I was always hungry for love. Just once, I wanted to know what it was like to get my fill of it – to be fed so much love I couldn’t take any more. Just once.
— Haruki Murakami, (Norwegian Wood)
One of the greatest problems that Old Souls ever face in this life, is finding love.
What sets Old Souls apart from others is their deeper level of maturity or wisdom, and with this wisdom comes the need to live and love authentically.
But as you’ve probably already discovered, the problem with most relationships is that they’re established to avoid loneliness, create comfort or security, or gain some sense of self-worth.
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In other words, many relationships are based on playing ego-centered “games,” just like the ones we see on TV and in films. People thrive on the drama. People believe that they “need” another person to fill an empty hole inside of them. But something within you thirsts for a deeper level of love beyond the melodrama and lust.
The truth is, you yearn deep down for that which you’ve never (or rarely) experienced before: a relationship that is intense but healthy, devoted but free, supportive but not smothering.
You crave for honesty, authenticity, passion, empathy, true love, sincerity, and depth. You want to be seen, heard, understood, valued, and loved for who you are. And you want to express the same towards someone else.
My first relationship happened in my early twenties, with Luna. Up until that point in my life, I didn’t feel that any person matched my intensity of love, even after traveling through countless countries and meeting hundreds of people.
Over the years workings with many Old Souls I’ve come to realize that many others experience this exact same problem: the inability to find, or form, a truly fulfilling relationship.
Here are some of the main reasons why finding love as an Old Soul is so difficult:
1) We want love that is authentic
We want to be in a relationship that encourages and celebrates mutual authenticity. We don’t want to hide, pretend, suppress or change who we are in any way. We don’t want to find someone that doesn’t mind “putting up” with us, but rather, encourages us to “put forth” our truest and most authentic selves to be completely embraced.
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2) We want love that teaches us
Instead of criticizing or rejecting us, we crave for someone who will point out where we’re going wrong, or ways that we need grow. Deep down, we realize that we will always have more to learn (Socrates once said “True wisdom is knowing that you know nothing”). It can be argued that all love affairs teach us, but they usually teach us unconsciously as a byproduct of suffering. Conscious teaching, on the other hand, is rare, precious and hard to find.
3) We’re healers but we don’t want to “fix” anyone
Due to our nature, we tend to attract people who are looking for help. But while our natural response is to offer help, we realize that entering a relationship in order to “fix” the other person is unwise. We don’t want to be the 24/7 doctors or counselors of our partners; we want to find someone who is in a similar place to us.
4) We have complex personalities
We think a lot, see deeply into the nature of reality and have intense personalities. It’s hard to find a person who can understand or match our complex identities. Having depth and seeking truth in a society that values materialistic status, objects, and superficial appearance can intimidate most people from getting to know us.
5) We want love that is beyond “liking”
We want fierce, uncompromising, genuine, deep love. In today’s world, most people throw around the word “love” as if it were synonymous with “like,” such as, “I love this ice cream/this pair of shoes.”
“Like” has no commitment. One day you like one flavor, the next day you like another.
Love is different. While liking is superficial, love is penetrating. While “liking” something is admiring its exterior form (and letting everyone know what that says about you), love is seeing past the exterior form and adoring the Soul.
6) We want love that is vulnerable
Being compatible at a personality level is simply not enough. True love is not liking someone or sharing their same interests, but instead is willingly opening up one’s heart and Soul — even if it hurts.
It is through the willingness to be vulnerable that wounds open, are given air, and heal. It is through vulnerability that we experience courage and the ability to love unconditionally.
7) We want commitment and effort
Love constantly needs to be nurtured, like the embers of a burning fire. Words are empty when they aren’t followed by action. As Old Souls, we know that real love can only be shown through shared experiences, effort, and dedication.
