Grief Work: The Brave Inner Work of Mourning What Was Lost

One of the greatest paradoxes is that it’s often in the darkest periods of life when we experience the most transformation, healing, and illumination.

Philosopher and novelist Fyodor Dostoevsky describes this beautifully in his classic book Crime and Punishment, writing, 

“The darker the night, the brighter the stars,
The deeper the grief, the closer is God!”

It’s often in the depths of grief that our hearts break open to the beauty, preciousness, and magic of life. Grief is a natural response to love lost and to the bittersweet transience of life.

But what happens when, instead of going through a normal period of mourning, we become lost or stuck? Some call this experience the Dark Night of the Soul, when we lose connection to ourselves, others, and Life itself. Let’s dive into this further …

How “Complicated Grief” Occurs (and the 5 Stages of Grief)

There are many ways we can get stuck in a Dark Night of the Soul, in loss of connection. This stuckness is known as “complicated grief,” and it occurs when we can’t fulfill the natural grieving cycle.

British psychiatrists John Bowlby and Colin Murray Parkes defined The Four Phases of Grief back in the 1970s:

1. Shock and numbness – happens immediately after the death of a loved one
2. Yearning and searching – longing for the deceased person and wishing they could return
3. Disorganization and despair – a period of depression, apathy, anger, or hopelessness
4. Reorganization and discovery – finding a new “normal,” renewed meaning, and energy

Please remember here that grieving isn’t linear. It moves in zig-zags and spirals. Grieving is different and unique to everyone, and there is also no timeline for how long you’re “meant” to grieve. Some days we feel better, other days we feel worse. Sometimes we skip some of the above stages, or loop back to previous ones. This is normal. Eventually, through time, we come to a place of acceptance. This is the natural ebb and flow of grief. However, complicated grief occurs when we get unconsciously stuck in stages 2-3 for a long period of time. 

Situations that can lead to complex grief include, for instance:

• Chronic childhood trauma (physical, emotional, or psychological) that occurred for years on end, and was therefore silently buried in the background of daily life.
• Loss of a loved one to a terminal illness like cancer or some other degenerative disease (either slowly or quickly).
• The sudden loss of a loved one due to self-inflicted harm, such as drug addiction, suicide, etc.
• Any tragic incident that was never fully processed. 

What is Grief Work?

Grief work is the inner work practice of mourning and safely processing feelings of deep sadness that you didn’t have access to in the past. As an essential healing process and a powerful form of Soul recovery or gaining access to your Whole Self, grief work liberates you from past pain by helping you to complete the grieving cycle.

In his book Homecoming, writer and educator John Bradshaw defines grief work in this beautiful way,

“Grief work, which has been called original pain work, demands that we re-experience what we could not experience when we lost our parents, our childhood, and most of all, our sense of I AMness. The spiritual wound can be healed. But it must be done by grieving, and that is painful.”

Why is Grief Work So Important?

“Repressed or withheld pain keeps us dry and inwardly contracted. These psychic knots of pain need to be dissolved via permitting ourselves to truly experience the pain with awareness, as opposed to avoiding it with endless distractions.” – P. T. Mistlberger

The majority of my deepest breakthroughs have come directly after feeling and processing a lot of old grief. 

It’s painful work, but it’s also like popping a pimple in a way (which is a weird analogy, but you get my drift!). A huge level of physical, emotional, and psychological tension is released when we let ourselves feel the sadness unconsciously stored away within us.

Just think about what it feels like to stop yourself from crying. I’m sure you’ve felt the tight sensation in the throat and the intense achy feeling that prevents you from swallowing. Suppressing emotions is not just hard work; it’s also painful.

Now apply that to years of stored grief.

Grief work liberates us from pain, but it also frees us to access more of our Wholeness. I describe this as the 5 W’s of the Soul – our wise, wild, warm, welcoming, and whole Self. 

By actively mourning the past, we liberate the hold that pain and trauma have over us. We complete the grieving cycle. And we get back more access to our Deeper Self.

What Are the Dangers of Unresolved Grief?

Unresolved grief is a form of unresolved trauma. It is unmetabolized pain left to rot within our system. 

