The only way you can describe how you feel is that you feel minimized. You feel crushed and smothered. You’re constantly second-guessing yourself; your feelings, your perceptions, your memories, and a small, suffocated part inside of you wonders whether you are actually going crazy.
You feel neurotic, you feel hyper-sensitive and you feel an overwhelming sense of alienation.
What is wrong with you?
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If you can identify with what I just wrote, you are most likely experiencing a sophisticated manipulation technique known as Gaslighting. This technique undermines your entire perception of reality and can slowly creep into your relationships, friendships, family life and work life.
Although you might feel crazy, although you might feel imbalanced and irrational, there is still hope.
Table of contents
What is Gaslighting?
Inspired by the 1940 and 1944 films “Gas Light,” where a husband systematically manipulates his wife in order to make her feel crazy, the term “Gaslighting” is now commonly used to describe behavior that is inherently manipulative.
Gaslighting, at its core, is a form of emotional abuse that slowly eats away at your ability to make judgments.
Essentially, a Gaslighter spins their negative, harmful or destructive words and actions in their favor, deflecting the blame for their abusive deeds and pointing the finger at you. This is often done by making you feel “overly sensitive,” “paranoid,” “mentally unstable,” “silly,” “unhinged,” and many other sensations which cause you to doubt yourself.
Commonly adopted by psychopathic, sociopathic and narcissistic types of people, Gaslighting tends to eat away at you slowly until you realize that you’re a shell of the former person you were.
3 Examples of Gaslighting
Let’s take a look at some examples of Gaslighting.
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In a family scenario: Andrew’s father is an angry, bitter man. Every day Andrew is afraid to “tip the balance” of his father’s mood because he often bursts out in fits of rage calling Andrew a “bastard” and a “worthless little loser,” among many other hurtful names. When Andrew confronts his father about this aggressive name-calling, Andrew’s father laughs and tells him “to stop being so sensitive.”
In a relationship scenario: Jade has been married for 5 years and has two small children with her husband Mike. For the past few months, Jade has been trying to establish a small art shop, but when she asks for her husband’s assistance his mood darkens: “I can’t believe you’re spending so much time on this shop—don’t you care about me—don’t you care about your kids? You’re supposed to be mothering them!” he exclaims. Jade is shocked, “But I just wanted you to help me with setting up the store! And I haven’t been neglecting anyone!” Mike comes up very close to Jade’s face: “You see! Now you’re denying it. When I married you I thought you’d be there for your family. I should just take the kids and go already!” Mike storms off. Later, when Jade sits down to talk with Mike about his threat, Mike says, “Honey, you know you were overreacting, and you know that you’ve been obsessing over this shop too much. That makes the rest of us feel very ignored and excluded, I hope you understand that.”
At work scenario: Sophie has been working in her department for the past five years when she is given a promotion to migrate to another level of the company that pays a higher salary. However, Sophie has been given a trial period to determine whether she is capable of fulfilling her duties or not. Nervously, she meets with her new supervisor, Kelly. At first, Sophie likes her supervisor and fulfills all of her tasks on time. However, her supervisor begins to ask her to do belittling chores and favors here and there with increasing frequency. While Sophie is fine with helping out, she finds that Kelly is becoming more and more demanding. Finally, as Sophie’s work piles up to an unbearable level, she tells Kelly that she needs to focus on completing her work, but she can help another time. Later, in a staff meeting, Kelly introduces Sophie to everyone and says, “Although she’s not keeping up with us yet, I’m sure she’ll learn to embody our hard-working ethics soon!” Immediately, Sophie blushes and feels publicly insulted and humiliated, fearing for the security of her new job. Later when Sophie asks her supervisor why she thinks that “she is not embodying their hard-working ethic,” her supervisor says: “I think you misunderstood me. I just said that you’re not used to our pace of work so that other people can help you out.” From then on Sophie accepts all extra demands and chores, no matter how much work she has, or how demeaning the tasks are.
How to Know Whether Someone is Gaslighting You
Gaslighting is so harmful because it promotes anxiety, depression, and with enough frequency in our lives, can sometimes trigger nervous breakdowns. So the question now it: are you being gaslighted? How can you know whether you’re experiencing this subtle form of manipulation in your life? Review the following tell-tale signs:
- Something is “off” about your friend, partner, son, daughter, mother, father, sister, brother, colleagues, boss, or other person in your life … but you can’t quite explain or pinpoint what.
- You frequently second-guess your ability to remember the details of past events leaving you psychologically powerless.
- You feel confused and disorientated.
- You feel threatened and on-edge around this person, but you don’t know why.
- You feel the need to apologize all the time for what you do or who you are.
