The only way you can describe how you feel is that you feel minimized. You feel crushed and smothered. You’re constantly second-guessing yourself; your feelings, your perceptions, your memories, and a small, suffocated part inside of you wonders whether you are actually going crazy.
You feel neurotic, you feel hyper-sensitive and you feel an overwhelming sense of alienation.
What is wrong with you?
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If you can identify with what I just wrote, you are most likely experiencing a sophisticated manipulation technique known as Gaslighting. This technique undermines your entire perception of reality and can slowly creep into your relationships, friendships, family life and work life.
Although you might feel crazy, although you might feel imbalanced and irrational, there is still hope.
Table of contents
What is Gaslighting?
Inspired by the 1940 and 1944 films “Gas Light,” where a husband systematically manipulates his wife in order to make her feel crazy, the term “Gaslighting” is now commonly used to describe behavior that is inherently manipulative.
Gaslighting, at its core, is a form of emotional abuse that slowly eats away at your ability to make judgments.
Essentially, a Gaslighter spins their negative, harmful or destructive words and actions in their favor, deflecting the blame for their abusive deeds and pointing the finger at you. This is often done by making you feel “overly sensitive,” “paranoid,” “mentally unstable,” “silly,” “unhinged,” and many other sensations which cause you to doubt yourself.
Commonly adopted by psychopathic, sociopathic and narcissistic types of people, Gaslighting tends to eat away at you slowly until you realize that you’re a shell of the former person you were.
3 Examples of Gaslighting
Let’s take a look at some examples of Gaslighting.
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In a family scenario: Andrew’s father is an angry, bitter man. Every day Andrew is afraid to “tip the balance” of his father’s mood because he often bursts out in fits of rage calling Andrew a “bastard” and a “worthless little loser,” among many other hurtful names. When Andrew confronts his father about this aggressive name-calling, Andrew’s father laughs and tells him “to stop being so sensitive.”
In a relationship scenario: Jade has been married for 5 years and has two small children with her husband Mike. For the past few months, Jade has been trying to establish a small art shop, but when she asks for her husband’s assistance his mood darkens: “I can’t believe you’re spending so much time on this shop—don’t you care about me—don’t you care about your kids? You’re supposed to be mothering them!” he exclaims. Jade is shocked, “But I just wanted you to help me with setting up the store! And I haven’t been neglecting anyone!” Mike comes up very close to Jade’s face: “You see! Now you’re denying it. When I married you I thought you’d be there for your family. I should just take the kids and go already!” Mike storms off. Later, when Jade sits down to talk with Mike about his threat, Mike says, “Honey, you know you were overreacting, and you know that you’ve been obsessing over this shop too much. That makes the rest of us feel very ignored and excluded, I hope you understand that.”
At work scenario: Sophie has been working in her department for the past five years when she is given a promotion to migrate to another level of the company that pays a higher salary. However, Sophie has been given a trial period to determine whether she is capable of fulfilling her duties or not. Nervously, she meets with her new supervisor, Kelly. At first, Sophie likes her supervisor and fulfills all of her tasks on time. However, her supervisor begins to ask her to do belittling chores and favors here and there with increasing frequency. While Sophie is fine with helping out, she finds that Kelly is becoming more and more demanding. Finally, as Sophie’s work piles up to an unbearable level, she tells Kelly that she needs to focus on completing her work, but she can help another time. Later, in a staff meeting, Kelly introduces Sophie to everyone and says, “Although she’s not keeping up with us yet, I’m sure she’ll learn to embody our hard-working ethics soon!” Immediately, Sophie blushes and feels publicly insulted and humiliated, fearing for the security of her new job. Later when Sophie asks her supervisor why she thinks that “she is not embodying their hard-working ethic,” her supervisor says: “I think you misunderstood me. I just said that you’re not used to our pace of work so that other people can help you out.” From then on Sophie accepts all extra demands and chores, no matter how much work she has, or how demeaning the tasks are.
How to Know Whether Someone is Gaslighting You
Gaslighting is so harmful because it promotes anxiety, depression, and with enough frequency in our lives, can sometimes trigger nervous breakdowns. So the question now it: are you being gaslighted? How can you know whether you’re experiencing this subtle form of manipulation in your life? Review the following tell-tale signs:
- Something is “off” about your friend, partner, son, daughter, mother, father, sister, brother, colleagues, boss, or other person in your life … but you can’t quite explain or pinpoint what.
- You frequently second-guess your ability to remember the details of past events leaving you psychologically powerless.
- You feel confused and disorientated.
- You feel threatened and on-edge around this person, but you don’t know why.
- You feel the need to apologize all the time for what you do or who you are.
