Learning how to understand and make peace with your childhood is one of the most healing and empowering experiences you could ever go through.
As the son of a drug-addicted mother and totally absent father, I know how important it is to come to terms with your parent’s mental illness.
When we were children, we looked up to our parents for support, encouragement, nurturing and love. But when we were denied these things, we developed a variety of beliefs, behavioral patterns and coping mechanisms to help us survive in such a difficult environment. As adults, we often play out these same coping mechanisms, often to our own detriment.
The thing about being the child of a narcissistic mother and/or father is that it often contributes to something known in shamanic terminology as soul loss. Soul loss is the inability to contact or experience our souls due to the unresolved wounds, traumas and fears we’ve accumulated over the years.
The first step in healing this soul loss is to be willing to explore what you went through as a child. This process of exploring the narcissistic actions of your parent isn’t done to condemn them or to victimise yourself. Instead, this process is done to help you understand the root cause of any pain you’re still experiencing, to learn how to release it, and to move on with your life. This becomes a strengthening and rejuvenating process.
19 Signs You Had a Narcissistic Mother and/or Father
The thing about having a narcissistic mother and/or father is that you have been taught to believe that you are the crazy and imbalanced one, instead of them. This causes you to constantly doubt yourself and any feelings you have about them.
Another major sign of being raised by narcissists is the constant guilt you struggle with. In other words, while you might suspect that there is something “off” with your parents, you feel ashamed to think about them in such a way, and you tend to start beating yourself up instead.
But there is a very good reason why you’ve come to this article. And while you may still have lingering doubts, I hope the following information can clear your mind.
Firstly, you should know that there are two main kinds of narcissists:
- Engulfing Narcissists — these are parents who see their children as extensions of themselves. In other words, engulfing narcissistic parents become obsessively involved in your life to an extreme extent. They don’t respect your boundaries or acknowledge you as a separate person.
- Ignoring Narcissists — these are parents who have very little interest in their children. Ignoring narcissists clearly see the boundary between themselves and their children. As a result, they neglect to take care of their children or show an active interest in their lives.
Here are 19 major signs that you had a narcissistic mother and/or father:
1. They tried to control you through codependency.
In other words, you were told by your parent/s, “Don’t leave me. I need you. I can’t live without you.” This made it impossible for you to live an autonomous life or establish independent priorities other than catering to the needs of your parent/s.
2. They laid on the guilt thick.
Another method of controlling you was to constantly guilt trip you into doing what they wanted. They may have told you, “I’ve done so much for you, I’ve sacrificed everything for you.” As a result, you felt indebted to them and as though you “owed” them complete obedience.
3. They only loved you when you did what THEY wanted.
Your parent/s withdrew love very easily. If you failed to do what they wanted, they would either punish you severely, or give you the silent treatment. You had the impression that they only loved you when you PROVED your worth to them.
4. They liked to “get even” with you.
When you did something “wrong” or against their will — even in the smallest way — they made sure they punished you. This petty and childish way of “getting even” may have been subtle or very obvious. For instance, they may have deliberately sabotaged something you cared about, broke something of yours, or hid something to get back at you.
5. They never respected your boundaries.
There wasn’t any “private” space to call your own growing up. Your parent/s would go through your room and private belongings, without a thought, sometimes even using what they found against you.
6. They competed with you.
If you ever got something nice, they took it from you, or got something nicer to “out-do” you.
7. They “owned” your accomplishments.
Whenever someone complimented your achievements, your parent/s would instantly jump in and shift the attention to themselves. For example, if someone congratulated you for winning a soccer trophy, your parent/s would butt in and say something along the lines of, “Yes, she gets it from me. I was always athletic as a child.” They love the spotlight and frequently stole it from you.
8. They constantly lied to you.
Your parent/s lied to manipulate, control and take advantage of you in some way, shape or form. You never knew what you could trust was “real” or truthful around them, or whether they were setting up a hidden trap for you to fall into.
9. They never listened to (or cared) about your feelings.
You felt that you could never share your feelings with your parent/s because they would either make fun of you, or talk about themselves instead. Somehow, whatever issue you faced as a child was spun into a pity party for them, not you.
