Note: this is an informal, blog-styled post sharing personal thoughts and reflections in a non-linear and non-problem-solving way. If you want to learn more about meaning and purpose in a more structured article, see Meaning of Life VS. Purpose of Life (the Difference!).
A few weeks ago, in the LonerWolf Howl newsletter, I sent an email that got a lot of feedback from our community entitled Embracing the Death Spiral (+ One Crucial Question).
In this email, I spoke about the fact that we had both come down with Covid for the first time, which brought up a lot of deeper questions and reflections. As I wrote:
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And I’ll be honest: it was a lot. Things avoided inevitably came up out of the blue to be processed, mentally and emotionally. Newer unanswered questions emerged. Unexpected shifts erupted. Other than the obvious physical side to it, Covid was surprisingly psychological.
I’m going to be expanding on a few of those reflections today.
What is the Death Spiral?
The Cambridge dictionary defines the death spiral in a pretty somber way, which I’m not going to get into here because, in true lone wolf style, I’ve chosen to define it differently.
To me, on a personal level, the death spiral is an experience in life where old habits, behaviors, and identities start to crack apart and crumble. We often feel stuck in a limbo or an in-between space.
In the tradition of Tibetan Buddhism, this in-between period is known as the Bardo, which is a space where the soul resides between death and rebirth. We can also enter this Bardo many times during the course of our lives (not just when we die) according to spiritual teacher Pema Chödrön.
Signs that you’re going through a death spiral include, for example:
- Realizing that things that once worked no longer work now
- Noticing that long-established patterns are now dissolving and composting beneath you
- Feeling lost
- Feeling demotivated and low-energy
- Loss of meaning or purpose
- Being in a liminal state of not knowing “what next.”
In the death spiral, the desire to grow, expand, and take up more space becomes almost painful.
I like using the term “death spiral” because the way of life is indeed spiralic: it ebbs and flows.
We observe life and death all around us in the seasons, in the birth and demise of animal life, in the explosion of stars and the formation of new galaxies, and in the rise and fall of the sun and moon.
We, too, go through death spirals; ones that are both small and large, internal and external – and we experience this many times throughout the course of our lives.
My Experience With the Death Spiral Right Now
As I write this, it’s mid-November 2023, and I can say without a doubt that I’m in a death spiral right now.
This isn’t the first time, and it won’t be the last time, but the hardest part of this death spiral for me is how it demands that I take a brutally honest reflection on my own work and contribution to this world.
Not only that, but the death spiral asks me to find what isn’t working, what isn’t filling my cup any longer, and what I need to let go of – which, quite frankly, feels freakin’ scary and like the house around me is collapsing.
After working so hard for many months on the Mindful Shadow Work book and Chakra Shadow Work Journal, I finally managed to cross the finish line earlier this month. I launched them to the world, and I now cross my fingers and hope people love and review them well. I believe they’re both dynamic and powerful creations.
Bam – I completed my goal!
But then, I fell ill with Covid (literally the same week as the launch), was forced to slow down, and also faced the lack of direction and purpose that I feel deep down in my wider work but have ironically buried in the shadow through my workaholism tendencies.
I don’t have the full picture yet, and I’m not at a level of complete clarity, but I learned that something is missing in my work here on lonerwolf. I discovered that I was entering a death spiral.
Don’t get me wrong, I love exploring the spiritual awakening journey, and in particular, the dark side of humanity, and I always will. Shadow work is something deeply important to me and I continue to stand by it.
But I need to expand. Lonerwolf needs to expand. I need to grow, evolve, and explore new areas.
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I’ve been exploring the psychological, emotional, and metaphysical aspects of the spiritual journey for over a decade now. Yes, I’ve done 10+ years of consistent hard work and effort … and yet I’m beginning to lack more and more purpose and feel increasingly stuck.
The Power of Meaning and Purpose
This crisis of feeling lost, aimless, stuck, stranded, uninspired, and empty that I’m experiencing has led to a lot of reflection and discussion with Mateo, who is experiencing similar feelings.
And these conversations have led me to realize how essential meaning and purpose are to our lives – they are literally the bedrock on which I build a sense of fulfillment, joy, and well-being.
In fact, what I do here is my spiritual path. My work is my gift to this world and something I feel like I’ll be proud of on my deathbed. And it can feel damn scary when that’s challenged.
Without having a strong meaning each day – without feeling inspired, directed, and focused, I feel adrift. Feelings of being overwhelmed and impotent come up as I observe the situation of the planet and society, and I realize how powerful having a meaning is in that it gives you a sense of agency.
It makes you feel like you’re helping or creating small ripples of change – it gives you a sense of purposeful empowerment. Because even if you’re not the savior of the planet (which no one can be), you’re still doing something.
One Key Reflection
As my attention has begun shifting away from the trauma-healing aspect of the spiritual journey – which I’ve written incessantly for years and years on end – I’ve begun thinking more about meaning and purpose.
What does it mean to have meaning and purpose? How do you find them? Why are they so important in this day and age? And why are we going through a meaning crisis as a society?
I’m still reflecting on these questions, and if you have any insight, feel free to share it in the comments.
For those familiar with tarot, I’m personally experiencing an eight of cups + death period:
So what I’ve decided to do is begin reading Ikigai, a well-known book that talks a lot about how to find your reason to jump out of bed in the morning.
And the one key reflection from that book that I want to share comes from death camp survivor and psychiatrist Viktor Frankl, who writes:
Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms – to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.
This quote comes from a man who survived one of the most horrific experiences in the history of humanity – the Holocaust. He survived it by finding a sense of meaning and purpose which was constructing his own form of psychotherapy known as logotherapy on scavenged pieces of paper in the death camp he occupied.