- You never quite feel “good enough” and try to live up to the expectations and demands of others, even if they are unreasonable or harm you in some way.
- You feel like there’s something fundamentally wrong with you, e.g. you’re neurotic or are “losing it.”
- You feel like you’re constantly overreacting or are “too sensitive.”
- You feel isolated, hopeless, misunderstood and depressed.
- You find it hard to trust your own judgment, and given a choice, you choose to believe the judgment of the abuser.
- You feel scared and as though “something is terribly wrong,” but you don’t know what or why.
- You find it hard to make decisions because you distrust yourself.
- You feel as though you’re a much weaker version of yourself, and you were much more strong and confident in the past.
- You feel guilty for not feeling happy like you used to.
- You’ve become afraid of “speaking up” or expressing your emotions, so you stay silent instead.
Tactics Used by the Gaslighter
Gaslighters use a variety of subtle techniques to undermine your reality and portray you as the disturbed and messed up one. These include, for example:
- Discrediting you by making other people think that you’re crazy, irrational or unstable.
- Using a mask of confidence, assertiveness, and/or fake compassion to make you believe that you “have it all wrong.” Therefore, eventually, you begin to doubt yourself and believe their version of past events.
- Changing the subject. The gaslighter may divert the topic by asking another question, or making a statement usually directed at your thoughts, e.g. “You’re imagining things—that never happened!” “No, you’re wrong, you didn’t remember right.” “Is that another crazy idea you got from your (family member/friend)?”
- Minimizing. By trivializing how you feel and what you think, the gaslighter gains more and more power over you, e.g. “Why are you being so sensitive?” “You don’t need to get angry over a little thing like that!” “I was just joking around, why are you taking things so seriously?”
- Denial and avoidance. By refusing to acknowledge your feelings and thoughts, the gaslighter causes you to doubt yourself more and more. For example, “I don’t remember that, you must have dreamt it!” “You’re lying, I never said that.” “I don’t know what you’re talking about, you’re changing the subject.”
- Twisting and reframing. When the gaslighter confidently and subtly twists and reframes what was said or done in their favor, they can cause you to second-guess yourself—especially when paired with fake compassion, making you feel as though you are “unstable,” “irrational,” and so forth. For example, “I didn’t say that, I said _____” “I didn’t beat you up Johnny, I just gave you a smack around the head—that’s what all good fathers do.” “If you remember correctly, I was actually trying to help you.”
Why Empaths Often Get Gaslighted
An empath is a person who is highly sensitive to the energy of others. Empaths are known as energy sponges because they absorb the emotional pain around them. As a result, empaths tend to be highly self-sacrificing in an attempt to make everyone’s lives better.
When it comes to gaslighting, empaths are easy targets because they often struggle to differentiate themselves from their abusers. In other words, while they are highly intuitive and perceptive people, empaths often lack personal boundaries and struggle to say “no.” And no boundaries = perfect prey for narcissistic gaslighting techniques!
I’ve explored the issue of narcissistic gaslighting abuse in my book Awakened Empath.
If you think this might be an issue for you, it’s definitely worth checking out. This is a serious issue that can create long-term harm in your life, especially if you’re a sensitive person.
Healing the Wounds Ignited by Gaslighting
Gaslighting causes us to doubt our own memories, perceptions, and judgments, throwing us emotionally and psychologically off balance.
If you feel as though your self-esteem, confidence, and independence has withered under the flame of gaslighting you are not alone … and there certainly is hope!
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Almost all of us, including myself, have experienced one form of Gaslighting or another throughout life.
The problems arise when Gaslighting is a frequent shadow that trails behind our relationships and partnerships.
The good news is that knowledge and awareness is the first step to healing your life and rebuilding the strong, perceptive person you are … and you have already taken it!
While it is true that in some situations we genuinely might be overreacting, or might genuinely be exhibiting irrational behavior, it is also important for you to listen to your instinct or intuition.
Do you have a heavy feeling in the pit of your stomach? Do you feel weighed down and oppressed? Do you feel depressed? These are signs that you have unconsciously picked up on deception and “foul play.”
While we can consciously be fooled, unconsciously we can’t, and often we will have a lingering feeling that “something just isn’t right.” Make sure that you listen to this feeling and seek help, either professionally or socially (i.e. a trusted group of friends or a support network).
In summary, here are some ways to support yourself in the face of gaslighting:
- Firstly clarify to yourself how, when and who is gaslighting you. Think about what ways they make you feel unhinged and like you’re losing it. Write down whatever you can think of. You must be able to confirm that you’re being gaslighted before you can move on with your life.
