Learning how to understand and make peace with your childhood is one of the most healing and empowering experiences you could ever go through.
As the son of a drug-addicted mother and totally absent father, I know how important it is to come to terms with your parent’s mental illness.
When we were children, we looked up to our parents for support, encouragement, nurturing and love. But when we were denied these things, we developed a variety of beliefs, behavioral patterns and coping mechanisms to help us survive in such a difficult environment. As adults, we often play out these same coping mechanisms, often to our own detriment.
The thing about being the child of a narcissistic mother and/or father is that it often contributes to something known in shamanic terminology as soul loss. Soul loss is the inability to contact or experience our souls due to the unresolved wounds, traumas and fears we’ve accumulated over the years.
The first step in healing this soul loss is to be willing to explore what you went through as a child. This process of exploring the narcissistic actions of your parent isn’t done to condemn them or to victimize yourself. Instead, this process is done to help you understand the root cause of any pain you’re still experiencing, to learn how to release it, and to move on with your life. This becomes a strengthening and rejuvenating process.
19 Signs You Had a Narcissistic Mother and/or Father
The thing about having a narcissistic mother and/or father is that you have been taught to believe that you are the crazy and imbalanced one, instead of them. This causes you to constantly doubt yourself and any feelings you have about them.
Another major sign of being raised by narcissists is the constant guilt you struggle with. In other words, while you might suspect that there is something “off” with your parents, you feel ashamed to think about them in such a way, and you tend to start beating yourself up instead.
But there is a very good reason why you’ve come to this article. And while you may still have lingering doubts, I hope the following information can clear your mind.
Firstly, you should know that there are two main kinds of narcissists:
- Engulfing Narcissists — these are parents who see their children as extensions of themselves. In other words, engulfing narcissistic parents become obsessively involved in your life to an extreme extent. They don’t respect your boundaries or acknowledge you as a separate person.
- Ignoring Narcissists — these are parents who have very little interest in their children. Ignoring narcissists clearly see the boundary between themselves and their children. As a result, they neglect to take care of their children or show an active interest in their lives.
Here are 19 major signs that you had a narcissistic mother and/or father:
1. They tried to control you through codependency
In other words, you were told by your parent/s, “Don’t leave me. I need you. I can’t live without you.” This made it impossible for you to live an autonomous life or establish independent priorities other than catering to the needs of your parent/s.
2. They laid on the guilt thick
Another method of controlling you was to constantly guilt trip you into doing what they wanted. They may have told you, “I’ve done so much for you, I’ve sacrificed everything for you.” As a result, you felt indebted to them and as though you “owed” them complete obedience.
3. They only loved you when you did what THEY wanted
Your parent/s withdrew love very easily. If you failed to do what they wanted, they would either punish you severely, or give you the silent treatment. You had the impression that they only loved you when you PROVED your worth to them.
4. They liked to “get even” with you
When you did something “wrong” or against their will — even in the smallest way — they made sure they punished you. This petty and childish way of “getting even” may have been subtle or very obvious. For instance, they may have deliberately sabotaged something you cared about, broke something of yours, or hid something to get back at you.
5. They never respected your boundaries
There wasn’t any “private” space to call your own growing up. Your parent/s would go through your room and private belongings, without a thought, sometimes even using what they found against you.
6. They competed with you
If you ever got something nice, they took it from you, or got something nicer to “out-do” you.
7. They “owned” your accomplishments
Whenever someone complimented your achievements, your parent/s would instantly jump in and shift the attention to themselves. For example, if someone congratulated you for winning a soccer trophy, your parent/s would butt in and say something along the lines of, “Yes, she gets it from me. I was always athletic as a child.” They love the spotlight and frequently stole it from you.
8. They constantly lied to you
Your parent/s lied to manipulate, control and take advantage of you in some way, shape or form. You never knew what you could trust was “real” or truthful around them, or whether they were setting up a hidden trap for you to fall into.
9. They never listened to (or cared) about your feelings
You felt that you could never share your feelings with your parent/s because they would either make fun of you, or talk about themselves instead. Somehow, whatever issue you faced as a child was spun into a pity party for them, not you.
10. They constantly insulted you
Your parent/s berated, demeaned and harassed you on a constant basis. They may have even latched onto an insecurity of yours and used it to humiliate you.
