I was always hungry for love. Just once, I wanted to know what it was like to get my fill of it – to be fed so much love I couldn’t take any more. Just once.
— Haruki Murakami, (Norwegian Wood)
One of the greatest problems that Old Souls ever face in this life, is finding love.
What sets Old Souls apart from others is their deeper level of maturity or wisdom, and with this wisdom comes the need to live and love authentically.
But as you’ve probably already discovered, the problem with most relationships is that they’re established to avoid loneliness, create comfort or security, or gain some sense of self-worth.
In other words, many relationships are based on playing ego-centered “games,” just like the ones we see on TV and in films. People thrive on the drama. People believe that they “need” another person to fill an empty hole inside of them. But something within you thirsts for a deeper level of love beyond the melodrama and lust.
The truth is, you yearn deep down for that which you’ve never (or rarely) experienced before: a relationship that is intense but healthy, devoted but free, supportive but not smothering.
You crave for honesty, authenticity, passion, empathy, true love, sincerity, and depth. You want to be seen, heard, understood, valued, and loved for who you are. And you want to express the same towards someone else.
My first relationship happened in my early twenties, with Luna. Up until that point in my life, I didn’t feel that any person matched my intensity of love, even after traveling through countless countries and meeting hundreds of people.
Over the years workings with many Old Souls I’ve come to realize that many others experience this exact same problem: the inability to find, or form, a truly fulfilling relationship.
Here are some of the main reasons why finding love as an Old Soul is so difficult:
1) We want love that is authentic
We want to be in a relationship that encourages and celebrates mutual authenticity. We don’t want to hide, pretend, suppress or change who we are in any way. We don’t want to find someone that doesn’t mind “putting up” with us, but rather, encourages us to “put forth” our truest and most authentic selves to be completely embraced.
2) We want love that teaches us
Instead of criticizing or rejecting us, we crave for someone who will point out where we’re going wrong, or ways that we need grow. Deep down, we realize that we will always have more to learn (Socrates once said “True wisdom is knowing that you know nothing”). It can be argued that all love affairs teach us, but they usually teach us unconsciously as a byproduct of suffering. Conscious teaching, on the other hand, is rare, precious and hard to find.
3) We’re healers but we don’t want to “fix” anyone
Due to our nature, we tend to attract people who are looking for help. But while our natural response is to offer help, we realize that entering a relationship in order to “fix” the other person is unwise. We don’t want to be the 24/7 doctors or counselors of our partners; we want to find someone who is in a similar place to us.
4) We have complex personalities
We think a lot, see deeply into the nature of reality and have intense personalities. It’s hard to find a person who can understand or match our complex identities. Having depth and seeking truth in a society that values materialistic status, objects, and superficial appearance can intimidate most people from getting to know us.
5) We want love that is beyond “liking”
We want fierce, uncompromising, genuine, deep love. In today’s world, most people throw around the word “love” as if it were synonymous with “like,” such as, “I love this ice cream/this pair of shoes.”
“Like” has no commitment. One day you like one flavor, the next day you like another.
Love is different. While liking is superficial, love is penetrating. While “liking” something is admiring its exterior form (and letting everyone know what that says about you), love is seeing past the exterior form and adoring the Soul.
6) We want love that is vulnerable
Being compatible at a personality level is simply not enough. True love is not liking someone or sharing their same interests, but instead is willingly opening up one’s heart and Soul — even if it hurts.
It is through the willingness to be vulnerable that wounds open, are given air, and heal. It is through vulnerability that we experience courage and the ability to love unconditionally.
7) We want commitment and effort
Love constantly needs to be nurtured, like the embers of a burning fire. Words are empty when they aren’t followed by action. As Old Souls, we know that real love can only be shown through shared experiences, effort, and dedication.
8) We want love rooted in wholeness
The moment your happiness depends on another person, you lose your freedom to love out of choice. We want a partner who is happy and whole by themselves so that we can share that wholeness with them. When people enter a relationship out of a sense of “neediness” because they feel incomplete or fear being lonely, the relationship is doomed. As Old Souls, we realize that healthy relationships are rooted in inner happiness.
9) We won’t settle for anything less than Soulmate love
Old Souls find it difficult to settle for comfort, lust, superficial attraction, security, or “keeping each other company.” We need someone who will share our values and be a true spiritual companion. We thirst for Soulmate and Twin Flame love.