- Pay attention to the signs of being gaslighted, like feeling confused, belittled, “crazy” or manipulated. Take a deep breath, clear your mind, and center yourself. Set aside regular time for grounding each day through meditation or a mindfulness exercise. These techniques will help you to stay objective even in difficult circumstances.
- Decide whether it’s worth continuing your friendship or relationship. If you’re in a working relationship, think about whether it’s worth staying in your job or not. If you want to stay, think about ways to minimize interaction with the gaslighter until you feel grounded and confident.
- Talk to trusted friends or loved ones about your problem. Alternatively, seek help from a mentor or therapist who can help you do some shadow work.
- Shift your perspective from being a victim to being a warrior/winner or whatever word feels the most empowering. You don’t have to remain a victim for the rest of your life, and by reclaiming your personal power, you’ll also be able to help others in similar circumstances.
- Read my emotional abuse article to deepen your understanding of this topic.
I hope these actions can help you regain a sense of personal clarity, confidence, and empowerment once again as you recover from the gaslighter’s mind games.
***
If you have left a relationship in which you were being gaslighted, and are being targeted by a narcissist in your life again, check out my article on “hoovering” which is another twisted emotional manipulation technique.
Are you experiencing Gaslighting? Do you know someone else who is? Do you have any recommendations that would help others? Please share below.
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I think, while it’s good to warn others about the possibility of a consciously abusive behavior, one must be careful to judge all too quickly, when events like the ones mentioned above are taking place. In my experience, one cannot necessarily assume that every behavior with these characteristics is actually >meant< to be manipulative or "gaslighting". Sometimes, it just seems like that but is nothing more but a misunderstanding of what's really going on between ppl or within their heads and hearts and what kind of roots or which root(s) in general it has/had. There is not an ultimate solution like simply "get rid of ppl acting like this or that" – this could aswell lead to completely gratuitous seperation where none would be really needed. And that would be a real pity. This article might lack a focus on the advice to take things more deeply into consideration before judging sth. or sb. But besides that, as already mentioned, I assume that of course what you write is, as always, meant in the best intentions and there surely are a lot of ppl. being abused and in need of the advice, that it probably would be the best for them, to abandon those, who possibly are really only hurting and not having any interest in the well being of a relationship or others. But instead of hating them, it's most likely healthier for one's psyche, to try to simply let them (and the hurting events) go, with some compassion, if possible, for they are (or will very soon be) with certainty taking some hard lessons there aswell. Anyways, thank you for your really good work and for your commitment to help others. The world needs ppl as you! :) Especially in such hard times as these we are currently experiencing…
Yes, very true Andreas. As I mentioned in the article, not every gaslighter is aware that they are gaslighting (often this type of behavior is unconscious!). It is always important to pay attention to how often you feel doubtful of yourself or question your sanity, as this is often revealing of manipulative behavior. But then, on the other hand, it could also be revealing of low self-esteem, guilt, and so forth. So it really depends on your context and experience. Thanks for the input!
But Aletheia. Isn’t the wording someone like Andreas uses, exactly the sort of attempted deflection and attempts a “gaslighter” might use?
*Note, I am not accusing Andreas of being a gaslighter…just saying.
I spent 14 years with my first husband – the gas lighter. He spent almost every moment with me playing mind games – by saying something mean than immediately denying that he said anything. Or he would say mean things to me and then try to get me in bed like it turned him on to be mean. He did it all for fun! When I took a shower in the morning he would poke his head in at me and tell me I was crazy. He thought he was a god and his job was to be a judge and decide if everything I said was right or wrong. If I asked him a question – he would always answer with a retaliation of how I was the cause of every trouble he had to endure and he would never answer a simple question. He was a mental health professional – counselor and administrator. He became the Director of Mental Health for the state’s prisons. He became “successful”. I didn’t. I’ve been poor my entire life. Even though I’m actually very intelligent. My very low self confidence is what was the real demon. By the time I left him, I felt relieved. I didn’t fight for anything. It felt so good not to have a burden on my back every minute of the day. Of course I was the bad guy. The sad part is it eventually all caught up with me and I did go a little crazy. But I’m not ashamed up my simple life. It suits me. There is nothing in me that believes that he didn’t know exactly what he was doing the whole time.
Wow, a mental health professional “gaslighter” — just goes to show that literally ANYONE in ANY position in life can be one, or be the recipient of one. I’m so happy that you have come out of these dark times though Deb. Be proud of yourself for wanting to build a life that fulfills you. <3
Actually, Gaslighters are MORE likelty to be in positions of power, since it gives them a means to Gaslight victims; and they can typically be found in the potions of the greatest power over the most vulnerable individuals, such as teachers, government officials, and health-professionals– and I cannot imagine a position of more power over vulnerable indviduals for a Gaslighter, than the mental health director of a state prison.
