It’s your day off. You’ve just finished spending half of your day doing favors for your “friends” and the other half being used as an emotional dumping ground by your sister/brother/parent. You’ve just made promises that you feel uncomfortable about with your boss on the phone and you’re feeling like a pile of crap. “What the f*ck is happening with my life?” you wonder with exasperation.
To put it bluntly, what’s happening is that you’re a people-pleaser who needs to build more self-respect.
Yes, you heard me. It’s time to give less fucks about what people think about you and start drawing some boundaries, saying no, and reclaim your personal sovereignty over your life.
It’s time to reconnect with your inner wolf.
What Is Self-Respect and Why Is It So Important?
Self-respect is a word that means honoring your worth, preserving your dignity, and taking pride in your abilities. Being self-respecting means that you believe at a core level that you’re worthy of being treated fairly and with courtesy.
Why is self-respect so important?
Without self-respect, we are susceptible to being used, abused, and mistreated by other people. Those who lack self-respect are often targets of unsavory types of people like narcissists and egomaniacs who enjoy using self-neglecting people as their lackeys. And who in their right mind would want to end up as fodder for those ratbags lurking in the dark corners of society?
Ultimately, self-respect is vital because it impacts every area of your life.
From your friendships and relationships to your work commitments, having self-respect ensures that you are treated well, given fair opportunities, have your needs and desires met, and remain on equal footing with other people. With no self-respect, you are prone to excessive self-sacrifice, letting yourself be walked over and used, abandoning your true self and authentic needs, giving up on your dreams, and other forms of self-abuse.
7 Examples of Self-Respect
Sometimes it helps to have a clear picture of what self-respect looks like so it’s not so cerebral. Here are some examples of self-respect:
- Refusing to be spoken to in an offensive way because you know you deserve to be treated well
- Cutting ties with a friend who is lazy and untrustworthy because you know you are worthy of having a dependable friend
- Setting strong boundaries around people who are energy vampires because you want to preserve your energy and not have it stolen
- Saying “no” to the unreasonable requests given by your child or family member because you respect your limits
- Having clear rules in your relationships such as “no lying” because you deserve to have an honest partner
- Refusing to settle for less in business deals because you know the worth of your work
- Not compromising your deepest values in favor of social acceptance
This list is by no means exhaustive, but I hope you get the idea! Also, don’t forget that you can leave a comment beneath this article just in case you need clarification.
What Are the Advantages of Having Self-Respect?
Oh boy, where do I start? Consciously developing self-respect is the very foundation of self-love and self-care. Here are some of the advantages of having self-respect:
- You honor your needs, desires, and values
- You feel empowered to say “no” and draw boundaries
- You have more energy to dedicate to yourself and your dreams
- You feel a sense of equality with others
- You respect the quality of your work
- You choose better friends, partners, and workplaces
- You feel happy and fulfilled in your romantic life
- You feel happy and fulfilled in your business life
- You feel a greater sense of self-trust and therefore self-confidence
- You know how to protect yourself
- You feel powerful and a sense of authority over your life
- You’re capable of practicing self-love and self-care
Another advantage of having self-respect is that you give yourself permission to follow your dreams and goals – instead of getting lost in managing or peddling everyone else’s BS.
Now doesn’t this sound like a big sigh of relief!?
13 Signs It’s Time to Build Some Goddamn Self-Respect!
When we lack self-respect, it’s like the fire within us has been dimmed. Our inner wolf has been captured. We have been domesticated and we don’t know how to protect ourselves.
Pay attention to the following signs and see how many you relate to:
- You always seem to attract people who mistreat or use you
- You have no time for yourself
- You feel exhausted most of the time due to your commitments to others
- You settle for less
- You feel inferior to or ‘less than’ others
- You struggle to speak up
- You can’t seem to say “no”
- You lack self-confidence
- You’re there for everyone, but no one is ever there for you
- You undervalue your strengths, gifts, and achievements
- You let others walk over you
- You’re excessively afraid of what others think about you
- You feel overall unhappy with the quality of your life
Stop and think. How many of these signs can you relate to? Don’t worry if you resonate with most of them. You’re certainly not alone – this is a big issue many people struggle with (including myself in the past).
