We’ve been the rubbernecks. The doormats. The wishy-washy, watery weaklings. Us introverts have had plenty of experience of being the unheard, uninvolved and unassertive ones in social situations.
But just as being shy doesn’t necessarily mean you’re introverted, neither does being introverted necessarily mean you’re by default an unassertive person. Unfortunately, however, our reserved and quiet natures mean that we’re frequently cautious, slow-to-speak and passive, usually resulting in a lack of personal assertiveness. Unless we are self-aware, our temperaments can serve to elevate our levels of passivity or passive-aggression.
On one hand, we can fall into the trap of being walked over because we don’t know how to be assertive. On the other hand, we can fall into the trap of becoming reactively passive-aggressive, because of our inability to practice healthy assertiveness. Either way, for most empowered introverts learning to be quietly assertive is an invaluable life skill that will greatly enhance almost every area of your life.
Spiritual Wanderer Course:
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐ "I started the Spiritual Wanderers Course a short while ago and for the first time in twelve years I have started to experience love, acceptance and compassion for myself and within myself. Thank you so much." – Vivienne S.
Like any introvert, I have had experience with both passivity and passive-aggression. Only in recent years after researching the lives of quietly assertive introverts and practicing quiet assertiveness myself, have I discovered some of the best and most beneficial tips. Review some of these ways to Control, Alt and Delete unassertiveness from your life below.
Please don’t do that … or I’ll have to castrate you
“How can I deal with conflict?”
For many quiet, introverted and loner types, having to deal with conflict is not only confronting, but is basically our biggest pathological fear. We like to avoid it at all costs, and when conflict does come along, we don’t know how to approach it – perhaps due to our inexperience of avoiding it so much. I’m no pin-up model for dealing healthily with conflict – in fact, I’ve had plenty of times of tears, passive-aggression and chagrined stony silences. But in my experience, the peaceful practice of passive resistance is the wisest way to approach conflict, not only for introverts, but extroverts as well.
Indian political leader and renowned introvert Mahatma Ghandi, can be thanked for the modern day practice of passive, or nonviolent resistance. This form of action can be attributed to many of the picketing, lobbying, boycotts and protest music produced in the world today. It can also be attributed to the well-known behavior of American African woman Rosa Parks whose quiet assertiveness and passive resistance led to her refusal to sit on the “black side” of a bus in December 1955. So what are the marks of passive resistance?
What to Do & What Not to Do When Passively Resisting
- Don’t make assumptions.
- Don’t use emotional or accusational language.
- Don’t shout or use aggressive tones of voice.
- Don’t use verbal or physical threats or any form of black mail.
- Don’t use verbal insults, or belittling language of a personal nature.
- Don’t emotionally sabotage in any way.
- Don’t use psychological manipulation.
- Don’t use physical violence.
On the other hand …
- Do be mindful.
- Do be calm, both mentally and emotionally.
- Do have confidence and poise.
- Do use words that challenge the persons behavior NOT them as a person. You must be able to distinguish between them and their actions and not generalize them as being the spawn of Satan e.g. Good examples of positive passive resistance are: “I don’t appreciate the way you’re behavior just affected me”, “I don’t like those words you just used – they’re inappropriate“.
- Do use open body language and words that encourage civility, questioning and negotiation.
- Do use language that clearly distinguishes your perception of the situation from the reality of the situation to the person. e.g. “The way I saw that situation at lunch was that you and Samantha don’t like my personality. Is that right?”, “When you said those words, I felt as though you were personally attacking me. Is that correct?”
- Do walk away from the situation if the person becomes overly verbally (or even physically) abusive. Explain to them that you’ll talk to them later and that you’re not interested in their aggression.
I want to say something … but I feel like puking …
Being quietly assertive can be a nerve-wracking experience for the introvert stuck in the habitual patterns of passivity and passive-aggression. However, if you’re eager to conquer your anxiety and get the ball rolling, these tips may help:
1. Start by being mindful of your behavior and your internal patterns of thought when you enter a troublesome situation (i.e. when you feel you could be more quietly assertive).
Shadow & Light Membership:
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐ "Receiving these messages is a beacon of light and hope for me in currently very challenging times. The words of wisdom speak right to my soul, guiding and encouraging me further on my path. I highly recommend Shadow & Light to everyone who seeks to develop and cultivate a relationship with the Inner Self." – Karin
2. Review some of the points in the next paragraph. Make sure that you deeply understand your rights and the various mental traps that may be plaguing you.
