There is a very fine line between having a protective lover and a possessive lover …
And yet many of us don’t know the difference. What separates innocent possessiveness (as seen in the first few insecure stages of love) with aggressive possessiveness? At what point do we say “enough is enough”?
When left unexplored and unresolved, possessive relationships can amount to feelings of profound unhappiness, anxiety, anger, and even physical or emotional abuse.
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At first, it can seem adorable and even flattering to be on the receiving end of your partner’s intense love and devotion, but after a while it becomes smothering and even dangerous.
12 Major Signs You Have a Possessive Boyfriend / Girlfriend / Partner
Is your relationship healthy and supportive of your well-being, or unhealthy and destructive to your health and happiness? Although it can be hard to admit that you have a possessive boyfriend, girlfriend or partner, it is worth getting real about your relationship for your OWN inner peace of mind. After all, you have to live with your decisions for the rest of your life.
Here are some red flags that you should look out for:
1. You must appease their wishes all the time.
Essentially, if you don’t comply with, abide by, or fulfill what your partner asks of you, there is hell to pay in the form of nagging, demanding, threatening, and/or emotional blackmailing.
2. They control where you go, when, and why.
Whenever you want to go out, meet up with a friend or family member, or even do shopping, your partner breathes down your neck, wanting to micromanage every place you go to any person you see. Often they will discourage prolonged periods of going out and try to keep you confined to the house, typically in menacing or manipulative ways.
3. They stalk you.
Your partner keeps an eye on every little thing you do to the point of stalking you. This might include logging in to your social media accounts and checking your private messages, reading through your emails or text messages, checking your internet browser history, showing up unexpectedly while you’re out of the house, and so forth.
4. They are needy and clingy.
One key sign of a possessive boyfriend, girlfriend or partner is their tendency to remind you that “you are the center of their world” so much so that they need no other friends or social connections because they have you. While this is not always a sign of neediness or possessiveness, it is when they display anger or resentment towards your other friends, colleagues or family members.
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5. They try to sabotage your friendships.
A deep and dark kind of jealousy seems to boil under the surface of your partner’s façade as they try to dissuade you from spending time with your friends, colleagues or family members. They might criticize, character-dissect, bring up old issues you’ve experienced, or even fabricate lies about those you want to spend time with, sometimes even turning you against those you care about.
6. They don’t respect your personal boundaries.
In a possessive relationship, personal space is rarely a concept that is valued. If you have a possessive boyfriend, girlfriend or partner, chances are they will impose themselves too much on your need to have time, space and objects that are exclusively “yours.”
7. They get extremely jealous and paranoid of “other women/men.”
If you talk to a man or woman, they want to know why. If you get a phone call from someone else, they want to know why. If you get a friend request from someone at work, they want to know why. If you get an email from-so-and-so, they want to know why. And god forbid that you honestly reveal any kind of attraction you have to another person! This might spell severe guilt-tripping, emotional punishment, or even violence.
8. They control what you wear.
Going out? Better make sure that you get approval from your partner! The possessive boyfriend, girlfriend or lover will always openly assess what you’re wearing to ensure that it is “appropriate” and to their standards.
9. They constantly message you when you’re out.
For some reason, your partner always seems to “check up” on you when you are out, sending you more texts and calls than usual.
10. They want to be involved in all of your decision-making.
Every decision you make – your partner wants to be there. Period. Often you will even feel pressured to do what they want to do, even if the decision has nothing to do with them.
11. They are emotionally or psychologically manipulative.
Your possessive boyfriend / girlfriend / partner has a way of diminishing your self-confidence. They might be emotionally abusive, gaslight you and make you feel as though you don’t truly know what is best for you.
12. They say that “it’s all just love.”
All of their jealousy, all of their paranoia, all of their controlling behavior … “it’s all just love.” Your partner justifies his/her toxic behavior by pulling the “love card” on you, thus paving an easy escape route to avoid responsibility and blame. In fact, you might have bought into the “love” excuse yourself, continuing to justify your partner’s destructive behavior because you are unconsciously too scared to face reality.