How to Build and Gain Self-Respect
If you are used to bending over backward for people, building self-respect will be difficult.
If you are acclimatized to obsessing over other’s feelings/thoughts about you, gaining self-respect will also be hard. Furthermore, if you have been conditioned in a family or culture to put your needs last, self-respect will feel extremely elusive.
But don’t fret.
All habits require time, persistence, and reward (reinforcement). Below you’ll find out how to harness this winning formula to your advantage.
Here are some simple steps you can take to build and gain self-respect:
1. Spend time passionately affirming your worth
Your inner dialogue – the voice constantly chattering within your brain – has tremendous power. In order to build more self-respect, you will need to override the negative self-talk that causes you to devalue yourself.
When I write “passionately affirm your worth” what I mean is that you need to sincerely believe that you are worthy. At first, this may take some time and effort. But the more frequently you affirm your worth, the more your thinking patterns will change.
How can you passionately affirm your worth? Using affirmations is the simplest path – for example, simply repeating “I am worthy of respect” whenever you feel disempowered during the day will help to transform your inner talk. But what I recommend above all is to practice daily mirror work.
2. Practice mirror work
Mirror work is the practice of standing in front of a mirror, looking directly into your eyes, and saying something loving or empowering to yourself.
In front of the mirror, we can see all of our fears, insecurities, and desires – and that is precisely what makes this type of inner work so powerful. So try it out.
Stand in front of a mirror for 10 minutes each day and repeat (passionately) that you are worthy of respect. You may also like to adjust your body posture as you do this into a confident stance, e.g. standing up tall, with your chest out, and feet firmly planted to the ground. Changing your body posture will also have a positive effect on your mentality and almost instantly give you a big dose of confidence and self-belief.
3. Define your non-negotiable values
What do you value in yourself and others? What are you absolutely NOT willing to drop, abandon or compromise deep down? In order to develop self-respect, you will need to identify your values. Examples of values include:
- Reliability
- Honesty
- Compassion
- Acceptance
- Discipline
- Playfulness
- Work/Life Balance
- Uniqueness
- Sense of Humor
- Ethical Living
- Respect
Go on your favorite search engine and type in “list of values” for more ideas to help get you started. Then, get a piece of paper ready and write down what is 100% non-negotiable for you. Keep this piece of paper close to you and look at it each day.
4. Develop interests outside of other people and their BS
Let’s face it, dealing with drama can be exhausting BUT it can also be pretty damn exciting. Not only do you get to feel like a rescuer/savior, but you get to witness your very own real-life soap opera.
Many people who lack self-respect get addicted to the drama of those around them. Don’t be that person. Start exploring hobbies, interests, and projects outside of other people. Take a free personality test (or three) in our test area and figure out what your strengths and proclivities are. Find a channel on youtube you enjoy watching and learn something new that makes you feel empowered.
5. Set clear boundaries and rules
You have the right to set rules. I know that the word “rules” may sound overly authoritarian and reminiscent of old-school headmasters, but rules are basically parameters. Rules define what you will and will not do – and what others can and cannot do when around you. Without rules, life is chaos. Without rules, others can walk all over you without blinking an eye.
The best way to set clear rules (i.e. the basis of strong and healthy boundaries) is to pay attention to your feelings. If you struggle to identify how you feel, pay attention to your body. Does your stomach feel queasy when your colleague asks you to put in extra hours even though you promised to spend more time with the kids? If so, say no politely and draw a line. (And have a self-respecting plan B and C if your colleague persists.) Do you get an intense headache every time you talk to a certain person? If so, limit your contact with them.
Check out our article on setting personal boundaries for more guidance.
6. Don’t undersell yourself
If you struggle to identify the worth of your time, energy, creations or products, do some research. Research those in your field and look for a handful of people you admire. Have a conversation with them, follow them on social media or look at their website (if they have one).
How do these people you look up to market themselves? Identify similar services or products they offer and compare/contrast the differences. If you need an objective opinion, join an online group (you can find many on facebook) catering to your profession and ask for help. If you struggle with imposter syndrome (most people with low self-respect do) focus on doing some shadow work to help you explore the underlying core beliefs you have about yourself.
