Emotional violence is another kind of abuse … it’s not about words because an emotionally abusive person doesn’t always resort to using the verbal club, but rather the verbal untraceable poison. – Augusten Burroughs
It was after reading the above passage in a book I recently completed by Augusten Burroughs that I stopped dead in my tracks. Emotional abuse? This concept was something completely new to me. The words settled like lead inside of my head. What I had discovered in those precise few moments, was the exact description for the subtle abuse I was, and still am, facing from my estranged parents. I read on:
They may, in fact, speak very kind words to you. And appear nothing but supportive to those around you. Their covert abuse is administered in small, cunning ways over time. So the impact is gradual, not fist-to-the-eye immediate.
What struck me about this quote is the fact that emotional abusers are very passive, very subtle, very quiet.
The tricky thing with emotional abuse like anything quiet and unobtrusive is that it can be overlooked easily, blending into the background of life. Luckily, however, it can lead traces of something “not being quite right” in your relationships – something wrong that you just can’t quite put your finger on.
Receive every enlightening journal, workbook, ebook, bundle, deck, meditation, and download that we offer here on our lonerwolf store in this all-in-one bundle (80+ items included!)
My hope is that this article will help introduce, or reintroduce, you to the world of emotional abuse. If you do decide to continue reading, please consider introspecting and reflecting on yourself and the people in your life. It could make all the difference in the world.
Emotional Abuse: The Devil’s Quiet Sister
Emotional abuse is also known as psychological or mental abuse. Its aim is to control, belittle, isolate and shame other people into subservience. This happens little by little over time, so that the victim’s sense of self-worth, self-confidence, self-concept and own ideas and perceptions erode.
Many emotional abusers operate under the guise that they are “teaching”, “advising”, “correcting”, and/or “guiding”, and therefore fly under the radar, spreading their poison for years upon years.
Types of Emotional Abuse
Emotional abuse rarely just involves criticisms or put-downs. I’ve listed some more kinds of abuse below that you should be wary of. Also, be a bit careful when you read this list. For instance, you may find one or two symptoms of emotional abuse apparent in your life, but it doesn’t necessarily make your relationships absolutely and utterly emotionally abusive. The more symptoms you recognize, the more likely you’re experiencing emotional abuse.
1. Control and Domination.
- They may control your money and your spending.
- They may treat you as an inferior person.
- They may make you feel small by reminding you of your faults and shortcomings.
- They may make you feel as though they’re always right, and you’re always wrong.
- You may feel the need to “get permission” for everything you do, or decision you have to make.
- They may give you disapproving, or condescending looks and comments.
- They may “chastise” you, and treat you like a child.
- They may control where you go, who you interact with, and/or what you do.
- They’re excessively possessive and jealous.
2. Isolation and Neglect.
- They may have difficulty taking responsibility for their actions. Instead, they deflect the blame onto you.
- They may have no regard for, and no interest in, the way you feel.
- They may use “the silent treatment” to punish you.
- They may withdraw affection from you to punish you.
- They may become deliberately emotionally distant from you for long periods of time.
- They purposely neglect to share important pieces of information with you.
- They may neglect to give you privacy, or purposely disrespect your boundaries.
3. Bullying and Humiliation.
- They may call you names, or label you.
- They may belittle your success and triumphs.
- They may mock, impersonate or otherwise talk to you in sarcastic ways.
- They may accuse you of things that you never did.
- They may degrade or subtly humiliate you in front of other people.
- They may frequently make jokes at your own expense.
- You may feel intimidated or scared when voicing an opinion.
What to Read & Where to Go to Find Out More
If you are experiencing emotional abuse, or if you’re the one inflicting it, I’ve composed a list of resources that can help assist you with this quiet killer.
- The Emotionally Destructive Relationship by Leslie Vernick
- Emotional Abuse on Innerbody (including numbers you can call for help)
- Stories and experiences with emotional abuse (a community)
- Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse by Dr. Gregory L. Jantz
- How to Deal With Emotionally Abusive Parents (an article on WikiHow)
I’d appreciate any comments or stories of your own. I read every one of them. ;)
Those traits completely describe my boyfriend’s brother and sister-in-law. After 6 years, including a year we kept our relationship a secret to avoid their harassment, it has finally dawned on me that as much as I love my boyfriend — he’s my best friend — it can’t be my highest good to stay in this situation. It’s causing both of us pain, and I am still trying to heal from the years before when he had not sufficiently individuated from them to really support me. Because of this, I endured serious abuse for years that, at times, made me suicidally depressed. I had never experienced abuse before, and I learned about gaslighting, shunning, minimizing, blaming, etc., from the experience. (I’m a therapist and have also read up a lot on the topic since grad school, in addition to going to therapy, and investing time to process it.) It’s a disaster because of the past, which got REALLY rocky thanks to their meddling, but we are genuinely in a good, happy place with each other now. We moved away from them, and are so much happier where we’re at. But it’s like my soul is crying out for me to honor… Read more »
This article on emotional abuse describes the way my parents are with me. My Mom has BPD so her fits of rage were more obviously abusive. It is my Dad’s gaslighting that has been more difficult to understand. I feel like I can never resolve hurts witb mt parents. When I am honest with them about my thoughts and feelings they lash out in anger. Everything is my fault and they never do anything wrong. It’s very discouraging. Sometimes I think why do I try to have a relationship with them. The closer I get to them the more they hurt me. Either way I lose. I feel hopeless and heartbroken but they don’t care enough to change.
