Your heart sinks as you read the text, “I’m not in a great place right now. I need you. Please help.”
It’s been over a year now. You’ve cut off all ties and contact with your ex, and you’ve finally gained some semblance of mental health. But this … this random text throws you completely off. As you quickly type the message with shaking fingers “What do you need help with?” and click send, your stomach drops. There is a dark feeling in the pit of your chest. It’s the ominous and foreboding feeling you sometimes get before thunderstorms and tragic news. Deep down, you know that you’ve made the wrong choice.
You’ve just been hoovered.
If you can relate to what I’ve just written, you’re likely experiencing a dangerously abusive manipulation technique known as hoovering. Hoovering is a technique that drags you into cycles of abuse, disrupting your entire life and those around oyu. In this article, you’ll learn how to prevent this abusive manipulation from fooling you.
What is Hoovering?
Hoovering is an abuse tactic frequently used by people who struggle with narcissistic, borderline, antisocial, and histrionic personality disorders. Named after the Hoover vacuum cleaner, hoovering is basically a way of “sucking” a person back into an abusive relationship. Hoovering is typically done after a long period of no contact between the victim and the abuser. In an attempt to regain control over their victims, hoovering abusers will use manipulation tactics that target their victim’s soft spots and emotional vulnerabilities. If they are successful, the hoovering abuser will use their victim until they are bored of them and discard of them once again.
3 Toxic Examples of Hoovering
Let’s take a look at what hoovering looks and feels like:
Scenario 1: Amanda broke up with Steven six months ago and has severed all contact. But one day, out of the blue, she receives a contact request on Facebook from Steven apologizing for all of his abusive behavior and that he wants to be given a second chance because he’s still “in love” with her. Amanda’s heart beats quickly as she writes a response, truly believing that Steven has “changed.”
Scenario 2: Ben managed to escape an emotionally abusive relationship with his partner Robert almost two years ago. When he arrive home, he finds a lavish array of flowers on his doorstep with a note that says “Happy Valentine’s Day!” and a phone number from Robert. Ben starts remembering how much affection Robert used to show him at the start of their relationship. Feeling lonely, Ben convinces himself that Robert must have matured past his paranoid and hateful behavior, and gives him a call.
Scenario 3: Ingrid has just left Scott out of a desperate attempt to regain control of her life. After managing to find solace for a few days from his gaslighting, infidelity, and outbursts of rage, he begins appearing on her doorstep. “You’re the only one I ever loved Ingrid,” Scott whines, “I want to marry you, I only ever wanted to be with you. You’re the love of my life, my soulmate.” After experiencing this behavior for a couple of weeks, Ingrid finally snaps, and rips open the door, “Get out of my fucking life!” she screams and starts to cry. Scott pulls her into a hug and she sobs on his shoulder.
Why Do Narcissists Hoover?
What’s the point of hoovering? To regain a sense of control over you. Narcissists begin hoovering when they want something from you such as attention, validation, money or sex. But the deepest reason why narcissists hoover is because they are completely internally empty. They have a pathological fear of feeling insignificant, unlovable, alone or worthless, so they do whatever they can to fill this empty void and sustain their false self-image.
Narcissists are fundamentally addicted to the attention of others. Without attention and control, they starve. When their reservoirs of narcissistic supply run out, they seek to prey off the old “meat” they managed to catch in the past – and that means you. This also means that they usually have many “backups” (e.g. other exes) to feed off when they begin to feel hungry again.
Like predators, a narcissist knows how to manipulate the weaknesses of those they have preyed on before. They will try to entice you through random texts, apologies, declarations of undying love, and “repentant” gestures which try to convince you how much they have “changed” and “care” for you.
The truth is that narcissists couldn’t care less about you, and their attempts to win your trust are all fabrications that are part of their sick game. Because of their severe soul loss and inability to show any form of empathy, a narcissist will say any lie and go to any extent to get you back under their control.
8 Creepy Forms of Hoovering
Let’s take a look at some of the creepiest and most common forms of hoovering below. Please note that many of these signs are common among relationships that have just ended. So if you’re still being pursued by your ex, this might not necessarily mean that you’re being hoovered or that they have dark intentions. Hoovering is a pathological and manipulative form of behavior that is intended to suck you back into another cycle of abuse. When reading these signs, please be honest about your relationship and ex-partner.