- You never quite feel “good enough” and try to live up to the expectations and demands of others, even if they are unreasonable or harm you in some way.
- You feel like there’s something fundamentally wrong with you, e.g. you’re neurotic or are “losing it.”
- You feel like you’re constantly overreacting or are “too sensitive.”
- You feel isolated, hopeless, misunderstood and depressed.
- You find it hard to trust your own judgment, and given a choice, you choose to believe the judgment of the abuser.
- You feel scared and as though “something is terribly wrong,” but you don’t know what or why.
- You find it hard to make decisions because you distrust yourself.
- You feel as though you’re a much weaker version of yourself, and you were much more strong and confident in the past.
- You feel guilty for not feeling happy like you used to.
- You’ve become afraid of “speaking up” or expressing your emotions, so you stay silent instead.
Tactics Used by the Gaslighter
Gaslighters use a variety of subtle techniques to undermine your reality and portray you as the disturbed and messed up one. These include, for example:
- Discrediting you by making other people think that you’re crazy, irrational or unstable.
- Using a mask of confidence, assertiveness, and/or fake compassion to make you believe that you “have it all wrong.” Therefore, eventually, you begin to doubt yourself and believe their version of past events.
- Changing the subject. The gaslighter may divert the topic by asking another question, or making a statement usually directed at your thoughts, e.g. “You’re imagining things—that never happened!” “No, you’re wrong, you didn’t remember right.” “Is that another crazy idea you got from your (family member/friend)?”
- Minimizing. By trivializing how you feel and what you think, the gaslighter gains more and more power over you, e.g. “Why are you being so sensitive?” “You don’t need to get angry over a little thing like that!” “I was just joking around, why are you taking things so seriously?”
- Denial and avoidance. By refusing to acknowledge your feelings and thoughts, the gaslighter causes you to doubt yourself more and more. For example, “I don’t remember that, you must have dreamt it!” “You’re lying, I never said that.” “I don’t know what you’re talking about, you’re changing the subject.”
- Twisting and reframing. When the gaslighter confidently and subtly twists and reframes what was said or done in their favor, they can cause you to second-guess yourself—especially when paired with fake compassion, making you feel as though you are “unstable,” “irrational,” and so forth. For example, “I didn’t say that, I said _____” “I didn’t beat you up Johnny, I just gave you a smack around the head—that’s what all good fathers do.” “If you remember correctly, I was actually trying to help you.”
Why Empaths Often Get Gaslighted
An empath is a person who is highly sensitive to the energy of others. Empaths are known as energy sponges because they absorb the emotional pain around them. As a result, empaths tend to be highly self-sacrificing in an attempt to make everyone’s lives better.
When it comes to gaslighting, empaths are easy targets because they often struggle to differentiate themselves from their abusers. In other words, while they are highly intuitive and perceptive people, empaths often lack personal boundaries and struggle to say “no.” And no boundaries = perfect prey for narcissistic gaslighting techniques!
I’ve explored the issue of narcissistic gaslighting abuse in my book Awakened Empath.
If you think this might be an issue for you, it’s definitely worth checking out. This is a serious issue that can create long-term harm in your life, especially if you’re a sensitive person.
Healing the Wounds Ignited by Gaslighting
Gaslighting causes us to doubt our own memories, perceptions, and judgments, throwing us emotionally and psychologically off balance.
If you feel as though your self-esteem, confidence, and independence has withered under the flame of gaslighting you are not alone … and there certainly is hope!
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Almost all of us, including myself, have experienced one form of Gaslighting or another throughout life.
The problems arise when Gaslighting is a frequent shadow that trails behind our relationships and partnerships.
The good news is that knowledge and awareness is the first step to healing your life and rebuilding the strong, perceptive person you are … and you have already taken it!
While it is true that in some situations we genuinely might be overreacting, or might genuinely be exhibiting irrational behavior, it is also important for you to listen to your instinct or intuition.
Do you have a heavy feeling in the pit of your stomach? Do you feel weighed down and oppressed? Do you feel depressed? These are signs that you have unconsciously picked up on deception and “foul play.”
While we can consciously be fooled, unconsciously we can’t, and often we will have a lingering feeling that “something just isn’t right.” Make sure that you listen to this feeling and seek help, either professionally or socially (i.e. a trusted group of friends or a support network).
In summary, here are some ways to support yourself in the face of gaslighting:
- Firstly clarify to yourself how, when and who is gaslighting you. Think about what ways they make you feel unhinged and like you’re losing it. Write down whatever you can think of. You must be able to confirm that you’re being gaslighted before you can move on with your life.
