Vulnerability. We equate it with being naive, gullible and worst of all, weak. All throughout our lives, we are taught that the opposite state of being is not only preferable but virtuous.
Being guarded, protected and insusceptible to the whims of life is praised not only as a virtue but as the emotional and mental ‘ideal’ in our society. After all, who wants to get hurt? Who wants to be exposed and liable to any capricious thing that happens to us in life? The answer … very few of us!
The reality is that not only are we all vulnerable no matter how hard we try not to be, but we are actually approaching vulnerability with a completely twisted and muddled mindset.
The Paradox of Vulnerability
The vulnerability paradox: It’s the first thing I look for in you, and the last thing I want you to see in me. ~ Brene Brown
Vulnerability is a very puzzling part of our human experience. We look for it in others, but hide from it in ourselves. We don’t want it, but we need it.
The truth is, vulnerability does make us more susceptible to hurt, heartbreak and disappointment – there’s no denying that! But without allowing ourselves to be vulnerable we can’t experience the joy and rapture of life, we can’t be our authentic selves and we can’t be human, because to be human is to be imperfect.
Embracing vulnerability, as I have discovered myself, opens many doors of opportunity. Without cracking the illusion of my perfect facade for example, I never would have been able to write for LonerWolf exposing my innumerable frailties and flaws. I wouldn’t have been able to learn from that which shook, challenged and exposed me. And I wouldn’t have been able to connect with, and create a sanctuary of acceptance and understanding for so many wonderfully flawed people.
To be vulnerable is to be courageous, for vulnerability stands defiantly in the face of fear, accepting the uncertainty of possible attack or compromise. To refuse or deny your own vulnerability is to close yourself off to life and all of its opportunities out of fear, not strength.
As stated by author Stephen Russel:
Vulnerability is the only authentic state. Being vulnerable means being open, for wounding, but also for pleasure. Being open to the wounds of life means also being open to the bounty and beauty.
Opening Yourself Up to Vulnerability
“Why the hell would I want to make myself more vulnerable?” For many, this is the kind of knee-jerk reaction given to such a prospect. The truth is, there are many reasons why:
- Embracing vulnerability allows you to feel more connected with other people, and thus build more satisfying bonds.
- Embracing vulnerability improves you romantic and intimate relationships by making you more emotionally available.
- Embracing vulnerability allows you to be more authentic and honest with yourself, and others.
- Embracing vulnerability opens many doors to you that would have otherwise remained shut if you had closed yourself off.
- Embracing vulnerability allows you to be challenged and thus grow, learn and be strengthened.
- Embracing vulnerability promotes general well-being by allowing you to wholeheartedly experience everything life has to offer.
To me, being vulnerable is still a terrifying experience, something I equate to walking around naked in public with the words “hit me” painted on my forehead. The truth is, this fear is the same for almost all of us. You are not alone. Like me, you’re probably still learning how to embrace vulnerability, and how to master this great act of bravery in your life. If you are, you may benefit from what I have learnt so far:
1. Cultivate personal confidence through love.
One of the biggest reasons why people become shut-offs is due to their crippling lack of confidence and self-love. When we have little respect for ourselves, the criticism and judgment of others come as huge shattering blows that severely cripple us. No wonder many of us despise vulnerability! The more self-love you cultivate, the more confidence you have in yourself and thus the easier it is to embrace vulnerability.
2. How people treat you is a reflection of how they treat themselves.
Often times our displays of vulnerability are met with snide remarks, and hurtful evaluations. The truth is, the way we are treated by other people is a direct reflection of how they treat themselves. Good-natured people rarely treat others badly, and likewise, depressed and cranky people rarely treat others kindly. We can show forgiveness and move on once we realize this.
3. Let go of the need to control.
I’m a control freak. There. I said it. How about you? To acknowledge and accept your imperfections, and let go of the need to control how others see you is an essential step in embracing vulnerability. Practicing non-resistance is difficult, but an essential life skill.
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Vulnerability is an immense asset, and yet our current values and ideals in society portray it as undesirable and dangerous to our well-being. In reality, the opposite is true: our vulnerability empowers us to love deeper and grow stronger.
Now it’s your turn! Feel free to share with me your opinions and experiences on this topic!
Where do you set the border between vulnerability and victimhood? Vulnerability is a great divine part of us as well, only we have not to identify with itself, with the emotion.
This a beautiful article, not only have I refused to be vulnerable, I have always been 5 steps ahead of any ‘danger’ that could crippled me emotionally. I have done this all my life yet it’s in the last 3 years that by meeting my best friend, my partner, my soul mate. Who has been there at my worst times, has taught me that being vulnerable & your authentic self is ok & it has opened my eyes to much more. It’s hard to change what’s been hardwired in childhood, but by becoming more self aware in so many areas & accepting myself (slowly) that I can retrain my thinking for better future. Thank you so much for your words, have touched me deeply
“The truth is, the way we are treated by other people is a direct reflection of how they treat themselves. Good-natured people rarely treat others badly, and likewise, depressed and cranky people rarely treat others kindly. “
– i agree in this phrase. sometimes you actual tell whole problem and asking for their forgiveness. How sorry and feel bad you are. but its quite vulnerable for them to accept everything then they treat you that your existence doesn’t matter at all. is it quite fair or they just being honest to tell what they truly want???
