The only way you can describe how you feel is that you feel minimized. You feel crushed and smothered. You’re constantly second-guessing yourself; your feelings, your perceptions, your memories, and a small, suffocated part inside of you wonders whether you are actually going crazy.
You feel neurotic, you feel hyper-sensitive and you feel an overwhelming sense of alienation.
What is wrong with you?
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If you can identify with what I just wrote, you are most likely experiencing a sophisticated manipulation technique known as Gaslighting. This technique undermines your entire perception of reality and can slowly creep into your relationships, friendships, family life and work life.
Although you might feel crazy, although you might feel imbalanced and irrational, there is still hope.
Table of contents
What is Gaslighting?
Inspired by the 1940 and 1944 films “Gas Light,” where a husband systematically manipulates his wife in order to make her feel crazy, the term “Gaslighting” is now commonly used to describe behavior that is inherently manipulative.
Gaslighting, at its core, is a form of emotional abuse that slowly eats away at your ability to make judgments.
Essentially, a Gaslighter spins their negative, harmful or destructive words and actions in their favor, deflecting the blame for their abusive deeds and pointing the finger at you. This is often done by making you feel “overly sensitive,” “paranoid,” “mentally unstable,” “silly,” “unhinged,” and many other sensations which cause you to doubt yourself.
Commonly adopted by psychopathic, sociopathic and narcissistic types of people, Gaslighting tends to eat away at you slowly until you realize that you’re a shell of the former person you were.
3 Examples of Gaslighting
Let’s take a look at some examples of Gaslighting.
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In a family scenario: Andrew’s father is an angry, bitter man. Every day Andrew is afraid to “tip the balance” of his father’s mood because he often bursts out in fits of rage calling Andrew a “bastard” and a “worthless little loser,” among many other hurtful names. When Andrew confronts his father about this aggressive name-calling, Andrew’s father laughs and tells him “to stop being so sensitive.”
In a relationship scenario: Jade has been married for 5 years and has two small children with her husband Mike. For the past few months, Jade has been trying to establish a small art shop, but when she asks for her husband’s assistance his mood darkens: “I can’t believe you’re spending so much time on this shop—don’t you care about me—don’t you care about your kids? You’re supposed to be mothering them!” he exclaims. Jade is shocked, “But I just wanted you to help me with setting up the store! And I haven’t been neglecting anyone!” Mike comes up very close to Jade’s face: “You see! Now you’re denying it. When I married you I thought you’d be there for your family. I should just take the kids and go already!” Mike storms off. Later, when Jade sits down to talk with Mike about his threat, Mike says, “Honey, you know you were overreacting, and you know that you’ve been obsessing over this shop too much. That makes the rest of us feel very ignored and excluded, I hope you understand that.”
At work scenario: Sophie has been working in her department for the past five years when she is given a promotion to migrate to another level of the company that pays a higher salary. However, Sophie has been given a trial period to determine whether she is capable of fulfilling her duties or not. Nervously, she meets with her new supervisor, Kelly. At first, Sophie likes her supervisor and fulfills all of her tasks on time. However, her supervisor begins to ask her to do belittling chores and favors here and there with increasing frequency. While Sophie is fine with helping out, she finds that Kelly is becoming more and more demanding. Finally, as Sophie’s work piles up to an unbearable level, she tells Kelly that she needs to focus on completing her work, but she can help another time. Later, in a staff meeting, Kelly introduces Sophie to everyone and says, “Although she’s not keeping up with us yet, I’m sure she’ll learn to embody our hard-working ethics soon!” Immediately, Sophie blushes and feels publicly insulted and humiliated, fearing for the security of her new job. Later when Sophie asks her supervisor why she thinks that “she is not embodying their hard-working ethic,” her supervisor says: “I think you misunderstood me. I just said that you’re not used to our pace of work so that other people can help you out.” From then on Sophie accepts all extra demands and chores, no matter how much work she has, or how demeaning the tasks are.
