The only way you can describe how you feel is that you feel minimized. You feel crushed and smothered. You’re constantly second-guessing yourself; your feelings, your perceptions, your memories, and a small, suffocated part inside of you wonders whether you are actually going crazy.
You feel neurotic, you feel hyper-sensitive and you feel an overwhelming sense of alienation.
What is wrong with you?
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If you can identify with what I just wrote, you are most likely experiencing a sophisticated manipulation technique known as Gaslighting. This technique undermines your entire perception of reality and can slowly creep into your relationships, friendships, family life and work life.
Although you might feel crazy, although you might feel imbalanced and irrational, there is still hope.
Table of contents
What is Gaslighting?
Inspired by the 1940 and 1944 films “Gas Light,” where a husband systematically manipulates his wife in order to make her feel crazy, the term “Gaslighting” is now commonly used to describe behavior that is inherently manipulative.
Gaslighting, at its core, is a form of emotional abuse that slowly eats away at your ability to make judgments.
Essentially, a Gaslighter spins their negative, harmful or destructive words and actions in their favor, deflecting the blame for their abusive deeds and pointing the finger at you. This is often done by making you feel “overly sensitive,” “paranoid,” “mentally unstable,” “silly,” “unhinged,” and many other sensations which cause you to doubt yourself.
Commonly adopted by psychopathic, sociopathic and narcissistic types of people, Gaslighting tends to eat away at you slowly until you realize that you’re a shell of the former person you were.
3 Examples of Gaslighting
Let’s take a look at some examples of Gaslighting.
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In a family scenario: Andrew’s father is an angry, bitter man. Every day Andrew is afraid to “tip the balance” of his father’s mood because he often bursts out in fits of rage calling Andrew a “bastard” and a “worthless little loser,” among many other hurtful names. When Andrew confronts his father about this aggressive name-calling, Andrew’s father laughs and tells him “to stop being so sensitive.”
In a relationship scenario: Jade has been married for 5 years and has two small children with her husband Mike. For the past few months, Jade has been trying to establish a small art shop, but when she asks for her husband’s assistance his mood darkens: “I can’t believe you’re spending so much time on this shop—don’t you care about me—don’t you care about your kids? You’re supposed to be mothering them!” he exclaims. Jade is shocked, “But I just wanted you to help me with setting up the store! And I haven’t been neglecting anyone!” Mike comes up very close to Jade’s face: “You see! Now you’re denying it. When I married you I thought you’d be there for your family. I should just take the kids and go already!” Mike storms off. Later, when Jade sits down to talk with Mike about his threat, Mike says, “Honey, you know you were overreacting, and you know that you’ve been obsessing over this shop too much. That makes the rest of us feel very ignored and excluded, I hope you understand that.”
At work scenario: Sophie has been working in her department for the past five years when she is given a promotion to migrate to another level of the company that pays a higher salary. However, Sophie has been given a trial period to determine whether she is capable of fulfilling her duties or not. Nervously, she meets with her new supervisor, Kelly. At first, Sophie likes her supervisor and fulfills all of her tasks on time. However, her supervisor begins to ask her to do belittling chores and favors here and there with increasing frequency. While Sophie is fine with helping out, she finds that Kelly is becoming more and more demanding. Finally, as Sophie’s work piles up to an unbearable level, she tells Kelly that she needs to focus on completing her work, but she can help another time. Later, in a staff meeting, Kelly introduces Sophie to everyone and says, “Although she’s not keeping up with us yet, I’m sure she’ll learn to embody our hard-working ethics soon!” Immediately, Sophie blushes and feels publicly insulted and humiliated, fearing for the security of her new job. Later when Sophie asks her supervisor why she thinks that “she is not embodying their hard-working ethic,” her supervisor says: “I think you misunderstood me. I just said that you’re not used to our pace of work so that other people can help you out.” From then on Sophie accepts all extra demands and chores, no matter how much work she has, or how demeaning the tasks are.
How to Know Whether Someone is Gaslighting You
Gaslighting is so harmful because it promotes anxiety, depression, and with enough frequency in our lives, can sometimes trigger nervous breakdowns. So the question now it: are you being gaslighted? How can you know whether you’re experiencing this subtle form of manipulation in your life? Review the following tell-tale signs:
- Something is “off” about your friend, partner, son, daughter, mother, father, sister, brother, colleagues, boss, or other person in your life … but you can’t quite explain or pinpoint what.
- You frequently second-guess your ability to remember the details of past events leaving you psychologically powerless.
- You feel confused and disorientated.
- You feel threatened and on-edge around this person, but you don’t know why.
- You feel the need to apologize all the time for what you do or who you are.
- You never quite feel “good enough” and try to live up to the expectations and demands of others, even if they are unreasonable or harm you in some way.
- You feel like there’s something fundamentally wrong with you, e.g. you’re neurotic or are “losing it.”
- You feel like you’re constantly overreacting or are “too sensitive.”
- You feel isolated, hopeless, misunderstood and depressed.
- You find it hard to trust your own judgment, and given a choice, you choose to believe the judgment of the abuser.
- You feel scared and as though “something is terribly wrong,” but you don’t know what or why.
- You find it hard to make decisions because you distrust yourself.
- You feel as though you’re a much weaker version of yourself, and you were much more strong and confident in the past.
- You feel guilty for not feeling happy like you used to.