11. They exerted explicit control over you
In other words, when you didn’t obey them, they would punish you. The message was very clear, “Obey me, or I’ll punish you.” You were punished through emotional or physical abuse including emotional blackmail, hitting or beating.
12. They gaslighted you
In order to control you, they used a psychological manipulation tactic known as gaslighting. What this means is that they would deliberately make you feel crazy, or cause you to doubt your sanity, in order to gain the upper hand. This led to the development of constant self-doubt during your childhood, adolescence and present life. Read more about gaslighting.
13. They “parentified” you
As a child, you were expected to “parent” your parent, or behave as a surrogate parent to cater for their needs, instead of them catering to yours.
14. They had a “favorite” or “golden” child
In your family there was the “golden” child and the “scapegoat” child. In other words, one child was seen as perfect and capable of doing no harm. The other child was seen as the black sheep, and the cause of all issues (this is also known as an identified patient). These roles could have also switched frequently.
15. They reacted intensely to any form of criticism
Did you ever criticise your mother or father? What was their general reaction? If your mother and/or father was a narcissist, they likely reacted in an extreme way. They would scream at you and likely physically hurt you through smacking, or some other method.
16. They projected their bad behavior onto you
For example, if you were in an argument, they would hysterically scream at you, “ How dare you talk to your mother that way. Go to your room. We’ll talk after you stop screaming at me.”
17. They never displayed any empathy
They never asked about your feelings, sympathized with you, or cared. They seemed to be solely interested in their own feelings.
18. They were infallibly correct and never wrong
Even when they made a mistake or treated you in an unfair, or unjust way, they never apologized for their mistake. When you confronted them about it, they denied all accusations and tried to spin the blame onto you.
19. They liked to present a perfect family image to outsiders
Your parent/s went to great lengths to ensure that others perceived you as a loving/successful/enviable family. Likely, you were very aware of this ploy, but kept silent for fear of wrath from your parent/s.
How to Confirm That You’re the Child of a Narcissist
After reading through this list of symptoms you might still be unsure of how to define your parent/s. That’s normal. Your narcissistic mother and/or father wouldn’t have exhibited all of the signs above (but if they did, pay attention).
If you’re the child of a narcissist, you will likely struggle with these problems:
- Codependency in other relationships
- Weak sense of self
- Poor interpersonal boundaries and inability to say “no”
- Chronic guilt or shame
- Self-loathing
- Emptiness
- Trust issues
- Inability to express or handle emotions
- Anxiety or depression
- Being a people-pleaser
What next?
If you’re quite sure that one, or both, of your parents was a narcissist, it’s likely that they still have some kind of involvement in your life. Many narcissist support groups recommend cutting off contact from such parents, or interacting them in small, measured ways (such as through a phone call, or text message).
To begin your process of soul healing, you might like to do the following:
- Stop hoping that your narcissistic parent will change — you can never change them.
- Allow yourself to grieve the parent you never had.
- Understand that you have been raised to suppress and deny your feelings. Now is a good opportunity to slowly open up to those years of repressed feelings. You can do this by seeking traditional psychotherapy that focuses on shadow work, or alternative methods such as shamanic healing, hypnotherapy, holistic remedies, etc.
- Learn to take care of your own needs through the practice of self-love.
- Reconnect with your inner child and learn how to care for it in a way your parents never could. This is called inner child work.
- Keep an active daily journal in which you self-reflect. This will help you become more self-aware.
- Explore soul retrieval, which is a vital part of soulwork.
- Express your emotions in a healthy way, particularly any anger you have inside.
- Join a support group and connect with others who have experienced similar childhood experiences. You can find many on Facebook, or you could search the internet for local groups.
While you may feel broken, it’s important to remember that you are not broken. Your soul can never be broken. It is still there, waiting for you to access. This experience only serves to show you that everything you need is within you. No matter what your childhood was like, it’s still possible to heal and reunite with that source of unconditional joy, wonder and love inside.
I hope this article supports your healing and growth. If you want to share your experience growing up with a narcissistic mother and/or father, please comment below. You’re welcome to keep your comment anonymous (by using our website’s comment system). Your email is always kept private.
