What is Abandonment Trauma? Causes, Symptoms & How to Heal

Feeling left out, forgotten, ignored, and cast to the side is something most of us have experienced at least once in life.

But what happens when the feeling of being abandoned forms the very foundation of our existence?

What happens when no matter what we do, where we go, who we befriend or romance, we still feel that deep gnawing ache of dread that tells us that someday, somehow, we will be abandoned? 

Abandonment trauma is one of the most painful, debilitating, and tormenting wounds to carry within us.

Not only does it eat us away from the inside out, but it can also cripple and sometimes destroy the relationships we hold dearest to us.

On the spiritual awakening journey, learning to face, explore, and heal these wounds are of paramount importance – they often compose a central part of the inner work that we do (comprising self-love, inner child work, and shadow work).

One of the reasons many of us find ourselves adopting the path of the lone wolf and spiritual wanderer in the first place is precisely due to the fact that we have been chronically abandoned in the past.

These feelings of being abandoned can lead to a disturbing inner sense of homelessness that can pervade our entire lives, often resulting in a Dark Night of the Soul and other inner crises.

In this article, I’m going to pick apart the nature of abandonment trauma and explore how you can find healing and rediscover the wholeness of your core Self from a psychospiritual perspective.

What is Abandonment Trauma? 

Abandonment trauma is a deep inner psychological, emotional, and spiritual wound that is created when we experience some form of severe abandonment, typically starting in our childhood.

Abandonment can be physical, emotional, or mental (and sometimes a combination of all three). 

Examples of abandonment that can create this wound include:

• having a parent/caretaker die or leave, 
• being a child of divorce,
• being a foster or adopted child,
• being the child of an alcoholic or drug addict, 
• being the child of someone with a personality disorder such as narcissism or antisocial personality disorder,
• being the child of someone dealing with chronic mental or physical health issues,
• being an unwanted child,
• being a child living within a large family that couldn’t provide adequate physical, mental, or emotional nurturance,
• being a child raised in a physically, emotionally, mentally, or spiritually abusive environment.

There is a spectrum of abandonment trauma, with some people experiencing it more intensely or persistently than others.

How Abandonment Trauma Happens

Being abandoned as a child can happen in a multitude of ways as I explored above. 

We can have an irresponsible and immature parent who takes off and leaves us behind. We can be the child of a drunk or a narcissistic abuser. 

We can even experience abandonment with certain unspoken rules like “children should be seen and not heard” or “my needs are more important than yours.”

Overall, abandonment trauma happens when we don’t get our basic needs for mental, emotional, or physical security met as a child.

Psychiatrist M. Scott Peck says it well in his book The Road Less Travelled where he explores how childhood abandonment leads to being an insecure adult:

There are some parents, for instance, with their desire to enforce discipline as easily and quickly as possible, will actually use the threat of abandonment, overtly or subtly, to achieve this end. The message they give to their children is: “If you don’t do exactly what I want you to do I won’t love you anymore, and you can figure out for yourself what that might mean.” It means, of course, abandonment and death. These parents sacrifice love in their need for control and domination over their children, and their reward is children who are excessively fearful of the future. So it is that these children, abandoned either psychologically or in actuality, enter adulthood lacking any deep sense that the world is a safe and protective place.

As we can see, insecurity is at the heart of the abandonment wound within us. 

When we’re raised to feel unseen, unlovable, or unworthy in some chronic persistent way, the result is not just a growing sense of insecurity within us, but also a profound sense of shame. 

Abandonment, Toxic Shame, and the False Idealization of Our Parents

Toxic shame is perhaps one of the most heinous poisons that can exist within the heart and mind, and yet it’s often deeply hidden and repressed within us.

Toxic shame says “I didn’t just do that wrong, I AM wrong” and “I didn’t just behave embarrassingly, I AM an embarrassment” – it is an illness of the mind and a mental illness in the truest sense of the term.

This shadow within us is at the very root of our sense of chronic unworthiness and low self-worth.

