When we have a victim mentality, we filter our entire existence through a paranoid narrow mental lens that is used to perceive other people and reality.
While it’s important to claim the role of victim if we have genuinely been victimized or abused, we cannot move on with our lives unless we step out of the victim role and into the survivor role.
What is a Victim Mentality?
Victim mentality is a psychological term that refers to a type of dysfunctional mindset which seeks to feel persecuted in order to gain attention or avoid self-responsibility. People who struggle with the victim mentality are convinced that life is not only beyond their control, but is out to deliberately hurt them. This belief results in constant blame, finger-pointing, and pity parties that are fuelled by pessimism, fear, and anger.
Simply put, having a victim mentality means that you blame other people and circumstances for the unhappiness you feel.
How Self-Victimization Develops
No one is born with a victim mentality, just as no one is born clinically depressed or anxious. Instead, the victim mentality is an acquired personality trait, meaning that it is the result of early life conditioning and coping mechanisms.
Most victims were victimized in some way as children, whether that was through physical abuse, sexual abuse, emotional abuse or psychological abuse. Self-victimization can also develop through the codependent relationships we had with our parents, or simply by observing and adopting the unhealthy victim mentality exhibited by one or more of our family members.
However, although what happens to us as children is completely beyond our control, it is our responsibility as adults to step into our power and reclaim responsibility for our happiness.
9 Benefits of Being a Victim
Playing the victim actually has a number of juicy perks. These rewards make it very difficult to break out of such a mindset, which is why most victims seem to be so emotionally invested in perpetuating this type of toxic behavior.
Some of the perks include the following:
- Not having to take responsibility for anything
- Other people lavishing you with attention
- Other people feeling sorry for you
- Other people are less likely to criticize or upset you
- You have the “right” to complain
- You’re more likely to get what you want
- You feel interesting because you get to tell people all of your stories
- You don’t have to feel bored because there’s too much drama going on
- You get to avoid and bypass anger because you’re too busy feeling sad
Can you see some underlying patterns starting to emerge here?
Playing the victim actually gives you a lot of power: power to avoid responsibility, power to feel “righteously” sad and persecuted, power to avoid uncomfortable emotions, and power to manipulate other people.
The Dark Side of Playing the Victim
The majority of people who play the victim do so unconsciously, or unintentionally. Even so, the victim role does involve a tremendous amount of manipulation and string-pulling. People in relationships or friendships with victims often report feeling like puppets who mold into whatever the victim believes they are or wants them to be.
Having other people feel sorry for you is an easy way to wrap them around your little finger. This unconscious craving to control others through their sympathies is really only a way for the mind to reinforce its belief in the “I’m a victim” ego identity.
There is a lot of comfort and artificial “safety” in playing the victim identity. Not only does it reward you with not having to take responsibility for any of your behavior (because “other people” are always responsible), but it also prevents you from feeling uncomfortable emotions like guilt and anger, while at the same time making you feel “cared for” by others.
Playing the victim is also often used by abusive and/or sociopathic people who use this role to keep a tight emotional leash on those close to them. For example, a narcissistic person might constantly put down their partner, then fixate on the one time their partner snapped and called them a “monster,” making it seem like they are in fact the “abused one.” Or a physically abusive person might use the excuse that they “always have to put up with the other person” as a reason for beating up their partner.
As we can see, the “poor me” attitude can be used on both sides of the human spectrum: both seemingly “normal” people and more extreme and dysfunctional psychopathic people. For example, in codependent relationships, self-victimization can be used by the enabler and the abuser, and sometimes both at the same time in a kind of power struggle.
There is no one “type” of person that fits into the victim role, so it’s wrong to say that only narcissists or sociopaths adopt this role. I have personally seen all types of people play this role: from sweet old grandmothers to teenagers, mothers, fathers, professionals, and even “spiritually awakened” people.
