Vulnerability. We equate it with being naive, gullible and worst of all, weak. All throughout our lives, we are taught that the opposite state of being is not only preferable, but virtuous.
Being guarded, protected and insusceptible to the whims of life is praised not only as a virtue, but as the emotional and mental ‘ideal’ in our society. After all, who wants to get hurt? Who wants to be exposed and liable to any capricious thing that happens to us in life? The answer … very few of us!
The reality is that not only are we all vulnerable no matter how hard we try not to be, but we are actually approaching vulnerability with a completely twisted and muddled mindset.
The Paradox of Vulnerability
The vulnerability paradox: It’s the first thing I look for in you, and the last thing I want you to see in me. ~ Brene Brown
Vulnerability is a very puzzling part of our human experience. We look for it in others, but hide from it in ourselves. We don’t want it, but we need it.
The truth is, vulnerability does make us more susceptible to hurt, heartbreak and disappointment – there’s no denying that! But without allowing ourselves to be vulnerable we can’t experience the joy and rapture of life, we can’t be our authentic selves and we can’t be human, because to be human is to be imperfect.
Embracing vulnerability, as I have discovered myself, opens many doors of opportunity. Without cracking the illusion of my perfect facade for example, I never would have been able to write for LonerWolf exposing my innumerable frailties and flaws. I wouldn’t have been able to learn from that which shook, challenged and exposed me. And I wouldn’t have been able to connect with, and create a sanctuary of acceptance and understanding for so many wonderfully flawed people.
To be vulnerable is to be courageous, for vulnerability stands defiantly in the face of fear, accepting the uncertainty of possible attack or compromise. To refuse or deny your own vulnerability is to close yourself off to life and all of its opportunities out of fear, not strength.
As stated by author Stephen Russel:
Vulnerability is the only authentic state. Being vulnerable means being open, for wounding, but also for pleasure. Being open to the wounds of life means also being open to the bounty and beauty.
Opening Yourself Up to Vulnerability
“Why the hell would I want to make myself more vulnerable?” For many, this is the kind of knee-jerk reaction given to such a prospect. The truth is, there are many reasons why:
- Embracing vulnerability allows you to feel more connected with other people, and thus build more satisfying bonds.
- Embracing vulnerability improves you romantic and intimate relationships by making you more emotionally available.
- Embracing vulnerability allows you to be more authentic and honest with yourself, and others.
- Embracing vulnerability opens many doors to you that would have otherwise remained shut if you had closed yourself off.
- Embracing vulnerability allows you to be challenged and thus grow, learn and be strengthened.
- Embracing vulnerability promotes general well-being by allowing you to wholeheartedly experience everything life has to offer.
To me, being vulnerable is still a terrifying experience, something I equate to walking around naked in public with the words “hit me” painted on my forehead. The truth is, this fear is the same for almost all of us. You are not alone. Like me, you’re probably still learning how to embrace vulnerability, and how to master this great act of bravery in your life. If you are, you may benefit from what I have learnt so far:
1. Cultivate personal confidence through love.
One of the biggest reasons why people become shut-offs is due to their crippling lack of confidence and self-love. When we have little respect for ourselves, the criticism and judgement of others comes as huge shattering blows that severely cripple us. No wonder many of us despise vulnerability! The more self-love you cultivate, the more confidence you have in yourself and thus the easier it is to embrace vulnerability.
2. How people treat you is a reflection of how they treat themselves.
Often times our displays of vulnerability are met with snide remarks, and hurtful evaluations. The truth is, the way we are treated by other people is a direct reflection of how they treat themselves. Good-natured people rarely treat others badly, and likewise, depressed and cranky people rarely treat others kindly. We can show forgiveness and move on once we realize this.
3. Let go of the need to control.
I’m a control freak. There. I said it. How about you? To acknowledge and accept your imperfections, and let go of the need to control how others see you is an essential step in embracing vulnerability. Practicing non-resistance is difficult, but an essential life skill. You can read more about it here.
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Vulnerability is an immense asset, and yet our current values and ideals in society portray it as undesirable and dangerous to our well-being. In reality, the opposite is true: our vulnerability empowers us to love deeper and grow stronger.