10. They constantly insulted you.
Your parent/s berated, demeaned and harassed you on a constant basis. They may have even latched onto an insecurity of yours and used it to humiliate you.
11. They exerted explicit control over you.
In other words, when you didn’t obey them, they would punish you. The message was very clear, “Obey me, or I’ll punish you.” You were punished through emotional or physical abuse including emotional blackmail, hitting or beating.
12. They gaslighted you.
In order to control you, they used a psychological manipulation tactic known as gaslighting. What this means is that they would deliberately make you feel crazy, or cause you to doubt your sanity, in order to gain the upper hand. This led to the development of constant self-doubt during your childhood, adolescence and present life. Read more about gaslighting.
13. They “parentified” you.
As a child, you were expected to “parent” your parent, or behave as a surrogate parent to cater for their needs, instead of them catering to yours.
14. They had a “favorite” or “golden” child.
In your family there was the “golden” child and the “scapegoat” child. In other words, one child was seen as perfect and capable of doing no harm. The other child was seen as the black sheep, and the cause of all issues (this is also known as an identified patient). These roles could have also switched frequently.
15. They reacted intensely to any form of criticism.
Did you ever criticise your mother or father? What was their general reaction? If your mother and/or father was a narcissist, they likely reacted in an extreme way. They would scream at you and likely physically hurt you through smacking, or some other method.
16. They projected their bad behavior onto you.
For example, if you were in an argument, they would hysterically scream at you, “ How dare you talk to your mother that way. Go to your room. We’ll talk after you stop screaming at me.”
17. They never displayed any empathy.
They never asked about your feelings, sympathised with you, or cared. They seemed to be solely interested in their own feelings.
18. They were infallibly correct and never wrong.
Even when they made a mistake or treated you in an unfair, or unjust way, they never apologised for their mistake. When you confronted them about it, they denied all accusations and tried to spin the blame onto you.
19. They liked to present a perfect family image to outsiders.
Your parent/s went to great lengths to ensure that others perceived you as a loving/successful/enviable family. Likely, you were very aware of this ploy, but kept silent for fear of wrath from your parent/s.
How to Confirm That You’re the Child of a Narcissist
After reading through this list of symptoms you might still be unsure of how to define your parent/s. That’s normal. Your narcissistic mother and/or father wouldn’t have exhibited all of the signs above (but if they did, pay attention).
If you’re the child of a narcissist, you will likely struggle with these problems:
- Codependency in other relationships
- Weak sense of self
- Poor interpersonal boundaries and inability to say “no”
- Chronic guilt or shame
- Self-loathing
- Emptiness
- Trust issues
- Inability to express or handle emotions
- Anxiety or depression
- Being a people-pleaser
What next?
If you’re quite sure that one, or both, of your parents was a narcissist, it’s likely that they still have some kind of involvement in your life. Many narcissist support groups recommend cutting off contact from such parents, or interacting them in small, measured ways (such as through a phone call, or text message).
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To begin your process of soul healing, you might like to do the following:
- Stop hoping that your narcissistic parent will change — you can never change them.
- Allow yourself to grieve the parent you never had.
- Understand that you have been raised to suppress and deny your feelings. Now is a good opportunity to slowly open up to those years of repressed feelings. You can do this through seeking traditional psychotherapy, or alternative methods such as shamanic healing, hynotherapy, holistic remedies, etc.
- Learn to take care of your own needs through the practice of self-love.
- Reconnect with your inner child and learn how to care for it in a way your parents never could. This is called inner child work.
- Keep an active daily journal in which you self-reflect. This will help you become more self-aware.
- Explore soul retrieval, which is a vital part of soulwork.
- Express your emotions in a healthy way, particularly any anger you have inside.
- Join a support group and connect with others who have experienced similar childhood experiences. You can find many on Facebook, or you could search the internet for local groups.
While you may feel broken, it’s important to remember that you are not broken. Your soul can never be broken. It is still there, waiting for you to access. This experience only serves to show you that everything you need is within you. No matter what your childhood was like, it’s still possible to heal and reunite with that source of unconditional joy, wonder and love inside.
