Note: this is an informal, blog-styled post sharing personal thoughts and reflections in a non-linear and non-problem-solving way. If you want to learn more about meaning and purpose in a more structured article, see Meaning of Life VS. Purpose of Life (the Difference!).
A few weeks ago, in the LonerWolf Howl newsletter, I sent an email that got a lot of feedback from our community entitled Embracing the Death Spiral (+ One Crucial Question).ย
In this email, I spoke about the fact that we had both come down with Covid for the first time, which brought up a lot of deeper questions and reflections. As I wrote:
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โญ๏ธโญ๏ธโญ๏ธโญ๏ธโญ "I started the Spiritual Wanderers Course a short while ago and for the first time in twelve years I have started to experience love, acceptance and compassion for myself and within myself. Thank you so much." โ Vivienne S.
And Iโll be honest: it was a lot. Things avoided inevitably came up out of the blue to be processed, mentally and emotionally. Newer unanswered questions emerged. Unexpected shifts erupted. Other than the obvious physical side to it, Covid was surprisingly psychological.
Iโm going to be expanding on a few of those reflections today.
What is the Death Spiral?
The Cambridge dictionary defines the death spiral in a pretty somber way, which Iโm not going to get into here because, in true lone wolf style, Iโve chosen to define it differently.ย
To me, on a personal level, the death spiral is an experience in life where old habits, behaviors, and identities start to crack apart and crumble. We often feel stuck in a limbo or an in-between space.
In the tradition of Tibetan Buddhism, this in-between period is known as the Bardo, which is a space where the soul resides between death and rebirth. We can also enter this Bardo many times during the course of our lives (not just when we die) according to spiritual teacher Pema Chรถdrรถn.
Signs that youโre going through a death spiral include, for example:
- Realizing that things that once worked no longer work now
- Noticing that long-established patterns are now dissolving and composting beneath you
- Feeling lost
- Feeling demotivated and low-energy
- Loss of meaning or purpose
- Being in a liminal state of not knowing โwhat next.โ
In the death spiral, the desire to grow, expand, and take up more space becomes almost painful.
I like using the term โdeath spiralโ because the way of life is indeed spiralic: it ebbs and flows.ย
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We observe life and death all around us in the seasons, in the birth and demise of animal life, in the explosion of stars and the formation of new galaxies, and in the rise and fall of the sun and moon.
ย We, too, go through death spirals; ones that are both small and large, internal and external โ and we experience this many times throughout the course of our lives.ย
My Experience With the Death Spiral Right Now
As I write this, itโs mid-November 2023, and I can say without a doubt that Iโm in a death spiral right now.ย
This isnโt the first time, and it wonโt be the last time, but the hardest part of this death spiral for me is how it demands that I take a brutally honest reflection on my own work and contribution to this world.ย
Not only that, but the death spiral asks me to find what isnโt working, what isnโt filling my cup any longer, and what I need to let go of โ which, quite frankly, feels freakinโ scary and like the house around me is collapsing.
After working so hard for many months on the Mindful Shadow Work book and Chakra Shadow Work Journal, I finally managed to cross the finish line earlier this month. I launched them to the world, and I now cross my fingers and hope people love and review them well. I believe they’re both dynamic and powerful creations.
Bam โ I completed my goal!
But then, I fell ill with Covid (literally the same week as the launch), was forced to slow down, and also faced the lack of direction and purpose that I feel deep down in my wider work but have ironically buried in the shadow through my workaholism tendencies.ย
I donโt have the full picture yet, and Iโm not at a level of complete clarity, but I learned that something is missing in my work here on lonerwolf. I discovered that I was entering a death spiral.
Donโt get me wrong, I love exploring the spiritual awakening journey, and in particular, the dark side of humanity, and I always will. Shadow work is something deeply important to me and I continue to stand by it.
But I need to expand. Lonerwolf needs to expand. I need to grow, evolve, and explore new areas.ย
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Iโve been exploring the psychological, emotional, and metaphysical aspects of the spiritual journey for over a decade now. Yes, I’ve done 10+ years of consistent hard work and effort โฆ and yet Iโm beginning to lack more and more purpose and feel increasingly stuck.