- You’ve become afraid of “speaking up” or expressing your emotions, so you stay silent instead.
Tactics Used by the Gaslighter
Gaslighters use a variety of subtle techniques to undermine your reality and portray you as the disturbed and messed up one. These include, for example:
- Discrediting you by making other people think that you’re crazy, irrational or unstable.
- Using a mask of confidence, assertiveness, and/or fake compassion to make you believe that you “have it all wrong.” Therefore, eventually, you begin to doubt yourself and believe their version of past events.
- Changing the subject. The gaslighter may divert the topic by asking another question, or making a statement usually directed at your thoughts, e.g. “You’re imagining things—that never happened!” “No, you’re wrong, you didn’t remember right.” “Is that another crazy idea you got from your (family member/friend)?”
- Minimizing. By trivializing how you feel and what you think, the gaslighter gains more and more power over you, e.g. “Why are you being so sensitive?” “You don’t need to get angry over a little thing like that!” “I was just joking around, why are you taking things so seriously?”
- Denial and avoidance. By refusing to acknowledge your feelings and thoughts, the gaslighter causes you to doubt yourself more and more. For example, “I don’t remember that, you must have dreamt it!” “You’re lying, I never said that.” “I don’t know what you’re talking about, you’re changing the subject.”
- Twisting and reframing. When the gaslighter confidently and subtly twists and reframes what was said or done in their favor, they can cause you to second-guess yourself—especially when paired with fake compassion, making you feel as though you are “unstable,” “irrational,” and so forth. For example, “I didn’t say that, I said _____” “I didn’t beat you up Johnny, I just gave you a smack around the head—that’s what all good fathers do.” “If you remember correctly, I was actually trying to help you.”
Why Empaths Often Get Gaslighted
An empath is a person who is highly sensitive to the energy of others. Empaths are known as energy sponges because they absorb the emotional pain around them. As a result, empaths tend to be highly self-sacrificing in an attempt to make everyone’s lives better.
When it comes to gaslighting, empaths are easy targets because they often struggle to differentiate themselves from their abusers. In other words, while they are highly intuitive and perceptive people, empaths often lack personal boundaries and struggle to say “no.” And no boundaries = perfect prey for narcissistic gaslighting techniques!
I’ve explored the issue of narcissistic gaslighting abuse in my book Awakened Empath.
If you think this might be an issue for you, it’s definitely worth checking out. This is a serious issue that can create long-term harm in your life, especially if you’re a sensitive person.
Healing the Wounds Ignited by Gaslighting
Gaslighting causes us to doubt our own memories, perceptions, and judgments, throwing us emotionally and psychologically off balance.
If you feel as though your self-esteem, confidence, and independence has withered under the flame of gaslighting you are not alone … and there certainly is hope!
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Almost all of us, including myself, have experienced one form of Gaslighting or another throughout life.
The problems arise when Gaslighting is a frequent shadow that trails behind our relationships and partnerships.
The good news is that knowledge and awareness is the first step to healing your life and rebuilding the strong, perceptive person you are … and you have already taken it!
While it is true that in some situations we genuinely might be overreacting, or might genuinely be exhibiting irrational behavior, it is also important for you to listen to your instinct or intuition.
Do you have a heavy feeling in the pit of your stomach? Do you feel weighed down and oppressed? Do you feel depressed? These are signs that you have unconsciously picked up on deception and “foul play.”
While we can consciously be fooled, unconsciously we can’t, and often we will have a lingering feeling that “something just isn’t right.” Make sure that you listen to this feeling and seek help, either professionally or socially (i.e. a trusted group of friends or a support network).
In summary, here are some ways to support yourself in the face of gaslighting:
- Firstly clarify to yourself how, when and who is gaslighting you. Think about what ways they make you feel unhinged and like you’re losing it. Write down whatever you can think of. You must be able to confirm that you’re being gaslighted before you can move on with your life.
- Pay attention to the signs of being gaslighted, like feeling confused, belittled, “crazy” or manipulated. Take a deep breath, clear your mind, and center yourself. Set aside regular time for grounding each day through meditation or a mindfulness exercise. These techniques will help you to stay objective even in difficult circumstances.
- Decide whether it’s worth continuing your friendship or relationship. If you’re in a working relationship, think about whether it’s worth staying in your job or not. If you want to stay, think about ways to minimize interaction with the gaslighter until you feel grounded and confident.
- Talk to trusted friends or loved ones about your problem. Alternatively, seek help from a mentor or therapist who can help you do some shadow work.
- Shift your perspective from being a victim to being a warrior/winner or whatever word feels the most empowering. You don’t have to remain a victim for the rest of your life, and by reclaiming your personal power, you’ll also be able to help others in similar circumstances.
- Read my emotional abuse article to deepen your understanding of this topic.
I hope these actions can help you regain a sense of personal clarity, confidence, and empowerment once again as you recover from the gaslighter’s mind games.
***
If you have left a relationship in which you were being gaslighted, and are being targeted by a narcissist in your life again, check out my article on “hoovering” which is another twisted emotional manipulation technique.
Are you experiencing Gaslighting? Do you know someone else who is? Do you have any recommendations that would help others? Please share below.
