While it’s important that we come to terms with what has happened to us, and that we have indeed been victimized, we cannot move on with our lives unless we step out of the victim role and into the survivor role.
Having a victim mentality goes far beyond the experience of being victimized. When we carry a victim mentality, we are basically filtering our entire existence through a narrow mental lens that we have adopted as our primary way of perceiving the world.
What is a Victim Mentality?
Victim mentality is a psychological term that refers to a type of dysfunctional mindset which seeks to feel persecuted in order to gain attention or avoid self-responsibility. People who struggle with the victim mentality are convinced that life is not only beyond their control, but is out to deliberately hurt them. This belief results in constant blame, finger-pointing, and pity parties that are fuelled by pessimism, fear, and anger.
Simply put, having a victim mentality means that you blame other people and circumstances for the unhappiness you feel.
How Self-Victimization Develops
No one is born with a victim mentality, just as no one is born clinically depressed or anxious. Instead, the victim mentality is an acquired personality trait, meaning that it is the result of early life conditioning and coping mechanisms.
Most victims were victimized in some way as children, whether that be through physical abuse, sexual abuse, emotional abuse or psychological abuse. Self-victimization can also develop through codependent relationships we had with our parents, or simply by observing and adopting the unhealthy victim mentality exhibited by one or more of our family members.
However, although what happens to us as children is completely beyond our control, it is our responsibility as adults to step into our power and reclaim responsibility for our happiness.
9 Benefits of Being a Victim
Playing the victim actually has a number of juicy perks. These rewards make it very difficult to break out of such a mindset, which is why most victims seem to be so emotionally invested in perpetuating this type of toxic behavior.
Some of the perks include the following:
- Not having to take responsibility for anything
- Other people lavishing you with attention
- Other people feeling sorry for you
- Other people are less likely to criticize or upset you
- You have the “right” to complain
- You’re more likely to get what you want
- You feel interesting because you get to tell people all of your stories
- You don’t have to feel bored because there’s too much drama going on
- You get to avoid and bypass anger because you’re too busy feeling sad
Can you see some underlying patterns starting to emerge here?
Playing the victim actually gives you a lot of power: power to avoid responsibility, power to feel “righteously” sad and persecuted, power to avoid uncomfortable emotions, and power to manipulate other people.
The Dark Side of Playing the Victim
The majority of people who play the victim do so unconsciously, or unintentionally. Even so, the victim role does involve a tremendous amount of manipulation and string-pulling. People in relationships or friendships with victims often report feeling like puppets who mold into whatever the victim believes they are or wants them to be.
Having other people feel sorry for you is an easy way to wrap them around your little finger. This unconscious craving to control others through their sympathies is really only a way for the mind to reinforce its belief in the “I’m a victim” ego identity. There is a lot of comfort and artificial “safety” in playing the victim identity. Not only does it reward you with not having to take responsibility for any of your behavior (because “other people” are always responsible), but it also prevents you from feeling uncomfortable emotions like guilt and anger, while at the same time making you feel “cared for” by others.
Playing the victim is also often used by abusive and/or sociopathic people who use this role to keep a tight emotional leash on those close to them. For example, a narcissistic person might constantly put down their partner, then fixate on the one time their partner snapped and called them a “monster,” making it seem like they are in fact the “abused one.” Or a physically abusive person might use the excuse that they “always have to put up with the other person” as a reason for beating up their partner.
As we can see, the “poor me” attitude can be used on both sides of the human spectrum: both seemingly “normal” people and more extreme and dysfunctional psychopathic people. For example, in codependent relationships, self-victimization can be used by the enabler and the abuser, and sometimes both at the same time in a kind of power struggle.
There is no one “type” of person that fits into the victim role, so it’s wrong to say that only narcissists or sociopaths adopt this role. I have personally seen all types of people play this role: from sweet old grandmothers to teenagers, mothers, fathers, professionals, and even “spiritually awakened” people.
