There is a very fine line between having a protective lover and a possessive lover โฆ
And yet many of us donโt know the difference. What separates innocent possessiveness (as seen in the first few insecure stages of love) with aggressive possessiveness? At what point do we say โenough is enoughโ?
When left unexplored and unresolved, possessive relationships can amount to feelings of profound unhappiness, anxiety, anger, and even physical or emotional abuse.
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At first, it can seem adorable and even flattering to be on the receiving end of your partnerโs intense love and devotion, but after a while it becomes smothering and even dangerous.
12 Major Signs You Have a Possessive Boyfriend / Girlfriend / Partner
Is your relationship healthy and supportive of your well-being, or unhealthy and destructive to your health and happiness? Although it can be hard to admit that you have a possessive boyfriend, girlfriend or partner, it is worth getting real about your relationship for your OWN inner peace of mind. After all, you have to live with your decisions for the rest of your life.
Here are some red flags that you should look out for:
1. You must appease their wishes all the time.
Essentially, if you donโt comply with, abide by, or fulfill what your partner asks of you, there is hell to pay in the form of nagging, demanding, threatening, and/or emotional blackmailing.
2. They control where you go, when, and why.
Whenever you want to go out, meet up with a friend or family member, or even do shopping, your partner breathes down your neck, wanting to micromanage every place you go to any person you see. Often they will discourage prolonged periods of going out and try to keep you confined to the house, typically in menacing or manipulative ways.
3. They stalk you.
Your partner keeps an eye on every little thing you do to the point of stalkingย you. This might include logging in to your social media accounts and checking your private messages, reading through your emails or text messages, checking your internet browser history, showing up unexpectedly while youโre out of the house, and so forth.
4. They are needy and clingy.
One key sign of a possessive boyfriend, girlfriend or partner is their tendency to remind you that โyou are the center of their worldโ so much so that they need no other friends or social connections because they have you. While this is not always a sign of neediness or possessiveness, it is when they display anger or resentment towards your otherย friends, colleagues or family members.
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5. They try to sabotage your friendships.
A deep and dark kind of jealousy seems to boil under the surface of your partnerโs faรงade as they try to dissuade you from spending time with your friends, colleagues or family members. They might criticize, character-dissect, bring up old issues youโve experienced, or even fabricate lies about those you want to spend time with, sometimes even turning you against those you care about.
6. They donโt respect your personal boundaries.
In a possessive relationship, personal space is rarely a concept that is valued. If you have a possessive boyfriend, girlfriend or partner, chances are they will impose themselves too much on your need to have time, space and objects that are exclusively “yours.”
7. They get extremely jealous and paranoid of โother women/men.โ
If you talk to a man or woman, they want to know why. If you get a phone call from someone else, they want to know why. If you get a friend request from someone at work, they want to know why. If you get an email from-so-and-so, they want to know why. And god forbid that you honestly reveal any kind of attraction you have to another person! This might spell severe guilt-tripping, emotional punishment, or even violence.
8. They control what you wear.
Going out? Better make sure that you get approval from your partner! The possessive boyfriend, girlfriend or lover will always openly assess what youโre wearing to ensure that it is โappropriateโ and to their standards.
9. They constantly message you when youโre out.
For some reason, your partner always seems to โcheck upโ on you when you are out, sending you more texts and calls than usual.
10. They want to be involved in all of your decision-making.
Every decision you make โ your partnerย wants to be there. Period. Often you will even feel pressured to do whatย theyย want to do, even if the decision has nothing to do with them.
11. They are emotionally or psychologically manipulative.
Your possessive boyfriend / girlfriend / partner has a way of diminishing your self-confidence. They might be emotionally abusive, gaslight youย and make you feel as though you donโt truly know what is best for you.
12. They say that โitโs all just love.โ
All of their jealousy, all of their paranoia, all of their controlling behavior โฆ โitโs all just love.โ Your partner justifies his/her toxic behavior by pulling the โlove cardโ on you, thus paving an easy escape route to avoid responsibility and blame. In fact, you might have bought into the “love” excuse yourself, continuing to justify your partnerโs destructive behavior because you are unconsciously too scared to face reality.
How to Handle Controlling Behavior
Possessiveness and any kind of controlling behavior in relationships is a clear sign of insecurity. And where does this insecurity come from? From the fear of abandonment, rejection and powerlessness. If your partner is possessive, it is very likely that they have a great lack of self-love and self-confidence, and this is because deep down, they feel that they โneed youโ in order to be happy, safe, secure, and successful.
Here is how I recommend dealing with possessiveness in relationships:
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- Re-establish your self-confidence and self-respect which might have been crushed or depleted in your relationship. For instance, explore self-assertiveness, how to love and take care of yourself, and if you are quiet by nature, learn how to rediscover your voice.
- Set aside an appropriate (not busy) time to talk with your partner. Open the conversation by letting them know how and why you appreciate them, and then merge into the problems you are facing with their behavior. Always talk in terms of โtheir behaviorโ not โthemโ as this removes unnecessary finger-pointing negativity.
- Provide specific examples of what behavior is disturbing or upsetting you, and what you would like to change.
