There is a light side to the lone wolf – the spiritual wanderer, outsider, and fringe dweller in society – but there’s also a dark side.
Today, I’m going to speak about both.
As someone whose many years of work have centered around reclaiming the value and importance of the lone wolf, especially in a spiritual context, I’d be remiss to ignore the elephant in the room:
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Toxic individualism.
And yes, immature and uninitiated lone wolfery can lead to toxic individualism – one of the many plagues that ravages this planet as we speak. I’ll explore why soon.
But, on the flip side, when someone with a lone wolf personality becomes matured through the process of spiritual awakening and initiated into the deeper nature of the self, this leads to true individuality – an antithesis and perhaps antidote to toxic individualism.
If you identify as a lone wolf, social outsider, spiritual wanderer, fringe dweller, or someone who struggles to fit into society, stay with me until the end and let me know your own perspective.
Table of contents
The Lone Wolf and Toxic Individualism
Other than the fact that the label “lone wolf” has often been applied in a sensationalist shock-and-horror way to mass shooters and other blood-thirsty psychos in the news, it has increasingly received other types of criticism.
As we collectively become more aware of issues like late-stage capitalism, the loneliness epidemic, environmental destruction, overuse of social media leading to narcissistic self-preoccupation, and more, the topic of toxic individualism is on the rise.
Recently, my ears have pricked up more and more at the use of the term “lone wolf” in a negative way in various podcasts, conversations, videos, and other information arenas.
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“Lone wolf BS” came up most recently in a video where a guy (rightfully) pointed out that we can’t do or achieve everything by ourselves.
Others make an argument that “self-isolation and being a lone wolf are unhealthy” as well as “separation is an illusion, and so is being a lone wolf.”
And these are all valid points.
Yes, it’s true that being a lone wolf can lead to AND be a product of toxic individualism. We can’t always do everything by ourselves. Going off on our own can lead to difficulty, pain, and illusion.
But so can being part of a group.
So can getting lost in groupthink or the soul-numbing ‘matrix’ that is destroying society.
There is strength in numbers. But there’s also a different kind of strength in walking alone.
The Paradox of the ‘Lone Wolf’
The paradox of the phrase ‘lone wolf’ is that the wolf is inherently a pack creature, just as we humans are.
And yet, the lone wolf breaks the mold and goes their own way – again, just as we humans are inevitably called to do at least once in life.
Here is the paradox of the lone wolf put in a simple way:
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Alone = All-one.
The mature lone wolf recognizes that they are both alone but also all-one in their essence.
In the words of poet and philosopher Ralph Waldo Emerson,
The great man is he who in the midst of the crowd keeps with perfect sweetness the independence of solitude.
Put differently, the mature lone wolf, the one who can be a blessing to society, who can play a healing role, is the one who can be both in the crowd but also centered in themselves.
They are both in the world, but not of the world.
The Immature & Mature Lone Wolf
I now want to define more clearly the difference between the immature and mature lone wolf.
The immature lone wolf breaks away from society by self-isolating and living under the illusion that they are separate. In extreme cases, they may become deranged and violent.
The mature lone wolf, however, may break away from society and be alone, but they also realize that they cannot ultimately exist as purely cut-off units. They recognize that they are interconnected and interdependent beings, and yet they are also simultaneously a singular and unique part of the whole.
Put differently:
The immature lone wolf lives reactively and defensively from a place of pain caused by a feeling of being separate, and they often feel powerless.
But the mature lone wolf transforms that pain into a source of power by recognizing that they have a unique path to walk, one led by their Soul and not the dictates of the society, family, or groups they find themselves in.
Individuality vs. Individualism
This leads me to differentiate between individuality and individualism, and how they relate to the lone wolf.
Essentially, individuality and individualism aren’t the same beasts.
While individualism is a mindset that tries to cling to a false separate self which doesn’t recognize that it’s part of a larger whole, individuality is about seeing yourself as part of the larger whole but also respecting your uniqueness at the same time.
Individualism is isolating, illusory, and ego-centric.
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True individuality is integrative, introspective, and soul-centric.
The Lone Wolf and True Individuality
You and I, as children, were given a drug: it was called approval, it was called appreciation, it was called praise, success, acceptance, popularity … Awake people break out of this drug.
– Anthony de Mello
Let me go a little deeper into the notion of “true” individuality.