I hope this article supports your healing and growth. If you want to share your experience growing up with a narcissistic mother and/or father, please comment below. You’re welcome to keep your comment anonymous (using the Diqus comments). Your email is always kept private.
I think its wickedness and my whole family turned against me, especially my mother that destroys my name. To them, i am useless with no direction in life but outside they pretend to be perfect family and people think i am the problem of the family. But in the inside i refused to be controled by their selfish desires. Its either i do not understand or am nt getting it right.They make me feel worthless even till now.
Well, my mom shifted between engulfing and ignoring, depending on which child was in favor each day. If you were performing well in school, for example, you had her approval, and were engulfed. But report cards came out, and all four of mom’s kids had A’s and B’s, but only one of us was singled out as the star pupil; the others were ignored. That was usually my brother or middle sister, so I figured I mustn’t be terribly bright myself. But I scored in the 99.997 percentile in my PSAT, and was stunned to learn I outscored all my siblings, and got flooded with college scholarship offers. And mom ignored all that, especially when I failed to major in nursing as she “suggested” all grateful daughters should do for their mom, who gave up “everything” for her kids. It took me years to understand that was the dynamic in play, as I hadn’t noticed things like how many fewer college scholarships were offered to my siblings at the time. And I was actually in my end of junior year in college when I discovered that my mom had no idea what my major was, she just tuned out the moment I said I wasn’t going to be a nurse. It’s so weird, especially when you consider that I was living at my parent’s house during college, and my engineering books were everywhere, how could she not know?
after reading this precisely accurate article, it feels like i’ve opened a part of myself that i’ve never wanted to come into terms with. i’m 16 but as i got older i realized that i was different. i’ve always felt like the odd one out and i could never figure out why. i’ve always known that my parents were different somehow, but i never thought of it as a horrible thing. whenever they would lecture me, i would always ALWAYS feel guilty to the point where it would it eat at my consciousness. I would always think that ‘they’re right. i’m not doing enough. i’m not ENOUGH.’ but now, it has reached such dangerous heights that it’s affecting my personal growth. i’m always second guessing myself and my own opinions because i’ve never had a chance to share my thoughts with my parents. i’ve always found it so difficult to keep in touch with my true self. my parents tell me that i can talk to them, they say they want me to tell them anything i’m feeling but when i do, they tell me that i’m just a kid and that i’m extremely ungrateful to feel that way. at one point, after my mother had shown me the list of bills she has to pay every month, she told me ‘see, your problems aren’t even that big of a deal. there are worst things to be dealing with.’ and from then, i knew that i could never have that type of comfortable relationship with my parents. i’ve tried to keep a journal but they went through my room and found it, read all of the things i couldn’t say to them and lashed their anger out on me, asking me why i felt that way but never giving me the help that i needed. instead, it only increased their disappointment in me. at one point, i inflicted harm upon myself. it angered me that i was feeling so much emotion inside that i didn’t see anything tangible for me to be able to control it. and when my mother saw the cuts and scars, i didn’t see concern or empathy. i saw disbelief and pure anger and confusion. at the time, i convinced myself that it was extremely out of line for me to do something like that to myself and have my parents find out because of the reaction that came from them. my parents told me that it was incredibly selfish of me and that ‘i was only looking for attention.’ and when i did it again, my mother told me that the next time i do it that i should ‘cut deeper.’
there have been times when i’ve felt i’ve become better. that i’ve grown from the broken roots of my childhood and that i’m able to disregard their abusive words that hit me everyday. but as i’ve been ignoring the past and how much hurt it has caused me in order for me to become the person i’ve always wanted to be, i realized that i’m only prolonging the pain. which is why it hit me so hard and so deeply after i read this article.
i know that i should confront the issue and tell my parents how i feel. i want to be angry but at the same time, there’s guilt gnawing at me for feeling this way. my mother is the strongest person i know. she’s sacrificed so much for me that i feel so pressured to meet her expectations to show her my gratitude. but she’s made me feel like she’s living through my life vicariously; like i am supposed to be like her. while my dad has a hard time finding his own voice, he turns his feelings to me by unnecessary yelling and anger. but at the end of the day, he’s the same dad he was when i was a kid: sweet, caring, understanding. and then i’m reeled back to him because i remind myself that he is still my dad. i’m tired of feeling this way. i’m tired of having to deal with my parents and knowing that nothing will change.
