Emotional violence is another kind of abuse … it’s not about words because an emotionally abusive person doesn’t always resort to using the verbal club, but rather the verbal untraceable poison. – Augusten Burroughs
It was after reading the above passage in a book I recently completed by Augusten Burroughs that I stopped dead in my tracks. Emotional abuse? This concept was something completely new to me. The words settled like lead inside of my head. What I had discovered in those precise few moments, was the exact description for the subtle abuse I was, and still am, facing from my estranged parents. I read on:
They may, in fact, speak very kind words to you. And appear nothing but supportive to those around you. Their covert abuse is administered in small, cunning ways over time. So the impact is gradual, not fist-to-the-eye immediate.
What struck me about this quote is the fact that emotional abusers are very passive, very subtle, very quiet.
The tricky thing with emotional abuse like anything quiet and unobtrusive is that it can be overlooked easily, blending into the background of life. Luckily, however, it can lead traces of something “not being quite right” in your relationships – something wrong that you just can’t quite put your finger on.
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My hope is that this article will help introduce, or reintroduce, you to the world of emotional abuse. If you do decide to continue reading, please consider introspecting and reflecting on yourself and the people in your life. It could make all the difference in the world.
Emotional Abuse: The Devil’s Quiet Sister
Emotional abuse is also known as psychological or mental abuse. Its aim is to control, belittle, isolate and shame other people into subservience. This happens little by little over time, so that the victim’s sense of self-worth, self-confidence, self-concept and own ideas and perceptions erode.
Many emotional abusers operate under the guise that they are “teaching”, “advising”, “correcting”, and/or “guiding”, and therefore fly under the radar, spreading their poison for years upon years.
Types of Emotional Abuse
Emotional abuse rarely just involves criticisms or put-downs. I’ve listed some more kinds of abuse below that you should be wary of. Also, be a bit careful when you read this list. For instance, you may find one or two symptoms of emotional abuse apparent in your life, but it doesn’t necessarily make your relationships absolutely and utterly emotionally abusive. The more symptoms you recognize, the more likely you’re experiencing emotional abuse.
1. Control and Domination.
- They may control your money and your spending.
- They may treat you as an inferior person.
- They may make you feel small by reminding you of your faults and shortcomings.
- They may make you feel as though they’re always right, and you’re always wrong.
- You may feel the need to “get permission” for everything you do, or decision you have to make.
- They may give you disapproving, or condescending looks and comments.
- They may “chastise” you, and treat you like a child.
- They may control where you go, who you interact with, and/or what you do.
- They’re excessively possessive and jealous.
2. Isolation and Neglect.
- They may have difficulty taking responsibility for their actions. Instead, they deflect the blame onto you.
- They may have no regard for, and no interest in, the way you feel.
- They may use “the silent treatment” to punish you.
- They may withdraw affection from you to punish you.
- They may become deliberately emotionally distant from you for long periods of time.
- They purposely neglect to share important pieces of information with you.
- They may neglect to give you privacy, or purposely disrespect your boundaries.
3. Bullying and Humiliation.
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- They may call you names, or label you.
- They may belittle your success and triumphs.
- They may mock, impersonate or otherwise talk to you in sarcastic ways.
- They may accuse you of things that you never did.
- They may degrade or subtly humiliate you in front of other people.
- They may frequently make jokes at your own expense.
- You may feel intimidated or scared when voicing an opinion.
What to Read & Where to Go to Find Out More
If you are experiencing emotional abuse, or if you’re the one inflicting it, I’ve composed a list of resources that can help assist you with this quiet killer.
- The Emotionally Destructive Relationship by Leslie Vernick
- Emotional Abuse on Innerbody (including numbers you can call for help)
- Stories and experiences with emotional abuse (a community)
- Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse by Dr. Gregory L. Jantz
- How to Deal With Emotionally Abusive Parents (an article on WikiHow)
I’d appreciate any comments or stories of your own. I read every one of them. ;)
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Those traits completely describe my boyfriend’s brother and sister-in-law. After 6 years, including a year we kept our relationship a secret to avoid their harassment, it has finally dawned on me that as much as I love my boyfriend — he’s my best friend — it can’t be my highest good to stay in this situation. It’s causing both of us pain, and I am still trying to heal from the years before when he had not sufficiently individuated from them to really support me. Because of this, I endured serious abuse for years that, at times, made me suicidally depressed. I had never experienced abuse before, and I learned about gaslighting, shunning, minimizing, blaming, etc., from the experience. (I’m a therapist and have also read up a lot on the topic since grad school, in addition to going to therapy, and investing time to process it.)
