Vulnerability. We equate it with being naive, gullible and worst of all, weak. All throughout our lives, we are taught that the opposite state of being is not only preferable but virtuous.
Being guarded, protected and insusceptible to the whims of life is praised not only as a virtue but as the emotional and mental ‘ideal’ in our society. After all, who wants to get hurt? Who wants to be exposed and liable to any capricious thing that happens to us in life? The answer … very few of us!
The reality is that not only are we all vulnerable no matter how hard we try not to be, but we are actually approaching vulnerability with a completely twisted and muddled mindset.
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The Paradox of Vulnerability
The vulnerability paradox: It’s the first thing I look for in you, and the last thing I want you to see in me. ~ Brene Brown
Vulnerability is a very puzzling part of our human experience. We look for it in others, but hide from it in ourselves. We don’t want it, but we need it.
The truth is, vulnerability does make us more susceptible to hurt, heartbreak and disappointment – there’s no denying that! But without allowing ourselves to be vulnerable we can’t experience the joy and rapture of life, we can’t be our authentic selves and we can’t be human, because to be human is to be imperfect.
Embracing vulnerability, as I have discovered myself, opens many doors of opportunity. Without cracking the illusion of my perfect facade for example, I never would have been able to write for LonerWolf exposing my innumerable frailties and flaws. I wouldn’t have been able to learn from that which shook, challenged and exposed me. And I wouldn’t have been able to connect with, and create a sanctuary of acceptance and understanding for so many wonderfully flawed people.
To be vulnerable is to be courageous, for vulnerability stands defiantly in the face of fear, accepting the uncertainty of possible attack or compromise. To refuse or deny your own vulnerability is to close yourself off to life and all of its opportunities out of fear, not strength.
As stated by author Stephen Russel:
Vulnerability is the only authentic state. Being vulnerable means being open, for wounding, but also for pleasure. Being open to the wounds of life means also being open to the bounty and beauty.
Opening Yourself Up to Vulnerability
“Why the hell would I want to make myself more vulnerable?” For many, this is the kind of knee-jerk reaction given to such a prospect. The truth is, there are many reasons why:
- Embracing vulnerability allows you to feel more connected with other people, and thus build more satisfying bonds.
- Embracing vulnerability improves you romantic and intimate relationships by making you more emotionally available.
- Embracing vulnerability allows you to be more authentic and honest with yourself, and others.
- Embracing vulnerability opens many doors to you that would have otherwise remained shut if you had closed yourself off.
- Embracing vulnerability allows you to be challenged and thus grow, learn and be strengthened.
- Embracing vulnerability promotes general well-being by allowing you to wholeheartedly experience everything life has to offer.
To me, being vulnerable is still a terrifying experience, something I equate to walking around naked in public with the words “hit me” painted on my forehead. The truth is, this fear is the same for almost all of us. You are not alone. Like me, you’re probably still learning how to embrace vulnerability, and how to master this great act of bravery in your life. If you are, you may benefit from what I have learnt so far:
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1. Cultivate personal confidence through love.
One of the biggest reasons why people become shut-offs is due to their crippling lack of confidence and self-love. When we have little respect for ourselves, the criticism and judgment of others come as huge shattering blows that severely cripple us. No wonder many of us despise vulnerability! The more self-love you cultivate, the more confidence you have in yourself and thus the easier it is to embrace vulnerability.
2. How people treat you is a reflection of how they treat themselves.
Often times our displays of vulnerability are met with snide remarks, and hurtful evaluations. The truth is, the way we are treated by other people is a direct reflection of how they treat themselves. Good-natured people rarely treat others badly, and likewise, depressed and cranky people rarely treat others kindly. We can show forgiveness and move on once we realize this.
3. Let go of the need to control.
I’m a control freak. There. I said it. How about you? To acknowledge and accept your imperfections, and let go of the need to control how others see you is an essential step in embracing vulnerability. Practicing non-resistance is difficult, but an essential life skill.
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Vulnerability is an immense asset, and yet our current values and ideals in society portray it as undesirable and dangerous to our well-being. In reality, the opposite is true: our vulnerability empowers us to love deeper and grow stronger.