My Mother is a narcissist . There were 3 children, I am the oldest, my sister the youngest & my brother in the middle.
My father died before I was born but my step father was a good man & often rescued me from abuse.
I believe that her mother was a narcissist as well because she was very cruel t & abusive to my mother &(who was the youngest) & praised her sister (who was the oldest) My mother made me feel that I was worthless & no one would ever love me. She repeatedly told me to kill myself & tried to drive a wedge between my sister & I, she threw things at me including knives & I missed a lot of school because I would have to run the household while she was repeatedly hospitalized! ( I was only 10 or 11) As a result I grew up with suicidal thoughts & let everyone walk all over me, I couldn’t say ” No ” to anyone & this made it easy for people to take advantage of me & they did!! My sister & I have always had a complicated relationship, she has an explosive temper & has been at mothers beck & call for most of her life! When I turned 50 I finally had enough, this had affected my health in an extremely bad way as well as my relationships! I over compensated with my own children to make sure the knew how much they were loved. For the past 10 years I have been putting distance between my mother & myself only visiting her on birthdays & holidays & I have had to do the same with my sister now as well since her judgmental personality & explosive temper have been causing to be become very ill!
I love my sister & I feel sad for my mother but I can no longer allow them to have what little of my life that I have left! If you are in the same situation I heed you not to wait as long as I did !!
never underestimate what working away from children will do to them. I know you’re trying to provide, maybe chasing better money so you can pay the house off etc… pay for education etc. I would rather be homeless and have a full time parent than some neurotic narcissist for a mother caring for us whilst dad worked away…
I realise it isn’t their fault though, i’m one of those nutbags that blames our society and the things that have let the working man down.
Hi to all the survivors!
Wow I thought I had it bad lol. I read some of these posts and think how terrible everyone has suffered. It breaks my heart reading some of these posts.
My mom has symptoms of Munchausin Syndrome by Proxy. According to two of my cousins who are nurses they diagnosed my mother with it and I have to agree. She found a doctor who put me on meds I shouldn’t have been on which eventually gave me seizures and almost killed me. I lost most of my twenties but survived and here I am almost 50 and now I’m caring for her in my home. Along with narcissism, alcoholism, and obsessive behaviour, she goes to church daily. I don’t even know where to begin. I’m an only child and thank god for that! I’ve grown up with guilt, a father who I believe had Aspergers or autism and was her puppet. He’s dead now thankfully. If she said it was green he’d say it was green and although he held down jobs and had the outside world believing he was normal and he had friends at work, he’d come home and be depressed, and angry and drink and would side with her on everything and anything. He didn’t give a crap about his daughter, in fact I think he hated me. Most of my friends thought he was odd, and looking back he was odd. They would always ask me what was wrong with him.
My mom wants “Amazing Grace” played at her funeral. Let me tell you I’m playing I’m a Survivor song by Destiny’s Child. :)
There are so many great points made on this sight it has inspired me to start to plan an exit out. It’s time. I will talk with my ever supportive hubby about it tonight. I think 1 year is adequate. She’s 85 now, she can live out the rest of her life in a nursing home which I know she’ll dread but I owe her nothing. I’ve already done more than most people would.