23 Signs of the Victim Mentality
Are you, or is someone you love, playing the victim? Here are some common signs to look out for:
- You’re constantly blaming other people or situations for feeling miserable
- You possess a “life is against me” philosophy
- You’re cynical or pessimistic
- You see your problems as catastrophes and blow them out of proportion
- You think others are purposely trying to hurt you
- You believe you’re the only one being targeted for mistreatment
- You keep reliving past painful memories that made you feel like a victim
- Even when things go right, you find something to complain about
- You refuse to consider other perspectives when talking about your problems
- You feel powerless and unable to cope effectively with a problem or life in general
- You feel attacked when you’re given constructive criticism
- You believe you’re not responsible for what happens in your life (others are)
- You believe that everyone is “better off” than you
- You seem to enjoy feeling sorry for yourself
- You attract people like you (who complain, blame, and feel victimized by life)
- You believe that the world is a scary, mostly bad, place
- You enjoy sharing your tragic stories with other people
- You have a habit of blaming, attacking, and accusing those you love for how you feel
- You feel powerless to change your circumstances
- You expect to gain sympathy from others, and when you don’t get it, you feel upset
- You refuse to analyze yourself or improve your life
- You tend to “one-up” people when it comes to sharing traumatic experiences
- You’re constantly putting yourself down
As we can see, the permanent sense of being a victim is deeply destructive both internally, and externally.
How to Stop Being a Victim
If you’re reading this article because you suspect that you might be clinging to a victim mentality, here are some tips that can help you step out of this toxic role:
1. Start replacing “you” with “I”
For example, instead of saying “you make me feel so angry,” you can replace that statement with, “I feel so angry when I hear you say that.” This simple trick can help you learn to take more self-responsibility for your happiness.
2. See yourself as a survivor
A victim argues with life, a survivor embraces it. A victim dwells in the past, a survivor lives in the present. A victim believes they’re helpless, a survivor takes back control over their life. Although the victim mentality is addictive, the survivor mentality is much more empowering in the long term. Once you start seeing yourself as a survivor, you’ll begin to feel better about life and you’ll attract other people for the right reasons. Listening to a survivor is much more refreshing and inspiring than listening to a victim wallow in self-pity.
3. Be kind and compassionate towards yourself
In other words, be careful about becoming a victim of being a victim! This role isn’t something you choose: you developed it as a result of childhood conditioning. Be gentle with yourself and practice self-love. Explore your core wounds and core beliefs that compound your victim identity, and replace self-loathing with self-compassion. If you’re struggling to get past the victim role, practice self-care by seeing a therapist. Experiment with practices such as journaling, affirmations, NLP, CBT, and other forms of self-love.
4. Explore your mistaken beliefs
Mistaken beliefs create anxiety, depression, anger, and blame. We explore the twelve different types of mental traps here. You will probably be stunned by how many types of mistaken beliefs you have unknowingly adopted!
5. Ask “What thought is creating this suffering?”
All suffering originates in beliefs that go unquestioned and unexamined in our minds. When we attach to these thoughts, we suffer. Remember that you don’t need to believe the thoughts in your head: thoughts are simply fluctuations of energy that we assign meaning to. Practicing meditation can help you notice how transient thoughts are.
6. Practice being thankful
Gratitude is a simple but powerful way to remind yourself that life is not as miserable as you perceive it to be. Each day, try to find ten things that you’re thankful for. You might like to keep a gratitude journal in which you write these ten things down, or simply name them mentally. Try to feel sincerely thankful for having these things.
7. Affirm self-responsibility
Start to notice all the ways you bypass self-responsibility. Be ruthlessly honest and examine how gaining sympathy from others makes you feel special and continues the cycle of pointing the finger at others. You might like to use an affirmation such as “I am responsible for my life” or “I am empowered to create change” to help you reprogram this unconscious need to play the victim. You might also like to do something that builds your confidence and actually shows you that you’re capable … or reflect on something in the past that you overcame successfully.
8. Perform an act of kindness for another
When we play the victim we tend to be solely focused on ourselves. Get yourself out of your head by doing something nice for another person you love. Realizing that you can feel good without manipulating another person is an important way to cut the addiction the self-victimization.
How to Deal With the Victim Complex in Other People
We’ve all met those people who are perpetually moping and complaining about their lives.
These people seem to carry around the belief that the world is against them and appear to almost enjoy feeling miserable. In the field of psychology, these people are referred to as individuals who suffer from a victim complex; a type of neurosis that revolves around obtaining pity from other people.
What is a Victim Complex?
The victim complex is a mindset that develops through life and is triggered mainly through childhood conditioning. People who suffer from the victim complex perpetually see themselves as the victims of other people or circumstances. This warped self-perception leads to the desire to gain affection and attention from other people while simultaneously avoiding self-responsibility and blame.
What is the Difference Between Victim Mentality and Victim Complex?
They both sound so similar … so what is the actual difference?
