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Honestly, radical acceptance is a topic that both resonates with and repels me.
The warm and loving side of me whispers in a honeyed voice, yes, I need this kind of self-love. But the critical and skeptical side gives it an eye roll and wants to exit the room immediately.
To be frank, through life I’ve developed an allergy to anything with the slightest whiff of toxic positivity or spiritual bypassy vibes. Radical acceptance, on first glance, seems to fit the bill.
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Below, I’m going to explore the light and dark sides of radical acceptance as part of your inner work. Buckle up!
Table of contents
The Dark Side of Radical Acceptance
When I think of radical acceptance:
I picture ultra-hip yogis sitting in mindfulness circles drinking herbal tea, talking about radically accepting their feelings, flaws, and the shitty people in their lives.
Um … no thanks.
Sometimes rotten people are just that, rotten. They don’t need to have radical acceptance celestially shone on them because to do that would mean to betray yourself, your boundaries, and your sanity.
Also, sometimes the notion of radical acceptance – something rising in popularity in the spiritual and self-help field – is just a form of lacking self-accountability.
It can be a form of passivity and resignation, a form of inner collapse masquerading as being an “evolved” person. It’s a way of saying, oh well, I guess I just need to accept this horrible situation and the ongoing suffering I’m experiencing.
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It perpetuates negative patterns of self-sacrifice and self-abandonment.
Clearly, this is a tool that’s not meant to be applied to every situation in life, because sometimes you do need to fight. Sometimes you need to say “no.” Sometimes rejecting an experience is healthier than accepting it.
The Light Side of Radical Acceptance
Increased self-compassion, relaxation, and inner peace are the results of radical acceptance, done well, minus the spiritual bypassing.
Radical acceptance has been popularized by two fields: DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy) and Tara Brach’s work which bridges Western psychology with Buddhist spirituality.
When we look at these two approaches more closely, we get the real juice (rather than get caught up in the self-help-lite social media version).
The Psychospiritual View
In her book Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life With the Heart of a Buddha, Tara Brach writes,
“Clearly recognizing what is happening inside us, and regarding what we see with an open, kind and loving heart, is what I call Radical Acceptance. If we are holding back from any part of our experience, if our heart shuts out any part of who we are and what we feel, we are fueling the fears and feelings of separation that sustain the trance of unworthiness. Radical Acceptance directly dismantles the very foundations of this trance.”
As you can see, radical acceptance in this view is about self-directed compassion. It’s about seeing all parts of ourselves as worthy, even the hairy and shadowy parts. It’s a beautiful form of Soul Recovery.
This approach closely mirrors the one we take in our Self-Love Journal.
The DBT View
In dialectical behavioral therapy, radical acceptance is a powerful way of alleviating our suffering. Marsha Linehan, the founder of this school of therapy, defines this DBT coping skill this way,
“Radical acceptance rests on letting go of the illusion of control and a willingness to notice and accept things as they are right now, without judging.”
In the DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Linehan goes on to explain:
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What is Radical Acceptance?
1. Radical means all the way, complete and total.
2. It is accepting in your mind, your heart, and your body.
3. It’s when you stop fighting reality, stop throwing tantrums because reality is not the way you want it, and let go of bitterness.
Why Accept Reality?
1. Rejecting reality does not change reality.
2. Changing reality requires first accepting reality.
3. Pain can’t be avoided; it is nature’s way of signaling that something is wrong.
4. Rejecting reality turns pain into suffering.
5. Refusing to accept reality can keep you stuck in unhappiness, bitterness, anger, sadness, shame, or other painful emotions.
6. Acceptance may lead to sadness, but deep calmness usually follows.
7. The path out of hell is through misery. By refusing to accept the misery that is part of climbing out of hell, you fall back into hell.
Radical Acceptance is NOT:
Approval, compassion, love, passivity, or against change.
(Note that this last part deviates from Tara Brach’s understanding. However, here in DBT, radical acceptance seems to be applied to negative experiences in life as a whole.)
How to Practice Radical Acceptance (Without Betraying Yourself)
Becoming a parent in recent years has taught me so much about the need to practice acceptance. But being too flexible just leads to chaos. Embracing too much leads to burnout.
