At the moment of betrayal a
wound is opened in our most
vulnerable spot—our original
trust—which is that of a
totally defenceless infant who
cannot survive in the world
except in someone’s arms.
– Aldo Caratenuto
Betrayal trauma is such a raw and confronting topic that I almost didn’t want to write this post at first. Writing heavy topics isn’t always fun, but I know that it’s necessary.
As such, I must warn you before proceeding: please take care of yourself.
If at any point you get feelings or memories that come up that you don’t have the capacity right now to process, please take a break and come back another time. This article, from my heart to yours, will always be here waiting for you.
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As painful as the topic of betrayal trauma can be, it’s worth exploring as it’s not only a path of deep healing but it’s also a doorway to spiritual actualization and transformation.
If, at any point in life, you have experienced a huge betrayal of trust, this post is for you.
Table of contents
Have You Experienced Betrayal Trauma? 5 Symptoms
Firstly, let’s examine some key betrayal trauma symptoms.
You’ve experienced betrayal trauma if you’ve experienced any combination of the following:
- You depended on a parent or caregiver at a young age who betrayed your trust in some way that caused you to experience terror, dissociation, or shock.
- You depended on a partner or spouse as an adult who wounded you in a profound way, whether mentally, emotionally, or physically/sexually, causing you to experience intense fear, grief, or abandonment.
- The betrayal of trust came through any of the following ways: mental, emotional, sexual, or physical abuse, abandonment, neglect, infidelity, or manipulation.
- As you were physically, emotionally, or financially dependent on that significant person in your life, you were unable to get away easily and, therefore, had to stay in the situation for a prolonged period of time.
- As a result, you developed symptoms of trauma, such as anxiety, depression, dissociation, PTSD symptoms, trust issues, addictions, and various other forms of mental and emotional dysregulation.
Betrayal Trauma as an Original Wound
Everyone has an original wound that replays itself in many guises. It becomes a recurring theme in life, oftentimes repeating a script of scarcity, loss, lack of love, betrayal, or abandonment within a family and across generations. – Alberto Villoldo
There are many flavors of betrayal trauma, with some being more intense than others.
My betrayal trauma, for instance, has a distinctly fundamentally religious edge to it, with my birth family choosing their religious beliefs over me, their “sinful” firstborn child.
For others, betrayal trauma can come in the form of being abandoned at a young age, sexually assaulted by a family member, or any other number of horrific experiences.
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Betrayal trauma is often the first significant wound that we experience in life, and for this reason, it can be thought of as an ‘original wound.’
In other words, if you want to get to the core of a lot of suffering in your life, you can trace it right back to your original wound of betrayal trauma.
Betrayal Trauma as a Sacred Wound
The healer’s gift is her own wound. It’s the source of empathy and true understanding; of compassion and forgiving. To heal thyself, embrace your wound as your sacred teacher. – B. Lillith
Betrayal trauma, other than being an original wound, is also a sacred wound. It is, to paraphrase the mystic Rumi, the crack through which the light comes through.
Without experiencing such a deep shock, such a profound loss of innocence, it is doubtful that we would ever develop the qualities of compassion and insight in the first place.
How else could we understand and truly empathize with others who have gone through such deep-seated injuries to the heart?
This is where the archetype of the wounded healer comes into the picture.
Those who have experienced significant betrayal trauma are often destined to become healers in some way, shape, or form.
And as a healer, you have the opportunity to turn your pain into power – to alchemize your suffering into the very balm that someone else may desperately be searching for.
Betrayal trauma is a sacred wound because, when you learn how to harness its power, you can:
- Find your voice and come out of the shadows
- Share something of deep value with others
- Make a meaningful difference in the world
How to Harness the Power of Your Sacred Wound and Discover Deeper Healing
For a long time after leaving the abusive religious ideology of my childhood, I felt grieved, anxious, depressed, and lost.
The experience would haunt my dreams at night as I relived the judgment, disdain, and coldness of those I lived with for the first two decades of my life – the very same people who I had come to trust.
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Shortly before packing up my bags as a 19-year-old and leaving one early autumn morning, I wrote the following poem entitled ‘Old Woman.’ It went like this:
Who is that with hooded eyes?
Whose eyes are like the ashen skies
which cloud and dim and roam for miles,
a shadowed look
and lonely smile?
And as the curtains billow high
the eyes that sigh for days gone by,
cry:
“A mausoleum, a crypt, here sit I,
in regimented loneliness where old souls die,
for the love of family faded and dimmed,
I: an empty cup with an overflowing brim,
grew grim as I sat contemplating the lie:
no guarantee of love from family ties.