10) We don’t enjoy the “Dating Game”
The drama, the addiction, the stimulation, the rules of what “should and shouldn’t” happen … it’s this egocentric approach towards love that Old Souls find so unappealing. This adds to the ever-increasing difficulty of finding love.
11) We come with wounds
Many Old Souls become the way they are through difficult and traumatic life circumstances which force the growth of inner maturity. When it comes to love, it’s vital that we find someone who is mature enough to deal with the “baggage” we often carry. But this can be hard to find in others.
12) We want more than just sex
Lust, seduction, and sex are alluring but ultimately momentary and shallow if obsessed over. While we love sex, we want more than just one night stands. We want to share our bodies with those that fall in love with our Souls first, rather than just our physical forms.
13) We’re Free Spirits
The reason why falling in love is so beautiful is because it expands us: it unites us with our innate freedom. The moment control is asserted over such a transcendent experience, we put love in a cage. And every time we look at that cage, we feel guilty in remembering how free that bird once was.
Deep down, Old Souls know how vital it is to encourage freedom in relationships. But it’s hard to find a person who is willing to fly free as well. Freedom requires courage and the ability to love another despite what they say, want or do.
The first present I gave Luna was a ring, with the inscription: “Alis volat propriis” (She flies with her own wings).
***
These are just a few of the reasons why so many Old Souls struggle in finding love.
What is your experience as an Old Soul trying to find love? I’d love to hear your stories below.
I’m not an old soul (at least I was told that I’m not) but a mature soul in transition to the old, and yes, finding love for me is hard and I never knew exactly why. Thanks to your articles I found out the reasons for me to still remain single after near 30 years of living on earth. Well, I’m not giving up, and well, the right person will come when they comes anyway. Thank you so much for all the well-written entries, they’ve helped me discovered many bits and pieces of myself I had never know before. Thank you. <3
I get all that you are saying. I have not had a meaningful (my definition of meaningful) relationship ever. Both of my children were born out of wedlock and I have never been married. Most men only want the superficial thing they can easily walk away from.
I decided at the age of 40 to no longer engage with “casual sex”. I have been celibate now for 14 years and am enjoying my second “virginity”. I feel empowered as a woman to say “no” to sex until the person who can love at the depth of the soul walks into my life.
Love came very easy in the old days.
I found this soul love with my dog! I only had 9 years with him but love never dies.
Is it me or do some of these people that this resonates with sound like old souls at levels one and two, who might still be holding on to the previous mature soul level. I am either level one or level two old soul. I am more than content without the relationships and I’d only be willing to be involved in a relationship if it brought something amazing to the table without costing me my current freedom and I can’t even imagine that happening in this lifetime. There is this unconscious sense that the lack of a need for relationships is fairly new to me. I imagine that is due to a lot of incarnations as a mature soul still being somewhat fresh. My son, on the other hand, is probably at least a level 3 old soul and he’s much more used to and comfortable with “nope not interested in all that” from childhood on and he is now 31 years old. In both of our cases, it’s not just with romantic relationships, but with friends too. There’s just no interest in relationships that are manipulative, dramatic, jealous, needy or shallow and since the large number of people are not old or mature souls, the relationships that present themselves tend to be exactly that, so we walk away. I’d rather garden, love my pets or just think. I may do a whole lot of nothing much most days, but I still have the sense that I haven’t got time or space for all that.
It is amazing how this article rings so many bells. I have felt many of these things and it is nice to see that I am not the only one who struggles finding true, lasting love. That there is a reason is an added bonus. It’s not just some fairy tale that got stuck in my head and became the model partner ive been looking for. I have settled for less all my life.
My poor soul needs all of the devotion that I have given to others in the quest for a soulmate. My soul needs a place to rest.
Knowledge is power, wisdom is happiness, and truth is freedom. I read that somewhere, and I am not sure who originally said it, but they knew what they were talking about.