I certainly hope she speaks up about him, and snuff out that Gaslight permanently, since he is completely unfit for that, and stands to destroy a good many lives by Gaslighting abuses against them.
Hi Deb, I know how you feel I was married to a similar person for over 21 years. I took the lead and removed myself, but coped a lot of abuse from others as they only saw what he wanted them to see. He micro-managed what he did to me, It took years and years for his abuse to build to the point that I knew he was killing me. I told him so the night I walked. He received all the sympathy under the sun, whilst I was shunned and put down. How could I possibly walk out on such a perfect man? The things he said and did to make me look like the bad guy while he come out smelling like a rose. I don’t care I am free and he kids himself telling everyone that I wanted him back. The first night he was finally gone from the house, for good and I could sleep in my own bed, I slept like a log. I felt free from the abuse and slowly rebuilt my life. I don’t care if I have to eat baked beans on toast whilst he lives the high life, I am free and there is nothing more liberating than living your own life, free from put downs and made to feel less than.
Hi Kesa
Thank you for sharing, it reminds me of a saying in the bible, that man is better to live a simple life filled with love than one with many material things but no love. You can have the most expensive champagne and be miserable
“How could I possibly walk out on such a perfect man?”
Aka Dr. Jekyll.
Kesa, you have to realize that Gaslighters are EXPERTS at hiding their abuse, making themselves look like saints compared to their victims, who they claim are the abusers; they learn to do this, otherwise they wouldn’t get away with it for long.
Since learning of “Gaslighting” last night, I have come to realize my reflections of my abusers being “nice some of the time,” were simply GASLIGHTS to deny the overall pattern of abuse– which could erupt into a full-blown attack on me at any time; and in my condition from a lifetime of prior gaslighting, I was helpless to stand up against, due to fear of FURTHER Gaslighting, as well as fear of further hostility, and otherwise jus tkeep it to myself– which iswhat the Gaslighters WANT, since it’s their way of suppressing you.
Now to this day I get endless memoriesand re-enactments of the incidents, and wanting to take revenge on the Gaslighters.
Oh my gosh. My husband does this to me constantly. He calls me a “bitch” and then says he never said it. He says other things and then says he didn’t. He even tried this on my 18 year old son and I was so glad that I had a witness who could tell me I wasn’t crazy!!!!
My sister went through this with her husband. I could see what he was doing and I warned my sister. She would not have any of it from me. He slowly ground her down and I could see it.
Eventually she broke. She found He was having an affair with a patient he was treating and blamed her for it. She would have took him back. He tried to destroy her. I think he would have destroyed her if I was not watching her. He is a serial narcissist. He knows if he comes near her now he will regret it. I won’t have any of it and know his game.
“having an affair with a patient he was treating” fits the mold of those who are drawn to positions of power like health-professionals.
She should turn him in for ethics viiolations, and so supported her case that he’s a Gaslighter.
LEAVE HIM.
NOW.
It WILL happen again. Gaslighting is the worst form of domestic abuse– which not only claims might not happen again if the victim just plays their cards right– but Gasighting claims IT NEVER HAPPENED, EVER!!!
So it’s just one of those things: leave him now, or leave him later– and sadder.
Clearly he became the Director of Mental Health for the state’s prisons, in order to engage in Gaslighting against the prisoners, because of the power that this position offers to engage in Gaslighting, and Political Abuse of Psychiatry. Abusers naturally seek positions of power which will enable them to abuse persons with impunity.
You really should speak up, becase your ex-husband is completely unfit to be anywhere NEAR people in that vulnerable position, which he deliberately sought in order to abuse it, and gaslight prisoners.
My own experience with such abuse by professionals, came from the initial Gaslight of being forced into a state children’s hospital, for truancy, where they simply engaged in non-stop Gaslighting to claim that my very reaction to IMPRISONMENT and being stripped of rights and dignity, as well as contiued abuse by others there, was “proof that I NEEDED to be there” etc; literally everything was Gaslit as a self-fulfiling prophecy, to make be beleive that all prior abuse was “my mental problems” for which I “needed help,” even telling me that my fear of abuse by other inpatients (even that which went on in plain sight of staff), was NOTHING that any rational person would care about.
And after I finally did get out, the Gaslighting continued– including by my school (which I desperately wented to get into, to avoid being sent away to a boarding-school) with the headmaster telling me about my “problem with anger” (when in fact, I had left because of nonstop ABUSE by other students).