It’s a disaster because of the past, which got REALLY rocky thanks to their meddling, but we are genuinely in a good, happy place with each other now. We moved away from them, and are so much happier where we’re at. But it’s like my soul is crying out for me to honor its truth — I genuinely can’t envision us getting married because on some level, I feel that I’m living a lie. Their family doesn’t openly acknowledge what the brother and sister-in-law do, and it leaves me to be targeted. They continue to take part in these morally reprehensible behaviors (personality disorder-level) and I’m exhausted, drained, and finally at the point where I feel like I can take no more. They honestly act like bullies in the school yard — having me socially shunned among their friends, spreading lies, having me disinvited to events, calling me names, lying about me, etc. While it’s juvenile, it’s still a low vibrational, primitive energy to even be connected to via my boyfriend. My heart aches but neither one of us can continue this way.
My boyfriend isn’t my twin flame , but he is my soul mate. He is wonderful in so many ways but the situation is so emotionally toxic for me.
Anyway, this post is great. I really like your blog! And your twin flame talk is wonderful. It describes a relationship I had at 21 and brings back vivid memories of my own experience and awakening ❤️
It is very helpful and interestingz
This article on emotional abuse describes the way my parents are with me. My Mom has BPD so her fits of rage were more obviously abusive. It is my Dad’s gaslighting that has been more difficult to understand. I feel like I can never resolve hurts witb mt parents. When I am honest with them about my thoughts and feelings they lash out in anger. Everything is my fault and they never do anything wrong. It’s very discouraging. Sometimes I think why do I try to have a relationship with them. The closer I get to them the more they hurt me. Either way I lose. I feel hopeless and heartbroken but they don’t care enough to change.
I have been going through the exact same experience my whole life. I’m going to be 37 next month. Yesterday my “mother” came to my work and said that she was not going to leave until she made sure that I lost my job. She picked up my purse and threw it across the room. She then went through lists upon lists of all the “bad” things I have ever done in my life. She said that she wished she had never had me because of the way I turned out. She said she has a box in a “secret” place full of paperwork and receipts that she wants me to take to my psychologist so that they can see how bad of a person that I am. Hours went by of me crying and pleading with her to not jeopardize my livelihood. She would start grinning like an evil witch when she saw me in pain. She left laughing and shouted as she walked out the door that she was on her way to tell my boss to fire me. I was left with no choice but to warn the owners that my mother was having one of her “episodes” and they seemed sympathetic but I’m still very aware that this episode could have consequences on my livelihood. After pleading with my “father” that I needed him to get my so called mother calmed down his only reaction was to yell and scream at me. I woke up to to a text from him this morning saying that he stopped her from going to them this time but next time, he would go to them himself. And this has been my world.
Sometimes the reasons can be very complex and staying safe & well emotionally can be more difficult than simply identifying abuse and isolating yourself from it.
A past relationship became emotionally abusive because my partner at the time developed some kind of disorder- so he was both a victim of that, and an abuser of me – but it wasn’t his fault or mine. I felt really sorry for him and wanted to help, but couldn’t.
I know it was a disorder because he would clearly display disturbed or paranoid thinking during an episode and be very emotional. Then he wouldn’t be able to remember afterwards at all. Often he’d trash the room but then be confused afterwards about the mess as he didn’t remember creating it. He also had an aversion to a lot of physical intimacy, which subsequent partners certainly didn’t have, and he became very depressed.
In the years since I have read descriptions of BPD and the ‘dissociation’ that comes with it & think that’s probably what it was or something similar. He wondered if he might be bipolar, but when we saw a doctor for his depression she just said he was an ‘alpha individual’ and to avoid stress. The severity of the situation wasn’t clear to her because he presented as very calm, bright and loving.
It was difficult to identify what was happening to the man I loved at the time or to recover afterwards. Anyway, I’ve had residues of depression about it for more than 10 years – and I hope soon there will be a lot more support out there for partners of people with BPD or, whatever similar problem he had. It was quite a traumatising thing to see him ‘losing it’ on a regular basis & would give me the silent treatment, or silent phonecalls if I was out, and trash the room. I’m sure it must be even more upsetting if your partner is deliberately cruel and conscious of what they are doing. That just wasn’t really the case with me.