I was raised by a narcissistic father and a doormat mother. My father was absent most of the time, physically and emotionally. He had many affairs with other women and belittled my mother on a daily basis. She wouldn’t fight back which led to the three of us children losing our respect for her, which is sad because she really was a lovely lady. My father would find my insecurities and point them out, making me feel that I was unattractive, which in turn made me extremely shy around everyone except my best friends. Then he would point out my shyness and act as if I was just weird. At the same time he criticized my brother and was in constant competition with him. This continued through adulthood. I am not sure about my younger sister, who always was his favorite. She ended up a narcissist herself, I believe, and an addict. We all have had pretty bad struggles throughout our lives. Other things my Dad did were only doing activities or taking trips that he wanted to do. The neighbors caught on and whispered about it. He also would belittle our friends. The day before my mom died from brain cancer, he wanted to see her and she said “no way!” He called her a bitch. I will never forget that. I didn’t really think about it in recent years because I had finally made my own life and found a good guy, purely accidental but I’m happy. Then my father became unable to care for himself due to dementia which has since been diagnosed as Alzheimer’s. I was forced to take over his care since my siblings didn’t want to or weren’t capable and all the old feelings came back to haunt me. It was then that I began to realize just how much effect my dad had on all three of us. On top of dementia my dad had become a full blown raging alcoholic. His anger episodes reminded me of his rages when we were young. Brrrrr. Today I am estranged from my siblings and my dad has decided to blame his condition and where he has to live (memory care) on me. He won’t see me and I am so much better off for it. I am still working through the effects of growing up with a narcissistic parent, but reading articles such as this one once in a while really helps. Thank you.
Reading your article has left me a bit numb. My mother (now dead and gone) must have been an engulfing narcissist. Her personality ticks 18 out of the 19 signs listed. For 23 years until I married (wouldn’t dare leave home) I lived a life of guilt for being an unappreciative and generally a bad daughter, as well as being made to believe I was the reason why she and my dad fought so much. I grew up listening to my mother calling my dad and grandma all the time. I didn’t get to truly know him until I married and he would come to my home for a chat. He was a nicer man than I was ever allowed to believe, whilst at home. I was verbally, physically abused and mentally tormented by her whilst young. She would make loud “tutting” noises into my face because she knew I hated it, and the “wooden spoon” had its place in her kitchen, waiting for me when naughty. My marital home was her home also. She asked for keys and got them of course. She did my gardening, housework and ironing. I didn’t want her to do any of it, but was too scared to tell her for fear of the usual reprisals like the silent treatment, and me ringing her to ask if she was still friends with me. It would worry me sick if she wasn’t. I didn’t discuss her with my husband because I knew I would end up feeling “disloyal” and guilty about it. She had no kind feelings towards my husband. And I was in the middle of them both. I don’t know how he stuck it. When I became pregnant I received a smile from my dad but not a flicker of anything from my mother. The crunch came in my mid 40s when she refused to give my daughter some birthday money, when realising it was going to be spent on a new hairstyle and not something she approved of. I told her to keep her money and we didn’t speak for weeks. I made her apologise to my daughter and would not accept any post birthday money. At 45 years of age the protective instinct towards my own daughter had finally made me stand up towards my own mother.
She bullied me for 50 years and haunted me for 10 years after her death. I have received counselling for the nightmares I have about her. I have no happy childhood memories of her. The only good thing I have learned from her, is never to be like her. This I have promised to my own daughter and her family.
Thank you so much for me now being able to identify my mother’s true nature.
wow! Your story sounds very much like the home I grew up in! My mother placed my hand on a hot stove to punish me when I was only 5! I watched her physically abuse my step father. As a child I played under the table because she was always hitting me for something & most of the time I didnt know why! I am glad you finally got the strength to break away! Best of luck in the future.
I’ve been diagnosed with Borderline personality disorder with is caused from parental abuse or the stress and trauma caused by the parent(s). I have come to realize that my mother is a narcissist. Only because my children have called me the same. Apparently my grandmother had some mental issues as well. Now with all of this information I can start to heal. I will find that child in me that never grew into a healthy adult. I want and need to heal.
Wow. I am totally surprised. Even as a psychology major in college, I never once thought of my grandma (who raised me) as a narcissist parent. However, after reading the signs, my grandma exhibits almost all of the behaviors and I struggle with almost all the problems listed under the confirmation of being raised by a narcissist parent. It kind of breaks my heart to think of my grandma this way. I never saw narcissist people as loving, although I know my grandmother loves me. I have felt so empty throughout my life and I have never felt like I could please my grandma. Plus, my other cousin was her “golden child.” My grandma sees her as perfect because she’s in college on a full scholarship for running track, she has money, she has lighter skin than I do (this is an issue in the black community), she’s skinnier than I am, and she seems to have it more together than I do. My grandma has taken my depression as a joke in the past, believing that she gave me everything and I have no reason to be depressed other than using drugs, etc. She has never really apologized for hurting my feelings or doing or saying something wrong. She always tells me I’m being too sensitive. She doesn’t talk to my cousin that way. This article is such a revelation to me.