Now it’s your turn! Feel free to share with me your opinions and experiences on this topic!
I have been “hard” all my life. As a child I learned to do this to protect myself for I grew up in a family that was very very abusive.
But hiding and pretending I dont have vulnerabilities, even to myself, leaves me barren.
I have come to realize that real strength is feeling and embracing mine and others vulnerabilities and it doesn’t mean I’m weak just means I’m perfectly flawed just like everyone else……yay..:)
love to all Yvette x
Amazing and beautiful piece of writing. Loved this thought provoking article. Thanks for posting.
Thank you for the wonderful article, as always.
I resonate with all the points that has been mentioned above. I recently lost my fiancé to cancer and it was hard since I always wanted to portray myself as a person who didn’t meet any setbacks in life, and that everything was smooth flowing for me. The more i resisted in letting go of that distorted image of me, the more it caused me pain. I don’t know what changed in me but one day I just told myself – I can’t do this anymore. I have to be my authentic self, whatever anyone thinks of me is a reflection of themselves, and repressing my wounds would be really detrimental to me. Since then I opened up to people (in other words showing my vulnerability), and it has been surprisingly very cathartic.
showing vulnerability = being our authentic selves :)
On the other hand, I just came across this video –> https://youtu.be/f04gGbc9DjI. Somewhat related – also helpful. Thought I’d share :)
This was a beautiful piece and the timing perfect for me. I often think about how my sensitivity and openness leave me exposed to both amazing and frightening experiences – it’s kind of like that analogy of the cracks allowing the light in but at the same time causing the object to be fragile. It can be very hard at times to navigate because the world is such a BIG place, and unfortunately people like us are few and far between – those who are willing to sit with and actually figure out what vulnerability is and what role it plays in our existence. Reading the comments section makes me feel quite a bit more understood and not so alone. Thank you for writing!
Thank you. It does feel scary to be vulnerable when we think we have to look and act tough like everything is okay when we aren’t. I am embracing my vulnerability everyday. It is a long journey, and I am learning so much especially about me.
I like this topic. Once I felt down about being vulnerable but learned to accept and balance it out; you must have courage and not care what anyone else thinks. My different opinions dealing being vulnerable is either being weak or strong minded about it. Yes being vulnerable does help one open up more to the opportunity of love,or being loved; it helps tear down this invisible wall I was building not to let another man into my life because I was once hurt before. I always to inspire to others “let go and let flow” in other words let old things go and let new love flow!
Being vulnerable has always been an issue for me. It was as if I had this automatic defense mechanism to not be vulnerable to protect myself from being hurt due to the lack of self love and self esteem.
Only after a relationship breakdown I realized how much emotional baggage I was carrying and lack of vulnerability had affected my relationship with my romantic partners and my family as well. Growing up in an Asian culture we are taught not to show our emotions much as it is a sign of weakness.
Only after going through a personal journey of spiritual growth and healing that I am learning to be vulnerable. There is strength in vulnerability. It creates an authentic connection from one being to another thus creating a positive effect.
Thank you for the wonderful write up!
Luna , thank you for the content of this site. I have swam the crap moat on many issues in my life. I found that their were many well meaning people. They knew how I was to live, eat, marry, and study. They projected their thoughts and adjendas onto me. They labeled their control as ‘this is what is best or this is the proper way’. They even try to push fear and anxiety buttons within me. The small still old voice within me tells me that no matter how difficult I must always honor myself first. It is amazing when I give myself space and time how the true answer shines through for me. This is my life and I can choose to do as I please. Each day is a opportunity to take one more step in evolving into the the person I want to become. I wish everyone love and light for your pathheart.
A particular type of discernment is needed in choosing people you can open up to and allow your self to trust.. This article opened up very painful, sensitive areas for me and past choices in life.. It touched on something I work with every day. Realizing I can’t be trusting, expecting down the road someone will hurt and let me down as in the past experiences, clouds over the here and now.. It is a realization I get it from an intellectual place,, but my emotional side is where the Wall lives, with me behind it..
