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    » Home » Facing The Darkness

    19 Signs You Were Raised By a Narcissistic Mother or Father

    Reading time: 8 mins

    by Aletheia Luna · Sep 9, 2021 · 387 Comments

    Raised By a Narcissistic Mother or Father image

    Learning how to understand and make peace with your childhood is one of the most healing and empowering experiences you could ever go through.

    When we were children, we looked up to our parents for support, encouragement, nurturing and love.

    But when we were denied these things, we developed a variety of beliefs, behavioral patterns, and coping mechanisms to help us survive in such a difficult environment.

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    As adults, we often play out these same coping mechanisms, often to our own detriment.

    The thing about being the child of a narcissistic mother and/or father is that it often contributes to something known in shamanic terminology as soul loss.

    Soul loss is the inability to contact or experience our souls due to the unresolved wounds, traumas, and fears we’ve accumulated over the years.

    The first step in healing this soul loss is to be willing to explore what you went through as a child.

    This process of exploring the narcissistic actions of your parent isn’t done to condemn them or to victimize yourself.

    Instead, this process is done to help you understand the root cause of any pain you’re still experiencing, to learn how to release it, and to move on with your life. This becomes a strengthening and rejuvenating process.

    19 Signs You Had a Narcissistic Mother and/or Father

    Image of a narcissistic mother sitting down with no face

    The thing about having a narcissistic mother and/or father is that you have been taught to believe that you are the crazy and imbalanced one, instead of them. This causes you to constantly doubt yourself and any feelings you have about them. 

    Another major sign of being raised by narcissists is the constant guilt you struggle with. In other words, while you might suspect that there is something “off” with your parents, you feel ashamed to think about them in such a way, and you tend to start beating yourself up instead.

    But there is a very good reason why you’ve come to this article. And while you may still have lingering doubts, I hope the following information can clear your mind.

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    Firstly, you should know that there are two main kinds of narcissists:

    1. Engulfing Narcissists — these are parents who see their children as extensions of themselves. In other words, engulfing narcissistic parents become obsessively involved in your life to an extreme extent. They don’t respect your boundaries or acknowledge you as a separate person.
    2. Ignoring Narcissists — these are parents who have very little interest in their children. Ignoring narcissists clearly see the boundary between themselves and their children. As a result, they neglect to take care of their children or show an active interest in their lives.

    Depending on what type of narcissistic parent you have, you’ll struggle with slightly different (but similar) issues.

    So …

    How does a narcissistic mother or father behave?

    Here are some of the main signs:

    1. They tried to control you through codependency
    2. They laid on the guilt thick
    3. They only loved you when you did what THEY wanted
    4. They liked to “get even” with you
    5. They never respected your boundaries
    6. They competed with you
    7. They “owned” your accomplishments
    8. They constantly lied to you
    9. They never listened to (or cared) about your feelings
    10. They constantly insulted you
    11. They exerted explicit control over you
    12. They gaslighted you
    13. They “parentified” you
    14. They had a “favorite” or “golden” child
    15. They reacted intensely to any form of criticism
    16. They projected their bad behavior onto you
    17. They never displayed any empathy
    18. They were infallibly correct and never wrong
    19. They liked to present a perfect family image to outsiders

    Keep in mind that there’s a difference between narcissistic behavior (which only comes out every now and then) and narcissism. We all have a tendency to be narcissistic given the right circumstances (such as high stress). But narcissism is ongoing, chronic, and pathological.

    I’ll go into these nineteen signs more in depth below: 

    1. They tried to control you through codependency

    In other words, you were told by your parent/s, “Don’t leave me. I need you. I can’t live without you.” This made it impossible for you to live an autonomous life or establish independent priorities other than catering to the needs of your parent/s.

    2. They laid on the guilt thick

    Another method of controlling you was to constantly guilt trip you into doing what they wanted. They may have told you, “I’ve done so much for you, I’ve sacrificed everything for you.” As a result, you felt indebted to them and as though you “owed” them complete obedience.

    3. They only loved you when you did what THEY wanted

    Your parent/s withdrew love very easily. If you failed to do what they wanted, they would either punish you severely or give you the silent treatment. You had the impression that they only loved you when you PROVED your worth to them.

    4. They liked to “get even” with you

    When you did something “wrong” or against their will — even in the smallest way — they made sure they punished you. This petty and childish way of “getting even” may have been subtle or very obvious. For instance, they may have deliberately sabotaged something you cared about, broke something of yours, or hid something to get back at you.

    5. They never respected your boundaries

    There wasn’t any “private” space to call your own growing up. Your narcissistic mother or father would go through your room and private belongings, without a thought, sometimes even using what they found against you.

    6. They competed with you

    If you ever got something nice, they took it from you or got something nicer to “out-do” you.