The Power of Meaning and Purpose
This crisis of feeling lost, aimless, stuck, stranded, uninspired, and empty that I’m experiencing has led to a lot of reflection and discussion with Mateo, who is experiencing similar feelings.
And these conversations have led me to realize how essential meaning and purpose are to our lives โ they are literally the bedrock on which I build a sense of fulfillment, joy, and well-being.ย
In fact, what I do here is my spiritual path. My work is my gift to this world and something I feel like Iโll be proud of on my deathbed. And it can feel damn scary when thatโs challenged.ย
Without having a strong meaning each day โ without feeling inspired, directed, and focused, I feel adrift. Feelings of being overwhelmed and impotent come up as I observe the situation of the planet and society, and I realize how powerful having a meaning is in that it gives you a sense of agency.
It makes you feel like youโre helping or creating small ripples of change โ it gives you a sense of purposeful empowerment. Because even if youโre not the savior of the planet (which no one can be), youโre still doing something.ย
One Key Reflection
As my attention has begun shifting away from the trauma-healing aspect of the spiritual journey โ which Iโve written incessantly for years and years on end โ Iโve begun thinking more about meaning and purpose.
What does it mean to have meaning and purpose? How do you find them? Why are they so important in this day and age? And why are we going through a meaning crisis as a society?
Iโm still reflecting on these questions, and if you have any insight, feel free to share it in the comments.
For those familiar with tarot, Iโm personally experiencing an eight of cups + death period:
So what Iโve decided to do is begin reading Ikigai, a well-known book that talks a lot about how to find your reason to jump out of bed in the morning.
And the one key reflection from that book that I want to share comes from death camp survivor and psychiatrist Viktor Frankl, who writes:ย
Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms โ to choose oneโs attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose oneโs own way.
This quote comes from a man who survived one of the most horrific experiences in the history of humanity โ the Holocaust. He survived it by finding a sense of meaning and purpose which was constructing his own form of psychotherapy known as logotherapy on scavenged pieces of paper in the death camp he occupied.ย
If that isnโt a damn trial by fire, I donโt know what is โ and while there are so many paths, theories, and healing movements out there these days, when push comes to shove, when shit hits the fan, they often lack the power to help us find true rootedness and sanity, in the moment.
Please reflect on the above key quote by Viktor Frankl and find what it means to you.
Last Thoughts
Iโm hanging out in a space of confusion, uncertainty, and lostness right now. Perhaps you are, too. If so, I hope you feel comforted in knowing that youโre not alone.
Meaning and purpose are essential to a life well lived, and Iโm going to continue reflecting deeply on this topic. Who knows what will come out of it?
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Dear Aletheia,
Thank you for sharing! Last time I wrote in a response after the death spiral article that I recognize this phase.
I call it a purification process and ‘decomposition phase’ and I think the intention is to find the ‘new’ in this. Like the cycle in nature.
I had a burn out 25 years ago. It took me a long time to recover. Now, in retrospect, that was also a death spiral and something new also came out of it.
This year everything that no longer works has come to the surface, also because my work and more have disappeared, but the signs were there much earlier.
The bottom line is that nothing I built my life with is still standing and nothing new has yet taken its place.
I have decided not to do anything because for me that is feeding the old mechanism. Quite an art because I am also a seeker for answers, especially outside myself :-)
Just like you, my life is only valuable if I am of significance, especially to others.
I was also a workaholic, but I paid a high price for that.
For me now it is mainly about embracing myself and this phase of ‘nothing’ and from there allowing something new to arise. In fact, for me it means a ‘rebirth’ and an existential question of why I am here.
For me it is a profound journey inward, preferably in silence. And don’t go outside yet! In addition, for me it is mainly learning to relax in that ‘nothingness’ and daring to surrender to how life unfolds. These are big words but that’s what it’s about for me.
It is special and nice to share that with someone who lives on the other side of the world.
With love,
Djouke Rea
Dear Djouke,
Thank you for sharing your experience. I think it takes a lot of patience and courage to sit still in the in-between space, for me it can be quite tormenting! The tendency of the mind, after all, is to try and fill emptiness out of fear (as Aristotle said, โnature abhors a vacuum”) – so this requires true humility, persistence, fortitude, and inward looking. I’m inspired by your words and your lived experience, Djouke. Just look at how many others here are experiencing this alongside you and I โ it is comforting, and as you say, a special feeling.
