Learning how to understand and make peace with your childhood is one of the most healing and empowering experiences you could ever go through.
As the son of a drug-addicted mother and totally absent father, I know how important it is to come to terms with your parent’s mental illness.
When we were children, we looked up to our parents for support, encouragement, nurturing and love. But when we were denied these things, we developed a variety of beliefs, behavioral patterns and coping mechanisms to help us survive in such a difficult environment. As adults, we often play out these same coping mechanisms, often to our own detriment.
The thing about being the child of a narcissistic mother and/or father is that it often contributes to something known in shamanic terminology as soul loss. Soul loss is the inability to contact or experience our souls due to the unresolved wounds, traumas and fears we’ve accumulated over the years.
The first step in healing this soul loss is to be willing to explore what you went through as a child. This process of exploring the narcissistic actions of your parent isn’t done to condemn them or to victimize yourself. Instead, this process is done to help you understand the root cause of any pain you’re still experiencing, to learn how to release it, and to move on with your life. This becomes a strengthening and rejuvenating process.
19 Signs You Had a Narcissistic Mother and/or Father
The thing about having a narcissistic mother and/or father is that you have been taught to believe that you are the crazy and imbalanced one, instead of them. This causes you to constantly doubt yourself and any feelings you have about them.
Another major sign of being raised by narcissists is the constant guilt you struggle with. In other words, while you might suspect that there is something “off” with your parents, you feel ashamed to think about them in such a way, and you tend to start beating yourself up instead.
But there is a very good reason why you’ve come to this article. And while you may still have lingering doubts, I hope the following information can clear your mind.
Firstly, you should know that there are two main kinds of narcissists:
- Engulfing Narcissists — these are parents who see their children as extensions of themselves. In other words, engulfing narcissistic parents become obsessively involved in your life to an extreme extent. They don’t respect your boundaries or acknowledge you as a separate person.
- Ignoring Narcissists — these are parents who have very little interest in their children. Ignoring narcissists clearly see the boundary between themselves and their children. As a result, they neglect to take care of their children or show an active interest in their lives.
Here are 19 major signs that you had a narcissistic mother and/or father:
1. They tried to control you through codependency
In other words, you were told by your parent/s, “Don’t leave me. I need you. I can’t live without you.” This made it impossible for you to live an autonomous life or establish independent priorities other than catering to the needs of your parent/s.
2. They laid on the guilt thick
Another method of controlling you was to constantly guilt trip you into doing what they wanted. They may have told you, “I’ve done so much for you, I’ve sacrificed everything for you.” As a result, you felt indebted to them and as though you “owed” them complete obedience.
3. They only loved you when you did what THEY wanted
Your parent/s withdrew love very easily. If you failed to do what they wanted, they would either punish you severely, or give you the silent treatment. You had the impression that they only loved you when you PROVED your worth to them.
4. They liked to “get even” with you
When you did something “wrong” or against their will — even in the smallest way — they made sure they punished you. This petty and childish way of “getting even” may have been subtle or very obvious. For instance, they may have deliberately sabotaged something you cared about, broke something of yours, or hid something to get back at you.
5. They never respected your boundaries
There wasn’t any “private” space to call your own growing up. Your parent/s would go through your room and private belongings, without a thought, sometimes even using what they found against you.
6. They competed with you
If you ever got something nice, they took it from you, or got something nicer to “out-do” you.
7. They “owned” your accomplishments
Whenever someone complimented your achievements, your parent/s would instantly jump in and shift the attention to themselves. For example, if someone congratulated you for winning a soccer trophy, your parent/s would butt in and say something along the lines of, “Yes, she gets it from me. I was always athletic as a child.” They love the spotlight and frequently stole it from you.
8. They constantly lied to you
Your parent/s lied to manipulate, control and take advantage of you in some way, shape or form. You never knew what you could trust was “real” or truthful around them, or whether they were setting up a hidden trap for you to fall into.
9. They never listened to (or cared) about your feelings
You felt that you could never share your feelings with your parent/s because they would either make fun of you, or talk about themselves instead. Somehow, whatever issue you faced as a child was spun into a pity party for them, not you.
10. They constantly insulted you
Your parent/s berated, demeaned and harassed you on a constant basis. They may have even latched onto an insecurity of yours and used it to humiliate you.