3. Set a goal for yourself each day to approach at least ONE troublesome situation differently. You could try asking a question first, briefly voicing your thoughts, or asking for something that you need politely.
4. Once you gain confidence and adapt to these small changes, try approaching 2, 3, 4, and 5 more situations differently each day. Don’t rush, and don’t force yourself.
5. Once you feel happy with your level of being quietly assertive, you can approach some conflicting situations. Start from square 1. You could practice passive resistance by, for instance, stating your right to be talked to civilly or you could simply walk away as a silent protest.
6. After you have made some small steps, you can then proceed to start questioning, protesting and negotiating.
Remember that it’s OK to be nervous or scared. But remember that with persistence, patience and courage your nerves will subside as quiet assertiveness becomes second nature to you.
Important things to know
“I’m stupid, unworthy … and I stink.”
Unfortunately, many introverts find it impossible to assert themselves because of the unrealistic beliefs they have about themselves and other people. As a shy introvert I struggled for a long time with low self esteem, feeling as though I was lesser and dumber than the people who spoke to me. Consequently, this meant that it was practically impossible for me to be quietly assertive, because of my mental barriers. But through time, experience and mindfulness, I learnt some important pointers:
Before trying quiet assertiveness, understand …
- No one can have power over you unless you LET them. YOU are in charge of your mind and your reactions when you become conscious of them. If you let someone intimidate you, THEY have the power over you, and YOU have given that power to them.
- Your opinion is just as valid as anyone else’s.
- Your mental and emotional well-being is just as important as anyone else’s.
- You aren’t a subordinate to anyone unless you LET yourself be. You are among equals.
- Lacking assertiveness is a result of having low self confidence and self esteem.
- Low self confidence and self esteem are accompanied by the mental traps of making assumptions, having negative beliefs, creating comparison, harmful expectations and unrealistic ideals. e.g. “I’m quiet, I have nothing to say, therefore I’m stupid”, “Everyone should always like me“.
- Challenging the mental traps that cause your low self esteem, increases your confidence to become quietly assertive.
***
Possibly, one of the most essential things to realize is that you are not powerless, or a lost cause. You have the power to choose how you act, and to choose what mental notions you adopt. You have the power to become quietly assertive – and no one can take that away from you.
Would you like to save this?
We'll email this article to you, so you can come back to it later!
Your information will never be shared.
Three paths to inner transformation – here’s how I can help you go deeper:
1. The Spiritual Wanderer Course: Are you feeling lost, adrift, and unsure of your life's purpose? Gain clarity, focus, and direction on your inner path by uncovering the five archetypes of awakening within you. Learn how to navigate the highs and lows of your inner journey and chart your unique path with 3+ hours of audio-visual content, workbooks, meditations, and a premium test.
2. Shadow & Light Membership: Do you crave consistent support on your spiritual quest? Receive weekly intuitive guidance and learn to embrace your whole self, including your shadow side. Cultivate deeper self-love with our affordable, personalized support.
3. Spiritual Awakening Bundle: Ready to embark on a profound soul-searching adventure? Dive into our collection of essential transformative resources! Explore five illuminating eBooks and seven in-depth journals, plus unlock two special bonuses to empower your spiritual growth.
I just discovered Lonerwolf, and I am a complete fan already! Your articles enlighten, inspire and give such light to subjects that I want to embrace in my life more. Thank you very much!
That’s a lovely comment, thank you Martha :)
Love this article! :) It was very helpful and empowering. The only thing is and question I have that I am still trying to figure out here is how to be assertive with people who ether gaslight or emotional or mentally abuse. How do you assert in that? I feel even more vulnerable if I make it too open and say things like “I noticed this happened between you and I and I felt this way. It felt like you were angry at what I said….Is that right”?
It’s tricky because I have people in my life who are emotionally and mentally toxic and they lie quite often or twist and distort what I say or events that happen.
It feels as though if I ask them, I am setting myself up for further problems because in a way I seeking their confirmation and validation which to me lies on shaky ground.
Any advice or help?
My problem is that I go into a kind of shock. When people are rude or mean something inside me just freezes. It feels like a slap in the face. So I don’t call them out. Most recently this awful man just did a deliberate slow yawn at me, batting his mought with his hand while I was speaking to him.. I just don’t know how to get over the rabbit in the headlights feeling. Other times I will completely blow, when I do my anger is fierce and sometimes inappropriate.
