I was always hungry for love. Just once, I wanted to know what it was like to get my fill of it – to be fed so much love I couldn’t take any more. Just once.
— Haruki Murakami, (Norwegian Wood)
One of the greatest problems that Old Souls ever face in this life, is finding love.
What sets Old Souls apart from others is their deeper level of maturity or wisdom, and with this wisdom comes the need to live and love authentically.
But as you’ve probably already discovered, the problem with most relationships is that they’re established to avoid loneliness, create comfort or security, or gain some sense of self-worth.
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In other words, many relationships are based on playing ego-centered “games,” just like the ones we see on TV and in films. People thrive on the drama. People believe that they “need” another person to fill an empty hole inside of them. But something within you thirsts for a deeper level of love beyond the melodrama and lust.
The truth is, you yearn deep down for that which you’ve never (or rarely) experienced before: a relationship that is intense but healthy, devoted but free, supportive but not smothering.
You crave for honesty, authenticity, passion, empathy, true love, sincerity, and depth. You want to be seen, heard, understood, valued, and loved for who you are. And you want to express the same towards someone else.
My first relationship happened in my early twenties, with Luna. Up until that point in my life, I didn’t feel that any person matched my intensity of love, even after traveling through countless countries and meeting hundreds of people.
Over the years workings with many Old Souls I’ve come to realize that many others experience this exact same problem: the inability to find, or form, a truly fulfilling relationship.
Here are some of the main reasons why finding love as an Old Soul is so difficult:
1) We want love that is authentic
We want to be in a relationship that encourages and celebrates mutual authenticity. We don’t want to hide, pretend, suppress or change who we are in any way. We don’t want to find someone that doesn’t mind “putting up” with us, but rather, encourages us to “put forth” our truest and most authentic selves to be completely embraced.
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2) We want love that teaches us
Instead of criticizing or rejecting us, we crave for someone who will point out where we’re going wrong, or ways that we need grow. Deep down, we realize that we will always have more to learn (Socrates once said “True wisdom is knowing that you know nothing”). It can be argued that all love affairs teach us, but they usually teach us unconsciously as a byproduct of suffering. Conscious teaching, on the other hand, is rare, precious and hard to find.
3) We’re healers but we don’t want to “fix” anyone
Due to our nature, we tend to attract people who are looking for help. But while our natural response is to offer help, we realize that entering a relationship in order to “fix” the other person is unwise. We don’t want to be the 24/7 doctors or counselors of our partners; we want to find someone who is in a similar place to us.
4) We have complex personalities
We think a lot, see deeply into the nature of reality and have intense personalities. It’s hard to find a person who can understand or match our complex identities. Having depth and seeking truth in a society that values materialistic status, objects, and superficial appearance can intimidate most people from getting to know us.
5) We want love that is beyond “liking”
We want fierce, uncompromising, genuine, deep love. In today’s world, most people throw around the word “love” as if it were synonymous with “like,” such as, “I love this ice cream/this pair of shoes.”
“Like” has no commitment. One day you like one flavor, the next day you like another.
Love is different. While liking is superficial, love is penetrating. While “liking” something is admiring its exterior form (and letting everyone know what that says about you), love is seeing past the exterior form and adoring the Soul.
6) We want love that is vulnerable
Being compatible at a personality level is simply not enough. True love is not liking someone or sharing their same interests, but instead is willingly opening up one’s heart and Soul — even if it hurts.
It is through the willingness to be vulnerable that wounds open, are given air, and heal. It is through vulnerability that we experience courage and the ability to love unconditionally.
7) We want commitment and effort
Love constantly needs to be nurtured, like the embers of a burning fire. Words are empty when they aren’t followed by action. As Old Souls, we know that real love can only be shown through shared experiences, effort, and dedication.
8) We want love rooted in wholeness
The moment your happiness depends on another person, you lose your freedom to love out of choice. We want a partner who is happy and whole by themselves so that we can share that wholeness with them. When people enter a relationship out of a sense of “neediness” because they feel incomplete or fear being lonely, the relationship is doomed. As Old Souls, we realize that healthy relationships are rooted in inner happiness.
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9) We won’t settle for anything less than Soulmate love
Old Souls find it difficult to settle for comfort, lust, superficial attraction, security, or “keeping each other company.” We need someone who will share our values and be a true spiritual companion. We thirst for Soulmate and Twin Flame love.
10) We don’t enjoy the “Dating Game”
The drama, the addiction, the stimulation, the rules of what “should and shouldn’t” happen … it’s this egocentric approach towards love that Old Souls find so unappealing. This adds to the ever-increasing difficulty of finding love.
11) We come with wounds
Many Old Souls become the way they are through difficult and traumatic life circumstances which force the growth of inner maturity. When it comes to love, it’s vital that we find someone who is mature enough to deal with the “baggage” we often carry. But this can be hard to find in others.
12) We want more than just sex
Lust, seduction, and sex are alluring but ultimately momentary and shallow if obsessed over. While we love sex, we want more than just one night stands. We want to share our bodies with those that fall in love with our Souls first, rather than just our physical forms.
13) We’re Free Spirits
The reason why falling in love is so beautiful is because it expands us: it unites us with our innate freedom. The moment control is asserted over such a transcendent experience, we put love in a cage. And every time we look at that cage, we feel guilty in remembering how free that bird once was.
Deep down, Old Souls know how vital it is to encourage freedom in relationships. But it’s hard to find a person who is willing to fly free as well. Freedom requires courage and the ability to love another despite what they say, want or do.
The first present I gave Luna was a ring, with the inscription: “Alis volat propriis” (She flies with her own wings).
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These are just a few of the reasons why so many Old Souls struggle in finding love.
What is your experience as an Old Soul trying to find love? I’d love to hear your stories below.
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What is the solution ?