I am 70 years old and had to tolerate a childhood with only my narcissist Dad to parent me, Mom died when I was 9, no other siblings. This man hung around in my life and tried to control me until he died at age of 84, me at 50. I have no idea why I could not leave him except for the fact he bought a house for me and cars also. I had an out of wedlock baby during the 6o’s, was forced to give the baby up by him, I am sure this happened because of loneliness from my Mom’s death and his constant abuse. the relationship between us was horrendous because of the pregnancy, I think he realized what giving up my child had done to me, and then the gift giving began. My self esteem was destroyed anyhow and I didn’t realize what was happening with all of his gift giving, it was his effort to control me. Still dealing with this.
thankyou for sharing this very insightful and helpful list. after living with a narcissistic mother for over 50 years. your list is SPOT ON.. well done. thankyou so much for this. I hope more people find this list when they need to. It is very true, accurate and could only come from experience. so thankyou
Hi, I totally get it as I was battered by both my mother and sister growing up Alone in this big World I now have a okay relationship with them both but I can’t Forget as much as I’ve tried too forget but I do know it’s made me a Stronger person
My mother is highly manipulative and my father is the enabler. I have been physically ill for a long time. Because of my mother’s never ending abuse I married a controlling narcissist when I was 21. We divorced 7 years later. My mother swooped in and insists she raised my sons. She didn’t and fortunately they know that. My younger son is a sweetheart and knows I am nothing like my mother. He is 30 now, happily married and treats me well. Unfortunately my older son has narcissistic tendencies and if I do not do what he wants, threatens to withhold my grandchildren form me. He is 33. Nonetheless, he knows exactly what my mother is. Both my sons have minimal contact with my parents.
I remarried 19 years ago. my husband is a wonderful supportive man. My mother moved heaven and earth (still does) to break us up. She has told me repeatedly that he will cheat on me and is a poor son and will be a poor husband. They told me I should never remarry. As recently as 2 years ago she told me if I ever get sick my husband will leave me.
After a recent argument with my mother, I ended up taking a sleeping pill to get some sleep. When I didn’t call my parents at an appointed time, they went crazy leaving vile test messages on my phone and answering machine. When I finally called her she reminded me my father has a her condition. Called me a piece of sh*t and told me I would be up sh*ts creek if something happened to him. He told me he was a wonderful caring father. 4 days later (when I had to put my much loved dog to sleep) I called my parents. When my father picked up the phone and heard me crying he didn’t say a word- just yelled for my mother to take the phone and said”she;s crying. I don’t know what the hell she wants, you talk to her.”
My brother is the golden child. . She cries poverty for him all the time (he is a doctor, owns a $600,00 house, a business, a building with tenants and property in another state. His kids went to IVY league schools., he takes expensive vacations. Nonetheless, she gets visibly angry when she finds out my husband and I go out to dinner occasionally. I know my brother is afraid of her. 2 years ago she made my sickly pregnant niece cry over nonsense. When she got home and told me what she said she put her hands on her hips, smiled and said she caused maximum damage. My brother made his daughter apologize for nothing.
I know I should cut them out of my life but I can’t. I am anxious and depressed all the time . What I’ve written here is just the tip of the iceberg. As she gets older she gets more vicious.
Veronica, dear one… why continue to subject yourself to such abuse? You said yourself that you have a loving and supportive husband… you don’t need these horrible people in your life! You don’t need to call them for anything, much less comfort when you’re sad (as in when your dog died)… they are NEVER going to be the people you would wish for them to be… you need to cut ties, let them go and move on, for your own sanity and mental and physical well-being (because that kind of stress DOES make you physically ill!)