While there is healthy shame which we need in order to know when we’ve done something harmful to correct our behavior (i.e., when our actions misalign with our values), toxic shame is totally different.

In my article on toxic shame, I write what I believe is a simple and direct explanation of this experience, “Toxic shame is the internalized and buried shame that rots within us.”

So how does this toxic shame begin?

Well, it begins within those of us who experienced abandonment trauma of some kind, and had to falsely idealize our parents and internalize their shame-based narratives so that we could survive.

As one of my favorite mental and emotional health educators, John Bradshaw writes,

The magical part of the child’s thinking deifies the parents. They are gods, all-powerful, almighty and all-protecting. No harm can come to the child as long as he has parents.

This magical idealization serves to protect the child from the terrors of the night, which are about abandonment and to the child, death. The protective deification of the parents, this magical idealization, also creates a potential for a shame-binding predicament for the child.

For example, if the parents are abusive and hurt the child through physical, sexual, emotional or mental pain, the child will assume the blame, make himself bad, in order to keep the all-powerful protection against the terrors of the night. For a child at this stage to realize the inadequacies of parents would produce unbearable anxiety.

In other words, to truly realize how flawed and, in some cases, deeply mentally sick our parents were as young children would have been too much to bear. Abandonment, on an unconscious level as a child, equals, quite literally, death.

So as a way to protect ourselves against the terror of these primal fears, especially being so young and vulnerable, we had to internalize the shame-based messages we were sent.

Instead of seeing the harmful behavior from our parents as what it truly was – their fault and their lack of responsibility and empathy – we turned the blame, shame, and hate on ourselves. 

Rather than seeing that “they did something bad to me,” the child sees it as “I am bad.”

Stop to pause for a moment. Can you sense the reality of this tragically sad false narrative within you?

9 Signs You May Be Dealing With Abandonment Trauma

Being abandoned – whether physically, emotionally, or mentally – by our primary caretakers as children leaves deep cuts in the psyche.

Here are some signs you may be dealing with abandonment trauma as an adult:

1. You experienced some form of ongoing neglect and abuse as a child
2. You suffer from toxic shame (“I am bad, worthless, unlovable”)
3. You’re a people-pleaser who’s always trying to win the affection/approval of others
4. You have either overly rigid or porous boundaries with others
5. You feel/behave in an excessively needy way in relationships, wanting the other to meet all your needs all the time (as if they were your surrogate parents)
6. You have an anxious, avoidant, or disorganized attachment style in relationships (as opposed to a secure attachment style)
7. You’re hypervigilant to signs that others or your loved ones dislike you
8. You tolerate toxic behaviors from others instead of leaving or creating distance
9. You’re deeply afraid of being abandoned, so you will either hold on too tightly to others or abandon them before they can abandon you

How many of these signs can you relate to?

You can also take our free emotional trauma test to explore this further.

3 Ways to Heal & Find Wholeness From Abandonment Trauma

Feeling abandoned is something I’m familiar with. 

Although both of my parents physically stuck around, from as early as I can remember I felt emotionally, mentally, and spiritually abandoned and alone. 

Having a strict fundamentalist Christian upbringing (that also involved occasional “spare the rod spoil the child” physical abuse), caused me to become an anxious hypervigilant people-pleaser, with deep shame at the core of my being.

While most of our parents were just doing the best they could with the level of maturity and knowledge they had at the time, often their unresolved abandonment wounds are passed on to their children.

Working through this deep feeling of insecurity and shame within us caused by abandonment is, however, possible.

We can find more inner security, groundedness, and wholeness – something we develop in the warrior stage of the spiritual wanderer’s awakening journey. 

Here are some ways to find that inner healing:

1. Meet and befriend your Protective Soldier part

We all have a Protective Soldier part within us whose main role is to keep us small, quiet, safe, conforming, and agreeable. (By the way, if this name doesn’t resonate with you, you can always call this part something else like “the Protector” or “the Guardian.”)