- Pay attention to the signs of being gaslighted, like feeling confused, belittled, “crazy” or manipulated. Take a deep breath, clear your mind, and center yourself. Set aside regular time for grounding each day through meditation or a mindfulness exercise. These techniques will help you to stay objective even in difficult circumstances.
- Decide whether it’s worth continuing your friendship or relationship. If you’re in a working relationship, think about whether it’s worth staying in your job or not. If you want to stay, think about ways to minimize interaction with the gaslighter until you feel grounded and confident.
- Talk to trusted friends or loved ones about your problem. Alternatively, seek help from a mentor or therapist who can help you do some shadow work.
- Shift your perspective from being a victim to being a warrior/winner or whatever word feels the most empowering. You don’t have to remain a victim for the rest of your life, and by reclaiming your personal power, you’ll also be able to help others in similar circumstances.
- Read my emotional abuse article to deepen your understanding of this topic.
I hope these actions can help you regain a sense of personal clarity, confidence, and empowerment once again as you recover from the gaslighter’s mind games.
***
If you have left a relationship in which you were being gaslighted, and are being targeted by a narcissist in your life again, check out my article on “hoovering” which is another twisted emotional manipulation technique.
Are you experiencing Gaslighting? Do you know someone else who is? Do you have any recommendations that would help others? Please share below.
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Thank you for the info. My “building engineer” has unlocked my door at least 3+ times. It seems trivial until you have the flu or are getting out of the shower amd this guy enters. This week I got a surprise visit from the ” building engineer ” and a COP! Wanting nothing more than to know I was ok..when no one from the management company called me this week or my emergency contact. *RANT* TLDR: I was made to feel as though I was wrong by male authority figures although I have proof to the contrary. LADIES: don’t bow down to this bullshit!
The Gaslighter in my life is family and a narcissist extraordinaire! They have lots of pretry words but their actions (or lack of) never match.
Right now I’ve been listening to them scream, rant and cry and complain from my hiding place for nearly 40minutes. They belittle and scream at the family for hours and the minute you speak up, they accuse you of yelling at them, like they weren’t just yelling themselves. It’s just a shit storm that I have to create boundaries with this person so much more, because they just keep taking more advantage of me.
I like to check the Gaslighter checklist every once in a while to assure myself that I’m not crazy, or a raving bitch… I mean I am. I internalize everything until I snap except for anger, hate and mean sarcasm. Never let them see they get to you. I need to remind myself that my reality is valid, my emotions are valid, my talents are valid, my life is valid (I struggle with this one).
My grounding mantra (which will hopefully make y’all laugh) is, “Egypt is in Asia.” This Gaslighter argued with me that Egypt was in Asia and still can’t be convinced otherwise… threw the book the map was in at me. I will never let it go because it was the first time I had FACTS on my side that I knew didn’t have to do with a poor memory or a misconception of mine. It is fact. I am in the same reality as everyone else, they are on crazy world.
I’ve heard it all, “you take everything the wrong way” “you’re remembering wrong” “you made that up” “you’re too sensitive” “you’re just not listening to me” “if you’d listened to me…”
So I just have to remember, the numbers don’t lie, the proof is in the pudding, and Egypt is in Asia.
As a side note, I wish I knew how to feel emotions properly and stop feeling terrified and guilty and sorry all the time. I hadn’t been able to escape this person yet, but I will. I metaphorically can’t stay on the ship to drown worth them if I can swim.
I have to add another sign of gas-lighting: Victim-blaming, i.e. accusing the victim of engaging in the abuse. Example: a child complains to parents about domestic abuse, and they say “oh, you do that too;” an alternative is “everyone does it” or “a lot of people do it.”
Another similar victim-blaming tactic is to say that the victim is ENCOURAGING the abuse by responding to it, and thus “making it fun” for the abuser, or “letting them know they get to you.” This literally forces the victim to supress the abuse, i.e. “just ignore it–” which ENABLES the abuser by implying that the victim doesn’t mind it, and escalates the abuse further.
Reading about gaslighting, I have to say that it explains a lot of abuse, and how it’s denied or blamed on the victim to make them hide their feelings; then the victim is blamed for “keeping it inside” etc.
Note: When gaslighting takes place by a health-professional, this is known as the “Martha Mitchell effect,” i.e. where he process by which a psychiatrist, psychologist, or other mental health clinician labels the patient’s accurate perception of real events as delusional, and misdiagnoses accordingly.
(See https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Martha_Mitchell_effect).
This also includes “Political abuse of psychiatry, ” which is the misuse of psychiatry, including diagnosis, detention, and treatment, for the purposes of obstructing the human rights of individuals and/or groups in a society.