- Be aware that your partner might get very offended, angry, dismissive, or upset. Prepare yourself for this beforehand to ensure that you keep your cool. It is vital that you keep your cool at all costs.
- Be very clear about what you want to change in the relationship, e.g. you want more equality in decision making, you would like them to stop speaking harshly about your family, etc.
- Remember, if you emotionally react (with anger, tears, shouting) the conversation is over as all valuable communication ceases once egos get involved.
- If they agree to change, help them out by drawing attention to any possessive behavior in the future and setting โtime outโ periods where you sit together and talk about the progress being made.
- Be patient. Possessiveness canโt be cured overnight.
- Give an ultimatum (if necessary).
If you canโt carry out these recommendations (e.g. due to domestic abuse, cultural expectations, egotism, etc.) it is best to consider ending the relationship, and build a support network for yourself.
Is Your Lover Protective or Possessive?
Being in a smothering relationship can be really hard and stressful. Remove some of that stress and burden by sharing your problems and proposed solutions below. And if you have any advice โฆ please feel free to lend a helping hand!
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My bf of one year we have a 3 month old. He is very jealous possessive and won’t let me do anything or go anywhere without him. Idk how I let it get to this point but I know it’s unhealthy. I can’t talk or see or go anywhere and especially not without him. I’m really getting smothered at this point and idk if I can fight my way out of it on my own. But at least having these thoughts is a step in the right direction. Thanks
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My girlfriend thinks I’m possessive controlling because I have had a problem the last three times he’s gone out first time she didn’t come home with said she was so I called her what’s up she tell me she know if she’s coming home she called me two hours later around 4 o’clock in the morning and I hear her say that was my boob and then hung up and then I didn’t see her till 7 o’clock in the morning the second time I’ve asked her to go have drinks on Cinco de Mayo but she ignored me and then told me couple hours later that a girlfriend asked her to go have drinks so she went well she didn’t come home till three in the morning but when she came home she had no clothes on drunk and talking about how she can get pills anywhere she wanted woke up in the morning to run an errand and she was gone before I got back went to the lake all day with a different friend and that same night that she went out she had a text and a phone call from a number that was calling her babe the third night we plan on spending time together every other weekend because she has her son every other weekend so as frantic and I’m getting ready to go to her house and she text me and tells me don’t get butt hurt that I’m going to PK Lake to watch cliff diving all weekend. An hour before I was fixing go to her house .and I had some plan for us Saturday morning because we don’t make plans so I didn’t tell her yet. So my possessive controlling because I had problems with some issues that come up while she had gone out ?
I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half we just moved in with each other about 4 mos ago. I fell in love with him because he was really good to me and my kids but after awhile he began to get clingy. I thought after moving in that would subside since we would no longer be in a long distance relationship, unfortunately that’s not the case.
I’m an introvert by nature and I love my space it seems like I’m being suffocated at times. I try to tell him to visit his friends or family and he won’t wanna go unless I go. If I go anywhere without him he gets offended and makes me feel bad. Even if it’s to visit my mother.. He says I’m not single no more we are a couple now so we have to do things together. I don’t agree.
He is also very jealous I feel like I am more easy going and I’m ok with him having female friends on FB and stuff whereas he feels threatened by guys on my FB. He wants me to take the lock off my phone and have access to mine and gets mad cuz I don’t take my lock off. I explain that I don’t go through his phone cuz I trust him and he should do the same. When he does go behind my back and get a hold of my phone he seems to find any little petty thing to get upset about even though I don’t message anybody! I feel like it’s unfair why does he have to make a big deal about any little thing?
He calls and texts me constantly when he is at work (my only free time!) If I say I’m busy or I don’t answer he gets upset and wants to know what I’m doing.
If something is bothering me and I express it he makes me regret even mentioning it because it turns into a huge argument. I’m beginning to lose my energy and getting stressed out because it seems like any thing I do seems to be wrong or suspicious.
I was considering marrying him but now I’ve realized how unsure I truly am. I believe he is a good person and does care for me and my kids but something is truly wrong here. After reading this article I see that it’s not just me that this is really going on and it’s not my fault.
Your experience describes mine exactly…no difference at all. Currently I am taking out time to consider if this is what I really want for myself. He admitted to having jealousy/possessive issues and says he will change but he’s said that a few times in the past already and hasn’t changed. After reading this article and other comments, I’m almost 90% sure it’s best to end it. I guess I’m just waiting for that inner prompt to make the call.