23 Signs of the Victim Mentality
Are you, or is someone you love, playing the victim? Here are some common signs to look out for:
- You’re constantly blaming other people or situations for feeling miserable
- You possess a “life is against me” philosophy
- You’re cynical or pessimistic
- You see your problems as catastrophes and blow them out of proportion
- You think others are purposely trying to hurt you
- You believe you’re the only one being targeted for mistreatment
- You keep reliving past painful memories that made you feel like a victim
- Even when things go right, you find something to complain about
- You refuse to consider other perspectives when talking about your problems
- You feel powerless and unable to cope effectively with a problem or life in general
- You feel attacked when you’re given constructive criticism
- You believe you’re not responsible for what happens in your life (others are)
- You believe that everyone is “better off” than you
- You seem to enjoy feeling sorry for yourself
- You attract people like you (who complain, blame, and feel victimized by life)
- You believe that the world is a scary, mostly bad, place
- You enjoy sharing your tragic stories with other people
- You have a habit of blaming, attacking, and accusing those you love for how you feel
- You feel powerless to change your circumstances
- You expect to gain sympathy from others, and when you don’t get it, you feel upset
- You refuse to analyze yourself or improve your life
- You tend to “one-up” people when it comes to sharing traumatic experiences
- You’re constantly putting yourself down
As we can see, the permanent sense of being a victim is deeply destructive both internally, and externally.
How to Stop Being a Victim
If you’re reading this article because you suspect that you might be clinging to a victim mentality, here are some tips that can help you step out of this toxic role:
1. Start replacing “you” with “I”
For example, instead of saying “you make me feel so angry,” you can replace that statement with, “I feel so angry when I hear you say that.” This simple trick can help you learn to take more self-responsibility for your happiness.
2. See yourself as a survivor
A victim argues with life, a survivor embraces it. A victim dwells in the past, a survivor lives in the present. A victim believes they’re helpless, a survivor takes back control over their life. Although the victim mentality is addictive, the survivor mentality is much more empowering in the long term. Once you start seeing yourself as a survivor, you’ll begin to feel better about life and you’ll attract other people for the right reasons. Listening to a survivor is much more refreshing and inspiring than listening to a victim wallow in self-pity.
3. Be kind and compassionate towards yourself
In other words, be careful about becoming a victim of being a victim! This role isn’t something you choose: you developed it as a result of childhood conditioning. Be gentle with yourself and practice self-love. Explore your core wounds and core beliefs that compound your victim identity, and replace self-loathing with self-compassion. If you’re struggling to get past the victim role, practice self-care by seeing a therapist. Experiment with practices such as journaling, affirmations, NLP, CBT, and other forms of self-love.
4. Explore your mistaken beliefs
Mistaken beliefs create anxiety, depression, anger, and blame. We explore the twelve different types of mental traps here. You will probably be stunned by how many types of mistaken beliefs you have unknowingly adopted!
5. Ask “What thought is creating this suffering?”
All suffering originates in beliefs that go unquestioned and unexamined in our minds. When we attach to these thoughts, we suffer. Remember that you don’t need to believe the thoughts in your head: thoughts are simply fluctuations of energy that we assign meaning to. Practicing meditation can help you notice how transient thoughts are.
6. Practice being thankful
Gratitude is a simple but powerful way to remind yourself that life is not as miserable as you perceive it to be. Each day, try to find ten things that you’re thankful for. You might like to keep a gratitude journal in which you write these ten things down, or simply name them mentally. Try to feel sincerely thankful for having these things.
7. Affirm self-responsibility
Start to notice all the ways you bypass responsibility. Be ruthlessly honest and examine how gaining sympathy from others makes you feel special and continues the cycle of pointing the finger at others. You might like to use an affirmation such as “I am responsible for my life” or “I am empowered to create change” to help you reprogram this unconscious need to play the victim. You might also like to do something that builds your confidence and actually shows you that you’re capable … or reflect on something in the past that you overcame successfully.
8. Perform an act of kindness for another
When we play the victim we tend to be solely focused on ourselves. Get yourself out of your head by doing something nice for another person you love. Realizing that you can feel good without manipulating another person is an important way to cut the addiction the self-victimization.
