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    » Home » Starting The Journey

    12 Signs You Have a Possessive Boyfriend, Girlfriend or Partner (and What to Do)

    Reading time: 5 mins

    by Aletheia Luna · Feb 19, 2021 · 68 Comments

    Image of a tied-up woman in a possessive relationship

    There is a very fine line between having a protective lover and a possessive lover …

    And yet many of us don’t know the difference. What separates innocent possessiveness (as seen in the first few insecure stages of love) with aggressive possessiveness? At what point do we say “enough is enough”?

    When left unexplored and unresolved, possessive relationships can amount to feelings of profound unhappiness, anxiety, anger, and even physical or emotional abuse.

    Self-Love Journal image

    At first, it can seem adorable and even flattering to be on the receiving end of your partner’s intense love and devotion, but after a while it becomes smothering and even dangerous.

    12 Major Signs You Have a Possessive Boyfriend / Girlfriend / Partner

    Is your relationship healthy and supportive of your well-being, or unhealthy and destructive to your health and happiness? Although it can be hard to admit that you have a possessive boyfriend, girlfriend or partner, it is worth getting real about your relationship for your OWN inner peace of mind. After all, you have to live with your decisions for the rest of your life.

    Here are some red flags that you should look out for:

    1. You must appease their wishes all the time.

    Essentially, if you don’t comply with, abide by, or fulfill what your partner asks of you, there is hell to pay in the form of nagging, demanding, threatening, and/or emotional blackmailing.

    2. They control where you go, when, and why.

    Whenever you want to go out, meet up with a friend or family member, or even do shopping, your partner breathes down your neck, wanting to micromanage every place you go to any person you see. Often they will discourage prolonged periods of going out and try to keep you confined to the house, typically in menacing or manipulative ways.

    3. They stalk you.

    Your partner keeps an eye on every little thing you do to the point of stalking you. This might include logging in to your social media accounts and checking your private messages, reading through your emails or text messages, checking your internet browser history, showing up unexpectedly while you’re out of the house, and so forth.

    4. They are needy and clingy.

    One key sign of a possessive boyfriend, girlfriend or partner is their tendency to remind you that “you are the center of their world” so much so that they need no other friends or social connections because they have you. While this is not always a sign of neediness or possessiveness, it is when they display anger or resentment towards your other friends, colleagues or family members.

    5. They try to sabotage your friendships.

    A deep and dark kind of jealousy seems to boil under the surface of your partner’s façade as they try to dissuade you from spending time with your friends, colleagues or family members. They might criticize, character-dissect, bring up old issues you’ve experienced, or even fabricate lies about those you want to spend time with, sometimes even turning you against those you care about.

    6. They don’t respect your personal boundaries.

    In a possessive relationship, personal space is rarely a concept that is valued. If you have a possessive boyfriend, girlfriend or partner, chances are they will impose themselves too much on your need to have time, space and objects that are exclusively “yours.”

    7. They get extremely jealous and paranoid of “other women/men.”

    If you talk to a man or woman, they want to know why. If you get a phone call from someone else, they want to know why. If you get a friend request from someone at work, they want to know why. If you get an email from-so-and-so, they want to know why. And god forbid that you honestly reveal any kind of attraction you have to another person! This might spell severe guilt-tripping, emotional punishment, or even violence.

    8. They control what you wear.

    Going out? Better make sure that you get approval from your partner! The possessive boyfriend, girlfriend or lover will always openly assess what you’re wearing to ensure that it is “appropriate” and to their standards.

    9. They constantly message you when you’re out.

    For some reason, your partner always seems to “check up” on you when you are out, sending you more texts and calls than usual.

    10. They want to be involved in all of your decision-making.

    Every decision you make – your partner wants to be there. Period. Often you will even feel pressured to do what they want to do, even if the decision has nothing to do with them.

    11. They are emotionally or psychologically manipulative.

    Your possessive boyfriend / girlfriend / partner has a way of diminishing your self-confidence. They might be emotionally abusive, gaslight you and make you feel as though you don’t truly know what is best for you.


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    12. They say that “it’s all just love.”

    All of their jealousy, all of their paranoia, all of their controlling behavior … “it’s all just love.” Your partner justifies his/her toxic behavior by pulling the “love card” on you, thus paving an easy escape route to avoid responsibility and blame. In fact, you might have bought into the “love” excuse yourself, continuing to justify your partner’s destructive behavior because you are unconsciously too scared to face reality.