So I have no shortage of familiarity with Gaslighters seeking positions of power, in order to facilitate their Gaslighting of vulnerable persons such as prisoners, mental patients or students (especially children at prestigious schools, who fear for their futures if they should dissent, and are promised much if they obey– and are blamed for their failures).
PLEASE speak up to the media or other non-government groups, and expose this person from continuing to prey on others, as he did you.
I experienced this for years and there is only one cure that worked for me,….get away from that person….it took a long time ..years for me to get back to being my normal self…and I no longer tolerate this type of behavior towards me from ANYONE! These types of people need to be dealt with in an instant and nipped in the bud!! :)
RUN FOR THE HILLS! Yes … that is often the best solution! Sometimes we are so knee-deep in gaslighting that is the only real solution.
I am experiencing this right now due to my BPD/ NPD daughter-in-law. After enduring 4 years of disrespect, emotional abuse & manipulation, and trying to please her to no avail, I finally tried to let her know how I felt. Wow! Not only did she deny everything she ever said or did to me, she blocked me on FB, has turned my son against me through lies, and has ended any relationship with me. The sad part is there are 2 baby grandsons here that I stand to lose. Putting a name on this is helpful.
It is helpful to get closure … and I’m happy this article could provide that for you, at least, Marie. This is sad to hear, but hopefully your wounds can heal as you realize that you can never change the way she is — that is only in her power. My heart goes out to you. <3
I’m sorry, but you will never find or get closure from these narcissistic people. The only “closure” you’re ever going to find is keeping away from them.
I had disaster of a daughter in law also. She had sole custody of my grandson who she abused emotionally and physically. She was also married to her second husband who was a cop. I was told by a multitude of people that if I tried to get my grandson out it wouldn’t work because the cops were so entwined with child services,etc. So for 8 long years I played along. However, I KNEW what she was up to, so it was worth it to have my grandson every chance I got. My son is just as bad. My grandson is now 15 and here for the weekend. We have a great time together and he talks to me about everything. I think he’ll be OK now. It has been an awful period, but worth it for him. I had to just let their games slide off and carry on.
I currently live with a gas lighter. People, I never had the urge to murder someone up until now. This is insane! I am currently trying to earn some cash so that I can move away and stay away. I am glad I discovered this article, since it gave me a name to call “this”; that person is a dangerous psychopath. Then again I do not seek revenge, I will let Spiritual Law take care of him. My alternative is living in a house with no plumbing, lights or kitchen, and it sounds like heaven in comparison to losing my mind and soul because of some psychopath. Just a few more days now… I will enjoy reading books in the candle light, alone with my sanity :D
Yea I’m doin that glad I’m not alone :)
Awareness and knowledge are the two keys to recovering your life. Best wishes Yixal!
Absolutely, before yesterday I didn’t even know the term “Gaslighting” exists, but it perfectly describes my entire life of abuse, denial and victim-blaming.
And anyway, telling someone they’re “too sensitive” is like saying “you shouldn’t be allergic to this drug, take it anyway.”
Once you know what you are allergic to seeing symptoms tell us to avoid. No judgement just think the metaphor doesn’t fit.
It looks scary to leave and land in a situation of poverty… until you realize, there are things worse than death. I left in May.
I am in exactly that position. It’s frieghtening. It’s almost terrifying. I am 61 and retired. No family, no friends, nobody to call. No money, nothing. If I leave, my only place to go is the streets. How are you fairing?
Exactly, there’s no support for the disabled– even if it was due to Gaslighting enabled by the government.
Move to Croatia. You can buy a comfortable apartment for 20-30K€ or you can rent an apartment for 200€. Living expenses without rent are 500 – 1000€. The country is safe, has a good and free healthcare (ranked 24th in the world), majority of young people speak English, other European capitols are near, crime is very low, climate is warm on the coast and mild in the continental part, capitol Zagreb has everything a modern citizen needs plus a lot of cultural events throughout the whole year, you can make good friends very easily.
The most serious tragedy is when the victim becomes emotionally dependent on an abuser, as with a child of a parent.
I was ready to commit suicide over my gaslighter, simply to have some dignity.
And please, nobody tell me that I shouldn’t have; i had no way to leave, and the abuse was denied.
Thank you for this article :)
It always gives me hope when I read something like this. People can be so cruel and it can actually hurt your soul to feel like you are being manipulated by vicious people whose only aim is to make you feel less than you are.
I am trying to recover from my scars…. Although, now that I recognize/sense this in certain people, I make sure to steer clear of them.
This term “gaslighting” correlates very similarly to another form of emotional abuse which I read about called “mobbing.”
The “pack leader” assembles a group and targets an individual-usually the outcast or free-thinker and begins attacking them with words and/or actions. Little by little, the individual’s self-esteem crumbles away and they no longer feel they are good enough for the job. I have witnessed this in others and myself.