Best
A
Just want to say “ABUSE” is wrong no matter the rhyme or reason. If you are hurting another person it may not be a crime, but it is a sin in the eyes of GOD. It doesn’t matter how many labels you put on them or what group you put them in, they have one purpose to seek whom they can devour. The bible is clear and you don’t have to be religious to know whom is out to steal, kill and destroy. He is the father of this earth and he will never reason with you. He may be an abuser because he was abused, your sister, brother or grandma is no excuse. Mental illness comes from the same source or root. That source is simply the powers of evil spirits. Unless there is brain damage, it is clear evil to inflict pain on anyone and not feel regret. There is only one source that can raise you up from an abusive maniac and that is the one with the power over him. Man can’t fight evil spirits alone or reason with them either. Look to your father in heaven for help. It want be easy but it’s the only solution if you are afraid to leave or if you are unable to leave. I’ve suffered abuse my whole life and believe me you know your abuser better than anyone else. It’s not up to family or friends to decide how to handle your situation. Surely, it’s not your fault if you stay with someone that you know will kill you if you leave. Anyone that says you are weak and allowing abuse if you stay with an abuser is ignorant. The only choice some victims have on a daily basis is to live in hell or die leaving. That is not really a choice at all. Nobody has the right or authority to judge your situation unless they have walked in your shoes in your house. Stand strong, pray and you will survive !!
You hit the nail on the head. God is always the answer.
What’s up, after reading this remarkable paragraph i am also delighted to share my experience here with friends.
Well feeling a bit overwhelmed. I knew sonme of the actions were emotional abusive. However with proper boundaries I think I am making progress especially because what happened in my childhood s being transferred to the children. This seems really bad now ut of control. I was raised within a family where I was the scapegoat in addition my mother made it a point that I was the property of my little sisters(twins). The thing was I had to do whatever they commanded. I th9ught I got past all of that. My relationship with my older sister and one of the twins is severely restricted because of problems they cause. I had moved to a different state for a couple of decades . Guess my hope that things would be somewhat different was unrealistic. However my one little sister seemed to have moved past that idealism that I was less than everyone or so I thought. She offered me a place to live which at the time I desperately need still am in a position not to moved out. Now she has 2 grown daughters who over the past few years have gone back and forth with doing things that were wrong if not abusive. The one neice struggles with addiction. So I had frgiven a lot over the past few years. Right now she is abusing again but she is getting ridiculous along with her sister. Recently i was informed I am to clean after them c0ntinously. My little sister had my older sister take pictures of the basement where my niece who struggles with drug abuse was living to shame me into cleaning up the huge mess she makes. I do not go in the basement because I decided I was not going to cobntinue to clean up crap and stuff when she decided she was going to get clean or whatever. The other thing is they have taken stuff from me even stole clothes that d8id not fit them but because they did not want me to have them or gave them to others. They broke up faNS AND OTHER HOUSEHOLD ITEMS LIKE EATERS AND SUCH THAT i BROUGHT FROM ANOTHER STATE WITH ME. nOW THE YOUNGER NECE TOLD ME THAT i WAS TO GO TO WORK COME HOME AND CLEAN C0NTINOUSLY AND IF i WORK FAST ENOUGH i MIGHT HAVE 10 MINUTES TO READ A BOOK. i WAS NOT TO WATCH TV OR LISTEN TO MUSIC BUT TO CLEAN. tHEN i WAS TO TAKE MY PAYCHECK AND BUY THEM THINGS FOR THE HOUSE LIKE CERTAIN FOODS IF THEY DIDBN;T WANT ME TO EAT THEY WILL TAKE IT ABND LOCK IT IBN THEIR ROOM. sHE JUST KEPT REPEATING THIS WAS THE LIFE i WAS BORN INTO i NEEDED TO ACCEPT IT AND STOP COMPLAINING. i THINK THS S AN EXAMPLE OF SEVERE FAMILY ABUSE…. so I was happy to read this and to validate my feelings that this type of treatment is wrong it is not me… Thank you for posting. I will be finding a way out of this then I will moved to another statre cause I can not continue to stay here as I see it they see me as their slave I see it as it is not a healthy place for me to be. I think I need to just give up that sense of belonginess I strive for all m life .