Lots of love ๏ปฟ๐๏ปฟ
Hi, I completely relate to this right now. Your work is always propitiously timed to be right where I am/need. Sharing what you do with us feels like great meaning/purpose to me, but I understand what you’re saying. I think Robert Holden does powerful and beautiful work around purpose and meaning. And Tanmeet Sethi.
Thanks for those recommendations, Grayling, and for your affirming words. I appreciate them and you ๏ปฟ๐๏ปฟ
I suppose meaning and purpose is something I’d expected to find on the spiritual path, but it’s more like the question of “why am I here” is no longer bothersome, though unanswered. Ikigai doesn’t mean anything to me, and any role can give me purpose, I would think, as long as I care about it. You see, the difference between wanting a purpose and caring enough to pursue it is further than you might think, and the ability to carry it out is not just a matter of power, but finding an appropriate outlet for that power.
That is not to say there is no path that seems better or worse than one another in some degree. Any course that helps you survive, though you may not directly sense it benefits your root. Any course that seems appealing will benefit your sacral, the solar plexus, of the first two together, the opening of your mind, your heart (as the two are one in this sense), and so on.
But if these centers are already satisfied, or whose satisfaction, with your help, can sustain any course of action, your purpose in this world is already being fulfilled as long as you are conscious, as conscious as you are. You might as well pick a career just for the money, if that were the case. It could be anything.
After all, as Victor Frankl says, “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms โ to choose oneโs attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose oneโs own way.”
I’m not quite sure how to respond to your message as I’m unsure of where you were taking it, Mason. For instance, what do you mean by: “ itโs more like the question of โwhy am I hereโ is no longer bothersome, though unanswered.”
Thanks for reading. :)
Frankly, I’m not sure where I was taking it either, but I considered that sliver of it the most understandable point. No? I feel then, that I had better formulate it in the style of Maharshi, then, if I can.
Existential questions like “Who am I,” “Why am I here,” “Why I am on this Earth,” etc., may be answered logically, i.e. in words. The idea is, we do not need to carry labels of identity around. Simply processing these things without attaching to them helps us be more authentic. At some point, after so much questioning, and calling forth what we think we are and letting go of needing to associate with that, it is natural, or at least more natural, to let go of the question “Who am I” entirely. The question is always there, you are always asking it, and it is always being answered whether or not the process happens consciously. The whole business of meditation can be delegated to the part of us that does not think, and we go about our lives.
Well, after 7 years pursuing a spiritual path with a group headed by a spiritual narcissist, I finally saw through the whole mess and was forced to leave. A lot of things I had assumed were important now are of little interest. I really had to uncouple everything and figure out what worked for ME. After two years of carrying pain I am at the acceptance that life is inherently meaningless. We make meaning of it. Free will is fairly limited and itโsa construct of our biology. We are here pretty much just to experience the ride. I am in spiritual free fall and have no idea where I will land. But not thatโs ok. I live day to day, retired lifestyle, doing what gives me pleasure and leaving the rest alone. Life looks a little different now, But I only wish to see it as it is, stripped of all expectations of what itโs supposed to be. Talk about dumping other peopleโs second hand belief systems! And a few of my own constructs as well. But itโs working and peace has returned, even if I hesitate to call it โhappinessโ as such.
I’m glad you saw through the whole mess and liberated yourself from that environment, Daniel. I’ve learned that there’s the personal and the impersonal level. On the personal level, we do have a subjective meaning. On the impersonal more objective level, life simply is. Everything just happens, as in, things arise and fall in consciousness spontaneously. On my journey, I try to honor both without veering too much into one or the other: the middle way. It must be a relief for you, even though you’re in spiritual freefall, to be retired and to have that freedom to take each day as it comes. Thanks for sharing this ๏ปฟ๐๏ปฟ
Hello Luna, I also want to share my view about this and my experience as well, and I really hope and pray that you may find great guidance in your sense of purpose.
As for me, I can relate to the thing about losing my right sense of purpose. It’s been quite three years, and before that time, I realize that I was on a delusive path. In a nutshell, I am one of the kind of people who want to identify with a certain life purpose, which is often a superficial one. To identify with a certain purpose is to do everything for it, that’s how I wanted to feel a meaning of my life. The superficiality of that path led me into the edge of madness, since I couldn’t believe my eyes how can my ‘life purpose’ be so unreachable. What followed was a loss of motivation to do or to be anything, because before I forced myself to be workaholic.