Now it’s your turn! Feel free to share with me your opinions and experiences on this topic!
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Today, 21th january, 2024, i received an intuitive message out of the blue in nature, regarding an important question i had inside of me. The message was: INTEGRATE VULNERABILITY ! 3 minutes later i found this text via google. Thank you for sharing this heartwarming insights. Ralf Michael from Bavaria 😍😄
Actually, if anything, I find a complete lack of vulnerability about as dangerous as an extreme excess of vulnerability in life. As the law of attraction states, what you are is what you attract. So if you go around provoking people by trying to seem overly tough, strong, and cold all the time, not everyone is going to be as intimidated as you think. Others will react to this instead by getting angrier at you, more hostile, and others will laugh at you like you laugh ed at them. I can easily explain what the total opposite extreme will do to attract people who take advantage of you, but also don’t underestimate what people you’ll meet over time who will be more dangerous if you try to shut down emotionally to them, rather than to try to reach out to their soft side. It takes a subtle balance over things. Personally, I try to assert myself when needed, but when it comes to minor arguments, debates, and fights, they’re too much of a waste of time to focus on. And if I focus on too much drama, I suppose I’ll attract too much drama in my life though. Though that goes without saying, that the opposite extreme of not asserting yourself doesn’t always prevent people from attacking you, hurting you, or taking advantage of you, because you can’t try to win people over, by giving them kindness, being nice, or being empathetic. Kindness is not really rewarded all the time. You have to understand that being nice won’t persuade everyone, but neither does forcefully getting angry persuade everyone either. Find a balance, and know which context to use which. Know the type of person you’re dealing with, and you’ll know.
I have a question, as i have had difficulties while being vulnerable. in relationships and other situations, i sieze to be able to enforce healthy boudaries, or trust my gut feel and intuition. Which caused rather avoidable situations, i.e narssisstic relationships prolonging more than they should or would have otherwise.
I think i am getting better at it, as even those unfavorable situations turned out to be the best teaching experiences but i would very much like to know what you think.
How can we be vulnerable and still practice healthy boudaries? can the two co-exist? Is it about changing attitude when seeing red flags?
Thank you for your work ❤
I can relate to your question and post here.From my own experience (having narcissistic parents) it is VERY hard for me to set those boundaries. There is almost always manipulation around them. And I can understand how tough it is. Indeed there are so many lessons we can learn from such relationships. I am learning to be discerning when I can be vulnerable and with whom. It takes practice.
Best of luck on your journey. :)
I totally agree… by being vulnerable with myself I discovered my authentic self, by being honest and accepting myself I realized that being vulnerable is the only way to have a real connection with yourself and other people. So I try to be vulnerable and authentic as much as possible. And I can sense it’s upgrading my life enormously… and making me experience inner peace because I’m more in alignment with my authentic self.
Where do you set the border between vulnerability and victimhood? Vulnerability is a great divine part of us as well, only we have not to identify with itself, with the emotion.
Hey Maddalena. This is an interesting question. You might find some answers here: https://lonerwolf.com/victim-mentality/
This a beautiful article, not only have I refused to be vulnerable, I have always been 5 steps ahead of any ‘danger’ that could crippled me emotionally. I have done this all my life yet it’s in the last 3 years that by meeting my best friend, my partner, my soul mate. Who has been there at my worst times, has taught me that being vulnerable & your authentic self is ok & it has opened my eyes to much more. It’s hard to change what’s been hardwired in childhood, but by becoming more self aware in so many areas & accepting myself (slowly) that I can retrain my thinking for better future. Thank you so much for your words, have touched me deeply
♡ thank you Jess
“The truth is, the way we are treated by other people is a direct reflection of how they treat themselves. Good-natured people rarely treat others badly, and likewise, depressed and cranky people rarely treat others kindly. “
– i agree in this phrase. sometimes you actual tell whole problem and asking for their forgiveness. How sorry and feel bad you are. but its quite vulnerable for them to accept everything then they treat you that your existence doesn’t matter at all. is it quite fair or they just being honest to tell what they truly want???
No it’s not fair godly talking