I am a 36 year old female. I was adopted from South Korea at the age of 17 months . For the last 5 or so years, I have been privately going to adoption conferences and trying to fix my abandonment / attachment issues. I haven’t been able to speak to my adoptive parents about this, because they don’t talk to me about anything.
During my self help work, I had thought that my guilt and shame all stemmed from my adoption. It wasn’t until New Years dinner at my in-laws house when my Dad blindsided me before dinner. I had just arrived, and my Dad sees me outside of the house. He came over to me and said, “Don’t say anything to upset your Mother today.”
I was shocked, I had no clue how to respond. I had to endure an entire dinner sitting beside him and across from my Mom. It was awful. I had to excuse myself toward the end of dinner to go cry in the bathroom. It was just too much.
I had never ever considered my Mom to be a narcissist. She has extremely poor self esteem and she does not boast about herself… My Dad’s words hurt me so badly that I found myself sobbing in the shower for no reason at all. Desperate to find some answers and to heal my pain, I did some research and stumbled upon several narcissistic traits that described my Mom. The fog has finally been lifted. I can clearly see my Parents for what they are; a Narcissist and a Co-Dependent.
It’s been over a month and I’ve decided to go No Contact with both until I can decide how to move on from feeling hopeless.
So how does two narssaitic parents raise another psychopath~narc? I’m married to a man that acts just like his highly toxic mom. caters to her like shes a god. he also picked up all his dads addictions and vices. What thoughts do you have on that.
My in-laws were both narcissists. My former mother-in-law was an engulfing narc while my former father-in-law was the ignoring type. I’m pretty sure he was an engulfing one to my former wife as she was growing up but my former mother-in-law was much, much worse. She had 90% of the signs mentioned in this list. Sadly, she passed them on to my former wife, and she too became a narcissist. It took me many years to realize what my former wife and in-laws were.
When I tried to assert boundaries and go no contact with my narc in-laws my ex and her family REFUSED to respect my wishes. My former wife kept telling me to ‘just put up with them’ and insisted that I have a relationship with them no matter what they did to me. She allowed them to emotionally verbally and financially abuse me and always chose them (and her brother and nephews) ahead of me. To some extent I am sure this was expected of her, especially by her mother. My former wife wouldn’t listen to me and took her mother’s side if I stood up to her. I’m convinced that my former wife was made the scapegoat by her mother and grew tired of it, so she made ME into the scapegoat.
In order to assert boundaries, I had to walk away from my marriage. I have been on my own for a year now and am the happiest I have been in a long time. Even after divorce was filed, my ex continues to violate boundaries by sending things through the mail.
This article is an absolute godsend. Thank you for posting. It may be too.late for me but it is not too late for many others who I hope will see this and get out of abusive relationships with narcissistic parents.
Oh I know how hellish this can be. This sounds like my story. My husband was kicking me out of our bed 1 week after our honeymoon because I asked opposed him spending time and money helping his family during our 2nd week of marriage. ‘Family of origin’ + unhealthy soul ties with family members will wreck your life. It’s taken me to long to figure this out…
OMG I can relate to all 19 points. I have done a lot of life coach lessons to heal most of my hurts. But 1 thing kept burping up was why doesn’t mom love me. I’m the black sheep, my sister is the golden child. Mom would give me attention when my sister wasn’t there, she lived in either San Diago or Maui I lived in BC Canada, same town as mom. When sister was in town I was invisible. My sister is blatantly narcissistic, she’s been calling me a f##king asshole since I can remember. She is 9 yrs older. My mom, now deceased, would talk about things that her horrible child (me) did like wearing her shoes as a toddler, going to visit the neighbors as a 2 1/2 yr old I was supposed to understand that she didn’t like associating with the neighbors. I’m in my early 60’s now and stumbled across this information and I believe I can finally put away the pain of being a scapegoat. I always wondered why I am so damned loyal to that family when they treat me like poop. I’m going to heal and take my power back. The last and final hurt was my mother left everything to my sister when she died I wasn’t even mentioned. The final stab of the knife! I’ll recover, I already don’t have contact anymore so that’s good. Good luck to all of us getting our power back. Bless you!