Then, after a certain time, I recalled that I was a Muslim, and that God told Humanity in the last Holy book (Quran):” I did not create Jinns (sense-hidden creatures) and humans except to worship Me. (Chapter 51, 56)”. To be honest, When I used to hear this verse, I thought: “But life has other worthy things, not just worship!”, but thankfully now I understand what worshiping God really means, and I know there can be no other possible purpose. From then on, I have decided to try embracing this clear purpose for the rest of my life, by God’s will and power. To worship God is to consider the relationship between an individual and God as the most important above all other relationships. In fact, all other relationships must be governed by this relationship to God. We should love others and ourselves for God’s sake…
Embracing this purpose have helped me a lot in my life, it’s, and all thanks to God, the reason I get out of bed each morning. It’s not that all my problems are solved, at the contrary, sometimes I really feel very stuck, very unmoved and stagnated, but I keep relying on God’s mercy, because I have decided to surrender to God’s will.
In Islam, suffering and doing mistakes is not an excuse to lose hope and faith, and this is really personally meaningful. The quran shows examples of how a true faithful deals with making mistakes, he/she repents, stays aware of the wrongfulness of that act, but self-forgive enough to allow a possibility to become better. And who knows what rewards are waiting for us?
The last prophet of God, Muhammad, who is not just a deliverer of God’s words, but also the greatest example of the spiritual and ethical human, once said: “The rewards of deeds depend upon the intention…”, what we really want deep down from everything is what matters. And this reminds me of Victor’s quote you shared, based on what I understood from it, is the same message that I really relate to, everything can be restricted but the intention, the intention is the basis, and only God knows our intention, and we should all have faith in God’s mercy because who knows the wisdom behind all suffering other than God?
Self-acceptance is a very important thing for me, since I am a machine of mistakes, and it’s an inherent part of Islam. This spiritual path does not command people to destruct their psychs when they make wrong deeds, because we know that God’s mercy is much more present than God’s punishment, but religion commands awareness of one’s mistakes and a determination to become closer to God.
Here is a little story about the Messanger Muhammad when his son Ibrahim died:
“Abdur-Rahman bin ‘Auf (May Allah be pleased with him) said, “O Messenger of Allah, you too weep?” He (๏ทบ) said, “O Ibn ‘Auf! It is mercy.” Then he began to weep and said, “The eyes are shedding tears and the heart is grieved, and we will not say except what pleases our God. O Ibrahim!”
The prophet in this passage did not deny his emotional needs and his grievances, he acknowledges that he is a human, and his sadness does not stop him from being grateful to God after the death of his infant son. Isn’t this an example
of self-acceptance for all humans?
The path in front of me seems to me quite unclear, but I know my purpose and this really helps, and I wish it will help everyone! Thankfully, by God’s Mercy, I enter sometimes into stages when I feel really stuck, but I find myself later into stages of contentment and fulfilment, and I know that God tests his worshipers with good things (in our perspective) and bad things, however everything that comes from God is deep-down beneficial for us, that’s faith.
โค๏ธ
I agree with you that the relationship between God and the individual is the most important one. If you have that straight everything else keeps some sort of alignment.
also, Verse 1:
Tao and the world seem different
but they are one and the same
the only difference is what we call them.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this, Crunchy. Yes exactly everything becomes straight when one has a straight relationship with God, the One. It’s a deep relationship that I believe is infinite because God is the Rich (“Al Ghani” in arabic, infinite richness) and the Loving. I am sure some people all over the world and history have experienced this deep relationship, those who know God. Sush people are the free ones, free from the ‘matrix’ of lies, hatred, greed and all other sins, free from all inner and outer restrictions, that’s because they have bounded themselves to God, who is the Truth/True one. They have found inner peace, because they know the Peace (God). That’s spiritual enlightenment to me.
Here is what God, the Great, has also said about himself in the Quran:
“Allah (The God) is the Light of the heavens and the earth. The Parable of His Light is as if there were a Niche and within it a Lamp: the Lamp enclosed in Glass: the glass as it were a brilliant star: Lit from a blessed Tree, an Olive, neither of the east nor of the west, whose oil is well-nigh luminous, though fire scarce touched it: Light upon Light! God doth guide whom He will to His Light: God doth set forth Parables for men: and God doth know all things.”