11. They exerted explicit control over you
In other words, when you didn’t obey them, they would punish you. The message was very clear, “Obey me, or I’ll punish you.” You were punished through emotional or physical abuse including emotional blackmail, hitting or beating.
12. They gaslighted you
In order to control you, they used a psychological manipulation tactic known as gaslighting. What this means is that they would deliberately make you feel crazy, or cause you to doubt your sanity, in order to gain the upper hand. This led to the development of constant self-doubt during your childhood, adolescence and present life. Read more about gaslighting.
13. They “parentified” you
As a child, you were expected to “parent” your parent, or behave as a surrogate parent to cater for their needs, instead of them catering to yours.
14. They had a “favorite” or “golden” child
In your family there was the “golden” child and the “scapegoat” child. In other words, one child was seen as perfect and capable of doing no harm. The other child was seen as the black sheep, and the cause of all issues (this is also known as an identified patient). These roles could have also switched frequently.
15. They reacted intensely to any form of criticism
Did you ever criticise your mother or father? What was their general reaction? If your mother and/or father was a narcissist, they likely reacted in an extreme way. They would scream at you and likely physically hurt you through smacking, or some other method.
16. They projected their bad behavior onto you
For example, if you were in an argument, they would hysterically scream at you, “ How dare you talk to your mother that way. Go to your room. We’ll talk after you stop screaming at me.”
17. They never displayed any empathy
They never asked about your feelings, sympathized with you, or cared. They seemed to be solely interested in their own feelings.
18. They were infallibly correct and never wrong
Even when they made a mistake or treated you in an unfair, or unjust way, they never apologized for their mistake. When you confronted them about it, they denied all accusations and tried to spin the blame onto you.
19. They liked to present a perfect family image to outsiders
Your parent/s went to great lengths to ensure that others perceived you as a loving/successful/enviable family. Likely, you were very aware of this ploy, but kept silent for fear of wrath from your parent/s.
How to Confirm That You’re the Child of a Narcissist
After reading through this list of symptoms you might still be unsure of how to define your parent/s. That’s normal. Your narcissistic mother and/or father wouldn’t have exhibited all of the signs above (but if they did, pay attention).
If you’re the child of a narcissist, you will likely struggle with these problems:
- Codependency in other relationships
- Weak sense of self
- Poor interpersonal boundaries and inability to say “no”
- Chronic guilt or shame
- Self-loathing
- Emptiness
- Trust issues
- Inability to express or handle emotions
- Anxiety or depression
- Being a people-pleaser
What next?
If you’re quite sure that one, or both, of your parents was a narcissist, it’s likely that they still have some kind of involvement in your life. Many narcissist support groups recommend cutting off contact from such parents, or interacting them in small, measured ways (such as through a phone call, or text message).
To begin your process of soul healing, you might like to do the following:
- Stop hoping that your narcissistic parent will change — you can never change them.
- Allow yourself to grieve the parent you never had.
- Understand that you have been raised to suppress and deny your feelings. Now is a good opportunity to slowly open up to those years of repressed feelings. You can do this by seeking traditional psychotherapy that focuses on shadow work, or alternative methods such as shamanic healing, hypnotherapy, holistic remedies, etc.
- Learn to take care of your own needs through the practice of self-love.
- Reconnect with your inner child and learn how to care for it in a way your parents never could. This is called inner child work.
- Keep an active daily journal in which you self-reflect. This will help you become more self-aware.
- Explore soul retrieval, which is a vital part of soulwork.
- Express your emotions in a healthy way, particularly any anger you have inside.
- Join a support group and connect with others who have experienced similar childhood experiences. You can find many on Facebook, or you could search the internet for local groups.
While you may feel broken, it’s important to remember that you are not broken. Your soul can never be broken. It is still there, waiting for you to access. This experience only serves to show you that everything you need is within you. No matter what your childhood was like, it’s still possible to heal and reunite with that source of unconditional joy, wonder and love inside.
I hope this article supports your healing and growth. If you want to share your experience growing up with a narcissistic mother and/or father, please comment below. You’re welcome to keep your comment anonymous (by using our website’s comment system). Your email is always kept private.