I remember what it was like before I actively felt and processed my grief. I had so much anger and anxiety stuck within my mind and body, playing on repeat. 

Feeling this grief in a safe space (in my case, through journaling, therapy, and within a safe relationship) as well as learning how to let go of the resentment associated with my traumas, helped to free up my life force energy. I became more creative, centered, and calm as a result. Yes, this is still an ongoing process, but it freed me to connect more with my inner Self – something I never thought was possible at the time!

When grief is left unresolved, it results in a huge number of physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual issues. 

In his book Healing the Child Within, doctor and psychotherapist Charles Whitfield describes the consequences powerfully:

“Unresolved grief festers like a deep wound covered by scar tissue, a pocket of vulnerability ever ready to break out anew … When we experience a loss or trauma, it stirs up energy within us that needs to be discharged. When we do not discharge this energy, the stress builds up to a state of chronic distress … With no release this chronic distress is stored within us as discomfort or tension that may at first be difficult for us to recognize. We may feel it or experience it through a wide range of manifestations, such as chronic anxiety, tension, fear or nervousness, anger or resentment, sadness, emptiness, unfulfillment, confusion, guilt, shame or, as is common among many who grew up in a troubled family, as a feeling of numbness or “no feelings at all.” These feelings may come and go in the same person. There may also be difficulty sleeping, aches, pains and other somatic complaints, and full-blown mental, emotional or physical illness, including PTSD, may result. In short, we pay a price when we do not grieve in a complete and healthy way.”

He goes on to describe the self-destructive behaviors and urge for “repetition compulsion” (aka, seeking out toxic people and situations to unconsciously try to resolve them) that comes as a result of unmourned grief:

“If we suffered losses in our childhood for which we were not allowed to grieve, we may grow up carrying several of the above conditions into and throughout our adulthood. We may also develop a tendency toward self-destructive or other-destructive behaviors. These destructive behaviors may cause us and others unhappiness, get us into trouble and can cause us crisis after crisis. When these destructive behaviors are repeated, they may be called a ‘repetition compulsion.’ It is as if we have an unconscious drive or compulsion to keep repeating one or more of these behaviors, even though they are not usually in our best interest.”

As you can see, grief work is not an ‘optional’ part of healing. It is a fundamental, vital, and essential form of inner work and Soul recovery. 

The Difference Between Grieving and Wallowing

Let’s be clear here, however. Grief work isn’t about adopting a “poor me” identity.

While it’s important that we acknowledge we’ve been victimized (and feel the anger associated with that), it’s not healthy to stay in a victim mentality.

To rediscover our power, we eventually need to move into a survivor and thriver identity. Here’s the difference between grieving and wallowing:

• Grieving is natural and healthy – and when done in a grief work context, conscious and empowered.
• Wallowing is unhealthy, disempowering, and toxic for our mind-body system.

I’ll use a Winnie the Pooh analogy here to make things clearer. Grieving is a sad Winnie the Pooh. He will sit and feel his pain, but not get stuck in it. Wallowing is Eeyore, who is perpetually somber, melancholic, and pessimistic. 

Whitfield describes wallowing succinctly, writing,

“Wallowing in our pain is continuing to express our suffering beyond a reasonable duration for healthy grieving.”

And in her book Eastern Body, Western Mind, therapist and author Anodea Judith reminds us of the greater purpose of grieving, writing,

“It is important to remember that the point of grief work is to regain connection with the self inside rather than increase our attachment to what was lost.”

With grief, there is a time to move on. With wallowing, there is no end date to the misery. 

How to Start Grief Work – 3 Paths to Start 

Here’s how to begin this essential form of inner work:

1. Connect with and ‘enliven’ your body 

Grief work often begins when we first start establishing contact with our bodies. 

When I was in Bali many years ago, I experienced this myself at the hands of a Reiki practitioner. I was totally skeptical about the efficacy of Reiki until this Balinese man laid his hands above my heart, and a surge of grief swept through me. I was crying uncontrollably, to my absolute shock (and his too)!

