Learning how to understand and make peace with your childhood is one of the most healing and empowering experiences you could ever go through.
As the son of a drug-addicted mother and totally absent father, I know how important it is to come to terms with your parent’s mental illness.
When we were children, we looked up to our parents for support, encouragement, nurturing and love. But when we were denied these things, we developed a variety of beliefs, behavioral patterns and coping mechanisms to help us survive in such a difficult environment. As adults, we often play out these same coping mechanisms, often to our own detriment.
The thing about being the child of a narcissistic mother and/or father is that it often contributes to something known in shamanic terminology as soul loss. Soul loss is the inability to contact or experience our souls due to the unresolved wounds, traumas and fears we’ve accumulated over the years.
The first step in healing this soul loss is to be willing to explore what you went through as a child. This process of exploring the narcissistic actions of your parent isn’t done to condemn them or to victimize yourself. Instead, this process is done to help you understand the root cause of any pain you’re still experiencing, to learn how to release it, and to move on with your life. This becomes a strengthening and rejuvenating process.
19 Signs You Had a Narcissistic Mother and/or Father
The thing about having a narcissistic mother and/or father is that you have been taught to believe that you are the crazy and imbalanced one, instead of them. This causes you to constantly doubt yourself and any feelings you have about them.
Another major sign of being raised by narcissists is the constant guilt you struggle with. In other words, while you might suspect that there is something “off” with your parents, you feel ashamed to think about them in such a way, and you tend to start beating yourself up instead.
But there is a very good reason why you’ve come to this article. And while you may still have lingering doubts, I hope the following information can clear your mind.
Firstly, you should know that there are two main kinds of narcissists:
- Engulfing Narcissists — these are parents who see their children as extensions of themselves. In other words, engulfing narcissistic parents become obsessively involved in your life to an extreme extent. They don’t respect your boundaries or acknowledge you as a separate person.
- Ignoring Narcissists — these are parents who have very little interest in their children. Ignoring narcissists clearly see the boundary between themselves and their children. As a result, they neglect to take care of their children or show an active interest in their lives.
Here are 19 major signs that you had a narcissistic mother and/or father:
1. They tried to control you through codependency
In other words, you were told by your parent/s, “Don’t leave me. I need you. I can’t live without you.” This made it impossible for you to live an autonomous life or establish independent priorities other than catering to the needs of your parent/s.
2. They laid on the guilt thick
Another method of controlling you was to constantly guilt trip you into doing what they wanted. They may have told you, “I’ve done so much for you, I’ve sacrificed everything for you.” As a result, you felt indebted to them and as though you “owed” them complete obedience.
3. They only loved you when you did what THEY wanted
Your parent/s withdrew love very easily. If you failed to do what they wanted, they would either punish you severely, or give you the silent treatment. You had the impression that they only loved you when you PROVED your worth to them.
4. They liked to “get even” with you
When you did something “wrong” or against their will — even in the smallest way — they made sure they punished you. This petty and childish way of “getting even” may have been subtle or very obvious. For instance, they may have deliberately sabotaged something you cared about, broke something of yours, or hid something to get back at you.
5. They never respected your boundaries
There wasn’t any “private” space to call your own growing up. Your parent/s would go through your room and private belongings, without a thought, sometimes even using what they found against you.
6. They competed with you
If you ever got something nice, they took it from you, or got something nicer to “out-do” you.
7. They “owned” your accomplishments
Whenever someone complimented your achievements, your parent/s would instantly jump in and shift the attention to themselves. For example, if someone congratulated you for winning a soccer trophy, your parent/s would butt in and say something along the lines of, “Yes, she gets it from me. I was always athletic as a child.” They love the spotlight and frequently stole it from you.
8. They constantly lied to you
Your parent/s lied to manipulate, control and take advantage of you in some way, shape or form. You never knew what you could trust was “real” or truthful around them, or whether they were setting up a hidden trap for you to fall into.