I dealt with this for 17 years in my marriage. I lived under a black cloud of depression, doubt, little to no self esteem and a constant feeling that I was wrong. My ex used to say that I had multiple personalities. He even got my son’s in on the running family joke. Even now my oldest son, uses his dad’s technics on me to get what he wants. My ex once told me, “aren’t you so glad I’m in your life, don’t I make your life so much better.” We have been a part for almost a year and a half and I feel I’m still dealing with the effects of him and to make matters worse, my oldest is so much like him. It’s like never being able to truly escape that abuse. I would tell anyone to get out early!! The road to recovery for me will be a long one and I deeply regret allowing my son’s to grow up in that environment.
Wow! The article on empath caught my eye. I was researching ways to deal with my very manipulative X spouse and fell upon the article of gas lighting. I am an empath and seem to always attract various types of Narcisistic people, really all my life. My son is 16 years old and I believe he is gas lighting me. I had no clue what he was doing. My X husband and son have been breaking into my home and stealing items. My son obviously had a key. It has been 15 months of sheer terror. It took me a very long time to figure it out. You don’t want to believe that your son or X spouse is capable of such acts against anyone. But slowly I began to feel like something was off, then finally reality hit hard. Thefts were not the only source of the harassment. Stolen items that did not make any sense. Misplaced items, bills missing, mail stolen, email accounts hacked, video camera hacked – the list just goes on… At first I thought it was a neighbor and I replaced the lock. Gave my son the key and it would start all over again. Finally I locked my son completely out of the house. Before he left that last day about 2 months ago, I was very confrontational with him. I took the car keys and searched the car before he left. The police are involved now and there are a total of 7 police reports. My son kept stating I was crazy, forgetful etc… All the time denying any part of this, while I cried and begged him to be upfront and honest with me. I had him on video breaking into the house. I showed him the video and he still denied it. Then he hacked the security account and erased all the videos.
Aside from all the details of the story, I am feeling so betrayed by my son. I am not sure how much of a role his Dad has played in this. But he contends that I have no proof and does not listen. In the meantime they are asking for $$. Like a classic empath I am just awful at boundary setting. I am struggling with how to set them clearly and fairly with the N X-spouse. I literally shake when I have to deal with him. I do not play games and I am not manipulative like him. I never rock the boat, But now I have to face this and it is painful and difficult. I have stated that there is no more $ until the police investigation is over. I am grieving the loss of my son as the person I thought he was. I lost my Mother last year and 2 years before that my sister. No family left. I am very much alone and finding life painful right now. I feel very paralyzed and do not feel like I can move forward in my life. I am stuck. I have a great therapist that is working with me on the grief and helping me set these boundaries. I think this is the a painful process. It seems like sticking up for yourself should be easy, but doing it when my relationship with my son is at stake is tough. Any specifics on how to deal with reasonable boundaries? Any other X wives that have been terrorized by their X husbands dealing with parental alienation? Or a son doing the gas lighting? Thanks and I appreciate the opportunity to vent.
I was unfortunately the victim of gaslighting by a COUNSELLOR recently. It was very jarring and left me disoriented and existential for a couple of days, at a time when I was already vulnerable and needing to talk to someone about my recent separation from my husband (his imposition). I am so glad to have found this article so that I understand it /wasn’t/ me that was the problem in the session. I hope no one else ever has to experience that situation. Love and light folks! <3
Wow, getting gaslighted by a counsellor is dangerous. Thankfully you had the sense + guidance to move on and see what was happening, Aurora!
May I highly recommend the Henry Rollins song : Liar
Immediately pull it up on YouTube.
It will do you a world of good if you’ve been gas lighted. Hopefully you will laugh out loud and at yourself a little.
Thanks for the recommendation Cali!
Yes this and dealing with narcissist personality of sisters. Visits are events where I need to turn my mute voice to survive and participate. My partner always commented on the total lack of interest or concern in our relationship or life. Having recently not invited to one of their childrens weddings (as they did not know me) it was realized, amazingly so, that in over twenty five years neither sister has ever visited me in our home or city, no phone calls when in town or invites. While i am fairly well adjusted…I always thought of this as something unique to them…but not so. However on every occasion and card a note was always added that they were always invited to visit…but no visits ever happened. (As they have extended family in the city they have been here, and I have even seen them in the local shopping mall…but nothing on their part) Such is life. I wish them well. (oh i need to let you know that I am the only male in the siblings, middle child of three sisters. The two older ones are the concern. But upon thinking of this…my father was exactly the same, and it amplified after my Mother died and he remarried) Hmmmmm…a pattern i see.
Just dropping a link to the 1944 movie “Gaslight”
https://dicenomore.wordpress.com/2016/07/30/gaslighting/