I struggle with being vulnerable because I dont know how exactly youre supposed to do it or what you have to say to be vulnerable. I have identity issues at the moment so I’m trying to figure out who I am and learn how to be myself. I dont think I can be vulnerable at this point in my life coz I still havent worked out my identity. How can you be vulnerable if youre not confident and sure about who you are?
This is my obstacle.
I am at a point in my life where I am tired of fearing vulnerability. How can people like me work to overcome this in not only friendships but romantic relationships as well? I am self aware, I know my faults well, and have accepted their role in my life, but how can I begin to shed them?
Hi Aletheia,
Many thanks for this insightful article. I finally understand why I was able to shine through all my vulnerable days of depression with trepidation. I now know that I am glad to have held onto my own true spirit, thanks to your words of wisdom.
How to be vulnerable without being naive, especially in the workplace where office politixs are rife and so many people are two faced?
You should walk around in public nude. But this does not make you vulnerable, because everyday clothing does not protect you from other people.
I was tormented so much growing up that I adopted a mean/avoidant persona out of fear, anger and disgust at the people who treated me so poorly. Now as an adult who is no longer in the situation where that defense mechanism was necessary for emotional survival, it’s incredibly difficult to allow myself to be vulnerable. As could be expected, this increases the difficulty of making meaningful connections such as friendships or with dating. There are the occasional good days and people whom I instantly feel comfortable around, but to most people I come off really badly. They can sense the anxiety, awkwardness, the discomfort. So much negative vibes I’m putting out. It’s a lonely l ife that I’d desperately like to turn around. If that means increasing confidence (somehow?) and allowing myself to be vulnerable around others, so be it. But it’s going to be a long difficult journey back from the deep pit I’m in.
Hi, Padget. I know you wrote this comment a month ago, but I hope things are getting better for you. I still get scared at times for being vulnerable. I always have that thought that someone will take advantage of me. But I have to remember that good people in the world still exist.
In a world full of deceit and lies, I have found vulnerability to be the force to show the true intentions of people. When you expose yourself, you will receive support and love from the sincere. You will only be attacked by those that fear the possibility of you being right or them being wrong. Any attack you sustain by opening yourself to being vulnerable exposes their issues, not yours. I encourage everyone to be vulnerable and authentic.
This is a very old reply post, so I don’t know if you will see it, Barry, but I found your reply to make perfect sense, even more than the article,which was very good! I felt I had put that out there. ☺
Wow i can say only wow . I am going thru this process, have always been the oddball, but a very very strong hetrolook man ,slowly i show my Gay side and open up as being aswell vulnerable as anybody else, some man flees ( mostly gays) and many stay or even come back ( mostly Hetro F/M).
Having dreams about my just ran away friend, he pushed me over the cliff and while falling down he said can we stay friends( not allowed to see him or even write and text ? ), but how as in love you .
These words of
Lone wolf and vulnerability, help me so much to become more and more myself whom I am. I am getting better in openness towards my sons ( yes I have two) so thanx more than I can say ..
..it helps to walk indeed my way but not without others as i do care even about the ones who are gone ,
but yes indeed I am happy with whom I am … a strong but hurt man . xxx Love and forgive the biggest power on earth. may all be blessed in there way . be nice to each other as they are hurt also . xxx Love
It must be a new phenomenon, denying our vulnerability, insisting on control, seeing humility as weakness.
It’s the opposite of what I heard all my life!
I WAS made aware of those tendencies as characteristic of weak character; seen in those prone to compensate by substance abuse and violent aggressiveness.
I was baptized in an American culture that said strength is in surrender, and acceptance cleanses the fear of the unknown.
Where did you hear this negative dogma?
I am not exactly sure that I understand. my counselor says i’m vulnerable. i’m thinking she meant not in a good way? I talk a lot about my family not being there and trying to build a family in other places. how can I work on this? is my vulnerability good or not?
I would ask her what she means. I would imagine that her theorectical approach is going to affect what she’s focussing on and she may be coming from a place that is more to do with safety.
Vulnerability has different facets to me at different times. Sometimes my personal circumstances mean I don’t have my normal resilience – thing I could brush off at other times hurt more because I’m overloaded with personal challenges. This isn’t “bad” but it does mean they are riskier times for me because I may not be as grounded or assertive or certain of myself. Sometimes life puts us in a vulnerable place: illness, finances, living in a fearful or dangerous situation. This sort of vulnerability means there is a higher probability of certain things happening such as being drawn in manipulaive or abusive situations, self-harm or substance misuse. We know that statistically some groups are more vulnerable to dying through suicide. For example, there is a lot of work going into suicide prevention for young men at the moment.
The other side of vulnerability for me, and I feel like that’s what this article is speaking to, is more internal, my fears and insecurities and all the things I do to protect myself from feeling vulnerable. It’s been tough to unravel that and I’m still trying.
I’m getting to grips with my own vulnerability at the moment. I can really say I like feeling vulnerable. Honestly it’s bloody uncomfortable, especially when someone points it out to me!
It’s a different use of the word. No one is implying you strive for fragility, but fragile people are often referred to as vulnerable. I think she’s telling you that you project your fragility. That’s not what vulnerability brings you. In fact, it’s just the opposite. Letting go of the idea that you must overpower any threat is in itself empowering.