Toxic individualism isn’t just about self-isolation and living under the illusion of separation– it’s also what happens in our culture where being an individual is both encouraged and punished.
If you’re too different, too weird, too maladjusted to societal structures, you’re often pathologized by medical institutions, gaslighted into thinking that you’re the broken one, or dismissed and silenced because you don’t fit into the “acceptably individualistic” mold.
The message is basically this: “Sure, be different, entertain us, and stand out – but don’t be too different, too subversive, or unique because that threatens us and the way things are. And if you’re a threat, you will be crushed and eliminated.”
On the flip side – true individuality takes a 180-degree turn and focuses the spotlight internally.
It’s similar to psychiatrist Carl Jung’s notion of individuation, which I describe in the following way in my article on the topic:
[Individuation is] the process of becoming differentiated and unique, but also a process of becoming whole and united with others. Only once you get to know the exact shape of your piece of the cosmic puzzle, will you be able to find your place within the puzzle as a whole.
True individuality is about finding your unique essence and calling – it’s about breaking away from the pack and herd to listen to your soul’s voice and walk your true path.
And this requires us to embrace solitude – internally, externally, or both.
We need to be lone wolves to do this.
In the words of spiritual author and teacher Stephen Batchelor,
By withdrawing from the world into solitude, you separate yourself from others. By isolating yourself, you can see more clearly what distinguishes you from other people. Standing out in this way serves to affirm your existence … Liberated from social pressures and constraints, solitude can help you understand better what kind of person you are and what your life is for. In this way you become independent of others. You find your own path, your own voice.
Solitude is essential.
And so are lone wolves.
We Need to Honor the Role of the Lone Wolf in Society
The poet, the artist, the sleuth—whoever sharpens our perception tends to be antisocial; rarely ‘well-adjusted,’ he cannot go along with currents and trends. A strange bond often exists among antisocial types in their power to see environments as they really are.
– Marshall McLuhan
I get why the lone wolf identity/role has been rejected, feared, and maligned among so many.
But there’s also tremendous power and potential in this inner calling.
As more and more people begin waking up, undergoing spiritual shifts, and feeling isolated within the toxic structures of society, we need fringe dwellers who can provide fresh, revitalizing, and paradigm-shifting vantage points and perspectives.
We need mature and initiated lone wolves who have been through the inner archetypal journey of spiritual death and rebirth – those who can be the wisdomkeepers, healers, and visionaries that are in this world but not quite of this world – the mystics, sages, and spiritual wanderers that we need to reclaim a space for in this society.
I’ll be exploring this topic more in the future. There’s simply too much for me to cover here in completion.
For now, what are your thoughts? Is there anything you’d like to add to this discussion of toxic individualism, true individuality, and being a lone wolf? I’d love to hear from you in the comments – I try to read every comment and respond to as many as I can.
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Inspired by a mystical encounter with the divine I stumbled down a path where everything finally made sense. Literature and art came to life and became infused with a deeper meaning and understanding for me. I remembered my relationship with Jesus as a child. For a minute I felt more hopeful than I had in years.
Once I learned the truth that I am living a chosen set of spiritual lessons designed by me for my own evolution, I plunged into the Dark Night that I have remained in since. Unfortunately, my self hatred is always where I stop cold in my tracks because I know I will not outrun it. Similar to when I think about marketing myself to run my own therapy practice. I realize this is not something I am capable of and what has always been a hard limit for me. My self hatred has become refined over decades to become the stopping point for my self growth regardless of the angle I attempt to come from. I neither forgive myself or love myself at all. I have tried using reason, maturity, therapy, logic, self love tools, programs (which I often teach), meditation, affirmations…etc.I can say objectively that I am not an evil or bad person. I can see my very young inner child and feel pity for her even a small sense of kinship. Somehow that just disappears between age 5-50 and I feel nothing but disgust, derision, and self hatred. I really have tried… that’s what scares me. We are all one quite literally on a molecular level and yet I cannot find any self-like let alone self-love. I am beyond bored of myself and my pathetic self pity. I know wallowing in C-PTSD induced self pity is not cool or cute it’s pathetic. I have the tools and it is no one else’s fault that I don’t believe I am worth it. I thought a man’s love could fill me. It did not. I thought that knowing God loves and forgives me would be enough. Not for my inflated ego apparently. No matter what therapy, program, psychic…etc. I seem to find a way to maintain how much I hate myself. I feel like I am trapped below the surface of the water fighting against my own hand that is holding me under. Everytime I try to break this cycle or pattern it is re-triggered and I am forced to accept that I chose this, and I have to accept that I am lost.