After I left, my world shattered. My anxiety became so bad that not only did I fail to hold down a job, but I could barely function in society.
Going to get groceries, for instance, filled me with so much anxiety that I felt I was going crazy. Catching the bus would put me so on edge that I would sit frozen in fear the entire time.
The only way I learned how to harness the power of this wound was by transmuting it through writing, creating, and helping others.
In other words, I had to shift out of the role of victim and into the role of creator. That’s what freed me from much of that anxiety and grief.
In the words of Jean Houston:
The wounding becomes sacred when we are willing to release our old stories and to become the vehicles through which the new story may emerge into time.
So, how do you harness the power of your sacred wound and discover deeper healing? I can only share what has worked for me:
- Writing – Journal every day. Write about your feelings. Explore the ‘inner wilds’ of your psyche. Meet your inner child and your shadow parts. Dialogue with your Soul and wiser Self. Use writing as a form of meditation, counseling, soul retrieval, and ensoulment. Writing combined with visualization and meditation is my favorite way of doing inner work.
- Creating – Transmute your pain into power through the act of creativity. Let the life force energy flow in strange, beautiful, and unique ways to you. For me, that meant creating this website. Nearly 13 years later, I’m still doing this!
- Helping others – Let your creativity be guided by one central principle: to help others. To embrace the role of healer or helper, you need a guiding force that goes beyond you and your pain. Be the mirror that helps others see their worth. Be the light that helps to ignite the spark of other’s brilliance. You never know whose life you can impact simply by creatively engaging with life and sharing something with the world.
Shifting the role of victim to creator, for me, was the key to finding freedom and healing from betrayal trauma.
Yes, it’s crucial to acknowledge the victimization that happened. There’s no denying what occurred. And yes, there will always be a scar that hurts sometimes when pressed.
But in the words of trauma specialist Peter Levine,
Traumatic symptoms are not caused by the ‘triggering’ event itself. They stem from the frozen residue of energy that has not been resolved and discharged; this residue remains trapped in the nerve system where it can wreak havoc on our bodies and spirits.
The key, therefore, is to unfreeze that stuck energy through movement of some kind – physically, mentally, and emotionally.
The act of creation, whether through journaling or dancing or painting, caters to all three.
Creatively shifting our identity, finding an outlet for our feelings, and transforming the pain into a source of nourishment for others is the path through betrayal trauma.
Some Questions to Contemplate
To close, I want to leave you with some questions to contemplate.
You can find more deeply therapeutic questions in my Self-Love Journal and Inner Child Work Journal, which I’ve created as a labor of love to work through this type of deep-seated wounding:
Inner Work Journal Bundle:
Ready to take your spiritual practice to new depths? Our highly-rated set of guided inner work journals leads you step-by-step through processing trauma, transmuting pain into power, and finding transformation through deep healing and self-illumination.
- In what way can you use your wound of betrayal in service of helping others to heal?
- What does shifting from victim to creator identity look like for you?
- Visualize or sense your inner child part. What do they most need from you to feel safe and loved right now?
I hope these questions unveil some deep and rewarding answers.
Betrayal trauma is a sacred wound because it invokes the fires of emotional healing, mental transmutation, and spiritual transformation.
May your pain be a path of healing for others.
Share with me your thoughts and feelings about the topic of betrayal trauma in the comments. How has this impacted you? You never know who else may relate to what you write!
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I guess, it must be an betrayal wound.
Growing up with the narc parent, everytime you opend up and trusted this person with something personal, it will be used against you.
(There are probably more examples)
Its indeed a theme in my life what keeps repeating itself.
You never know when people are really trustworthy, i could sum up so many of experienced examples on this point, of people that somehow ended up stabbing you in de back anyway.
After a while you just give up on letting people in and trying to built connections. Its safer!
For that, it is causing isolation as well.
In the beginning i dealt with all these uncomfortable feelings as if something was wrong with me because i was not able to maintain friendships.
After a while I was able to let go of those limited beliefs, and life started to become easier. Building and enjoying the solo life.
Now that I am in this current phase of the journey where i am learning that healthy and safe connections are important for our overall wellbeing as human beings. I feel at a crossroad. How will i be able to take that leap of faith letting other people in again?? While you have all the experienced memories (and scars) in your back pocket? I understand the importance of safe connections. Especially if i want my health back. I am sure that is the reason why i ended up chronic ill in the first place. Growing up a loveless life, with a nervous system in a chronic state of masculine survival.
With the knowledge i’ve gathered now,….. that’s a fantastic recipe for disaster!