    7. They “owned” your accomplishments

    Whenever someone complimented your achievements, your parent/s would instantly jump in and shift the attention to themselves. For example, if someone congratulated you for winning a soccer trophy, your parent/s would butt in and say something along the lines of, “Yes, she gets it from me. I was always athletic as a child.” They love the spotlight and frequently stole it from you.

    8. They constantly lied to you

    Your parent/s lied to manipulate, control and take advantage of you in some way, shape or form. You never knew what you could trust was “real” or truthful around them, or whether they were setting up a hidden trap for you to fall into.

    9. They never listened to (or cared) about your feelings

    You felt that you could never share your feelings with your parent/s because they would either make fun of you or talk about themselves instead. Somehow, whatever issue you faced as a child was spun into a pity party for them, not you.

    10. They constantly insulted you

    Your narcissistic mother or father berated, demeaned and harassed you on a constant basis. They may have even latched onto an insecurity of yours and used it to humiliate you.

    11. They exerted explicit control over you

    In other words, when you didn’t obey them, they would punish you. The message was very clear, “Obey me, or I’ll punish you.” You were punished through emotional or physical abuse including emotional blackmail, hitting or beating.

    12. They gaslighted you

    In order to control you, they used a psychological manipulation tactic known as gaslighting. What this means is that they would deliberately make you feel crazy, or cause you to doubt your sanity, in order to gain the upper hand. This led to the development of constant self-doubt during your childhood, adolescence and present life. Read more about gaslighting.

    13. They “parentified” you

    As a child, you were expected to “parent” your parent, or behave as a surrogate parent to cater to their needs, instead of them catering to yours.

    14. They had a “favorite” or “golden” child

    In your family, there was the “golden” child and the “scapegoat” child. In other words, one child was seen as perfect and capable of doing no harm. The other child was seen as the black sheep and the cause of all issues (this is also known as an identified patient). These roles could have also switched frequently.

    15. They reacted intensely to any form of criticism

    Did you ever criticize your mother or father? What was their general reaction? If your mother and/or father was a narcissist, they likely reacted in an extreme way. They would scream at you and likely physically hurt you through smacking, or some other method.

    16. They projected their bad behavior onto you

    For example, if you were in an argument, your narcissistic mother or father would hysterically scream at you, “ How dare you talk to your mother that way. Go to your room. We’ll talk after you stop screaming at me.”

    17. They never displayed any empathy

    They never asked about your feelings, sympathized with you, or cared. They seemed to be solely interested in their own feelings.

    18. They were infallibly correct and never wrong

    Even when they made a mistake or treated you in an unfair, or unjust way, they never apologized for their mistake. When you confronted them about it, they denied all accusations and tried to spin the blame onto you.

    19. They liked to present a perfect family image to outsiders

    Your parent/s went to great lengths to ensure that others perceived you as a loving/successful/enviable family. Likely, you were very aware of this ploy but kept silent for fear of wrath from your parent/s.

    How to Confirm That You’re the Child of a Narcissistic Mother / Father

    Raised By a Narcissistic Mother or Father image

    After reading through this list of symptoms you might still be unsure of how to define your parent/s. That’s normal. Your narcissistic mother and/or father wouldn’t have exhibited all of the signs above (but if they did, pay attention).

    If you’re the child of a narcissist, you will likely struggle with these problems:

    • Codependency in other relationships
    • Weak sense of self
    • Poor personal boundaries and inability to say “no”
    • Chronic guilt or toxic shame
    • Self-loathing
    • Emptiness
    • Trust issues
    • Inability to express or handle emotions (resulting in emotional numbness)
    • Anxiety or depression
    • Being a people-pleaser

    How many signs can you relate to? Obviously, the more issues you can say ‘yes’ to, the more likely you can confirm (without a doubt) that you were raised by a narcissistic mother or father.

    Click on any of the linked articles in the list above to gain further guidance.


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    The Awakened Empath eBook:

    Written for the highly sensitive and empathic people of life, Awakened Empath is a comprehensive map for helping you to develop physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual balance on every level.
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    How Do You Deal With a Narcissistic Mother or Father?

    What next?

    If you’re quite sure that one, or both, of your parents, was a narcissist, it’s likely that they still have some kind of involvement in your life. Many narcissist support groups recommend cutting off contact from such parents or interacting them in small, measured ways (such as through a phone call, or text message).

