When we have a victim mentality, we filter our entire existence through a paranoid narrow mental lens that is used to perceive other people and reality.
While it’s important to claim the role of victim if we have genuinely been victimized or abused, we cannot move on with our lives unless we step out of the victim role and into the survivor role.
Table of contents
- What is a Victim Mentality?
- How Self-Victimization Develops
- 9 Benefits of Being a Victim
- The Dark Side of Playing the Victim
- 23 Signs of the Victim Mentality
- How to Stop Being a Victim
- How to Deal With the Victim Complex in Other People
- What is a Victim Complex?
- What is the Difference Between Victim Mentality and Victim Complex?
- 14 Signs of the Victim Complex
- How to Deal With Self-Proclaimed Victims
What is a Victim Mentality?
Victim mentality is a psychological term that refers to a type of dysfunctional mindset which seeks to feel persecuted in order to gain attention or avoid self-responsibility. People who struggle with the victim mentality are convinced that life is not only beyond their control, but is out to deliberately hurt them. This belief results in constant blame, finger-pointing, and pity parties that are fuelled by pessimism, fear, and anger.
Simply put, having a victim mentality means that you blame other people and circumstances for the unhappiness you feel.
How Self-Victimization Develops
No one is born with a victim mentality, just as no one is born clinically depressed or anxious. Instead, the victim mentality is an acquired personality trait, meaning that it is the result of early life conditioning and coping mechanisms.
Most victims were victimized in some way as children, whether that was through physical abuse, sexual abuse, emotional abuse or psychological abuse. Self-victimization can also develop through the codependent relationships we had with our parents, or simply by observing and adopting the unhealthy victim mentality exhibited by one or more of our family members.
However, although what happens to us as children is completely beyond our control, it is our responsibility as adults to step into our power and reclaim responsibility for our happiness.
9 Benefits of Being a Victim
Playing the victim actually has a number of juicy perks. These rewards make it very difficult to break out of such a mindset, which is why most victims seem to be so emotionally invested in perpetuating this type of toxic behavior.
Some of the perks include the following:
- Not having to take responsibility for anything
- Other people lavishing you with attention
- Other people feeling sorry for you
- Other people are less likely to criticize or upset you
- You have the “right” to complain
- You’re more likely to get what you want
- You feel interesting because you get to tell people all of your stories
- You don’t have to feel bored because there’s too much drama going on
- You get to avoid and bypass anger because you’re too busy feeling sad
Can you see some underlying patterns starting to emerge here?
Playing the victim actually gives you a lot of power: power to avoid responsibility, power to feel “righteously” sad and persecuted, power to avoid uncomfortable emotions, and power to manipulate other people.
The Dark Side of Playing the Victim
The majority of people who play the victim do so unconsciously, or unintentionally. Even so, the victim role does involve a tremendous amount of manipulation and string-pulling. People in relationships or friendships with victims often report feeling like puppets who mold into whatever the victim believes they are or wants them to be.
Having other people feel sorry for you is an easy way to wrap them around your little finger. This unconscious craving to control others through their sympathies is really only a way for the mind to reinforce its belief in the “I’m a victim” ego identity.
There is a lot of comfort and artificial “safety” in playing the victim identity. Not only does it reward you with not having to take responsibility for any of your behavior (because “other people” are always responsible), but it also prevents you from feeling uncomfortable emotions like guilt and anger, while at the same time making you feel “cared for” by others.
Playing the victim is also often used by abusive and/or sociopathic people who use this role to keep a tight emotional leash on those close to them. For example, a narcissistic person might constantly put down their partner, then fixate on the one time their partner snapped and called them a “monster,” making it seem like they are in fact the “abused one.” Or a physically abusive person might use the excuse that they “always have to put up with the other person” as a reason for beating up their partner.
As we can see, the “poor me” attitude can be used on both sides of the human spectrum: both seemingly “normal” people and more extreme and dysfunctional psychopathic people. For example, in codependent relationships, self-victimization can be used by the enabler and the abuser, and sometimes both at the same time in a kind of power struggle.