9. They never listened to (or cared) about your feelings
You felt that you could never share your feelings with your parent/s because they would either make fun of you, or talk about themselves instead. Somehow, whatever issue you faced as a child was spun into a pity party for them, not you.
10. They constantly insulted you
Your parent/s berated, demeaned and harassed you on a constant basis. They may have even latched onto an insecurity of yours and used it to humiliate you.
11. They exerted explicit control over you
In other words, when you didn’t obey them, they would punish you. The message was very clear, “Obey me, or I’ll punish you.” You were punished through emotional or physical abuse including emotional blackmail, hitting or beating.
12. They gaslighted you
In order to control you, they used a psychological manipulation tactic known as gaslighting. What this means is that they would deliberately make you feel crazy, or cause you to doubt your sanity, in order to gain the upper hand. This led to the development of constant self-doubt during your childhood, adolescence and present life. Read more about gaslighting.
13. They “parentified” you
As a child, you were expected to “parent” your parent, or behave as a surrogate parent to cater for their needs, instead of them catering to yours.
14. They had a “favorite” or “golden” child
In your family there was the “golden” child and the “scapegoat” child. In other words, one child was seen as perfect and capable of doing no harm. The other child was seen as the black sheep, and the cause of all issues (this is also known as an identified patient). These roles could have also switched frequently.
15. They reacted intensely to any form of criticism
Did you ever criticise your mother or father? What was their general reaction? If your mother and/or father was a narcissist, they likely reacted in an extreme way. They would scream at you and likely physically hurt you through smacking, or some other method.
16. They projected their bad behavior onto you
For example, if you were in an argument, they would hysterically scream at you, “ How dare you talk to your mother that way. Go to your room. We’ll talk after you stop screaming at me.”
17. They never displayed any empathy
They never asked about your feelings, sympathized with you, or cared. They seemed to be solely interested in their own feelings.
18. They were infallibly correct and never wrong
Even when they made a mistake or treated you in an unfair, or unjust way, they never apologized for their mistake. When you confronted them about it, they denied all accusations and tried to spin the blame onto you.
19. They liked to present a perfect family image to outsiders
Your parent/s went to great lengths to ensure that others perceived you as a loving/successful/enviable family. Likely, you were very aware of this ploy, but kept silent for fear of wrath from your parent/s.
How to Confirm That You’re the Child of a Narcissist
After reading through this list of symptoms you might still be unsure of how to define your parent/s. That’s normal. Your narcissistic mother and/or father wouldn’t have exhibited all of the signs above (but if they did, pay attention).
If you’re the child of a narcissist, you will likely struggle with these problems:
- Codependency in other relationships
- Weak sense of self
- Poor interpersonal boundaries and inability to say “no”
- Chronic guilt or shame
- Self-loathing
- Emptiness
- Trust issues
- Inability to express or handle emotions
- Anxiety or depression
- Being a people-pleaser
What next?
If you’re quite sure that one, or both, of your parents was a narcissist, it’s likely that they still have some kind of involvement in your life. Many narcissist support groups recommend cutting off contact from such parents, or interacting them in small, measured ways (such as through a phone call, or text message).
To begin your process of soul healing, you might like to do the following:
- Stop hoping that your narcissistic parent will change — you can never change them.
- Allow yourself to grieve the parent you never had.
- Understand that you have been raised to suppress and deny your feelings. Now is a good opportunity to slowly open up to those years of repressed feelings. You can do this by seeking traditional psychotherapy, or alternative methods such as shamanic healing, hypnotherapy, holistic remedies, etc.
- Learn to take care of your own needs through the practice of self-love.
- Reconnect with your inner child and learn how to care for it in a way your parents never could. This is called inner child work.
- Keep an active daily journal in which you self-reflect. This will help you become more self-aware.
- Explore soul retrieval, which is a vital part of soulwork.
- Express your emotions in a healthy way, particularly any anger you have inside.