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The victim mentality can be truly insidious and destructive to personal relationships and self-esteem. But through applying the advice in this article, hopefully you will feel inspired and empowered rather than victimized by what is happening to you.
I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about this topic below.
Thank you for this article. I must admit that it is very confusing to actually differentiate between the two ( being a victim OR Victimizing Yourself)
I m going through situation where I’m questioning myself !!
Despite going through all the scenarios I m not able to convince myself if i m at fault, over reacting or Self Victimizing??
Any way i can have a chat with someone?
I have been researching the topic of self-pity for about 2 hours now. This is the second article that is really good without being vague- suggesting specific steps in a kind manner, without condescension.
Hi Luna & Soul.
It’s a difficult concept to accept all the time in life. Most people want to take full responsibility for their lives but sometimes our feelings override the intellect and use this mentality just to cope and it brings some relief. I am a full time caregiver to my mom who I have lived with for the majority of my life,and was caregiver to my step-father also at the same time. I don’t mind being family caregiver but for the past 20 yrs, or more I can’t help but to think of myself as a victim of circumstances as I took on this role by default; I had no choice as I am the only family member available to help. Step-dad passed 6yrs. ago and Mom is with me and has Dementia and was in a nursing home for 2yrs, but I removed her from nursing home when her doctor was prosecuted for medicare fraud and conspiracy.
Now you tell me-is a victim mentality in this situation justified? Living with mom and watching her decline in rational thought process is a hard and cruel experience in living life and taking over and being the executrix for both parents an assignment that makes you feel that your own life is sacrificed and you can never understand why? This is not looking for ungeniune sympathy -it is a way to face your feelings not an intended pity party. Yes it is what it is but a compassion for yourself is necessary in order to cope and heal.
The amount of discomfort this topic unleashes shows how important and probably universal it is. It’s good to ask yourself how you might have contributed to some continued misery after the first thing that happened. However, it’s also easy to slip into unproductive self-blame. I’d love to see an article on the difference between taking responsibility and vicious self-blame (which really is just another form of self-abandonment), since this is something I struggle with.
Hi Mateo & Luna,
While I understand this article & what it means, I have Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from child molestation at church. I was later raped several times at knifepoint by someone I knew. Was married & divorced from a narcissist, who when he felt the grip of his control loosening on me, proceeded to tell me, his high school girlfriends car blew up the day after he saw her talking to another man. Moved to CA for love. Returned home from CA thankfully with that same love intact & married. Had a son from the rapes he is now in his 30’s. I love him dearly. I just turned 50. Was working all the while never stopping to really deal with any of this. Had a nervous breakdown when my son was 3. Kept working while having dissociation. Now my banking job fired me because I started have dissociation again with major panic attacks OCD & what they now call a major depressive disorder (another nervous breakdown). This article made me feel like I had no right to fall down & hafta take my time getting back up. I’m not the same person anymore either. I usually love your articles but maybe a disclaimer to certain illness sufferers that wouldn’t trigger them would be good for this? People can’t see mental illness & say things like just get back up again. Get over it. It’s very invalidating & hurtful. If I could just be me & do all I used to I would.
Oh, the tunnel can be so long. But it has to be experienced. I first had to realize i indeed was a victim of circumstances. I was NOT crazy. It all did happen. My narsissistic mother. The hidden rage came out. Then the sorrow of the truth. I was mourning and everybody had to endure it. I felt the NEED to let other people know how bad it was. When i would feel a bit better, i became so scared, like i was walking on quicksand. This circle went on and on and on. For years. I was told who i was. I did not know my own caracter. Then ayahuasca. At 54. 5 months ago. From that time i started to heal. Now this article. You have nailed it, every word. You have clearly written what work needs to be done. Thank you for your wise and true words. Time to let go. It is what it is. Have a beautiful day, Fran
Psychopaths and narcissists actively victimise others – particularly those in their intimate lives. They regard kindness as weakness, trustfulness as easy to deceive, and take pleasure in eroding others’ boundaries, core beliefs and inducing shame and confusion in others. Cyclically, in between love-bombing and reeling them back in. Accusing someone who is actively being victimised of ‘having a victim mentality’ is an easy excuse for being unwilling to offer understanding patience and kindness. Your article gets to the nub of things – we can only decide for ourselves if we are stuck in that victim place. We should not accept others’ accusing diagnosis, but look inwards with honest courageous curiosity. Most of us can be honest with ourselves in private.