There is no one “type” of person that fits into the victim role, so it’s wrong to say that only narcissists or sociopaths adopt this role. I have personally seen all types of people play this role: from sweet old grandmothers to teenagers, mothers, fathers, professionals, and even “spiritually awakened” people.
23 Signs of the Victim Mentality
Are you, or is someone you love, playing the victim? Here are some common signs to look out for:
- You’re constantly blaming other people or situations for feeling miserable
- You possess a “life is against me” philosophy
- You’re cynical or pessimistic
- You see your problems as catastrophes and blow them out of proportion
- You think others are purposely trying to hurt you
- You believe you’re the only one being targeted for mistreatment
- You keep reliving past painful memories that made you feel like a victim
- Even when things go right, you find something to complain about
- You refuse to consider other perspectives when talking about your problems
- You feel powerless and unable to cope effectively with a problem or life in general
- You feel attacked when you’re given constructive criticism
- You believe you’re not responsible for what happens in your life (others are)
- You believe that everyone is “better off” than you
- You seem to enjoy feeling sorry for yourself
- You attract people like you (who complain, blame, and feel victimized by life)
- You believe that the world is a scary, mostly bad, place
- You enjoy sharing your tragic stories with other people
- You have a habit of blaming, attacking, and accusing those you love for how you feel
- You feel powerless to change your circumstances
- You expect to gain sympathy from others, and when you don’t get it, you feel upset
- You refuse to analyze yourself or improve your life
- You tend to “one-up” people when it comes to sharing traumatic experiences
- You’re constantly putting yourself down
As we can see, the permanent sense of being a victim is deeply destructive both internally, and externally.
How to Stop Being a Victim
If you’re reading this article because you suspect that you might be clinging to a victim mentality, here are some tips that can help you step out of this toxic role:
1. Start replacing “you” with “I”
For example, instead of saying “you make me feel so angry,” you can replace that statement with, “I feel so angry when I hear you say that.” This simple trick can help you learn to take more self-responsibility for your happiness.
2. See yourself as a survivor
A victim argues with life, a survivor embraces it. A victim dwells in the past, a survivor lives in the present. A victim believes they’re helpless, a survivor takes back control over their life. Although the victim mentality is addictive, the survivor mentality is much more empowering in the long term. Once you start seeing yourself as a survivor, you’ll begin to feel better about life and you’ll attract other people for the right reasons. Listening to a survivor is much more refreshing and inspiring than listening to a victim wallow in self-pity.
3. Be kind and compassionate towards yourself
In other words, be careful about becoming a victim of being a victim! This role isn’t something you choose: you developed it as a result of childhood conditioning. Be gentle with yourself and practice self-love. Explore your core wounds and core beliefs that compound your victim identity, and replace self-loathing with self-compassion. If you’re struggling to get past the victim role, practice self-care by seeing a therapist. Experiment with practices such as journaling, affirmations, NLP, CBT, and other forms of self-love. If you’d like a guided approach to deeper self-love, you may be interested in our Self-Love Journal.
4. Explore your mistaken beliefs
Mistaken beliefs create anxiety, depression, anger, and blame. A lot of these beliefs are lodged in the shadow side of our psyche, and can only be explored through deep shadow work. You will probably be stunned by how many types of mistaken beliefs you have unknowingly adopted!
5. Ask “What thought is creating this suffering?”
All suffering originates in beliefs that go unquestioned and unexamined in our minds. When we attach to these thoughts, we suffer. Remember that you don’t need to believe the thoughts in your head: thoughts are simply fluctuations of energy that we assign meaning to. Practicing meditation can help you notice how transient thoughts are.
6. Practice being thankful
Gratitude is a simple but powerful way to remind yourself that life is not as miserable as you perceive it to be. Each day, try to find ten things that you’re thankful for. You might like to keep a gratitude journal in which you write these ten things down, or simply name them mentally. Try to feel sincerely thankful for having these things.