In terms of relationships, make a conscious effort to put your best foot forward. Look for the qualities you like the most in yourself and highlight those. Don’t undersell yourself by connecting with those who don’t fully resonate with you. Would you prefer to be happy with yourself, but be alone – or feel horrible about yourself and be in an unfulfilling relationship? Those who respect themselves prefer to wait until the right person comes along rather than throw themselves at anyone who looks their way. See yourself as worthy of a genuine soulmate.
Shadow Work Journal:
Go on a journey through the deepest and darkest corners of your psyche. Embrace your inner demons, uncover your hidden gifts, and reach the next level of your spiritual growth. This is deep and powerful work!
7. Practice self-care “religiously”
When I say religiously, I mean frequently and routinely each day. To practice self-care means to see your needs as worthy of paying attention to. In other words, self-care is a form of self-respect. Nurture your body, heart, mind, and spirit. Eat the right foods, get enough sleep, exercise, feed your mind with knowledge, and have a daily spiritual practice. By committing to self-care, you will naturally and automatically be increasing your levels of self-respect.Read more about self-care.
8. Be proud of who you are, not what you do
Self-respect means honoring how far you’ve come in life. It means embracing the essence of who you are. Please don’t confuse self-respect with what you do. Yes, you can be proud of your achievements, but your achievements don’t define you. If you let your successes define you, you will also let your failures define you – and that is no measure of healthy self-worth! To have stable self-respect, you need to love yourself from the inside out, not the outside in. Does that make sense?
***
As Aristotle tells us, “We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence is not an act but a habit.”
To truly make self-respect part of your very being, to reunite with the wolf within you that refuses to be trampled over, you need to practice repeatedly. With the above tried-and-tested tips, you have a map that you can refer back to on your journey towards self-empowerment.
I had 2 abusive relationships. The person I am with now also treats me like crap pretty much all the time. He has left me so many times but still I go back to him because I love him. It’s not only about relationships, it’s the same with few friends. While few of then bring out the best in me others make me feel that I’m useless. Only after visiting this page I came to know I’ve lost so much of my respect giving others what they want and I’m not going to let that happen anymore.
I can’t thank you enough for bringing this change in my life. ❤
same !
I first realized I needed self-respect, is now! I was watching an episode of the simple life and Nicole Richie went off at a man who called her dumb and she said “I’ve respect for myself “. But in the moment I was like what’s that ? I didn’t understand because I had never the experienced it myself so I googled it and found your page and am now understanding what it means! I am an 18 year old senior in highschool and last night my dad kept telling me how stupid I am and how’s he’s never met or seen a girl as stupid as me and it hurt but it wasn’t like it hadn’t happened any other time so I just took it in but cried in my room when I got home and was so fed up with getting disrespected. Now since I know what self-respect is I will use it and learn from it and not let people step all over me or let them talk to be in a degrading tone! But how do I say something back when my dad is talking to me like that?
I’m sorry you’re going through that Rani, parents can be very hurtful without fully realizing the depth of pain they’re creating. I think the greatest freedom comes through becoming aware that what others perceive in us and who we really are, are two very different people. A lot of people project onto us the idea they’ve created about who we are, but they don’t really see ‘us’, just that image they have of us in our head. That’s why we put so much emphasis on teaching about the ego which is essentially the image we have of ourselves, and the image we want to portray of ourselves to others.
If your living with your parents its hard to create healthy boundaries, I’d recommend finding a therapist/counselor to support you through the process. If that’s not possible, practice something like meditation which will help you react less in such situations and be able to ground yourself in knowing what your parents (or anyone) perceive of you is not who you really are.
i don’t I’ve ever known what it meant to have self respect for myself. It took me 24 years of my life to realize I’ve never been taught to have self respect for myself and that since adolescence, I’ve never been self-respecting of myself. I’ve realized today that I have a guilt complex and that I tend to dwell in the past alot even when good things are happening for me. I’ve been stressing to myself about the Shadow Work Journal you guys have in your shop and i’ve been trying to purchase it badly so I can begin my first steps to healing (I downloaded the free workbook you have but I REALLY want the shadow work journal but finances come and go a lot for me.)
