Honestly, radical acceptance is a topic that both resonates with and repels me.
The warm and loving side of me whispers in a honeyed voice, yes, I need this kind of self-love. But the critical and skeptical side gives it an eye roll and wants to exit the room immediately.
To be frank, through life I’ve developed an allergy to anything with the slightest whiff of toxic positivity or spiritual bypassy vibes. Radical acceptance, on first glance, seems to fit the bill.
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Below, I’m going to explore the light and dark side of radical acceptance. Buckle up!
Table of contents
The Dark Side of Radical Acceptance
When I think of radical acceptance:
I picture ultra-hip yogis sitting in mindfulness circles drinking herbal tea, talking about radically accepting their feelings, flaws, and the shitty people in their lives.
Um … no thanks.
Sometimes rotten people are just that, rotten. They don’t need to have radical acceptance celestially shone on them because to do that would mean to betray yourself, your boundaries, and your sanity.
Also, sometimes the notion of radical acceptance – something rising in popularity in the spiritual and self-help field – is just a form of lacking self-accountability.
It can be a form of passivity and resignation, a form of inner collapse masquerading as being an “evolved” person. It’s a way of saying, oh well, I guess I just need to accept this horrible situation and the ongoing suffering I’m experiencing.
It perpetuates negative patterns of self-sacrifice and self-abandonment.
Clearly, this is a tool that’s not meant to be applied to every situation in life, because sometimes you do need to fight. Sometimes you need to say “no.” Sometimes rejecting an experience is healthier than accepting it.
The Light Side of Radical Acceptance
Increased self-compassion, relaxation, and inner peace are the results of radical acceptance, done well, minus the spiritual bypassing.
Radical acceptance has been popularized by two fields: DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy) and Tara Brach’s work which bridges Western psychology with Buddhist spirituality.
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When we look at these two approaches more closely, we get the real juice (rather than get caught up in the self-help-lite social media version).
The Psychospiritual View
In her book Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life With the Heart of a Buddha, Tara Brach writes,
“Clearly recognizing what is happening inside us, and regarding what we see with an open, kind and loving heart, is what I call Radical Acceptance. If we are holding back from any part of our experience, if our heart shuts out any part of who we are and what we feel, we are fueling the fears and feelings of separation that sustain the trance of unworthiness. Radical Acceptance directly dismantles the very foundations of this trance.”
As you can see, radical acceptance in this view is about self-directed compassion. It’s about seeing all parts of ourselves as worthy, even the hairy and shadowy parts. It’s a beautiful form of Soul Recovery.
This approach closely mirrors the one we take in our Self-Love Journal.
The DBT View
In dialectical behavioral therapy, radical acceptance is a powerful way of alleviating our suffering. Marsha Linehan, the founder of this school of therapy, defines this DBT coping skill this way,
“Radical acceptance rests on letting go of the illusion of control and a willingness to notice and accept things as they are right now, without judging.”
In the DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Linehan goes on to explain:
What is Radical Acceptance?
1. Radical means all the way, complete and total.
2. It is accepting in your mind, your heart, and your body.
3. It’s when you stop fighting reality, stop throwing tantrums because reality is not the way you want it, and let go of bitterness.
Why Accept Reality?
1. Rejecting reality does not change reality.
2. Changing reality requires first accepting reality.
3. Pain can’t be avoided; it is nature’s way of signaling that something is wrong.
4. Rejecting reality turns pain into suffering.
5. Refusing to accept reality can keep you stuck in unhappiness, bitterness, anger, sadness, shame, or other painful emotions.
6. Acceptance may lead to sadness, but deep calmness usually follows.
7. The path out of hell is through misery. By refusing to accept the misery that is part of climbing out of hell, you fall back into hell.
Radical Acceptance is NOT:
Approval, compassion, love, passivity, or against change.
(Note that this last part deviates from Tara Brach’s understanding. However, here in DBT, radical acceptance seems to be applied to negative experiences in life as a whole.)
How to Practice Radical Acceptance (Without Betraying Yourself)
Becoming a parent in recent years has taught me so much about the need to practice acceptance. But being too flexible just leads to chaos. Embracing too much leads to burnout.
So how do you practice this healing path without betraying yourself? Here’s what I’ve learned so far through painful trial and error:
- You can both embrace your flaws, while also not being self-indulgent
Too much blind acceptance of all aspects of you makes you a narcissistic jerk. Sorry, but it’s true. Too little makes you collapse into self-loathing. The sweet spot is a balance of conscious self-acceptance, tempered with the knowledge that we’re always a work in progress.
- You can accept reality as it is, while also changing what’s within your power
There’s a saying I hear used a lot in Australia: “It is what it is.” I once thought this statement was kind of dumb – honestly the height of inanity. But then I realized there is a simplicity and wisdom in those words. What has happened, has happened. That is the acceptance part. But you can change things if you desire them to be different. That’s the empowerment part.
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- You can accept people as they are, but also not want to be around them
If I was in an abusive work relationship, for example, I could accept that my coworker tends to get angry easily and take it out on others. But that doesn’t mean I want to be around them, or have to stay in that situation. Radical acceptance doesn’t mean betraying your needs for safety and condoning another’s behavior through silence or inaction. Instead, it means accepting that “Yep, this is the truth of what’s happening,” then doing something about it.