As I mentioned in the article, all we can do is work on ourselves; work on the soil that is our soul, be healthy and wise gardeners, and when the seeds of love fall in our garden; they’ll immediately sprout and blossom into the relationships we so deeply seek.
This article is accurate. I have doubts I will find ‘real love’ in a wealthy city-state that is about how much one has and what is one’s social status and almost everyone else is a pathetic meat golem who goes along with the program shallow bullshit version of ‘love’ with drama.
‘Love’ has been overused to the point by two-faced people with an agenda that hearing it causes my mind to shut down.
In today’s world where the system has turned divorce and alimony into a money-making scheme with ‘oppressed women’ using it to exploit and fuck over the minds of their ex-husbands who have no social support or safety net it doesn’t exist.
This is me to a Tee. I’m 30 and i’ve never been in a real relationship – partly due to fear and past trauma, partly due to me “knowing” i was meant for a particular love, not just any. I’m beginning to feel that something better will come…I hope! I’m praying!
The following is a first and most likely only response here. In this case a drive to respond became apparent and then insistent. So before all ado, sincere thanks to the both of you for the time spent writing and sharing material that may or may not aid others in unique understanding of the paths they are on, the stages they may experience, and a vision of what may come. The universe is a deep, beautiful, complex entity, it’s ever-connecting strings apparent in all around us.
Though, there are those who read material on this site who’s ways are very congruent with the world and are at a place where society reinforces that stage, there are others whose ways rarely match the ways of the world. To be the former would almost seem like a blessing.
For the sake of summary, let one assume that one possesses each of the characteristics noted in the article “9 Signs you are an old soul”, for the sake of fun scored between 93 and 97 on the quiz (LOL) consistently even when asking a close friend to take it for you. These characteristics alone make it difficult for such a person to find love, the kind they may crave, but always seems out of reach.
Then, let us imagine a 3 year old who’s mother would guide them by the hand back to the sandbox because they were more interested in the walnut in adjacent woods than the children in the box. Or a 3 year old hanging off the tail of a 25 hand quarter horse in the pasture during a family reunion. Let us imagine a 5 year old walking up to strangers in the grocery store, reaching for their hand, letting them know it was going to be ok as they began crying. Let us imagine one who’s life circumstance led them all over the world, to attend 10 schools in 12 years, to have seen the bolshoie at age 14. Let us imagine an adult who takes 2300 mile off road motorcycle trips solo while previously married (LOL). Let us imagine one whose idea of going to the neighbors for weekly barbecues painful to think about, happy hour a choir, the the idea of going to the newest restaurant a job, and attempts at small talk frankly draining. Let us imagine an adult guided by the hand by their spouse to the neighbors party, who ends up walking the paths in adjacent woods during the party. Let us imagine the progression when the other begins telling that person that everyone thinks that they don’t like them, that when the other attempts to share what they believe is a great insight presented by Krishnamurti for example, and the significant other responds with a blank stare followed by the words, I don’t know what he is talking about, as the book is casually flipped to the bed. Let us imagine being told they are hard to love.
These things make it difficult for one to find what they hope the universe will bring to them. While not lonely, or in any way bitter, it is not always easy, nor is it expected to be. Life already taught that. It is my hope that this may resonate with others to simply show they are not alone on the path they were given, perhaps chosen. It is often that resonance that helps others the most.
The world in which we live in, through my eyes at 36, is such a beautiful and extraordinary place in which we are so privileged to be apart of. It is also a very LARGE place to those who have never felt that true soul bearing, gut wrenching companionship. True love, to an old soul is a brush of the fingertips vs. a long hard kiss, a walk through the door and the sound of their laughter wraps around you as would a hug, it’s a letter inside your notebook reminding you (as if you’d forget) why you are so perfect for each other and it’s the memories long after the physical body has gone that you hold onto of the conversations you had about always finding each other again. After all it’s our souls that fall in love and when he comes to me in my dreams and tells me Gods time is like milliseconds…I dare not argue. I love your articles and to see yours and Luna’s happiness. You two are wonderful people.
This is exactly me
Beautifully said. I am so very thankfull for finding the love I need in de form of my husband. We met when I was 17 and had just lost my mother, he was 19. As an old soul I recognize the reasons described in this article. I do want someone who is genuine, true and loves me for who I am. I can truelly be my self with my husband and he with me. We have no secrets, we share our thoughts, worries and joys. And indeed we let each other be. We don’t restrict each other, we help each other grow. So I deeply hope we can grow old together :)
Im seventeen and I have never been in any form of a romantic relationship before. I am confident in the person I am and I know my friends appreciate my unusual ways. Beauty isn’t everything and there are often many layers to a person formed by their experiences in . When I am attracted to a guy, my soul recognises something pecial in them, something that runs deeper than physical attraction. I’ve tried getting to know a couple of guys but end up feeling the need to water myself down (which I don’t) or as if they just aren’t dimensional enough to match my level of intensity. It saddens me that there are only but a few people out in the world who take the time to look for the beauty around them that truly matters. The beauty in nature; sunsets and sunrises, the night sky and stars or in the comfortable moments of silence shared between two people, in the slight warmth of the sun’s rays on a cold winter’s day and in the amazingness of the prospect of untamable, rulebreaking wild yet simple love. Love that starts with the conscious choice to take a chance and get to know a stranger; disregarding all rules on the ‘proper’ way to go about it. Sigh. Scarce are people who love genuinely and wholeheartedly with the hope of being loved in return someday. People like me. When it comes to love, I feel so lonely as I stand in a sea of people who merely seek companionship, sex or dependency. Dear Sol, how do I keep the flame of hope burning within me?
I wish I had put these thoughts into words for myself, but now that I have them, they have become my own, thank you!
Wow! You gave me such insight! Thank you!