I was always hungry for love. Just once, I wanted to know what it was like to get my fill of it – to be fed so much love I couldn’t take any more. Just once.
— Haruki Murakami, (Norwegian Wood)
One of the greatest problems that Old Souls ever face in this life, is finding love.
What sets Old Souls apart from others is their deeper level of maturity or wisdom, and with this wisdom comes the need to live and love authentically.
But as you’ve probably already discovered, the problem with most relationships is that they’re established to avoid loneliness, create comfort or security, or gain some sense of self-worth.
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In other words, many relationships are based on playing ego-centered “games,” just like the ones we see on TV and in films. People thrive on the drama. People believe that they “need” another person to fill an empty hole inside of them. But something within you thirsts for a deeper level of love beyond the melodrama and lust.
The truth is, you yearn deep down for that which you’ve never (or rarely) experienced before: a relationship that is intense but healthy, devoted but free, supportive but not smothering.
You crave for honesty, authenticity, passion, empathy, true love, sincerity, and depth. You want to be seen, heard, understood, valued, and loved for who you are. And you want to express the same towards someone else.
My first relationship happened in my early twenties, with Luna. Up until that point in my life, I didn’t feel that any person matched my intensity of love, even after traveling through countless countries and meeting hundreds of people.
Over the years workings with many Old Souls I’ve come to realize that many others experience this exact same problem: the inability to find, or form, a truly fulfilling relationship.
Here are some of the main reasons why finding love as an Old Soul is so difficult:
1) We want love that is authentic
We want to be in a relationship that encourages and celebrates mutual authenticity. We don’t want to hide, pretend, suppress or change who we are in any way. We don’t want to find someone that doesn’t mind “putting up” with us, but rather, encourages us to “put forth” our truest and most authentic selves to be completely embraced.
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2) We want love that teaches us
Instead of criticizing or rejecting us, we crave for someone who will point out where we’re going wrong, or ways that we need grow. Deep down, we realize that we will always have more to learn (Socrates once said “True wisdom is knowing that you know nothing”). It can be argued that all love affairs teach us, but they usually teach us unconsciously as a byproduct of suffering. Conscious teaching, on the other hand, is rare, precious and hard to find.
3) We’re healers but we don’t want to “fix” anyone
Due to our nature, we tend to attract people who are looking for help. But while our natural response is to offer help, we realize that entering a relationship in order to “fix” the other person is unwise. We don’t want to be the 24/7 doctors or counselors of our partners; we want to find someone who is in a similar place to us.
4) We have complex personalities
We think a lot, see deeply into the nature of reality and have intense personalities. It’s hard to find a person who can understand or match our complex identities. Having depth and seeking truth in a society that values materialistic status, objects, and superficial appearance can intimidate most people from getting to know us.
5) We want love that is beyond “liking”
We want fierce, uncompromising, genuine, deep love. In today’s world, most people throw around the word “love” as if it were synonymous with “like,” such as, “I love this ice cream/this pair of shoes.”
“Like” has no commitment. One day you like one flavor, the next day you like another.
Love is different. While liking is superficial, love is penetrating. While “liking” something is admiring its exterior form (and letting everyone know what that says about you), love is seeing past the exterior form and adoring the Soul.
6) We want love that is vulnerable
Being compatible at a personality level is simply not enough. True love is not liking someone or sharing their same interests, but instead is willingly opening up one’s heart and Soul — even if it hurts.
It is through the willingness to be vulnerable that wounds open, are given air, and heal. It is through vulnerability that we experience courage and the ability to love unconditionally.
7) We want commitment and effort
Love constantly needs to be nurtured, like the embers of a burning fire. Words are empty when they aren’t followed by action. As Old Souls, we know that real love can only be shown through shared experiences, effort, and dedication.
8) We want love rooted in wholeness
The moment your happiness depends on another person, you lose your freedom to love out of choice. We want a partner who is happy and whole by themselves so that we can share that wholeness with them. When people enter a relationship out of a sense of “neediness” because they feel incomplete or fear being lonely, the relationship is doomed. As Old Souls, we realize that healthy relationships are rooted in inner happiness.
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9) We won’t settle for anything less than Soulmate love
Old Souls find it difficult to settle for comfort, lust, superficial attraction, security, or “keeping each other company.” We need someone who will share our values and be a true spiritual companion. We thirst for Soulmate and Twin Flame love.
10) We don’t enjoy the “Dating Game”
The drama, the addiction, the stimulation, the rules of what “should and shouldn’t” happen … it’s this egocentric approach towards love that Old Souls find so unappealing. This adds to the ever-increasing difficulty of finding love.
11) We come with wounds
Many Old Souls become the way they are through difficult and traumatic life circumstances which force the growth of inner maturity. When it comes to love, it’s vital that we find someone who is mature enough to deal with the “baggage” we often carry. But this can be hard to find in others.