I am trying to accept people for simply who they are, meeting them on a safe level of understanding for who they are, hoping they are doing the same.. This is about the best I can do at this time. Thanking you and your beautiful gift to write and inspire people to become better, more aware versions of themselves.
I learned something yesterday about vulnerability. I joined a Native American group on FB. Someone posted a code of ethics of a particular tribe. The name escapes me right now. Anyway, my comment was how falling short of those ethics made me feel. I found two of my FB friends to be very special. They commented that the code touched their hearts. So sometimes, if you make yourself vulnerable, others will too. Which is the first point of this article. Thanks so much for writing and sharing it!
Yes! Beautiful example Michael. Thank you for sharing. :)
I find all your articles coming from the soul wonderfully expressed with heartfelt words…….. Thank you!!!
Most important thing is to be you!!! Thanks a lot!!
Love Light Peace and Laughter <3 :)
Thanks for such a wonderful message Anu. I’m delighted that you can see these articles as an expression of my soul as I very much believe them to be! x
It takes great courage as a man to show vulnerability. In society it seems there’s little less appealing than appearing weak as a man. I suppose the key is being unafraid to show your vulnerability in certain things, but having the self-love and therefore self-assuredness that nothing can harm you.
For example I feel vulnerable in social situations around new people, though as a person I feel self confident of myself. This self-confidence does not mean I am confident in certain situations though. Many times I have succumbed to my ego and tried to act brave and confident, when I’m really not. It feels like I have an obligation to not appear weak, which I suppose is a combination of my ego and what I perceive society to expect of me. So from now on I am going to try to be unafraid to show my vulnerability where it exists. I agree with you that it can let people in – perhaps the fact that most people are so afraid to show vulnerability is the reason why we so often struggle to connect with the people around us?
A great, thought-provoking article. Thank you and god bless!
Yes, I definitely think so Paul. The more disconnected we are due to these illusionary “selves” we create, the more disconnected and separate we feel from others, and thus, the more we have to protect, and the less we are able to make ourselves vulnerable. Being able to look beyond your personality, your likes, preferences, emotional attachments, and everything associated with being an identity – and return to the source, the limitless consciousness – is the ultimate answer to embracing vulnerability. Because in the end, we realize that nothing can truly hurt ‘us’.
Many thanks for commenting and sharing. :)
Vulnerability is definitely a double edged sword. I open myself and expose myself emotionally to others that I care for because at heart I am an incredibly affectionate person. If that friend returns my affection we can develop a very close bond.
This unfortunately leaves me very vulnerable, and there have been plenty of times that the people I cared for have not responded in kind and I have been on the receiving end of a lot of heartbreak and emotional pain.
Unfortunately I’m a very easy target. These emotional wounds have affected me very deeply and I’m finding it difficult to open myself up to others any more and I just can’t trust people. I’m just too easy to take advantage of emotionally.
I’m not afraid to say here that I’m a ridiculously flawed woman, but although I agree with much of this article I find it difficult to allow myself to be vulnerable anymore. I just think I lack the strength for it after what I’ve been through.
Being a vulnerable problem can expose you to a lot of hurt. But you are not a victim unless you unconsciously choose to be. The wonderful thing is that you are aware of the fact that your vulnerability makes you suffer, and the next step is to become mindful of how much you share of yourself with others. I hope you take the advice in this article to heart. x
you are right in your analysis this leads to isolation and hence giving way to depression.
Dear Luna, I grew up in an emotional prison with an extremely harsh mother. Existing was bad, except to clean and be an adult child who was suppose to do everything perfect or be punished. If I made a sound or cried during punishment, I kept getting more. If I had any expression in my eyes, I would get more blows. Love was a dirty word in the house. You were suppose to be tough.
When I went out of my own, I would isolate between being too vulnerable or not being vulnerable enough. I could not figure how vulnerability in other women was accepted, appreciated and loved. But when I was vulnerable, I was judged as foolish and how dare I want something. I couldn’t figure it out for about 3 decades. Even with my family or my sisters, I wasn’t respected because I had failed relationships with men that didn’t respect me. My work was the place that I shined because I was able to be confident and strong, and always a leader. But eventually, my mental illness caught up with me and I had a break down, and it’s been a long time recovering.