1. Pretending that your relationship isn’t over
They will ignore your requests to cut off contact, continue sending you the same messages, will show up at your house, job, etc. They’ll continue harassing you as if nothing has changed at all.
2. Sending unsolicited gifts
In an attempt to get you back, they will send you lavish and unexpected gifts such as flowers, cards, tickets to movies and concerts, cakes, you name it.
3. “Apologizing” for their behavior
To try and engage you, the narcissist will appear to “own up” to their mistakes and will feign humility and remorse in an attempt to pull at your heartstrings. Their messages or words will sound very convincing, so be careful.
4. Indirect manipulation
If they can’t get through to you directly, they will go a different route: your friends, children or other family members. For example, they might try to send you messages through your friends or say something slanderous about you to your family which you’ll then feel the need to correct. When you’ve been hooked, you’ll be lured into confronting them about their lies.
The narcissist may even try to use your children against you. For instance, if your ex has custody of your children, he/she might put the child on the phone asking you to come back home or get them to write letters to you. This is a powerful and highly manipulative hoovering technique.
5. Declaring love
Declaring undying love is perhaps the most common hoovering technique out there. Because love is such a powerful emotion, narcissists will not hesitate to use it to lure you back into their clutches. They will say things such as, “You’re my soulmate,” “We were made for each other,” “You’re the only person I’ve ever loved,” to tempt you into contact again. Do NOT fall for these tricks.
6. Sending random messages to you and “ghost” phone calls
If you’re being hoovered, you’ll likely receive random messages from the narcissist asking for and commenting on different things. Expect text messages such as “Please wish (so-and-so) a happy anniversary from me,” “Did you take my (personal item)?” “Are you going to (so-and-so’s) dinner tonight?” “I’m standing in the place we first met. Thinking of you,” and so forth.
The narcissist may even send you “accidental” messages with the intention of putting a knife in your heart such as, “I love you honey, I’ll be home at 6” to their new partner with the intention of inciting a response from you.
Another creepy tactic is receiving ghost phone calls. For example, you might receive frequent phone calls from private numbers and receive long silences or soft breathing on the other end. This tactic is used to freak you out and get you to engage.
7. Faking vulnerability and the need for “help”
The narcissist will go to any extent to get your attention and sympathy. Faking the need for help is such a powerful hoovering technique because it preys on our natural tendency to show compassion to others. The narcissist might send you messages and leave you voice mails telling you that they’re sick, they need your help, they’re desperately in trouble and need you to call them back, or even that they’re going to kill themselves. I’ve heard of narcissists that have gone as far as faking serious illnesses like cancer and heart attacks, just to prey on others and reel them into abusive cycles again. (Note: if you think someone is going to kill themselves, please call your local police services.)
8. Baiting you with drama
If all other hoovering techniques fail, the narcissist will try baiting you with drama. They will send you melodramatic messages, create havoc in your social life through spreading rumors, use your children as an excuse to express rage and hissy fits, and put on scenes with the intention of provoking reactions from you.
How to Stop Being a Victim of Hoovering Narcissists
Firstly, it’s important to understand that hoovering is designed to trick you by playing on your emotional vulnerabilities. A narcissist knows very well how to manipulate you, and they will disguise their contact as an attempt to seek reconciliation, forgiveness, friendship, and even love.
Because hoovering is essentially about emotional survival for the narcissist, they will often go to extreme extents to get your engagement. They will lie, pretend, and coerce you in any way they can so that they can get what they’re truly craving: power, control, and validation. If you feel that you’re being stalked, don’t hesitate to contact the police. Narcissistic abuse is a very real issue.