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my dad and sister are like this. It is quite debilitating. I will go for bouts feeling better and better everyday until they do something that pisses me off ( usually they are pushy or bossy and totally devaluating my opinion about something or how we or I should go about something). So when i express anger towards them is when endless arguments occur. They put the focus back on me and how the problem is not how they behave. It is that I am mad at them. I just shouldn’t get mad at them. That is the problem in their mind. And when we go through the motions of how that happened, we can’t ever agree on how it “happened”. For me, I would just like for them to just accept the fact that I am angry and that I will get over it soon enough. Hence they don’t have to feel so bad. But instead, they belittle the fact that I am angry right off the bat and go into search and destroy anything that criticises them. FML.
I CANT BELIEVE THS IS MY EX.11 YEARS I WS A VICTIM TIL NOW!!!! THANKS FOR WEARING ME FOWN AND MAKING ME THINK IM CRAZY DAVID ROBERT MCKINNEY OF ST CATHERINES ONT..CAN.. 11 YEARS OF MY FUCKING LIFE…HELD EMOTIONALLY CAPTIVE
During my dark night of the soul I went through being gaslighted 4 times. I could write a book about it.
The first time it happened was after I finished cancer treatment. I left a job that I had worked at for 19 years. I was unhappy there and decided to go work for my friend. 6 weeks after I started my friend was diagnosed with cancer. I was devastated. She had to sell her hair salon. She wanted me to buy it. I knew that I couldn’t do it by myself. My brother begged me to be my partner. My intuition was screaming at me. Telling me not to do it. I had a friend who was a hairstylist who was going to do it with me. She backed out at the last minute. My friend who had cancer was going to lose everything because she had no insurance. There was no time left. I went against my intuition and let my brother become my partner. It was the beginning of a very long nightmare. He would cause problems behind my back. Then accuse me of creating them. I was so busy running around putting out fires that I couldn’t figure out what was happening. I finally figured it out when he lied to me because he wanted to file bankruptcy on the business. The salon was successful. He could no longer get a tax deduction from it. Long story short is I found out that he never put me on the paperwork as a owner. I restarted the business as sole owner. He made my life a living hell for years. I thought it was over then. It was only the beginning. I had 2 more narccisissts in my salon. I ended up walking away from the salon. At that time I was also dealing with a neurological condition that was undiagnosed. I was in so much physical and emotional pain. I lost everything I owned. I had to walk away from a career of 30 years. I was very successful in and made a lot of money.
I didn’t understand why I had all of these narccisissts in my life until I figured out that my mother was the worst one of them all. I figured out that I was manipulated and taught that this behavior was okay. I went through a lot of shadow work. There have been times when I have had suicidal thoughts. Finding out that everything in my life was a lie. I am still working on trusting people and even myself at times.
The hardest part of all of this has been people who believe all of the lies that have been told about me. Being revictimized after the abuse makes it harder to heal.
I’m slowly finding the person who I really am and not what everyone told me that I was. I just started going back to school last September. I’m doing what I wanted to do when I was younger. I finally found doctors who diagnosed my neurological condition. My pain has been controlled now after 2 surgeries. I still have times of deep loneliness. My family has been turned against me because I went to no contact with my mother. Me and my sister had always had problems with having a good relationship. We realized that my mother was pitting us against each other. We became very close. My sister passed away unexpectedly last January. I didn’t have a lot of time with her. I’m so grateful that we reconciled before her death.
Now I try to help others who are going through this.
I always tell people that God had to hit me over my head with a frying pan to make me realize how dysfunctional my life was. As much as all of this hurt I wouldn’t change it. I’m still a work in progress. I don’t think you ever stop learning. The biggest lesson has been to learn to love myself unconditionally.
I was introduced to the phrase “gaslighting” in a Steely Dan song. I came to truly understand it, however, only after being assigned to work with a gaslighter for several years working as a professional umpire. Once I experienced the dynamic, I realize this is not uncommon. It’s very common. I didn’t feel stupid or feel like I had been taken advantage of because I thought I was doing the right being patient with this person. In my profession, calls are largely judgment and often so close they can’t be clarified with certainty even if replayed. Often very nuanced calls.
My partner played me on this even as the loosing coach and staff in a game later lauded calls made against them.
His mistake was to chid me in full voice about a call I made 7 feet away from a top coach. That coach later approach my partner and asked him about the call. My partner realized he was found out. Of course he was was wrong about the rule but never would back down to the coach. The truth of it is that I knew he new my call was right. He was trying to publically “humiliate” me (I just recited the rule when he did and the coach heard that).. My partner didn’t think he would be confronted by someone who was very experience with the nuances of the sport.
So I was patient trying to take the high ground caring for this person I saw was troubled somehow. With the precision nature of my work in this case, overtime, I did begin to doubt my judgment. Genuinely. But then we were best buddies one day which was my attempt to “be a good guy and tolerate this guy who I assumed had a bad upbringing”
and then was cold and moody the next.
I would say that sometimes this is an unlearned coping mechanism and sometimes it’s a learned strategy, Regardless of the motivation completely find a better situation.
This kind of thing goes on between brothers and sisters, boyfriends and girlfriends, husbands and wives, employers and employees, social relationships, even religious dynamics.
I highly recommend that you 100% disassociate with the person, business, scenario, whatever it is.
You will be surprised to find that there are a lot of great people out there. A lot.
There are bad people out there. The gas lighters are very high on that list regardless of their conscious motives.