While both can (and do) overlap, the victim mentality is more of a common issue. Most people struggle with a victim mentality at one point or another during life. The victim complex, on the other hand, is an insidious and deeply rooted behavioral pattern that defines a person’s entire outlook on life. Unlike the victim mentality (which generally tends to be short-lived), the victim complex can define a person’s life for years, even an entire lifetime.
In other words, the victim complex is far more serious and pathological than the victim mentality.
14 Signs of the Victim Complex
People suffering from the victim complex will display a large percentage of the following symptoms:
- They will constantly put themselves down
- They will blame other people or situations for feeling miserable
- They’ll refuse to analyze themselves in order to feel better about life
- They have a “life is against me” philosophy
- They feel powerless or helpless to change their circumstances
- They think others are purposely trying to hurt them
- They enjoy sharing their tragic stories with others
- Even when things go well, they still find something to complain about
- They believe that the world is a mostly bad and dangerous place
- They get upset and reactive when given constructive criticism
- They believe that everyone is “better off” than them
- They tend to blame, attack, and accuse those they love for how they feel
- They see their problems as catastrophes and blow them out of proportion
- They don’t take responsibility for their happiness
I realize how frustrating living with, working with, or simply being around a self-proclaimed victim can be. I have dealt with my fair share of those struggling with victim complexes, but the important thing to remember here is that these people are genuinely suffering as a result of their mindset. These people genuinely believe that they are helpless and are at the complete mercy of other people and life. This learned helplessness is not developed as a way of manipulating you (although it can be used that way), it was developed as a result of early life abuse. So it’s important that we show compassion to the people in our lives suffering from victim complexes, without of course enabling their warped self-perception.
How to Deal With Self-Proclaimed Victims
So the question now is, how can you deal with victims without hurting them?
Handling those who struggle with the victim complex can be tricky, particularly because direct confrontation only reinforces their sense of being persecuted. Here are some tips that might help you:
1. Don’t get sucked into their feelings
Remember that victims are unconsciously seeking attention and validation. However, when you grant what they want, you will become emotionally entangled with them, which is bad for both you and them. Try to be a passive listener, without actively involving yourself in their pity party. Remember that they will look to you for sympathy as a way of reinforcing their victim mentality, but don’t give it to them. Simply remain neutral, unless you decide to practice point 3 (below).
2. Make it their problem
Victim complex sufferers will always find a way to pin blame and responsibility onto another person as a way of bypassing self-responsibility. They will also try to get you to agree with them to bolster their sense of feeling “right.” Instead of agreeing, express how much confidence you have in their ability to handle the situation as mature adults.
3. Agree wholeheartedly
This practice uses a little bit of reverse psychology: go along with their resistance completely so that you completely blow the problem out of proportion. So if the victim is saying how terrible their life is at the moment, agree with them: life truly is awful and horrendous for them. This tactic can cause the victim to change their tune, saying, “well I guess life isn’t that bad …”
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4. Don’t give advice
The truth is that victims don’t want to solve their problems, because that would undermine their sense of being victimized! Therefore giving advice to them is equivalent to speaking to a wall: you’re wasting your breath. When victims seek for “advice and counsel” what they’re really wanting is evidence that you care. This is the sad thing about victims: they confuse pity with love.
Try practicing these pieces of advice and you’ll find that the victim either starts taking responsibility for their life or seeks sympathy elsewhere. Either way, you won’t have to be the victim’s “victim” anymore.
Finally, don’t forget that the victim complex is a form of mental illness. Keep an open and compassionate heart, but don’t be an enabler.
***
The victim mentality and victim complex are truly insidious and destructive forms of behavior – they taint friendships, ruin relationships, and destroy your self-esteem. But through applying the advice in this article, hopefully you will feel inspired and empowered rather than victimized by what is happening to you.
Do you struggle with the victim mentality? Or perhaps you have a loved one or colleague who suffers from the victim complex. Feel free to share and vent below!