It sounds like you read this article and thought about it, but like your concern is that, when you are dealing with people who act mean or rude, you often freeze inside, like you are afraid. Also, it sounds like, at times, you blow up, plus it can be inappropriate. Finally, I get the impression that your reactions — either freezing or getting furious — both you. Is all of that correct?
It sounds like a very frustrating situation for you, and like you want to respond differently but don’t know how. And, I’m sorry you’re dealing with that.
So, a few questions:
1. When someone is rude or mean to you, what all do you feel? And, what thoughts go through your head?
2. How do you feel when a coworker or relative is mean or rude to you? What about a stranger?
3. What would you like to do about this?
4. What can you do about this, today?
Thank for this great article! My issue with being assertive is my tone. Anytime I try to communicate my feelings/opinions/needs to my boyfriend, I end up coming off as way too aggressive. I can’t seem to find a way to speak that is between angry/aggressive and meek/whiny. Do you have any advice for that?
Very useful article!!! I believe it will help me a great deal! Thank you Aletheia!
I’m glad to hear that Deb! I truly hope that it helps to make a difference. Best wishes. :)
Hi Aletheia,
Thanks for sharing! Will take home some good points :) All the best on your journey towards self-awareness.
I’m glad this article could share some useful pointers Hemani! Learning to become an assertive person is part of creating a balanced whole, and it’s something I still continue to work on myself.
All the best in your own journey, and thank you for your wishes for my own! :)
Quietly Passive-Aggressive-Assertive Horse Teeth
This is a great talk. Loved it.
As a boy, I was taught to be quiet, uninvolved, and unassertive. But I really wasn’t that way inside. I knew better. And I knew that would all have to change one way or another if I ever wanted to get where I wanted to go in life.
One of the first jobs I ever took after leaving home was on a race horse farm.
My parents had a hobby farm, and I knew how to take care of horses very well. My new job, finally far away from home, provided me with a rent-free apartment, country living and a little cash in exchange for my labor.
It would have been an OK little situation were it not for the fact that the owner of the place turned out to be a worse tyrant than both my parents put together.
No problem, I was used to it. But again, I knew my station in life would never change if I did not take the bull by the horns. But how was this to be done? How do people get this thing they call, “self-esteem”?
Personally, to start with, I resorted to this “passive-aggressive behavior”, which was a step up from the way I had behaved in the past; which means, basically, that I simply pretended not to care one way or the other how others treated me and did little or nothing about it.
Passive-aggressive was a welcome, refreshing start for me. I liked it. It gave me powers I did not realize I had. It helped me to grow and take me to the next steps.
Power is nothing more than the ability to make change. I realized I could change things, change my life, change my environment, change whatever I liked. I could even change the minds of those around me; I liked that idea better than anything else.
One of the horse farmer’s best horses, Victor, suddenly began to lose weight and mope around his paddock all the time. For a few days I observed him closely and it baffled me as to what in the world could be ailing the poor fellow. He had always been a happy, spirited sort, and we got along extraordinarily well. He had the best feed money could buy, he didn’t appear to have any illnesses… what could it be?
One morning, I went to Victor’s stall to feed him and noticed that he hadn’t even touched his feed from the night before. He’d always been a good eater. He was never fussy. I could give him cheap feed, expensive feed, whatever horse feed I had on hand. He’d eat just for the joy of eating. But on this day he was standing in his stall with his head lowered, and his ribs were starting to stick out a little too much for my liking.
I opened the door on his stall and approached him, taking his head into my hands, he pressed his face into my chest and gave me that old familiar, friendly nudge and snuggle and I started talking to him, “Let’s see here, old boy, what could be the matter? Why aren’t you eating? Sick of the feed? Want something new? What’s going on here? Cat got your tongue, or what?” At that, I found myself involuntarily sliding my fingers past Victor’s lips and into his mouth.
I coursed the tips of my fingers along all of his teeth from the front all the way to the back. Once my fingers reached the back of his mouth, I knew exactly what the problem was.
I could feel the overgrown teeth with hooks and sharp edges sticking outward and jabbing Victor in his gums. “Well, no wonder you don’t want to eat! I wouldn’t want to eat either with those things sticking me inside my mouth! Victor, old boy! You need a dentist! I’ll get one for you straightaway! You just sit tight and I’ll take care of it! We’ll have you feeling good again in no time at all!”