Thank you again for making all this available and showing others they are not alone.
i always thought the idea of a soul mate was very sweet. but that one ‘we wont settle for anything less than a soul mate’ is the one i can relate to the most. i can VERY easily pick up on the vibe when someone is attracted to me and its flattering, but i can tell when the person isn’t the type i’d be happy with which is pretty much every time i pick up on that vibe. it sucks.
sometimes i hate thinking about this stuff because its such a tease lol. i might be too idealistic, but i feel like i couldn’t settle on someone that isn’t like quiet, gentle, introspective and sensitive. i like fellow old soul types. i like loners. hence why im here. soul mates aside, its really difficult to find people who are similar. like just to be friends. i feel pathetic when i try to make friends online lol but i feel like every old soul has done that.
oh well. :)
Meeting people online makes me cringe. I am older in earth years as well, but I’m an old soul too. I feel like trying to make something like a soul mate happen seems counter productive as if you are trying to force something that should be meant to be. Let it go, let it be. If people are very worried about having a relationship, they are probably a mature soul not an old soul. Mature is the relationship soul level, right? That being said, I do think we all have some need to connect on the human level, no matter our soul age and level, because we remember what it’s like to be connected on the other side and we translate that to romantic love and sex on this side, because we are inside a physical body with a sex drive. I think the old soul difference is simply higher priorities. We may also want relationships, but not at the expense of our own growth in any way and not by compromising any of they positive things we have by being independent and free. We are also bone weary tired of the drama at this point, btw. This is my take: Mature souls learn not to sacrifice any part of themselves for someone else. Old souls decide they may have more important things to deal with than relationships altogether, but if a person is a “soulmate” and thus is a partner and helpful in those important things, so be it and welcome. Soul mates generally make life goals easier not harder, in my opinion. My two cents. :)
It is challenging aspect of this lifetime that hasn’t been getting any easier.
I think alot and find easier and more direct ways of doing things, but finding someone to have true connection with has been a painful experience.
Its in my nature to try and teach what I have learned, and it almost always too painful for others to think of.
I can’t shut my eyes to the intentions we have behind to simplest of things we do and view it in humble understanding of mere observation.
This is always met with feelings of being criticized or pain from intentionally hiding it from oneself.
I can’t understand and keep asking the question… Why.. Why why can’t I share this deep intense need or desire to love and connect on a soul level with someone.
I have experienced intense pain and rough times, but still I have so much love to give.. It overwhelmes me when indeed I grow close to another.
Truth is all that binds me to this life of not really knowing how to make sense of reality. And this is a rare qaulity that is easily shaped into something easier to accept or live with.
Why…
I truly understand the meaning of “ignorance is bliss”.
But hiding things from oneself causes pain. I always work my life to be happy and quickly and naturally guide it towards it. This is also not common.
Im also an empath and feel the pain people cause to themselves and see the fear in their eyes when comfronted with the truth.
This makes me feel the need to be free and spend time alone so I can just be and truly enjoy the love I have for everything and connect with nature…
But sometimes this is lonely road to walk and gets to me why I can’t find someone to share these insights, emotions and understanding with…
Comfort, loyalty, compassion and integrity and love of oneself is the things I need from another..
But as you said… Seeing one of these in another is challenging how to find all is my question that Im not closser to answering since I can remember….
Thanx for the artical… It brings alot of comfort knowing that there is reason behind my experience.
I can’t help but believe that there will come a time when I can truly connect and share this life time with another as myself.
I am 17 and deeply feel sick about those relationships around me. Right from the day I understood the value of a partner(the one supposed to be trusted and lived with till the end of this birth), even as a little girl, I kept questioning myself, if that’s all that love really meant or was there something very important that I was missing…. Now, even after I figured out myself the true feelings of love and relationships, I still couldn’t find it around me…..my parents, cousins, friends, all of them. They seem like they are bound in this under compulsions, like they have duties to perform for maintaining stability, that when they aren’t careful would be lost. But where’s this thing that I define as ‘love’?….I kept searching until now before I found. Thank you so much for letting me rediscover the truths, for letting me understand the things I weren’t able to define these many days, for helping me take these burdens off my head. Feels so great to know that something I want exists somewhere… THANKS A LOT.
I can relate to this article. Im 18 and far different from most of my age-mates. I am an old soul since 4 years and struggle with love too. I live in Africa for some years now and met a lot of people. Because Im social, many people (especially guys) find my spirituality and wisdom appealing. They might see their perfect life partner in me, but I do not see mine in them, which always breaks me and saddens them…
I never read something so amazing whereas I resonated to it,to know end.I finally got confirmation that In Love there is people out here that understands its a deeper force within your body and soul, that has nothing to do with loneliness or anything artificial,materialistic or just the need for fear of being alone.You see I’ve been kind and loving all my life, as far as I can remember.I’m 60 years old now,And my belief about love is just as you’ve described It.I always have thought I had the soul-mate of my life to find out that,It never last forever.