8) We want love rooted in wholeness
The moment your happiness depends on another person, you lose your freedom to love out of choice. We want a partner who is happy and whole by themselves so that we can share that wholeness with them. When people enter a relationship out of a sense of “neediness” because they feel incomplete or fear being lonely, the relationship is doomed. As Old Souls, we realize that healthy relationships are rooted in inner happiness.
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9) We won’t settle for anything less than Soulmate love
Old Souls find it difficult to settle for comfort, lust, superficial attraction, security, or “keeping each other company.” We need someone who will share our values and be a true spiritual companion. We thirst for Soulmate and Twin Flame love.
10) We don’t enjoy the “Dating Game”
The drama, the addiction, the stimulation, the rules of what “should and shouldn’t” happen … it’s this egocentric approach towards love that Old Souls find so unappealing. This adds to the ever-increasing difficulty of finding love.
11) We come with wounds
Many Old Souls become the way they are through difficult and traumatic life circumstances which force the growth of inner maturity. When it comes to love, it’s vital that we find someone who is mature enough to deal with the “baggage” we often carry. But this can be hard to find in others.
12) We want more than just sex
Lust, seduction, and sex are alluring but ultimately momentary and shallow if obsessed over. While we love sex, we want more than just one night stands. We want to share our bodies with those that fall in love with our Souls first, rather than just our physical forms.
13) We’re Free Spirits
The reason why falling in love is so beautiful is because it expands us: it unites us with our innate freedom. The moment control is asserted over such a transcendent experience, we put love in a cage. And every time we look at that cage, we feel guilty in remembering how free that bird once was.
Deep down, Old Souls know how vital it is to encourage freedom in relationships. But it’s hard to find a person who is willing to fly free as well. Freedom requires courage and the ability to love another despite what they say, want or do.
The first present I gave Luna was a ring, with the inscription: “Alis volat propriis” (She flies with her own wings).
***
These are just a few of the reasons why so many Old Souls struggle in finding love.
What is your experience as an Old Soul trying to find love? I’d love to hear your stories below.
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A very totally different time we live in today unfortunately which makes love very hard to find now for so many of us single men still looking, and with so many demands that women want in us men now really makes it worse altogether. Just too many women that are real Gold Diggers today, and will only want men that are Rich which makes them real users and total losers altogether now to begin with.
Hello im a oldsoul woman..♀
Im 30yrs old and iam indeed the OLDSOUL . Living in the DC Maryland area its hard to find OLDSOULS. Ialways endup dating older which i love and prefer OLDER^ because the affection romance thats give to me plus the PATIENCE.
Not to say a person my age cant give me that kind of Romance but its RARE my generation is into that kind of explore. My music tasteis so way beyond . Idont even listen to RAP NOR HIPHOP MUSIC..And always been that way since was a kid. The jazz clubs/ lounges beer & wine fest musuems what i❤..
Gets boring but its worth the wait.
I am so elated to know there are people out there who feel the same way I do. So heart warming. Thank you❤
The biggest problems that I have encountered in dating is how so many men (but I have also seen it with women as I am bisexual) really don’t want to learn. I know that sounds like an easy sum up, but it’s the best way I can describe it. Many people are afraid of learning whether it’s from personal experiences or even just listening to people via word of mouth. Many of us run through life knowing well ahead of time that honesty is a rarity and something that often comes out over time. Most people lie. They lie about many things. They even lie to themselves about their own feelings. I have found this to be the climax of the whole problem. So many fear learning because learning means maturing. Dealing with feelings is also about maturing. So many people out there have this Peter Pan complex when it comes to approaching love. They don’t want it to last. They have unrealistic expectations of love and of themselves and many of them don’t even know themselves. This part is extremely frustrating especially for many of us that see ourselves as mature old souls. WE KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH THEM. THE PROBLEM IS THAT THEY DON’T KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH US… or worse yet, don’t want to. Because so many of us have scars and looking at them makes it too real.
Love really happened back in the past since it really wasn’t hard at all to find, and today it is like looking for a needle in a haystack which is why so many of us men are still single today.