Thanks 🙂
For some years I have increased my intention and attention to my spiritual journey and love solitude, very much need and crave solitude more and more. Currently I have the luxury of spending three months in a desert caravan park hundreds of kilometres away from my regular life. It is an oasis where I can pray, meditate, read, journal and think. I realise now this particular experience is an initiation into my elder years and I am excited within it. I know I will return to family, friends and community with new life and clarified calling. I think such intentional periods of aloneness could be described as a ‘fast’. It starts. It finishes. But in between there is great change.
I love this, Ulrike, it’s very inspiring. What a privilege to be able to do that 💜 Wishing you the best with your ‘fast’ :)
If you’re too different, too weird, too maladjusted to societal structures, you’re often pathologized by medical institutions, gaslighted into thinking that you’re the broken one, or dismissed and silenced because you don’t fit into the “acceptably individualistic” mold.
So many times I’ve gotten these messages. Finally I decided that the best answer was, “So what? What is your point?”
Thanks for your work.
Happy to hear this Lupa!
Hi again, it has been quite a while since I last reacted to your articles. The topic you have discussed is a very relevant one to current day society, and it is something I really relate to. I hope you will read this.
Individualism, that thought system that may look good like a fast food, but is actually unhealthy-if not to say- toxic.
In my personal life, I struggle concretely between whether I should blend in or look authentic. Sometimes I feel like I want to look special, by doing special things, talking in speical ways, doing special haircuts, eventhough I know that such actions are probably inaccepted by society. There is that great fear of being mocked at, judged and despised. However, this attitude is counteracted by another thought system, individualism, which in my experience says: Don’t care about whether others accept you, they aren’t worthy of attention, they are just stupid crowds, do what you like and enjoy making them feel threatened by your authenticity, because they feel threatened.
I notice that such individuality is actually dependent on people’s opinions, because it feels threatened when others don’t find its “authentic surface” very special, when they ignore it or accept it. The motor thought behind such futile struggle is: Look special to feel great, even looking like that is despisable.
I can clearly see, thanks to Allah (“The God” in Arabic), that there is a demonic influence in such attitude. As a Muslim, I have to remind myself and others of the necessity and great value of being a part of the whole, and of the sin of wanting to look special for the sake of looking special. Wanting to stand out, in the service of the ego, is what individualism is about, but my religion teaches us, we humans, that humility is a very great way to approach Allah, and part of humility is to avoid anything that serves the ego, such as “wanting” to be different. It may seem harsh for many people who “want” to feel different and special, and I am actually one of them, I know how it feels like to crave attention; I understand that desire, but it is simply not right in so many aspects.
I realized that surrendering to the fact of being a part of the whole is liberating. This surrender includes recognizing that we are a part of society, that we are responsible for their wellbeing and they are responsible for ours. To wish for them the best, just like how we wish it for ourselves. To be in service of our society is to accept their culture, the way they wear clothes, the way they speak, their values, etc… In Islam, such blending is encouraged since it takes the individual away from the “being special” arrogance. However, in the same religion, such blending-in must never come with the consequence of giving up obeying Allah. There are certainly times when going against the current of society, isolating the self, doing things in your own way are the right things to do. Such times are not necessarily the exeption, it depends on how mature society is, for the essence is that the soul should always align itself with the right way of living, whether such way is embraced by society or not.
The best example of such Islamic attitude towards individuality and blending with the whole is demonstrated in the life of the Prophet Muhammed. He was a man who aligned himself with the right thing, by the Help of Allah. He isolated himself, in a cave, from his tribe because they were doing wrong things, worshipping idols and practicing cruel traditions such as burrying many newborn girls alive. When he received his divine message and had to present it, he was severly considered by his tribe, he and his followers, as outcasts. Eventhough such attitude pained him, he sticked to the truth of his message despite it being too odd for the pagans who took refuge in physical violence to stop the Islamic message from enlightening people. Muhammed, the Messanger of God, knew of the importance of isolation and of migrating from old and oppressive thought systems, to new and holier ways of life, it’s called the “Hijra” (which means “migration” in Arabic). Furthermore, He has been known to adopt his surroundings’ clothing styles and other elements of his society’s culture that doesn’t conflict with the religiously/ethically/spiritually right way.