I think the most important thing to do in these situations is separate yourself from these toxic people/environment if you absolutely have no other choice. As an empath, being in a toxic environment with negative vibes is harmful to my entire being and I will no longer tolerate it. If the environment you are in is too taxing, it is better to move on and find a place with good/better energy than where you were before.
I have not heard of that psychological term Marie, although I have experienced and observed it before. I think you’re right: leaving and removing yourself from such an environment is really important. There really are very few ways of dealing with gaslighting — although if you’re in a relationship it can sometimes be healed with couples therapy.
What I’ve realized is that many gaslighters don’t actually consciously set out to make you feel crazy, rather, their behavior is a side product of insecurities or personality issues (e.g. narcissism).
Thank you for reading and leaving a comment here ;).
OMG, you said it…”the free thinker”. That’s exactly who I was/am from a young age and my mother did everything to keep me down even taking my other sisters and friends aside to tell them I’m crazy and have emotional problems…all because I would watch my mom lie and manipulate people and called her out on it. I lost respect for her early on and that killed her. She made sure nobody would have any respect or trust me from that point on…then I started believing it myself until recently….40 years later. Whew, that was a close one!
Never knew there was a name for this. Its exactly what I’ve been dealing with and still do to some extent. Had a fair share of this in my life, trying to recover and put myself back. Do you think these people can change for the better under the right circumstances or with good intentions?
Yes, I think so Giedre — but sometimes, not always. Gaslighting is often done unconsciously, not consciously, so it’s usually not something deliberate.
Thank you for this article, it has brought up a lot of feelings inside. I thought my relationship with my husband was improving from this point, but reading this I realise it has only become more subtle than it used to. Partly due to me growing up spiritually and him realising he can’t so boldly do this. But the fact is he is still doing, not so obvious, only creeps up when I don’t act as he expects me to.
I know it’s probably not deliberate as I noticed him being this way with his family as well – sister, mother.. I know deep inside he has good intentions and that what makes it difficult for me to make a decision.
I see that this was posted a year ago. Your story sounds similar to mine. I’ve got 17 year and 8 beautiful kids and a self-righteous narcissistic gas-lighting husband. I want him to be well and happy. I want our marriage to be successful, really mostly for our kids but also for me. I’m planning to take the kids to stay near my family for the summer but even that is a huge effort. It’s such a major first step that’s going to make some people very sad.
Giedre, I could have wrote your post word for word, my situation is exactly the same as yours. I have five year old twins and it’s difficult shielding them from our relationship conflicts. Thank you so much for your post.
I know, right? I feel the same way. Until now, I couldn’t put it into words what was happening to me. Flipped me out…
I would say gaslighting is common practice in our society, especially towards women. How many times do we hear about the crazy girl? I’ve learned that entire groups can be rife with this behavior. If it doesn’t feel right, I’m out.
Precisely Jessica, it is! Women are constantly portrayed as being “unhinged” and “hysterical” — particularly mothers and older women. It’s no wonder that women constitute the main percentage of sufferers!
You don’t know that. In fact I would say even the assumption that men generally don’t like taking about their feelings is a form of gaslighting from the p.o.v of a clingy gf. Point is, both genders suffer from it. No need to make some mental health issues seem uniquely female, because it hurts male like me, who are constantly made to feel inadequate, even more!
it can be both, from both sexes perspective. she didn’t say anything different than what her experience tells her is true.
Experience does not verify truth that is anecdotal, and exactly what causes bigotry and false oppinions
I highly agree by saying it is more often females that in itself is a form of gaslighting playing the victim and mimimizing the terrible hurt that many women cause men but are to self centered to see!! Its not a gender issue its a people issue take responsibility for your own actions, dont point the finger. Thats 90% of the problem and perpetuates it. I find when living with a gaslighter its very easy to fall into that same behavior yourself be carefull toncheck yourself as the problem is very rarly one sided and men are hurt just as much as women every sitcom tells us we are usless every femanist tells us we should not be proud to be men. Just like with women there is an unrealistic expectation and women just as much as men perpetuate this build your partner up dont tare them down andndont mimimize the pain of others
I disagree since Men has a higher percentage of narcissism and sociopathy.
Only as diagnosed, but Gaslighting is all about HIDING such conditions. So in reality there might be more female narcissists and psychopaths, who are simply undiagnosed as Gaslighters.
Male psychopaths tend to be visible from their careers, but female ones can hide it better BY gaslighting.