I have lived this in many different situations… some involving certain employments I have held… one situation occurred with an employee, that not only was he watching porn at work but also took the opportunity to ask me if I would let him touch me and do things with him in the bathroom while I was on my lunch break and when I reported it to the owner he tried to play it off saying “are you sure it wasn’t a joke and you just took it seriously?” I literally died in the inside because I was being portrayed as a sensitive person… on top of that, the owner made him apologize to me in a unexpected phone call saying “ I am sorry for what happened the other day and I hope this doesn’t change things” I literally cringed. To make the story short I ended up getting fired by the owner via telephone phone like a month later for being late ( I worked an hour away from the office) and the bosses words were “Marolin this a job, I am not your care taker”I broke down in tears on the phone because I felt so diminished meanwhile the guy got to keep his job and still watches porn. Inside I felt like if o would have followed my intuition I would have left once I saw the first red flag which was the bosses reaction when I first told him. I became so angry with myself for a longtime. Reading articles like these restores some of my senses. Thanks for sharing!
Thanx….im just gonna say that ive lost! I hurt and too weak to act anymore! My baby boy is 6 and needs me…..ive lost job family friends and self! Just. A 400 lb evil slob , me and our son of 6, living in a small place! Ive lost my car now and begun to isolate. My health is bad , and i self medicate to function . Im sick and so frightened for my son , if i die ….please someone, he needs me . I have no money no car no brains and no self worth! I cant buck up and save up to escape, im weaker then ever, and dispised! If theres a god help me cry to him.
It has been a very slow, very hidden 15 years of being gas-lighted. Now it is a decision… what do I do next?
Everyone describes me as the “perfect wife”. Only because I have perfected the art of – not putting myself on the back burner, but removing myself from the stove completely. I’m “perfect” because I forgive easily, love hard and try so hard to be everything to and for everyone. No one can see what conversing with my husband is like. He is charming, handsome, funny and he expects to keep it like that. The worst started 5 years ago when I found out he had a “friend” he never mentioned to me or told me about… a friend he would talk to everyday before I got off work. I confronted him about this “emotional affair” and said you end it or I will. He claimed he couldn’t talk to me and he could talk to her… . I tried to be the good wife, I was always the good wife. I always said I held our family together with spit and toilet paper. I know now, despite what he made me believe – I wasn’t the problem. I should have left. I wish I had. Having 5 kids together and no money, no credit, nothing- I didn’t want to uproot my kids and what go live with my parents an hour away? So I held my faith and pressed forward to try to save my marriage, I always see the good in people. I never cared enough to find out if in fact there was an affair or a friendship…. I had a family to run, I don’t have time to cry over spilled milk. Soon enough, the pain I was stuffing turned against me. I met someone who saw my value, who said all the nice things and made me feel like a million bucks. I chatted with this friend for 3 days. No meet ups, no affair, nothing. Then my husband found out via call logs on my phone- he snooped because he noticed something was different about me- I was happy. I should have taken that moment and fled. Hindsight is 20/20. Over the next 5 years, I have been treated like I had a horrible long lasting affair. I have been un-trusted, controlled, manipulated. Fast forward 5 years… I’m sitting at my desk at work like an idiot realizing how I have let him gas-light me into feeling like a terrible guilty person for everything I do. I have anxiety about walking out the door of my building with another man because we carpool and he will think I’m having an affair with that person…. even though having an affair is the last thing on my mind. He talked to that girl for over 6 months, I’m an idiot for believing that he didn’t have an affair. We eat lunch together every single day… if we don’t he “gives me shit”. Now you must know he is never ever outright ugly to me. He never ever says mean things to my face or calls me names. Everything he does is very very subtle. “I just want to spend time with you” … guilting me into thinking I’m not appreciative of his love for me or everything he does for me or I don’t want to spend time with him or I’m doing something sneaky if I’m not with him. I don’t go out with friends because the anxiety I get from dealing with him is not worth the much needed break. I can’t talk about anyone or anything without him thinking something is going to happen and his mannerisms and questioning me shows it. We literally go everywhere together and do everything together… we are very social and throw big parties and we get a long very well in public, we complement each other well and people say “You guys are a power couple!!” It’s not true. I’m a very good, humble, forgiving person living a life in secret captivity with the nicest most charming narcissist you’ll ever meet. The questioning. I will say something to him and he doesn’t ever respond to me as if we are having a conversation, he starts questioning me like he is having his own conversation in his head…. so I get nervous talking to him which fuels his insecurities and then he says I get defensive, but I’m REALLY trying not to get defensive… but me walking on eggs shells makes him worse. Even if I try to take a deep breath to gain my composure and try to focus on what I’m trying to say he will tell me ” WHY ARE YOU CRYING? WHY ARE YOU HUFFING AND PUFFING? You always get upset!” All I’m really trying to do is breathe so we can make it through this conversation and not ruin our entire night or our kid’s night. He turns everything like that around on me and makes me think I said things or didn’t say things. My anxiety causes mental blocks and he uses that against me each and every time. Sometimes I don’t know what the hell I’m saying… or do I? It is like a horrible vicious cycle I’m caught in but only I can see.
I love this man. I love our family. I really truly wish he could get better because when we are good, we are great. When we are great- we are unstoppable. Unfortunately, his insecurities and gas-lighting is wearing me down and I don’t think I have it in me to fight for our family much longer… I’m probably stupid thinking he will change. Sorry for the novel, but I saved it because I think it is important at the bare minimum I start journaling, maybe I can help someone else someday. For now, I’m waiting to be picked up from work…. waiting for the fight from lunch to continue on our hour commute home… hoping a stranger doesn’t walk out the door with me…. I hope I can have him better by the time we get home so my kids don’t have to feel the wrath. He has never laid a abusive hand on any of us. That would be the absolute line in the sand.