I have long term relationships because I give that Love that’s authentically designed and expressed,I’ve given all of my self in relationships so deep that it ends in pain, at least I feel the pain. You see Often people whom I thought would be my soul-mate took Love for granted,That’s when the Bird often get locked back in the cage as you expressed in the “13 reasons Old souls struggle to find Love”
My relationships each lasted life 10 years and above. My last relationship lasted 28 years. I’ve only had 4 serious relationships,I believe they lasted soul long because I was the one giving and showing genuine love and I believe in long term relationships (Nothing Less)meaning 10 years or more.
Each time my relationship ended their was cheating going on and once I experience that their seems to be know repair for that.I can’t except adultery when its not warranted or deserving, when I’ve given all that I have to give,when expressing LOVE.So now I believe I have to wait and attract a person just as I am, on the subject of love.Smiles,I really enjoyed reading lots of the comments and I am happy to be in this group I hope to bring some good thoughts to the page soon.I am new in the group and I just want to read & listen to others opinions and advice,maybe I’ve missed something in this life time. I really enjoy both of you Luna & sol I look forward to being around here a long time.
Thanks
A very unfortunate bad time finding real love these days since it really came very easy in the past.
I haven’t even began to dig into your site yet and I’m already so in uplifyed and inspired by what I’ve barley saw. You two are amazing and i can totally feel your genuine vibes. I’m excited to dig into the site Assad check out all your beautiful hard work. Thank you for your time to help the lost souls in the world reconnect and find a place to call home.
This article rings so true with me. As usual, beautifully written.
As for my own romance experience… I have ever met some people online, and some were relationship that quickly escalated to just sexual interest, I suppose. I ever had one where the guy was a kind of “energy vampire” too (though I’m sure that he never meant it). I like to wonder and imagine, what kind of person my “one and only” will be… so helplessly romantic that I almost easily fall in love with anyone. But lately, I discovered that I wasn’t fell in love with people — instead, I fell in love with the idea of falling in love. I still am, sometime, but at least I could realise this sooner.
Actually… I have this one close friend of mine that might be my Twin Flame. I couldn’t be sure — or maybe I was just hoping for someone with brighter prospect to appear in my life. Because the way we are now, I believe that there might be a possibility that we will both end up not marrying anyone. He was my best pal, ever since we met in high school. We both “the black sheep”, always against the foolish thing in mainstream things. However… we were (and still are) very close to each other, that our class mates often teased us as a pair of lovers. We, being young, denied it as much as we could. We persisted that we are just best of friends, and never will be more. Now, whenever anyone ask us whether we are dating or not, we will just say we have nothing romantic in our relationship — we are just “partner in crime”.
However, the thought occurred to me lately, that so far, I have never found anyone who could know about me as deep as him. We have many in commons, while having many things in contrast as well. We are both introverts and identify ourselves as old souls. We both see the fault in modern society and stay away from it. However, I’m a rather simplistic person — I identify myself specialising in art, literature, and spiritual knowledges. Him, have more talent in things such as politics, maths… I’d say that he’s more down to earth while I often have my mind up in the clouds. He could do so much, bringing forth many real actions. Meanwhile me, I’m more suitable to be someone who whispers thoughts and dreams to people — but I haven’t been feeling much successful.
The second thing is, he is an asexual. Of course I have nothing against it. Him being an asexual doesn’t make me loving him less. But that does make him persists that he couldn’t have such romantic relationship with anyone. I think he believes that a romantic relationship needs sex as a big feature in it. (Btw, he does also know that love story in films and dramas are nothing sort like a true and deep love relationship.)
Nowadays, I doubt that I will ever be married. Finding someone like him, who could be such a dear friend to me, is a miracle. I don’t know whether such miracle could happen twice. Most probably, we will both grow old just being best friend. And I’m telling myself to be okay with this.
Sorry that I ended up writing so much. But I feel the need to tell this to someone. Thank you, Lonerwolves. I love you. :)
I’m in my seventies and have never married. My childhood was full of examples of difficult relationships that didn’t appeal to me, and I’ve always known that I did not want that. I won’t settle and if I don’t have that special relationship, I can stay by myself. It’s not my preference, but I would feel trapped with the wrong person. This article has made it clear to me why I’ve always avoided what everyone else wanted. I prefer to be with people who are open minded and free spirited.
What is the solution ?
Well for many of us good men having a very difficult time finding love is that the women of today have really Changed from the good old days when love was very easy to find at that time, and unfortunately Not today.
I agree