The only way you can describe how you feel is that you feel minimized. You feel crushed and smothered. You’re constantly second-guessing yourself; your feelings, your perceptions, your memories, and a small, suffocated part inside of you wonders whether you are actually going crazy.
You feel neurotic, you feel hyper-sensitive and you feel an overwhelming sense of alienation.
What is wrong with you?
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If you can identify with what I just wrote, you are most likely experiencing a sophisticated manipulation technique known as Gaslighting. This technique undermines your entire perception of reality and can slowly creep into your relationships, friendships, family life and work life.
Although you might feel crazy, although you might feel imbalanced and irrational, there is still hope.
Table of contents
What is Gaslighting?
Inspired by the 1940 and 1944 films “Gas Light,” where a husband systematically manipulates his wife in order to make her feel crazy, the term “Gaslighting” is now commonly used to describe behavior that is inherently manipulative.
Gaslighting, at its core, is a form of emotional abuse that slowly eats away at your ability to make judgments.
Essentially, a Gaslighter spins their negative, harmful or destructive words and actions in their favor, deflecting the blame for their abusive deeds and pointing the finger at you. This is often done by making you feel “overly sensitive,” “paranoid,” “mentally unstable,” “silly,” “unhinged,” and many other sensations which cause you to doubt yourself.
Commonly adopted by psychopathic, sociopathic and narcissistic types of people, Gaslighting tends to eat away at you slowly until you realize that you’re a shell of the former person you were.
3 Examples of Gaslighting
Let’s take a look at some examples of Gaslighting.
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In a family scenario: Andrew’s father is an angry, bitter man. Every day Andrew is afraid to “tip the balance” of his father’s mood because he often bursts out in fits of rage calling Andrew a “bastard” and a “worthless little loser,” among many other hurtful names. When Andrew confronts his father about this aggressive name-calling, Andrew’s father laughs and tells him “to stop being so sensitive.”
In a relationship scenario: Jade has been married for 5 years and has two small children with her husband Mike. For the past few months, Jade has been trying to establish a small art shop, but when she asks for her husband’s assistance his mood darkens: “I can’t believe you’re spending so much time on this shop—don’t you care about me—don’t you care about your kids? You’re supposed to be mothering them!” he exclaims. Jade is shocked, “But I just wanted you to help me with setting up the store! And I haven’t been neglecting anyone!” Mike comes up very close to Jade’s face: “You see! Now you’re denying it. When I married you I thought you’d be there for your family. I should just take the kids and go already!” Mike storms off. Later, when Jade sits down to talk with Mike about his threat, Mike says, “Honey, you know you were overreacting, and you know that you’ve been obsessing over this shop too much. That makes the rest of us feel very ignored and excluded, I hope you understand that.”
At work scenario: Sophie has been working in her department for the past five years when she is given a promotion to migrate to another level of the company that pays a higher salary. However, Sophie has been given a trial period to determine whether she is capable of fulfilling her duties or not. Nervously, she meets with her new supervisor, Kelly. At first, Sophie likes her supervisor and fulfills all of her tasks on time. However, her supervisor begins to ask her to do belittling chores and favors here and there with increasing frequency. While Sophie is fine with helping out, she finds that Kelly is becoming more and more demanding. Finally, as Sophie’s work piles up to an unbearable level, she tells Kelly that she needs to focus on completing her work, but she can help another time. Later, in a staff meeting, Kelly introduces Sophie to everyone and says, “Although she’s not keeping up with us yet, I’m sure she’ll learn to embody our hard-working ethics soon!” Immediately, Sophie blushes and feels publicly insulted and humiliated, fearing for the security of her new job. Later when Sophie asks her supervisor why she thinks that “she is not embodying their hard-working ethic,” her supervisor says: “I think you misunderstood me. I just said that you’re not used to our pace of work so that other people can help you out.” From then on Sophie accepts all extra demands and chores, no matter how much work she has, or how demeaning the tasks are.