Where is the line in the mental sand?
Today – I see the problem. I see my part in the problem and I have to find out what to do next.
Tell him straight.
This sounds like my life exactly. I just recently discovered the term “gaslighting” so I have googled it constantly. Is this happening to me or am I the Gaslighter? Do they make you feel like you could be the one doing it to them? Because we put on that “just get through it” and “don’t say the wrong thing for God sakes” just to keep our lives from being unbearable? Instead of the affair my husband is an addict so he is a master manipulator. He has lied to me so much and stolen from everyone in his life. Now that I’ve had him be completely out in the open with everything just to save my sanity of is this or that a lie, he claims he hasn’t lied to me once since that time. And now if I tell a little white lie just to save an argument and he finds out, man I will never live it down. The lies and deceptions I’ve been told and had no choice but to forgive it instantly were life altering! Never allowed to bring it up again once he has apologized for it already and I won’t stay out of the past. But my past mistskes can be referenced anytime. This time, I’ve now locked myself in the bathroom because for days he picked and picked and took everything I said completely wrong. Treated me like a dog because I showed him too many pics on Pinterest. So after days and days of being treated like shit, I lost my shit. Completely crazy ,hitting him with anything I could, making him leave, and making the mistake of texting him all my feelings about him in my blind rage. I had been brow beat for days and finally I just lost it. So I texted him all these things and now its like he never did anything because all that can be proven are the things I said to him. Now I have sat and listened to, for hours now, about how I should be grateful he’s here, I will never change, he should leave me, nobody would put up with what he does, like I’m the worst person on the planet. But in my head I’m like the opposite of that. I had taken days and days of just mean mean things being said to me while still getting him ready for work, changing every diaper for 2 babies, feeding every meal, every bath and bedtime. So now here I am locked in the bathroom doing this. I’m tired of being the villain while he plays the victim! I love him why would I love him? Ive known him since 7th grade! Hes been my best friend since then! We are 35 now. A very long history but not always a couple. We were best friends only until we were 31. Thats when the script flipped and he saw a different softer, more vulnerable side to me. Of course its only taken 4 years for it to make me feel like I’m losing my mind or crazy. I was married before. But I have never acted some of the ways that come out of me once I feel like I’ve fallen for something or being manipulated. I completely lose my mind. Even though he acts like he’s so hurt by it. I think deep down he truly loves it. Its exactly the button he pushed. The exact outcome that he planned on. I try to plan better and expect it the next time it happens but no I fall apart eventually. Then its back to me being the whole problem and villain. Hes on top again and I’m whats wrong with our family. But I feel like there is a word or community for what I have gone through! I looked up the word narcissist and traits the other day and I turned white when I read it. He does every single thing on it. Then I started breaking it all down and looking those things up, because then I think am I a narcissist because I’m saying he’s one? But I’ve called him out at times feeling like he was manipulating me or twisting my words or acting like I’m mad at him for doing something nice, or him punching a hole in the wall and saying he didn’t do it I did! Gotta go!
Oh my gosh, you’re story resonated so much with me. I have been gaslit for the last 10 years. I am always anxious and on-edge. My partner of 10 years is currently on vacation RIGHT NOW with another woman. He told me it was a boys trip. When I asked if he was with another women he told me I was overreacting and that I needed to “chill” out. I actually listened to him to. I thought maybe I was crazy to even think he would be with another women despite instagram photos of him with other women and previous cheating. This type of abuse has been so hard to spot, I am learning more about it everyday. I realized that he’s blamed me for all major problems within our relationship. He even blamed me for getting pregnant. I ended up miscarrying… he blamed me for that too. Talk about driving me crazy. I have never been so sad in my life. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I can’t believe this has happened to me. Never thought I’d be with someone like this. I will begin preparing to leave him.
I’ve known my previous boyfriend for 3 years before we actually started our relationship, when I was 17 years old, and had a deep crush on him since back then. He is 6 years older than me, so I’ve always idolized him and believed he was the person I had a crush on. When I was 20, we finally began a relationship. I have never been so deeply in love, finally all I have been dreaming about was becoming real! I was so excited that I couldn’t stop loving him even after I realised he is far from being the person I thought he was, and even after realising he is a very, very dark and mean person. We went out for three years, and we broke up about 6 months ago, because one evening when I was crying because of an argument I had with him, my father decided to tell me that he needs me to be strong, because he has cancer, and that for the sake of his health he begged me to leave that boy that was ruining me infront of my parents eyes on a daily basis. At this point I just did what I was told to and begged for a therapist, saying that I feel as if I’m not the person I used to be, I felt empty inside. After some therapies and research at home, I realised that for 3 years, each and every day, he would emotionally abuse me, manipulate me and as I quickly recognised, I have been a victim of gaslighting in it’s purest form. Once I understood that and after some nights of crying myself into sleep, I suddenly felt stronger and decided to go on with my life.
