Note: this is an informal, blog-styled post sharing personal thoughts and reflections in a non-linear and non-problem-solving way. If you want to learn more about meaning and purpose in a more structured article, see Meaning of Life VS. Purpose of Life (the Difference!).
A few weeks ago, in the LonerWolf Howl newsletter, I sent an email that got a lot of feedback from our community entitled Embracing the Death Spiral (+ One Crucial Question).ย
In this email, I spoke about the fact that we had both come down with Covid for the first time, which brought up a lot of deeper questions and reflections. As I wrote:
Spiritual Wanderer Course:
โญ๏ธโญ๏ธโญ๏ธโญ๏ธโญ "I started the Spiritual Wanderers Course a short while ago and for the first time in twelve years I have started to experience love, acceptance and compassion for myself and within myself. Thank you so much." โ Vivienne S.
And Iโll be honest: it was a lot. Things avoided inevitably came up out of the blue to be processed, mentally and emotionally. Newer unanswered questions emerged. Unexpected shifts erupted. Other than the obvious physical side to it, Covid was surprisingly psychological.
Iโm going to be expanding on a few of those reflections today.
What is the Death Spiral?
The Cambridge dictionary defines the death spiral in a pretty somber way, which Iโm not going to get into here because, in true lone wolf style, Iโve chosen to define it differently.ย
To me, on a personal level, the death spiral is an experience in life where old habits, behaviors, and identities start to crack apart and crumble. We often feel stuck in a limbo or an in-between space.
In the tradition of Tibetan Buddhism, this in-between period is known as the Bardo, which is a space where the soul resides between death and rebirth. We can also enter this Bardo many times during the course of our lives (not just when we die) according to spiritual teacher Pema Chรถdrรถn.
Signs that youโre going through a death spiral include, for example:
- Realizing that things that once worked no longer work now
- Noticing that long-established patterns are now dissolving and composting beneath you
- Feeling lost
- Feeling demotivated and low-energy
- Loss of meaning or purpose
- Being in a liminal state of not knowing โwhat next.โ
In the death spiral, the desire to grow, expand, and take up more space becomes almost painful.
I like using the term โdeath spiralโ because the way of life is indeed spiralic: it ebbs and flows.ย
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โญ๏ธโญ๏ธโญ๏ธโญ๏ธโญ "Receiving these messages is a beacon of light and hope for me in currently very challenging times. The words of wisdom speak right to my soul, guiding and encouraging me further on my path. I highly recommend Shadow & Light to everyone who seeks to develop and cultivate a relationship with the Inner Self." โ Karin
We observe life and death all around us in the seasons, in the birth and demise of animal life, in the explosion of stars and the formation of new galaxies, and in the rise and fall of the sun and moon.
ย We, too, go through death spirals; ones that are both small and large, internal and external โ and we experience this many times throughout the course of our lives.ย
My Experience With the Death Spiral Right Now
As I write this, itโs mid-November 2023, and I can say without a doubt that Iโm in a death spiral right now.ย
This isnโt the first time, and it wonโt be the last time, but the hardest part of this death spiral for me is how it demands that I take a brutally honest reflection on my own work and contribution to this world.ย
Not only that, but the death spiral asks me to find what isnโt working, what isnโt filling my cup any longer, and what I need to let go of โ which, quite frankly, feels freakinโ scary and like the house around me is collapsing.
After working so hard for many months on the Mindful Shadow Work book and Chakra Shadow Work Journal, I finally managed to cross the finish line earlier this month. I launched them to the world, and I now cross my fingers and hope people love and review them well. I believe they’re both dynamic and powerful creations.
Bam โ I completed my goal!
But then, I fell ill with Covid (literally the same week as the launch), was forced to slow down, and also faced the lack of direction and purpose that I feel deep down in my wider work but have ironically buried in the shadow through my workaholism tendencies.ย
I donโt have the full picture yet, and Iโm not at a level of complete clarity, but I learned that something is missing in my work here on lonerwolf. I discovered that I was entering a death spiral.
Donโt get me wrong, I love exploring the spiritual awakening journey, and in particular, the dark side of humanity, and I always will. Shadow work is something deeply important to me and I continue to stand by it.
But I need to expand. Lonerwolf needs to expand. I need to grow, evolve, and explore new areas.ย
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Iโve been exploring the psychological, emotional, and metaphysical aspects of the spiritual journey for over a decade now. Yes, I’ve done 10+ years of consistent hard work and effort โฆ and yet Iโm beginning to lack more and more purpose and feel increasingly stuck.
