Vulnerability. We equate it with being naive, gullible and worst of all, weak. All throughout our lives, we are taught that the opposite state of being is not only preferable but virtuous.
Being guarded, protected and insusceptible to the whims of life is praised not only as a virtue but as the emotional and mental ‘ideal’ in our society. After all, who wants to get hurt? Who wants to be exposed and liable to any capricious thing that happens to us in life? The answer … very few of us!
The reality is that not only are we all vulnerable no matter how hard we try not to be, but we are actually approaching vulnerability with a completely twisted and muddled mindset.
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The Paradox of Vulnerability
The vulnerability paradox: It’s the first thing I look for in you, and the last thing I want you to see in me. ~ Brene Brown
Vulnerability is a very puzzling part of our human experience. We look for it in others, but hide from it in ourselves. We don’t want it, but we need it.
The truth is, vulnerability does make us more susceptible to hurt, heartbreak and disappointment – there’s no denying that! But without allowing ourselves to be vulnerable we can’t experience the joy and rapture of life, we can’t be our authentic selves and we can’t be human, because to be human is to be imperfect.
Embracing vulnerability, as I have discovered myself, opens many doors of opportunity. Without cracking the illusion of my perfect facade for example, I never would have been able to write for LonerWolf exposing my innumerable frailties and flaws. I wouldn’t have been able to learn from that which shook, challenged and exposed me. And I wouldn’t have been able to connect with, and create a sanctuary of acceptance and understanding for so many wonderfully flawed people.
To be vulnerable is to be courageous, for vulnerability stands defiantly in the face of fear, accepting the uncertainty of possible attack or compromise. To refuse or deny your own vulnerability is to close yourself off to life and all of its opportunities out of fear, not strength.
As stated by author Stephen Russel:
Vulnerability is the only authentic state. Being vulnerable means being open, for wounding, but also for pleasure. Being open to the wounds of life means also being open to the bounty and beauty.
Opening Yourself Up to Vulnerability
“Why the hell would I want to make myself more vulnerable?” For many, this is the kind of knee-jerk reaction given to such a prospect. The truth is, there are many reasons why:
- Embracing vulnerability allows you to feel more connected with other people, and thus build more satisfying bonds.
- Embracing vulnerability improves you romantic and intimate relationships by making you more emotionally available.
- Embracing vulnerability allows you to be more authentic and honest with yourself, and others.
- Embracing vulnerability opens many doors to you that would have otherwise remained shut if you had closed yourself off.
- Embracing vulnerability allows you to be challenged and thus grow, learn and be strengthened.
- Embracing vulnerability promotes general well-being by allowing you to wholeheartedly experience everything life has to offer.
To me, being vulnerable is still a terrifying experience, something I equate to walking around naked in public with the words “hit me” painted on my forehead. The truth is, this fear is the same for almost all of us. You are not alone. Like me, you’re probably still learning how to embrace vulnerability, and how to master this great act of bravery in your life. If you are, you may benefit from what I have learnt so far:
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1. Cultivate personal confidence through love.
One of the biggest reasons why people become shut-offs is due to their crippling lack of confidence and self-love. When we have little respect for ourselves, the criticism and judgment of others come as huge shattering blows that severely cripple us. No wonder many of us despise vulnerability! The more self-love you cultivate, the more confidence you have in yourself and thus the easier it is to embrace vulnerability.
2. How people treat you is a reflection of how they treat themselves.
Often times our displays of vulnerability are met with snide remarks, and hurtful evaluations. The truth is, the way we are treated by other people is a direct reflection of how they treat themselves. Good-natured people rarely treat others badly, and likewise, depressed and cranky people rarely treat others kindly. We can show forgiveness and move on once we realize this.
3. Let go of the need to control.
I’m a control freak. There. I said it. How about you? To acknowledge and accept your imperfections, and let go of the need to control how others see you is an essential step in embracing vulnerability. Practicing non-resistance is difficult, but an essential life skill.
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Vulnerability is an immense asset, and yet our current values and ideals in society portray it as undesirable and dangerous to our well-being. In reality, the opposite is true: our vulnerability empowers us to love deeper and grow stronger.
Now it’s your turn! Feel free to share with me your opinions and experiences on this topic!