Thank you for this article! It describes precisely what I went through with my mother. I recently moved into my own apartment and now I’m trying to process my past and move on. It’s not easy. I’m going to try psychotherapy but I haven’t found the courage to make the call yet. I feel lonely and lost but at the same time I can barely have people around me. Just going to work stresses me out. I feel like I don’t really know who I am. I only know that I hear the wild wolf within me calling ever more louder. I hope that reading, writing, yoga, painting and traveling to the wilderness of Canada will help me reconnect with my self. Thank you for your time.
Well, hello all my fellow kids of narcissistic parents, I just found this site and read many stories and related to many. I too just recently had my awakening that my mother is a narcissist. I am almost 50 and it took moving her in with my husband and I because she had been diagnosed with dementia and was unsafe to drive on her own at that point. She was with us for over 5 years until she needed constant supervision with the advancement of her dementia. It was hell.
I could write a novel on that alone but suffice it to say, she played me like a fiddle and pitted my brothers and I against each other, manipulated me by telling me neither of them wanted anything to do with caring for her so I took the bait. Now, I would love to say that the disease did that to her but it only made me backtrack through my life to realize it was always all about her! It was my normal though so I could not see nor think she was capable of these things. It took the dementia to exacerbate it so I could see it more clearly. Also, comparing notes with one brothers wife to find out all the things she told him about me that was not true that caused us to not speak to one another for years.
The other brother sexually abused me as a child and when I screwed up the nerve to tell her (as a child) she ignored it. She couldn’t handle it so she turned her back on me and that allowed the abuse to continue.
I am a textbook case.
Dad was an alcoholic and divorced Mom when I was 2.
Mom went back to work leaving me with my brothers.
I was abused physically, sexually and verbally by youngest brother.
I did terribly in school, got into trouble, hung out with the wrong crowd, did not care about myself, and was punished for my bad behavior. Mom hit me when she was mad enough, etc. etc.
My oldest brother died of an OD. He was my favorite.
Dysfunction junction all around.
Somehow, I turned out OK but it was on my own realizations that I was headed down the wrong path.
I tried patching things up with Mom as an adult and thought we were in an OK place finally. My mistake was falling for her BS and pity her for getting dementia. I wish so much I didn’t. These last 5 plus years has been a nightmare with her stirring the pot up again between my sicko brother and my other brother. Nothing was worth the hell and sacrificing I did to keep her from a nursing home as long as possible.
Now, she is there and I have decided to leave the state to put as much distance as I can from all this. All she can think about is herself. “I need this and I want that”, “take me with you” since all I am to her is her indentured servant.
God help me, I can’t stand her anymore. I now see how much damage she did and when I do see her, she just pisses me off with her selfish requests and insanity. I do not want to go down the rabbit hole with her. I want a chance at happiness for once in my life and as long as she is in my life, it’s not possible.
Recently, and with the affirmation from this article, I’ve come to the realization that my mom is very much a narcissist. My parents divorced when I was in the 3rd grade, and my dad abandoned all responsibility related to me, aside from what he was required by law to provide. Therefore, my mom was left to provide for me, but I’ve noticed that every time I’ve ever had an argument with her, she’d pull out the “think of all that I’ve done for you” card. That’s the main reason I’ve ended up here. We weren’t having small arguments either, these were arguments related to the fact that she couldn’t stay in her own damn lane.