To begin grief work, find a way of getting more grounded in your body. Unresolved grief thrives on dissociation and physical numbness. I recommend having a cardio/weights routine three times per week, and getting in some basic daily exercises (walking, yoga, etc.). This may sound basic, but it’s at the foundation of helping to move, enliven, and metabolize your grief.

2. Start naming and identifying the root of your pain

You need to understand where and when the grief originated to work with it best. Going back to Charles Whitfield (the patron saint of this article so far!), he describes five ways of beginning to do grief work, writing,

“We can begin our grief work through any of several possible

ways. Some of these ways include beginning to:

1. Identify (i.e., accurately name) our losses.

2. Identify our needs.

3. Identify our feelings and share them.

4. Work on core issues.

5. Work a recovery program.”

I have written a lot on identifying core wounds and working on our core issues via numerous methods, such as inner child work and shadow work. Feel free to check out those free guides.

However, if you want more in-depth help for finding your core wounds, core needs, core beliefs, and core values, see my Soul Work Compass Course. This is an essential path of self-study for any serious inner work practitioner, as it will help you to discover your Core Self by building your personal Soul’s Compass. This course will empower you to live a more grounded, centered, and aligned life by tuning into your own truth rather than the millions of other voices out there. Your Soul’s Compass is a tool you’ll refer to again and again on your healing journey. Check it out here.

3. Hold the hand of your inner child

We all have a younger and more vulnerable part of ourselves, which has been called the inner child by many healing professionals. If your grief started in childhood, which it often does, this is the part of yourself you’ll need to work most closely with when it comes to grief work.

There are so many forms of inner child work out there. Personally, I love a combination of journaling, visualization, somatic embodiment work, creativity, and mirror work. Your inner child will have different needs. If you need more help reconnecting with your inner child in a slow, gentle, and self-paced way, see our Inner Child Journal.

Our patron saint of this article, Charles Whitfield, again offers some sage advice in his book Healing the Child Within, sharing some powerful forms of grief work used to heal your inner child:

The following are examples of some experiential techniques that may be used to heal our Child Within through grieving our un-grieved hurts, losses or traumas.

1) Risking and sharing, especially feelings, with safe and supportive people.

2) Storytelling (telling our own story, including risking, and sharing).

3) Working through transference (what we project or “transfer” onto others, and vice-versa for them).

4) Psychodrama, Reconstruction, Gestalt Therapy, Family Sculpture.

5) Hypnosis and related techniques.

6) Attending self-help meetings.

7) Working the 12 Steps (of Al-Anon, ACA, AA, NA, OA, etc.).

8) Group therapy (usually a safe and supportive place to practice many of these experiential techniques).

9) Couples therapy or family therapy.

10) Guided Imagery.

11) Breathwork.

12) Affirmations.

13) Dream analysis.

14) Art, Movement and Play therapy.

15) Active imagination and using intuition.

16) Meditation and Prayer.

17) Therapeutic bodywork.

18) Keeping a journal or diary.

Pick an approach you feel drawn to and commit to it for the next three months. Then watch as the transformation unfolds within you!

Note: Sometimes grief, especially complicated grief, can be too much for one person to process privately. If you have a history of deep or severe trauma, please reach out to a professional to support you through this process. 

Conclusion: Grief Liberated

When frozen and metastasized within us, grief is a corrosive emotion that eats away at our bodies, hearts, and minds. 

But when grief is liberated, it becomes a force of change, transformation, and liberation from old ways of being. In the words of philosopher and writer Báyò Akómoláfé, “Grief is not mere sadness; it is mutiny against established patterns.”

Yes, this is painful work. We will feel a whole load of discomfort we’ve been trying to run away from, suppress, or numb. But moving, expressing, and releasing grief also brings back a whole load of life-force energy. It is an essential component of Soul recovery, of getting connected to our Whole selves.

Tell me, what is the hardest part of grief work for you? What do you think might help you move through that pain? I’d love to hear below. 

A final gentle invitation. If you need more guided support in your grieving process, see our signature journals (all available for you to work through right now):

• Self-Love Journal
• Inner Child Journal
• Shadow Work Journal
• Inner Work Journal Bundle (contains all three)