This is 100% true
Wow! You completely covered everything I’m wanting in a relationship! And now I’m more aware of why it has been a challenge to call in this type of union. But it is worth waiting for. Thank you for your wisdom.
Being an old soul is very hard. But another hard part is finding another old soul you connect so deeply with but due to certain circumstances neither of you allow yourselves to be with each other because it could be devastating if we were to hurt each other again. But what do you do when your soul craves someone so bad not just sexually but in every sense. No one else seems to even come close.
Unfortunately it really has become very extremely dangerous for many of us single men just trying to start a conversation with a woman that we would really like to meet, and they’re very nasty to us most of the time since i had this happened to me already and even a few other friends that i know as well. Society has really changed since the past, and so have the women too making love very difficult to find now for many of us serious men still looking. And to think how very easy it was in the past, compared to today. Women today have changed in a very big way, and many of us men really Aren’t to blame either. If i really had that choice which i would’ve been married with a family a long time ago, instead of dealing with this mess today since i will definitely admit that i really Don’t like being single and alone now which is no fun at all for me. And there are so many disadvantages as well.
I am glad to hear a man speak like this
Hi Mark, you said exactly what I was thinking. I’ve been single for the better part of a decade, all while trying just to meet a loving woman who values authenticity and love and instead I seem to be met with fear when I insist on wanting to get to know them. It’s a very genuine wish and yet they seem to be interpreting it as I’m harassing them. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve gotten into some kind of trouble for simply telling someone how I feel about them or whatever. I don’t wish to speak ill of the #metoo movement, but I think one of its flaws was that it ended up making women more afraid of men than more comfortable sharing their feelings with us. So here we are in these tough situations. It hurts, but what can we do but live our lives as best we can and enjoy our time alone as loners. I wish all of us luck.
Hello Jeremiah, i made my comment a while ago. But most women nowadays unfortunately are just so very horrible too meet altogether, and just trying to start a conversation with these women today has become very dangerous now since many of us single men have to be very careful of sexual harassment as well. Most women today are very high maintenance, independent, selfish, spoiled, greedy, picky, narcissists, think they’re much better than anyone else, bad attitude problem, gold diggers, and very very money hungry as well. And a lot more can certainly be added to that list as well, as to why so many of us single good men can’t meet a real good woman anymore these days because of this. So the dating scene is very awful today for many of us men still looking and hoping. And to think that most women back in the past were never ever like today at all since they didn’t have much back in those days, and now they want everything that they never had back then which really changed them for the worst of all unfortunately. That is why our family members had it very easy back in the past when they met one another since most women were very different and real ladies, compared to the very pathetic women that are everywhere today. And the career women are the worst of all altogether since they have no manners and personality at all either, and they’re the ones that cause the most divorces as well unfortunately since they like to cheat a lot. Been there. Good luck to you as well.
I realized I’m an old soul back in childhood, and it’s amazing how accurately this piece reflects my experiences. I’ve tried superficial relationships, I’ve been married, and it’s never felt quite right. I had a relationship recently with someone who finally felt right, but then there was drama and we separated. Afterwards, I found out about the concept of a twin flame. I have a hard time believing it, since I’ve always been so rationally minded, but my intuition (that I’m finally acknowledging and listening to!) keeps pushing me back to that idea. He asked me one day, back when all the drama was happening, what I wanted, and I couldn’t answer. Now I know. This says it exactly, articulates it perfectly. And I’m left wondering… is he really?
Sun and Moon?
Such a lovely team. :)
Well first of all unfortunately most of the women as it is are very stuck up with a very bad attitude problem which a great deal of these women are real feminists and men haters altogether. So finding love for many of us single men is very difficult now since most of these women aren’t that nice at all to meet today since they have really changed from the old days. Love back then was very easy to find since most women were very old fashioned and real ladies too, and they very much Accepted the man for who he really was. Today most women look for men with money since they really are so very selfish, greedy, spoiled, as it is. Lets not forget how very money hungry as well altogether.