How to Know Whether Someone is Gaslighting You
Gaslighting is so harmful because it promotes anxiety, depression, and with enough frequency in our lives, can sometimes trigger nervous breakdowns. So the question now it: are you being gaslighted? How can you know whether you’re experiencing this subtle form of manipulation in your life? Review the following tell-tale signs:
- Something is “off” about your friend, partner, son, daughter, mother, father, sister, brother, colleagues, boss, or other person in your life … but you can’t quite explain or pinpoint what.
- You frequently second-guess your ability to remember the details of past events leaving you psychologically powerless.
- You feel confused and disorientated.
- You feel threatened and on-edge around this person, but you don’t know why.
- You feel the need to apologize all the time for what you do or who you are.
- You never quite feel “good enough” and try to live up to the expectations and demands of others, even if they are unreasonable or harm you in some way.
- You feel like there’s something fundamentally wrong with you, e.g. you’re neurotic or are “losing it.”
- You feel like you’re constantly overreacting or are “too sensitive.”
- You feel isolated, hopeless, misunderstood and depressed.
- You find it hard to trust your own judgment, and given a choice, you choose to believe the judgment of the abuser.
- You feel scared and as though “something is terribly wrong,” but you don’t know what or why.
- You find it hard to make decisions because you distrust yourself.
- You feel as though you’re a much weaker version of yourself, and you were much more strong and confident in the past.
- You feel guilty for not feeling happy like you used to.
- You’ve become afraid of “speaking up” or expressing your emotions, so you stay silent instead.
Tactics Used by the Gaslighter
Gaslighters use a variety of subtle techniques to undermine your reality and portray you as the disturbed and messed up one. These include, for example:
- Discrediting you by making other people think that you’re crazy, irrational or unstable.
- Using a mask of confidence, assertiveness, and/or fake compassion to make you believe that you “have it all wrong.” Therefore, eventually, you begin to doubt yourself and believe their version of past events.
- Changing the subject. The gaslighter may divert the topic by asking another question, or making a statement usually directed at your thoughts, e.g. “You’re imagining things—that never happened!” “No, you’re wrong, you didn’t remember right.” “Is that another crazy idea you got from your (family member/friend)?”
- Minimizing. By trivializing how you feel and what you think, the gaslighter gains more and more power over you, e.g. “Why are you being so sensitive?” “You don’t need to get angry over a little thing like that!” “I was just joking around, why are you taking things so seriously?”
- Denial and avoidance. By refusing to acknowledge your feelings and thoughts, the gaslighter causes you to doubt yourself more and more. For example, “I don’t remember that, you must have dreamt it!” “You’re lying, I never said that.” “I don’t know what you’re talking about, you’re changing the subject.”
- Twisting and reframing. When the gaslighter confidently and subtly twists and reframes what was said or done in their favor, they can cause you to second-guess yourself—especially when paired with fake compassion, making you feel as though you are “unstable,” “irrational,” and so forth. For example, “I didn’t say that, I said _____” “I didn’t beat you up Johnny, I just gave you a smack around the head—that’s what all good fathers do.” “If you remember correctly, I was actually trying to help you.”
Why Empaths Often Get Gaslighted
An empath is a person who is highly sensitive to the energy of others. Empaths are known as energy sponges because they absorb the emotional pain around them. As a result, empaths tend to be highly self-sacrificing in an attempt to make everyone’s lives better.
When it comes to gaslighting, empaths are easy targets because they often struggle to differentiate themselves from their abusers. In other words, while they are highly intuitive and perceptive people, empaths often lack personal boundaries and struggle to say “no.” And no boundaries = perfect prey for narcissistic gaslighting techniques!
I’ve explored the issue of narcissistic gaslighting abuse in my book Awakened Empath.
If you think this might be an issue for you, it’s definitely worth checking out. This is a serious issue that can create long-term harm in your life, especially if you’re a sensitive person.
Healing the Wounds Ignited by Gaslighting
Gaslighting causes us to doubt our own memories, perceptions, and judgments, throwing us emotionally and psychologically off balance.
If you feel as though your self-esteem, confidence, and independence has withered under the flame of gaslighting you are not alone … and there certainly is hope!