6 months after the breakup, I begin feeling something is wrong with me. First, as time goes by and my feelings for him fade, I begin realising how he treated me, and I just feel waves of shame coming to me. I can suddenly remember things he would do to me and just feel embarrassed for the rest of the day for letting someone treat me that way, for trusting him, for believing him and for loving him! How could I let someone do those things to me? How could I be so stupid? How could I forgive him each and every time? He would use my love against me, he would lie to me and manipulate me endlessly, hell he raped me so many times! I would cry and beg him to leave me alone and he would just use my body like a toy, as if I don’t have feelings. When I’d try to confront him he’d make me feel bad for accusing him of such terrible things in the better case, or he’d just deny that ever happened and I’d actually believe him. He completely controlled every aspect of my life, he’d turn me against friends, family, co-workers. He’d sabotage my studies, my work. He cheated on me though I never could prove it and he would lie just about anything and always tell me I’m looking to fight when I’d confront him. He would always belittle me, always try to turn me into some pet. The worst of all is the fact that on the outside, he is a charming, charismatic, very generous and kind man, while at home he’d be a lazy, greedy, angry piece of ****. People love him, and whoever I’d tell all of this to, would never believe me. I have never felt so alone!
The second thing I realised 6 months after leaving him, is that I am scared of people, specially men! I am not able to get intimate with anyone, it makes me anxious and weak when men flirt with me, I get all scared and my hands begin to shake. I avoid people, I avoid new people even more. I used to love going out, and I’m avoiding it now, I’m at home for days not leaving the bed and I turn my phone off for weeks as I feel as if I don’t want to talk to anyone or hear anyone at all. I used to be very social and happy. I feel as if I’m not even a third of the person I used to be, I’m just some scared kid all of a sudden, as if all what I have invested into building myself into the person I wanted to be, is just erased completely. I don’t know who I am anymore and what do I want. I’m mainly scared. My confidence is erased completely. I don’t know how to communicate with others anymore. Therapy doesn’t help me.
Find things you enjoy doing, think back to when you were a kid, and spend time in your hobbies being creatively alive. Take belly breathes. Listen to music. (I like Kelly Clarkston and Natalie Grant) Find a trauma counselor that has experience with rape. Identify what you see, hear, smell, feel that reminds you of his abuse because it sets off the alarm in your mind. When you name it, then it will be better.
Don’t give up. You have valuable things to do in life and they are waiting for you. Every experience is a stepping stone and gives wisdom. I could personally do without some of the experience I have endured, but then I wouldn’t be who I am. Allow yourself time to rest and recouperate and then get back out there. A class might be something to take your mind off the frustration and onto something positive. Move forward. Be kind and gentle to yourself and others. Love, B
Thank you so much for this page, which I have just stumbled upon. My story is long, but I’ll try to keep it as brief as I can.
I live alone, and have just one family member left, my 30 year old daughter. I was sexually / emotionally / physically abused, with neglect, by 6 family members, and my mother was the ringleader. This began from birth, and went on until I was 22, when I had to sever all ties / connections with them all for my sanity.
I married at 18 (wrongly, as now I know it was for an escape and a new life) My husband became an alcoholic through work pressures, and beat me in front of my 3 year old daughter, breaking my ribs. He was going to kill me, and I ran with her into the night. I gave him support afterwards to seek help, but he proceeded to carry on, with no efforts to change, and ran a young woman down in his car whilst drunk, leaving her in a critical condition. He had no remorse. I divorced him and started a new life with my daughter, albeit on the poverty line, and with no family support. I did the best I could, whilst struggling with chronic sleep disorder (DSPD) and CPTSD from the abuse. I hid my problems well, all considering.
When my daughter hit puberty, she turned from a kind child, into one with rage and venom towards me at the slightest thing. I chalked it up to pubescent hormones going crazy. By the time she was 19, with a broken heart, I said she’d have to find somewhere else to live, as she was breaking me. She got a flat with her boyfriend, and I thought she may appreciate our relationship more, with distance between us. I dearly loved her, but couldn’t take the abuse.
Moving on another 11 years, nothing has changed, and it is worse. All of the gaslighting symptoms are there, 16 years worth, and with bullying, and put downs on top. As an example, when I’ve taken time to dress smartly and put on make up, she’s said: “Oh you can’t wear THAT!” Even the same went for my jewellery choice. This may sound small, but she knows I have no self confidence, that was battered out of me systematically, and I grew up being told I was an ugly evil bitch, that no one would ever love. (That prophecy kills me, as it came true)
When we meet up for a walk, have a coffee etc, I am reprimanded loudly if I laugh too loud, or talk too loud, and have to keep my speech very quiet. When I think about it, I can’t be myself at all. We met last Saturday for a walk, and I had to spend the first half hour calming her rage (swearing as soon as she met me) because she couldn’t find a parking space. Then I get the belly churns, and have to work at pacifying / calming the situation so we can have a better time.
She doesn’t rage with her grandparents or her partners family, and they think she is wonderful. Her ex partner has seen the rages, and she knows to keep it in check with anyone else now, because she’ll lose her current partner. He wouldn’t tolerate it, though he is openly narcissistic too. They are planning a baby, and it fills me with fear that the child will grow up in a dysfunctional family dynamic.