Wishing you love and blessings, on your journey. You have overcome so much. Yes, trusting and letting people in, can be a real challenge. Especially after what you have experienced. There are beautiful people out therem nurturing and caring. Gently, gently does it. Namaste
Aletheia, you are magnificent! I truly resonate with your writing, and appreciate the timing of this article so fully.
I am currently not able to see the woods for the trees. I know I should be grateful for my journey but I’m feeling lost and totally isolated. I left behind my judgemental and alienating “family” in August. After trying for so many years, I realized I wasn’t with my Tribe, and it wasn’t meant to be, no matter how much I appreciated and sympathized with them. And I’ll leave my past trauma out of this for now.
So I flew to India (from South Africa) hoping to find a spiritual path meant for me (all the years I followed Buddhism to try calm my mental noise and delusions)
Unfortunately, after 83 days at an Ashram, I realized I needed Buddhism, not Hinduism. I travelled from Coimbatore to Sarnath and sat for days at the site where The Buddha gave his first sermon. Totally peaceful experience.
Then, due to visa expiry I decided to come to Nepal. In between and during all this amazing travel I’ve had days of utter loneliness. Crying uncontrollably. But I just think, let this happen. It’s part of your healing. All the years of silence and watching the way others treated me. I’m 55 years old and still don’t know what to do. Actually I do kind of. I want to develop my meditation and reach enlightenment, which has been my yearning and my goal for as long as I can remember. I’ve applied at a Nunnery here in Nepal, but they cannot take foreigners. I’m feeling blocked everywhere I turn.
But as blue as I am, I just persevere. I know somewhere, somehow it will happen and it will be better than I expected.
Again, ThanQ Aletheia. And to everyone else reading this. We do have purpose. The experiences of our past bring us here, and we see we are not alone in our suffering. But we can support our own hearts with the love and compassion we expect the world to supply us. We are all magnificent beings with a precious human life.
Feeling blocked might be the universe intervening. Protect you from something, or saving you for something better. There might be another road out there for you. Maybe with a little detour, you never know. ;)
I always have admiration for people who are able to just leave everything behind and start traveling. I have thought about it alot. But when it comes to actuall planning a trip the anxiety and stress is debilitating. It took me a long time to really understand and let go of the idea, that traveling is the only way for this spiritual/healing journey.
I feel stuck in the town we’re I live, especially the near neighborhood. Since last summer and all the ridiculous violence and stuff going on, I realized, it is one massive learning school! I just hope I learned enough in this place and i am allowed to leave, for the sake of my own health.
Wishing you well! 🙏🏼
@Evelien Don’t wait to do what you yearn for. Living with regret is a totally sad and unnecessary emotion. Just do it! I have already made and refocused my mind on alternative plans. If it’s meant for me it will happen.
Wishing you well too!
Thank you, that is so kind! As much i would love to be that active and spontanious person again, my health is not allowing me to do much unfortunatly. Basic life things like getting my groceries home and keep the house clean is about everything i get done on a weekly base with my current energy levels.
Thank you for article. I find that before I can ask In what way can you use your wound of betrayal in service of helping others to heal? I must ask how I can first be in service of helping myself to heal. Healing others would, for me, simply be leaving my wound unattended and making me feel like I am healed as my focus is on others wounds. How i have been in service to myself when the betrayal wound is running my thoughts and emotions is to feel the pain rather than try to change it. It is becoming familiar with this uncomfortable feeling so i can begin to understand that it is this state of mind that is causing my internal suffering, not what is actually happening. So I can start to recognise when I am falling for the victim, reacting through the wound(so rather than feel shame or victim) I feel compassion for myself, understanding what is driving me. I can then come back to the adult me, look at what is happening outside of my wounded perspective, and respond accordingly. We all have wounds, we do not all have to be healers. For me it is an opportunity to begin the awakening into the consciousness of the moment, taking responsibility for my reactions and understanding that I will not always get it right, some days my wound can be overwhelming till i realise what is happening and through conscious awareness, i can rise myself up. This also helps me to be compassionate to others reactions through their wounds as i see myself n them…that does not mean have to tolerate abusive behaviour but i can walk away with my boundaries in place but not with hatred, just an understanding. And please let us not underestimate the importance that we cannot heal alone, sometimes we need to as for professional help to help guide us through those moments of complete lost. much love Mary xx
Thank you for this beautiful reframe, Mary. Sometimes, we’re in a place where we can’t focus on pursuing a higher meaning other than healing simply for ourselves, and that is perfect. Sometimes, that’s all that is needed 💜
I most definitely have betrayal trauma stemming from my childhood and thought I was doing a good job in healing until this past August when my oldest son took his life and my daughter told me she couldn’t support me. I know she was caught ip in her grief as we all were but the reason she was mad at me is just beyond extreme. She is having to deal with not having had a relationship with him and got mad because I was happy at his celebration of life. I was there to celebrate my son and I did that! Needless to say, the abandonment wound got ripped open again and bigger this go round. All I can do is remember all of us grieve differently and it is unique as our relationships were unique. Grief does weird things!