12) We want more than just sex
Lust, seduction, and sex are alluring but ultimately momentary and shallow if obsessed over. While we love sex, we want more than just one night stands. We want to share our bodies with those that fall in love with our Souls first, rather than just our physical forms.
13) We’re Free Spirits
The reason why falling in love is so beautiful is because it expands us: it unites us with our innate freedom. The moment control is asserted over such a transcendent experience, we put love in a cage. And every time we look at that cage, we feel guilty in remembering how free that bird once was.
Deep down, Old Souls know how vital it is to encourage freedom in relationships. But it’s hard to find a person who is willing to fly free as well. Freedom requires courage and the ability to love another despite what they say, want or do.
The first present I gave Luna was a ring, with the inscription: “Alis volat propriis” (She flies with her own wings).
***
These are just a few of the reasons why so many Old Souls struggle in finding love.
What is your experience as an Old Soul trying to find love? I’d love to hear your stories below.
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I would describe myself as a ‘free spirit’ and I know I am not alone. I have no desire for a ‘love’ relationship as I am happy maturing as ‘me.’ I have had relationships, including a twenty year marriage but I have found each partner although professing to love me has wanted to change the person I am. And as I am changing, learning, developing and maturing at quite a fast pace (in order to keep up with the mountains of wisdom I am discovering each day) I would not expect another soul to walk the same path. I am so pleased to find myself in a society where I am able to choose my own way and to be born into an age of spiritual freedom.
Great article. I will have left this planet before any of this true love happens but at least I know what’s going on.
Excellent article that deeply resonated with me. I was hoping you were going to include a list of solutions to this dilemma, or even one suggestion! I know the universe is capable, but sometimes feel it will not happen for me in this lifetime.
Thanks Jamie.
I could only hope there would be something as simple as a ‘How To’ list of solutions to these struggles.
The truth is the only solution there is, is to continue your path of Soulwork. The more whole and complete you become individually, the more you’ll prepare yourself, the soil of your Soul, for that seed of love to immediately sprout when it comes in contact with it.
The only real control we have is to surrender to the knowledge that the universe is capable, and will provide when the moment is right.
Beautiful:prepare yourself, the soil of your Soul, for that seed of love to immediately sprout when it comes in contact with it.
This article is spot on and resonates deeply with me on all levels. The longing itself becomes traumatic for me. Society and the people who are typically supposed to be kind, accepting and caring (family for example) soon become those who judge, mock and dismiss you because you are outside of the scope of “what they have convinced themselves to be true love.” However, this article clearly and gracefully (see #8…which reads “When people enter a relationship out of a sense of “neediness” because they feel incomplete or fear being lonely, the relationship is doomed. As Old Souls, we realize that healthy relationships are rooted in inner happiness.”).
I have never been married and I have never experienced true love. I know that I am deeply wounded and mature (old soul), a free Spirit to say the least.
I have only 1 daughter who is married and just had her first baby girl (12/15/16). My daughter once stated to me that she and her husband are the same person. That statement alone was devastating and eye opening for me to hear and painful to witness. It’s very much a co-dependent relationship (neither of them are whole) and I am not welcomed or accepted in the dysfunction of it all; which is very hurtful of course. Yet, I remain hopeful, anchored and thankful that I am not in such a superficial, emotionally abusive and unhealthy relationship.
Mateo, you are such a powerful, articulate and trans-formative writer! I enjoy your articles, insight and your wisdom immensely. It gives me such HOPE and encouragement (inspiration), that although I have already lived 50 years on this earth, without love, that perhaps before I die, I will be able to experience my Twin Flame…just maybe it will happen for me (against all odds).
Thank you for sharing your heart and your profound wisdom with us here on Lonerwolf. I’m eternally grateful that I am connected with others like myself in this platform.
Hello Shaun,
I’m humbled you found such grace in this article and feel blessed to be able to contribute my part to our collective growth.
It’s a shame when situations like your daughter arise, especially when they are close family members as you see the error in the ways but know it is beyond your control to solve it until the maturation of the other person is right. I’ve experienced this several times with family members and it’s always humbled me in realizing what a powerful teaching that is.
My friend, when everything aligns perfectly, the universe shows us a glimpse of that twin flame love, that sparkle and reflection in the existential mirror.
It’s one of those life Koans, spiritual paradoxes, that only when you surrender and stop searching; the once searched for becomes the found. You’re on the right path toward that Shaun.
don Mateo Sol, you are such a BEAUTIFUL human being! Your words, enlighten and resonate deeply with my soul! Thank you for your encouragement and most of all for your kindness…it’s refreshing and desperately needed in this time. Also, I love when my name is used at the end of a sentence/thought, I find it to be very affirming.
I can only hope that one day my daughter will mature and AWAKE to the truth of who she is beyond the limitations and manipulation her spouse. But this is a choice she has made and willingly remains in the dark to appease and accommodate her circle of friends (church community).
Surrendered…I will remain and move toward all that my SOUL LONGS for…I’m beyond exhausted from the striving, that’s in my past now…
Beautifully written, expressing so much of what I know but have never been able to verbalize, significantly 13, the link which revealed the Endless road.