    To begin your process of soul healing, you might like to do the following:

    • Stop hoping that your narcissistic parent will change — you can never change them.
    • Allow yourself to grieve the parent you never had.
    • Understand that you have been raised to suppress and deny your feelings. Now is a good opportunity to slowly open up to those years of repressed feelings. You can do this by seeking traditional psychotherapy that focuses on shadow work, or alternative methods such as shamanic healing, hypnotherapy, holistic remedies, etc.
    • Learn to take care of your own needs through the practice of self-care.
    • Learn how to love yourself.
    • Reconnect with your inner child and learn how to care for it in a way your parents never could. This is called inner child work.
    • Keep an active daily journal in which you self-reflect. This will help you become more self-aware. Learn more about how to journal.
    • Explore soul retrieval, which is a vital part of inner work.
    • Express your emotions in a healthy way, particularly any anger you have inside.
    • Join a support group and connect with others who have experienced similar childhood experiences. You can find many on Facebook, or you could search the internet for local groups.
    • Arm and empower yourself with knowledge by reading books such as “Becoming the Narcissist’s Nightmare” and “Disarming the Narcissist.”

    While you may feel broken, it’s important to remember that you are not broken. Your soul can never be broken. It is still there, waiting for you to access. This experience only serves to show you that everything you need is within you. No matter what your childhood was like, it’s still possible to heal and reunite with that source of unconditional joy, wonder and love inside.

    I hope this article supports your healing and growth. If you want to share your experience growing up with a narcissistic mother and/or father, please comment below. You’re welcome to keep your comment anonymous (by using our website’s comment system). Your email is always kept private.

    19 Signs You Were Raised By a Narcissistic Mother or Father
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    About Aletheia Luna

    Aletheia Luna is a prolific psychospiritual writer, author, and spiritual mentor whose work has touched the lives of millions worldwide. As a survivor of fundamentalist religious abuse, her mission is to help others find love, strength, and inner light in even the darkest places. She is the author of hundreds of popular articles, as well as numerous books and journals on the topics of Self-Love, Spiritual Awakening, and more. [Read More]

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    Reader Interactions

    (387) Comments

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    1. Jocelyn

      May 12, 2022 at 9:22 am

      My mother & I have never gotten along, my first memory is of her screaming at me & I didn’t know why, I was 3 & I was confused & scared & just wanted her to stop. She has told me everything I’ve ever done my whole life is wrong…every decision, every thought, every choice I made….everything I do is wrong. I am the oldest of 3, she isn’t like this with my brother or sister. I was always taken to psychiatrists & such, I was anorexic, I was depressed. Later in life I became a drug addict, went to rehab, left my husband & me & my 3 children had to move in with my parents. I was 38. I went to beauty school in hopes of a way of supporting myself & children & that has not worked out so well. She holds money issues over me & controls me that way still, saying she will not help out with things she knows I can’t provide for my children if I do leave. She tells me I’m not capable of raising my children alone or anything else for that matter. She has convinced my brother and sister that I’m crazy, selfish, ungrateful & mean & anyone else that will listen. If I don’t do what she wants, I get the silent treatment for days. She never approves of anyone I date or choose to be friends with, even though the last two men I dated long term, she introduced me to. One ended up being a terrible drug addict & the other was a narcissist & I’ve had a terrible time getting over that relationship & she never asked me one thing about it. All she said was that I talked about it too much. That relationship is what has led me to do all the inner work I have done on myself in the past 2 years that have been more beneficial to me than anything I’ve ever done in my life. I’m learning boundaries, self love, so many things about myself that I never would have & im finally healing from so much more than just that relationship & she doesn’t like it at all. I’m still not sure if she’s a narcissist, I’m not one to point fingers or blame others for my problems. I just try not to engage with her as much as possible until I can get out of her house. It is starting to affect 2 of my 3 children now & I will not let that happen. I cannot. I’m getting stronger & I will do it for my children, if not for me, then definitely for them. I know I’ve made some bad decisions in my life but that does not make me a bad person & I know my heart. She will never know it & that’s what is saddest to me.

      Reply
    2. Victoria

      May 12, 2022 at 7:35 am

      I’m lost and.looking to find ways to be founds.

      Reply
    3. Elle

      April 23, 2022 at 4:23 am

      My father is a narcissist and my mother plays victim. Growing up it’s never been easy they were immigrants and that meant resources were limited to what they knew. I am in my mid twenties and still haven’t had a healthy relationship with a partner. I tend to over share and depend on the way they make me feel. My father was the typical macho traditional guy, woman cooks man brings money. He would criticize the way I looked each time and I was chubby and he still manages to put me down by my physical appearance. My mother is sweet and compassionate but liked to pull the Im leaving if nobody wants me card or I can’t leave your father and do it on my own. I have so much resentment towards him and the way he behaves towards my siblings and I… he called my sister easy. He would hit us and then come in the room and ask for a hug and forgiveness. It was keep your head down to not provoke him. He was never wrong or did anything and would often stray away from conversations we would try to have with him. He liked to appear like the most coolest person and that we were the best looking family because he cared for appearances so bad. I am still trying to find ways to unlearn certain behavior I adapted to cope to hopefully build better foundation for myself and those who I hope to further on build with.