Learn more about how to journal.
7. Affirm self-responsibility
Start to notice all the ways you bypass self-responsibility. Be ruthlessly honest and examine how gaining sympathy from others makes you feel special and continues the cycle of pointing the finger at others. You might like to use an affirmation such as “I am responsible for my life” or “I am empowered to create change” to help you reprogram this unconscious need to play the victim. You might also like to do something that builds your confidence and actually shows you that you’re capable … or reflect on something in the past that you overcame successfully.
8. Perform an act of kindness for another
When we play the victim we tend to be solely focused on ourselves. Get yourself out of your head by doing something nice for another person you love. Realizing that you can feel good without manipulating another person is an important way to cut the addiction the self-victimization.
How to Deal With the Victim Complex in Other People
We’ve all met those people who are perpetually moping and complaining about their lives.
These people seem to carry around the belief that the world is against them and appear to almost enjoy feeling miserable. In the field of psychology, these people are referred to as individuals who suffer from a victim complex; a type of neurosis that revolves around obtaining pity from other people.
What is a Victim Complex?
The victim complex is a mindset that develops through life and is triggered mainly through childhood conditioning. People who suffer from the victim complex perpetually see themselves as the victims of other people or circumstances. This warped self-perception leads to the desire to gain affection and attention from other people while simultaneously avoiding self-responsibility and blame.
What is the Difference Between Victim Mentality and Victim Complex?
They both sound so similar … so what is the actual difference?
While both can (and do) overlap, the victim mentality is more of a common issue. Most people struggle with a victim mentality at one point or another during life. The victim complex, on the other hand, is an insidious and deeply rooted behavioral pattern that defines a person’s entire outlook on life. Unlike the victim mentality (which generally tends to be short-lived), the victim complex can define a person’s life for years, even an entire lifetime.
In other words, the victim complex is far more serious and pathological than the victim mentality.
14 Signs of the Victim Complex
People suffering from the victim complex will display a large percentage of the following symptoms:
- They will constantly put themselves down
- They will blame other people or situations for feeling miserable
- They’ll refuse to analyze themselves in order to feel better about life
- They have a “life is against me” philosophy
- They feel powerless or helpless to change their circumstances
- They think others are purposely trying to hurt them
- They enjoy sharing their tragic stories with others
- Even when things go well, they still find something to complain about
- They believe that the world is a mostly bad and dangerous place
- They get upset and reactive when given constructive criticism
- They believe that everyone is “better off” than them
- They tend to blame, attack, and accuse those they love for how they feel
- They see their problems as catastrophes and blow them out of proportion
- They don’t take responsibility for their happiness
I realize how frustrating living with, working with, or simply being around a self-proclaimed victim can be. I have dealt with my fair share of those struggling with victim complexes, but the important thing to remember here is that these people are genuinely suffering as a result of their mindset. These people genuinely believe that they are helpless and are at the complete mercy of other people and life. This learned helplessness is not developed as a way of manipulating you (although it can be used that way), it was developed as a result of early life abuse. So it’s important that we show compassion to the people in our lives suffering from victim complexes, without of course enabling their warped self-perception.
How to Deal With Self-Proclaimed Victims
So the question now is, how can you deal with victims without hurting them?
Handling those who struggle with the victim complex can be tricky, particularly because direct confrontation only reinforces their sense of being persecuted. Here are some tips that might help you:
1. Don’t get sucked into their feelings
Remember that victims are unconsciously seeking attention and validation. However, when you grant what they want, you will become emotionally entangled with them, which is bad for both you and them. Try to be a passive listener, without actively involving yourself in their pity party. Remember that they will look to you for sympathy as a way of reinforcing their victim mentality, but don’t give it to them. Simply remain neutral, unless you decide to practice point 3 (below).