How to Know Whether Someone is Gaslighting You
Gaslighting is so harmful because it promotes anxiety, depression, and with enough frequency in our lives, can sometimes trigger nervous breakdowns. So the question now it: are you being gaslighted? How can you know whether you’re experiencing this subtle form of manipulation in your life? Review the following tell-tale signs:
- Something is “off” about your friend, partner, son, daughter, mother, father, sister, brother, colleagues, boss, or other person in your life … but you can’t quite explain or pinpoint what.
- You frequently second-guess your ability to remember the details of past events leaving you psychologically powerless.
- You feel confused and disorientated.
- You feel threatened and on-edge around this person, but you don’t know why.
- You feel the need to apologize all the time for what you do or who you are.
- You never quite feel “good enough” and try to live up to the expectations and demands of others, even if they are unreasonable or harm you in some way.
- You feel like there’s something fundamentally wrong with you, e.g. you’re neurotic or are “losing it.”
- You feel like you’re constantly overreacting or are “too sensitive.”
- You feel isolated, hopeless, misunderstood and depressed.
- You find it hard to trust your own judgment, and given a choice, you choose to believe the judgment of the abuser.
- You feel scared and as though “something is terribly wrong,” but you don’t know what or why.
- You find it hard to make decisions because you distrust yourself.
- You feel as though you’re a much weaker version of yourself, and you were much more strong and confident in the past.
- You feel guilty for not feeling happy like you used to.
- You’ve become afraid of “speaking up” or expressing your emotions, so you stay silent instead.
Tactics Used by the Gaslighter
Gaslighters use a variety of subtle techniques to undermine your reality and portray you as the disturbed and messed up one. These include, for example:
- Discrediting you by making other people think that you’re crazy, irrational or unstable.
- Using a mask of confidence, assertiveness, and/or fake compassion to make you believe that you “have it all wrong.” Therefore, eventually, you begin to doubt yourself and believe their version of past events.
- Changing the subject. The gaslighter may divert the topic by asking another question, or making a statement usually directed at your thoughts, e.g. “You’re imagining things—that never happened!” “No, you’re wrong, you didn’t remember right.” “Is that another crazy idea you got from your (family member/friend)?”
- Minimizing. By trivializing how you feel and what you think, the gaslighter gains more and more power over you, e.g. “Why are you being so sensitive?” “You don’t need to get angry over a little thing like that!” “I was just joking around, why are you taking things so seriously?”
- Denial and avoidance. By refusing to acknowledge your feelings and thoughts, the gaslighter causes you to doubt yourself more and more. For example, “I don’t remember that, you must have dreamt it!” “You’re lying, I never said that.” “I don’t know what you’re talking about, you’re changing the subject.”
- Twisting and reframing. When the gaslighter confidently and subtly twists and reframes what was said or done in their favor, they can cause you to second-guess yourself—especially when paired with fake compassion, making you feel as though you are “unstable,” “irrational,” and so forth. For example, “I didn’t say that, I said _____” “I didn’t beat you up Johnny, I just gave you a smack around the head—that’s what all good fathers do.” “If you remember correctly, I was actually trying to help you.”
Why Empaths Often Get Gaslighted
An empath is a person who is highly sensitive to the energy of others. Empaths are known as energy sponges because they absorb the emotional pain around them. As a result, empaths tend to be highly self-sacrificing in an attempt to make everyone’s lives better.
When it comes to gaslighting, empaths are easy targets because they often struggle to differentiate themselves from their abusers. In other words, while they are highly intuitive and perceptive people, empaths often lack personal boundaries and struggle to say “no.” And no boundaries = perfect prey for narcissistic gaslighting techniques!
I’ve explored the issue of narcissistic gaslighting abuse in my book Awakened Empath.
If you think this might be an issue for you, it’s definitely worth checking out. This is a serious issue that can create long-term harm in your life, especially if you’re a sensitive person.
Healing the Wounds Ignited by Gaslighting
Gaslighting causes us to doubt our own memories, perceptions, and judgments, throwing us emotionally and psychologically off balance.
If you feel as though your self-esteem, confidence, and independence has withered under the flame of gaslighting you are not alone … and there certainly is hope!
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Almost all of us, including myself, have experienced one form of Gaslighting or another throughout life.