Narcissists and psychopaths, however, can never admit to their own pathological lying or unconscionable behaviour. The blame always lies outside themselves. People who are genuine victims can really only reach survivor status when they are free of the psycho who is manipulating and controlling them. And Manipulators genuinely DO render their victims helpless at times, by twisting and warping the target’s reality. You can’t heal while there is real-not imagined- victimisation happening to you.
This is such an important topic – thank you!
What I like to do when things aren’t going well (instead of immediately blaming others) is to ask myself – How have I created this?
It is about taking personal responsibility at the end of the day.
I did not have a happy childhood (probably a large understatement), however, I have reframed this experience – after all, I (my soul) chose my parents and my family & it has become clear to me over the years that I wouldn’t be the person I am today if it weren’t for those tough experiences as a child. In fact, these experiences gave me the gift of resilience!
I’ve come across many people with victim mentality – particularly as I worked for our social services for many years. I found that a goodly proportion of those I dealt with basically suffered from this mentality. Occasionally I was able to get through to someone and get them to see how it was THEY that needed to change in order to move on through their difficulties. I even managed to get one guy (who kept losing jobs due to violence following teasing) to go back to literacy classes!
Once you take responsibility, you are empowered to change things.
Hi Luna + Sol,
Thanks so much for writing about such an important topic-it could not come at a better time for me. I’m currently on the verge of moving out because I can’t stand to watch my narcissistic father and mom’s victim-mentality effect my younger siblings (I’m the oldest of 6). It’s a power struggle that I’ve tolerated for years because of the love I have for my siblings… I know they need a positive role model, so I stuck it out. Being an empath, it was hard for me to abandon my siblings instead of trying to help them anyway I possibly knew how. Upon reading this article and some conversation with my mom, though I can see that she’s never going to divorce my father and that their collective ego has them tightly chained to each other. Thanks to your article, I now know that it is the right time for me to let my family go-They’ll be taken care of, I trust, by the all-powerful Being, and they’ll of course constantly be in all of my prayers. I’ll move myself out next month.
This articles has triggered some gears (I don’t mean to degrade anyone)
I can’t help but think that my situation is so sad that I have the right to be a victim. Sexually assaulted by my Father, being beat up when I choose crocs rather than shoes when going to mass (that’s true and that’s just the tip of the iceberg), being called stupid and worthless and ignored a lot: all of these has made me suicidal before, you guys are the first ones to know this. I feel so numb just typing this. I had to be strong on my own despite me staying in the house.
Pair that with my oldest brother who also got treated similarly who projected his insecurities into me and degraded when I was a small child like verbally insulting with passive-aggression to the point of me crying, gaslighting and physically hurting me.
What did I do as a child to deserve this? I was just an innocent child, WHY? I feel like I deserve to suffer; I should just give up on life and not do anything anymore. Born into the wrong family; couldn’t have ran away because I was a child who couldn’t support himself.
I’m feeling iffy as of the moment, I don’t know why.
Thanks Squire for sharing your thoughts, it’s good seeing our articles stir up emotions for our readers to pay attention to and explore.
I can’t say the things that have happened to you aren’t terrible, they are. But from my own terrible experiences growing up I know that the way I choose to see those experiences makes all the difference.
Should I fixate over an unjust world where things ideally shouldn’t have happened to me the way they did or can I look at that friction in my life as moments that created wounds and that in learning and working on healing those wounds made me a better person for myself and others?
“I should just give up on life and not do anything anymore.” The fact that you’re still here, still reading through our work and letting it arouse these emotions instead of avoiding all of this altogether shows you can’t help but listen to the light within you rather than just simmering in the darkness.
It’ll be hard but I’ll try
Thanks Sol
P.S I just wish that I had the opportunity to meet you guys in person.