I’ve been married for almost twenty years and I’ve recently discovered my wife fits the victim complex mold perfectly, almost as if she were the archetype for this infliction. Thinking back over our relationship I can pinpoint certain events where it should have been glaringly obvious but somehow I missed it. In the past few years things have gotten much worse. She’s cheated on me with an old love and blames me for the indiscretion. She even went so far as to take our children to his house and his families houses, expecting they could become a support system since we have little family of our own. Obviously, this didn’t sit well with me and when I confronted her about it she defended her choice aggressively. To the point the lover and his family tried to get involved and push me out of the picture. Of course this led to more conflict. She started taking drugs and ended up losing her job and practically destroying her career. She went into a deep depression and hid in a closet for two months. Her income was 2/3 of our household income and we ended up losing our house. I had to take a job where I’m forced to travel to make up the difference and we ended up moving into a RV with our kids because nobody would rent to us and it was either that or end up on the streets. She blames me that we don’t have money for the things we need. She missed a court date recently because our cars had been repossessed and she had no transportation. This was, of course, my fault because I “don’t support” her. So, she got arrested for missing the court date and of course I was out of town for work which meant our kids were left alone in the RV. CPS got involved and now my kids are in foster care. And somehow this is all my fault. I just don’t get it.
Ace, you realize that you are playing the role of a victim in your post, right?
The points you brought up reminded me a lot of my high school days, when a good number of my friends would constantly try to one-up each other with their tragic life stories. We would be having a nice conversation when suddenly, someone would mention how they were hit or dragged around as a child. And then someone else would say, “That’s NOTHING. When I was younger…” etc. Back and forth, back and forth, an endless loop of self-perpetuated pity, fueled by the stubborn human ego.
“You tend to “one-up” people when it comes to sharing traumatic experiences.”
This struck a chord with me regarding a friend I was talking to about a month ago. I was told her that there was a murder that took place down the street from me and her response was, “I have one better” and then proceeded to tell me about what happened in her neighborhood.
Then last night, she told me that because I didn’t tell her about a certain transaction, I had betrayed her and she won’t be calling me anymore. She’s in the same line of work, so you would think that she’d understand we have a fiduciary responsibility first and foremost to our client, so why she would expect me to tell her I was doing business with someone she knows all too well is beyond me.
I’ve often wondered what her problem is and now I clearly know and understand thanks to your article. I have tried multiple times trying to help her by explaining to her that her thoughts are her reality. I thought she understood but I guess not. She even snapped at me one time saying, “you can’t just forget about your past.” And I had to explain that’s not what I was saying. I was saying you have to reframe it. Perceive it differently. And for every negative, reverse it with a positive. I’d even share examples. But she always reverted back to her usual toxic ways.
Sadly, after she lashed out last night with “I don’t want to talk about it” I just had to tell her good-bye then and hung up knowing I would probably never hear from her again.
It hurts me to know she’s hurt, but it’s her thinking and how her victim mentality frames her perceptions that she brings this ‘stuff’ all on herself. I wish I could have been the one who could have helped her, but after 13 years of it, I am somewhat relieved to know that we’ve now parted ways. Some people just can’t be helped. Very sad…very sad indeed.
Great article.
From my point of view, those who suffer from victim mentality/complex also tend to self perpetuate and or maintain the troubles they say they are a victim of. I’ve lived with a family member who has been suffering from this for most of her life.
Haha the beginning with the perks list made me laugh ;’)
Hillary Clinton is a PERFECT example of everything about this article.
Fabulous article. I have been aware of my victim mentality for a while, working on it, but I’ve never seen such a good, in depth article about this. I so deeply wish tools like this were available when I was much younger (I’m 69) but there was nothing to help or hold on to, so it just persisted in me. I was abused into complete victimhood in childhood, and it took a very long time for me to realize that the world isn’t against me. That was my reality. I’m sad that so much of my life was “wasted” in that state of mind. Once in a while, when I experience something intense that triggers it, I slip back into it, but usually I recognize it for what it is and remind myself that although I can’t make that feeling go away just by trying, I can minimize it and help it pass more quickly by being aware of what it is. It is extremely painful while it is happening, because it throws me back into that awful pseudo “reality.” but I have less and less of it as time goes by. Thanks again for this great article.
I’m confused. I’ve just recently acknowledged that I’m in an abusive marriage, physically, financially and verbally, after 20 years. I’ve got 3 kids under the age of 18, and my aging parents live on our property so I can help take care of them. I feel very trapped in that I’d never be able to leave him and take my kids and parents with me. He knows I can’t leave, and uses that to his advantage. I’m finally going to counseling and reached out to our minister and his wife to try and get additional help. She told me not to play the victim. It kind of made me want to curl up and retreat into myself. The last thing I want is to have the attention or people feeling sorry for me. I just was at a place I felt like I had to tell someone and try to get help. At what point is someone playing the victim versus actually being a victim?