Here are some of the best ways to end the cycle of narcissistic abuse:
- Change your phone number, email, and social media accounts (or block his/her number)
- Pay attention to the signs that you’re being hoovered and know these hoovering manipulation tactics inside out so that you can identify them when they occur
- Set a firm rule that you will NOT contact, acknowledge or respond to the narcissist in any way, shape or form
- Learn to love and take care of yourself (read this self-love article for tips)
- Join a narcissist support group
- Develop mindfulness so that you can become aware of your emotional triggers
- Try the gray rock method if you’ve been lured back into a relationship
I truly hope these actions can help you regain a sense of personal clarity, confidence, and empowerment once again as you recover from the narcissist’s hoovering mind games.
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Eventually, the narcissist’s tactics WILL stop. The sooner you completely ignore every one of their attempts to lure you in, the sooner they will realize that they have no control over you any more.
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Are you experiencing hoovering? Do you know someone who is? What advice can you share that can help others? Please share below.
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Thank you so much for these insights. I’ve learned a lot today. Do you have an article that addresses this issue with respect to how parents of a narcissist can protect themselves from their child’s gaslighting and hoovering?
This article came to me at exactly the time I refused to get back with the ex narcissist… He left me 10 mos ago which was a blessing. His new victim died if a drug overdose in January. He saw my car and came into a thrift store where I was shopping…. Then came to my apt and I did discuss things I needed closure on. Then I realized a WK later…I wanted no contact w him…Luna I feel so better and then I read the article and it was confirmed that he was hoovering and am empowered as never before… Thank you so very much for your insights.. Love, Deb
Deborah, I’m so glad this article could come to you at the exact time you needed support the most. This is precisely why I write these articles. May you continue to stay strong, resolute, and grounded. <3
Hey there!
What I can say, after just exiting such a relationship, is that after you experience such abuse there is little place for wondering whether it’s a narcissist or just a tendency. Really.
I am currently trying to get rid of all the hoovering ‘attacks’ you mentioned. And yes, I have been lured back into the relationship few times before and I guess that is one of the reasons he’s so persistent still, because he knows it’s worked before.
And thank you, Teddee, that is a very good idea, to keep a list of the things he’s done, which are not few. For later, because for now it’s recent and I still remember everything vividly.
I’ve lost friendships, self respect, for a while also all contact with anyone else. It has been traumatic in so many ways.
And what I also learned is that people judge so easily (of course, myself included) comments like “why didn’t you put an end to it?” or “you get what you deserve for staying with him”. And I understand, like I said, until you’ve experienced it, it’s hard to get how they can make you feel like you’re you’re the one that’s crazy or has issues, you’re the one that’s wrong and so on. :)
Well, it’s been three months now since I broke up with him and I have started to feel like myself again.
Aletheia, I had a concern when I was reading this.
I think it may be a good idea to mention once again that this technique is so awful and dangerous partly because it’s hard to tell the difference at first. Unless you can see through good liars you may not be able to tell the difference between an abusive narcissist and say a genuine recovering person at first.
I think that the key is to watch for their behaviours more than their words. If they don’t stick to their word, give them a gentle push, and if they react by blaming you or appeasing you without actually doing anything, then you most likely are dealing with genuine abuse, not a true call for help. They may actually try for a short time to help convince you, then revert. The bottom line is if they treat you poorly, there is no redeeming quality for that.
Not that you should help every person who asks you every time but it’s a good idea to remember that people are people, we all make mistakes, the important thing isn’t to point fingers, but to move forward.
I like your comment. Actions speak so much louder than words. It is also so vital to decide on personal values, what you will and will not accept from others, to set proper boundaries. Deciding I was actually worthy of boundaries was my first step in healing from a childhood of abuse.
Yes, you bring up a good point Shady, I think I’ll add a little bit to the article to clarify that.
There’s a bird called a killdeer that does something interesting when you get too close to her eggs/ chicks. She will fake having a broken wing and start running away from the nest, hoping you (a predator) will follow. When you get near, the killdeer suddenly recovers and flies away. This is how I view the narcissists in my life: they pull a fake out act from their bag of tricks to distract you and get your eyes off the prize.
My mother is a narcissist. I have cut off contact other than a lovely Christmas card I send to her and dad each year. This past holiday she used my sister to try to get to me by requesting my social security number to provide to her life insurance company. In my humble opinion a 60 year old woman really ought to rearrange her priorities in life, but garbage about life insurance or a will is just a lure to try to draw me back in. I refuse to play along.