Make a choice! Choose yourself! You are worth it! You are worthy of standing up for yourself and creating healthy and loving boundaries for yourself… You MUST love yourself enough to protect yourself from horrible people who only cause you pain and anguish…
Consider this… is THIS (what you’re living with now) what you want for the rest of your life???
Good luck and many blessings to you… I hope that you can create the life that you deserve for yourself… <3
Your story makes me so sad. You owe it to your own children & family & to yourself to break ties with your mother. I went through the same things & finally realized that I was no good to my own family if I was to ill to take care of myself & that’s exactly what was happening to me as a result of my mothers narcissistic ways. If you need to seek help from a therapist to do this there is nothing wrong with that, I spent most of my life in therapy & just finished 7 months ago. I learned how to set boundaries, I learned to love myself & how to say NO. It has made my relationships better because I now have more self respect & let others know that they cant be part of my life unless they respect me too. I still help others & do favors, but because I want to & not because I don’t know how to say No. i also learned about mindfulness & relaxing techniques .
my father is a true narcist…he treats us like his machineries…he is ready to lose whoever does not meet his desires..we have all ran away from him but he is constantly demanding we give him whatever he asks or he will curse us..he is very religious
At last I finally understand both my parents. I am living with a wife who has similar tendencies. I have learned to accept that they cant be changed both of them are in their late 70s but just the same they still act and behave the way they were described. I always tried to please them before even buying them a car and giving them money but I am tired now. Less contact the better now. But the feeling of emptiness, anxiety and depresion at times is made worse and trigered further by my wife’s behaviour. Either she refuse to listen to me or ignore me entirely when I share this feelings. We have been married for 14 years now. Trying to cope up with pressures of business and profession. Thank you this article very informative.
My dad is a covert narcissist. I’ve had to cut him out of my life. I recently got engaged and I am starting the wedding planning process. This is suppose to be an exciting season… and it is but it hurts that he can’t be a real father to me. My dad will not be at my wedding. It’s really hard accepting that he’s not going to change. He lied to my family for years. My dad was a successful business man in the automotive industry and had his own business. My family was blessed financially while I was growing up and I was able to have some amazing experiences with travel and a good education because of it. Money became a drug to my dad and it was how he found his self worth in life. Things started to get a little out of control when my dad lost his business. He spent money we didn’t have and we eventually ended up losing our house. He was emotionally and physically abusive to my Mom and my sisters. Mainly emotionally to me.
Both of my parents are narcissistic. My mother is the queen of manipulation lies and deceit. My father is an enabler who is mostly passive in my mothers behaviours. When I separated from my husband of 22years my parents abandoned me. They did this in full view of my 3 teenage boys at the time. This sent a clear message to the boys that they did not support my decision to leave. After a short separation my husband unexpectedly took his own life.
This was a green light for my parents to step in and take control of the parenting of my boys. Allowing them to do things without my knowledge let alone my permission. The end result has been a lot of abuse from my children but worse from my parents. They have influenced my boys both emotionally and physically. The end result has been a lot of emotional and in the end physical abuse from my boys to me. I have decided to go no contact with my parents as there is no other way to escape their emotional abuse. They have persuaded my boys to believe their lies and to use me as a scapegoat. I am blamed for everything that happens in our family while my alcoholic brother is treated as a good worthy person where my parents berate his children and wife for doubting him. I on the other hand are a responsible loving mother who is constantly questions and my love for my children undermined.
Given my husband was 17 when he came to live with my parents and ended his life at 46. My brother is alcoholic and according to my family I am a pyscho i am understandbly worried about what influence my parents will have over my sons. Now 22, 20 and 16. My parents marched my 16 yr old out of our house 4 weeks ago. He has not spoken a word to me since he spat on me the night before i refused to pick him up from a mental health facility where he was taken by police based on his behaviour.
My mothers take on this was I deserved it! I must have provoked it. She sighted the fact that my son lived in a voilent and abusive home. She stated this to the hospital where she picked up my son of course with no facts or evidence to back her claims.
Whilst i have been isolated from my boys and family I am very worried about how she will destroy my boys just as they have emotionally destroyed my brother and I. Its so poisonous this narcissistic abuse and so invisible to most people.