I plan for 2020 to continue to learn more about myself and reclaiming my energy and improving self love, self forgiveness and dedicating the rest of this year to self worth and self respect. I have 1 2 year old son and a daughter on the way and I want to learn everything I can to begin passing it onto my seeds. I thank you and Aletheia so much for what you do for people here on your blog/website because you are literally changing the inner worlds of people globally.! <3
Thank you for this article. I have had some issues growing up using my throat charka and was always tore down for trying to speak up. I do have a hard time saying no and speaking up for myself and I beat myself up every time something occurs in my life and I do nothing.
Reading this article helped me to understand it’s okay to say “NO” and no it’s not selfish to love on me 100%. I will start saying no when needed and setting healthy boundaries today. Positive Vibes to you and your family!
This.Was.Beautiful.
I enjoy everthing that I read. Helps me a lot. And I’ll try to do what you taught me , about self respect. Thank you
I’m so glad to hear that Melly, thank you.
Hello Luna & Sol, I purchased your new book about twin flames & soul mates, as well as the journals and meditations. I did the first journal question last night (from the Singles journal) and it was really interesting. It helped me realise that I am single to be myself – because when I decide to start a relationship with someone, I lose all sense of boundaries and trust them more than I trust myself which … has been very harmful to say the least. It’s such a weird paradox: I want them to love who I am, but then I let them tell me who to be! Those 12 signs definitely resonate with me … I struggle standing up for myself and so often give in to others, especially to people who start yelling when I refuse to do what they demand of me, as I have low tolerance for being yelled at, and I can’t stand loud sounds … Anyways, just so say I’m enjoying reading your posts and am getting a lot out of your books & materials so thank you. PS – are you guys in Joondalup? Coz that’s where I am, lol!
Dear Eliza,
Thank you for sharing your experience with the twin flame/soul mates journal, I’m so happy it’s serving to explore and understand yourself better. It really is amazing to see how our way of relating to others serves to mirror our relationship with ourselves. This article explores an important aspect of self-love and how our sense of self worth determines how much of a people-pleaser with others.
Hehe small world. Technically we’re in Ocean Reef. Perhaps our paths will cross sometime :).
I turned 62 years old today. :)
Reading the list of 12 signs of no self respect described me succinctly for the first 25 yrs of my life. I have no idea why, and the idea that I could be anyone else or behave differently never crossed my mind. I accepted on a very deep level that I wished to be anyone but me. I have some theories “why” I was that way–trauma, early life events, blah blah. I was never told about self love or self respect. I was very introverted, to the point of being pathologically shy, and sometimes could not speak. Change was slow. I was in a very abusive marriage. Leaving that situation taught me a lot about self respect. My shyness was wiped away when I used substances. Recovery from addiction taught me about self love. Becoming a mother taught me about independence and self reliance. Chronic pain and illness have taught me to be vulnerable. I’m no longer pathologically shy. I love people until they give me a reason not to. I am currently looking at my methods of exposing in-authenticity in a way that invites change and honesty rather than defensiveness. It’s all about truly, honestly loving. I wonder if I am older than most members on this group. Age is a number, and age invites experience and wisdom, but not the only path to these wonderful attributes. I’m a new member and I love what I have seen on this website so far! I will always be growing and I appreciate the connection I hope to find here. ~~Shari Wolf
I love how you break down the lessons from each obstacle in your path, thank you for sharing Shari :)
I also am in the much older bracket,71, and have recently walked away from an emitionally abusive marriage, made worse by myself for staying and arguing back and turning into a negative person thatI did not like or recognise. My grown up family hated visiting because of the toxic atmosphere. I put my hand up I should have left 40 years ago. I didnt and the childhood of my children I now realise, was awful. I am now alone and trying to rediscover my self respect. I do have a major problem of not wanting to upset people and inthr words of someone I have the utmost love andrespect for I do need to get a backbone and learn to say no if that is what I feel.
Your words on what it is to be a people pleaser describe me to a T. Now I will read ,digest and hopefully put into practise how to get stronger. I dont feel sorry for myself I feel annoyed with my lack of ‘backbone’. THANK YOU FOR YOUR ARTICLE IT HAS OPENED MY EYES.