She was one of the overbearing types of narcissists, and she still is. Even her only son resenting her hasn’t knocked any sense into her, which I find absolutely amazing, but I digress. In my early 20’s, she’d constantly want to know where I was and who I was with, despite me having a job, going to college, and being very independent by that point in all categories except financial. She’d make any attempt to hold that financial dependency over my head too. If I dated a girl she didn’t like, she’d take my car keys, phone, and anything else she might have paid for just so I couldn’t contact the girl, then she’d have my grandma drive me to and from school/work so that I couldn’t go anywhere else but those two places. What’s absolutely fucked is that neither my grandma nor anyone else in the family saw ANYTHING wrong with the fact that my mom was micromanaging the life of a guy in his 20’s. Sadly, it doesn’t stop there. I’d obviously taken to alcohol, cigarettes, and weed because I never felt even close to happy. I was depressed, always socially anxious, and plagued by suicidal thoughts, but substance abuse kept that in check as much as it could. My mom randomly searched my room once, found alcohol (which I hid because I knew she’d do exactly what she ended up doing), and threw it out. She also found weed, my pipe, and my bong in there one day and threw those out too. Well over $100 of shit that I paid for with my own money, gone, because my mom doesn’t believe in boundaries. She’d frequently mock me too by saying “if you were a real man, you’d be honest about the things you do”, so I took that to heart and lit up many a cigarette in front of her after that. She’d always demand that I give them to her so she could throw them out too, to which I’d respond by telling her to fuck herself since I paid for them and they were 100% legal for me to own. To add to all the bullshit, if we ever got into a bad argument or if she ever found any substance in my room, she’d call up the entire family to tell them about it. They’d usually respond by coming over and having some kind of intervention, which never worked. I saw them for who they truly were by that point, so nothing they said ever went into consideration. Even my mom’s boyfriend would often come over in those situations. The dude didn’t even live with us, yet he had the balls to show up and start yelling at me over whatever the issue was. After he was done with his bitching, he’d often close by saying, “I wish you were my kid so I could beat your ass” or something to that effect. I always wished he’d try it anyway, because he would’ve ended up dead; severely injured at the least. I kept a knife on me at all times, and I’ll be fucked if I’m going to be physically assaulted in my place of residence. Lucky for him, it never played out that way.
All that still just barely scratches the surface, but I’ve written enough already. Long story short: fuck my mom.
I am 57 years old. I have slowly become alerted to the fact my mum is a narcissist. The realisation has been gradual as I got older. I have tied myself in knots trying to do things and please this woman. Nothing I have ever done has got me the slightest bit of praise or gratitude. I am only ever judged by what she thinks I should of done, but didn’t. She always thinks the worst of me. I began to think something was wrong about 15 years ago. I always felt like I was an extension of her and not a person in my own right. It was like, oh here comes Lucy and her mum. I lost my identity. I seem to have the express role of being her personal assistant. My dad would even call me up telling me, ‘your mother wants to do so and so’. Which meant, he wanted me to do whatever it was with her because he didn’t want to. She has always made sure me and my sister have never been close. (She is worse than my mum, but I don’t see much of her at all and can deal with it) I notice my mum makes little disparaging comments about me when we are in a group of people. trying to make it look like she is a poor victim and I am mean to her. People have told me that she always implies I might be difficult about arrangements when really its her. Or, if she really doesn’t want to do something she throws me under the bus as the reason for not doing it. I have a daughter and I cannot understand on any level ever being like that with her. Why would someone want to hurt and bad mouth their own flesh and blood so badly? I suffer with anxiety and now realise she has been the source of it. I hate going to see her. I feel sick and anxious and my stomach churns. Although, I am getting much stronger. My father died 5 years ago and my husband and I have taken her on holiday with us about 38 or more times. A week here or a week end away somewhere. Most of the time paying for everything. And still she has a face like a slapped ass. However I have reached a point where I am done with it. And the sad truth is, I do not care if she knows either. She told me she doesn’t like it that I now stick up for myself…… Seriously, what mother wants a doormat for a daughter. She also likes to make out I am some kind of a monster and my family won’t stand up to me. She says she is the only one that stands up to me. I really don’t get why she says such things. I sometimes wonder if she says these things to me wishing it was my sister she was speaking to. Who is the total opposite of me and the mother she has had is so different to the mother I get. She’s subservient to her. She also has a respect for her that she has never had for me. And I told her this too. She was okay for a while but I note the spiteful mean comments have started appearing. Just today, in a shop full of people all around us, she told me my nose all red and shiny from me blowing it because I have a cold. She also copies me. My hair, my clothes and so does my sisters family. I have learnt not to tell my mum what we are going to do or have planned, because she discusses it with them and they try to do the exact same thing. Except, they make out it was their idea. So infuriating. Anyway, thanks for letting me blow off steam.
I don’t even know how I found this article, but I’m so glad I did. I’ve been so lost for so long. My mother was an addict, my father a criminal and I was raised by my father’s narcissistic mother, my narcissistic grandmother. I never realized until my 22 yr old daughter recently told me that my grandmother gas lights me. She is mentally abusive and manipulative. But in my mind, how could an 87 yr old grandma be like that still. But she is. I recently had to take her into my home to live with me because her 3 daughters want no part of it and I never understood why. UNTIL NOW. This has really opened my eyes. I’ve always jokingly said that I will never be free until my granny has passed away. It is a daily battle. I hope I can make it through this time with her living with me so I can find my lost soul. Thank you for such insight and knowledge. It has made me feel less alone tonight.