The problems arise when Gaslighting is a frequent shadow that trails behind our relationships and partnerships.
The good news is that knowledge and awareness is the first step to healing your life and rebuilding the strong, perceptive person you are … and you have already taken it!
While it is true that in some situations we genuinely might be overreacting, or might genuinely be exhibiting irrational behavior, it is also important for you to listen to your instinct or intuition.
Do you have a heavy feeling in the pit of your stomach? Do you feel weighed down and oppressed? Do you feel depressed? These are signs that you have unconsciously picked up on deception and “foul play.”
While we can consciously be fooled, unconsciously we can’t, and often we will have a lingering feeling that “something just isn’t right.” Make sure that you listen to this feeling and seek help, either professionally or socially (i.e. a trusted group of friends or a support network).
In summary, here are some ways to support yourself in the face of gaslighting:
- Firstly clarify to yourself how, when and who is gaslighting you. Think about what ways they make you feel unhinged and like you’re losing it. Write down whatever you can think of. You must be able to confirm that you’re being gaslighted before you can move on with your life.
- Pay attention to the signs of being gaslighted, like feeling confused, belittled, “crazy” or manipulated. Take a deep breath, clear your mind, and center yourself. Set aside regular time for grounding each day through meditation or a mindfulness exercise. These techniques will help you to stay objective even in difficult circumstances.
- Decide whether it’s worth continuing your friendship or relationship. If you’re in a working relationship, think about whether it’s worth staying in your job or not. If you want to stay, think about ways to minimize interaction with the gaslighter until you feel grounded and confident.
- Talk to trusted friends or loved ones about your problem. Alternatively, seek help from a mentor or therapist who can help you do some shadow work.
- Shift your perspective from being a victim to being a warrior/winner or whatever word feels the most empowering. You don’t have to remain a victim for the rest of your life, and by reclaiming your personal power, you’ll also be able to help others in similar circumstances.
- Read my emotional abuse article to deepen your understanding of this topic.
I hope these actions can help you regain a sense of personal clarity, confidence, and empowerment once again as you recover from the gaslighter’s mind games.
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If you have left a relationship in which you were being gaslighted, and are being targeted by a narcissist in your life again, check out my article on “hoovering” which is another twisted emotional manipulation technique.
Are you experiencing Gaslighting? Do you know someone else who is? Do you have any recommendations that would help others? Please share below.
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My father and every serious relationship I’ve had! And although now I know it was def them not me, being a victim of these people forever erodes your trust and ability to form new relationships. I’d rather be lonely than risk allowing another into my life and then have to again try to get out and deal with the damage they cause.
I’ve just now (after being discarded 6 months ago) begun to come out of the fog and recognize some of these manipulative and mind altering techniques that were used on me. The hard part of it still, is continuing to miss him or who I thought he was. He also portrays hatred towards me and I desperately want to be in a place that I no longer care what he thinks about me. I wish I could be disgusted by him and just be happy and relieved I am better without him. How does one go about getting to that place?
My husband does this, and we are both recovering addicts and co dependants….. With that being said, we both have things that need to be worked on when it ces to our behaviors. But he does try to make me think I’m crazy and manipulates me and has outbursts of anger. But I know that he doesn’t wake up in the morning and say hmmm I think I’m gonna be a dick and manipulate my wife and hurt her. He knows he has things he needs and wants to work on but for whatever reason he doesn’t want to think that I’m smart enough to know the root of the problem therefore will not take any advice or constructive critisi whatsoever. It is emotional abuse no doubt about that, but I know that he loves me more than life itself and is willing to work on things in our marriage to have a healthier one. He just needs to get over his denial of being a prideful jerk that hurts me and that he can be wrong. I don’t know it just drives me crazy and breaks my heart that he does do this stuff and doesn’t respect my opinion… Read more »
Thank you for this… I now understand what it was that I dealt with three years ago. It was very frustrating for me back then because I knew I had a very strong memory (it’s in my genes) but when I confronted him about the things he said, it felt like I was remembering them incorrectly. I felt so unsure and it was very hard to cope especially when I knew I was very smart and I knew what was said, what I heard, what happened. Your article is very helpful for me because now I understand why I had to move away from him. It was very hard but something was telling me to get away so I did. I’d like to think those were my angels. Thanks Aletheia.