How to Handle Controlling Behavior
Possessiveness and any kind of controlling behavior in relationships is a clear sign of insecurity. And where does this insecurity come from? From the fear of abandonment, rejection and powerlessness. If your partner is possessive, it is very likely that they have a great lack of self-love and self-confidence, and this is because deep down, they feel that they “need you” in order to be happy, safe, secure, and successful.
Here is how I recommend dealing with possessiveness in relationships:
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- Re-establish your self-confidence and self-respect which might have been crushed or depleted in your relationship. For instance, explore self-assertiveness, how to love and take care of yourself, and if you are quiet by nature, learn how to rediscover your voice.
- Set aside an appropriate (not busy) time to talk with your partner. Open the conversation by letting them know how and why you appreciate them, and then merge into the problems you are facing with their behavior. Always talk in terms of “their behavior” not “them” as this removes unnecessary finger-pointing negativity.
- Provide specific examples of what behavior is disturbing or upsetting you, and what you would like to change.
- Be aware that your partner might get very offended, angry, dismissive, or upset. Prepare yourself for this beforehand to ensure that you keep your cool. It is vital that you keep your cool at all costs.
- Be very clear about what you want to change in the relationship, e.g. you want more equality in decision making, you would like them to stop speaking harshly about your family, etc.
- Remember, if you emotionally react (with anger, tears, shouting) the conversation is over as all valuable communication ceases once egos get involved.
- If they agree to change, help them out by drawing attention to any possessive behavior in the future and setting “time out” periods where you sit together and talk about the progress being made.
- Be patient. Possessiveness can’t be cured overnight.
- Give an ultimatum (if necessary).
If you can’t carry out these recommendations (e.g. due to domestic abuse, cultural expectations, egotism, etc.) it is best to consider ending the relationship, and build a support network for yourself.
Is Your Lover Protective or Possessive?
Being in a smothering relationship can be really hard and stressful. Remove some of that stress and burden by sharing your problems and proposed solutions below. And if you have any advice … please feel free to lend a helping hand!
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as a person who is very exclusive and is only attracted to one person (one i’m in love with or one i could be in love with) it’s very painful if my partner would be attracted to someone else. i understand partnerships where it works, but if i am the type of person who only is attracted to one person, this is something i also crave and i deserve. and this would be painful for me since i feel like i don’t get the same energy i give back. so i don’t see myself being in a relationship with someone who can be attracted to others just because. i do understand tho if it happens bc of some kind of crisis or bc they felt that their needs were not being met and after working out it just comes back to just you and me. but otherwise i don’t feel like settling to smth else. i just immediately feel very ick when someone i exchange my sexual energy with sees other people in a sexual way too. it feels just not right to give access to my sexual energy to someone who will look for it somewhere else too. esp if i’m only sharing it with this one person and don’t see it in others. but ofc feeling someone about how you feel and them being toxic cuz they feel hurt is never fair.
I think there’s a lot written out there on how to deal with a possessive partner in a relationship, and less written about how if you’re the possessive one, what you’re supposed to do. Perhaps this is because generally, most controlled partners are women and most possessive partners are men, so every framing of the conversation is focused on what women or any victim of any gender can do to defend against men or the possessive partner, instead of what the man or possessive partner could do to work on himself. I’m not saying there is anything wrong with looking up assertiveness training, domestic abuse psychology, looking up the signs of narcissists, self-defense documentaries, buying self-defense items legal in your area, etc. but this tend to put on an unequal weight of effort on the victim to do much of the changing, not the perpetrator. I’m not saying all possessive types are too far gone to be changed, some have milder to moderate issues around this that still have a chance to be worked on, but the person with this issues should take more of the responsibility to research, seek help, and focus on their inner work to examine their possessive and jealous issues as well. It might be simple to start with by looking up things like, “What to do if you feel envy,” “How to deal with jealousy,” “Envy journal prompts,” “How to stop being so jealous,” and “How to be less possessive,” on the internet.