The Prophet Muhammed (Peace be upon him), once stated in the “Sahih Hadiths”:
“The example of the believers in their mutual love, sympathy, and compassion is like the example of a single body. If one limb complains, the rest of the body responds with sleeplessness and fever.”
This illustrates the great importance of being actively a part of the whole, and so this suggests the need to not consider one’s self special, but to fit in with the group in humility, as much as the fitting does not involve accepting unethical/unhealthy/unreligious things.
I have discovered that walking our own path is not something we should seek for in itself, but which comes naturally when we try to be as rightful and just as we can. It comes when when we embrace the truth of what we really are. We become both harmonious and authentic.
May the Creator guides us to the right path.
Thanks for your perspective Haytam. We all approach life from different lenses of perception and cultural conditioning, values, and religious ideas. So while you may approach the message in this article from an Islamic perspective, I approach it with more of a Daoist perspective, where both individuality and togetherness are needed equally (the yin and yang). Too much absorption in a group, including a religious group, can create dangerous groupthink and cult-like behavior. Too much self-absorption in solitude can create dangerous warped perceptions and behaviors that may eventually harm others. We need both in my perspective. :)
I can see some of the deeper teachings of this religious path you’re on thanks to your message, so thank you for sharing them Haytam.
I appreciate your feedback on my comment, Aletheia. I just want to restate its main idea, in case I failed to bring a clear conception of my religious perspective on the article’s topic, and I wish you would read this one: Islam, as I live it and know it, does not favor integrating in society over independence and authenticity, neither does it favor the latter over the former. Just like the concept of yin and yang, Islam encourages embracing both qualities in one’s life.
The image that comes to my mind when I picture this is of a sage who lives in solitude, a hermit, praying, training and contemplatingi, in the mountain nearby town, away enough to not be dragged down into sin by any strong astray current of society, but nearby enough to have a close look on his hometown, to which he belongs and has a duty towards. He/She may look detached and unwilling to connect, but the sage never looks down on his society, but a wise and a grave human whe wants to save himself from falling into unconscious and astray group thinking, and who focuses on self-development and wisdom gathering, for, when need arises, he would get down back to his town and share dutifully and compassionately the fruits of hermitage.
That’s the embodiment of Islamic qualities.
My special focus on the importance of Islamic perspective in belonging to a society was simply because I have personally went through negative relationships with desiring authenticity. I should have known that authenticity comes naturally when one strives towards Truth. Thankfully, I know that now.
Aletheia, this came right on time 😊 Your words spoke to me deeply and the juxtaposition this brings up btw individuality vs. groups esp with lone wolves. I have been pondering connection, community, and being a part of something the past year or so, especially since connection is a top value of mine. Yet, finding community or spaces to share myself with others was not happening in the way I envisioned. I was encountering people that did not seem ready, able, or perhaps mature enough to reciprocate, grow, and meet in the same way. As a result, I walked away. This got me reflecting a lot about being a lone wolf, and what/how community looks like for us.
I am finding that being a mature lone wolf is about tapping into your intuitive powers, instincts, your truth, and what feels right for you. It’s about maintaining your own inner authority, sovereignty, and integrity. Abiding by all of this is something many folks are not ready to do, because it would mean differentiating yourself in some way from others by standing alone, going against something you once thought was true, or losing people you care about. Most lone wolves I’ve met do not intentionally set out to chip off from the rest of the iceberg and float away. They (finally) put themselves first.
Many times we also connect with other lone wolves that travel in transnational packs of sorts 😆 We aren’t together in our immediate environments, but around the world. Like lighthouses. This has also helped me reimagine what community means and looks like going forward. I am finding my “community” involves different 1:1 relationships I am fomenting, all of which form something larger but may not necessarily be part of the same container. So mini pair communities 🐺🐺.
I also think what many folks miss and what gives the lone wolf a misnomer is that they misplace maintaining their truth as something conflictual, rebellious, and threatening to the group identity (which may provoke this but that’s another conversation!). When you know who you are, you have no problem exiting situations or groups that do not support you. This is something I’ve noticed with people who maintain a toxic facade in groups (or even solo); they don’t embrace genuine or meaningful time to explore with themselves by themselves. Mature lone wolves know they can be connected to something bigger but that doesn’t always mean looking like the groups/communities we often think of today. People don’t always see this so they are quick to make assumptions.