I have been gaslighted for 1 year and 2 months at an office. I was made to believe that I was in love with a particular guy from day one. I knew I was not in love with that guy, but a gang of people (about 150 to 200) were set up by some influential person at a top post (who was the guy’s relative) and they were constantly brainwashing me that I was in relationship with that guy. Forced me to propose that guy. Then made me suffer. Told me a lot of lies on how the guy was in love with me, how we were made for each other, etc. Deep inside I knew the truth, but whenever I protested I was degraded, mocked at, lied to, threatened, etc. Lot of manipulative techniques were used like that guy accidentally being present on places I go, he messaging me from someone else’s mobile, spies following me everywhere, my mobile being tapped, every word I said being spread across, etc. They altered my reality. I was completely stressed out. I was changing to suit them and to get validation from them. No matter how hard I worked, my work was… Read more »
I was gas lighted from as early as I can remember all the way up to dinner tonight. That’s 47.5 years, except that I actually ‘got away’ for 20 years. My mother (I use that term loosely) is my primary abuser. All I can say is that I had this done to me at such a young age, I learned as a three year old that if I didn’t hold on tight to the grocery cart or my mom’s purse or her dress that I would ‘wander off and get lost’ when in reality she was trying to lose me in every store or public event. She tried that one last time, on a cross country car trip to meet up with my father who was on a business trip. She ran away from me in a grocery store more than a thousand miles from our home and I didn’t know our last name or her first name to tell the police when the store manager finally called them. She didn’t come back for over four hours. Eventually she did come back, and I am relatively certain it was only because my older brother hadn’t followed instructions — hadn’t stayed… Read more »
Thank you, I’ve desperately needed this. I’ve had this done to me all my life by my mother. I’m glad that I now know it’s not “just me being me”.
Story of my life, thanks to Uncle Sam. I stand in solidarity with military sex abuse survivors, because I was a proud Sailor, until my pelvis was fractured & didn’t heal. I was medically discharged, still needing lots of care for the chronic pain. The Department of Veterans Affairs put a physician on my case who was a liar and sexual predator. He convinced me to undergo unapproved treatment, no nurse present, and I was raped. Continuous patient exploitation pushed me to run out of the state to re-start my life. He located me again and stalked me for months, even taking time off from medical duties & being on medical school clinical faculty to fly out and say to me, “I have done you a grave disservice.” Mainly he tried to see if I remembered all I’d been through. Yeah, I do. There is such a thing as an “Iatrogenic Illness,” which is one resulting from the activity of a health care provider or institution; said of any adverse condition in a patient resulting from treatment by a physician or allied health professional. You know Uncle Sam will not let that term be associated with my life. Twenty-nine years… Read more »
as a personality disordered individual I think both is true and can apply to one and the same person. The thought of telling people things like “I am hitting you. It’s YOUR brain causing the pain. why do you make ME resposible? Do you know there are men walking on hot coals?” gives me pleasure because I want to see if they have feelings like I once did. Is that part of a mental illness? yes. Does it make me an asshole? yes. Remember it’s called a disorder not because there some monster stting in our heads but because our brains are wired so that the personality (I hope that doesn’t sound too provokative!) is basically shitty.
WOW while the first part of your article explains the examples well but the other part like most articles on the web will surely mislead the abusive/delusions/egoistic people who always think they are right and vindicate them. If my ex-girl who I am still friends with reads this especially the point where she questions her memory will surely think I am gaslighting her. She actually does not remember but I have a great memory I remember each and every word and expression some even when I was a 6 year old kid(and seriously I think that is a disorder and I need to forget shit that old) She thinks I twist words when she is the one taking it the wrong way. But if she reads this article I think it will be the end of our friendship. Now when I think about it I think I have been gaslighted unknowingly of knowingly by her and many others but my picture perfect memory has saved me. I can see where many people around me were wrong but they were literally lying but my good memory saved me will now see me as gaslighting. Now wonder this is getting very popular… Read more »