The Power of Meaning and Purpose
This crisis of feeling lost, aimless, stuck, stranded, uninspired, and empty that I’m experiencing has led to a lot of reflection and discussion with Mateo, who is experiencing similar feelings.
And these conversations have led me to realize how essential meaning and purpose are to our lives โ they are literally the bedrock on which I build a sense of fulfillment, joy, and well-being.ย
In fact, what I do here is my spiritual path. My work is my gift to this world and something I feel like Iโll be proud of on my deathbed. And it can feel damn scary when thatโs challenged.ย
Without having a strong meaning each day โ without feeling inspired, directed, and focused, I feel adrift. Feelings of being overwhelmed and impotent come up as I observe the situation of the planet and society, and I realize how powerful having a meaning is in that it gives you a sense of agency.
It makes you feel like youโre helping or creating small ripples of change โ it gives you a sense of purposeful empowerment. Because even if youโre not the savior of the planet (which no one can be), youโre still doing something.ย
One Key Reflection
As my attention has begun shifting away from the trauma-healing aspect of the spiritual journey โ which Iโve written incessantly for years and years on end โ Iโve begun thinking more about meaning and purpose.
What does it mean to have meaning and purpose? How do you find them? Why are they so important in this day and age? And why are we going through a meaning crisis as a society?
Iโm still reflecting on these questions, and if you have any insight, feel free to share it in the comments.
For those familiar with tarot, Iโm personally experiencing an eight of cups + death period:
So what Iโve decided to do is begin reading Ikigai, a well-known book that talks a lot about how to find your reason to jump out of bed in the morning.
And the one key reflection from that book that I want to share comes from death camp survivor and psychiatrist Viktor Frankl, who writes:ย
Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms โ to choose oneโs attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose oneโs own way.
This quote comes from a man who survived one of the most horrific experiences in the history of humanity โ the Holocaust. He survived it by finding a sense of meaning and purpose which was constructing his own form of psychotherapy known as logotherapy on scavenged pieces of paper in the death camp he occupied.ย
If that isnโt a damn trial by fire, I donโt know what is โ and while there are so many paths, theories, and healing movements out there these days, when push comes to shove, when shit hits the fan, they often lack the power to help us find true rootedness and sanity, in the moment.
Please reflect on the above key quote by Viktor Frankl and find what it means to you.
Last Thoughts
Iโm hanging out in a space of confusion, uncertainty, and lostness right now. Perhaps you are, too. If so, I hope you feel comforted in knowing that youโre not alone.
Meaning and purpose are essential to a life well lived, and Iโm going to continue reflecting deeply on this topic. Who knows what will come out of it?
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I cannot even believe that you wrote so eloquently of exactly where i find myself right now. No matter where we are in the adventure, we are not alone at any stage of it!
It’s amazing isn’t it? So many of us are experiencing the same feelings and deeply internal experiences. We are all so much more connected than we’re aware of. Thank you for sharing this Lynn <3
Actively engaging with the death spiral with full awareness in the midst of life is part of what the Buddhists refer to as renunciation, I believe.
Nice, thanks for sharing that Paul. I’m going to look more into this. :)
Ditto !!! Life happen’s for us !! Try to stay away form the kooliad …can to be changing . Lean into graditud helps .
Gratitude is so vital. Thanks Mark ๏ปฟ๐๏ปฟ
Thank you for your honesty and openness about your experience with a death spiral. I, too, have been experiencing for the past several years to one degree or another. I have experienced a lot of suffering in all aspects of life. As a result I have learned to be content where I am in life and patience has become much more of a virtue lol. I am still hopeful that whatโs meant to be will beโฆ.
Shadow work, death spiral, spiritual awakening, etc are all part of the journey – a journey that has humbled me and blessed me at the same time. It isnโt for the faint of heart. The end result of growth is formidable however. I wish you the best with your journey!
And I wish the same for you, Peanut. May you have all the wisdom, compassion, resilience, and peace required for the road ahead ๏ปฟ๐๏ปฟ
Well, worldwide nature is fucked up. Much too long periods of rains or droughts , crops failing, much pollution of air, land, and water. Temperatures are everywhere much too high. People are getting scared, or full of fear, and they are getting to become very touchy. In short, we all feel the coming doom, the death of our Mother Earth.
And yes, thatโs reason enough for reflect on our personal and collective death.
Yes, there is so much pain and harm inflicted on this beautiful earth. Despite the tragedies, I still carry hope that solutions can be found to some areas of crisis (and they are being discovered increasingly through AI, research, and other avenues). Without that, I would lapse into nihilism and cynicism easily.