- Join a support group and connect with others who have experienced similar childhood experiences. You can find many on Facebook, or you could search the internet for local groups.
While you may feel broken, it’s important to remember that you are not broken. Your soul can never be broken. It is still there, waiting for you to access. This experience only serves to show you that everything you need is within you. No matter what your childhood was like, it’s still possible to heal and reunite with that source of unconditional joy, wonder and love inside.
I hope this article supports your healing and growth. If you want to share your experience growing up with a narcissistic mother and/or father, please comment below. You’re welcome to keep your comment anonymous (by using our website’s comment system). Your email is always kept private.
I am gutted and have to process this. The whole time I thought it was me. My whole life. 36 years. I always wondered what was/is wrong with me. Why I have sever anxiety. Why I can’t show my emotions. Why I just like to be alone.
As I finished this article I began to cry. It is so hard to accept the truth. It’s especially hard to not just blame myself instead. Thank you for this.
That’s already a wonderful sign Molly, I’m so happy to be able to provide some clarity.
I agree sadly with all 19. And all my problems I have are all on that list. People pleaser, soul loss, everything. Well I’m at a point now where I’m 19 years old. The oldest child of 2 narcissists. I have a younger brother and sister who I assume are also becoming narcissists. My mom and dad are both narcissists but they’re divorced. I cut contact with my mom and am living with my dad now. But I need to get out of here. I’m so scared of becoming a narcissist myself. I would never want to pass on what happened to me on anyone else in the world. It’s honestly such a sad life for the child of a narcissist. I’ve been left with terrible self-loathing, anxiety, soul-loss, you name it, and it’s eating my soul away. I’m also super isolated and have nobody to talk to. My trust in other people is getting close to zero. I think I need to cut off contact from my parents completely and start rebuilding myself from scratch. I’ve been used my whole life. I need my soul back…..
Well I’m sending everyone else who has gone through this love and strength. Stay alive. And rebuild yourself. Get in touch with your soul again because it misses you. And don’t listen to the lies your evil parents are telling you. You are worth it. I’m trying to believe it too… after years of never feeling good enough. It really opens my eye to realize where all of my problems and difficulty to be a human being actually stem from.
Thank you Sol for helping people like us with this. I’m so grateful youre shining light on it. Like this is honestly so real to me. It’s hard for me to even write a comment through my fogged mind but from my soul to yours I thank you.
& Luna of course. Sorry I missed that. Just read up on you two. Thank you for doing what you do.
Dear Cameron, may you experience healing . You are at a young age to discover about the disorder of your narcissistic parents…. On the plus side, that means you can avoid passing it on to your own children . My mother has extreme narcissistic personality disorder and I was raised in that environment . As you know it was very confusing and painful . But I didn’t understand the name for it until I was over 50 years old! By the grace of God I did not raise my children the way she raised me and I have a pretty good relationship with both of my daughters. But I am always aware of the possible residual effects of the narcissism that can be passed down . I wish you the best and hope you find much love in your life!