Chapter: Annour (The Light) 35
While I am not very informed about Taoism, I have searched the word Tao and it seems it means ‘The path/ the way’, honestly after I have read an article about Taoism here, I am considering searching about its philosophy, it looks beautiful. There are certainly many and many things that we don’t know.
However, I am just totally against the idea of confusing creation with the creator (if that’s what Taoism implies), there is however ,a strong relationship between the two, we believe in the soul and the Fitra (inner guidance), but to believe that God is everything around us, including us, that’s totally unacceptable because it’s about identifying God (who is the most sublime) with superficial elements of creation, Egos, objects… Furthermore, even though some people swear that such things exist because they claim to have experienced it, it’s not the business of the follower of True faith to follow them, because the belief itself leads to narcissism and other pathological states, not to enlightenment and peace.
Thanks for sharing your experience, Hawky. I’m glad you’ve found purpose as a Muslim :)
HUG FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART! I totally feel you sister… Iยดm here for you.
Thank you Maria, I send a big hug right back to you ๏ปฟ๐ค๏ปฟ
Hi Aletheia, your post really resonated with me, as I experienced something a few months ago that set me back. In the midst of trying to do, do, do, I experienced what felt like a rubber band smacking me in the face, forcing me to stop and come to a deep and radical acceptance of what I needed to let go of, change, and integrate (in very new ways). It happened quite suddenly, and definitely felt like the 8 of cups & death energy you referenced, perhaps even with a bit of the tower card energy too. I had to surrender and simply flow – like a duck – and know with all my heart I was being guided to where I needed to go, even if I didn’t know where that was yet. Sometimes I feel like integrating means more doing, when in all actuality, for me at least, it means not doing. Or, undoing what I thought “doing” meant.
I also feel like some of the containers we’ve been in – whether they include relationships, projects, goals, careers, jobs, beliefs, etc. – are too small now and need to expand in some way; be repotted, if you will. Our souls want to grow in new and different ways and we can’t do what we’ve been doing or in the ways we’ve done them. I also feel like collectively, many of us are going through sudden and unexpected reboots, as if the GPS recalculated our soul journeys and pinged “time to go this way!” Of course, we didn’t consider that as part of our plan, and I think that it was makes this death spiral experience all the more uncomfortable. Like we’re being stretched out a little too much.
Something that has helped me during this process is refining and reconnecting to my core values. To what truly matters to me in this season of my life. My guiding principles. I have had to slow down a lot (physically and energetically), redefine how I allocate my time and energy, and to what/whom. The ‘what’ part connects to the meaning and purpose you mention, and I feel like the puzzle pieces are still coming through, even if they are not 100% delineated. But tapping into how I feel has been the instrument guiding me forward, and allowing me to float on forward like a duck. I also kept hearing Modest Mouse’s “Float On” song. Thank you so much for always sharing yourself with us and for this incredibly reflective piece!
Beautiful โ this really spoke to me! I love this metaphor. I agree as well with your reflections on the collective shifts happening around us โ by a simple glance at all the comments here, it’s clear that many people are experiencing the same feelings. It’s comforting to know that even though we don’t have all the pieces of the puzzle, or even know where the pieces are to begin with, we’re not ultimately alone.
Thank you for being here and for sharing, Christine ๏ปฟ๐๏ปฟ
I appreciate the article. I didnโt have a name for what I am going through but glad to see I am not alone. Thanks again.
Glad to hear that Scot :)
I guess the universe or God will provide your answers when your ready. I admit, it’s hard to be patient but I’ve learned to allow when it seems to be right. Appreciate how far you’ve come so far. You know all about what I’m saying but its good sometimes to here it from someone else. Have a great holiday season!
Thanks Pierre! And you too ๏ปฟ๐๏ปฟ
Perhaps your insistence on a specific purpose and meaning is creating the sense of dissatisfaction. Try surrender and quiet and open yourself to all possibility.
“Try surrender and quiet and open yourself to all possibility.” โ This is a daily practice of mine, something that has become increasingly important. Thanks for your perspective and insight, Michael.