My heart goes out to you, Lucinda. I can’t imagine the depth of pain you and your daughter must have been through since August. Grief manifests in such different ways as you point out. My wish for you and your daughter is that you can each find your own unique form of healing. The wound may shrink in time, but the scar never goes away. Thank you so much for your courage and vulnerability in sharing this. Sending so much love your way 💗
Thank you, this post has been a massive help. Thank you for helping others through what you do. I have recently just gone through betrayal so I just wanted to say thank you for this post from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for sharing your wisdom & knowledge & for helping us to also heal wounds. Much love & light. 💕
Thank you so much for sharing this, Courtney. I really appreciate knowing this. Wishing you lots of love and healing 💜
Thank you, Aletheia, for your message on betrayal trauma and healing. It is very helpful. As well, your poem is amazing, too.Clay
Thank you Clayton, that means a lot!
Thank you for these valuable ideas. Thank you for everything you share in this valuable site. I had bought the spiritual healing bundle several years ago and it healed so many childhood traumas that is why I trust every single word.
May God bestow healing and clarity for everyone seeking the light ❤️
I cherish reading this, Dina. With lots of love and gratitude 🙏 💜
Healing Hand
I found her hiding beneath the tree,
That frightened child, the ghost of me,
Her fragile frame curled, head on knee,
And my heart surged with raw immensity.
In trembling tones, I dared to say,
“Hello, sweet one,” though my voice gave way.
Her tear-streaked eyes, a storm untamed,
Met mine with a gaze both wild and pained.
“I’m a little lost—could we be friends?”
I asked with love my soul extends.
But silence held her in its clutch,
A weight of fear too thick to touch.
Released at last, I knelt down near,
Rested my head and shed my tears.
Each sob tore loose, a primal sound,
Echoes that cracked, then spun around.
And then—her hand, so small, so slight,
Brushed my cheek with a touch of light.
A pulse of love broke through my cries,
A bridge was built beneath her eyes.
Her gaze, so timid, so vast, so wild,
Held the depth of a haunted child.
Pain surged free, a torrent untamed,
Yet left behind a love reclaimed.
From that moment, I made my vow:
To love her fiercely, here and now.
No shadow, no torment could tear us apart;
She’d live forever within my heart.
In laughter, in trust, our healing began,
We ripped up the scripts, rewrote the plan.
Through hopscotch steps and barefoot play,
We forged a world where pain gave way.
That day I promised, and still I do:
“From this day forth, I’ll cherish you.
Safe in my arms, you’ll always remain,
Protected from sorrow, sheltered from pain.”
It’s not always easy to turn within,
To face the child beneath the skin.
But she is waiting, as brave as you—
To make her whole, is to make you true.
Beautiful and powerful. The words hit home in so many ways. Thank you for sharing this, Amanda! Wow 😍
Awesome words, thanks.
There is no better way to describe everything you can feel inside. Thank you for sharing.
Wishing you well! 🙏🏼
I feel that I’ve been betrayed by my parents who didn’t protect me from harm. I’ve always wondered why I cried nearly every night. I cried so much then that I haven’t had any tears left in the past 20+ years. I haven’t cried for the loss of my grandparents, parents or husband. Now I’m an old woman, alone and as brittle as can be.
My parents would have loud parties on school nights, drink and then fight. My father would stumble home from the bar after work, vomit, then my mom would yell for him to get up for work, he’s going to be late.
I think I can count at least three times that my brother tried to kill me. He lived under my parents roof and they paid all of his expenses. He told me he was protecting his inheritance.
My sister would have every boyfriend of mine over to her house. She was a drug addict, sex addict, alcoholic and shoplifter. She lost custody of her kids and ended up following my parents move to Florida because she was dependent upon them too.
My first real boyfriend at 16 was six years older than I, a heroin addict and convicted felon.
I joined the National Guard, worked and went to community college. After a few years they said I should take the test to go to Officer Candidate School. I received an Officer’s Commission, worked full-time and eventually graduated with two bachelor’s degrees.
My parents introduced me to a man they knew and we hit it off immediately. We had similar backgrounds and views of life. We got married. We bought a house. There were signs that I brushed off with excuses. We had two children.