I come from a terribly narcissistic family. Truthfully I am here on planet earth and in a good place because of Jesus who saved me over 20 years ago. I heard every single day that I was worthless, stupid, dumb and crazy. My family still tries to tell me that. I experienced ridiculous neglect emotional, and material. I had to wear roommates clothes in college because I didn’t have enough to wear for myself. My brother was the favored child and I was the targeted child who received the verbal abuse. So many times I wanted to scream at the injustice that was done towards me. My brother would be beating me up on the living room floor and my mom would say that we couldn’t get along. He was 5 years older than me and 50 lbs heavier. I dealt with verbal abuse every day of my life and as a result had a very low self esteem. Jesus helped me to regain myself. While my earthly parents were very lacking , my Heavenly Father is perfect and the Holy Spirit has been my comforter since the day I was saved
I have the same story as you, but I was the golden child, now I’m 34, living just me and my mother. I don’t know what to do or reverse this, I want to leave but I don’t have money or means to move out, what can I do
My mother is extremely abusive. There are 4 children in my family. My brother and I being the two youngest. I am the “targeted child” while my brother is the “golden child.” No one believes me. My mother has convinced everything I say is a lie. She has to be the center of attention at all times. Even when my dad passed away, she had to be the center of attention, instead of him~ She tells everyone who will listen to her that my father was not good to her and “left her with nothing” and that if she didn’t have her part time job after he retired, she would be penniless. Two of the “nothing” things he left behind when he died was a house whick sold for $575,000.00 and a Etrade account of countless thousand of dollars in stock! My father upgraded her engagement ring to a larger one, bought her a mink coat and took her on so many vacations after they were married 25 years that she didn’t want to go anymore. She made me and my brother believe that he was emotionally abusing her by not meeting her needs, thus turning us away from him. The last straw for me was when she told me that when my father was dying from cancer and wouldn’t eat, she knew she could probably get him to eat shrimp, because he loved it so much, but wouldn’t buy it for him as a punishment for all that he did to her! I couldn’t love someone who was that spiteful and vindictive. I went to my therapist and was told to tell my mother I needed a break in our relationship. (I was the only child to have her move in with them when she was 89. At 91 she decided she couldn’t stand living with me, and got her own apartment)Two months later she cut me from the will. The money was never an issue for me, I longed for the relationship I didn’t have and wanted so much from my mother. It’s very difficult to try to remember that it isn’t me who is crazy, I am NOT a liar and that she is vindictive. She gave me a ring one time that she bought in Singapore. She gave me the bill of sale for $1220.00 since she had bought the ring so many years before, I had it appraised so that I could have it insured in case of loss or theft. The jeweler appraised it at $1400.00!~I couldn’t believe it, sure it would have gone up much more in that amount of time and I produced the bill of sale to him. After looking it over carefully, he pointed out that the #1 in $1220.00 was written in a slightly different color ink than the $220.000! She changed the price to $1220.00 from $220.00
I am nearly sixty years old and its taken me almost a life time to understand who I am. Both my parents were narcissists. All of my siblings have personality disorders including myself. My mother was self centered and only cared about her looks and how peoplesaw her. My father was distant and cruel. He reminded me everydayhow pointless I was. As children we were neglected and un loved the verbal abuse for me was torturous and I have felt shame and self loathing my whole life. I have suffered anxiety and depression and stuggled with eating disorders to this day. I recognize that I too display patterns of a personality disorder. Admitting this has been difficult for me to do I have had to peel off many layers of myself to see whats real about who I am and why. I am working everyday on how to become a more balanced peaceful person and to eliminate those unwelcome traits. I have forgiven my parents because I know they as children were the result of neglect and loveless parents. I hope that my children will forgive me for my lacking as a parent but I strive to continually be more and hope that I can put to rest the demons that have followed me around my whole life.
I came across this article because I’ve hit my breaking point with my mother and I needed some reassurance that I’m not crazy. Throughout my whole life my mother has set out to make me feel worthless. If I do something good, she doesn’t notice or says that ‘that’s what you should be doing anyways.’ If I fail or make a mistake, I am hit with a wave of emotional abuse such as, you’re just a failure, you’re lazy, you’re a slut, you’re an embarrassment, I could go on. And because I’m so sensitive (I’m a Pisces so duh) I just take all feedback to heart because she’s my mother. Of course now I realize that she was gaslighting me, but at the time I just felt like I could do no right. But anyways, I had just picked her up from work while we were sitting in the parking lot. We had gotten into a fight because I missed my first day of classes for school (because she didn’t “feel” like giving me a ride) and then she proceeded to belittle my relationship with my boyfriend and then tell me “you should never have a child” as if that was relevent to anything. I held in my tears as my little brother got in the car and while she coddled him I remembered why I can never trust or open myself up to her: she will NEVER change; and after reading this article and finding it scary accurately close to my mother, I know I’m not crazy. So thank you for publishing this, I feel a little better already.