2. Make it their problem
Victim complex sufferers will always find a way to pin blame and responsibility onto another person as a way of bypassing self-responsibility. They will also try to get you to agree with them to bolster their sense of feeling “right.” Instead of agreeing, express how much confidence you have in their ability to handle the situation as mature adults.
3. Agree wholeheartedly
This practice uses a little bit of reverse psychology: go along with their resistance completely so that you completely blow the problem out of proportion. So if the victim is saying how terrible their life is at the moment, agree with them: life truly is awful and horrendous for them. This tactic can cause the victim to change their tune, saying, “well I guess life isn’t that bad …”
4. Don’t give advice
The truth is that victims don’t want to solve their problems, because that would undermine their sense of being victimized! Therefore giving advice to them is equivalent to speaking to a wall: you’re wasting your breath. When victims seek for “advice and counsel” what they’re really wanting is evidence that you care. This is the sad thing about victims: they confuse pity with love.
Try practicing these pieces of advice and you’ll find that the victim either starts taking responsibility for their life or seeks sympathy elsewhere. Either way, you won’t have to be the victim’s “victim” anymore.
Finally, don’t forget that the victim complex is a form of mental illness. Keep an open and compassionate heart, but don’t be an enabler.
***
The victim mentality and victim complex are truly insidious and destructive forms of behavior – they taint friendships, ruin relationships, and destroy your self-esteem. But through applying the advice in this article, hopefully you will feel inspired and empowered rather than victimized by what is happening to you.
Do you struggle with the victim mentality? Or perhaps you have a loved one or colleague who suffers from the victim complex. Feel free to share and vent below!
I may not have a 1st order victim mentality but perhaps some kind of 2nd order victim mentality. I try to explain: My problem is, I often get sucked into their arguments (i.e. with 1st order victims) and then I want to give advice. Bad idea.
Then I feel myself victimized because of them having a victim mentality! What is your advice to one having a 2nd order victim mentality such as me (i.e. feeling a victim of the 1st orders victimizers)?
On a side note: Thanks for not editing (not much) your comments section. Even though there are strange posts occasionally, I find it important to not interfere with feedback. While it my look contraintuitive, it is a sign for the quality of this blog in my eyes.
I believe there are many people, particularly people of color, who seem to have a victim mentally. Some things may or may not have happened to them a few times long ago. I get tired of hearing about it. Everything from bullies, hatred, ridicule, abandonment, abuse, homelessness, problems with authority, false accusations, medical issues, job unfairness, monetary and food security has also happened to me – despite looking white. I don’t hold it against the world, but I definitely have strong intuitions about particular individuals based on my life experience; and, not because I’ve been repeatedly told and conditioned to do so.
My particular experiences have been many betrayals by people I thought cared or loved me (some I even protected at my own perils), many losses (death or otherwise), a lot of abuse, and many accidents (not of my doing);and, it’s happened continually since I was young. This caused constant medical problems, physical emotional and psychological pain, severe depression, money loss, perceived violation from lawyers and others, anxiety of an unknown end, uncontrolled emotions, relationship challenges, severe isolation, interrupted or complete years of work or life lost, and the feeling of inadequacy in myself. I have felt “less-than” nearly all my life since issues started early. Every time I feel I’m finally starting to get back to me and look to the future, another major trauma occurs. It’s incredibly frustrating, has cause suicidal thoughts, and I feel often that nobody cares or doesn’t believe, or I’m just looking for sympathy when I periodically explain or express what’s happened to me. I don’t have much to talk about other than years of pain or recovery because it affects me daily and keeps me from doing a lot. I have made many life changes, even changed careers, only to have another trauma occur that puts my life on hold. Apparently it’s all invalid since it’s not my spouse or child that’s died nor have I had a debilitating cancer. Everyone has problems. But, my issues are continual and compounded after each occurrence, not just something that happened long ago. I am forever being looked down upon, given advice as to what I should do or try that I’ve already exhausted, and constantly feel I have to justify myself which will come out like excuses. I often feel extremely alone in the world, though I am incredibly resilient, pick myself up daily and try again. It seems like others around me, my family, husband, some of my friends, past business associates, and some of the medical personnel I’ve encountered, have or continue to express: I should find the bright side. Be thankful. Get over it. Stop being a victim and stop feeling sorry for myself. Be grateful you have…. Of course this is usually when I’m in tears, suicidal, or feeling that I can’t take it anymore. Not, I won’t! Nearly everything I have been dealing with for years is NOT my fault, but has just happened to me. Usually after the second or third year of recovery I start to feel there is nothing positive in my life. When is it ever going to get better?