- You can embrace your difficult emotions without wallowing in them
Grief, rage, jealousy, insecurity … these are feelings we often try to avoid. But walking the path of inner work means that we start to meet, metabolize, and transform these feelings. Radical acceptance in this circumstance doesn’t mean totally sinking into these tricky emotions. It’s not about wallowing, moping, or acting them out. Instead, it’s about noticing they’re there, feeling them, but not identifying with them. Doing so allows them to pass in and out more easily.
***
Radical acceptance is a powerful path of inner healing and liberation. But it doesn’t have to be an extremist philosophy that we apply to everything. It doesn’t have to be a form of toxic positivity or spiritual bypassing.
I hope you’ve enjoyed this more “balanced” (I like to think, sane) look at this topic.
$3Tell me, do you have any examples of radical acceptance that don’t lead to delusional, toxic, or destructive behaviors? Leave them below in the comments. I’d love to hear!
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First of all, thank you for pointing out how the concept of acceptance, when applied in an extreme way, leads to the traps of toxic positivity and passivity. We do not need to say everything is ok when common sense is clearly indicating otherwise. Denial may help someone in the short term, but we have all seen the consequences when denial becomes a permanent coping strategy.
The one thing I wanted to share is that although your point in this article was not necessarily to discuss techniques or tools for practicing acceptance, I have found myself reaching a deeper level of self-awareness, acceptance, and self-compassion through the use of EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques) or “tapping.” The popular statement used in EFT is “Even though I (insert a painful feeling, memory, or challenging situation), I deeply and completely love and accept myself.” While tapping physical points on the body, you are meant to focus all your attention on the emotion, memory, or situation that is bothering you and allow yourself to feel all the sensations that are arising. Gradually as you keep tapping, your mind and body will usually relax, and in that more peaceful state you can start accessing solutions or naturally see a more helpful perspective.
Although some people might be attempting to “fix” themselves through a tool like EFT, I have found through daily use of EFT that my desire has shifted towards being really honest with myself about all the wounds and beliefs that I have carried for so long without adding an extra layer of shame on top of it. It’s like “Here’s all my messiness, things I’ve pushed away, things I still don’t know how to release or resolve, but right now I choose to acknowledge what all I’m carrying inside. Whether or not I understand the roots for some of this pain, whether or not someone else understands why I carry this pain, it is ok for me to keep getting more in touch with all of it. Whatever I can’t fully release, maybe I will come to accept.”
While growth and self-improvement are great ideals to strive towards, I think what we ultimately deserve to feel is an inner peace that comes when we stop waging a constant inner war against feeling a particular way.
My oversimplified definition of radical acceptance is “accepting the unacceptable“ when the only alternative is suffering. An unwanted divorce. Aging. Traffic. An untreatable illness. The “radical” distinguishes this from normal, healthy acceptance. Some things are simply unacceptable and at the same time, completely unchangeable. Being mad at reality is a recipe for suffering, rumination and decreased quality of life.
Well said! Thank you! Love these types of articles.
Well, to me, radical acceptance is more about recognizing the impossibility of changing certain aspects of our lives that are simply beyond our reach. Although I appreciate many teachings from Eastern spiritual traditions, especially Zen Buddhism, some things are, let’s say, out of reach for ordinary people — and I myself have not yet attained enlightenment, unfortunately.
That said, I believe that as human beings, with both vulnerabilities and virtues, and given our physical and biological makeup, it’s obvious we have limitations regarding what we can and cannot endure. I like the idea of integration — mind, body, and spirit. I see the spirit as my deepest essence, something that has been with me for as long as I can remember. The mind, on the other hand, is where my emotions and rational thoughts reside — what I desire, feel, and reflect upon. The body is the tool I use to turn projects, ideas, and actions into reality.
Through this process, I’ve noticed significant improvements once I stopped trying to be a point of transformation in the world or in other people’s lives. Nowadays, I focus on myself. Yes, it may sound selfish, but there are things we simply cannot control — and honestly, I don’t even know if they align with the will of others anyway. So, everything that is within my reach and possibilities, I dedicate my focus and energy to achieving.
I also see that many people are spending excessive amounts of spiritual, physical, and mental energy, which leaves them feeling paralyzed in the face of life. This, I believe, is one of the reasons we are living through a time of deep discord and conflict among individuals and nations. Since the dawn of humanity, diverse religious, philosophical, and spiritual traditions have sought something beyond the merely human as a way to ease suffering.
We must understand that life is not perfect in itself. In fact, I see this as a major flaw in the discourse of many coaches who promote the idea of an unshakable human being capable of achieving anything they want. Let’s be honest: that’s practically impossible. For me, radical acceptance is, above all, the awareness that life is full of challenges, setbacks, victories, joys, and sorrows — and it is precisely this mix that enriches our experience and allows us to grow in maturity when facing life’s ups and downs.
First comment here, thank you for all your great work!
For a long time I struggled with the contradiction of finding it true what “Dr. House” is saying “people don’t change” and the fact that people do change. Or so it seems?
My very personal conclusion:
people do not change, but you can change your behavior. For me it was the acceptance that I’m a womanizing jerk and that in my inner core hasn’t changed. What I can do is to change how I behave. Even though I still have those deep ingrained impulses, I don’t have to act on them. A constant struggle, but worth it.
In contrast to the toxic version of radical acceptance which would just be accepting I’m a jerk and so it is ok to act it out.