If that isn’t a damn trial by fire, I don’t know what is – and while there are so many paths, theories, and healing movements out there these days, when push comes to shove, when shit hits the fan, they often lack the power to help us find true rootedness and sanity, in the moment.
Please reflect on the above key quote by Viktor Frankl and find what it means to you.
Last Thoughts
I’m hanging out in a space of confusion, uncertainty, and lostness right now. Perhaps you are, too. If so, I hope you feel comforted in knowing that you’re not alone.
Meaning and purpose are essential to a life well lived, and I’m going to continue reflecting deeply on this topic. Who knows what will come out of it?
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Dear Aletheia, Thank you for sharing! Last time I wrote in a response after the death spiral article that I recognize this phase. I call it a purification process and ‘decomposition phase’ and I think the intention is to find the ‘new’ in this. Like the cycle in nature. I had a burn out 25 years ago. It took me a long time to recover. Now, in retrospect, that was also a death spiral and something new also came out of it. This year everything that no longer works has come to the surface, also because my work and more have disappeared, but the signs were there much earlier. The bottom line is that nothing I built my life with is still standing and nothing new has yet taken its place. I have decided not to do anything because for me that is feeding the old mechanism. Quite an art because I am also a seeker for answers, especially outside myself :-) Just like you, my life is only valuable if I am of significance, especially to others. I was also a workaholic, but I paid a high price for that. For me now it is mainly about embracing myself and… Read more »
Hi, I completely relate to this right now. Your work is always propitiously timed to be right where I am/need. Sharing what you do with us feels like great meaning/purpose to me, but I understand what you’re saying. I think Robert Holden does powerful and beautiful work around purpose and meaning. And Tanmeet Sethi.
I suppose meaning and purpose is something I’d expected to find on the spiritual path, but it’s more like the question of “why am I here” is no longer bothersome, though unanswered. Ikigai doesn’t mean anything to me, and any role can give me purpose, I would think, as long as I care about it. You see, the difference between wanting a purpose and caring enough to pursue it is further than you might think, and the ability to carry it out is not just a matter of power, but finding an appropriate outlet for that power. That is not to say there is no path that seems better or worse than one another in some degree. Any course that helps you survive, though you may not directly sense it benefits your root. Any course that seems appealing will benefit your sacral, the solar plexus, of the first two together, the opening of your mind, your heart (as the two are one in this sense), and so on. But if these centers are already satisfied, or whose satisfaction, with your help, can sustain any course of action, your purpose in this world is already being fulfilled as long as you… Read more »
Well, after 7 years pursuing a spiritual path with a group headed by a spiritual narcissist, I finally saw through the whole mess and was forced to leave. A lot of things I had assumed were important now are of little interest. I really had to uncouple everything and figure out what worked for ME. After two years of carrying pain I am at the acceptance that life is inherently meaningless. We make meaning of it. Free will is fairly limited and it’sa construct of our biology. We are here pretty much just to experience the ride. I am in spiritual free fall and have no idea where I will land. But not that’s ok. I live day to day, retired lifestyle, doing what gives me pleasure and leaving the rest alone. Life looks a little different now, But I only wish to see it as it is, stripped of all expectations of what it’s supposed to be. Talk about dumping other people’s second hand belief systems! And a few of my own constructs as well. But it’s working and peace has returned, even if I hesitate to call it “happiness” as such.
Hello Luna, I also want to share my view about this and my experience as well, and I really hope and pray that you may find great guidance in your sense of purpose. As for me, I can relate to the thing about losing my right sense of purpose. It’s been quite three years, and before that time, I realize that I was on a delusive path. In a nutshell, I am one of the kind of people who want to identify with a certain life purpose, which is often a superficial one. To identify with a certain purpose is to do everything for it, that’s how I wanted to feel a meaning of my life. The superficiality of that path led me into the edge of madness, since I couldn’t believe my eyes how can my ‘life purpose’ be so unreachable. What followed was a loss of motivation to do or to be anything, because before I forced myself to be workaholic. Then, after a certain time, I recalled that I was a Muslim, and that God told Humanity in the last Holy book (Quran):” I did not create Jinns (sense-hidden creatures) and humans except to worship Me. (Chapter… Read more »
HUG FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART! I totally feel you sister… I´m here for you.
Hi Aletheia, your post really resonated with me, as I experienced something a few months ago that set me back. In the midst of trying to do, do, do, I experienced what felt like a rubber band smacking me in the face, forcing me to stop and come to a deep and radical acceptance of what I needed to let go of, change, and integrate (in very new ways). It happened quite suddenly, and definitely felt like the 8 of cups & death energy you referenced, perhaps even with a bit of the tower card energy too. I had to surrender and simply flow – like a duck – and know with all my heart I was being guided to where I needed to go, even if I didn’t know where that was yet. Sometimes I feel like integrating means more doing, when in all actuality, for me at least, it means not doing. Or, undoing what I thought “doing” meant. I also feel like some of the containers we’ve been in – whether they include relationships, projects, goals, careers, jobs, beliefs, etc. – are too small now and need to expand in some way; be repotted, if you will.… Read more »
I appreciate the article. I didn’t have a name for what I am going through but glad to see I am not alone. Thanks again.
I guess the universe or God will provide your answers when your ready. I admit, it’s hard to be patient but I’ve learned to allow when it seems to be right. Appreciate how far you’ve come so far. You know all about what I’m saying but its good sometimes to here it from someone else. Have a great holiday season!
Perhaps your insistence on a specific purpose and meaning is creating the sense of dissatisfaction. Try surrender and quiet and open yourself to all possibility.