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I have been “hard” all my life. As a child I learned to do this to protect myself for I grew up in a family that was very very abusive.
But hiding and pretending I dont have vulnerabilities, even to myself, leaves me barren.
I have come to realize that real strength is feeling and embracing mine and others vulnerabilities and it doesn’t mean I’m weak just means I’m perfectly flawed just like everyone else……yay..:)
love to all Yvette x
Amazing and beautiful piece of writing. Loved this thought provoking article. Thanks for posting.
Thank you for the wonderful article, as always.
I resonate with all the points that has been mentioned above. I recently lost my fiancé to cancer and it was hard since I always wanted to portray myself as a person who didn’t meet any setbacks in life, and that everything was smooth flowing for me. The more i resisted in letting go of that distorted image of me, the more it caused me pain. I don’t know what changed in me but one day I just told myself – I can’t do this anymore. I have to be my authentic self, whatever anyone thinks of me is a reflection of themselves, and repressing my wounds would be really detrimental to me. Since then I opened up to people (in other words showing my vulnerability), and it has been surprisingly very cathartic.
showing vulnerability = being our authentic selves :)
On the other hand, I just came across this video –> https://youtu.be/f04gGbc9DjI. Somewhat related – also helpful. Thought I’d share :)
This was a beautiful piece and the timing perfect for me. I often think about how my sensitivity and openness leave me exposed to both amazing and frightening experiences – it’s kind of like that analogy of the cracks allowing the light in but at the same time causing the object to be fragile. It can be very hard at times to navigate because the world is such a BIG place, and unfortunately people like us are few and far between – those who are willing to sit with and actually figure out what vulnerability is and what role it plays in our existence. Reading the comments section makes me feel quite a bit more understood and not so alone. Thank you for writing!
Thank you. It does feel scary to be vulnerable when we think we have to look and act tough like everything is okay when we aren’t. I am embracing my vulnerability everyday. It is a long journey, and I am learning so much especially about me.
I like this topic. Once I felt down about being vulnerable but learned to accept and balance it out; you must have courage and not care what anyone else thinks. My different opinions dealing being vulnerable is either being weak or strong minded about it. Yes being vulnerable does help one open up more to the opportunity of love,or being loved; it helps tear down this invisible wall I was building not to let another man into my life because I was once hurt before. I always to inspire to others “let go and let flow” in other words let old things go and let new love flow!
Being vulnerable has always been an issue for me. It was as if I had this automatic defense mechanism to not be vulnerable to protect myself from being hurt due to the lack of self love and self esteem.
Only after a relationship breakdown I realized how much emotional baggage I was carrying and lack of vulnerability had affected my relationship with my romantic partners and my family as well. Growing up in an Asian culture we are taught not to show our emotions much as it is a sign of weakness.
Only after going through a personal journey of spiritual growth and healing that I am learning to be vulnerable. There is strength in vulnerability. It creates an authentic connection from one being to another thus creating a positive effect.
Thank you for the wonderful write up!
Luna , thank you for the content of this site. I have swam the crap moat on many issues in my life. I found that their were many well meaning people. They knew how I was to live, eat, marry, and study. They projected their thoughts and adjendas onto me. They labeled their control as ‘this is what is best or this is the proper way’. They even try to push fear and anxiety buttons within me. The small still old voice within me tells me that no matter how difficult I must always honor myself first. It is amazing when I give myself space and time how the true answer shines through for me. This is my life and I can choose to do as I please. Each day is a opportunity to take one more step in evolving into the the person I want to become. I wish everyone love and light for your pathheart.
A particular type of discernment is needed in choosing people you can open up to and allow your self to trust.. This article opened up very painful, sensitive areas for me and past choices in life.. It touched on something I work with every day. Realizing I can’t be trusting, expecting down the road someone will hurt and let me down as in the past experiences, clouds over the here and now.. It is a realization I get it from an intellectual place,, but my emotional side is where the Wall lives, with me behind it..
I am trying to accept people for simply who they are, meeting them on a safe level of understanding for who they are, hoping they are doing the same.. This is about the best I can do at this time. Thanking you and your beautiful gift to write and inspire people to become better, more aware versions of themselves.