For example there’s little doubt that Hillary Clinton is psychopathic if not psychotic, but her extreme Gaslighting behavior (ala “The Vast Right-wing Conspiracy–” followed by her Gaslit “breakdown” on “learning of Bill’s affair”) has kept the media-hounds off her trail for this long, to the point of her being the party-candidate for the US presidency.
Bill, meanwhile, coudln’t get elected street-cleaner.
My own experience with female Gaslighters, is that they are FAR more ruthless and deceptive than male ones, being absolutely RUTHLESS in blaming the victim.
Agreed, female Gaslighters are more prone to using subjective reasoning and emotional persuation to support their narrative, while men are typically drawn more to positions of authority where there’s more visibility and clear evidence.
For this reason, my mother, who was an MSW, was able to get away with Gaslighting far longer than my father, who was a psychiatrist.
I’m male, and I got the full routine from someone for 2.5 years. I think the best description was, “If someone seems OFF.” I noticed it on the first date, but dismissed it. She was still doing her compassionate act. That wore off and ended up in a bleeping nightmare scenario.
This is because female Gaslights literally have no idea that they’re Gaslighting, they are so ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN that they are right and you are iNSANE, with your mere disagreement being PROOF in their book
Men, meanwhile, will at least pretend to put up an argument; but wiomen-Gaslighters will be ordering your commitment-papers at the drop of a hat.
For this reason, I will NEVER work with a female health-worker again.
women are the biggest gaslighters
Good article…
Gaslighting is so insidious! I have spent most of my life with narcissists/sociopaths (three family members) and relationships) and it really makes you feel crazy and an empty shell of a person. I left my last narcissist of 11 years and leaving saved my life. I now keep my narcissist sister/mother out of my life and have learned everything that is out there about traits and manipulations of these type of people. I recognize them pretty quickly now. I’m an empath and was obviously, frequently, targeted. Unfortunately, it has caused trust issues for me, but I’m working on it. I’m much more authentic and healthy now and I’m okay with being single. It’s been almost four years now and have found peace in life. I will never give that up again. By the way, therapy, books, following a life couch and having compassion and kindness for myself have made me so much stronger!
Teresa, thank you for sharing with us your journey out of “the darkness.” Developing faith and trust in your judgement also helps a LOT (in my experience!) and prevents gaslighting from happening in the future. Although it is always good to create balance as often being too sure in ourselves wreaks havoc in our lives as well. Thank you for the recommendations!
Your post is encouraging to me. Thank you. My family and all my relationships have been with gaslighters too. I gotta find my way out if this, and your statement about therapy reminds me I need to seriously pursue that. I am very empathic too. Anyway, thanks, and stay strong for yourself.
Your welcome elke.
My son tries that all the time. it started when I moved here 10 years ago. For a while I thought I was losing it. HOWEVER, I then started taping our conversations and taking notes on times, places, etc. Once i was sure it wasn’t me, I changed our dynamic. Almost everything is in emails or FB posts. If he tries to tell me something is wrong, I just send him a copy of our communication. It’s sad, but it works.
Recording conversations is a really good suggestion Laurie … thank you so much for sharing this!
Aletheia
I have a problem relationship with my mother & my sister. Because I have a brain injury, because they have different morals than me, they have lied to my face. I have seen a more extreme version of this gaslighting than perhaps others have. I havealso seen them embarrassed at being caught telling silly lies, then turn hostile. I have made futile efforts to say to them that the not truth is not necessary & we can talk reasonably & make & maintain shared arrangements that make sense or else drop these shared arrangements. But not so much, ha lately!!
I stopped some of this with this question said without anger or resentment or irritation:
“Does that make sense, [recap] you said …, I said …, then you asked…, & I answered …, & now you say I am being rude, does that that you just said make sense to you? ”
The usual response is to drop the subject. Then this issue or subject comes up again 3 1/2 days later or 3 1/2 weeks later.
My family have lines they will not cross, ha not moral ones, but they go not wish to be embarrassed. They are not embarrassed by their doing it only having it known. I let it be known to both of them that I felt no social or moral need to hide their bad behaviour. If asked, I was not gonna lie to hide what they felt OK doing. I do not hide my own errors or sins so why would I hide theirs especially if I had to lie or conceal or fudge facts to hide theirs. Their behaviour has been better.
I have lately said flatly with no emotion “I go not Even know how to respond to that.”