¡Viva new moon!
THANK YOU for this! I really need this. I am in desperate need of guidance on this subject. My mother is every bit of the 19 signs and more. I have known she is a narcissist for a long time but in the past couple years it really has come to my attention of the effects it has had on me. She has always treated my father and myself in a horrible way and continues to do so. Now that we do not know how much time we have with my father it has gotten even worse. I can’t see my father without dealing with my mother so it is hard to be able to pull away or even to protect myself. Most of the time I feel lost about the whole situation. As soon as I feel I make progress within myself all of the old feelings creep right back up. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t have struggles because of my narcissistic mother. I will say your whole site has been such a tremendous help to me and I am forever grateful. Thank you for letting myself know and many others know that we are not alone in these feelings we have and there is hope.
Today I feel fortunate that my narcissistic father abused alcohol, so I qualify for Al-anon, particularly as an adult child. I also found spiritual healing by joining a church and getting involved in serving and studying he bible. My beliefs about God were strongly connected to my father’s character and personality. The loving and living God of Christianity is very different.
It has taken me many years to heal from growing up with a narcissistic mother and an enabling father . I have healed now but always have to regularly remind myself that i am not the one with the problem as a narcissistic parent never changes. We need to do all the work in protecting and loving ourselves and having compassion for self that has been hurt by the parent.
As adults we can regain empowerment and make choices that are good for ourselves and be the love we need and breakaway from the narcissistic parent and the damage they caused.
Its a long journey but it’s possible and of course I’m still aware of a massive gap where my mother should be but I’m nurturing me now and choosing good people to be around.
There is light at the end of the tunnel ! , you need to step away from the damage and make choices that heal instead.
Can someone please help? My son is 13 and suffering greatly at the hands of his emotionally abusive father who fits this article SO well. My son, of course, feel extreme guilt and loyalty but he’s a minor so he must spend time with him- and wouldn’t want to stop. How can I help him? (We’ve been divorced for many years). What resources, books etc can help a young teen? He sees a counselor but not sure how much that’s helping. Thanks so much!!
lonerwolf.com has changed my life in such a positive way~ I cannot express my gratitude enough! As a daughter of narcissistic parents, a survivor of sexual and emotional abuse, and years of low self esteem, Luna & Sol~ you have given me such in-depth insight that I feel and see myself healing more everyday! Thank you for your wisdom, courage, and support you have provided me for the past year! Honestly you helped me more than you will ever know! <3
Thank you Michelle for taking the time to share your gratitude for our work. It’s humbling to see how much us sharing with you guys our experiences and lessons affects your personal journeys and the ripples it creates. We should be the one thanking you all for filling our life with such a strong sense of purpose and meaning, I look forward to continuing walking this path with you :).
A lot of this article rings true with me. I was always my mothers counseller from an extremely young age, before I even understood relationships, when I wasn’t needed for that I was made to feel worthless. My mother was never wrong, didn’t matter if the world was to tell her she was, she would find a reason it was someone else. Through my teens I was systematically belittled, my privacy denied, my social life denied, even my education was denied. When I did finally find my independence as an 18 year old I was thrown out, pregnant, into the streets, with not a single look back.
In the years that would follow I went through a few stages, trying to get back what I thought I had lost, feeling sad that I had lost my family (siblings) and feeling totally lost in a world that was so cold.
After the absolute lowest times in my life, I finally realised it wasn’t me, when you are told your whole life you will amount to nothing, it’s hard to see past that, but I did. I saw my mother for what she is, a narcissist, when I realised this I have slowly been gaining back my life, and dealing with the emotions it has left me with, and the relationship issues it brings.
I am now 29, 11 years of trying to rebuild what was taken from me as a child, it’s the most insidious form of child abuse, no one sees it, and when you explain it, nobody understands…Even my siblings, because they haven’t identified her for what she is yet, I hope that whatever happens, they will be happy.