My Mother died last year after moving here 3 years ago to be closer to her. My father had died 3 years ago and I wanted to make memories and help her as I could. I did manage a few memories. Mostly helping her do gardening or cutting her toenails then it was dismiss me after she was done. Then have her complain to my other perfect sister how I could not help her more because I was too poor for the gas. I also didn’t want to come and be picked on. The whole visit was her telling me how fat I was and how to fix me. When she died my sisters went thru and got what they wanted and gave me a few things they didnt want. They refused to give me a copy of her DC or will. Saying I might steal her identity or fake a will. (never been arrested or done anything like this as an adult and I am 58.) I was done. I let the rest of the family go. Especially when my son hung himself 4 months later and they didn’t even call me. I have also figured from this article that I adopted some toxic ways myself. I am not Narcisstic (am empathic actually.) but I have still learned some toxic behaviors from them and I have been working on deleting unfair debate styles. No more guilt tripping or pity trips. I am growing and I am a survivor. No I am a warrior. I will fight for my kids and my loved ones and for me!
Wow, My life exactly, my brother stole everything, he was the golden child, and I was the black sheep. two parallel lives, sad, but I know we are better off. Bless your heart and only positive thoughts to you..TinaMarie
I have a friend who told me that her mother is a narcissist. She’s a psychologist, so she would be able to recognise it. But I don’t know if I really believe that more than one or two of the items on this list applied to my own Mum. Inability to accept being divorced, unwillingness to accept help, rendered helpless with rage towards my father? Certainly. Dictated a letter for me to type out so that she could send it to him in a fit of pique? That too. And yes, she was rarely wrong. Only very recently have I realised that I’ve missed out on a lot of time with my Dad, and that Mum did her level best to torpedo my relationship with him. She even quit counselling, claiming that she had been called a bad wife. I wish I’d been a bit better at answering back to her. The b**chy little comments about my appearance and mental health. Life has taken a lot of wrong turns. Very little is where or how it should be. It sucks.
I posted it on reddit as well but sadly no one paid any attention . I don’t know if I can still can them narcissistic or not . So I am posting it here and asking for help :
My life has been up and down lately and if we look at the recent events it is mostly down , I got into a good college for undergrad degree in engineering and then things went south and I failed in my first year at college . It happened because I completely screwed up during college and made bad decisions while making friends . They got me into alcohol and weed . As the news reached my home , all hell broke loose . My mom was crying all around the house telling everyone on phone that I have failed . This is the thing I hate most about my parents they have never acknowledged my achievements whatever little I have had till now and are the first one to broadcast my failiures to the world ,
I returned to my home thinking it would be better if I attempt the first year again and just go there for giving exams . My college has this option that if you fail any year then you can apply for the same year and only come to give theory exams and practical exams . I thought this would be a better option than taking re-admission and going through everything all over again . I was also ashamed of myself and was not ready to face the world at that time . This was a major reason why I decided against re-admission , I was so wrong .
Well , I came back home and started preparations again . But my parents didn’t want to me take a minute of rest . According to them I should study for the entire 24 hours as I have failed and I deserve no enjoyment in life . When everything was going good , they used to take me movies and we used to go eating out every now and then . But now everything has changed , I don’t know which one was the last movie I saw . It doesn’t concern me even because I am not a movie person . They say they won’t buy those expensive clothes for me or any gadgets anymore as I have failed . To be honest , I don’t even care about fancy clothes or movies or gadgets . The only thing that concerns me and hits me hard is that I was only good till I was giving them results . Is my value only worth the marks I get ? I realized this on the shopping mall while shopping with my family the other day and I almost broke down to see what I have done to my life .
Constant humiliations , comparisons and scolding is normal everyday . They tell me I am a worthless piece of shit and I wont be able to do anything in life and they were better off if I was not born . I wake up and go to sleep hearing the same things everyday . I try to fight back and say stuff when I cant take it at some point but its of no use . To them even a street dog is better compared to me . They take away my each and everything that I have because it ” distracts ” me and they think their constant judgemental talks about me is some sort of ” motivation ” . For starters , they took away my mobile and laptop as they were the ” prime ” cause of distraction . I tried reading books to pass some time and take a break and had to hide them in between books so that my parents don’t see it . But one day my mom caught that as well and took it away from me . I had to fight to keep my headphones with me as they are wireless and I can listen to them with my phone being in their room . But that also after a lot of assurance that it wont distract me and I only use it to listen podcasts . I have trouble sleeping at night so I keep my headphones on but whenever they see me doing that they take it away from me , And yes by the way I sleep in my parents bedroom because my mom thinks I will commit suicide . I haven’t done any suicide attempts in the past to make it clear to the people reading this .