I’ve realised I’m going off track here now, so back to the current.. After her behaviour on Saturday, which I put behind me, I had to call her on Monday about something important. I am not to call her out of the blue, as she goes crazy, but took the risk anyway. As she picked up the phone, I could hear her saying “FFS!” and then when she spoke, she was savage, as I’d woke her from a nap. I made the call as brief as possible, and came off the phone and cried so hard, that I couldn’t stop. Immediately, I was swallowed up into the black hole, which for me is beyond depression, it is despair, and I no longer want to live. I’d rather pass away than take anymore pain. I’m 52, and this has gone on since birth, with no breaks. My daughter knows how I suffered, but I am not allowed to talk about it, ever. Her response is “Just forget them!” and then she changes subject. I only tried a few times, but stopped after a literal ‘stop’ hand was raised.
I want nothing from her, but a little compassion and kindness, but instead, all she does is compound my hopelessness with cruelty.
I have suicidal feelings at the moment, as I’m totally broken, and have reached out to my doctor, who is referring me for a mental health assessment. The thing is, it’s my daughter that needs the assessment, but forever states she does nothing wrong, and only flares up through tiredness and stress with her job.
I’m in a no-win situation. If I go no contact with her like I had to with the other chronic abusers, I’ll have no one in my life at all, and I love her so much. The other option is to stay around and run to pick up any minute crumbs of normalness she may throw my way, whilst allowing her to break me further.
The hardest part that I cannot comprehend, is that I would have given my limbs to have received any love as a child, yet my daughter is throwing her mother away. All that matters to her, is having a man, prestige and money. I know I shame her, as I’m poor, have never had a fancy job, or any of the things she has to have in her life to feel good.
Tonight I will go to a local drop in support cafe for the first time to talk to someone. It’s all there is, as here, you have to attempt suicide before getting urgent help. I’ll be on a waiting list for therapy and the wait is 12 months long.
I know no one can help, only she can help herself, but a narcissist cannot and will not see their problems, and cannot change. There is no future no matter what.
This page has helped me to stop doubting what has been happening. I’ve questioned so much for so long, and blamed myself, when the simple fact is, my daughter is just another abuser, and I must not make anymore excuses for her behaviour of me.
I know she does what she does, because she can, there’s no one to stop her, and ‘mother will always be there’ – one way or the other, I won’t always be there though. I can’t take anymore.
So that’s my sad but true story. If I may also say, please value those that truly love and care for you. They are beyond precious.
Apologies for rambling, I could write a book, and just wrote what came into my mind as I typed.
Wishing inner peace to you all x
Not joking that this was divine timing for me to read this and finally walk away from someone because of it. No coincidences. I can’t thank you enough for posting it today, and right at this moment.
The gentle mind fuck
As my brother-in-law put it, ‘You’ll never find a better man than my brother’. Sounds so harmless and supportive. But those words resonate in my head every day. My husband is loved by everyone he comes in contact with. He’s a nice guy… a do-gooder. In fact he’s a police officer. He’s a good dad and in many ways he’s been a good husband. This is his greatest strength. His secret weapon. But through the years I’ve always felt like there was something off. Secretive.Manipulative.
I first noticed it 10 years ago when he was talking in his sleep and seemed to be awake searching for a knife in a sheath on his ankle. He had been reading books on the supernatural before he went to bed and had become obsessed with ghosts and going on ghost hunts. I was terrified. The way his eyes looked I was pretty sure he was possessed. I left my house on my bicycle and rode several blocks away on the isolated island we lived on to call my mom and tell her about this strange dream and the books he had been reading. I wanted someone to know in case something happened to me. The next day I decided to bring it up and he convinced me that he didn’t remember and laughed it off as a dream.
I destroyed my career as a park ranger (where we met) over things he’s encouraged me to say, people he’s brainwashed me into not trusting, and countless bad decisions that he supported in my moments of venerability. I saw him as an adversary; a person who always took my side even when I was wrong.
I’ve been uprooted from my home state away from all my friends, family and everything familiar, only to have to move again every 2 years for one reason or another. We rarely stay anywhere long enough to grow roots. I only agreed to move to MT when he finally got a job opportunity after being unemployed for 3 years. Yes, I stupidly supported him for 3 consecutive years and 1 more later down the road in which we lost everything.
My close family relationships have become strained due to distance and lack of privacy to communicate, lack of money to travel as often as I’d like. He hates my dad and vice versa. My Mom takes care of my 90 year old grandmother alone and hasn’t had a break in many years. She needs my help more than ever. Yet we’re here with his entire family because apparently the 4 of them just can’t live without us.
Just last weekend he totally hijacked me into going to his parents to work. Here’s how it went. I came back from church (he hates church and the fact that I take our son). I wasn’t feeling well and asked if he could take our son to visit his parents but I was going to rest. I put on some sweats and took my medicine. He finally got out of bed to check his messages and said he needed to return the pool vehicle for the next officer and needed a ride back. I reluctantly agreed. Once he got in the car he said his mom needed some things from the store and since we were nearby we had to get them (we live 40 min from the store). After we left the store he passed the turn to take me home to rest. I questioned him and he got passive aggressive and acted like he was going to turn around but he was going to punish me with his attitude. When I conceded (he said we were just going for a quick dinner) he passed it off as a misunderstanding. When we got to their house dinner was not even on the radar. We spent 3 hours doing yard work (my back was hurting very badly) and I had to listen to his mother’s irritating whiny SD accent making ‘statements’ to my son about how we have to work, no standing around.
He kept asking me what was wrong… really? As a reward for not flying off the handle I got to ride ATV’s down the driveway. All was well because I kept the peace.