I love reading lonerwolf it’s helped me loads in fining my self I do feel lost a lot of the time I just want my mo jo back thanks
Thanks for sharing that Leanne, I appreciate it and you <3
Ahhh, the in-between place, of do more or do less. This is a place I am learning to become friends with, on year 3 now. Learning to create a peace of mind here. To realize its not about my doing, my schedules, my work commitments. It is about BEING my mission, and living it here and now, in this space of the vast unknown of the present, just by being in this in between space. Many other people are here right now, so I believe its on a grand scale of learning how to focus on our breath and how to replenish ourselves internally, and not by what we do or how much we make an impact, but how we make an impact.
My projects range from technology, metaphysical ministry to spirituality to energy work. The range of projects spreads me thin. I do less today and spend more time on each individual task, as they, start to feel burdensome and weighted, rather than giving the excitement of building as they did.
You describe very well in the death spiral.
So question to ponder: what if the planet, our home has put us all in this in between state of the NOW energy? Those who are aware and in tune with her energy?
What if this leg of the journey is to learn how to be in the in-between as we use our energy to heal her, to detach from her old skin, the old earth, through this ascension period moving us into the age of aquarius, focusing more on our footsteps and footprints we take while on her, with more intent on being all we learned and less about doing or producing more.
I feel strongly this place in between 3D to 5D is my work and have formed a relationship with this place, I call it the waiting room. At first, 3 years ago, the discomfort was strong and I aspired to leave, it was boring, I felt I had more to do, I was frustrated by the newbies, and through my judgement I discovered my place and my work, my patience and heavenly virtues needed refined. I also realized, what if, the work is here now, to be fully in this discomfort and transmute into comfort. I cant do it all any more, and some things have to go, as we move through this very dense storm, all with ease and grace.
During this time, as if it is the last call for a few more to voluntarily enter the waiting room, to jump onboard as if we are waiting to go onto the new earth, the crystalline version, as we release the density felt from the old carbon based earth.
Its a very big deal, its not you, its not to be taken personally or lightly. Its not like in the past, where we hurry up and get through another lesson or have another “spiritual awakening” We ARE the Spiritual AWAKENING at this point in time on the planet. You own your essence of the high frequency you are and the high vibe environment you have created.
We get to walk as the work we once created, we get to be it and demonstrate it on earth, with simplicity, of solely focusing on our breathing, our foot steps, our process and practice. As if we all have entered the waiting room, and while in the waiting room, peacekeepers are necessary.
As many are still unaware of what is going on or where we are going, perhaps we see the dissonance from others too, occurring in this waiting room to a big collective event, which brings a thwarted awakening. It is here in which we get to BE the peacekeepers, get to BE and hold the high vibe and frequencies from our work, while we guide others in and through this, in a healthy way, of internal replenishment or cocooning while we are also in the “waiting room” too.
Some won’t make it, some can’t fake it and some may choose not to go. Remember, when the door opens, the road will be narrow, to the crystaline new earth. Not everyone will come with you as you walk the path, into the age of aquarius, mother earth’s next chapter.
Sending you much healing, cocooning, acceptance and self replenishment energy!
I appreciate that at least one person seems to understand what I mean as โthe middle groundโ and this was articulated very well.
All I have known to do is to just keep moving and if I misunderstand a sign or I miss something I just have to keep going and trust Iโm doing my best. Iโm used to being showed triggering things & being told I made those things happen. I learned to stop expressing myself at all and if my expression upset others I have to withdraw for a while & I just donโt think I want to try again. Iโll be kind to others but I canโt reach out anymore. Thereโs number of habits / behaviors that I canโt let go of, and one of them is checking this site. I just donโt think I can do that anymore no matter how True things are, I have to move on from the pain. I guess thatโs history now right?
Battling the judgement and the myriad of projections Iโm used to being expected to carry isnโt an easy thing to break and itโs also heartbreaking to feel like Iโm slower and dumber than everyone else because of my trauma. Maybe there will be a day when Iโm actually participating and not trailing along behind people crying quietly to myself.
Thank you for your kind & healing energy. I wish you peace and love.
Thank you for this perspective. So often I wonder what I’m not understanding when I read about various spiritual ideas – I just don’t feel like I get the concepts being offered. Happily, understanding often comes later. But this time I got the picture, so to speak. Being retired, I don’t have the usual workaday purposes. Still, I feel that there should be a reason to still be here. I agree that we are learning to live day by day with the slowly increasing frequencies of our energy bodies, to allow the balancing and integration of duality as we move into unity. We are holding that space open to help others as they go through the same things. We may talk about it with those that are ready for it – like this forum here, or we may just offer our energetic presence for others who may need it to tap into. The process can be a real mix of physical, emotional, and spiritual responses. Sometimes it’s even quite funny and delightful. :-)
Wishing everyone an evolution filled with grace and amusement.