I am amazed! That is meant in more ways than one. Amazed that I have found out what has been going on my whole life, and amazed that I am not the only one that has experienced this. I am 55 years of age, divorced and have always has a messed up relationship with my mother. This explains it! Sadly, it explains why I allowed narcisisstic people in my life, but didn’t realize it until now. Just found out my mother contacted my ex-husband and revealed to him where I live because she is mad that I moved away. I messaged her that she is the one person who I thought would have my back. I know that over the years I would always try to make her feel like I loved and cared for her and all attempts were never good enough, I found it exhausting. Seriously, this has helped me realize what has been going on all my life. Thank you for this site!
This article has been incredibly helpful for me. Everything makes sense now. My Mother is a narcissist and I have recently come to the realisation of how my up bringing has shaped my perspective on life as an adult. I have always been a people pleaser and attracted narcissistic people mostly girls who would be my best friend, and they would control me through guilt, isolation and even put me down by galsighting me. I’ve finally realised my Mother did the same thing to me ever since I was a child and I guess in a twisted way I would seek these other girls because I searched for validation by pleasing people. My Mother would only ever show love when I did something to make her proud and then she would run out to show it off to people, she judges everyone and puts every one down and when I disagree she would give me the silent treatment for days even up to weeks. She has never apologised to me, and somehow I would always be apologising to her, my Dad had one rule for me and it was “Even if your Mother is wrong, she is still right”. At the moment she is absolutely embarrassed of me because I’m currently single and she’s annoyed that I won’t settle for the last guy I was with even though he was messaging other girls behind my back.
I think I’ve finally had enough. All I want is to be free to live my life and to not live for this woman. I love my Mother but I’m starting to learn to love myself, and because of this I’m going to distance myself and start the healing these wounds. Thank you Sol!! I wish I could explain how insightful and helpful this article was for me :)
I was in a relationship with a narcissistic as well as physically abusive man and after researching what it was i was dealing with i started to notice the same traits matched that of my mother..who i have always had a terrible relationship with, regardless how much i have tried to please her. I thought it was out of hatred for my father directed to me..but now as i have gotten older i realize she was being this way simply because thats who she is.. sick with this personality disorder.. as of tonight i am making a promise for me and my child that i will no longer allow her to control and manipulate our lives. Im releasing her..better yet finally escaping
My husband and I have struggled in our marriage for years and I couldn’t figure out why my husband just wouldn’t or couldn’t get his mother out of our business our marriage was falling apart. It was due to her constant interfering. At first I thought it was that simple she was just a medler and needed to be put in her place. Told to stay out of our marriage. But then I saw that my husband was allowing her to be in it and so I had told him to stop telling her anything and stop putting her in our marriage that it wasn’t any of her business. He of course didn’t stop and I could not figure out why he was like this until I started looking into mental illnesses and I read about this children that have been raised by narcissistic parents. And every single sign is exactly what I have seen from both parent and child. Now I’m at the point where I don’t have a clue how to fix this. How do I get my husband to get help and or recognize this for his self. He can’t change his mother but he can help him self to heal and put boundaries between him and his mother. How do I get my husband to see and recognize this problem which can be helped?
Go no contact . Its hard. Not going to lie. But its the only way .
32, mom of two girls, 8 & 5. And my mother has just today tried her sick twisted way of abusing me, through my children, even to the point of telling the oldest that I had abused her as a child (not true) But, today… I am taking a stand! Not today Satan! Today I am considering to be the first day of the rest of mine and my children’s lives with out my mother in it!!! Thank you so much! I finally have seen the light.
Your mother is just like mine, an Evil Cunt from Hell. She will ” go after ” anybody and everybody to poison them with her Evil. She has chosen your children!, to poison them and get back at you for rejecting her Evil. You and your children should ” disappaer “, move another city if nessesary and don’t tell anyone !
Good for you! I am from an entire family or narcissists that all used me as the scapegoat and also to manipulate each other into doing things, all I can say is protect them!
My husband and I are thinking about starting and a family and my first thought was how terrified I am of them doing to my children what they did to me. It’s not worth it.