So how do you practice this healing path without betraying yourself? Here’s what I’ve learned so far through painful trial and error:
- You can both embrace your flaws, while also not being self-indulgent
Too much blind acceptance of all aspects of you makes you a narcissistic jerk. Sorry, but it’s true. Too little makes you collapse into self-loathing. The sweet spot is a balance of conscious self-acceptance, tempered with the knowledge that we’re always a work in progress.
- You can accept reality as it is, while also changing what’s within your power
There’s a saying I hear used a lot in Australia: “It is what it is.” I once thought this statement was kind of dumb – honestly the height of inanity. But then I realized there is a simplicity and wisdom in those words. What has happened, has happened. That is the acceptance part. But you can change things if you desire them to be different. That’s the empowerment part.
- You can accept people as they are, but also not want to be around them
If I was in an abusive work relationship, for example, I could accept that my coworker tends to get angry easily and take it out on others. But that doesn’t mean I want to be around them, or have to stay in that situation. Radical acceptance doesn’t mean betraying your needs for safety and condoning another’s behavior through silence or inaction. Instead, it means accepting that “Yep, this is the truth of what’s happening,” then doing something about it.
- You can embrace your difficult emotions without wallowing in them
Grief, rage, jealousy, insecurity … these are feelings we often try to avoid. But walking the path of inner work means that we start to meet, metabolize, and transform these feelings. Radical acceptance in this circumstance doesn’t mean totally sinking into these tricky emotions. It’s not about wallowing, moping, or acting them out. Instead, it’s about noticing they’re there, feeling them, but not identifying with them. Doing so allows them to pass in and out more easily.
***
Radical acceptance is a powerful path of inner healing and liberation. But it doesn’t have to be an extremist philosophy that we apply to everything. It doesn’t have to be a form of toxic positivity or spiritual bypassing.
I hope you’ve enjoyed this more “balanced” (I like to think, sane) look at this topic.
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$3Tell me, do you have any examples of radical acceptance that don’t lead to delusional, toxic, or destructive behaviors? Leave them below in the comments. I’d love to hear!
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You cant change reality by “accepting” it, since accepting means literately to be ok with how it is.
To change you must not accept it, you must change…..
I give up, all “spiritual” people are idiots
Thanks for this nuanced article! Radical acceptance is, like many helpful paths, sometimes used in strange ways. I’ve seen people using it as a mean to not take accountability for self, or allow everything as is outside, pretending all is okay for them. The toxic positivity you mentioned. Yet, when developed as a here’s where I’m at, how I feel, or here’s what trully is, it allows for better decisions. On what to let go of, and what to engage in. How to act with clarity otherwise? Not fighting against, or reacting, but more of a response to, and with? It comes with a “and then”, or “and so, from there”. Personally, I’m coming back to it… I did learn to “not judge myself or a situation” from other’s perspective, when I was just in fact stating things, to better be with them, understanding without hiding, and engaging from there. I can be stating that I really screwed up on something, without judging myself… reassurance and minimizing takes responsibility away, and feeling guilty would immobilize me. Same with something that happens from a dynamic, a situation. If a situation goes against my values, let’s say violence to obtain things, lies, and such, I prefer to name what is, first, without trying to soothen it, and just in doing so, it prevents reaction to or stale debates. Not this person shouldn’t use violence, but this person uses violence and it doesn’t feel good. The acceptance is the moment in which I settle within, validate myself. Of course I know the person as a path leading to that! But I don’t even need the “please explain yourself or change so I can feel safe within”. I do that part, then interact. Or, say, almost getting hit by a train because of a defective infrastructure – pretending I was not scared would not have helped, not would spiraling in why or who is responsible. It went more like ahhhhhhh…. oh that was scary! Oh yeah, it’s normal you got scared there! Exhale, shake. Calmed down without having to convince myself or figure out why. And then, once back in presence, I can think about oh, maybe I could write in to make sure maintenance is aware of the glitch, and they can warn others too. Yeah, let’s do that. Stating, to me, comes with putting guards down, being open and available to exist from there, without minimizing or rationalizing, not despite, with. Wondering if having what some call… radical curiosity… helps? Also wondering if that partly explains why ACT is felt less like self-gaslighting than CBT, for many. Other topics, yet related :) As always, thanks!