My parents have this fear that I will commit suicide and only try to comfort me when I say it bluntly that I will commit suicide . I have to cry to make them understand my situation because they don’t care till I cry . Other than that they try to say the most demeaning thing they can come up with . They have even said that I should become a janitor with all seriousness and told my father to look out for any jobs if there were nearby . They have made my apply for another degree side by side just as a backup if I fail again . I dont know how I will study for two entirely different degree courses at a time but my parents dont care . They just want me to get a job and start earning asap .My mom says that she will get me married because according to her I use the phone to only watch porn and this will solve the problem . Yes , this kind of stuff I have to hear on a daily basis and sometimes even worse . This is nothing . I live in India and I have no other options other than to live with my parents till I get a job and start earning on my own , we don’t have that culture of working while being students unlike in other western countries . My sister warned me about all this few years back and she always used to tell me to study hard and get out this house . She used to tell me how happy the life is and what it feels to be independent . I didn’t understand her words back then as I was small but I guess it all makes sense . I truly enjoyed my first year at college . Living with new friends and all sorts of independence was really a great experience . It’s sad that I let things out of my hand and now I am here . And I don’t think I will ever be able to get all that back as my parents have said that they will buy a house or take on rent in the same city where the college is so that I go college and come to home straight after college ends .
Things at college are also not very good . All the friends I made back when I met them , only a few have them have remained with me . The list of friends is decreasing day by day . My phone remains silent all the time with no unreads . I don’t care but it still hurts somewhere deep down there , I also joined an online psychiatrist website but sadly it was of no use . One of the department’s professor in my college said bad things about my community as I come from minority community in India . They also made fun of my handicapped friend who also failed an year and they said that he is good for nothing , why is he even here ? I found 3 people here who got failed the same year and we all have different struggles but one thing unites is that no matter what we are still fighting . One is a girl and other two are boys . Me and the boys became friends and we share our stories and try to comfort each other in this sad time . Friends have been supportive and don’t bring up the topic and situation when we meet . Some of them even comfort us and tell us that we have been so strong despite all that is happening around us . I don’t want any sympathies and I am only doing this to correct my past but still I appreciate them for doing that . I came back home after giving the exams and the first thing my mom asked that how were the exams . She used to ask everyday while I was back at college and now the first thing when I set foot in my house I have to hear it again . She didnt ask if I ate anything that day or not because I clearly didnt eat anything that day . All this hurts . I am just some worth some numbers and grades to her .
I have been getting negative vibes recently and I am doing my best to fight those . Every day seems like a gloomy day and there is a defeaning silence in the house everytime . The only time the silence breaks is when my parents are on a call , talking between themselves or are saying stuff to me . But I dont know for how long I will keep doing this . I know suicide is not an option but I dont know how much long I have till it becomes my only option .
PS : I have missed out on a lot things I had to tell but everything is not possible to describe what I am going through since the last 2 years .
If you need anyone to talk to , don’t hesitate to contact me. Your never alone , I had a rough childhood and now I’m 24 , and life gets so much better. Seriously, email me if you need someone to talk too.
Saravanderwyst95@gmail.com
Saravanderwyst95@gmail.com
Satyam I wish you all the best. I hope you can keep strong and achieve your dreams and goals. I grew up in a culture like this and its rough sometimes but you have to keep believing you can be better
Satyam, never give up. Sometimes we have to learn to stop trying to get water from a dry well; it might be heart-breaking, but if your parents cannot give you the respect and love that you need and deserve, an important first step might be simply to understand that you will not get those things from them. It can be very difficult to move through all the grief required to accept this, but you are not alone. You can find respect and love–from yourself and from others who are willing to give you a proper chance.
I tell myself the following: I know myself. I believe myself. I trust myself. I respect myself. I love myself. Never give up.