    How to Handle Controlling Behavior

    Possessiveness and any kind of controlling behavior in relationships is a clear sign of insecurity. And where does this insecurity come from? From the fear of abandonment, rejection and powerlessness. If your partner is possessive, it is very likely that they have a great lack of self-love and self-confidence, and this is because deep down, they feel that they “need you” in order to be happy, safe, secure, and successful.

    Here is how I recommend dealing with possessiveness in relationships:

    • Re-establish your self-confidence and self-respect which might have been crushed or depleted in your relationship. For instance, explore self-assertiveness, how to love and take care of yourself, and if you are quiet by nature, learn how to rediscover your voice.
    • Set aside an appropriate (not busy) time to talk with your partner. Open the conversation by letting them know how and why you appreciate them, and then merge into the problems you are facing with their behavior. Always talk in terms of “their behavior” not “them” as this removes unnecessary finger-pointing negativity.
    • Provide specific examples of what behavior is disturbing or upsetting you, and what you would like to change.
    • Be aware that your partner might get very offended, angry, dismissive, or upset. Prepare yourself for this beforehand to ensure that you keep your cool. It is vital that you keep your cool at all costs.
    • Be very clear about what you want to change in the relationship, e.g. you want more equality in decision making, you would like them to stop speaking harshly about your family, etc.
    • Remember, if you emotionally react (with anger, tears, shouting) the conversation is over as all valuable communication ceases once egos get involved.
    • If they agree to change, help them out by drawing attention to any possessive behavior in the future and setting “time out” periods where you sit together and talk about the progress being made.
    • Be patient. Possessiveness can’t be cured overnight.
    • Give an ultimatum (if necessary).

    If you can’t carry out these recommendations (e.g. due to domestic abuse, cultural expectations, egotism, etc.) it is best to consider ending the relationship, and build a support network for yourself.

    Is Your Lover Protective or Possessive?

    Being in a smothering relationship can be really hard and stressful. Remove some of that stress and burden by sharing your problems and proposed solutions below. And if you have any advice … please feel free to lend a helping hand!

    12 Signs You Have a Possessive Boyfriend, Girlfriend or Partner (and What to Do)
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    About Aletheia Luna

    Aletheia Luna is a prolific psychospiritual writer, author, and spiritual mentor whose work has touched the lives of millions worldwide. As a survivor of fundamentalist religious abuse, her mission is to help others find love, strength, and inner light in even the darkest places. She is the author of hundreds of popular articles, as well as numerous books and journals on the topics of Self-Love, Spiritual Awakening, and more. [Read More]

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    Reader Interactions

    (68) Comments

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    1. isabel

      March 02, 2022 at 10:12 pm

      i have a boyfriend. i dont know if she love me or not. when i share what i do. like i always say what ever i do. to see what should he say to me. but sad nothing response like i am ivisible to him like i am not his girlfriend. and when i am upset to him that why is he like that he doesn’t even comfort me or doesn’t even ask if i am okay. if i eat. just like nothing. i feel like he doesn’t even care for me. like he doesn’t even feel the love the care that i showed and give to him. i dont know i dont understand him. he just always talk whats going on him and i always comfort him. can you give me some advice?

      Reply
    2. vinodh kumar

      June 08, 2021 at 7:22 pm

      I Liked Your Introduction To This Issue. I Like To Know More About These Issues.

      Reply
      • Asha

        August 21, 2021 at 1:15 am

        Just venting and needing advice, I’m in a relationship with a male and he seen in the beginning I had dreams and potential, he had ideas on being successful I did. After shacking up, he has children he’s told me about in which he thought me staying home and him making all the $ would be a great idea when I had no idea on how to handle 6+ kids at once, I communicated that to him, he offered compassion but throughout the situation his compassion stopped, now I feel like I’m working just for him to play with money we both are making and building towards his dreams, sometimes I get lost and intrigued in it because he is very happy that I’m doing what he wants I promise way too much, I’m looking for help and how I can just be in an interdependent relationship and not so codependent

        Reply
    3. Mimi

      March 06, 2021 at 1:34 pm

      Some really great points, the end of number 7 throws me off though. There really should not be any type of attraction towards another person, and if there is cut that person off immediately before it grows into something more.