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Almost all of us, including myself, have experienced one form of Gaslighting or another throughout life.
The problems arise when Gaslighting is a frequent shadow that trails behind our relationships and partnerships.
The good news is that knowledge and awareness is the first step to healing your life and rebuilding the strong, perceptive person you are … and you have already taken it!
While it is true that in some situations we genuinely might be overreacting, or might genuinely be exhibiting irrational behavior, it is also important for you to listen to your instinct or intuition.
Do you have a heavy feeling in the pit of your stomach? Do you feel weighed down and oppressed? Do you feel depressed? These are signs that you have unconsciously picked up on deception and “foul play.”
While we can consciously be fooled, unconsciously we can’t, and often we will have a lingering feeling that “something just isn’t right.” Make sure that you listen to this feeling and seek help, either professionally or socially (i.e. a trusted group of friends or a support network).
In summary, here are some ways to support yourself in the face of gaslighting:
- Firstly clarify to yourself how, when and who is gaslighting you. Think about what ways they make you feel unhinged and like you’re losing it. Write down whatever you can think of. You must be able to confirm that you’re being gaslighted before you can move on with your life.
- Pay attention to the signs of being gaslighted, like feeling confused, belittled, “crazy” or manipulated. Take a deep breath, clear your mind, and center yourself. Set aside regular time for grounding each day through meditation or a mindfulness exercise. These techniques will help you to stay objective even in difficult circumstances.
- Decide whether it’s worth continuing your friendship or relationship. If you’re in a working relationship, think about whether it’s worth staying in your job or not. If you want to stay, think about ways to minimize interaction with the gaslighter until you feel grounded and confident.
- Talk to trusted friends or loved ones about your problem. Alternatively, seek help from a mentor or therapist who can help you do some shadow work.
- Shift your perspective from being a victim to being a warrior/winner or whatever word feels the most empowering. You don’t have to remain a victim for the rest of your life, and by reclaiming your personal power, you’ll also be able to help others in similar circumstances.
- Read my emotional abuse article to deepen your understanding of this topic.
I hope these actions can help you regain a sense of personal clarity, confidence, and empowerment once again as you recover from the gaslighter’s mind games.
***
If you have left a relationship in which you were being gaslighted, and are being targeted by a narcissist in your life again, check out my article on “hoovering” which is another twisted emotional manipulation technique.
Are you experiencing Gaslighting? Do you know someone else who is? Do you have any recommendations that would help others? Please share below.
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I was being gang stalked and tech stalked by my gaslighter. They had turned it into a game and since I have a history of self harm, the goal of the game was obviously to get me to kill myself. I was being followed everywhere I went from the moment I emerged in public every day until I was able to shake pursuers and get home every evening. They infiltrated every level of my life so I made a plan to leave the state. Unfortunately I was so immersed in their world and damaged by their infiltrations that I had come to rely on gaslighting tactics to defend myself from them and I began subconsciously employing the techniques myself in my personal relationships. I maneuvered myself into a friendship in which I was positive that they were the only one I could trust. Completely codependent, they became my life line and roommate. Unfortunately I suffered a good deal of stress preparing for departure and as I was trying to work through the static in my mind I lashed out against them repeatedly. Now I find myself once again a victim of gaslighting, though the gaslighter may not know that they… Read more »
Hi…
I just ended a 5 year relationship with a Narcissist girlfriend. I concluded that I was being gas lighted to believe her lies and it really took a toll on me. Thank God, I have a few good friends that helped me see the spiral I was in. I think your work is very important in helping those that are treated like this, to heal. Please keep it up.
It is really hard to understand how another human being can be so damaging to someone that loves them. I have a long road to recovery, but with the grace of God, I will heal. I have gone no contact with her.
Any suggestions on the steps to healing would be appreciated.
Thank you.