Reading this made me feel normal, and reminded me of a few things to aware of.
Thank you.
Anyone who is struggling with this issue, please reach out to someone, a professional if it makes it easier, just know it isn’t you.
The ironic thing about this article is it was sent to me by the bully narcissist of our family (my oldest daughter) as justification for banning me from seeing my grandchildren and my mother. I learned in studying narcissism that it is common for a narcissist to accuse someone else of being one because they project their own personality onto others. I could not see myself in any of the 19 traits and after talking to all of the therapists I have had, marriage counselor, etc. they all agreed that I am not a narcissist but the accuser is one. My daughter was identified as a born bully when she was 4 years old by family members. I didn’t want to believe it nor did her mother. Eventually, this very strong-willed child became violent, declared she chose to be evil and had to be kicked out of the home on her 17th birthday. She found she could manipulate and use her mother with ease and set about to deliberately destroy our family and her siblings. She’s a big, loud, very intelligent and controlling individual and I finally realized I had been gaslighted for years and years. She would taunt me (the only one willing to do something about her behavior) as to how she controlled her mother and could get her to sink a knife in my back whenever she wished. She did not have a bad childhood. She was not abused. She was born a narcissist. And there is zero hope of them ever changing.
Our youngest child (he is now 22) has Down Syndrome and is severely Autistic. He and I have been closely bonded since his birth when I fell in love with him the moment he was handed to me. My daughter bullied her mother with the threat of banishment last summer into cutting off my son and me from each other. He rapidly declined and ended up in a psychiatric hospital and receiving psychiatric treatment. I am now engaged in probate court to have his mother removed as his guardian and me named to take her place. He will finally be happy again. When I become the guardian, his two abusers, his oldest sister, and her mother will be given no contact orders and never have a chance to abuse this boy again.
My youngest daughter moved to Colorado and will not speak to anyone in the family. She was mercilessly bullied by her sister. Even now, the oldest claims her younger sister is a porn star but told me not to look for the evidence because it would just depress me. Knowing my oldest all to well that was a signal to me that it was a lie and the reason she didn’t want me to look was that I would discover it was a lie. I did a deep background check and indeed the claim is totally false.
My oldest son has told me of the contempt he has for his mother and oldest sister. He told me that because of all the turmoil he is unable to be close to anyone.
I wish I had known what was really going on 20+ years ago and maybe the rest of the children could have been protected.
Narcissism is a very destructive thing. The narcissist is a cousin to the sociopath. They know what they are doing and they derive pleasure from it.
And the claim we are all narcissistic is false.
I never realised that it was my mum who had a problem I always thought it was my dad with his shouting and swearing all night long atfer spending all day in bed he use to get up and start swearing if the sun had been shining all day and my mum would argue with him later when I was about 8 and my mum went to the solicitors the solicitors ask me if I loved my mum I said yes asked if I loved my dad I said no when we left the solicitors and was outside my mum told me off and never to say that again and never to say anything again like that it was embarrassing and a little while later we stayed in a hostile but all my childhood my mum always blamed everyone so anyway mum got her divorce and so dad was back at weekends and soon back for good and when my brother said you sure mum she told her three children to mind our.own buisness and it had nothing to do with us ź and my mum mum ss had a deadline that’s s tressful and my mum would would like to like to like to like to like to like to like to like to arrange a viewing for s s 5s trengths s 5ss and my mum would would like to arrange a viewing viewing viewing viewing viewing for for for the the the the the the the need 5for for for for for for for for s ale s s trengths trengths s 5ss and s s s ss5s5sssshow I am am a a team player Yes Yes I ss know know know know know know what to say s s
I’m very doubtful that a 4 year old child is a born bully. What happened to her to make her like this I wonder, that’s if she is? I’m thinking that you really should take a look at yourself.
Leland B Scott..I’m very doubtful that a 4 year old child is a born bully. What happened to her to make her like this I wonder, that’s if she is? I’m thinking that you really should take a look at yourself.