Sometimes the reasons can be very complex and staying safe & well emotionally can be more difficult than simply identifying abuse and isolating yourself from it. A past relationship became emotionally abusive because my partner at the time developed some kind of disorder- so he was both a victim of that, and an abuser of me – but it wasn’t his fault or mine. I felt really sorry for him and wanted to help, but couldn’t. I know it was a disorder because he would clearly display disturbed or paranoid thinking during an episode and be very emotional. Then he wouldn’t be able to remember afterwards at all. Often he’d trash the room but then be confused afterwards about the mess as he didn’t remember creating it. He also had an aversion to a lot of physical intimacy, which subsequent partners certainly didn’t have, and he became very depressed. In the years since I have read descriptions of BPD and the ‘dissociation’ that comes with it & think that’s probably what it was or something similar. He wondered if he might be bipolar, but when we saw a doctor for his depression she just said he was an ‘alpha individual’… Read more »
Just want to say “ABUSE” is wrong no matter the rhyme or reason. If you are hurting another person it may not be a crime, but it is a sin in the eyes of GOD. It doesn’t matter how many labels you put on them or what group you put them in, they have one purpose to seek whom they can devour. The bible is clear and you don’t have to be religious to know whom is out to steal, kill and destroy. He is the father of this earth and he will never reason with you. He may be an abuser because he was abused, your sister, brother or grandma is no excuse. Mental illness comes from the same source or root. That source is simply the powers of evil spirits. Unless there is brain damage, it is clear evil to inflict pain on anyone and not feel regret. There is only one source that can raise you up from an abusive maniac and that is the one with the power over him. Man can’t fight evil spirits alone or reason with them either. Look to your father in heaven for help. It want be easy but it’s the… Read more »
What’s up, after reading this remarkable paragraph i am also delighted to share my experience here with friends.
Well feeling a bit overwhelmed. I knew sonme of the actions were emotional abusive. However with proper boundaries I think I am making progress especially because what happened in my childhood s being transferred to the children. This seems really bad now ut of control. I was raised within a family where I was the scapegoat in addition my mother made it a point that I was the property of my little sisters(twins). The thing was I had to do whatever they commanded. I th9ught I got past all of that. My relationship with my older sister and one of the twins is severely restricted because of problems they cause. I had moved to a different state for a couple of decades . Guess my hope that things would be somewhat different was unrealistic. However my one little sister seemed to have moved past that idealism that I was less than everyone or so I thought. She offered me a place to live which at the time I desperately need still am in a position not to moved out. Now she has 2 grown daughters who over the past few years have gone back and forth with doing things that… Read more »
I was looking for a site to read over. I know that I an suffering from emotional abuse by my family. My sister was sexually abuse by my father and her daughter was sexually abused by my brother. They hate me for just being, the older we get the more they hate me. They/we are distant now since mom is passed on. My father passed on a few years ago and the service was marred as they once again hated me for I guess looking just like him. My brother has been in prison now for 17 years and I go to see him NEVER telling my sister and niece (my niece was 9 and is not 40). I live 10 minutes away from them both but never ever see them. I text on holidays and they respond….so hurt by it all and they feel I do not care because I go to see my brother. I have to forgive him but I shall always remember how this situation has changed my life by just being his daughter and his sister. I have no one to talk too. I hide it all very well, but I think I have been… Read more »
Ive been dating this guy for 6 yrs., on & off.my needs & wants are only important to him if they co-inside with whatever he feels HE NEEDS OR WANTS..
LATELY, THOUGH, IVE BEEN GIVING BACK TO HIM A LITTLE OF WHAT HES BEEN DISHING OUT…
AND guess what? Now ive become the abuser.He cant say anything to me without me throughing his abuse in his face, sarcasticly ofcourse..
We keep breaking up & getting back together & everytime we get back together less & less of what we ALMOST HAD is ripped even further away..i keep taking him back & saying i forgive, but i make damn sure he knows I WILL NEVER FORGET!
I want to walk away, so bad, but im so afraid that nobody will ever want me again. After all im 52 & not getting any younger, or better looking.
#I’ve become the man i hate to love, but love to hate..HELP ME!!!!
My wife has complete control over my life I cannot do anything without her approval she hates my family even though she contributed to their terrible relationship but takes no fault in it. I cannot speak with my family unless it is on speaker phone and she can hear it. If they call and I am not by her I am not allowed to answer it. I have no power even when she is wrong she won’t apologize even when she hits me or says horrible things to me. It was my fault that she did those things. I left the room she was in because she was verbally assaulting me and my son was in the room and I didn’t want him to hear the F word over and over. So when I left she then sent him into the other room and had him tell me “you are a horrible daddy for walking out” I asked him why he would say that and he said because mommy told me too. I then addressed that with her and instead of her apologizing or admitting that was wrong she simply said well you only listen to him so I will… Read more »
I moved to a new country over 5 years ago. I met my partner through work and have been together for over four years. I lost my dad a year ago. Though he has been supportive in his way, it is not enough. I went home to the funeral with my brother. The day my dad died my partner said he felt a bit relieved it happened that day not later in the week as he had a big tournament later in the week. I came home to an empty house when I landed back in the country after the funeral as he was at the tournament. I had even asked him to come back early but he didn’t. A year in my work is stressful but I am getting through it. I bring work home and talk too much about it which can lead to us disagreeing. I went to counseling to help with My grief and work stress. But my partner wants to know if I have talked about him. Last night he got really mad because I forgot to control what I talk about and brought up work. He was so angry gave me his solution to… Read more »