Vulnerability. We equate it with being naive, gullible and worst of all, weak. All throughout our lives, we are taught that the opposite state of being is not only preferable but virtuous.
Being guarded, protected and insusceptible to the whims of life is praised not only as a virtue but as the emotional and mental ‘ideal’ in our society. After all, who wants to get hurt? Who wants to be exposed and liable to any capricious thing that happens to us in life? The answer … very few of us!
The reality is that not only are we all vulnerable no matter how hard we try not to be, but we are actually approaching vulnerability with a completely twisted and muddled mindset.
The Paradox of Vulnerability
The vulnerability paradox: It’s the first thing I look for in you, and the last thing I want you to see in me. ~ Brene Brown
Vulnerability is a very puzzling part of our human experience. We look for it in others, but hide from it in ourselves. We don’t want it, but we need it.
The truth is, vulnerability does make us more susceptible to hurt, heartbreak and disappointment – there’s no denying that! But without allowing ourselves to be vulnerable we can’t experience the joy and rapture of life, we can’t be our authentic selves and we can’t be human, because to be human is to be imperfect.
Embracing vulnerability, as I have discovered myself, opens many doors of opportunity. Without cracking the illusion of my perfect facade for example, I never would have been able to write for LonerWolf exposing my innumerable frailties and flaws. I wouldn’t have been able to learn from that which shook, challenged and exposed me. And I wouldn’t have been able to connect with, and create a sanctuary of acceptance and understanding for so many wonderfully flawed people.
To be vulnerable is to be courageous, for vulnerability stands defiantly in the face of fear, accepting the uncertainty of possible attack or compromise. To refuse or deny your own vulnerability is to close yourself off to life and all of its opportunities out of fear, not strength.
As stated by author Stephen Russel:
Vulnerability is the only authentic state. Being vulnerable means being open, for wounding, but also for pleasure. Being open to the wounds of life means also being open to the bounty and beauty.
Opening Yourself Up to Vulnerability
“Why the hell would I want to make myself more vulnerable?” For many, this is the kind of knee-jerk reaction given to such a prospect. The truth is, there are many reasons why:
- Embracing vulnerability allows you to feel more connected with other people, and thus build more satisfying bonds.
- Embracing vulnerability improves you romantic and intimate relationships by making you more emotionally available.
- Embracing vulnerability allows you to be more authentic and honest with yourself, and others.
- Embracing vulnerability opens many doors to you that would have otherwise remained shut if you had closed yourself off.
- Embracing vulnerability allows you to be challenged and thus grow, learn and be strengthened.
- Embracing vulnerability promotes general well-being by allowing you to wholeheartedly experience everything life has to offer.
To me, being vulnerable is still a terrifying experience, something I equate to walking around naked in public with the words “hit me” painted on my forehead. The truth is, this fear is the same for almost all of us. You are not alone. Like me, you’re probably still learning how to embrace vulnerability, and how to master this great act of bravery in your life. If you are, you may benefit from what I have learnt so far:
1. Cultivate personal confidence through love.
One of the biggest reasons why people become shut-offs is due to their crippling lack of confidence and self-love. When we have little respect for ourselves, the criticism and judgment of others come as huge shattering blows that severely cripple us. No wonder many of us despise vulnerability! The more self-love you cultivate, the more confidence you have in yourself and thus the easier it is to embrace vulnerability.
2. How people treat you is a reflection of how they treat themselves.
Often times our displays of vulnerability are met with snide remarks, and hurtful evaluations. The truth is, the way we are treated by other people is a direct reflection of how they treat themselves. Good-natured people rarely treat others badly, and likewise, depressed and cranky people rarely treat others kindly. We can show forgiveness and move on once we realize this.
3. Let go of the need to control.
I’m a control freak. There. I said it. How about you? To acknowledge and accept your imperfections, and let go of the need to control how others see you is an essential step in embracing vulnerability. Practicing non-resistance is difficult, but an essential life skill.
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Vulnerability is an immense asset, and yet our current values and ideals in society portray it as undesirable and dangerous to our well-being. In reality, the opposite is true: our vulnerability empowers us to love deeper and grow stronger.
Now it’s your turn! Feel free to share with me your opinions and experiences on this topic!