      Reply
    4. Teekay

      December 29, 2020 at 5:36 pm

      This is wrong on so many levels. How’s number 7 normal ? How’s it normal to feel attracted to other people if you’re already with someone ? Might as well normalize cheating.

      Also, introverts don’t need other people than their partners, and I’ve never been sold on opposite sex friendships. They’re ok when you’re single, but drop them as you get serious with someone, unless you want to lose that someone to resentment.
      Number 10 is also TOTALLY normal, if you feel otherwise, seek help.

      Reply
    5. Js

      October 10, 2020 at 7:04 pm

      Thx. Its very helpful

      Reply
      • vinodh kumar

        June 08, 2021 at 7:23 pm

        Yes

        Reply
    6. Quantum Leap

      May 03, 2020 at 8:55 pm

      This is just nonsense. There is no difference between “their behaviour” and “them”; they are identical; it’s all in the brain’s neural networks. Where is the person who allegedly is not his/her behaviour supposed to be?

      Reply
    7. Jack

      April 05, 2020 at 5:46 pm

      The idea of getting your partner to “change“ is unrealistic. It’s extremely rare that a person is able to permanently change their behavior. If they do seem to change, it’s most likely temporary, in the hope they can convince you not to leave them.

      The best advice is to break off the relationship and not look back. Don’t allow yourself feel guilty for putting your own needs first. Just let it go, and learn from the experience.

      Reply
    8. Jack

      March 31, 2020 at 8:20 am

      I’m in a situation where I feel like I’m doing these traits and I’d like to get help. I don’t know where to start and I’d take any advice I can get.
      It’s affected me and my relationships obviously and my sporting mentality so much that it needs to change not tomorrow or in the future but now.
      Thanks Jack.

      Reply
    9. Alice

      February 07, 2020 at 6:12 pm

      I am in a situation I can only describe as weird and I think I just need to vent. I married a very controlling and possessive man. Everything I do was wrong and he made it feel like I should just stay at home and be at his beck and call. Well, the relationship has run its course, but, like a fool, I wandered into another controlling and possessive man. I find my life situation perplexing since I consider myself well educated with a prestigious career. My B.S. was in psychology and one of my graduate degrees is in behavioral science so I thought I should know better.

      To sum it up with the new one, he’s younger, has no career, is uneducated, lives at home with his parents and doesn’t even drive. Yes, he’s in his 20’s and I’m in my late 20’s, so he’s not a child, but he acts like one. He’s already alienated my family and friends in his attempts to isolate me from them. He disapproves of everyone I meet, especially if they’re male. He insists on knowing who I talk to and what they said. He only wants me to do activities with him and no one else. I’m very athletic and train with a lot of people and he’s a couch potato, but he insists that I train only with him in spite of the fact that he gets winded running a block. He just blocked me from attending a running clinic because guys would also be attending. I consider myself attractive and he goes insane with jealousy if a man looks at me or talks to me. He sends me hundreds of texts per day and also becomes unstable if he thinks I’m ignoring him. He’s threatened to hurt himself if I leave, which I don’t want. He also has $50 to his name and I’m fairly well to do, which means that he’s the ultimate financial burden. As a pilot, I travel frequently and he’s always a mess when I return. He’s also the worst kind of drunk. Not violent, but obnoxious and hyper sexual. I know what I have to do, but I just wanted to vent and I don’t want him to hurt himself. Score another one for the girl who has no luck with men.

      Reply
      • Tim

        February 16, 2020 at 12:04 am

        Yikes!!

        Reply
      • Sakshi

        March 08, 2020 at 11:38 pm

        I feel you girl

        Reply
      • Teekay

        December 29, 2020 at 5:42 pm

        You shouldn’t let him alienate you from your family and friends UNLESS they’re toxic. As for meeting new people of the opposite sex, don’t. Men want one thing and that’s always going to be the same. I know women don’t get it and it’s fine, but just stop talking to other men altogether, you’ve got you the best of them. If you feel the need to talk and entertain to other men (no matter how innocent your convos are), you’re with the wrong person.
        Hope this helps

        Reply
    10. wellice

      January 18, 2020 at 5:07 am

      I am the most happiest woman on earth right now

      Reply
      • Ben

        January 12, 2022 at 12:35 pm

        I would love to meet you.

        Reply
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