13 is one of the most powerful lessons in love, and it’s so easily forgotten in our habitual ‘absent mindfulness’.
The modern dating game has created intense pressure and anxiety in me. Dabbled in it way too long; learning more about myself over time, as in things mentioned above, has helped me to see why. Much more heightened intuitiveness and sensitivity now when I meet people. I know if there’s a connection or not almost right away. Up to now it’s all no, and the times I ignored the inner-voice I paid for it. The yes will come in it’s own time. Good article.
What I Love about me is I can see the spiritual potential in the average person and extraordinary in the ordinary maybe its to do with the fact that we’re all one and to acknowledge it in others you must first acknowledge the same in yourself… guess I can be so enthusiastic that I overlook others flaws, I’m pretty optimistic but also real and down to earth when talking through such issues, I’ve been away from media, but Sol and Luna have a wonderful Winter Solstice, Pun intended get it SOL’stice loool
Hahah, Solstice, I like that :)
Happy Monday! Thank you for this article as it explains so much and I resonate with it completely:-) Namaste
Speaking of Old Souls, I am 17 years old (No, I’m not bragging; I just wanted you to understand my context and therefore my situation) I have always felt secluded from my materialistc and egoistic friends (though I sometimes am guilty of being the latter) family and peers in general for being so slow, emotional etc. which from what I have read in Lonerwolf, is a trait of and Old Soul and I always wondered what happens after I die, what do I do in my stay here on earth, is physical existence the end? etc. you get the picture and because of this I experience frequent Existential Crisis and Anxiety (I always experience the physical symptoms of anxiety stemming from Existential Anxiety) Basically I have a crisis of Existential Proportions and am being secluded for having that general disposition (Old Soul), Life really is a b*tch sometimes, help me.
P.S The Existential Anxiety is the worst feeling among all
Hello Panda,
It’s nice seeing such young Souls on the journey with us. There’s two questions you seem to have, 1) what happens after we die, 2) How to deal with the existential anxiety. To me they’re both rooted in the same problem.
Reflection of our mortality and a thirst for knowledge of what happens next are the deeper metaphysical questions our Souls explore on their path to awakening. They are true existential questions beyond the superficial and habitual lifestyle questions we have everyday.
The anxiety comes as a result of wanting these questions answered. However, I’m not a priest or a religion, these questions I calling you to embark on a journey of Soulful maturation, Soulwork, and truly experience the answer yourself. Only be getting to know your own Soul will you truly experience, not just ”think about”, the answer.
All thirteen, yes. It’s really difficult, impossibly difficult for me, to find a person or people who can relate to the sense of love that I’m experiencing.
Some times I feel already content being alone, other times I was desperate to have someone who can truly listen to me for just five minutes.
I know the frustration. It’s not impossible though, however, it’s like pursuing happiness. The more you chase after it, the less likely you’ll have it.
I guarantee the moment you least expect it, it’ll appear itself on your path.
This article really resonates with me and has confirmed why all my years of dating and short-lived relationships have been so disappointing. There was never any deep compatibility, reciprocity of feeling or meaningful connection. I grow weary of all the cliche, banal platitudes: “It will happen when you least expect it”, “He’ll turn up when you stop looking” etc.
After a particularly painful breakup, I’ve spent the last 3 years alone. Recovering, re-centering and trying to figure out why I attract all the wrong types. I have also given up on the dating game completely. And guess what? Nothing happened. No surprise there.
I’m happy to hear you and Luna met in your 20’s, how lovely that you get to share those precious years of youth with your soulmate. I am now entering my 40’s. My friends are long married with children. I believe many of them settled and don’t envy their situations. However, neither do I see how my waiting for a soulmate/twin flame is working out particularly well for me.
In fact, I’m beginning to suspect that perhaps Old Souls aren’t here to experience partnership, as if we’ve evolved beyond that. Although without it, I fail to see the point. Since this is turning out to be quite a lonely existence, and I have a lot of love to give and nobody to give it to, I plan to get a dog.
Hi Amanda
I hear you. I’m 47 and still single. I have been without any kind of partner for the past 8 years and have not been physically intimate with a man for over 2 years. Don’t get me wrong, I’m slim, blonde and from what others tell me, apparently very attractive but I just can’t seem to find my soulmate. Perhaps he came and went and I missed him. Who knows?
I’m successful, independent, work in a creative job and teach yoga, however I can relate to most of those points. I must be an old soul. I yearn for something that transcends the norms of what people call relationships. I yearn for a bond, a deep connection and even deeper understanding of me, and I feel it may not exist in this reality.
I am so incredibly complex that no man has the patience or depth to even begin to understand me so…I have a cat.
…and I am learning to love myself more and find fulfilment in other things.
Blessings xxx
That is what I believe, also. Thank you for affirming my faith that my soulmate and I will find each other effortlessly when it is meant to be.