I know i needed self respect when everyone disrespected me because i have social anxiety
Ines,
Social anxiety was a real block to self respect for me, too. Now, I love people. Most the time I respect myself. I’m impressed you made the connection between social anxiety and being disrespected! That’s really cool! ~~Shari W.
Thank you for this article. It was exactly what I needed to read right now! I was born into an extremely toxic environment, with malignant narcissists as parents. I’m working on healing from their abuse (which is extremely difficult at times) and building myself up to be the best person I can be. I’m going to try these.
Will this also help with self-destructive behaviors as well?
You’re most welcome. It will help with self-destructive behaviors as they’re both rooted in the same place, a lack of self-worth.
Just what I needed to read, thank you! I was brought up in a culture that taught me to take care of everyone else first, very toxic codependency based on religion and ethnicity. This is the year I’m putting myself first, especially as my body—still healing from fibroids—is telling me to prioritize self care. Blessings!
That’s wonderful to hear, I’m inspired by your determination. Thank you Rita.
I found this article very enlightening. I was that person with no self respect or self worth. I was in a seven year relationship with an abusive narcissist who is also the father of my only child. He orchestrated a cage of sorts, manipulated the system into thinking I was somehow the problem and he was given full custody of our daughter. He then used the situation to hold me captive, fulfilling his every demand and still getting beaten.I couldn’t ask for help because of the situation he created. Finally in November, he spent six days kicking me in the face with steel toed boots. I was going to die if I didn’t get help.He had taken my phone so I went to our upstairs neighbor and called my mother, who immediately took me to the hospital. Following an Mir, they sent me by ambulance to the bigger hospital nearly an hour away.My brain was bleeding, I have a nose so shattered they won’t try to fix it, and four broken ribs. I spent five days on the trauma ward of the hospital. I’ve since gotten a of a, I not only pressed charges, I pushed law enforcement to increase the severity as they initially charged him with a pitiful simple assault. They increased the charges to aggravated assault on and two…felonies. I know he has been out on bail for several months but I have no need or desire to speak to him. I have some pretty severe brain damage and start a concussion clinic at the end of the month to help direct the treatment. Most importantly, I now maintain a sense of self respect and take time out to care for myself. I am working to get an apartment and get some sort of custody of my little girl.Self care is vital to a productive existence. Valuing yourself is essential to recognize when you are being manipulated, used, or abused. If and when you realize what is happening, get out immediately and don’t look back. My intelligence is all I really have and he diminished that more than I can explain. When they say get out the first time you are hit, pay attention. It may get quiet. ..in between beatings but that certainly doesn’t mean that the abuser is getting better or changing. In fact the violence got more and more extreme. It nearly always does. Don’t wait like me. Stand up. Walk away. That is how you will survive.
Thank you Tracy for sharing what sounds like a harrowing experience, I deeply respect and admire your courage and strength to go through that and want to provide advice for others who may be in the same situation. It’s an honor to share this journey with you.
Tracy,
You are so strong and amazing! First off, I am so sorry you have to endure this. You don’t deserve to be treated this way. It’s inspirational to read your post and keep going.
I can relate to you a lot, but mine are my parents. I’m trying to get away from them and they are still trying to control me through manipulating the laws, even though I moved out, got restraining orders, no contact, and am 25. I was born into this situation and am getting help for my conditions. It’s so frustrating and draining.
You are absolutely correct about self-care being essential. I struggle with this, but I am not going to give up because I know that it will get better for us both.
Accurate and supportive article. Born and raised by generational pedophile, malignant narcissist females based around religion, as their primary scapegoat I had zero “rights” to any self, respect, care, or identity. Life was a dead end and nothing but pain, confusion and fear of that which I could not accurately see or name: family. Over three years 100% no contact with all of them, I finally have clarity and self. I sacrifice nothing. I gain everything that is for me. This is LIFE. And the horror I escaped, people have no idea exists behind closed doors, carried by people who are unaware their families are literally murdering them slowly. Ignorance, denial both saves and kills.
You’re a fighter and an inspiration, thank you for sharing Ananda.
Great Article! Thanks for sharing this. We really need self respect. We need to respect others especially ourselves. And doing these tips are such a big help. Self respect will help build up self esteem. And it will to self love.