level of awareness they had, measured my worth against their dogma and validated my reality only when it aligned with their likes, preferences, and belief system.

I carry the core wound of never feeling truly “seen,” but only related to through the lens of a toxic belief system that divided the world into perfect/imperfect, right/wrong, saints/sinners, and heaven/hellfire. 

Sure, I was hit a lot as a child – with the hand, the wooden spoon, and the riding whip. But that physical violation of boundaries as a sensitive girl wasn’t what did the most damage.

What damaged me the most was the profound loneliness of never feeling truly mirrored, truly witnessed, or truly loved in my own uniqueness. Never feeling seen. Never feeling known. Never feeling witnessed or embraced, just as I was.

On top of that, having a belief system that annihilated my physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual autonomy, replacing it with fearful obedience of eternal hellfire, led me to develop the core belief that “I’m fundamentally bad.”  

And from that belief sprung an endless array of mental and emotional health struggles like depression, anxiety, self-harm, OCD, and many existential crises – most of which, through sacred intervention, I have learned to heal through deep inner work and Self-integration. 

Through this ‘trial by fire’ initiation into parenthood that Mateo and I are experiencing, we’re starting to see how deeply impactful the core wound is in every single dimension of life.

What Type of Primal Core Wound Do You Have? 

The old notion of “naming your demons so they no longer have as much power over you” applies here. 

The best place to start when it comes to healing your primal wound, your earliest fracture, is in naming what type of wound you have. 

Below, I have summarized a list of the main core wounds.

Take a moment to ground yourself, then read through the list and see which one speaks to you, especially in the context of childhood:

• The wound of abandonment – being left behind, physically or emotionally.
• The wound of rejection – feeling unwanted and therefore withdrawing from others or becoming a people pleaser.
• The wound of betrayal – losing trust due to deception or broken promises.
• The wound of humiliation – being shamed, put down, or belittled.
• The wound of neglect – being uncared for physically, mentally, or emotionally.
• The wound of unworthiness – feeling that you’re inherently not good enough.
• The wound of shame – feeling that you’re fundamentally broken or “bad” deep down.
• The wound of isolation – believing that you’re fundamentally alone or too weird/different ever to belong.
• The wound of powerlessness – feeling that you’re weak and unable to protect yourself, leading to a sense of learned helplessness.
• The wound of invisibility – feeling that you’re not truly seen or valued for who you authentically are.

Pause to breathe and center yourself. How does it feel to give a name to your deepest inner pain? Be sure to practice self-care and allow anything that comes up within you – all of it is valid and important to feel.

(Also, if you think I’ve missed any primal core wound, let me know below in the comments.)

You may also find that you identify with a number of the above wounds. This is normal as the core wound is complex. So, you can and likely do have a blend of several of these wounds (for example, humiliation and betrayal often go hand in hand, as do abandonment and unworthiness). 

However, finding one word that crystallizes what you’ve experienced can be a powerful way to anchor that awareness in your psyche and begin an empowered path of healing. 

Deep down, all these wounds go back to the primal wound of separation: being cut off from love, belonging, and safety.

The Great Paradox: Your Wound is Your Medicine

Despite the horrific pain of the core wound and the chaos it unleashes on our lives, it’s also paradoxically our medicine; our path back Home.

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In the words of mystic poet Rumi,

The wound is the place where the Light enters you.

Within this deep inner fracture is your unique doorway to the wisdom, love, and truth of your Deeper Self – the center of your being.

As the sage Lao Tzu writes,  

At the center of your being, you have the answer; you know who you are and you know what you want.

Tell me, if you could truly heal the wound of disconnection you feel inside, what would change in your life?

I’d love to hear from you below and explore this topic more with you in the future.

Go deeper:

• How to Find Your Core Wound (3 Practices)
• Betrayal Trauma as a Sacred Wound: 3 Ways to Heal
• Self-Compassion: 9 Ways to Heal Your Deepest Wounds