The kids grew up, he developed a heart condition and had to retire. I had a very stressful job. He refused to take care of any home repairs for many years. His income was 3x what I earned. I didn’t want to be a nag. I paid utilities, childcare, cellphones. I coped by overeating and gained a lot of weight.
When he died, I found that he didn’t leave anything to help me get by. Not even enough for his funeral.
I began a QiGong practice which allowed me to shake off negative energy, send it away and draw good energy to myself as well as send positive energy to my brother or anyone that I could think of in need.
QiGong breathing methods also help with debilitating anxiety.
I don’t journal and am going to try it.
I like being alone. I’m far from perfect, am not a good cook or housekeeper. I’m working on getting myself back. I want my creativity back as well as my health/fitness. I watch too much TV and spend too much time on the internet.
Kim, you have experienced a lot of trauma in life, from what you write. The fact that you managed to find a way of doing something just for you (Qigong) after all this pain is a sign that things are shifting for you. You’re becoming more aware, more awake. You’re starting to care for that little one inside, even if she does spend a little too much time on the TV and internet. 😋 I hope you see how far you’ve come and how much you should be proud of yourself. Thank you for sharing this 💜
Sometimes the betrayal comes not from a person but the path itself or spirit or god or a teacher.
You are taught that if you follow the good path good things will come to you.
But you become sick and experience darkness for 10 years you try to find work but nothing comes you write a blog but nothing comes you write books but nothing comes.
You think its karma or fate and thats life.
Some people have a business mindset and intelligence like you do.
Things work for you but no one else.
You have a great business mindset appealing to weak and vulnerable people.
You will win financially but many will lose.
Ukraine, Russia Israel Palestine.
Cyclists die, people fall from cliffs.
You will win but many lose.
Life is meaningless.
Hi David, I can relate to what you are saying. I had a wonderful life until I didn’t. I can look back and find several reasons why, or what caused it to fail. But in reality it really came down to choices I made along the way. Unfortunately, but more so, fortunately, it all came to a very abrupt end, or so I thought, when I literally died in a major accident.
After my accident, in the next year, I lost everything. Like you said, life had no meaning. After a DUI, I decided that self degradation was not the right path. So, I set out to change that. What happened next, I never would have expected.
I started going to places, to find people sitting by themselves. I would wait for a while to make sure they were by themselves. I would then go and sit near them. Not next to them, just close enough so we could talk. After a few back and forth about the weather, sports, or whatever. I would ask about their life and how that was going. Sometimes straight up, sometimes in a round about way.
After some time they would always bring up what was going bad in their lives. Most times I would just sit and listen. Occasionally nodding or saying, Yeah, I understand. But after they were done, I would always remind them. “You are an awesome, amazing person. You should not let people drag you down like that. You have a right to feel the way you do. Only you and God know what you did or didn’t do. Remember you are awesome, and don’t let ANYONE tell you any different”.
It usually ended up with a big hug, and maybe a few tears. It felt good to give someone the time to let it all out. Even if it was to a stranger. But, I showed them that I cared enough to sit and listen. That is all they wanted. Just someone to listen.
I will close with this, give it a try. Remember, go in with an open heart, be willing to just listen. Let your instincts guide you. Sometimes your instincts knows better than your heart or head. And remember, YOU, are AWESOME, don’t let ANYONE tell you any different, my friend.
Sending you many blessings, and a huge hug. Be well.
Hi Dave,
I understand you very well as I’ve had these thoughts, too. What I’ve made up to myself is: Mankind, if seen from far above (which if course we can’t) is very much like looking at ants: they all have a purpose and an aim and know exactly what they’re up to and where to go, though it seems pretty randomly and chaotic to us. Some are tread upon or get eaten by bird or whatever, and die. But not one of these lives is meaningless or pointless. Neither is yours. Life is not about making money, and I tell you this because I have lived in poverty myself and very often did not know how pay the rent or bills. Clothing I got from the charity and food was sometimes free. Sure those aren’t circumstances that will rend you happy.
I feel the same about what’s going on in the world, still and still although I know I can’t change it. Tomorrow (Jan.26th.) a memorial will be held for all the dead children in Palestine. Is this of any significance to you? The name if every killed child will be read out loud, this will take two days. It won’t bring the children back to life, but it shows that even their short life was not meaningless. To me it’s sort if comforting. There’s someone who cares, despite all the heartless, gutless, spineless and brainless politicians in the world.
So please don’t give up but look for yourself what “the good path” is. Don’t let others tell you what they consider “the good path”.
I wish you all the best and peace inside!
Such beautiful responses from Sabine and Louis, thank you 💜 I hope you manage to internalize them a little and they help, David 🐺