      Reply
    4. moses

      March 09, 2022 at 5:53 am

      thanks for your great article, it helped me a lot, and i shared it already with many others who went through the same hard upbringing,
      thanks a million !!! keep on with your great work

      Reply
    5. Teresa Mitchell

      September 17, 2021 at 11:19 am

      Thank you very much for info on healing inner child and being raised by two narrsistic parents. Ill come back and purchase some of the journals.

      Reply
    6. Debbie

      August 20, 2021 at 11:58 am

      This is the first time I’ve posted about my narcissistic mother. My whole life I thought I was crazy and everything was my fault til just about 6 months ago I was so sick of arguing with my mother, I went to Google and typed, “Why is my mother so angry and controlling?”. The very first entry was, “Signs your mother may be a narcissist”. I read it and BAM! My whole life flashed before my eyes and I finally knew I wasn’t crazy. The sad part was finding out that she would never change and that she was incapable of love. Looking back, that’s all I wanted from her was motherly love. I am 64 yrs. old and I am living with my 84 yr. old mother taking care of her. I’ve always taken care of everyone in my family. When my father was diagnosed with lung cancer, I was the one that took care of him. I raised my brother and sister from the time I was 8 yrs. old. The babysitter we had was a male sailor my dad knew and he was trying to molest me so when I told them about it, they said, “Well if you’re old enough to be wanted by a man, you’re old enough to babysit.” I babysat every day and night until I left home at 17 pregnant. I was not allowed to have friends over and I was punished if I snuck anyone in. The reason I babysat everyday was my parents were out partying. Either drinking or golfing and sometimes they wouldn’t come home for days and I wouldn’t know where they were. My mother lived like a queen. I took care of her kids, her responsibilities and she could go have fun. She took my childhood from me. When I recently tried to tell her about how not having a childhood affected me she told me I was selfish and she would do it again if she could. I think that was one of the most hurtful things she’s said but it’s also why I typed my question into Google. We were also in the military and moved every 2 to 3 years from one side of the country to the other so needless to say, I have never been good at making friends. I didn’t know my grandfather or my aunts, uncles, or cousins (all on my mom’s side) because come to find out, my mother never told them where we were. She talks to them now but makes sure not to include me in on the conversations. Since I took care of my brother and sister, they saw me as the disciplinarian and my mother made sure to emphasize that. She also had ways of manipulating the 2 of them to keep them from getting close. I always felt like the outcast but my mother always made me feel like I was the golden child but now I know that was only to make my siblings resent me more.
      My parents allowed me to smoke cigarettes when I was 11. Anything to make me feel like an adult. If my brother or sister got into trouble, which my brother did quite often, I had to lie about our home situation and would forge notes or telephone calls so nobody knew what was going on. At 16, I thought I might as well raise my own kid and get the hell out of here and got pregnant and married at 17. I finished high school and did okay which seemed to infuriate my mother so she was always trying to get me to leave my husband, yada, yada, yada. Right now she has called me to help her at least 5 times while writing this. I have no time to myself as she is always here and always demanding my attention. I will finish this up at a later time so I can keep myself calm while she infuriates me. The rest of my story only gets worse but I am trying to heal.

      Reply
    7. David Adams

      August 06, 2021 at 1:36 am

      How many children do you have? On who’s authority are you to speak given you do the not know the child’s or parents history and if this is a good solution then why isn’t everyone applying what you offer for advice…because what you say is not based on any medical fact?

      Reply
      • Michael AA

        August 07, 2021 at 10:36 am

        Lol, show me a psychological study or source that this is not a “medical fact”, as if getting angry over something counts as fact. No one is saying all parents are like this if that what bothers you. Unfortunately, not every parent is ideal.

        Reply
    8. Justine

      July 29, 2021 at 8:18 pm

      Why do people always say a narcissist can’t change?! Anyone is capable of change! This article hits the nail on the head, but reading that a narcissist can never change always throws me off. Anyone is capable of seeing their behavior and changing it, I will always believe that!!!

      Reply
      • Michael AA

        August 07, 2021 at 10:37 am

        “Belief” is not actual evidence alone.

        Reply
      • GGG

        August 20, 2021 at 1:14 am

        True narcissists can never change because they are incapable of believing that their behavior is not acceptable. They are incapable of seeing any fault in themselves and are therefore incapable of meaningful change. Some may mouth the words and say they’re sorry, or may say they’ll try harder, but their behavior will never back those words up. Any temporary behavioral changes you see come from a place of manipulation and not from a desire to truly change.

        Reply
      • moses

        March 09, 2022 at 6:05 am

        you are right that a narcissist can change himself, if he really wants to, (it is a long hard process with good therapy) but a narcissist will rarely agree that he has a problem, and even if they think they have a problem, they don’t see it as such a problem, worth so many hours, months and even years, to work on it…

        Reply
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