That ain’t healthy relationship. All of us should learn and wanting to learn more in life. Live life to the fullest. But then to those who were homebuddy.. That wasn’t really an issue at all. For maybe mutual reasons is quite enough for both parties to understand it. That’s no longer an issue.
Possessiveness is not just about controlling someone to stay inside a house. Even if they choose to stay at home a lot, there are other large and small details within the house where your behavior is being controlled even then. Things like what you wear, what you eat, what activities you do at home, how many chores you do, what you’re allowed to talk back to them, or other things. You’re oversimplifying what possessive means to think it all comes down to not letting someone else go outside, and besides, there are ways of communicating with other people who is not your partner inside these days, such as with the internet, phones, and the like, which may not be allowed either in these cases. Besides, even if they do stay alone at home often, that’s different from wanting to stay at home ALL the time, which is an extreme that most people do not like either, which would generally make it some kind of prison.
I have definitely been with several possessive people, not allowed to have male friends, dress certain ways, et cetera. However I am also realizing that I have learned some of these tendencies as well, and I felt very insecure in my relationships because they were toxic so in turn those insecure traits were accentuated in me. I am wondering if this is because I am possessive or if it is because I have chosen people who are unhealthy for me (especially those in addiction) and maybe if I have been with someone who was healthier, I would have felt more secure ? Are these traits relevant when to me when I was being abused ? Because on the one hand it would make sense to feel insecure and then want to start “controlling” their addictions and whether they tell me the truth or not, and so on; but if I do have a problem with being possessive I want to be able to acknowledge it as well…any insight is welcomed :)
Well, generally, possessive people might attract other possessive people sometimes. Such is the law of attraction. You attract what you are. Also I doubt if you find someone less possessive, you will become less possessive. It doesn’t work that way. Someone who doesn’t have your flaws doesn’t erase them in yourself. A partner is not a therapist who solves all your emotional problems, after all.
My husband has always been very insecure and jealous to the point he feels very resentful of anything I do outside of him. This includes my animal rescue and volunteer work, socializing with friends or family, and basically just doing anything that makes me happy and brings me joy or peace. He has reacted by tearing me down over the years, gaslighting me, being insensitive to my feelings, manipulating me, stalking me, blaming, ridiculing, using passive aggressive tactics like becoming a martyr, being emotionally abusive, projecting, and basically making me into a person I hated and despised. I’ve been self-hating and blaming myself for years, thinking that I was a horrible person who brought this on myself and deserved it. He made me think everything was my fault and that I was the problem in our relationship because I was “unstable” and “crazy.” I have been going through a profound spiritual awakening that has shown me I am loved and am not this person. He currently thinks I’m once again losing my mind and is not at all supportive or interested in what I have been going through. We have a daughter together and I don’t want to destroy our family, but I feel trapped and like nothing will ever change. This is affecting my spiritual process and bringing much uninvited negative energy into my life on a regular basis and I’m not sure where to go from here. I feel lost and confused and wish I could just find answers.
your spiritual awakening has given you the clarity to see things how they really are. now that you can see, internal conflict arises when our actions do not align with what we know is necessary. it is okay to be lost and confused, sometimes the answer is present inside of you, other times we don’t really need an answer. the negative energy is a form of motivation, its a symptom and a valuable signal, not the problem, try not to get caught up fighting/resisting the negative it will pop back up in any number of ways. you care for your daughter, you care for your freedom, when you are ready you will do what is necessary to arrange your external situation to reflect the peace you feel internally. love & blessings
My question is how do you make someone realize they are jealous possessive and controlling, when they claim that they are not. Any advice would be great!
Video them or voice record them.