I believe we attract what we our ourselves. I decided recently to stop dating and to pour all the love I have for others onto myself. I build daily habits of keeping my home clean and body healthy. It is never too late to become the parent we always wanted to have. I am my own parent now.
“It is never too late to become the parent we always wanted to have. I am my own parent now.” — While my parents weren’t narcissists, I find this deeply touching. So many of us never felt as though we had “true” mothers and fathers, and learning how to be your own parent is so important for recovery. I am working on this myself and it is revolutionary! Thank you for sharing your story A Sun. I wish you all the love in the world. <3
This article really hit home. Literally all of my family members. All of my friends & boyfriends start out normal, then drop the mask. I notice that narcissistic behavior is encourage in the US. Why have any desire to be around anyone if it means being abused? I heard narcissists target lightworkers because we have the self-love & fuffillment they don’t, dam leeches. Seems to be all I attract. Can you write an article on how to attract mentally healthy people?
How do you define mentally healthy? Do you mean positive people? Caring people?
I can assure you I am a ways away from mentally healthy, but I know very few people as genuine and patient as I am. Aletheia Luna and I are both narcissists, and as far as I can tell we are very patient and mature. But it’s my hunch that we both discovered our love for life in a journey filled with pain and temptation and selfishness, like many other people.
The first step to finding people you can truly connect with is understanding what is important to you, and realizing that getting to know people is the only way to really get to know people.
Maybe try meeting people in less extroverted placed, like maybe… book stores or libraries or, the mall. Places you wouldn’t usually go to meet new people, but to enjoy yourself.
Are you sure you both are narcissists, or is it that you just have some narcissistic tendencies? Because true narcs have no empathy for anyone, & try to destroy others to cover up the fact that they truly hate themselves inside. Are you sure that is you two? Anyway I am in isolation because every person I meet turns out to reject me if I don’t kiss their asses, or seems to be threatened by my genuine self love. Literally everyone.. I’m not cruel to others, but I set healthy boundaries. I see them treat others well, but I seem to bring out other’s insecurities. I’m always self improving, but it seems no matter what I do, my choices are to either accept emotional abuse & put downs or be alienated by others, or both.
Well all anyone has to go on is what you’ve shared, so it’s hard to make a catch-all answer.
Making a small difference (it’s hard/impossible to change people) could be as simple as changing the way you communicate. Do people read you the way you intend to be read, or misunderstand you?
If you are confident you have clear and effective communication with people, then you might have to just remove negative influences from your life. Everyone is negative sometimes, but if someone is insistent in blaming and pointing fingers, then you should probably not spend time with that person if they don’t show genuine caring and respect for you.
Remember also that it’s okay for people to have different opinions and views, you might meet lots of people in your life whom you just can’t agree with on some things. Know what’s important to you and who you want to have in your life, and who you don’t.
You touched on something I’ve actually begun to work on. Coming across the way I intend to. I can only guess until I figure it out because I have been to a counselor and they could find no real issues with me. Also people I considered friends at the time could give no constructive criticism, I’m fine in their eyes too, but they still turn on me or disappear. Someone’s not being truthful here and I’m trying to get to the bottom of it. As I stated earlier, I am surrounded by narc family who continue the cycle on to their children & scapegoat me for trying to do what’s right, so there are some scars there. I put up walls & have become somewhat of a misanthrope, believing everyone is like this, but I never stop trying. I may just be attracting these types by my subdued behavior due to all those years of emotional abuse. I have my flaws but consider myself to have a healthy balance of light and dark, I’m just trying to break my habit of not conveying my truth to others. Wow actually talking to genuine people is making me realize how valuable it is to have the right people around. Please pray for me that I can figure this out.
One of the commenters below makes an interesting observation: there’s a difference between narcissism and narcissist tendencies. Unfortunately it seems that in the West, narcissistic tendencies are more common and even acceptable, so it helps to be discerning. Even we “lightworkers” have narcissistic tendencies, so people are usually not “black or white.” In fact, many lightworkers I’ve met are actually unaware of their self-centeredness exclusively because they identify as “spiritual” people and are thus not willing to admit or face the darker sides of themselves (spiritual bypassing 101). But yes, narcissists are attracted to empathic types of people, but not because of their self-love, usually it’s because of their absence of it and the empath’s need to care for other people.