I was looking for a site to read over. I know that I an suffering from emotional abuse by my family. My sister was sexually abuse by my father and her daughter was sexually abused by my brother. They hate me for just being, the older we get the more they hate me. They/we are distant now since mom is passed on. My father passed on a few years ago and the service was marred as they once again hated me for I guess looking just like him. My brother has been in prison now for 17 years and I go to see him NEVER telling my sister and niece (my niece was 9 and is not 40). I live 10 minutes away from them both but never ever see them. I text on holidays and they respond….so hurt by it all and they feel I do not care because I go to see my brother. I have to forgive him but I shall always remember how this situation has changed my life by just being his daughter and his sister. I have no one to talk too. I hide it all very well, but I think I have been found out by my actions. People think that I have emotional issues – I have to work but some see through me……time to move on.
Ive been dating this guy for 6 yrs., on & off.my needs & wants are only important to him if they co-inside with whatever he feels HE NEEDS OR WANTS..
LATELY, THOUGH, IVE BEEN GIVING BACK TO HIM A LITTLE OF WHAT HES BEEN DISHING OUT…
AND guess what? Now ive become the abuser.He cant say anything to me without me throughing his abuse in his face, sarcasticly ofcourse..
We keep breaking up & getting back together & everytime we get back together less & less of what we ALMOST HAD is ripped even further away..i keep taking him back & saying i forgive, but i make damn sure he knows I WILL NEVER FORGET!
I want to walk away, so bad, but im so afraid that nobody will ever want me again. After all im 52 & not getting any younger, or better looking.
#I’ve become the man i hate to love, but love to hate..HELP ME!!!!
My wife has complete control over my life I cannot do anything without her approval she hates my family even though she contributed to their terrible relationship but takes no fault in it. I cannot speak with my family unless it is on speaker phone and she can hear it. If they call and I am not by her I am not allowed to answer it.
I have no power even when she is wrong she won’t apologize even when she hits me or says horrible things to me. It was my fault that she did those things.
I left the room she was in because she was verbally assaulting me and my son was in the room and I didn’t want him to hear the F word over and over. So when I left she then sent him into the other room and had him tell me “you are a horrible daddy for walking out” I asked him why he would say that and he said because mommy told me too.
I then addressed that with her and instead of her apologizing or admitting that was wrong she simply said well you only listen to him so I will just tell him what to say.
I don’t know how long I can go on but I have children with this person and I fear what she will do if I attempt to leave. I also know that when I am there at least the kids will be loved and told positive things as she is very negative with them.
I am completely under someone’s thumb and don’t know how to protect myself or my kids of the potential backlash I need help to find a voice and a backbone but i have just been beaten down for so long I have no idea where to start.
I moved to a new country over 5 years ago. I met my partner through work and have been together for over four years. I lost my dad a year ago. Though he has been supportive in his way, it is not enough. I went home to the funeral with my brother. The day my dad died my partner said he felt a bit relieved it happened that day not later in the week as he had a big tournament later in the week. I came home to an empty house when I landed back in the country after the funeral as he was at the tournament. I had even asked him to come back early but he didn’t. A year in my work is stressful but I am getting through it. I bring work home and talk too much about it which can lead to us disagreeing. I went to counseling to help with My grief and work stress. But my partner wants to know if I have talked about him. Last night he got really mad because I forgot to control what I talk about and brought up work. He was so angry gave me his solution to my work issues and made it clear if I don’t do that he doesn’t want to hear about my issues any more. His views are so black or white, no space for emotion or feelings. His opinion or thoughts are fact in his eyes. He scares me. He shouted down the phone to his mum when she sold some of her belongings that he had said he wanted. When we were voting in a national election he wanted to know who I was voting form but I find that a private thing and had not made my mind up. But he made it clear if he finds out I voted for the party he hates he will finish it with me. I was brought up in a loving home. Not perfect we fell out over things but we have respect for each other. My parents gave out to us but shouting and screaming was so rare you would have had to have something terrible. But with my partner he raises his voice frequently and snaps at me so often, he gets annoyed and frustrated so easily. It scares me.
The thing you mentioned about your partner being relieved that your father died at a time convenient for his tournament speaks volumes. Someone with empathy would never say that. The hard and honest truth is that if you continue your relationship with your partner, overtime it will affect your sanity, self esteem and self worth. A narcissist by definition lacks empathy. This might be your partner. If you are okay risking your sanity then stay in the relationship. Perhaps he will go for counseling but he doesn’t seem like the type. You should make it a priority to protect your mental health. If you are not financially dependant on him then that gives you a much easier escape.