He also likes to try and get me to take as much medication as I’m allowed because it keeps me from reacting. He even encourages me to smoke pot whenever I get upset. He jokes that it saved our marriage. I’ve tried explaining that I don’t want to be sedated but day after day he pushes with the meds.
Now I feel like he’s trying to manipulate my son or me with my son or both… idk anymore. It’s incredibly subtle yet effective. He knows that my son is all that is keeping me from leaving. So When I’m disciplining our son he comes in as the savior from the mean abusive woman who won’t let him play video games or makes him try vegetables or demands that he stop arguing or requires that he respond to my requests with a simple ‘yes, mom’, he saves him. I’m the bad guy. ALWAYS. And When I yell emphatically (to get my son to obey after continuous refusal) he freaks out and scolds me for yelling and being too hard on him. Yet he can hold my son down and restrain him for crying because he’s scared. He’s so overly concerned about what his parents and even the methed out neighbors on this Rez think!
Since he became a police officer he’s become even more aggressive and controlling, ordering me around, pointing at me and signaling where he wants me to go… he has even pushed me on two occasions, once into an unstable closet door, something he never dared to do before. I have no friends or family of my own for 700+ miles. He keeps pushing me to befriend the girls who work for tribal PD and the police wives, Ladies that he spends more time texting than engaging with his wife and son when he’s at home. I assume so he can keep me on a leash of sorts.
He also has an obsession with politics and hatred for Trump… one that I identify with but don’t obsess over. He’s passionate about it. To the point of hating Christians Because they’re all Republicans. His feelings about church have also driven a wedge between me and church. He hates lesbians too. His last girlfriend cheated on him with a woman so they’re all horrible. Her story is that it was an attempt at a threesome.
My husband fantasizes about a threesome, but not with another girl. In fact he struggles with his sexual identity and we barely have sex at all. When we do he acts like it’s some great gift to me. There’s no tenderness or intimacy and obviously no thrill for me. And I’m sure he’s imagining some dude’s brown Star while doing it.
The last thing I’m going to mention before resting my weary head is I’ve noticed that all of his exes are bipolar. I’ve often wondered (since I feel bipolar when he’s around) if he drove them crazy or if they were even bipolar at all.
I’m so relieved to find confirmation that I’m not crazy— now I KNOW he’s trying to drive me crazy. But what now? I don’t feel loved, I don’t think he has an understanding for love. I don’t want to be around a person with such narcissistic psychopathic tendencies but I’m afraid to let on to his tactics. A person capable of mind fucking you can’t be underestimated. My biggest fear is that he will use all of this against me and paint a picture of a mentally unstable ‘drug’ addict (I smoke pot and take Buspirone for GAD-which I started when he moved me to a reservation in Montana where I was homesick, isolated and depressed). Now We’re back on another reservation in SD still homesick, isolated and depressed. I stay for fear of losing my son. He is Native American, adopted from my husband’s tribe. Tribal custody is overseen by the tribe and usually granted to the Native parent, regardless of the situation. I feel powerless and he knows it. I feel stuck, trapped, isolated, and hopeless. I need a plan. Please help!
I dont know what to say except that I understand and you are not alone. I was caught up in a cult 14 years ago, because people were envious of my strength and ability to make independant and strong decisions. Just know you are not alone…I am sorry that happened to you. Even my closest and long time friends lie to me. It is scary, and leaves me filled with sorrow. I am sorry.
I was married to a cop for 4 years and with him before I was even legal age. In our town he is a savior and could do no wrong. He also “allowed” me to smoke pot. Long story short. I lost custody of our daughter because of my pot smoking and him saying I was bipolar. I was never diagnosed butsince he said it in court then it made it true. He loved the fact that weed stays in the system for 30+ days. So if I left he could instantly file for emergency custody and have me drug tested within 3 days and poof. Im erased as my daughter’s mother. Just like that. Spent my whole inheritance fighting him for years in court until finally running out of money and losing. Now he even gets child support. He comes out on top. The cops always do. My advice ia to get clean and make sure you make the first move legally. If I could do it all over I think that would have helped me. So good luck. Get away from that asshole! Most cops are evil. I think there are still good ones out there but they definitely have to prove they arent the asshole to me instead of the other way around. After you are married to one you earn the right to call them the scumbags that they are. Good luck!
Do you have a friend or family member you can reach out to for support? Or even a little visit off rez? If only to get some clarity and respite. Tell husband you need a mental health day or two, bring your son along to broaden his horizons and renew connections. Take a bus or a train….He doesn’t own you, though for sure he probably thinks he does. I hope you find a way.
The past five years have been spent wrapping my head around narcissism, all of the life affecting issues of true level of abuser spouse of 20 plus years and my implied danger is actual and others see it but not just from spouse but mother as well sprinkling my brother’s assistance in there too.
I don’t believe that I’ve fully seen the complete picture even still. Seeing some signs of my exhusbands handiwork manifesting in our sons, a true soul crushing moment happened last night with oldest adult son who is autistic. Rendering me inconsequential and unwanted to his abuser father’s attention sonething denied most of jis life. Already exhausted, I have a very short time frame to make many crucial decisions like walking away for self preservation, stay n fight requiring son to face truth of abuse so I can protect him once again, or have another nervous breakdown. Son often calls himself the lone wolf. Information helping me alot.
What do you do if you don’t know who to trust and who all is involved in the gas lighting?