This part initially emerged within us as a shielding force when we experienced abandonment as children, and they are often the earliest guardians and protectors of our psyches.

We need to meet and befriend this part of ourselves so that we can both be free of its constricting energy and also find more inner wholeness.

To do this, I recommend journaling about this part of you. What does your Protective Soldier look like, sound like, and how do they try to protect you in everyday life?

When did you first notice their appearance in your life? How does your body feel when this part has taken over?

Next, like any hero, make a habit of noticing this part of you and thank them for their service. Express your gratitude to them for helping you all these years.

If it’s safe, and if you aren’t part of a dysfunctional family system that requires you to psychologically fend for yourself (as is the case of young adults living at home or older adults caring for their dysfunctional parents), remind your Protective Soldier over and over that the danger has passed. Let them know that they can finally let go, and you, as a caring and mature adult, can take over now.

If you do find yourself in an unsafe environment, the Protective Soldier part will still be needed to an extent, and will be unwilling to let go. In this case, you’ll need to find psychological support, such as a therapist, who can help you to develop inner and outer coping skills.

2. Understand your attachment style and find balance

Other than secure attachment, which is what we would have ideally developed growing up, those who suffer from abandonment trauma typically develop one of three attachment styles:

• Anxious Attachment – characterized by neediness, lack of boundaries, and people-pleasing tendencies
• Avoidant Attachment – characterized by fear of closeness, emotional coldness and distance, and overly independent tendencies
• Disorganized Attachment – characterized by unstable moods, dissociation, and desiring closeness but fearing it 

Of course, my breakdown of each dysfunctional attachment style is very brief, so you’ll need to do your own research to get the intricacies and nuances.

However, once you determine what your attachment style is, you can find a bit more inner direction and balance. 

For instance, if you have an anxious attachment style, you can work at developing more clear boundaries and self-esteem. 

If you have avoidant attachment tendencies, you can explore how to be intimate and vulnerable in safe containers with others or learn how to express your emotions. 

Or if you have disorganized attachment, you can work on emotional regulation and staying grounded.

3. Connect with your heart and re-parent yourself

I love this poem by spiritual author Jeff Foster, who writes:

If abandonment is the core wound

the disconnection from mother

the loss of wholeness

then the most potent medicine

is this ancient commitment

to never abandon

Yourself

to discover wholeness in the whole-mess

to be a loving mother

to your insides

to hold the broken bits

in warm open awareness

and to illuminate the sore places

with the light

of love.

The heart is the doorway to the Soul, our deeper True Self, and so to find that sense of wholeness, we need to connect with our hearts through the power of self-compassion.

Re-parenting ourselves, that is, being kind and loving mothers, fathers, and parents to ourselves, is one of the most deep and powerful methods I know of to heal the abandonment wound.

To re-parent yourself, you need to develop a strong foundation of self-love, which will allow you to then have the inner safety, openness, and space to connect with your hurt inner child.

I have written guides on how to love yourself and working with the inner child which you can take a look at.

However, I highly recommend that if you need more guided support that can help you to proactively go deep, please check out my Inner Work Journal Bundle (composed of the Self-Love Journal, Inner Child Journal, and the Shadow Work Journal), which can powerfully support you on your re-parenting journey.

Find a Home Within Yourself

Abandonment trauma is an affliction that impacts more people than I believe are aware.

When we are discarded, deserted, or rejected whether physically, emotionally, or mentally as children, the message we’re sent is that we’re “unlovable” and “unworthy,” which creates profound inner wounds that ripple into our adult lives. 

The essence of healing this pain is self-compassion.

We need to vow to no longer abandon ourselves through self-hatred and self-abuse, but instead to reconnect with the warm and wise parent within us who can help us to feel more secure and at peace.

In other words, we need to find a home within ourselves, within our own hearts.

I hope this article has been of help and support to you. Please know you’re not alone if you do struggle with this, and I welcome you to share any experiences you’ve had with this topic in the comments below. You never know who might feel comforted by mirroring your own thoughts and feelings.