Michael
I had to look this up because it almost feels like my entire family is gaslighting me. I feel like I’m in the Twilight Zone or Invasion of the Body Snatchers trying to figure out their way of doing things. My family has always been about helping each other out and overall good people but over time they are becoming increasingly financially irresponsible. I feel all bills and utilities should be paid early and on time then any frivolous spending comes last. They do the opposite so everything is late and half the time they don’t have the money to pay the bills so I have to contribute which takes away from my goals. Helping them is keeping me from advancing in life while they are stuck in the same rut. They can see how frustrated I am but they feel I’m over reacting and sensitive which in turn makes me feel like I’m losing my mind.
I’ve been married 11 years this year. I was feeling broken and lost and isolated today and reached out to friends I usually wouldnt. I just let all the latest come flying out. My girlfriend asked if I thought he was gaslighting me. I had to look it up and the definition was spot on!! I’ve been reading this article just in awe. I’ve always known since our very first fight he was doing SOMETHING but couldn’t figure it out. And now I find myself shut down (even to my kids) in bed more than not. Every big thing he’s done or said to hurt me he fights tooth and nail it didn’t happen. I’m always called crazy and miserable. Even the smallest issues I bring up are always greeted with no, I didn’t do/say that. I’m shocked I’m TODAY old and realizing this is a thing! He IS doing something manipulative. I’m not crazy, drama queen, miserable person. I just have no idea how to get out now that I’ve made this realization.
I was being gaslighted (or gaslit? If that’s what you say for past tense?) at work. I work, as a teacher, in a school for children with special needs. Their needs vary. It’s mainly a “behaviour” school. So it’s for young people who have been kicked out of mainstream school because their behaviour prevented them from being able to access education and so they come to us and we try to help them with their behaviour so that they can begin to access education again. When I first arrived at the PRU (it’s called a pupil referral unit) it was a hell hole. I’d been sent to try to help “turn it around” and I succeeded. I went there with oodles and oodles of enthusiasm. I wanted to do the best possible job that I could at turning the place around. I began working on my classroom. I made my classroom beautiful. I turned it from this drab, dreary, horrible room to this beautiful, colourful, homely haven for my little angels to come into and feel safe, happy, loved and cared for. Little did I know, lurking in the darkness, in the classroom next door, was a green eyed monster… Read more »
Hello,
I want to share my story because I am going through the recovery process. I start dating my best friend sister but based on the fact that i care so much about the people who i love i got trapped in a gaslighting situation for sure. I was going through a lot of stress at work and she started demanding that I did not pay attention to her, it was distorsioning all the facts that I saw in her when obviously she was cheating on me. She used all type of distractions she minimized me and made feel that I was wrong all the time. Even she complaint about my sex skills when I have been told for my past relationships that, that’s one of gems in a relationship. Even when I have studied psychology years ago I got hit really bad on this and I started having panic attacks and anxiety episodes. I broke up with her went the gut told me that if did not do it I would have lost my mind for sure. Please share this information I would have loved getting this article months ago. Thank you
It’s amazing just how isolated and trapped you can feel in a feeling or situation that others also go through. You feel like you’re the only one and you refuse to validate or even allow your thoughts to surface. I’m so glad I found this website because reading through it made me realise that literally every experience, frightening emotion or state of mind I have been in, has a name for it. It can be identified, acknowledged as something that is real and something that others also have been through. That knowledge itself is so empowering.
I am very interested, and I am eager to read Awakening the Empath.
So if my ex gf broke up with me and claimed I was emotionally abusive and swears I called her a bitch when I said she was being bitchy, which she was for like over an hour and just attacking me, and another time claims I called her a hypocrite when I said she was being hypocritical about calling me out for being in a bad mood when she basically was raging almost every day. Would that be an example of reframing and gaslighting. Basically made me feel like a monster after she dumped me.
How do you help your parent who has been the victim of your other parent for decades? Is there any hope is helping the victim out of this terrible situation (which they are also blind to) ? This is the situation I am in. I’ve see it so clearly for almost a year, and it’s so maddening/sad/overwhelming. I love my parent who’s the victim of the other. The other parent is 100 percent a sociopath, without a doubt. The victim hasn’t seen this, and probably never will. What do I do?