So much is evolving and I am grateful for your posts, which always get me thinking deeper. Plus, they arrive exactly as I am pondering these things! I feel like there will be more and more people embracing their healthy lone wolfness in the coming years and decades as institutions, systems, communities, and groups we once identified with continue to crumble and reformulate with stronger and more authentic foundations. Thank you again ❤
Beautiful, I love this definition you’ve offered Christine! What you say about re-imagining community is also quite thought-provoking. We typically see community as being composed of, say, 10 or more people. But community can be something fluid, and its definition can expand, even to spaces like the online world and, I’m sure quite soon, to virtual reality. Community can consist of those of the same species as well as interspecies connections. St Francis of Assisi comes to mind when he refers to “bother sun” “sister moon” “sister earth our mother” – this begins to get quite mystical. :) Thank you for being here, Christine 💜 🐺
Thank you for this, it gave me peace. I am definitely a lone wolf, although not a mature one yet. I would like to know from which book is the Anthony de Mello quote. Having grown up without approval, appreciation and praise from my parents, I became full of self-doubt, not really knowing who I was, what were my strengths and weaknesses. I know, intellectually, that I have multiple talents, but deep down, I have always felt a huge lack of self-worth. This made my life very difficult so far, and led me to withdraw from the world. But on the other hand, because of this lack of external guidance, I searched for answers elsewhere and read many books about different subjects (psychology, philosophy, spirituality, etc.), which led me to understand that reality is not what it appears to be. This is what led me to where I am now, in a quest to find who I really am, independently of any external circumstance.
Thanks for your openness to share and be vulnerable, Marielle. I think we all have immature aspects within ourselves, which is normal, and we all start somewhere. What you describe about yourself is very much the essence of the lone wolf and spiritual wanderer 💜 I believe the quote comes from de Mello’s talk here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9wfTqxR2l2E
And i also believe that we can make it on our own. Especially females. They used to be so oppressed by sh*tty males. And infiltrating their minds with filthy propaganda “you need a man” ” you need sex” etc in media. Lots of studies that show how women are more happier alone while males are unhappy in old age if they are alone. Daily reminder that we all come to this world alone and this is how we will leave it. Friendships are important but you can live without them. There are lots of spiritual quotes like “only the moment you reject all help are you free”. Individualism comes first. People need to learn about themselves. What they like and dislike. Their traumas and what their needs are. It’s a complex topic
Getting strong Ayn Rand-esque vibes from you Lily :P
Females can absolutely make it on their own, and they’re still being oppressed in many countries (hence why movements like 4B are rising).
I’m not interested in entering the gender wars of females vs males and so on, as I believe it misguided and myopic – but solitude definitely helps us to learn about ourselves as you say.
Hmmm i have never heard of the term toxic lone wolf before. Sorry but sounds like bs to me. Lone wolf is just someone who marches to the beat of their own drums. Which is more thank ok. Especially in this sick society. Solitude has nothing to do with isolation. These are two different things.
Perhaps you don’t listen to the news very much Lily, but it’s a term that most certainly has been used in a negative ‘toxic’ way (just search for the term ‘lone wolf’ on your search engine, and you’ll see what I mean).
Also, solitude and isolation are two sides of the same coin in the sense that they require physical/emotional/mental aloneness. However, solitude is positive and empowering and refreshes the soul. Isolation is disempowering and draining, causing a feeling of emptiness and loneliness.
Interesting article, as ever. Part of it chimes with the wisdom of Alan Watts who said that solitude is necessary for finding out who you really are because in company you’re always being told that.
I wonder though, how much you’re taking into account neurodivergence and HSPs, who may isolate not because they’re immature but to have a coping mechanism because of the noise, chaos, and busyness of the world?
Thanks for your refreshing perspective, Grimalkin. :)
I have a question, though. Why can’t neurodivergent/HSP folks who self-isolate be mature individuals? There’s an assumption here that they’re immature. Sure, some of them might be. But, in my experience, highly sensitive folks tend to be pretty spiritually attuned people. This is definitely something I’d like to write about more in the near future.
One needs to see through their own eyes to see clearly, rather than through the eyes of many that don’t see anything other than what they were told to see. Approval of oneself must come from within to hold truth. We are not cows to be in herds; led blindly. We are humans meant to be part of a community that works together with our own unique way of contributing.