This is my sister that I taught her counting & colours & my mother who taught me much of what I accept as my moral code. Except maybe it is not really them but aliens from space impersonating them . Ha ha
Please respond with a useful or amusing reply.
in any situation dear, you can: 1) change it. 2) accept it. 3) leave it.
so here, you can try and change it, but if thats not possible you have to accept it till you can leave the situation, if you cant leave it now. whatever you do, i think its best if you try and engage with that drama as little as possible. all the best x
Except do they KNOW you are recording them? I came from a family of lawyers and I’m told it’s illegal to record them without their knowledge. I threatened to do that with my mother several years ago and she just got nasty about it. Hateful even. Sorry, people DO set out to hurt you or make you feel crazy. It’s what they WANT.
I started doing the same thing! Eventually I slowly caught on with my ex and began taking screenshots of our conversations, then sending them to him later on in other arguments. It’s amazing how well it works. I’m glad I’m not the only one. I started to feel a little crazy for feeling the need to find scraps of evidence.
This is awesome Natasha. I am so happy you said it. I am still with my gaslighter and trying to make it work. Luckily I happened upon a lot of information before he was able to really take over and now I am able to actually just observe him without being destroyed by his methods. I wanted to share that I have shown him screenshots of conversations, and even THAT is met with new explanations on why the conversation occurred the way it did. Like I said, recognizing the gaslighting, and being able to just observe it up close and personal, is a whole new world. Watching a person convince themselves of the details of the reality they are trying to sell you is sort of magnificent and sad at the same time.
I am so glad you realized this about your son. Usually parents don’t want it to be true that their cute babies turned into abusers and it doesn’t help their children. My parents don’t want it to be true and blame themselves telling me I was the contrary of what every sane mental health worker would say I am. Everyone else keeps quiet about it. I am only learning about it through the internet. I am 20 f-ing 7 and I wish I had been held accountable like 8 years before when my BPD traits started to show. I’m trying to change but I feel like I never learned what limits others have.
Better late than never, I suppose. Being a parent is no bowl of cherries and NO child is perfect. Nor is any parent. Have you actually been diagnosed BPD or have you come to this realization via the internet alone? If so, the next step is to get some sort of professional help. This may not be easy. You’ll need to find the right person. In my experience it’s seldom the first person you talk to. You may also need to tweak any meds you may be given. However, crazy tho it may sound, count your blessings that you have a name for the problem… and parents who apparently care. The sooner you can forgive them for not being perfect, the better it will be for all of you. Learning limits is crucial. Also figuring out what your “triggers” are is helpful. Just trying to quietly observe others should be helpful. Compare their reactions to your reactions in a similar situation. If theirs make sense, try to do the same. Do NOT expect perfection from yourself… or others. We ALL have quirks and no one is flawless. Be gentle with yourself and others as much as possible. Hugs and Namaste.
I had to raise two Reactive Attachment Disordered school-aged girls, when my husband wouldn’t support me that my own PTSD meant that it wasn’t going to work. I was crucified by the system.
actually its usually the parents that abuse the children, not the other way around, u dn’t hear so much of children kicking, scratchingm raping and cutting their parents’ vagina, but parents do this everyday.SO OF COURSE THE CHILD WILL END UP WITH A DISORDER, ANYONE WOULD,once , for years and years and years all the way to adulthood the child has been beaten, scratched, raped, had her vagina cut or his dick cut, WHAT THE FUCK DO U EXPECT THE CHILD TO BE ?
that’s a good point, probably I didn’t think about it, because I wasn’t abused.
But even if, having been abused doesn’t give you an an excuse to abuse others.
I don’t now what I expect others to be, but a look an the DSM can show you what humans are NOT supposed to be. (e.g. impulsive, passive-agressive, negative, not open for criticism, black and white thinking, egoistical.)
My children are constantly gas lighting me. They know fully well and enjoy what they are doing because their evil family joined The Cult The Jesus People , sometimes use another name. Its just plain evil. Hope one day they will pay the price. WHAT GOES AROUND COMES AROUND. P.S. Its best to ignore them, after all they are CRAZY
Hi! Please, don’t call yourself victim… that tends to be a self fulfilling thing. Don’t let them define you and don’t waste your energy on wishing evil on them. I’ve found that the best “revenge” is to be happy… drives them nuts, but also makes your life so much better. Hang in there, know you aren’t alone and do what makes YOU happy. Namaste.
I am in the opposite situation, wherein my mother is becoming a masterclass in gaslighting. I don’t know how much more I can handle of her attitude, yet I have absolutely nowhere to go and very, very little cash. It’s a hopeless situation and feeling. Worse is that she seems completely oblivious to herself and what she does, and if brought up to try and discuss the issue she laughs in my face and then goes into rages and acts as if I am the one being “emotionally unstable.”
The only reality you can control is your own. Distance yourself as much as possible. Don’t engage. Think about WHY you are trapped there with no money. Why choices can YOU make to improve things? Figure out what it will take to change your situation… then DO IT.