However, my recovery has not been a bad thing. I was able to finally have the time to deal with my vulnerability issue. I started writing little blog posts about life, politics, mental illness and mostly spirituality. Sometimes people liked my posts and other times they didn’t. My “LonerWolf” life has not necessarily steered me to main stream thinking. Some of my posts have been brave and accepted as so. I go through my phases where I isolate and then have courage to be “seen” again. What I have learned, and what I believe is the reason for my happiness/contentment now, is that I am able to be vulnerable to myself. I don’t measure myself with how well I meld with the people in my life, I am able to retain my own self respect, and I get to experience the joy of being vulnerable with myself. If I am vulnerable with others, it is something that I have chosen to do that day and I’m willing to accept the consequences good or bad.
Thank you, Luna.
“What I have learned, and what I believe is the reason for my
happiness/contentment now, is that I am able to be vulnerable to myself.
I don’t measure myself with how well I meld with the people in my
life, I am able to retain my own self respect…” I love hearing this Debra! For me it is beautiful to see the birthing of personal wisdom, and that is what you have developed through your long life journey. To be open and vulnerable with yourself is one of the best gifts you can give to yourself over and over again. It means that you can accept yourself more wholly and fully, it means you can be authentic with yourself, and it means that you can grow to sincerely love the person you are. Thank you for sharing with us your powerful story, and lessons learnt!
Thank you Luna! Your enthusiasm and sweetness makes me smile.
Ahaha cant take the truth took my comment off, indeed without prey a predator cant work his art
Nice article, its only worth being vulnerable when there is a chance of a payoff and the payoff is more than the pain, eg is it worth being depressed all the time jus to get the feeling of relief u get for 2hours wen u get drunk, surely not, when hurt is inevitable because uno who ure dealing with only a gullible fool would willingly be vulnerable, the reason ppl not willing to be vulnerable in the first place is because they no most other ppl will just take advantage, its a dog eat dog world,every man for himself unfortunately, in the ideal world there would be no such thing as ‘vulnerability’ since there would be no hurt or pain
Tetly, as with anything in life, vulnerability must be approached with intelligence and foresight. This article is not encouraging people to always, 100% of the time be vulnerable without assessing the context of the situation. For instance, it would be unwise to show vulnerability to a person who you know for a fact will use it against you. That is not only stupid, but masochistic. However, there are many other situations in life where vulnerability is an asset – e.g. relationships, friendships, opportunities, self-expression. I hope this better clarifies the intention behind my article. :)
Thank you for sharing!
It is good to understand the core reason behind everything.
My pleasure Hatem. And yes, without going to the depths of our beliefs and perceptions in our society we are blinded by ignorance.
It takes a certain kind of courage to recognize that making oneself more vulnerable makes one stronger.
The risk is that you are exposing yourself to all kinds of hurt and ridicule by being vulnerable. What is gained by it is more profound, deep and subtle. Our society, which emphasizes instant physical rewards, fails to appreciate this by and large.
As always, a wonderful article.
Very well said Vivek, very perceptive. Instant gratification is one of the major reasons why many of us miss the meaningful subtleties and long-term rewards of life. If something doesn’t immediately feel good, we are taught that it must be bad and should be avoided in favor of something easier and more pleasing.
Many thanks for reading!
You always impress me by your writing, Luna.
Cause, we seem (almost) went through the same things. May be we are introvert. haha
I’m just want to ask your opinion. What do you think about a man is being vulnerable to the other people or to his lady? because what usual people think is a man should be strong, not showing his weakness. That doctrine somehow affected me.
Thank you for your willingness. Best regards for both of you :)
For men, showing vulnerability is EXTRA hard given the masculine ideal in our society. I would say be open and express your vulnerability slowly. Many of us need to relearn how to be vulnerable, and small steps helps us to gradually accomplish that. Your certainly don’t want to go out of your way to be vulnerable at first because it could be too much for you to handle.
Also, women really appreciate open expressions of vulnerability because it allows them to relate to you more. In the end, the best thing to do is to listen to your intuition, you gut feeling, and stop when you feel you are exposing yourself too much.
Thank you for asking Iqbal! :)