I am in exactly the same boat, my bf is so kind and caring and loving but goes thru my phone all the time. I never used to delete anything messages or anything so he went thru my phone and found atuff from several years ago and accused me of saving it even tho I told him over and over I don’t “save” things I just don’t delete cuz I don’t care but it causes huge fights so now I delete everything and thats not something I should HAVE to do to make him happy. Also he kept complaining cuz my phone would dibg so I keep in on vibrate cuz he asked me to but now that’s a problem too saying I have secrets n hide someone messaging me. Has deleted number out of my phone and friends off my Facebook, constantly questions me who am I talking to texti g with what’s it about n if I answer the phone and dont immediately tell him who it is he stands so close so he can hear who im talking to. I realize I’m in an unhealthy relationship and am trying to deal with it and figure out what to do, but he says I’m your boyfriend I have a right to know or you don’t share I tell u who im talking to. I said I don’t care who u talk to cuz I trust u but I guess I don’t get the same in return so it eased up for a couple days but back at it again shortly after. I have a huge decision to make wether I can handle this or not and that’s the decision we all have to make but don’t ever let anyone doubt your self worth, he tries to make me feel like I’m always doing something wrong when I know I’m not and I just tell him I’ve done nothing wrong and i know that sorry you’re upset. I hope we can all figure out our futures and what it holds for us. It’s hard when you love someone…………
I feel exactly the same way and I am going through the same thing. Promises of change are said but it keeps going back to the same thing. We broke up but are talking and hanging out again. Now he is trying to get me back to being his gf and keeps asking me to marry him. I wonโt say yes because I am very unsure and I know our relationship isnโt healthy. We are currently seeing a counsellor but now separately as we were going together for a while there. I donโt think that things will change and maybe I need to move on. Itโs so hard when there are many things that are good about the relationship. Sometimes the right thing is the hardest thing to do.
I have been through some emotional blackmails from my Ex, we were together for 8 years, she even had my baby, few years after we broke up, she started sending me threat messages of exposing and blackmailing me because of all the photos and documents of mine that i had on her device, I was so devastated, my personality means a lot to me and I wouldn’t trade that for anything in this world, I tried to do all I can to stop it until I met SWIFTHACKGENIUS, a hacker who helped me hacked into her mobile device and her laptop and deleted all my files from her device, I couldn’t believe my eyes until I found out this was possible, it was like magic, I want to thank SWIFTHACKGENIUS AT GMAIL DOT COM for helping me against blackmail, You can get in touch with him and tell him Richard referred You to him and he would be ready to help You..
I am that person this article is talking about. I’m not to controlling about his looks. But I am a lot of everything on here. Please be patient with people like us, I’m trying to change my self as I truly love my partner and I want nothing but happiness for them. How ever, it’s so hard. When I get possessive it’s not a mental feeling, but a physical reaction, I feel sick to my stomach, and my heart feels like weights are on it. Just from simple things like him having fun without me. I want him to have fun I just want to be there for every moment. It’s that bad, I try to not put it on him but then I sit along for hours with these feelings. He knows what I’m like, and he’s been with me for 5 years anyways. But it is still so hard. We’ve come so far, but it’s still there. It’s so hard for me, and I see the damage it does sometimes. But when I can control I try to make him the happiest man alive. So please, don’t give up easily. I am trying so hard to change and that means other people do to. Work with us, nor relationship is easy. This is just another hurdle…
Unless it is physically abusive, or your partner makes you sad and never happy. Abusive and possessive have a small boundary but it is there. If they cross that boundary then consider leaving.
I need some advice. I’ve been in a relationship with my fiance for 3years and we’ve been engaged for 1 year. Recently I’ve felt kind of smothered and discouraged and I don’t know if it’s him or me. We talk about our future all the time and how we both want the same thing,but we’ve been arguing a lot lately. I’ve noticed that he’s been drinking more and gets angry when he’s drunk. My parents have noticed this as well and have talked to me about it. More recently, this past weekend I was on a school trip. We had competitions all day and decided to hang out when it was all over at 10pm. My fiance fell asleep but texted me when he woke up around 1am. He asked what I was up to then got mad when I said I was hanging with people from my school group. We had a huge fight because it was 1am and I was still up and that I never stay up with him. I told him that this was a vacation to me because I didn’t have to think about school or work because normally I go to college full time during the week then work About 25 hours between Friday Saturday and Sunday. I understand arguing is normal but he brings up things from the past, says he knows things cause he was married, and makes me feel like I’m in the wrong. Can you help me out? I don’t know what to think anymore .
To many people like this. I personally think it stems from childhood. Treat everyone with common courtesy, respect yourself, and set the bar for adult social behavior. Or don’t complain when your face to face with someone acting like yourself.
The reality is that most of you who think your boyfriend or girlfriend is possessive let’s be real..one is because you my friend are a lying bitcb… Second u hide stuff from the other person… Then you do stuff so they chase you.. and then once the person is going nuts…you call them.possessive..because you are a manipulative bitch who is just lying to yourself. … Before u go and say others are psychos and possessive look at yourself
Youre a fine example of the person this article is warning people about.
Exactly! Well said.
Thank you for your article. I have been in my current relationship for 3years. My boyfriend has ALL these signs. He just started trying to say things about what I wear to church. He says abusive things to me, accuses me of being on the phone in the middle of the night and asks why am I awake when I’m just turning over in my sleep!!! I hardly get sleep from arguments like this at 3 and 4am in the morning…often. Note that I’m NEVER on my phone at that time of morning. It’s like he thinks the worst of me. He tells me I’m shallow and i make stupid decisions. It hurts and I find myself crying a lot. I haven’t left because I feel like he needs help. Do I need to walk away?
YES! TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE. IT’LL JUST GET WORSE.