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I learned something yesterday about vulnerability. I joined a Native American group on FB. Someone posted a code of ethics of a particular tribe. The name escapes me right now. Anyway, my comment was how falling short of those ethics made me feel. I found two of my FB friends to be very special. They commented that the code touched their hearts. So sometimes, if you make yourself vulnerable, others will too. Which is the first point of this article. Thanks so much for writing and sharing it!
I find all your articles coming from the soul wonderfully expressed with heartfelt words…….. Thank you!!!
Most important thing is to be you!!! Thanks a lot!!
Love Light Peace and Laughter <3 :)
It takes great courage as a man to show vulnerability. In society it seems there’s little less appealing than appearing weak as a man. I suppose the key is being unafraid to show your vulnerability in certain things, but having the self-love and therefore self-assuredness that nothing can harm you.
For example I feel vulnerable in social situations around new people, though as a person I feel self confident of myself. This self-confidence does not mean I am confident in certain situations though. Many times I have succumbed to my ego and tried to act brave and confident, when I’m really not. It feels like I have an obligation to not appear weak, which I suppose is a combination of my ego and what I perceive society to expect of me. So from now on I am going to try to be unafraid to show my vulnerability where it exists. I agree with you that it can let people in – perhaps the fact that most people are so afraid to show vulnerability is the reason why we so often struggle to connect with the people around us?
A great, thought-provoking article. Thank you and god bless!
Vulnerability is definitely a double edged sword. I open myself and expose myself emotionally to others that I care for because at heart I am an incredibly affectionate person. If that friend returns my affection we can develop a very close bond.
This unfortunately leaves me very vulnerable, and there have been plenty of times that the people I cared for have not responded in kind and I have been on the receiving end of a lot of heartbreak and emotional pain.
Unfortunately I’m a very easy target. These emotional wounds have affected me very deeply and I’m finding it difficult to open myself up to others any more and I just can’t trust people. I’m just too easy to take advantage of emotionally.
I’m not afraid to say here that I’m a ridiculously flawed woman, but although I agree with much of this article I find it difficult to allow myself to be vulnerable anymore. I just think I lack the strength for it after what I’ve been through.
Dear Luna, I grew up in an emotional prison with an extremely harsh mother. Existing was bad, except to clean and be an adult child who was suppose to do everything perfect or be punished. If I made a sound or cried during punishment, I kept getting more. If I had any expression in my eyes, I would get more blows. Love was a dirty word in the house. You were suppose to be tough. When I went out of my own, I would isolate between being too vulnerable or not being vulnerable enough. I could not figure how vulnerability in other women was accepted, appreciated and loved. But when I was vulnerable, I was judged as foolish and how dare I want something. I couldn’t figure it out for about 3 decades. Even with my family or my sisters, I wasn’t respected because I had failed relationships with men that didn’t respect me. My work was the place that I shined because I was able to be confident and strong, and always a leader. But eventually, my mental illness caught up with me and I had a break down, and it’s been a long time recovering. However, my recovery… Read more »
Ahaha cant take the truth took my comment off, indeed without prey a predator cant work his art
Nice article, its only worth being vulnerable when there is a chance of a payoff and the payoff is more than the pain, eg is it worth being depressed all the time jus to get the feeling of relief u get for 2hours wen u get drunk, surely not, when hurt is inevitable because uno who ure dealing with only a gullible fool would willingly be vulnerable, the reason ppl not willing to be vulnerable in the first place is because they no most other ppl will just take advantage, its a dog eat dog world,every man for himself unfortunately, in the ideal world there would be no such thing as ‘vulnerability’ since there would be no hurt or pain
Thank you for sharing!
It is good to understand the core reason behind everything.
It takes a certain kind of courage to recognize that making oneself more vulnerable makes one stronger.
The risk is that you are exposing yourself to all kinds of hurt and ridicule by being vulnerable. What is gained by it is more profound, deep and subtle. Our society, which emphasizes instant physical rewards, fails to appreciate this by and large.
As always, a wonderful article.
You always impress me by your writing, Luna.
Cause, we seem (almost) went through the same things. May be we are introvert. haha
I’m just want to ask your opinion. What do you think about a man is being vulnerable to the other people or to his lady? because what usual people think is a man should be strong, not showing his weakness. That doctrine somehow affected me.
Thank you for your willingness. Best regards for both of you :)