I don’t see myself this way, “victim mentality”, but this is how I’m often viewed and treated. Most have not experienced what I’ve gone through and seem to continue to go through without any support. I get everyone has issues, but they usually also have support. Support meaning someone saying: you’re right it’s crappy, life sucks, let me hold you, I love you, I’ll be there for you, it’s gonna be ok and I’ll help you get there. And no, my husband has gotten angry at me many times because I can’t do what I used to do or because of pain or the need to rest. I can see reading this article that I identify with several of the “23 signs of victim mentality”. But, I can tell you —> I don’t like having to explain “why” I can’t do or “what” else I’ve been doing besides recovering from another life altering experience. Sometimes I just lie or deflect the questions, because often, the immediate response I get from people are: I’m exaggerating, haven’t tried hard enough, haven’t done enough, I’m a moocher, I’m lazy, or purposely extending my problems. I often put on a positive face and when I breakdown I’m met with anger or disbelief especially with those I’m closer too or I have known for awhile before revealing some of my life experiences. I probably am looking for some comfort in a friend or family member since I usually just have to be miserable alone. But usually I just end up feeling worse because of the reactions people have. Who wants to be around someone that’s not inspiring and positive? Is this really “victim mentality”? At what point are there enough tragedies, betrayals, losses, loneliness, and despair, before it’s ok to want to talk about it, or just give up? And what do you do when you offer to help someone(s) else but they don’t want your help because they all have family and friends that have lived close by their whole life? Unlike me. And believe me, I’ve tried to make friends and wish I had family members that loved me nearby. Pretty hard to do when anyone you start to get close to moves away, dies, or some other tragic thing happens. Being isolated and using all your strength just getting through to the next day is a relationship killer. I will say the only take away I got from this article is to look at things as ‘surviving’ instead, which does seem and sound more positive. I wish there was another article that would focus on “not victim mentality”, or “ the difference of a true victim and how to help them through”.
That would be so helpful for me. I really don’t believe I have “victim mentality”. I really get tired of hearing, “you can do anything if you just put your mind to it.” Not for me apparently. My body and brain have been damaged so many times. All my goals have been broken or silenced forever over and over again by another issue I didn’t cause. Is it the experience that makes you become a victim, or the way you’re treated and viewed after the experience? I feel there is so much propaganda out there. So much, when someone really needs help, they are put into this little box and flushed because everyone believes the propaganda. It’s you, not what happened or continually happens to you.
[I wish there was another article that would focus on “not victim mentality”, or “ the difference of a true victim and how to help them through”.]
In absolute seriousness, Nicole, could you write such a self-help article/course? Could you start a forum? You are uncommonly articulate and have an extremely in depth understanding of deep, deep trauma and pain. I’m not saying that lightly, I realise it’s not a simple task to undertake, but there are a lot of suffering souls out there who will be able to relate to what you’re saying and as you say, the current approaches are not all easily accessible to someone who is dealing with a large trauma burden. I won’t be following this up, because I dipped in here largely by accident, but I do wish you the very best. Kind regards, Eleanor
Do you not think there is some of this in each of us and unique to none of us? Life’s a bitch and it’s normal to complain. I shy away from folks who are positive, cheery and “up” all the time because they are fooling themselves and I prefer folks who deal with reality.