First, I went to the log book and recorded what I had found. Then I went to the farm owner and reported, telling him I would call the vet to come and take care of this problem immediately. “Whoa, wait there just a minute!” He said. “There isn’t anything wrong with that horse. He’s fit as a fiddle. He doesn’t need a vet. I’ve never even heard of such a thing as what you’re talking about. You don’t know what you’re talking about. Victor is just going through a phase and he’ll be fine in a matter of days. Don’t worry about it. Just go on about your business.”
“If you don’t trust my diagnosis, why don’t you go out to the paddock and put your fingers in his mouth and judge for yourself, you’re going to find that…”
“Don’t you listen? What did I just tell you? I told you to go on and mind your own business, didn’t I?”
“Victor is my business.”
“No, Victor is my business. Your business is doing what you’re told. Now, get to it!” He walked off.
I walked off, too. Quietly, calmly, with these words in my mind, “You’re wrong. I’ll just go ahead and take care of this one myself.”
Being wrong is one thing. I’m wrong 98.9% of the time. We all are. But making someone else suffer for your pig-headedness and your overbloated ego is quite another thing altogether. I won’t tolerate that.
The vet came out to the farm next day. He had some vaccinations and a few other minor details to tend to. He usually worked with the farm owner, but he had business in town that morning. I assured him that we could handle things just fine without him.
After the vet completed his scheduled work, I asked him to take a quick look at Victor and give his diagnosis on the matter.
The vet was surprised at how overgrown and hooked Victor’s teeth had become and agreed with me that was the reason he was not eating. He said the teeth had to be cut as soon as possible or Victor’s condition would only rapidly worsen.
I asked the vet how soon he could do the job. He said he only needed to get back to the clinic and get the tools he needed to cut the teeth. He could do the job right now, if I wanted.
I wanted. “Do it.” Said I.
Victor’s teeth were cut that afternoon with the aid of the vet, myself, and some horse tranquilizer. At the end of all the cutting, I had a handful of busted-up old horse teeth I had dropped into my pants pocket.
Two days later, Victor’s appetite returned, he was eating normally and happily again, per usual. It would be a while before he was up to a healthy weight again, but his health problems were solved.
The farm owner noticed Victor thriving again and decided to take a moment to invite me into his office for a cup of coffee, to gloat about it and rub it in my face. I knew this was coming. “There, you see? I told you what it’s all about, didn’t I? Just a phase the Victor was going through. And, just like I said, he’s over it and back to his normal self. It’s amazing what you can learn when you listen to me instead of talking back for a change, isn’t it?”
“Sometimes it is. And sometimes it’s amazing what I can learn when I let what you say go in one ear and out the other and take my own advice and go my own way.”
“Come again?”
I reached into my pocket and removed the broken horse teeth and set them down in front of him where he sat at his desk. He looked at the broken teeth, then back up at me with a blank stare. “Well, I told you the horse’s teeth were bad and needed fixing, which they most certainly were. That was officially confirmed the other day when the vet was here. I had him inspect Victor’s teeth and give me his thoughts on the matter. The diagnosis was that the teeth needed fixing immediately or Victor was going to be in a lot more trouble than he was already. I took his advice wholeheartedly, then we proceeded to fix the teeth.”
“Well, what the… why didn’t you tell me?!” He shouted.
“I am telling you. And I did tell you. You wouldn’t listen. You wouldn’t even take a moment to look into the matter. What was I supposed to do, stand there and watch him suffer? What choice did I have?”
You could have heard a pin drop in that office for a long time. The old man couldn’t decide whether to hug me or grab a shotgun and run me off the property. I just stood there and looked at him. Finally, the stunned, pig-headed old horse farmer asked me, “Would you like another cup of coffee?”
The matter was forgotten. The old man never spoke about it again. Neither did I.
I learned to be assertive by doing it. I think it’s the only way. In the beginning, obviously, my methods were a tad, ‘sneaky’, shall I say? But it was better than doing nothing. It saved my old buddy, Victor a great deal of pain and suffering. So, it was worth it. I gave myself the encouragement to take the next step, and the next.
Blackfish, this is a wonderful personal anecdote, thank you for sharing. As you’ve learnt, being quietly assertive not only benefits us, but other living beings as well! It is much more fulfilling than simply sitting fearfully on the sidelines. Thank you for this inspiring story!
Great advice, but each item on the list of what passive resistance excludes starts with ‘not’. Isn’t that a double negative? If passive resistance excludes not making assumptions, it includes making assumptions, and I’m sure that’s not what you meant.
Hear hear! Thanks for these tips and reminders. They’re dong a world of good.