Hi Nanci.
I’m sorry to hear of the suffering you’ve gone through. It’s healthy to understand that you have been victimized and you are therefore a victim of your circumstances. Don’t let anyone try to shame you because without understanding this victimization, you wouldn’t be able to get out of the toxic situation in the first place. Being a victim only becomes playing a victim when we use our victimhood to manipulate/control others. I’m not sure whether that’s what is happening with you, but it’s better to listen to the advice of a trained therapist/counseller rather than a minister (who likely have no psychological training). To say “stop playing the victim” to you sounds, from my perception, harsh and insensitive. You are a fighter and survivor, keep going!
Wow, this is most of my family. I grew up literally getting beaten if I didn’t do what they wanted me to do. I was called names if I tried to be healthy. My mom told me she would beat me until I was like her. Sorry, but it does seem unfair. Now I’m an adult who’s confused about even what’s right and wrong! It’s humiliating.
I’m not bypassing anger. But I have been wronged. Learning the lessons those experiences taught me is not being a victim. Allowing myself to feel the hurt and pain associated with those experiences is not ‘victim mentality’ either.
Your pain is completely valid. I think that the article doesn’t fully account for complex life experiences and is kinda judgey. ‘victim’ is quite limiting and powerful language, but I guess all language can be seen as that by someone as it’s hard to verbally describe the intracicies and specificity of trauma and emotional distress. You are absolutely allowed to be wherever you are, emotionally. Side note, I have no idea what your experience is. I think any kind of structural oppression is kind of minimised in spiritual articles and in that way it feels kind of capitalist, it’s apparently the individual who needs to shift their perspective about their own trauma. I think that obv we have to do the work and acknowledge our part in telling ourselves the same stories and not releasing stuff but being blamey and judgey ain’t gonna help no one heal. Also acknowledging that there are barriers for people might be a good idea. In my opinion Knowing our power(despite oppression) can coexist with pain of what we have experienced, and randomly assigning labels of ‘victim mentality’ to people who are hurting seems to be the opposite of compassion…
Your response here was wonderful Anita, thank you! I feel more confident in addressing my victim mentality when I’m not feeling judged and limited, so hearing your thoughtful, compassionate and intelligent response to the above comment was quite empowering.
I’d also like to add that there isn’t necessarily anything wrong with wanting “evidence that you care”, it’s hard to feel empowered when people don’t show care – I think it’s a complex topic though!
I’ve been where you’ve been talking about. I’ve spent a lifetime in therapy and worked very hard to grow. My mentors of 25 and 35 years have supported and helped me. They have seen amazing growth. I have a new therapist who is tough and doesn’t put up with crap and she’s proud of how hard I’m working. I’m more social, responsible, consistent, stronger. I got sucked into a manipulative relationship with an authority figure/friend. Others see it, too, but it even took them a while. How to I pick up signs that someone is trying to victimize me so I can be proactive? I cannot find anything about that. Only seeing a therapist once a week isn’t enough to help me with everything. I’m intelligent and learn on my own, but without access to information I feel stuck. Vulnerable. I don’t know the subtle signs to look for and how to deal with them if I see them. I’d really like some help here, please. Thanks.
You need to reprogram yourself and remove the hooks in your subconscious or find somebody to help you do that. Then, you will have more clarity about people and life in general
I have been through darkest phases of my life and received help with God’s grace when I was at the bottom most pit, but when I was a little bit out of my situation I realized that one does not constantly need help but can device ways of herself. The answer to your question lies in being more self aware,knowing your weeknesses and strengths above everything. Trust me! We can receive help from higher power when in need but we will have to fight our own fight all by ourselves nobody can/will do it for us.
You spoke of a manipulative relationship with an authority figure. Read an article called “Narcissist Victim Syndrome” (narcissisticbehavior.net). This nails what is going on in my own life. Possibly your’s?
Oh my gosh, this is totally me. I remember saying to myself when i was younger that I felt like someone put a curse on me! Even now as an adult, said to myself that I’m people’s punching bag lol No i shouldn’t laugh. I know this is serious, will get into therapy! Thank you for this article.
Great article. I am working on releasing the victim “mode”. I believe that some people honestly don’t know that they are doing it . I tried so hard to please others that when I did what they told me and it didn’t go right, I would blame them and tell that story to others. And THAT became my reality. I’m healing, changing , and trusting me.