That makes sense, I will continue to work on exuding self love, confidence & authenticity, in the hopes I will attract more balanced people. Thanks.
This was my ex-wife. She did and still attempts most of these things. She’ll never change as there appear to be zero consequences for her actions. Tons of friends, guys hitting on her never single more than a few weeks. I take the high road as much as possible and all my friends left and single for 2+ years without a single bite or interest. Narcis seems to come out on top despite their mis-treating of all those around them. It’s backwards.
A bit off-topic here
For the past few years, I have started awakening starting a form of a severe existential crisis with symptoms such as demotivation, tiredness, laziness etc. because the thought of our life being destined to end puts so much of everything I had fought for, such as fame, money and everything ego-related to no avail; I am also being stressed out also by the thought of it, think of it like Existential Anxiety gone wrong. Both of these are making my life a living hell as of the moment.
I am also in a band but my lead singer is emotionally abusive such as I can’t make decisions for myself and I think I am being gas-lighted as when he insults me because I almost was late for a gig, on the way to a gig he was messaging the band group (Facebook Messenger) of how stupid and inconsiderate I was etc. the gig turned out to be successful and he was happy about it, when I confronted him of how his insults hurt me he then calls me overly-sensitive with no guilt or remorse for calling me that. Could it have been my fault and not his? He accepts some parts of me but rejects others such as my sensitivity and my anxious tendencies such as worrying often but I accept him as he is, good or bad. My point here is that, I believe that he can change and as a matter of fact, I am trying my best to make him change, what is the line between believing in someone and leaving the relationship?
I know I’m not Luna but I am talented at resolving conflict.
He likely doesn’t understand your need to be sensitive because he’s sculpted his world view into
one that helps him. Let him know calmly that you are going through a difficult time and need patience, you’ll keep trying to do better. If he continues to respond with negativity, you can either choose to be extra patient as a show of seriousness, or (and if that doesn’t work) you need to distance yourself from this person.
Remember, the line between a reasonable person and a stubborn jerk can be quite blurry sometimes. He likely thinks he’s right, or is at very least trying to convince himself he is so that he doesn’t have to feel something. That or he actually is a stubborn jerk. If he refuses to care about how he treats you, you do not have to tolerate that, nor should you.
Thanks Shady, but I’m not as talented as you might think, haha
Oh, my name is Shayd, and in my opinion you share meaningful and well thought out advice with people, and that’s a talent.
I don’t think it’s any stretch of the imagine to say you help to make people’s lives better. I needed something like Lonerwolf when I found it; your words and Sol’s have helped me to have faith in myself despite confusion, frustration and uncertainty.
Panda, maybe ask yourself, “what’s so wrong with not enjoying or searching for the things I once liked?” Spiritual awakening is all about the mentality you approach it with, and it can definitely be disturbing, but also exciting as more depth and Soul connection emerges in your life. I understand the anxiety, and I felt that too, especially when it requires that you ACT rather than sit around. Have you joined a local or online group dedicated to spiritual awakening? There are many empathetic people in these circles. You can also hang around lonerwolf and get more support and guidance if you like. Empathy from others goes a long way.
As for your band, I can feel how being criticised and name-called is very upsetting, particularly if you’re emotionally sensitive. I think it’s awesome that you tried to stand up for yourself in the face of this unkindness. It seems typical for many men to treat each other roughly, especially when it comes to emotions. There are many things to consider: perhaps the lead singer was stressed out and said nasty things in the heat of the moment or perhaps he’s just an insensitive or self-centered guy. In any case, it’s up to you to take care of yourself, your emotions, your needs, and draw a line when it needs to be drawn.
It’s futile to “make” him change, so please stop trying.
I feel so sorry for him though, the band is a way to relieve himself of his self-hatred, I could sense it as he hides it in a mask of smiling and joking which all the more makes me pity him, that’s all.
but yeah, I get your point. Thanks