Also, may all have a warm, meaningful and contented season of light.
Love and hugs to everyone.
That makes so much sense. Iโve been thinking about the fact that carbonโlike water and airโmakes an excellent filter. What if our purpose here on Earth, as water-filled, air-breathing, carbon-based life forms, is to absorb negative energy, transmute it and filter it out of our systems, so that we can evolve into higher, crystalline life forms? If so, and if the deadline for the transition to the new earth is fast approaching, that would explain why the filtering process is intensifying, and why so many people are currently feeling the intensifying physical and psychological effects of that process.
Okay, I just asked my husband (who is NOT. AT. ALL. a spiritual person) about this. I told him about the heaviness that so many of us in the spiritual community have been feeling in recent weeks. I asked him if he has been feeling the same thing. He thought about it for a minute and then said, โNo,โ he hasnโt been feeling anything unusual or out of the ordinary. So there you have it. I think that this must be the explanation. (Looked up at the clock as I started to write this, and it was 11:11 p.m., EST. Soโฆa little confirmation from the spiritual worlds?)
Thanks for sharing this interesting perspective, Awakening Souls. While I don’t relate much to talk of the age of aquarius, the 5d, crystalline earths, or other new age terminology like that, I do like your mention of “the waiting room.”
I do feel that waiting room energy here, now, in the flesh-and-blood reality of our animal/spirit existence. We are collectively in an in-between liminal space, a bardo, a time between worlds. It’s no wonder that zombies, super heroes, and other motifs are becoming popular in our TV shows and other creative outlets.
The old is being purged and the new is yet to come. We are experiencing this internally, and as such, it is being mirrored externally. (As within, so without, as above, so below.) There is a feeling of drifting, wandering, and being unrooted, and at times, having the ground crumble beneath us.
But I do feel that humanity, on some level, is evolving. In other areas, we are seemingly devolving as collective shadows come to the surface โ but with greater awareness comes greater possibility of change and transformation for the better.
Thanks for being here, for caring, and for sharing. โก
I’ve been feeling that way for awhile now. I understand what melancholy means and it’s not a bad thing. I’m not suicidal but I am tired of living. That’s when I realised that I lost my purpose. I don’t have a goal to reach or some direction to go. I’ve been journaling and hanging on every day, but it feels so bottomless without a light to head towards. So, I’m searching for a new purpose.
I’ve felt that wariness you’ve described too Robin, probably too many times for someone of my age. There is something healing and clarifying about journaling, and in some of my darkest times, it was one of my only anchors. Keep holding on, keep searching, after the night comes the light of dawn, and it’s just waiting over the horizon. Take comfort in knowing you’re not alone, and I’m cheering you on from the other side of the globe. ๏ปฟโค๏ปฟ
Thank you very much for this article. I was already resonating very much with your last newsletter and this time I felt like I would like to share my feelings. I feel somehow lost and in between two worlds like never before. What I noticed that in the last months I started to have less expectations on the outer world. Yesterday a thought came to my mind that I should have less expectations also on my inside world. I mean that if I feel down seemingly without any reason, I just let myself feel as it is. I think this is helping me to stay in the moment and notice impulses both from external and internal.
Yes! You’ve stumbled across a precious jewel of insight here, Agnes. In the Buddhist tradition, I believe they call this equanimity โ letting things come and go without getting too involved or full of expectations. Thank you for taking the time to share this โก
Thank you, Aletheia! I will have a closer look on this Buddhist concept.
Aletheia, interesting topic as always. But my primary focus was to send you some positivity and let you know that a lot of us understand and are dealing with the same trials. Youโre an amazing person. Donโt ever lose sight of that. I know youโll find what you need. You and Mateo have helped countless people. I count myself a tryly blessed person for having you guys come in to my life.
My Gran and Papa used to say, โin the stillness it will comeโ. I took that as; wisdom and purpose are going to come to us only when weโre properly ready to receive it.
I like this sentence a lot: “in the stillness it will come”. Thank you, Rebecca!
Beautiful, thank you for sharing this Rebecca. The other day, I received almost the identical message that you’ve shared here – how’s that for a wink from the universe!?
Thank you for your kind and gentle energy ๏ปฟ๐๏ปฟ